How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent

by Carla Naumburg

Stop the yelling, lose the guilt, and become a calmer, happier parent.   Drawing on evidence-based practices, here is an insight-packed and tip-filled plan for how to stop the parental meltdowns. Its compassionate, pragmatic approach will help readers feel less ashamed and more empowered to get their, ahem, act together instead of losing it.   “Using a powerful combination of humor and reality checks, Naumburg helps parents unpack their unique stressors (we all have them) and find ways to stay calm even the most frustrating of family moments.” —Katie Hurley, LCSW, author of No More Mean Girls and The Happy Kid Handbook   “By the end not only are you laughing out loud, but you’ve gained a sense of self-compassion and a concrete action plan.”—Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD, author of The Tantrum Survival Guide      

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Childrens, Unfinished

225 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2019

About the author

Carla Naumburg, PhD, is a clinical social worker, writer, and speaker. She is the author of four parenting books, and lives outside of Boston with her family.

Reviews

[Genevieve Trono · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember so clearly the kind of parent I was going to be before I had kids...and then I became a parent. Our kids are kind, funny, curious, loving and they can totally make me lose my shit. We have two boys who are two years apart in age and parenting can feel like a total rollercoaster ride. No matter how hard you try, you are not going to be a perfect parent.

"When it comes to parenting, being awesome and screwing up are not mutually exclusive." -Carla Naumburg

I can recall with such vivid memories how completely overwhelmed I was when our first son was a baby because the physically demanding aspects of parenting an infant who cried a lot and slept, umm, not a lot were 24/7. I was exhausted. As the years went by and we added a second child, not only did parenting feel physically hard but it became emotionally hard. This is also when we entered the stage of "losing our shit".

You think it won't happen to you, but then it does. Have you ever tried strapping a screeching toddler into a car seat while they are whacking you in the face while also making their entire body as straight and stiff as a board? Have you ever wanted to take a 3-minute shower without referring two children who are fighting over a toy neither one has previously played with in years? Have you ever been on a last minute work phone call and had to say "I am going to have to call you back" because you can't hear anyone over the screeching of your children in the background of the car, who you previously explained to that you needed to make this important phone call? There are thousands of more examples, but this is just an example of how you may get to the "losing your sh*t" zone of parenting.

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids is a relatable and approachable discussion about the stresses of modern-day parenting. Naumburg starts with defining why parents can sometimes lose it, and then goes into the different steps of how you work towards losing it less.

TRIGGERS: Understand your triggers...we all have them even though they may be very different.

AWARENESS. Know what pushes your buttons and own it.

REFLECT. Having some insight into the WHY can help you have a plan.

REDUCE TRIGGERS: Work on reducing triggers. This makes you feel less out of control and enables you to be more proactive when you get into moments of frustration.

COMPASSION. Have compassion both with yourself and with your children...and really, the world around you. When you can look at something from a more empathetic viewpoint, it is easier to own the situation and then move forward. You always have another chance to have a more positive interaction.

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS. In a fast-paced world, parents are juggling more things than ever before. Finding ways to take care of yourself actually makes YOU a better parent. Find your village and support system and choose wisely when saying YES...the fewer overcommitments the fewer triggers you might have. Unitask when you are able...multitasking usually causes nothing to get done well and often results in massive frustration levels for all.

I found this book to be approachable and real, yet also great at calling out what our issues might be so we can be more proactive about them in the future. There was a great balance of reflection and action no matter what your situation or triggers. Naumburg strives for progress, not perfection which feels attainable when you are in the thick of it.

Naumburg discusses with great detail how to catch yourself when you are in or about to enter a "losing it" moment and has reachable suggestions such as "notice, pause and do literally anything else". I loved the section on compassion, both with ourselves and with our children. When we lose it, which will still happen sometimes, no matter how many things we put in place to stop it, the most important thing we can do is own it.

Reconnecting with ourselves can help guide us to why we might have reacted that way and provide us an opportunity to think about practical things we can put in place to help it from happening again...such as scheduling self-care, reaching out to our support system, etc.

Another step in compassion is reconnecting with our children. Getting calm and apologizing is one of the most powerful parts we can do, not only to repair and respect our relationships with our kids but also to help them see how powerful talking through moments can be for both parties.

I found so many parts of this book helpful and highly recommend it to any parent who is looking for proactive and attainable advice. Thank you to NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[CozyReaderKelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's probably bad to say that a 200 page book felt way too long, but that's how I felt while reading this book. At times it felt like there was just filler and could have easily been cut down. The reason this bothers me is that as a parent, when I'm reading a parenting book, I don't want the filler like I might in a novel for entertainment. I just want the information to improve my parenting and move on to actually implementing that information.

Despite being longer than needed, I felt like the author did have some good points. Everything she said to help with "losing your shit" seemed like common sense, but was a good reminder. Especially since when you are in the middle of losing your temper you can often forget simple things like breathing or noticing you're exhausted. I also liked how she was very personable in her writing and didn't make me feel bad as a parent because I can lose my temper with my kids. She affirms the parent while still saying that something needs to be done to do better in the future. I did get a couple good ideas out of this book, but it definitely wasn't the best parenting book I've read. It falls somewhere in the middle.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I appreciate that the author is honest about her struggles to stay calm as a parent and she reminds the reader that parenting is hard and none of us are perfect. Based on the title I expected the book to be written in an accessible, maybe even irreverent way, but after a while the trying-too-hard-to-sound-like-your-buddy tone began to wear on me. There also isn't much information in the book. All of it could be summed up in a great blog post instead of a full length book.

I received an ARC from NetGalley. The book will be released on August 20, 2019.

[Charul Palmer-Patel · Rating 2 out of 5]

The premise is solid but a lot of it is waffle/filler and so many points are obvious if you step back and have a chance to think about it. (Like more sleep = more chill)

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing. This is the first parenting book I have ever read cover to cover. It’s readable, informative and memorable. Carla Naumburg’s style feels like you’re talking with one of your best friends. It helps that when I read it I can hear her voice from listening to her on podcasts (most often on Mindful Mama Mentor with Hunter Clarke-Fields). I am going to keep this book close and refer to it often. I read out several passages to my husband. She also has an amazing summary section at the back. Thank you, Carla!!

[Jevgenij · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is a lot of repetition and not needed information in this book, and there is also a very good summary on less than 10 pages in the end, which I wish I read instead of the whole book, as there was little to none new information for me there. Sleep, exercise, manage stress and notice when you lose your shit - that's basically all.
However, it's written with plenty of humor and in general the advice is sound.

[Emily Cook · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a parenting book.
Like most of them I found this book to be funny, and bit long winded. It had some good points to it but overall it wasn't the best parenting book I've read.

[Best_books · Rating 2 out of 5]

I probably shouldn’t read self help books. I am not a connoisseur but I have only ever really liked Matt Haig’s take on therapy and I wonder if this because it feels like an autobiography rather than chapter after chapter of the same sentences with words in a different order.

This book has some valuable messages - losing your shit with your kids is not ideal, parents need to find ways to come down from the brink when they are ‘triggered’ and realisation of pressure points and understanding how to react to stop situations escalating are key. BUT I am not stupid and being told to get sleep, breath/count in stressful situations and treat my kids with respect is not hugely helpful. Advice such as be self-compassionate, use your support network and do some exercise are all wonderful aspirations but are only really possible if you have all those possibilities open to you. This book is very much for the middle class, good earner whose issues are fundamentally rooted in ineffectual work/ life balance.

I also have a huge problem with the fact it presumes the reader is a woman. Perhaps this isn’t implicitly said but it is absolutely the impression it gave me - perhaps as the female author narrates some of her experiences through it? The patronising tone her husband adopts when she has, or is about to lose her shit would make me a million times more likely to explode and why is their no real exploration about the responsibilities of the other parent - in co-parent situations? Why would you have to ask for their help? Why is this another chore for the Mother - adding delegation to the mental load?

Essentially this book wasn’t for me. For those who sometime lose their shit with their kids then this is normal (even the book acknowledges this) and address this through all the obvious means - sleep, breaks, help etc IF and only IF the necessary resources allow it. For others who lose their shit with their kids all the time or have a serious problem then get help .... another cup of coffee or a 5 minute break to read a magazine (or a chapter of this book) is not going to cut it.

[Nanci Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, a parenting book that doesn't mince words (I mean, the title alone kind of says it all!), isn't judgy or shaming, and offers doable, practical advice with a splash of humor. As a parent, I found this book to be helpful and really appreciated the author's authenticity and hilarity (if you like potty humor or joking about gas among other things, or if you're used to people who live with you thinking gas and poop is funny, then you'll think the author's humor is funny too). Parenting can be so freaking hard sometimes, and Naumburg normalizes this and takes the shame out of the job. She's right, we are so not alone, and this book embodies that reminder.

As a clinical social worker who provides family therapy and trainings to groups of people on psychological trauma, Naumburg's description of the stress response and our capacity to regulate our parasympathetic nervous system is the most approachable and relatable I've ever seen. She takes tricky and complicated topics, and entertainingly breaks them down into very simple to understand concepts, and helps the reader to feel that change really is attainable. The book provides a number of concrete, doable strategies to keep our shit together more often, and the author frames every strategy in real parenting life terms.

In short, if you're a parent, or someone who knows a parent, and/or someone who loses their shit once in a while, I think this book is a worthy read. I want to give away copies to all of my friends who are parents, and will definitely have copies on display for families I see professionally to borrow. And, finally, thanks to this book, Shama Lama Ding Dong is my new favorite mantra, and Perfection Can Suck It is a close second.

[Puty · Rating 4 out of 5]

I understand that some people might think that there are many redundancies in this book, because there are. However, I would say this book is all about affirmations; that it's okay to be not okay as parents; that it's natural that modern people who always multitask tend to lose their sh*t due to all the non-stop stimulation in this fast fast world. There are scientific explanations of why we actually need what know we need: enough sleep, more exercise, less work work work.

This book is perfect if you're already parent because it's funny, warm, and open about our vulnerabilities; like talking to a good friend.

If you're not yet a parent, you might find it too wordy. I guess.

[J · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't finish. Couldn't finish. Too smarmy to be likable or helpful. I'm really hoping this trend of swearing, low-brow self-help books ends soon.

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m not sure why I read this book because this isn’t my particular parenting struggle. So I kind of set myself up for not liking it lol.

I started listening to the audiobook a while ago and just couldn’t get through it, and finally powered through the rest today to be done with it. It was too long - even for a short book. The information wasn’t enough to make a book, it could’ve been an article or blog post. I didn’t like the jokey tone of the book (just personal preference) and it definitely has that “shocking” title to pull the reader in, and then not much substance. The takeaways were: know your triggers, spend time taking care of yourself, and pause, breathe, and walk away when you’re about to flip out. Nothing groundbreaking.

[Edita Kazakevičienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Realybė tokia, kad mūsų vaikai išmoksta daugiau iš to, ką darome, negu iš to, ką sakome, ir jų mažos vaikiškos smegenys nebūtinai atskiria mūsų sumanius auklėjimo būdus nuo siaubingų ir impulsyvių."

Dar viena puiki knyga tėvams iš gerai žinomos serijos "Pabučiuok mane". Kaip sufleruoja pavadinimas, šioje knygoje kalbama apie tai, kaip nustoti šaukti ant savo vaikų. Na gerai, visiškai nešaukti ant jų neįmanoma, bet įmanoma šaukti mažiau arba daryti tai labai retai.

Knygos autorė yra filosofijos mokslų daktarė, šeimų patarėja dviejų vaikų mama bei trijų knygų tėvams autorė. Šioje knygoje ji dalinasi ir savo tėvystės iššūkių istorija. Nevaldomi emocijų protrūkiai, rėkimas, šaukimas yra daugelio tėvų skaudi problema, tačiau gera žinia – tai nereiškia, jog kažkas su mumis ar mūsų vaikais yra negerai.

Autorė apžvelgia kas yra protrūkiai, kokios jų priežastys, ir kaip užkirsti jiems kelią. Savitvardos įgūdis, kaip ir visi įgūdžiai yra įvaldomas, jei tik yra praktikuojamas. Knygoje pateikiama vienuolika skirtingų praktikų-strategijų, kurios padeda sureguliuoti nervų sistemą ir sumažinti protrūkių ant vaikų skaičių.

Kadangi daug skaitau, tai apie didžiąją dalį praktikų buvau jau girdėjusi, o kai kurias netgi pritaikiusi savo gyvenime, tad galiu patvirtinti, jog tai tikrai veiksminga. Taip pat, atradau labai naudingą skyrių apie dirgiklius ir ši informacija paskatino mane imtis kelių pokyčių. Pavyzdžiui, vienas iš jų – grįžti prie senamadiškos popierinės užrašinės užuot viską žymėjusis išmaniajame telefone.

Man patiko, kad knygoje nedaug teorijos, o visa informacija lengvai pritaikoma praktiškai. Kai kuriuos vaikus išties sunkiau auginti nei kitus, o kai kada tėvystės iššūkiai būna labai sunkūs. Autorė pataria rūpintis savimi taip kantriai ir geranoriškai, kaip kad stengiamės rūpintis savo vaikais. Informacija yra tik viena pokyčių detalė, o kad jie įvyktų, reikalingi veiksmai. Mes galime būti geresni tėvai ir mūsų vaikai to nusipelnė.

Knygų apžvalgos: www.profesionalimama.wordpress.com

[Kim Brenton · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unbelievably bad. 90% filler fluff, 10% common sense advice we’ve all heard a thousand times before- self care, alone time, breathe, and don’t multi task. For a book written by a PhD, I expected more interesting or helpful information.

[Alexander · Rating 2 out of 5]

All the real advice is in the last 2 chapters and the book spends so much time spinning its wheels and repeating itself that hearing essentially "you need to calm down" did not go over well.

[Sarah Cupitt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Main takeaway: When you’re on the verge of snapping, the strategy is simple: Notice, Pause, and Do Literally Anything Else

Notes:
- Understanding why you lose control is the first step toward regaining it.
- But not all outbursts are created equal. Some moments of anger, such as yelling when your child runs into the street, come from a place of real concern and are appropriate. However, toxic explosions – like screaming over a minor inconvenience – are harmful. These outbursts damage your relationship with your child while increasing stress levels for both of you, making future meltdowns more likely.
- losing your temper regularly takes a toll on your health. Each time you lose control, your stress hormones spike, which can lead to long-term issues like high blood pressure and weakened immunity
- Triggers are the situations that make you more likely to overreact or lose your temper, especially with your kids. Think of them as emotional buttons that get bigger and more sensitive when you’re stressed, tired, or overwhelmed. Children, by their very nature, are experts at pushing these buttons, often without realizing it.
- trying to stop your kids from pushing your buttons isn’t the solution. Children’s brains are still developing, and expecting them to always behave perfectly isn’t realistic. They’ll make mistakes, push boundaries, and act out, no matter what you do. Instead of focusing on controlling their behavior, the key is to manage your own emotional responses.
- Exhaustion, multitasking, loud noises, or anxiety are common triggers that might make you more prone to losing your temper. Recognizing when you’re getting triggered is the first step in preventing a meltdown.
- doing less – specifically focusing on single-tasking – can help you stay calmer and in control.
- Multitasking is a myth. The brain isn’t designed to handle several activities at once, and when you try, your stress levels rise.
- Single-tasking doesn’t mean you’ll never multitask again, but you’ll gain more control over when and how you handle tasks.
- One of the main causes of losing your temper with your kids is deprioritizing key practices that help keep you balanced.
- Your support network should include three types of people: professionals like doctors and teachers for expert advice, your crew for everyday help, and your closest friends for emotional support.
- Continuous adult intervention not only stifles their independence but also wears you down emotionally.
- In short, making space – physically or mentally – benefits both you and your children. The more intentional you are about finding that space, the less likely you are to lose your temper.
- Let’s be honest: no matter how much you’ve tried to manage your stress, avoid triggers, and build positive routines, there’ll still be moments when you’re ready to lose your temper with your kids. It could be the aftermath of a sleepless night or the 50th time they’ve ignored your requests. Whatever the reason, meltdowns happen. The trick isn’t to eliminate them entirely but to handle them in a way that prevents a total blow-up.

[Jasper Smit · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dit is echt een fantastisch boek. Door de titel dacht ik dat het een onzinnig zou zijn maar het is zinnig!

Met enorm veel humor en snelheid en eerlijkheid, zegt ze allemaal dingen die ik heerlijk vond om te lezen omdat ik die nooit durfde te denken of die ik simpelweg niet had bedacht: ouder zijn is superzwaar, je kan niet voorkomen dat je kind op al je knoppen drukt je kan alleen veranderen wat je doet als ze op die knop drukken.

Had ik al gezegd dat het hilarisch geschreven is? Ik ben best een zuurpruim als het gaat om boeken maar ik heb vaak hardop gelachen en het vervolgens voorgelezen aan mn lief.

Het is ook wijs en kwetsbaar en het staat vol met inzichten die ik elke ouder toewens.

[Evan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Centered on giving oneself adequate self-care to prevent, or at least reduce the occurrence of, oneself from becoming triggered in the first place and being aware/mindful of the events, settings, precursors to one losing one's shit so that the impending loss of shit can be avoided. This is sound advice and is all well and good, but time for self-care and the awareness/mindfulness to see a shit-losing episode coming are not often available; still, making time for and practicing both are worthwhile endeavors given the alternatives...

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book! If you think you would enjoy a parenting book with aphorisms like "Perfection can suck it" and clever acronyms like Feelings, Automatic, Reactive, Toxic (FART) and Button Reducing Practices (BuRP), as well as evidence- and reality-based advice, definitely give this a try. I borrowed this from the library, but ended up buying my own copy because I fully intend on referring back to this in the future...and forcing my husband to read it.

[Alison LaMarr · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe a 2.5? Summers are hard for me! So I reached out via a self help book with a catchy title. Ha. Some good reminders but ultimately nothing life changing. Takeaways: don’t multitask. I am so guilty of this. I try and try and then do it all poorly and then get frustrated and triggered and have some parenting fails. Get more sleep. Duh. Get off your phone. Remove yourself when needed. Some of the other stuff just didn’t feel relevant for a variety of reasons.

[Tara-Dawn Wark · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.
Every parent loses their shit sometimes PERIOD! How true!!

“When we are calm, fed, well rested, appropriately caffeinated, etc. , our buttons are small, dim,less sensitive, and generally less vulnerable to being pushed.”

All it takes to not lose your shit:
“NOTICE, PAUSE, and DO LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE!”

[Liz Townsend · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grew up in a yelling household. And while I don’t lose my shit often, I feign patience for my kids’ shenanigans, which sometimes comes with an annoyed and impatient tone and an internal freak out.

This book is solid in the advice (and light on cringe, like using the acronyms BURP and FART to remember not to lose your shit) and a lot of it can be distilled into “being present”. Some of the best advice revolved around phone usage. She writes about putting your phone away away in the car- you’re setting the example for how your kids will behave in 10-15 years——- as a teacher of teens, this is absolutely something ALL PARENTS needs to consider.

Will say, a lot of the advice comes with a tacit acceptance of a certain level of privilege- financial, community, etc— which is a huge turn off in some sections of the book.

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Re-read 3x...

[Doroti · Rating 4 out of 5]

A reasonable one, most of the advice is pure common sense, though.
Still, well reminded common sense.
But not the revolution it promises :)

[Saar Steverlinck · Rating 4 out of 5]

Een eerlijk, compassievol boek dat echt goede raad gaf en me tegelijk het gevoel gaf dat ik - met al mijn tekortkomingen - goed bezig ben.

[Sabine Coppens · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dit boek kan je meerdere malen lezen en raadplegen - handige tips voor iedereen!!

[Kate Howard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book is exactly what I needed for such a trying period of parenting. My major take aways were about noticing when I feel triggered, how to work on SINGLE-TASKING so my brain isn’t overworked/overstimulated, putting down my damn toxic phone, and focusing on getting myself QUALITY sleep. I’ve already implemented a bunch of changes and feel so much better and happier around my kids. And, by extension, they are playing more harmoniously too. We won’t always be perfect, but our kids will always do as we do, so it was nice to be reminded about which behaviors I should be focused on modeling.

[Zara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This felt a bit long and repetitive, and I’m not sure I’m the ideal audience (not because I don’t lose my shit, but because I don’t do the other things - berate myself for being a bad mom, blame my kids for being terrible, never ask for help, try to do it all, etc - that the author spends a lot of time focusing on). That said, this would definitely be a helpful book for someone feeling like they’re the only person losing it, and I personally appreciated the space to think about what specifically triggers me to freak out at my kids (and the multiple reminders that adequate sleep is nonnegotiable).

[Nara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a GREAT book. Affirming, funny as shit, and really, really concretely helpful. This and the Nagoskis' Burnout are really going to change my life in significant ways. Good for anyone who loses their shit with anyone, honestly. Great mnemonics, great phrasing, great wry empathy for the ways that shit loss is the unspoken shame of parenting.

I'm also reading a book on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but honestly, almost everything in this and Burnout is aligned and a much better explanation.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

I appreciated how applicable some of the suggestions were, not just with kids but in my every day work life.