I Don't Want To Be Crazy

by Samantha Schutz

A harrowing, remarkable poetry memoir about one girl's struggle with anxiety disorder.

This is a true story of growing up, breaking down, and coming to grips with a psychological disorder. When Samantha Schutz first left home for college, she was excited by the possibilities -- freedom from parents, freedom from a boyfriend who was reckless with her affections, freedom from the person she was supposed to be. At first, she revelled in the independence. . . but as pressures increased, she began to suffer anxiety attacks that would leave her mentally shaken and physically incapacitated. Thus began a hard road of discovery and coping, powerfully rendered in this poetry memoir.

Genres: Poetry, Mental Health, Young Adult, Mental Illness, Psychology, Fiction, Contemporary

Kindle Edition

First published July 1, 2006

About the author

I am a writer and children’s book editor living in Brooklyn, NY. My first book, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, is a memoir about anxiety disorder written in verse. My second book, You Are Not Here, is a verse-novel about grief and loss. I am currently working on my third book for young adults.

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never had anyone so closely relate to my type of anxiety before. I feel like I want to hand this book to all the people I care about just so they can see what I feel like. I could relate to almost everything in her memoir. It makes me feel a little better that I'm not alone, but sad to know that there are so many people who secretly suffer so badly. It's tough always feeling like you are in and out of "remission" as the author puts it. Ever since I was 15 my life has been a series of off again, on again with the anxiety. Every time I get better, I think, this is it, this is the magic one, I'm going to stay better now. Then every time I crash, I worry I'll be on meds the rest of my life.

If you suffer from mental illness, I highly recommend this. It will be tough to read for sure, but enlightening to have someone understand. If you've never had any issues, I'm not sure if it would be a good read. I wish more people would read it and understand, but I'm just not sure it's something everyone would enjoy.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Check out my book blog for more reviews and a full review of I Don't Want To Be Crazy!

A beautiful verse novel about anxiety/panic disorder, written by someone who has actually gone through these things, so knows what it’s like. It’s also a memoir, and I think Samantha Schutz is very brave for telling her story to the world.

Teens (or anyone really) who suffer from anxiety disorder, like me, will be able to relate to this book perfectly and feel like they’re not alone. And we all need that sometimes.

It will also be a good read for those of you who like realistic stories about tough issues, or if you have a friend or family member suffering from an anxiety disorder, and want to understand them better. It really felt like I was reading my own diary sometimes, and I think I’m going to recommend it to some people who don’t seem to understand me at all.

I Don’t Want To Be Crazy is one of those books in which I keep underlining certain quotes because they relate to me.

Someone who reviewed this book said that the author made people with anxiety seem crazy, and I was really offended, actually. If anything, Samantha Schutz made people realise with this book that panic disorder is something medical, and you can’t help it at all, and it does not make you crazy. I just wanted to say that.

[Tin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I remembered the meme I hosted for the first half of April, and Samantha Schutz's I Don't Want To Be Crazy is a book that I would like to dedicate to myself. Haha. I am no stranger to anxiety and panic attacks, but mine does not hold candle in terms of gravity to Samantha's (this being a memoir of sorts).

Reading this feels like reading a normal teenage girl's journal. A normal teenage girl with anxiety disorder, to be more specific. (more than 19 million American adults and more than one in ten children and adolescents have an anxiety disorder according to United States Surgen General) But sometimes though one would want to read the journal of a normal teenage girl with anxiety disorder, who writes prose with potency. To clarify it's not that the content isn't powerful, because it is. You will know that it is indeed straight from the heart, in it's honesty and clarity in the depiction of anxiety disorder, that only those who actually experience it, can do. The pounding in your chest, that feeling of being on the edge, the emptiness, the fullness, the statis, the indecision, the dread, the anticipation and the insurmountable number of fears. There are plenty of heart wrenching moments, the level of which could have reached ten fold had there been more punch to the prose. This being a verse novel, I wanted more metaphors, more drama and music in the words and sentences. But still honesty trumps prose in my opinion. And honest, this book is.

This story helps ease the stigma surrounding mental illness, which really, is like any other disease, and it cannot be done away with a keep calm and carry on quote. And ultimately, the author in revealing her condition, sort of says to those with the same illness, that you are not alone, and you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand, hold your hand..that's Timshell by Mumford and Sons. LOL. Sorry, sabog na. *drops dead from exhaustion* XD

[Eva-Marie Nevarez · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was okay - nowhere near like what the reader gets with Ellen Hopkins or Sonya Sones but that's just dealing with the verse aspect of the book. The other authors are fiction writers whereas this is non.

I thought it was a little repetitive also but I suppose a life full of anxiety attacks might be repetitive. I will admit that I had no idea people dealt with anxiety to this degree. I've taken an anti-anxiety medicine myself and apparently barely needed it when I think about what Schutz went through.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book chronicles the author's struggles with anxiety disorder, begining with her high school graduation and ending a year after college graduation. Written in free verse, Schutz clearly conveys the panic and fear associated with her disoder. Her story is gripping and powerful.

[madeline khloē · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very short but poignant memoir about the struggles of a woman in her late teens to mid-twenties struggling with crippling anxiety disorder. I have never read anything where anxiety was the main focus before and it was very eye opening. I myself have mild anxiety which I can deal with alright, but my best friend has horrendous anxiety that she struggles with daily and I now feel like I can understand her a bit better.

I listened to this on Audible and Samantha Schutz excellently narrates it herself, her voice is very captivating. I’m definitely going to be buying this physically to give my friend with anxiety, not to learn techniques on how to deal with it or anything, but so that she doesn’t feel alone.

[BookishStitcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this as a teenager.

This novel deals with anxiety disorder and panic attacks. It's written in verse which always adds an interesting element to the story.

[Brittney Fischer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grabbed this book at a library book sale earlier this week where I paid a whopping twenty cents for 4 books. *sigh* I'm not sure where to start with this one. On one hand, I almost thought I was going to go crazy reading it. Become depressed or irritated. But...on the other hand it was wonderful. Wonderful in a weird, distorted sort of way. In a way that only people who have had issues with anxiety/panic attacks would understand, or only someone who has seen a loved one suffer from this would understand. It's a memoir written in verse, which is something I've never read before. It was really interesting. The style of writing gave an incredibly real feel to everything. If you know someone who suffers from anxiety or panic attacks...or you do yourself, I would recommend this book. There are some things that we can't see with the human eye. Someone can have a mental illness, and you would never know just by looking at them. But that doesn't mean they're not suffering. It doesn't mean that it's not real. The fear. The pressure. The never ending "what ifs."

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Normally I don't like poetry, but the way this was written was astounding! I felt like I was truly there with Samantha and experiencing each event with her. And as someone who struggles with anxiety, I found this book to be so relatable, but equally eye-opening. It's refreshing to read a book that makes you feel truly seen. I have a feeling this will quickly become a frequent reread for me :)

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm grateful that this book exists, and that that Samantha Schutz wrote these poems and published despite the incredible sense of vulnerability that she felt. I don't have clinical anxiety disorder, much less a case as severe as Schutz's, but I'm glad that this collection has helped me better understand and sympathize with those who do. The poetry didn't pull me under, though, or whisk me away in a tide of feelings that are often difficult to put words to. That said, #representationmatters and it's more important that many people reading this collection have felt seen, heard, and not alone.

[Alex R · Rating 3 out of 5]

I checked out this book from the library after forgeting to bring my own book to our silent reading, and it actually turned out to be pretty good. It is all about a girl who is just starting college, and she realizes that she has many problems with anxiety that never bothered her before. She suddenly starts having panic attacks in class and has to start taking a bunch of meds, and decides to back off on hanging out with people for fear of having more panic attacks. I realized, when reading this, I could relate to some of her feelings. Though I do not have panic attacks like her, I could relate to her thoughts of not fitting in or anything happening in public. I also liked how it was written in a kind of poem/journal way. This would be a good book for anyone who understands that some people are just not the same as others and may have problems without even knowing it.

[God O'Wax · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an ok book. It wasn't exceptional to my mind, but was a personal account of a young woman's life that was engaging. I didn't find that the it gained anything by being an account in verse, as it seems to me the verse is basically formatted prose and not really stellar poetry. This made it seem somewhat gimmicky to me, but at the same time, it could have just been the only/best way to get the account down on paper. It didn't particularly find a place on my shelf but I could see it being an important book in the lives of some young adults heading to college and fearing the changes that this will entail.

[»ƒranxine« Bau†is†a · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was somehow disturbing. But I find it discomforting that the author had anxiety disorders. I thought that she was brave enough to go through her college life knowing she might have panic attacks anytime. She feels that she's alone and that no one understands her.
Before college though, she never had these fears, disorders, and she never had to take medication. I thought she was brave enough to write this memoir of the part of her life with anxiety disorders. In the end when she was occupied with her job, she felt the fears go away, and felt they were farther from her than ever and she felt stronger.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

POPSUGAR Reading Challenge: A book about mental health

[Shy · Rating 4 out of 5]

an incredibly accurate take on anxiety.

I started having panic attacks my junior year of high school. I honestly had no idea what was happening until i went to the doctor and found out that I didn't know how to cope with stress anymore. I related (on more than one level) with this author and her story. Anxiety and depression in general make you feel as though you'll be this way forever, that nothing will ever change and you will forever be stuck in this shitty cycle of SHIT. I liked this book a lot and wish I would've read it years ago.

[Kimberly Marker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. I think this didn't resonate with me because I do not have anxiety disorder. It's written in verse, and though I listened to the audiobook, the gaps in narrative were hard to move past - I was confused many times, as if I had missed an important piece of information, but no. It got fairly repetitive not just in content but in language, and I was definitely ready for it to end by the time I got to about the midpoint.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

[Mariam Yahya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think reading this book brought back tough feelings that my 14-year-old self went through. The missing star was simply because this book was painful, and reading it wasn’t slow and easy; it was overwhelming all at once.

[Amélie · Rating 1 out of 5]

(1.5)
so much was being talked about in so few words. this writing style can be done so well, but it wasn't used to its benefit. instead, it dragged the story in the mud and tainted it. writing done in poetry format shouldn't be in poetry format to make it 'easier' for the reader and even the author. instead it should be used poetically and artistically, and none of this happened. this book repeated the same situation and circumstances over and over and labeled it as 'this is how anxiety affects me, this is a panic attack'. Not only did this define the main character, but it sort of dehumanized her. I found myself forgetting who each character even was because of the blandness in writing, character building, and even the names. An easy read is the best way to define this because I read it in 1-2 hours.

[Arminzerella · Rating 4 out of 5]

When Samantha Schutz goes away to college she starts suffering from paralyzing panic attacks. Her anxiety intensifies until the she feels fearful, physically ill, and must escape (whatever the situation) at any cost. Unable to calm herself down, Samantha seeks outside assistance from a therapist and a psychiatrist who are able to help her temporarily manage her condition. Still, she is a wreck throughout her first year of college. Once she comes clean to her friends about her problem, they are very understanding – one of her friends, Ann, even suffers the same sorts of anxiety attacks, and they are able to support each other. Gradually Samantha’s attacks taper off and she is able to wean herself off of her medication – in time for her big trip to Paris, France. While she is living abroad, she rediscovers her confidence and herself, but this does not last - the panic returns, remains, and must be acknowledged as a real part of Samantha.

I can’t imagine having the sort of debilitating anxiety disorder Samantha describes. Her fear and frustration are palpable – why does she have to be this way, she wonders? She knows that her anxiety is irrational, and yet she can’t control it. How is that possible? At the end there is some hope that she can come to terms with her illness (because she is aware of it, and tracks its appearances and intensity) – perhaps one day she will be able to live anxiety and medication-free. A beautiful, but sad memoir made more intense through verse format.

[Kristyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an autobiographical story told in verse and it is very moving. Samantha Schutz takes us into her world and shows us what it is like to live with an anxiety disorder. Since it is autobiographical everything feels very real and her descriptions of the panic attacks are done well. I think the having the story told in verse is clever and shows us how the author thinks and feels about everything around her. Her depictions of the therapists were also interesting because they are very similar to real therapists with their different approaches and sometimes off putting methods.
This book hit especially close to home for me and I understand what Schutz was trying to say. I felt absorbed by her words and was lost in her story. I find that expressing yourself through poetry is the most cathartic form of release and I feel like when you have extreme anxiety or depression it takes the edge off what you are trying to say. The author is very accessible and easy to relate to and I feel like it is a great book for any teenager 13 and older. Since it is written as poetry and flows so well it is also great for more reluctant readers. Also, for people who experience these kinds of feelings its nice to feel like others know what you are going through or have gone through.

[Jacquelyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars: It was an okay read.. Nothing too special.

Publisher: Push
Date Published: July 1st, 2006
Pages: 280
Source: I own this book.
Genre: YA Poetry/Mental Health
Series: No

Overall Thoughts: This book had a very interesting concept. It was a book written in verse and it was about's this author's life and her struggles with mental illness. I did have a few problems with it but it was okay.

What I Liked:

- Written in verse
- About the author
- Portrayed mental illness in a very true way that really described the struggles

What I Didn't Like:

- Couldn't connect to characters
- Pacing was weird
- Would have liked more time to dive into the plot and characters
- Sort of repetitive at times

Recommend To:

This book has a very interesting concept that sounds amazing and it makes it sound like it is going to be a great read. I thought it was okay but I would recommend this to people who love darker contemporary books and like to read about mental illnesses and such.

Quotable Quote:

“I am trying to find myself
in all of the chaos,
find something that I can call me
inside the screams and inside
the 'you shoulds' and 'you have to bes.”

[Creya Casale | cc.shelflove · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I liked most about this book is that it told Samantha’s true story. There were aspects that all individuals, even those who have not been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, could relate to. She speaks about the trails and errors of medications, getting your first job after college, and how important it is to find a friend who is your constant. Well done.

“I am scared that the only reason I am getting better is because of these little yellow pills, that nothing has really changed except biology, that the pills are a mask, that I am fooling myself into feeling better, that each day I get more addicted, that I will be medicated for the rest of my life.”

“Is this what all the years of schooling were for? To prepare me for this sense of being stuck in the middle? What was the point? No one said I was going to be this sad. No one said I would still be crying.”

“I am only twenty-one. I have been out of college only a few months. I don’t want to have a job that I think is merely all right. But then I see street sweepers, men polishing marble floors, people selling magazines and nuts on the street, and I think I am a spoiled brat.”

[Soplada · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book makes you want to puke!
you'll feel sick all the time reading this. Yes, a book that talks about anxiety disorder but won't help how to get rid of it ,but this book makes things a lot more worse even if you doesn't know what anxiety disorder is.

[☁Ginjer the ninja☁ · Rating 3 out of 5]

no me gusta un poco, pero te gusta las charactas.

[Drishi · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF @ 36/114.

Breaking sentences don't make it a poetry. God.
I didn't feel connected to the story.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Navigating college for the first time can be difficult. New people, new places, and new freedoms, can be exciting, however if you have an anxiety disorder these freedoms can become overwhelming. “I Don't Want to be Crazy,” is a memoir that follows Samantha Schutz on her journey through college and into adulthood. This book immediately grabs the reader's attention by starting in the midst of a panic attack, “I feel like a marionette—Like someone else is pulling the strings
And I have no choice but to comply”


As the story progresses Schutz anxiety worsens, “It's like riding an elevator farther down, once you’re already in the basement.” The expectations to excel in college, and the fear that she might be going crazy become so overwhelming that she has to accept that she needs help.

The poems in this book capture the intensity of how suffering from an anxiety disorder feels. This book also lowers the stigma around mental health issues by showing its readers that if you are struggling with an anxiety it is okay to ask for help. Schutz’s personal experiences provide a inspiration for those who are currently dealing with anxiety, and gives them the words to describe what they are going through. This novel is important to read because the reader can walk away with an appreciation of what it is like to live with anxiety.

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Book Review:

I Don’t Want To Be Crazy is a poetic memoir written by Samantha Schutz. It all starts when she leaves for the first semester of her freshman year in college. As she begins navigating life at a new school, away from friends, family, and all things familiar, she becomes easily overwhelmed. Samantha carries us through what life is like as a teenage girl with an anxiety disorder.

I Don’t Want To Be Crazy is written in free verse which makes for an easy read. Also, being a teenager with an anxiety disorder myself, I can acknowledge that it made for a more authentic read as well. The use of free verse allows for a clear depiction of how swiftly an anxiety attack can progress and the feelings that come along with it.

Although the exposure to anxiety was nothing new for me, I found it comforting to read. It’s extremely satisfying to see thoughts you have had yourself, but never said out loud, written on paper.That being said, nobody should expect to relate to all aspects of Samantha’s anxiety because it manifests itself differently in everyone.

I would like to recommend this memoir, not just to those with anxiety, but to anyone who knows someone with anxiety, which is the majority of people. It is extremely helpful for those open and looking to better understand the chaos of an anxiety stricken life. Also, it’s quite simple, which leaves little room for excuses not to read it.

[Victoria · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was a big let down for me. It's a short read, I finished it in a day, even so, I found it really difficult to keep reading. There is a lot of focus put into describing pretty mundane activities, things that might have been more interesting for the author when she experienced them but as a reader are really boring. Things like: packing and unpacking for university, sitting in the cafeteria, and very plain conversations she has on campus. She dedicates a lot of time on repetitive details, like several uneventful parties where she got high then kissed someone. There was a lot of time given to pining over her ex-boyfriend and whining about boys she liked. It felt like reading a boring diary.
The mental health stuff many times felt like an afterthought. The book lingered a lot on the angsty feelings of developing adult independence, going back and forth between home and college, being 18 and wanting to stay out late, and I found that to be very average, and a little annoying at times. Maybe younger people would find that more interesting.
I wish we got to be more inside the author’s head. Many of the important conversations and events were just relayed “I told my parents that I had panic disorder and I had a therapist” but we are never IN that moment, we don’t know how her parents responded, or how it felt to confess. It’s a lot of “I told her this, we went here then we did this or that” the book lists off the events of the day but the scene just ends. The information is there but the journey is missing.
.

[Priya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't want to be crazy is an auto-biography about Samantha Schutz and how she handled her anxiety disorder going through college. For the most part, enjoyed this book and thought that it displayed problems that many people go through but many don't aswell. But the big letdown for me is that numerous years pass in a very quick 280-page book and I wish that it wouldn't go by as fast so I could enjoy it more. You definitely could read this book in one sitting and, I would recommend.