If We Could Go Back

Camassia Cove Universe #9

by Cara Dee

My sister asked me if I could stand the sight my own reflection, if I’d caused enough damage yet, but I didn’t see myself when I looked into the mirror. I saw Kieran standing behind me, pressing a kiss to my shoulder while he undid my belt. I saw everything I wanted that I couldn’t have. Not unless I was prepared to hurt everyone around me.

Kieran was in a similar situation.

Were we monsters or men? Were they one and the same? Did we give a flying f—hell. We did care. Just not enough to stop, not enough to walk away, and I knew we constantly asked ourselves the same question because of it. If we could go back to when we met on the train…if we could erase the deceit, erase our first hello…would we?

Genres: M M Romance, Friends To Lovers, Romance, Contemporary, LGBT, Gay For You, Slow Burn

351 pages, ebook

First published April 29, 2019

About the author

​
I'm often stoically silent or, if the topic interests me, a chronic rambler. In other words, I can discuss writing forever and ever. Fiction, in particular. The love story—while a huge draw and constantly present—is secondary for me, because there's so much more to writing romance fiction than just making two (or more) people fall in love and have hot sex. There's a world to build, characters to develop, interests to create, and a topic or two to research thoroughly. Every book is a challenge for me, an opportunity to learn something new, and a puzzle to piece together. I want my characters to come to life, and the only way I know to do that is to give them substance—passions, history, goals, quirks, and strong opinions—and to let them evolve. Additionally, I want my men and women to be relatable. That means allowing room for everyday problems and, for lack of a better word, flaws. My characters will never be perfect.

Wait…this was supposed to be about me, not my writing.

I'm a writey person who loves to write. Always wanderlusting, twitterpating, kinking, and geeking. There's time for hockey and cupcakes, too. But mostly, I just love to write.

Reviews

[Judith · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5

"You're my 'if I could just have one more day ' person.You know what I mean?"

This is totally my thing.The angst,the feelings.This is definitely my favourite book by Cara Dee.Kudos to her for writing this because this won't be for everyone at all.





The blurb kind of touches on things with the word deceit but I still wasn't prepared how powerful this story would be.





Here goes.....cheating.There I've mentioned it but before you dismiss this and go running for the hills it's important to understand the situation here. I can hear people muttering cheating is inexcusable and I'm certainly not condoning it but I'm a firm believer in unless you experience anything first hand you really don't know how you'd react....unless you've walked in someone's shoes...





In this case we have two men who are married with children when they start taking the same train together to workThe narrator of the story(Bennett) is,at first,too preoccupied with his life to pay much more than mild interest in the man sitting opposite him every day but over time they start a tentative friendship which will eventually lead to so much more.This isn't lust at first sight at all...it's so much more.





Bennett and Kieran's marriages weren't the stereotypical ones.It wasn't all roses and sunshine....boy meets girl,fall in love,get married,have a family.There were reasons behind their marriages which are explained.(again,I'm not condoning what they did but I kind of understood).



The story spans over five years( one of my favourite things) and follows the men's lives with their families and with each other.The relationship they both have with their own children and each others' was truly special-I got teary on more than one occasion.





Almost,inevitably things reach breaking point but how far will they go and are they prepared for the fall out that will follow?





I guess a lot of people view people who have affairs as selfish and to a certain extent they are.But life is hard and it happens and things are not normally as straight forward as they appear.


I simply loved reading Bennett and Kieran's story.


Highly Recommended.



An Arc of If We Could Go Back was kindly provided to DirtyBooksObsession in exchange for an honest review.

This review is posted on DirtyBooksObsession

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[Lyn❤Loves❤Listening to Real Voices Only!!!!❤️🎧📚 Addict ON HIATUS · Rating 5 out of 5]

5++++ Stars

This story was both controversial and very heartfelt. It's not for everyone, but I loved it!!

Two unhappily married men meet on a train. Unhappily married because one has an absentee wife and the other is gay but married to a woman who knows he’s gay. They become friends than lovers who eventually fall in love. Life gets…complicated. So yes, this story is about two men cheating on their wives. Not a fairy tale romance, but a romance nonetheless. I found myself rooting for and not resenting the MCs.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

**** 5 Incredible Stars ****



I don't know what to say about this story, other than I LOVED IT.
The wrongness of it pushed all my buttons. It's life as merciless, tough and complicated as it comes but it's told in a wholehearted, cosy and warm tone. And there is this cadence of intimacy, pulsing, or resonating, I don't know... constantly *swoon* 💘. Therefore, when the author shows us sweet moments full of tenderness, (like Dads being Dads and Mums) it shines so brightly and it gave so much joy and nourishment to my heart!



It takes guts to write this sort of story when you know that some readers will be very judgmental from their high horses regardless of how brilliant the writing is. Because we are all perfect. right? 🤦‍♀️

[Renée · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reread, and I have to say - this book gets better on rereads.

I believe I've said this before, but I honestly think that Cara Dee thinks of different taboo scenarios for couples to start under, and then builds her story lines around them. And while meeting when both MCs are married isn't exactly original, I still couldn't put this book down.

So let's address the elephant in the room. I don't condone cheating. My husband and I both know that it would be a deal breaker for us. But that's real life. For me, as a romance reader, I can stomach it a bit more in my books, if there is a really good reason for it and it's told well within the story. Additionally, I can stomach it a LOT more when the MCs aren't cheating on each other, but on partners they are with, and cheating with each other. To each their own for their own reading preferences, and all that...…

Bennett and Kieran are both married, with children. Cringe. I know. And that was difficult to stomach, I'll admit. Some readers won't be able to get past that, and I understand.

What the author was trying to accomplish here, I believe, is that there are always nuances to these situations. It's not always black and white. And that's true. I don't think it made it ok, and neither did the MCs.

They meet and begin as friends. There is no immediate desire or lust to jump into anything. There is just that "bro" relationship going on. A buddy to escape with, away from the kids and the wife and everyday life.

This book spans several years, and the MCs grow and learn. What I appreciated most was their willingness to put their children first (aside from the initial cheating, of course - I did mention they grew and learned).

They knew that they would have to hurt others, whether they were together or not. They knew they would have to make their own sacrifices. But eventually, through the proverbial blood, sweat, and tears, they each made the right decisions.

I teared up, not gonna lie.

What I liked most about this story was that, even though these men made a bad decision by cheating on their families in the first place, I got to see them make the right decisions in the end. I got to see them be the best fathers. I got to see them become the best partners to each other. I got to see them be the best siblings to their sisters and brothers, and son to a father.

I definitely recommend this one for angst lovers who enjoy emotional rollercoasters.

[Cadiva · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been pondering for ages just how to review this book.

Do I focus on the brilliant way Cara Dee makes you root for a couple who are breaking a romance taboo?

Do I focus on the narrative which takes you on a five-year journey from tentative friendship, through to genuine affection and into a deep-rooted forever love?

Do I focus on how life isn't black and white but made up of various shades of grey, some much darker than others, and how Bennett and Kieran struggled throughout their affaires de cœur?

Or do I focus on how this book is about love, about how it finds us in the most unlikely of places at times and how the journey to a lifelong happy ending is often paved with broken glass and shards of other peoples' pain?

Let me just say that I adored this book. I adored Bennett and Kieran, I loved their collective kids, I loved Bennett's dad and his sister, I loved Keiran's sister Grace and his brothers Des and Con. I hated Kieran's other family. I felt sorry for Maggie and I was utterly indifferent to Allison.

"You're my 'If I could just have one more day' person. You know what I mean?"

Yes Kieran, I know what you mean and I'm so glad you and Bennett got your one more day.

As a PS, this cover also features one of my all-time favourite models so that's another bonus point 😉❤

#ARC kindly received from the author in return for an honest and unbiased review.

[Snjez · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the moment I started reading this, I didn't want to put it down.

I loved Bennett and Kieran. Despite the situation they found themselves in and the decisions they made, I still thought of them as genuinely nice, caring people and wonderful fathers.
The relationship they had with their children was one of the most beautiful parts.

Although it was heartbreaking at times, I absolutely loved reading their story. The depth of emotions the author brought out in them was amazing. Each of them struggled in their own way and had reasons for the choices they made. I admit, I got teary a few times, which doesn't happen very often.

This was the first book I read by this author, and I'm truly impressed. The writing style was amazing and made this story and all its characters feel very realistic and relatable.

[Jewel · Rating 5 out of 5]

--------Original Review 29 Apr 2019---------

"We met on the way."

I've been asked just how well If We Could Go Back stands alone, among the Camassia Cove series, so I'll address that first. It stands alone very well. Cara Dee is pretty good about keeping her stories self contained, even though there are character crossovers in her books. Camassia Cove isn't that big, so it's no surprise that characters from one book will wander through some of the others. Even still, If We Could Go Back stands alone better than most.

Neither Bennett, nor Kieran appear in the other books (that I can recall), though Bennett works for Ellis and is friends with Casey (both MCs from Uncomplicated Choices , in case you have not read that one). The timeline for the main story is about 2007-2011 and the Epilogue jumps to the summer of 2016. To put this in series timeline perspective, the story starts around the later part of Path of Destruction and the Epilogue is where Uncomplicated Choices begins.

"You can never make up for lost time. All you can control is where the first ends and where the second begins."

Wow. Just wow. Cara Dee does relationship angst like no one else. She writes some uncomfortable situations, for sure, but she's never failed to sell the story. Ever. I loved If We Could Go Back. You've probably read by now that both MC's are married (to women) throughout much of the book and each have children. There is a lot at stake and never did I feel that the author made light of cheating. The path that Bennett and Kieran walk is a difficult one and they do get their HEA, but they suffer for it, as do others.

"Everything was black-and-white until you grew up and saw gray everywhere."

While they certainly didn't deserve infidelity, the wives are not innocent bystanders, either. Through neglect and denial, both marriages were doomed to fail long before Bennett and Kieran met. This is what I love about this author's writing -- her primary and secondary characters all have layers. They feel like real people.

If We Could Go Back is heartbreaking in all the best of ways, and I was drawn into the story from the start. The story is told from Bennett's POV, so we see a lot from his perspective. We see his loneliness, his exhaustion, his bitterness. And we see Kieran through Bennett's eyes, as well. There was an attraction, from the start, but Bennett doesn't recognize it. What he does recognize is someone with whom he can build a friendship, and that's exactly what happens, until they impulsively act on their attraction and start down the path where life has meaning, but also where hurt lives.

I loved If We Could Go Back. I loved the MC's and though I didn't always love their actions, I did understand what took them there. When I encounter cheating in books, where the MC's are concerned, I need to understand what took them there. I don't want it to be easy and I want there to be consequences, but above all, I need to understand. With Bennett and Kieran, I understood.

The Camassia Cove series is one of my favorite all-time series. I've read all of the books multiple times, and I know I will read If We Could Go Back multiple times, as well. I definitely recommend it.

----------------------
ARC of If We Could Go Back was generously provided by the author, in exchange for an honest review.

[Kati *☆･ﾟ · Rating 5 out of 5]

* ☘︎ :･ﾟTOP 10 READ 2022 :･ﾟ☘︎ *


4.75***** stars

“I already want you too much.”

Okay people, here are the facts: 35 of my mutuals here on GR have read this book already; the avg. rating amongst them is 4.80. So almost everyone gave this 5-stars. That’s insane considering this is a book with cheating as one of the main issues and at that, something most readers don’t like in their romances, I guess. But that only tells how gripping and powerful this love story is.


*** Two (un)happy families, two strangers become best friends, two men longing to finally feel and live. So they find each other. And risk it all.

“Remember you called him my cocaine?” I asked, and she nodded. “He’s not. He’s the love of my life.”

This book was painful and so absolutely wonderful at the same time. So heartfelt, with so much love, hurt, desperation and all the intense feelings. And with this hard earned HEA it definitely goes up on my favorites shelf. There is not much more to say for me here as it has all been said before.


I loved this story.
I loved Kieran & Bennet. ♡

“The harsh reality of life is that our happiness is rarely free. Someone always suffers for it.”

I will look up if there are more stories to love in this series. I met a lot of characters I want a book for now. And I really need to find the one for Ellis & Casey!


side note: This is one of those controversial books where I would love to meet the lot of you to discuss it in person - all the pros and cons and everyone’s opinions about it - like in a real life book club.

[moonlight ☾ [semi-hiatus] · Rating 5 out of 5]

i loved Kieran and Ben together! 😭 their story was really cute in the beginning, the way they formed a friendship but, once the angst came into play, it hurt so good. i cried. i laughed. i smiled. i rooted for these two. i’m normally not a fan of the cheating/affair trope but i don’t mind it as much if the cheating isn’t between the two MCs. the tension between them bc they loved each other but couldn’t be together, i ate that shit up. my heart broke for Kieran so much, the fact that he’s gay but had to hide all these years behind the marriage with his wife bc he didn’t wanna let his family down. i just wanted him to find true happiness. 🥺

my fav side characters were both Kieran and Ben’s kids, Ben’s dad and sister and a few of Kieran’s siblings who didn’t turn their backs against him once he came out to his family. everyone else i could care less about (but i’m thinking of checking out Casey and Ellis’ book soon 👀). so happy these two got the happy ending they deserved. 🤍

[Anyta Sunday · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is everything real.
I was blasted with FEELS.

A tough subject matter, but brilliantly executed.

[Optimist ♰King's Wench♰ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everything was black- and- white until you grew up and saw gray everywhere.

I could go on and on about this book but the bottom line is, despite the circumstances and the pain and anguish everyone experiences, I was captivated by Ben and Kieran's journey. Though I will say- conservative estimate-probably 50% of marriages that bust up over infidelity would likely be avoided altogether were the world a more tolerant place.



Be forewarned that there is a copious amount of pain dished out to varying degrees all around and this is a long road that evolves over the course of 5 yrs. Neither of the women are portrayed in the best of light, which I didn't love, but by the same token I didn't think they were entirely cliched nor were they pathetic caricatures. Just human and flawed, as all the characters are.

I think the relatability was what I liked best about this story from the dialogue to the motivations and emotions to the evolution of their relationship and especially to how unexpected but not unwelcome Ben's newfound attraction to a man slightly later in life and how Dee didn't sugarcoat any of it. From the guilt to the joy to the relief to the dread, I felt it all from start to finish and invested in their journey.

Like so many others have said WAY more articulately than I, this book won't be for everyone but it is my most successful Dee and I'm going directly into Uncomplicated Choices to find out what the what what is happening or did happen with Ellis and Casey.

[*J* Too Many Books Too Little Time · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars!

I wasn't completely sold on this one until some friend reviews started coming in. Generally, I don't like cheating in my books.

However, I guess I should clarify. I don't like when the two MCs cheat on each other. Apparently I am okay with them cheating on others to be together. *shrugs*

So yeah, I ended up liking this one a lot. It pretty much sucked me in from the get-go. It spans over quite a big time period and I really dug the progression of Kieran and Bennett's relationship.

There was really no manufactured drama. Real life was the drama. Navigating their existing marriages, their families, their jobs, their feelings for each other.

My only complaint would be that I found their sexual interactions to be almost fade to black. Or missing something. You never really got the full moment, the full scene. Their first time together (not even sex, a blow job) was skipped over completely and then mentioned later.

Overall, I'm really glad I gave this one a go. And it kind of makes me want to go back and read Ellis and Casey's book again and maybe even Lincoln's.

[Nazanin · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 If We Could Go Back… Stars

You can never make up for lost time.
All you can control is where the first ends and where the second begins.

Well, Cara Dee is one of my fave authors and this book is my new favorite of her works so far! Such a wonderful read! I’m so glad I went into it blind because I’m sure if I knew the plot before reading I wouldn’t read it and I wouldn’t enjoy it this much. of course, I’d read the blurb and it made me more curious. Nothing justify cheating (and I hate it when it happens in my reads) but with Ms. Dee’s writing everything is possible!

The harsh reality of life is that our happiness is rarely free. Someone always suffers for it.

Told in single POV, 1st person. It’s a standalone novel, so well-written with lovable/well-developed characters, angsty and a really good intense and emotional read. Even though the story itself is fast-paced but their friendship is a slow burn. I could hardly put it down to get some sleep! Overall, loved it and hope you enjoy it as well!

[Fabi NEEDS Email Notifications · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Life without you is just survival."

There was so much hurt in this story. 💔

It took bravery for an author to write it. Thank you Cara Dee, for not pulling the punches.

It comes so close to real life. It's much too easy to picture your friends, neighbors, or family in this situation.

This series has a mix of both MM Romance and MF Romance novels. I've only read the MM ones, but each one has been a five star emotional rollercoaster.

[Amina · Rating 4 out of 5]

✰ 4 stars ✰

“Look, ” I said, clearing my throat. “I’ll be honest. Whatever it is, I just—I can’t go back to before we knew each other.”

“Couldn’t you?” He pinned me with an intense stare, but, at the same time, he looked so tired. “More accurately, wouldn’t you? If you could go back— to before we met on the train—”

“No.”

When I first read the title If We Could Go Back I was honestly under a different impression of what the story would be. But, when I read it - as I got to know these two married men - Bennett and Kieran - commute together on a train - steadily progress from lingering glances to casual touches - slowly open up about their families and personal lives - and then, suddenly get swept away in that overwhelming moment of 'friends to something more' - it was such an emotional setup to a heartbreaking story - one of which I was not expecting.

“How do you do this without involving feelings?” I whispered.

His gaze softened, and he leaned in for a languid kiss.

“Who says I am?”

How can something so wrong feel so right? Bennett and Keiran - who are fated into lives - not of their own well-wishing or desires - that they never got the chance to be who they are - simply because of the hand that life dealt them - but are so helplessly drawn to one another and knowing that there can be only inevitable heartbreak in the end, because they are two married men with families - just fall into perfect harmony with one another. 😟😟 The cheating trope is a difficult topic to approach - there has to be certain love and care to handling it for any given relationship, especially when it is not easy to overlook the morality of their actions, but the cause behind their decisions.

And it hurt - it hurt to see Bennett have to be the bigger better man in a marriage that is falling apart around him - it stung to see Kieran face the abuse and rejection from his family - it pained me to see that if we could go back to who we were before - two men just sharing a train together - would life have been better or worse? And can life be better - when it is built on the wrong? 💔💔

“He winked and turned the lock in the door too. “You look like you wanna eat me, Ben.”

I let out a laugh. “I kind of do.”

“I missed you.”

I…I had too many feelings surging. “Me too.” I drank in the sight of him -

“God, me too.”

Somehow, it can - when you see what the two of them go through to get to where they were. They were real humans, trying to make the improbable and impossible work - work because it was what they felt more true - more right than the marriages they were in. Bennett, who's trying so hard to keep his family intact with his absentee wife - Kieran, who has had to shield his true self, living an empty life, simply to appease the eyes of his family. 😔😔 Cara Dee's writing pulls at your heart, and doesn't let you forget the wrong in their actions, while also making it effortlessly impossible to deny what they're feeling feels absolutely right.

And y'know what still hurt the most - it's that they actually talked about it - that they acknowledged what they were doing was morally wrong, but they could not help it, because for the first time in their lives - something finally made sense to them. The two of them are trapped in unfortunate situations - prisoners of circumstance - but, when they get their happy ending - it is most definitely well-deserving. 🥲🥲

“I could say no to whiskey. I couldn’t say no to Kieran.

He didn’t look away from the picture, but it wasn’t because he hadn’t studied it enough. He was scared too. He clenched his jaw. He didn’t know how to flee, though he was trying to figure it out. If an escape route appeared, he would take it.

“What do you want from me?” he whispered.”



Ah, this moment here - just killed my heart!! 💘💘 Because, they were both on the precipice, that undeniable moment that everything was going to change from here - that there was no going back after this - that all the denial, all the refusal, all that they chose to not accept was going to affect them in the worst or best of ways - they did not know. It was the here and the now and it was theirs and they took that chance on themselves - and it gave u such a romance of hesitancy and desire - all their heartaches and heartbreaks - that fervent yearning to just be with the other person, drawing them into your life - your heart. 🥺🥺

From their casual meetings on the train, to their wonderful build-up of friendship, that defining meeting of families, to that instant need of desire, to the sudden realization of desire, all their tears, their fears, their laughs, their cries, their comforts and their hurts - it was all so much upon everything that they were trying to keep - and yet, knew that they couldn't without someone getting hurt. 🤍🤍 The angst was undeniably palpable - their romance so tragically real - their ending so heart-achingly perfect - and that hospital scene!!! 🥹🥹🥹

“There were no words. “I need this, Kieran. I need you. Like this.”

He nodded and pressed our foreheads together. “Me too. I just… I-I didn’t think you would.”

I hadn’t thought so either. We’d both been wrong. So very wrong. Because right now, everything felt right. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t faking it.

This was where I was.”

The drawback of reading a latest book by an author before going through their backlist is the inevitability of compare and contrast - and I would be remiss to say that I couldn't help but notice multiple similarities to This Will Hurt. It didn't overall mar my enjoyment of the story, but it definitely was a hindrance in the back of mind. Also, I've only read one book from Camassia Cove, which was also only told in single POV - so, it could be a trait that she's continuing throughout the series, but I REALLY would have liked to have some insight into Kieran's take, too. It probably doesn't feel necessary, but it would have added so much more depth to their story - what he was also experiencing and feeling throughout their relationship. 😢😢

“—but we’re done. It happened. I love him with everything I am, and I wouldn’t change that.”

I would never go back. Ever.”

And a special shout-out to Bennett's father, who spoke words wiser than his years, who's love and support and words of wisdom was a comforting support to all that Bennett could not understand about his feelings and a soothing balm to all the pain and rejection Kieran's family made him feel all these years. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[Ele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh man. That break up scene destroys me every.single.time! I think the reason I rounded down to 4 stars the first time was that my mind told me "blatant cheating! Surely, you can't 5 star this". Well, my mind totally shut up now. I loved it even more this time. 5 stars!

P.S. I only just realised we never got Kieran's POV, yet it was like we did. Mad skills.

[Christelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

If we could go back…
We will never go back.

Literally devoring a book because it triggers feelings from every direction is why reading is such a passion for me. And I found that with this addition to the Camassia Cove series that can be read as a standalone.

Bennett and Kieran are both in their early thirties, with a job, a house, a wife and kids. They go through life like everybody but does that mean they are whole, satisfied and are not, deep down, looking for more ?
Over a span of 5 years, Bennett and Kieran will meet and start a friendship…reassess their lives…love, care and hurt…build, deepen or destroy relationships whether on a familial or loving level…and it was so emotional to follow their journey.

Cara Dee put all her writing talents into offering a moving romance, full of layers, nuances, joys and crisis, reflections. So well handled imo and with the perks for me :
* first to have MCs who have the courage to communicate their feelings to each other, who don't shy away from the consequences of their actions and feelings even if slowly and with a little push needed, and who are devoted fathers,
* and second to read about love with both sexy times and deep and genuine affection.

This was brilliant and perfect. This book directly goes on my “favorite” and “to reread” shelves, without hesitation.

ARC of “If We Could Go Back” was generously provided by the author/publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Moony Eliver · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, although a bit less than many others did. During the first half, I was feeling a solid 4 stars, but the second half wasn’t as strong.

The characters, banter, story setup, and chemistry were really solid in the beginning. I wasn’t a big fan of the one-dimensionality of Bennett’s wife — that felt rather convenient. But the other elements were working for me, and the two main characters were downright flammable together.

But the latter half swapped out the good kind of tension for the not-so-good kind of angst. A little heavy on the dei ex machina. And sometimes on the telling and the spelling things out that didn’t need to be. But mostly, it just got flatter — for instance, (not much of a spoiler, even for me, but...) Bennett’s relationship with his children was literally perfect, whereas his ex-wife could do literally nothing right.

I’m glad I read it, and I can cautiously recommend it if the content is okay with you. I definitely recommend you check out other reviews, because this one is speaking to a whole lot of readers!

[taylor :) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would give this a million stars if I could.

I’m not going to say anything about this book. I went in completely blind, and I think that was the best thing I could’ve done. Just know that this book was incredible. One of my favorite books ever for sure.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The harsh reality of life is...
...that our happiness is rarely free. Someone always suffers for it."

Cara Dee is one of those authors who can take even the most challenging issue and create a story that's both interesting and thought provoking and she's more than done that with 'If We Could Go Back'.

'If We Could Go Back' is essentially told from Bennett's point of view covering a period of about 5 years beginning with that first day on the commuter train going to Seattle when Kieran boarded and sat down opposite a rather frazzled and worn out Bennett. It's a slow burn as the men get to know each through brief conversations and shared commiserations about life during their shared commute.

Bennett and Kieran are both married to other people...both have children with those other people, both are in what has essentially become a loveless marriage. Neither of them were looking for a romantic entanglement. They just needed a connection something...someone that was theirs...a friend. Someone to have an occasional drink with, hang out with, blow off steam. Neither man intended for things to go where they did.

I was honestly surprised by how much empathy I had for these two men. I think a big reason for that goes to motivation neither of them ever wanted or intended to hurt their wives and in fact they went to considerable lengths to try not to do this but and maybe this was the catch for me the thing that made the difference for both of these men their marriages were little more than a charade and had been for a while it was just a matter of people admitting it...don't misunderstand I'm not saying that this makes the cheating ok, I'm just saying that the reality is the cheating may have hastened the end of things but it didn't cause it. Sadly, there was so much more going wrong in both Kieran and Bennett's marriages.

Cheating's a hard line for most people in real life and I know I'm one of those people but as with so many things in life circumstances can often mitigate events and for me this was the case for Bennett and Kieran.

At the end of everything I was left really liking both Kieran and Bennett and of course their kids, Bennett's father...yeah, I had a few tears for him but also he was simply awesome as was Bennett's sister, then there was Kieran's family some of them were pretty awesome some of them...well not so much and I really need to have words with his momma. That woman pft! not worth the time of day.

I love a nice fun, fluffy love story as much as anyone but sometimes it's good to read a story that holds such a connection to what happens in the real world like this one does. It's good to read a story where the characters are human and fallible, where mistakes are made and we as readers get to watch them not only make those mistakes but pick themselves up, dust themselves off and figure out how to fix things and carry on. Cara Dee writes such stories and I'm not ashamed to say she left me in tears more than once on this one. She also had me filled with anger, frustration and grief all interspersed with moments of happiness, tenderness and love.

I know cheating's a hard line for many but truthfully if you can have faith and hang in there this is one of the best stories I've read this year and I would definitely recommend it and if you're worried about not having read some or any of the Camassia Cove series don't be this one definitely stands on it's own.

*************************

An ARC of "If We Could Go Back" was graciously provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love love loved it! ♥️♥️♥️

[Melanie A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 STARS!

He brought me to life.

Wonderful!

Cara Dee's laid-back yet 'truthful' writing style painted this story with some seriously heartfelt strokes. There was nothing I wanted more than for Bennett and Kieran to get their HEA.

We met on the way.

When Bennett and Kieran meet on the express train into Seattle, they're both at such unhappy places in their lives. Kieran's living a lie and Bennett's looking for meaning in the way his life has turned out. Both are married with children.

We were two happy, unhappy families pretending to have our shit together. Everything looked great on the outside, but little digs and sideways comments spoke of issues that ran deep.

In each other, they find something they're both desperately lacking.

"Life without you is just survival."

I loved that the author didn't pull any punches. She hits you hard with the reality of an untenable situation, but one that was genuine and heartbreaking. My heart twisted right along with Bennett and Kieran's.

"The harsh reality of life is that our happiness is rarely free."

If you're looking for a emotional read with 'real' people and 'real' problems, look no further . . . because this was good, really good.

I highly recommend!

PS: it can definitely be read as a standalone.

[Ariana (mostly offline) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This went straight to my ‘best-of-the-best’ shelf!

All the 5 stars reviews are spot on - this is spectacular writing!
I was totally captivated throughout and couldn’t put this down.

Two guys, both married with children, fall in love.
How can there ever be a happy ending? Somebody somewhere is always going to be hurt by their actions and by their love.

Cara Dee explores the complexity of the situation with careful sensitivity and so much honesty and compassion. And yes, the whole cheating issue is also looked at in depth and in a way which made me understand.

Tbh, there are already some outstanding reviews for this book out there, so I’m not going to massive lengths here. I absolutely adored this book, the sense of reality and the genuine feels.
I will, no doubt, revisit it at one point.

My favourite quote: "Everything was black-and-white until you grew up and saw gray everywhere."

If you’re looking for compelling, heart-rending and uplifting – this is it!
Highly recommended.

[haletostilinski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh....wow.

What a journey this book is. What a triumph. I have so many feelings after reading this.

And yes, it has the MC's cheating on their wives. If you can't take that under any circumstance, then yeah this one is not for you.

But if you don't mind if the MC's cheat with each other, then oh wow is this an amazing book, amazing journey these two go on.

Now for me I can read MC's cheating with each other (not when they cheat ON each other though, no thank you), although I do like their circumstances to make it so it makes a little more sense. Not that it makes it right or excusable, not at all, but...if a marriage is more a sham than anything, barely a marriage, and the commitment isn't really there...I understand the MC's more. I don't forgive it, because there are much better ways to handle your broken marriage than cheating, but I'm not....it's not an absolute no for me in fiction, is all.

❖ With Bennett, he is married to Allison, but barely. They accidentally got pregnant when they were 19 or so in college, and that derailed plans for them. But they stayed together, got married, all that. They had another kid 3 years later, so they have two sons, but at the start of this, for the past 2 years Allison has been going to college in a whole other state halfway across the country and is going to be doing it for another 2 years still.

Bennett, at the start, is 28 years old, and practically a single father. Allison is only around for holidays - usually the big ones only - and maybe a weekend here or there sporadically. Their sons barely know her and when she is around her relationship with her sons - and Bennett - is distant and strained.

There is obvious resentment from Ben over Allison choosing to go to school in several states over, which I 100% get.

Like he understands, we all understand, that her college career was cut short, and she deserves to go and finish it, but at the same time...you still have kids, you still have a family, and you can't just practically abandon them. I don't get why she couldn't go to a college near where they lived, I truly don't. Neither does Ben, really, and we don't get an answer from Allison in this either.

It makes her pretty unsympathetic. I think her wants and desires make her a fully rounded character - she didn't feel like some caricature or a two dimensional antagonist - and she felt very human. But many people can have those wants and desires, and we can understand them, and they can still be unsympathetic.

Because choosing to practically abandon your family for 4 years so you can practically live the college experience, and just not even really try with your kids....it's hard to find any understanding in that. She even eventually comes back and kind of tries, but she just...doesn't connect with her children the way Ben - and later Kieran - does. We're not told this in the story, but because she so obviously resents Ben for getting her pregnant so young, I feel like part of her resents the kids and what their presence means - that her life plans were derailed - and she takes it out on them in the form of being a fairly absentee parent, even when she's there phsycially.

We get, eventually, that she tries, and once she's back from college she works to rebuild her relationship with her kids - she just not very good at it.

❖ Then there is Kieran, who is the same age as Bennett, and who has his own struggles. He's from a large Irish Catholic family near Boston, and they are, overall, pretty homophobic. So homophobic that when he tried to come out to his sister when he was 14, she told him not to tell the rest of the family and bury it, because they would not approve. Kieran has been so repressed and has had to play pretend so much that it's almost second nature at this point.

When he was in college, he was with a guy, but something happened (I forget what), but the guy's friend, Maggie, got involved and she knew Kieran was gay, but suggested they marry each other, so she'd be his beard, essentially, so his family would leave him alone and get off his back and think he was perfectly "normal" and Maggie would get to have a family.

They have a daughter, Jaylin, who is the age of Jess, Bennett's second son. Nate is Bennett's first born, who is 3 years older than Jess.

Somehow over the years, it seems that Maggie has gotten it in her head that Kieran could somehow fall in love with her, that their marriage could be become real.

Now her wanting that, and somehow over the years deluding herself into thinking what they had was real and that they were in love, is on her.

I myself don't truly feel like it was cheating on her on Kieran's part of it all. Because she knew the score from even before they were married. She knew he was gay, he never told her otherwise or ever said he fell in love with her, so for her to just...assume he could or was, is on her.

Now I know she can't help how she feels, but also she can't put what she feels onto Kieran and make it his burden when she knew the score from day 1. It was all pretend from the get go, it was never real, so there never any real commitment. The only commitment Kieran had was to their daughter, truly.

Plus, she really turned me off of her near the end when Kieran comes out to his family. She made it ALL about her, even when he's been fucking beat up so badly by his brothers that he had to to go to the fucking hospital!, and yet she's whining to Ben about her and how this ruins her perfectly nuclear family.

And when Ben and Kieran talk to her later once they are together for good and try to explain things to her, she still doesn't get it and stubbornly says that Kieran's coming out has ruined her life. I was just done with her at that point. Her true colors came out at that point and honestly just fuck her.

Because okay yeah, they were technically married, and Maggie was feeling her feelings, but...honestly Kieran should have been allowed to be with whoever, and be out if he wished to, and her with whoever she wanted as well. Just because it's legally binding, doesn't always make it a true, real marriage.

Now it's different with Bennett and Allison, because it seems they truly loved each other at one point. And where Kieran is gay, Bennett wasn't attracted to any man before Kieran, and thought he was straight before him.

So that is where the cheating in this is for me. They both went into an affair, because while Kieran and Maggie were never real - no matter her wishes or yearnings - Bennett and Allison had been real. Doesn't matter that things were bad, were broken beyond repair, what they did in that situation was wrong.

I do like how the book doesn't shy away from calling a spade a spade though. When Bennett's sister calls it like it is and doesn't bend on that, even as she's being a good sister and understanding, I was happy.

Also when Bennett eventually, finally, ends it with Allison, he tells her he had an affair (just not with who) and doesn't make excuses for himself. It's just that by the point that he does end things, things are so bad that he doesn't feel bad for it. He doesn't excuse it, but he doesn't feel guilty (and actually feels more guilty for Maggie, who has been overall nice and friendly with him).

So there is no excusing what they do. But it doesn't feel as monumental as it might in another situation (like if Bennett had still had feelings for Allison, or if Kieran and Maggie had ever been real as well), and it's beneficial to Bennett when he tells her the truth and gets it all out there, and they get a divorce.

It was wrong to do it, both of them were wrong to do it, and I think Bennett should have left Allison way before he does, and before he cheated, there was a right way of doing things, and these two didn't. But they're human and in shitty situations and they fucked up, but they eventually start to make things better for themselves. It just takes a bit to get there.

And you know, when their affair ends (after about 2 years), it's only about 60-ish percent in, and then so much time passes and they do so much growing that by the end the affair felt like a footnote in their journey.

❖ And yes, I absolutely loved these two together. Absolutely couldn't get enough. I was not expecting this take place over about 5 years - about 8 by the epilogue - but I think that made this all the better.

The build up between these two - it takes about almost 2 years after they start seeing each other on the train to work - and a year and a half after they start to become friends and hanging out - to even kiss and more.

But then they wait another 5 or so months - trying to stay away and not do anything more - before they truly start their affair.

They're both going through so much in this. Kieran is still not out to his family, and he's still struggling with being closeted throughout this until the near end. This journey for him, is truly about accepting that he'll lose most of his family if he comes out, and having to live with that because he's miserable not being able to be his true self.

The question really is - can he live the rest of his life that way? Pretending, always pretending, while he's dying inside? (A truly heartbreaking moment for me is, months after their break-up, Kieran seems fine to Ben, and Ben asks him how he got over him, and Kieran tells him that he's good at pretending, and if he thought he was dying inside before he met Ben...well it's nothing to compared to how much he's dying inside without Ben. Whhooo boy, that broke my heart!)

As much as family is important, and breaking those ties is a HARD thing to do - and Bennett waffles between feeling sympathy for Kieran and feeling frustrated with him (which I felt too. Because of course I want Kieran to just be out so he and Ben can be happy together, to just let go and tell him and live his life how HE wants to, because it's his life, but it's not so simple. It's not simple at all.) - eventually Kieran is able to do it, though.

And when he does it, he says himself that he feels free, unshackled. Most of his family - except for three of his younger siblings, who I loved - does treat him horribly and disowns him, basically, but Kieran is able to make another family, a better family, that is truly happy and real, with his three siblings, but also with Ben and their children, and Ben's father too (who of course I absolutely adored).

They made their own family - and of course I can't speak for LGBT+ people, but I've seen others says that it's not always the family you were born into, but the one you make (and as Kieran's sister says in this, maybe a little bit of a mix of both) - and though Kieran lost his parents, other siblings, aunts, uncles, etc...he is ultimately better for it. And that's a hard thing to come to terms with, and Kieran's grief doesn't 100% go away, even as he's ultimately happy.

But if your family can't accept you for ALL of you, then they aren't really your family, and they don't truly love you. Another hard thing to accept, with Kieran had to go through.

For Bennett, he's fairly miserable at the start of this. He loves his sons, and his dad, and they are truly the only real things that give him any joy. But Ben is also doing all of it basically on his own (with the help of his dad, and sister sometimes, sure, but they're not there for actually raising two children. Nor should they be, but that means all the actual raising just gets put on Kieran's shoulders.) and kids, as much as we may love them, can be exhausting.

So Ben has an absentee wife, who is pretty selfish overall, and doesn't really put his feelings into consideration, or try much with their children, and is left taking care of them by himself, and so he starts this in a miserable state.

Kieran slowly, over time, becomes his one true bright spot.

I love how Ben never really has any sexuality crisis in this. He thought he was straight, and it takes him some time to realize what exactly he's feeling toward Kieran, but once he starts to realize it - and then they fully cross the line, he just kind of accepts that he has feelings for a man.

Kieran also becomes kind of that one thing that's just his. They go out every week for drinks, they hang out, they get to unwind and escape life for a little bit together - and then once they start to fall for each other, Kieran becomes a true life partner that Ben has needed to truly make his life full.

I loved seeing these two bond with each other's children. Kieran become almost more of a second parent to Nate and Jess, more than Allison was.

I loved the kids, too. I loved Nate, Jess, and Jaylin. They were so cute and sweet, but also real children with mood swings or tantrums. I loved how they carved out their own little family there by the end. Even though, yes, Allison and Maggie would always be in their lives, and be important to them...they just felt like more of a family when it was Ben, Kieran and all 3 kids.

I feel like I can't praise this book enough. This second chance for this author was a real win for me. I'm definitely reading more from this author now.

Just the...complexity of all the characters, the world building, the storytelling, the romance, it all worked so well to make a truly wonderful book.

This book will definitely stay with me for a long time. A truly amazing story. I can see now why this has such high ratings.

Highly, HIGHLY recommend (if you don't mind MC's cheating with each other), two MASSIVE thumbs up from me. I just absolutely loved this.

And this definitely endeared me to this author. Will definitely be reading more in the future! 🥰😍😘

[Cyndi (hiatus) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Straight to the all time favorites list you go! This was another example of how love stories that span multiple years reign supreme. This book was intensely emotional and absolutely stunning. The pacing, the writing, the characters - I kept waiting to find a flaw or for some narrative choice to be made that would make me balk, but I have zero complaints. I loved everything about it.

Kieran and Bennett were heartbreakingly real to me. I could relate to their need to have something for themselves and loved the way that sentiment was shown in the way they both grasped for time with each other and dreaded the change in their friendship once their wives got involved. It was impossible not to root for them as their relationship evolved because they were just so perfect for each other and the happiness they obviously felt when they were together was infectious and really freaking cute. I felt like the author put a lot of care into making their situations plausible because when they inevitably crossed lines, I didn’t feel wrong for supporting them. I didn’t agree with the way they went about things, but I believed that they belonged together and wanted that for them (especially Kieran).

I had a lot of worries going into this book because authors love to add buckets of drama to stories involving cheating, whether it’s through vile and evil spouses or oopsie pregnancies or some sort of ridiculous attempt at blackmail. You all know what I’m talking about. I was so relieved when the author avoided those dramatic pitfalls because they would have truly tarnished an otherwise perfect story.

I read this book slowly because I didn’t want it to end. It was so unexpectedly good and, if you can get past the cheating part, I highly recommend reading it. I guess I’ll eventually need to pick through Cara Dee’s back catalog to see if there are any other hidden gems I don’t know about. This was my first time reading anything by this author, but it surely won’t be the last.

[Drache.... (Angelika) · Rating 2 out of 5]

read 10/2023
Although there were things I liked (mainly the children!!), I deeply disliked many of the author's choices:

-the cheating. Did I mention the cheating? The cheating while both wives were faithful and both families had little kids?

-how the author made both wives' characters sooner (Allison) or later (Maggie) to be unlikeable just to justify their husbands cheating. Didn't sit right with me at all.

-Bennett's character. He was selfish, superior and always coming up with excuses for his behaviour while putting the blame on others.
I got angry how he expected his wife to know their son was lactose-intolerant without telling her. What parent that is concerned about their child doesn't tell their co-parent about it? I also hated how Bennett out of the blue broke up with Kieran just days after deciding to divorce Allison... because Kieran wouldn't leave his wife? For 2 years both of them had been married, going behind their wives's backs had been ok, but now that Bennett had seperated from Allison he couldn't be with Kieran anymore, because Kieran's wife also got hurt being cheated on?

After that I didn't even know if I wanted them to get together, in the end. Only in the last 20% did I warm up to Bennett a bit more.

Ps Bennett's dad's "wisdom" that there is always one person who is getting hurt was plain stupid, and just an excuse for hurting deliberately people you're close to.

Maybe I'm too old and jaded, but this book's purpose didn't sit well with me.

SORRY Nicole, I tried.. ❤️

2 stars.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This fabulous book is currently $0,99 and won’t be available on KU from July 2023!!

This book is perfect!!

[Layla · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars.

Oh look...another favorite that I never reviewed 🥲

So this was supposed to be a buddy read with Leslie...which didn't work out so well. 🤔

So, I told her that I was going to Control F *cock* and just read the naughty bits. That also didn't work out because once I started I wanted the whole experience.

I was also afraid of rereading this book, because its one of my ultimate favorites and I was afraid it would be tainted somehow. My tastes have certainly changed through the years and maybe that would change the way I perceived the book.

Well, I shouldn't have worried. I will say though that I shaved off half a star for the whole "both wives are the bad guy" angle. I think it was an easier route to take to justify the cheating...with Ben's wife in particular. But I can overlook it when faced with everything else that was simply beautiful in this book.

The friendship, the shift in emotions, the start of the cheating and then all what comes after...
I still believe that this is Cara's best work to date. It was completely focused on the feelings and the relationship and not on kink, which she has gravitated towards lately.

I do think that she held back with the sex in this book. Maybe it was intentional so as not to give too much importance on the physical? But I would have loved to read a more detailed scene for these two guys, much like the detailed scenes she's been writing lately as well.

This book is still one of favorites, and I will probably reread again some time. Bennett and Kieran deserve all this hype. They broke my heart but also put it back together.

[Leslie]

**Reread April 2022**

Rereads are tricky and they can backfire. This doesn’t stop me from doing them because I’m silly. What I often find is that the me who read the book in the past was different or at least had different tastes. And when it’s one I had issues with to begin with, it can get even more complicated.

I actually didn’t remember any of my issues initially. The book just kept resurfacing in a fb group lately. And shallow me was like, “I remember that one was super hot. Time to read it again!” 🤣 So…thanks shallow me.

I’ve got zero regrets after my reread. But as I was reading it, I started to remember what I didn’t like. And what I didn’t like, I now EXTRA didn’t like. And that’s the awful woman trope. Is that a trope? I don’t know but I hate it. I hate when women are written bad to justify the men’s actions. Maybe it’s because since I initially read this, I’ve read the scenario a million times and it’s become something so tiring. I’m not saying the women have to be perfect. But here they very much feel like they are written bad to give reasons for what the guys do. It’s not for me. Nope.

Now that being said, what I enjoyed the first time, I still loved this time. The pining, the friendship between Bennett and Kieran. Everything felt so raw and real between them and I was totally swept up in that. I loved Bennett’s family and the children. And the way they came together after their time apart felt so natural and beautiful. And yeah it was still hot. 😂

I think I’ll check out some other books in this series and others by this author because I somehow never did after this.

This was supposed to be a buddy read with Layla. I’ve never done a buddy read. But I think we kind of failed because she didn’t end up reading it. 🙃 I can’t be mad at her because she got Covid and then got arcs she didn’t ask for. She did listen to me vent and praise. So maybe we kind of did a buddy read? 🤔 Then she decided she was just going to reread the hot parts. 🤣And there you have it.


**Original Read**

I’m feeling conflicted after finishing this book. There were things I did like but there were also things I wasn’t on board with. So it’s really difficult to rate.

What I liked?
-The chemistry was strong.
-Side characters were good.
-Kids were not precocious or annoying.

What I didn’t like:
-Ok so there is cheating in this. This isn’t a spoiler. Cheating in books is not always a deal breaker for me but it depends on the situation. I knew going in, this would have some but I decided to try. It didn’t mesh with me here. But not really because of the cheating itself. What I really didn’t like was how it kind of felt like the wives were painted as villains. They weren’t perfect by any means but it felt like they were made horrible to justify the cheating. 🤷🏻‍♀️
-I think the book could have benefited from some editing toward the end. 75% in and I was ready for it to be over.

[Bev · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 5 gazillion stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I don't know what to say really, apart from this book was Utter Perfection. Days after finishing it I can't stop thinking about it and even after returning to to KU I went and downloaded it again to re-read segments from it. That about sums up just how bloody blown away I was with the story, the characters, the writing, the angst, the feels .... everything.

Best book of 2019 by a million miles.