What do you think?
Rate this book
The Illusion of Love
Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in our society that has only recently come to be acknowledged in public discussion. Though many see it as a social and political problem grounded in unequal gender roles, this level of analysis fails to explain adequately why many battered women return to their abusers despite intense suffering and the certainty of more physical violence.
The Illusion of Love challenges the prevailing model, which views the victim of abuse as a normal woman who is unable to escape from her batterer due to the effects of terror and psychological collapse. Instead, David Celani offers a new answer―that women who are battered have a fundamental attraction to partners who are abusive.
Based on his years of clinical experience treating battered women, Celani applies object relations theory and case examples from his own practice to show that many women―and indeed some men―are unconsciously drawn to abusive partners because of personality disorders caused by childhood abuse and neglect. He argues that any effective treatment for battered women must help unravel futile and self-defeating patterns, such as ones that spring from fears of abandonment and fascination with men who produce exaggerated promises of love followed by extreme rejecting behaviors.
The Illusion of Love examines the personalities of abusers as well, many of whom suffer from narcissism, a disorder that is also often associated with childhood abuse and neglect. Narcissistic men lash out violently in an attempt to control their own fears or abandonment and to compensate for unsatisfied emotional needs.
Celani concludes that domestic violence is often the tragic result of a union between individuals with complementary personality disorders. His findings fly in the face of the politically correct refusal to examine the behavior of the victim of abuse, a strategy that has led to a severe misunderstanding of the dynamics of the battering scenario. The Illusion of Love calls for primary prevention of neglectful parenting to stem the tide of abuse in the future, offering tangible hope for the treatment of victims of abuse as they attempt to extricate themselves from unhealthy, damaging relationships.
The Illusion of Love challenges the prevailing model, which views the victim of abuse as a normal woman who is unable to escape from her batterer due to the effects of terror and psychological collapse. Instead, David Celani offers a new answer―that women who are battered have a fundamental attraction to partners who are abusive.
Based on his years of clinical experience treating battered women, Celani applies object relations theory and case examples from his own practice to show that many women―and indeed some men―are unconsciously drawn to abusive partners because of personality disorders caused by childhood abuse and neglect. He argues that any effective treatment for battered women must help unravel futile and self-defeating patterns, such as ones that spring from fears of abandonment and fascination with men who produce exaggerated promises of love followed by extreme rejecting behaviors.
The Illusion of Love examines the personalities of abusers as well, many of whom suffer from narcissism, a disorder that is also often associated with childhood abuse and neglect. Narcissistic men lash out violently in an attempt to control their own fears or abandonment and to compensate for unsatisfied emotional needs.
Celani concludes that domestic violence is often the tragic result of a union between individuals with complementary personality disorders. His findings fly in the face of the politically correct refusal to examine the behavior of the victim of abuse, a strategy that has led to a severe misunderstanding of the dynamics of the battering scenario. The Illusion of Love calls for primary prevention of neglectful parenting to stem the tide of abuse in the future, offering tangible hope for the treatment of victims of abuse as they attempt to extricate themselves from unhealthy, damaging relationships.
- GenresPsychologyNonfiction
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 19, 1995
11 people are currently reading
207 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
February 26, 2021
Chiar dacă am găsit răspunsuri la întrebările mele, mi-a ieșit fum din creier citind această carte. 🤷
A doua lectură de David P. Celani, o carte care atinge o temă sensibilă, violența în familie.
Îmi place mult cum scrie Celani, mi-a dat senzația că sunt față în față cu un profesor care explică foarte clar cum se formează personalitatea omului, ce rol joacă copilăria, părinții, de ce unii bărbați ajung bătăuși și de ce victima se întoarce la agresor de fiecare dată.
A fost o lectură cam grea pentru că sunt o mulțime de noțiuni ce țin de structura Eului fiecărui individ (chiar dacă explicate foarte bine). Celani folosește puțini termeni psihologici, el încearcă să ajungă cât mai ușor la fiecare cititor. Cu toate acestea, vor fi necesare și notițe, întrucât, pe parcursul lecturii vei cauta semnificația unor noțiuni.
Nustiu dacă pot recomanda această carte tuturor, dar este extrem de utilă persoanelor care activează în domeniul sănătății mintale, dar și celor interesați în psihologie.
Ultimul capitol conține și metode de vindecare a persoanelor cu tulburări de personalitate, implicate în violența de familie.
Am fost uimită să citesc cât de adânc își au rădăcinile toate problemele legate de agresivitate.
A doua lectură de David P. Celani, o carte care atinge o temă sensibilă, violența în familie.
Îmi place mult cum scrie Celani, mi-a dat senzația că sunt față în față cu un profesor care explică foarte clar cum se formează personalitatea omului, ce rol joacă copilăria, părinții, de ce unii bărbați ajung bătăuși și de ce victima se întoarce la agresor de fiecare dată.
A fost o lectură cam grea pentru că sunt o mulțime de noțiuni ce țin de structura Eului fiecărui individ (chiar dacă explicate foarte bine). Celani folosește puțini termeni psihologici, el încearcă să ajungă cât mai ușor la fiecare cititor. Cu toate acestea, vor fi necesare și notițe, întrucât, pe parcursul lecturii vei cauta semnificația unor noțiuni.
Nustiu dacă pot recomanda această carte tuturor, dar este extrem de utilă persoanelor care activează în domeniul sănătății mintale, dar și celor interesați în psihologie.
Ultimul capitol conține și metode de vindecare a persoanelor cu tulburări de personalitate, implicate în violența de familie.
Am fost uimită să citesc cât de adânc își au rădăcinile toate problemele legate de agresivitate.
February 5, 2017
Очень непростое чтение о том, как непросто быть душевно здоровым (и как важно присматривать за собой).
November 28, 2013
"[O]nly the individual who was not initially loved is capable later in life of attacking, maiming, or even killing his partner [p 88].
"[Fairbairn's] first point was that the greatest trauma that children can suffer is to feel fundamentally unloved by their mothers [p. 25].
[Paradox -- it seems such children should become less attached, but, in fact, they become more attached, spending great energy on the attempt to win love from the rejecting object. Males rage. Paradox -- results in **poor differentiation**. See pp. 43-29.]
Characteristics -- impulsive, lack of deep attachment, great dependency, sense of inadequacy, difficulty telling the truth, avoidance of responsibility. See p. 74.
"A telling aspect of the violence committed by character disorders is that it is most often directed at "innocent" others rather than the original parents.... Direct anger toward the parents is almost always inhibited." [p. 79]
"Lack of emotional attachment combined with ferociousness, infantile dependency accounts for much of the callousness seen in characterological relationships." [p.89]
Identity diffusion -- underlying structural weakness -- pp. 90-91.
Moral defense against bad objects -- self-directed criticism -- fantasy that the world is run by rules. See pp. 106-107.
Object constancy. Versus Splitting fractures the child's ego -- pp. 111-113.
Splitting -- alternating between two completely different and incompatible views of the object. [p. 116-117]
The power of introjection -- pages 190-191.
"In very primitive families all "badness" is projected onto one child who then "contains" all the sins of the family." [p. 193]
"The notion that we can solve a problem ... by "repairing" each individual who is afflicted by abuse without rectifying the underlying social problems, ignores everything we know about ... similar human dilemmas.
"...[T]he models [practitioners] use do not prescribe interventions that lead to success and ... character problems are enormously difficult...."
"The problem, as I see it, is our culture's almost unbelievable blindness to the long-term effects of abusive or neglectful childhoods....
"However, given the state of our current social policies, and the emphasis on parental rights that effectively block all substantial intervention into dysfunctional families until the children are nearly destroyed, ... [pp 206-209]."
pro Fairbairn, Kernberg, Melanie Klein, Anna Freud, John Bowlby, key explanation (splitting, abused self, hopeful self) on p.127), stages of the battering cycle, argues for Fairbairn in contrast to Lenore Walker (p. 152) and evidence-based practice
"[Fairbairn's] first point was that the greatest trauma that children can suffer is to feel fundamentally unloved by their mothers [p. 25].
[Paradox -- it seems such children should become less attached, but, in fact, they become more attached, spending great energy on the attempt to win love from the rejecting object. Males rage. Paradox -- results in **poor differentiation**. See pp. 43-29.]
Characteristics -- impulsive, lack of deep attachment, great dependency, sense of inadequacy, difficulty telling the truth, avoidance of responsibility. See p. 74.
"A telling aspect of the violence committed by character disorders is that it is most often directed at "innocent" others rather than the original parents.... Direct anger toward the parents is almost always inhibited." [p. 79]
"Lack of emotional attachment combined with ferociousness, infantile dependency accounts for much of the callousness seen in characterological relationships." [p.89]
Identity diffusion -- underlying structural weakness -- pp. 90-91.
Moral defense against bad objects -- self-directed criticism -- fantasy that the world is run by rules. See pp. 106-107.
Object constancy. Versus Splitting fractures the child's ego -- pp. 111-113.
Splitting -- alternating between two completely different and incompatible views of the object. [p. 116-117]
The power of introjection -- pages 190-191.
"In very primitive families all "badness" is projected onto one child who then "contains" all the sins of the family." [p. 193]
"The notion that we can solve a problem ... by "repairing" each individual who is afflicted by abuse without rectifying the underlying social problems, ignores everything we know about ... similar human dilemmas.
"...[T]he models [practitioners] use do not prescribe interventions that lead to success and ... character problems are enormously difficult...."
"The problem, as I see it, is our culture's almost unbelievable blindness to the long-term effects of abusive or neglectful childhoods....
"However, given the state of our current social policies, and the emphasis on parental rights that effectively block all substantial intervention into dysfunctional families until the children are nearly destroyed, ... [pp 206-209]."
pro Fairbairn, Kernberg, Melanie Klein, Anna Freud, John Bowlby, key explanation (splitting, abused self, hopeful self) on p.127), stages of the battering cycle, argues for Fairbairn in contrast to Lenore Walker (p. 152) and evidence-based practice
June 30, 2021
A plausible explanation delivered effortlessly.
June 15, 2007
The author lucidly describes the deep-seated reasons that abused women get involved with, and have trouble leaving, abusive men. Celani is influenced by R.D. Fairbairn, whose ideas were extremely advanced for his time. The concepts explained here can be applied to anyone, even those not in abusive relationships.
May 12, 2015
A little too self-righteous in assuring the reader that his approach is the only correct one but spot on and extremely insightful nevertheless. Intelligently concentrated on attachment on the whole rather than the subject stated on in the title. I'd say it's one of must-reads fora therapist.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews