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Để Cho Con Yên - Nhưng Cứ Chuyển Cho Con Tiền
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First published October 1, 1991
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 372 reviews
September 4, 2007
I'm currently raising my fourth teenager, so you'd think I'd have it figured out by now. Well, I don't ... and I found this book really helpful. There's a pretty simple message running through every chapter. State your rules and values, stay firm, and accept that you can't fully control them. Your voice will eventually become part of their conscience, and they'll probably turn out all right.
September 4, 2008
This book reminded me of Rilke: master of simultaneous attraction and repulsion. For Rilke, it was women. For teenagers, it's their parents. The mouthing is almost a kind of teething: at the same time they mouth off to signal their independence, they do it obnoxiously as a way to maintain their childish status. They both do and do not want their independence (this translates to wanting freedom with only the responsibilities they recognize.) They want their parents' unconditional love and they are allergic to their parents' presence.
When told to do something, the mouthing off also achieves changing the topic from the order to some meta-argument: "You always tell me what to do. You're so unfair." And for the parent to veer off in defense of accusations allows the teenager to maintain a bond with the parent while not doing what they were told to do. And if the teenager can vex the parent into being upset, they get the benefit of an interaction of emotion with the parent instead of an interaction of imperatives.
How to handle this?
1. Declare what needs to be done.
2. argumentative response
3. Redeclare what needs to be done.
4. argumentative response
5. Redeclare what needs to be done.
Repeat as needed (aka "nag".) If the response is some form of "later" response, redeclare what needs to be done and that it must happen now.
Also, don't insist on the last word. If the teenager gives some sort of response that is minimally satisfactory, let it go. It's less important that we get the last word than that we are heard. Too often, our last words are a lecture which is usually not effective anyway. If you've made your point, walk away.
For instance, if you're dealing with a broken rule, you may find yourself in this scenario:
1. Declare the rule's been broken
2. Emphasize it's not acceptable
3. Emphasize the rule's still in effect.
and then walk away. Even if the teen's response is some expression that they are being treated unfairly. No need to argue about it.
There is the issue of the degree of compliance with the rule. For instance, if the curfew is 9 and the teen comes home at 9:10 or 9:15, is the curfew working? Yes, but imperfectly. Imperfect may be good enough when you need to pick your battles.
The other point I got from this book is not to use conditional love. In other words, you may say no to doing your teen a favor if they've just been rude to you, but to bear a grudge and not do them a favor the next day sends the message that they only get love if they deserve it. I have mixed feelings about it, but as long as a teen knows the behavior is not accepted even while they are, that's probably okay.
I'm not sure if it was from this book, but another worthwhile thought is to recognize when the time isn't right to discuss something. Sometimes, when the issue isn't urgent and the teen is being mouthy, it's good to say that obviously it isn't a good time to discuss it and walk away.
Finally, try to stay calm and use humor where applicable.
When told to do something, the mouthing off also achieves changing the topic from the order to some meta-argument: "You always tell me what to do. You're so unfair." And for the parent to veer off in defense of accusations allows the teenager to maintain a bond with the parent while not doing what they were told to do. And if the teenager can vex the parent into being upset, they get the benefit of an interaction of emotion with the parent instead of an interaction of imperatives.
How to handle this?
1. Declare what needs to be done.
2. argumentative response
3. Redeclare what needs to be done.
4. argumentative response
5. Redeclare what needs to be done.
Repeat as needed (aka "nag".) If the response is some form of "later" response, redeclare what needs to be done and that it must happen now.
Also, don't insist on the last word. If the teenager gives some sort of response that is minimally satisfactory, let it go. It's less important that we get the last word than that we are heard. Too often, our last words are a lecture which is usually not effective anyway. If you've made your point, walk away.
For instance, if you're dealing with a broken rule, you may find yourself in this scenario:
1. Declare the rule's been broken
2. Emphasize it's not acceptable
3. Emphasize the rule's still in effect.
and then walk away. Even if the teen's response is some expression that they are being treated unfairly. No need to argue about it.
There is the issue of the degree of compliance with the rule. For instance, if the curfew is 9 and the teen comes home at 9:10 or 9:15, is the curfew working? Yes, but imperfectly. Imperfect may be good enough when you need to pick your battles.
The other point I got from this book is not to use conditional love. In other words, you may say no to doing your teen a favor if they've just been rude to you, but to bear a grudge and not do them a favor the next day sends the message that they only get love if they deserve it. I have mixed feelings about it, but as long as a teen knows the behavior is not accepted even while they are, that's probably okay.
I'm not sure if it was from this book, but another worthwhile thought is to recognize when the time isn't right to discuss something. Sometimes, when the issue isn't urgent and the teen is being mouthy, it's good to say that obviously it isn't a good time to discuss it and walk away.
Finally, try to stay calm and use humor where applicable.
September 11, 2009
Perfect! When I finish this I'll know alllll about raising a pre-teen daughter and son! I think it should come with a subscription to the Wine of the Month club or something equally helpful.
May 27, 2013
I found this short book incredibly helpful. Wolf pulls no punches on what it's like to live with the contemporary American teenager. This quote perfectly sums up what it is like to live with my 13-year old son: "For those who have never raised a teenage child, it is hard to imagine the day-to-day swings between crazed frenzy and genuine tranquility. Some of the time things are calm, even beautiful. You love your kid and he or she seems just fine. But at other times, perhaps five minutes later, you become enraged beyond reason, and at the same time certain your child is utterly doomed, so warped in character development as to stand no chance of making it in life. And then things are fine again." Exactly!
So what's a parent to do - Wolf recommends three things: (1) don't take it personally parents - it is the kid's job to separate and the parent's job to let go (as scary as this is when the teenage brain is not fully developed), (2) continue to set rules and enforce them - but expect them to be broken constantly and don't take it personally and don't give up, and (3) be patient - if the kid was basically allright before entering the teen years, the kid will be basically allright when they come out the other side. I have to say this sort of tough love approach to the PARENTS is so helpful. Wolf points out that by the time the kid is 13, he has your values drilled into him - your voice is in his head all the time - you don't have to yell constantly to get your point across. And you have to understand that many times, he will choose to ignore your voice in his head in favor of his peers and that's just the way it is.
So what's a parent to do - Wolf recommends three things: (1) don't take it personally parents - it is the kid's job to separate and the parent's job to let go (as scary as this is when the teenage brain is not fully developed), (2) continue to set rules and enforce them - but expect them to be broken constantly and don't take it personally and don't give up, and (3) be patient - if the kid was basically allright before entering the teen years, the kid will be basically allright when they come out the other side. I have to say this sort of tough love approach to the PARENTS is so helpful. Wolf points out that by the time the kid is 13, he has your values drilled into him - your voice is in his head all the time - you don't have to yell constantly to get your point across. And you have to understand that many times, he will choose to ignore your voice in his head in favor of his peers and that's just the way it is.
Want to read
January 15, 2009Obviously, I need help with parenting so I keep trying to read books such as these which continues to offend my children.
June 16, 2016
This book was recommended to me by a friend after I expressed my frustration with my young teen. I am so glad that she did. I found this book tremendously helpful for several reasons:
1. The behaviour of my kids is completely normal, albeit frustrating. This was an enormous relief. Wolf spent a lot of time explaining the normal development of both boys and girls and it was like a light went on for me. It helped make me more understanding and less annoyed and helped me choose how to react.
2. Our laments that we would never have acted this way with our parents are in fact well-founded. Today's teens are different because as a society we have correctly agreed not to wallop our kids and have thus removed the element of fear and a powerful controlling element from the parenting equation. Now that we understand that kids are acting true to their nature and we can't take them to the wood shed for it, how do we respond?
3. Wolf outlines at length how to respond to a variety of situations with your teen. Hold firm. Set expectations. Make it all clear.
This book has given me renewed confidence as we enter a new era of parenting. The toddler stage seems like a cakewalk! But with Wolf's advice and insight I am hoping that there will still be room for some cake as we navigate the teen years. Very helpful read.
1. The behaviour of my kids is completely normal, albeit frustrating. This was an enormous relief. Wolf spent a lot of time explaining the normal development of both boys and girls and it was like a light went on for me. It helped make me more understanding and less annoyed and helped me choose how to react.
2. Our laments that we would never have acted this way with our parents are in fact well-founded. Today's teens are different because as a society we have correctly agreed not to wallop our kids and have thus removed the element of fear and a powerful controlling element from the parenting equation. Now that we understand that kids are acting true to their nature and we can't take them to the wood shed for it, how do we respond?
3. Wolf outlines at length how to respond to a variety of situations with your teen. Hold firm. Set expectations. Make it all clear.
This book has given me renewed confidence as we enter a new era of parenting. The toddler stage seems like a cakewalk! But with Wolf's advice and insight I am hoping that there will still be room for some cake as we navigate the teen years. Very helpful read.
June 26, 2015
The author focuses on a very stereotypical teen-adult dynamic (parent lays down the law about homework, curfew, etc and the teen reacts with a stream of angry profanity). I assume that's because that's what he sees in his counseling practice. The advice is mostly in the form of reassurance and encouragement to stay firm and not despair. I think many families maintain a more multi-dimensional and connected relationship through the teen years. But the explanations he gives of the psychology behind teen struggles can be helpful to any parent.
February 10, 2013
This was excellent. A must-read for any parent of a difficult teenager (which is pretty much every teenager). How anyone could give this less than 5 stars, I don't know, except that this book doesn't offer any pat solutions to the problem of being a good parent to someone who treats you with disrespect and who is irrational. If you are expecting any solutions to the situation other than time, this book might disappoint you. But it is one of the few good "self-help" books I have ever come across.
September 7, 2013
This author seems to hate teenagers and advocates a level of condescension that I can't support. The book was uplifting in one sense-- the author gives case studies and examples of teens who were so poorly socialized that I felt cheered that my son is just a little moody and reticent.
January 15, 2016
This book is old, but so good! I can't believe how accurate it is in depicting teens. It talks about how, at home, teen boys become reclusive and teen girls turn into fighters. Very good to help parents understand their teen's behavior. Perhaps there's something more updated. I have to check.
April 2, 2015
This book was recommended from a few different people. I could only locate the abridged version but I felt the advice portions were soft. I guess I am more strict or at least hope to be when my kids reach the teen years. It provided a good view of what teens are going through mentally and emotionally during these years and how they view adults in their lives. I found this part helpful. Loved the title but I think a recent read, "Boundaries with Teens", is much better.
July 13, 2019
Ok, people - if you have adolescents or teens in your home or will soon, I highly recommend this book. Especially the first half of it. Even though I don’t agree with everything, there is some priceless information and perspective on how a teens think and how to relate to them. And since I didn’t start it till my oldest was 17, I can attest to the accuracy of many of the sketches. This book was very affirming and very helpful.
August 27, 2017
In three days time, I'll officially have two teenagers as my twin girls turn 13.
I read a couple of short "parenting teens" books at the start of the year when I had a Kindle Unlimited trial but both were disappointing and not very helpful to me personally. This one, I liked a lot. Sensible, useful advise and perspective on this next and different stage of parenting.
I read a couple of short "parenting teens" books at the start of the year when I had a Kindle Unlimited trial but both were disappointing and not very helpful to me personally. This one, I liked a lot. Sensible, useful advise and perspective on this next and different stage of parenting.
March 15, 2018
Really helpful book for parents of kids aged 11-17. The basic message is that you have less control than you think, more influence than you think, and most kids turn out fine. Most importantly, your children will most likely turn out differently than what you you envisioned and you need to come to terms with that and love and support them anyway. A worthwhile read for all parents.
January 17, 2016
I picked this up to help me understand my 17 year old daughter who is driving me crazy. Gave me lots of great insight. Surprisingly, I also learned a great deal about the motivations behind my 15 year old son's behavior. I strongly recommend to anyone parenting teenagers!
December 12, 2017
I don't think I've ever highlighted so many passages in any book as I did with this. I might have suspected that the author had set up hidden cameras in my house, if it weren't for the fact that so many of my friends have described similar scenarios to those he describes. He hits the living-with-teens nail right on the head - the difference between their behaviour at home and their behaviour in other settings; their apparent determination not to rely on their parents for anything but also to rely on them for lots of things; his description of teenaged boys as "vanishing experts", "absenting even when present"; the introduction of words like "Wha?" and "Huurh?"; their apparent total lack of empathy for the adults in their lives whilst losing sleep over puppies, the rainforest or starving children; their posturing; their constant last-minute changes of plan...oh yeah, he's clearly btdt.
Parents are offered reassurance, and while there's less concrete advice here than in other books I've read, that's probably because the difference between raising children and raising teenagers is that with teenagers, you're dealing with people who are, as the author puts it, "already launched". They are largely who they are going to be - albeit hidden behind a heavy layer of "being a teenager". The author clearly understands the difficulties that face parents - the issues are generally more complex and more consequential in the teen years than in earlier years: "This is the cruel irony: we are asked to let go precisely when the stakes go up." He acknowledges that, as parents of teens, we have inadequate weapons, but discusses why it's still so important to support our teens and to continue to set boundaries, even if our teens constantly push them, stretch them, ignore them or batter them beyond recognition - and what it means when they do, and what we should do in response.
There is empathy and respect for teens here, as well as sympathy and reassurance for their parents. As the parent of six (currently early-20s, just-turned-20, just-turned-18, mid-teens, about to hit the teens and got-a-couple-of-years-of-cute-left) fabulous and wildly different-to-each-other kids, I recognised every one of them in this - and interestingly, when I read excerpts out loud to some of my older kids, they got all sheepish and eye-contact-avoiding and laughing at themselves, because they recognised their own behaviour too!
Parents are offered reassurance, and while there's less concrete advice here than in other books I've read, that's probably because the difference between raising children and raising teenagers is that with teenagers, you're dealing with people who are, as the author puts it, "already launched". They are largely who they are going to be - albeit hidden behind a heavy layer of "being a teenager". The author clearly understands the difficulties that face parents - the issues are generally more complex and more consequential in the teen years than in earlier years: "This is the cruel irony: we are asked to let go precisely when the stakes go up." He acknowledges that, as parents of teens, we have inadequate weapons, but discusses why it's still so important to support our teens and to continue to set boundaries, even if our teens constantly push them, stretch them, ignore them or batter them beyond recognition - and what it means when they do, and what we should do in response.
There is empathy and respect for teens here, as well as sympathy and reassurance for their parents. As the parent of six (currently early-20s, just-turned-20, just-turned-18, mid-teens, about to hit the teens and got-a-couple-of-years-of-cute-left) fabulous and wildly different-to-each-other kids, I recognised every one of them in this - and interestingly, when I read excerpts out loud to some of my older kids, they got all sheepish and eye-contact-avoiding and laughing at themselves, because they recognised their own behaviour too!
August 10, 2010
Our family counselor loaned this book to my husband & I. I have mixed thoughts on it overall. I liked it because the anectdotes were humourous and relatable. I also liked that basically the message of this book is "relax, you can't really screw your kid up that badly and even if they are revealing a worrying trend now, as long as you continue to show you care, they'll likely turn out ok in a few years." It's a book that I'm convinced our couselor suggested we read for reassurance; and as a gentle reminder that doing your best, when it comes to child rearing, is usually good enough - it kind of has to be. There is a very realistic tone to this book that reminds the reader of what they were likely like when they were a teenager and how/why they turned out ok.
I couldn't give it 5 stars though, because it felt a bit laisse-faire to me. Maybe I'm too controlling, but I do feel it's important to teach, and expect, respect and responsibility. It seemed to me that Wolf was trying to say that because the trend now is for teenagers to be generally more lazy and disrespectful than teenagers from a generation ago, we should embrace that trend and stop expecting so much respect and responsibility from them. That seems to me to perpetuate what I consider to be a sad trend and sells the potential of our children short. He's letting parents off the hook for rearing a lazy and disrespectful generation of kids, and assuring them that if they just wait for this phase to pass, it'll all come right in the end. He may be right, and as a parent who tries hard but doesn't always get it "right", it's comforting to hear that from time to time; I just wouldn't want to put all my marbles in that basket, I think my daughter deserves better than that from me.
I couldn't give it 5 stars though, because it felt a bit laisse-faire to me. Maybe I'm too controlling, but I do feel it's important to teach, and expect, respect and responsibility. It seemed to me that Wolf was trying to say that because the trend now is for teenagers to be generally more lazy and disrespectful than teenagers from a generation ago, we should embrace that trend and stop expecting so much respect and responsibility from them. That seems to me to perpetuate what I consider to be a sad trend and sells the potential of our children short. He's letting parents off the hook for rearing a lazy and disrespectful generation of kids, and assuring them that if they just wait for this phase to pass, it'll all come right in the end. He may be right, and as a parent who tries hard but doesn't always get it "right", it's comforting to hear that from time to time; I just wouldn't want to put all my marbles in that basket, I think my daughter deserves better than that from me.
May 12, 2015
I recently ran into a former professor/friend of mine and after saying hello, I launched into an "All Teenagers are Evil," rant. When I slowed down to take a breath, she suggested that I read this book and I am glad that I did. Overall, the book has some really interested tidbits. I learned:
Nothing good will come of arguing with a teen. State your position, stick with it and move on
I already knew this one, but spanking adolescents is not a good idea for many reasons
Teens are resilient and can usually bounce back a lot quicker than adults from confrontation
Always, always, make it clear to your teen that if she/he is in a dangerous situation they should call home. Safety rules over anger.
The section that dealt with adolescent suicide was very informative as well. As stated, I enjoyed the book. Some of the fictional interactions between the teens and parents were downright ridiculous. My child does not curse at me and definitely does not call me names to my face and I would never stand for that.
The only downside to this book is some of the sections lagged hence the four star rating. It took me nearly a month to get through this and it is only about 250 pages long. I still recommend buying this book, because I imagine parents will need to refer to it over the teenage years.
Nothing good will come of arguing with a teen. State your position, stick with it and move on
I already knew this one, but spanking adolescents is not a good idea for many reasons
Teens are resilient and can usually bounce back a lot quicker than adults from confrontation
Always, always, make it clear to your teen that if she/he is in a dangerous situation they should call home. Safety rules over anger.
The section that dealt with adolescent suicide was very informative as well. As stated, I enjoyed the book. Some of the fictional interactions between the teens and parents were downright ridiculous. My child does not curse at me and definitely does not call me names to my face and I would never stand for that.
The only downside to this book is some of the sections lagged hence the four star rating. It took me nearly a month to get through this and it is only about 250 pages long. I still recommend buying this book, because I imagine parents will need to refer to it over the teenage years.
February 3, 2010
Recommended reading for parents of teens and tweens. Most parents will discover the arguments they have with their teens are typical and the author gives suggestions on what works and what won't work. A lot of it is common sense advice, but at least you know for sure what things to keep on doing and what things will be a waste of time.
The witty writing makes this a breezy read that only helps you better absorb and understand the content. Wolf shares dialogue that many parents will wonder if he was a fly on their wall. Beware that there are bad words in the book, which reflect the typical teen's language and have every purpose of being there.
This isn't your typical parenting book full of studies and directives like the ones you read when your child was newborn or toddler. Although last updated in 2002 (eight years ago from when I read it), the book's contents still remain relevant today.
The witty writing makes this a breezy read that only helps you better absorb and understand the content. Wolf shares dialogue that many parents will wonder if he was a fly on their wall. Beware that there are bad words in the book, which reflect the typical teen's language and have every purpose of being there.
This isn't your typical parenting book full of studies and directives like the ones you read when your child was newborn or toddler. Although last updated in 2002 (eight years ago from when I read it), the book's contents still remain relevant today.
October 15, 2017
Don’t let the goofy title put you off. This is a book of substance that has saved me on many occasions. Raising a teenager is not what I expected — it’s harder, baffling and nuanced. I keep the book handy as a reference and go back to it when things get rough. It only takes a few pages to change my perspective and lower my pulse rate. The author’s thesis is that as a result of our attitudes toward being parents, we have created a generation of children who think they are our peers. Meaning: They get a say, in everything. They choose what rules to follow. You, the lowly parent, holds only one opinion. Etc. The book offers a way to navigate this tangled web with dignity and enough “old school” common sense to feel a restored sense of sanity about how to foster their independence without losing sight of who is in charge (at least for 4 more years).
January 28, 2015
This book is so actual talking about internet safety, drugs, sex, binge drinking, you name it and you'll find an answer in there. Quite a few good examples and not patronising in any way.
If you have a teenager and wish to understand his world more, or even if you don't have a teenager just yet but want to get an insight into what the future may hold, this book is for you.
It actually improved my relationship with my son as I feel I can now understand him better.
Enjoy!
If you have a teenager and wish to understand his world more, or even if you don't have a teenager just yet but want to get an insight into what the future may hold, this book is for you.
It actually improved my relationship with my son as I feel I can now understand him better.
Enjoy!
January 2, 2016
A book recommended to me by two people - neither of which knows the other. A fabulous book for any person, parent, or guardian that has a pre-teen or current teen in their care.
Dr. Wolf is simply a practical father, counselor, and author! I cannot think of a better way to begin 2016. I have a better understanding and maybe learned a couple of things about myself in the process.
Dr. Wolf is simply a practical father, counselor, and author! I cannot think of a better way to begin 2016. I have a better understanding and maybe learned a couple of things about myself in the process.
December 24, 2012
Humorous, insightful, helpful but a little dated. If written today there would be more neuroscience and brain development discussion. Best part of my copy was marginalia and underlined phrases by previous readers. E.g. "Lectures do very little," "Parents must not allow themselves to get sucked into ongoing battles."
December 7, 2009
An excellent explanation as to why teenagers act the way they do. I found the girls' explanation close to my experience, so I trust the author's word on the boys'. But I could have done without all the curse words. Yeah, many teenagers talk like that, but how much do I need to read it?
October 31, 2011
This is a terrific parenting book about parenting teens. Ultimately optimistic, it doesn't pull any punches about what we are all in for in the next few years. A wise mom recomended it to me as her key to sanitity during those rough years.
February 25, 2012
One of the few "How To Raise a Teenager" books that has really reached me. On par with the "What to Expect..." series, but with a wry, accurate and earthy sense of humor that is essential to surviving your darling child's adolescence without incurring a felony record.
June 1, 2015
This book was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.
Not much has changed, except my perspective. I feel much more mentally prepared for the rollercoaster I just started riding. I suspect I will be re-reading portions of it over the next few years.
Not much has changed, except my perspective. I feel much more mentally prepared for the rollercoaster I just started riding. I suspect I will be re-reading portions of it over the next few years.
June 10, 2009
I was impressed by how extremely realistic this author is about teenagers, and the best ways to influence their behavior.
February 20, 2023
Clearly, this book on dealing with teenagers is a bit old. It was recommended by my doctor, and I didn't realize how old it was until it started referring to 'finding a phone', and that one of the main problems with teenagers is not knowing where they are (can't you just track their phones?).
In any case, many of the issued it brought up were spot on, and very relevant today, even if some of the examples are a bit dated. It was well worth the read.
A few of my notes:
Fairness to children is like Trust to a teenager. A teenager needs to have trust with their parents, despite the fact that they constantly lie to their parents.
The better indicator of how a child will be when they grow up is how they act outside of the home, not at home.
Teenagers have this constant need to be close to their parents, but at the same time, they need to pull away because they feel like they are becoming adults.
When teenagers fight with their parents, they are not trying to actually win the fight, their goal is to continue the fight. The best thing, apparent conditioning, estate what they need to say a couple of times and then walk away. There is no winning in continuing to fight. That’s just doing what they want.
You must never, never ever, hit a teenager.
Often they will start a fight just to avoid doing the thing that you ask them to do. It gets them out of chores. Don’t let them do this. Keep reminding them what they have to do and then walk away.
If you set rules for kids, and they seem like they’re constantly disobeying them by a little bit, then they are actually successful. Because it shows the kid is listening and it’s rebelling, but only rebelling a little bit.
If you want your teenager to do something for you, you have to be OK with nagging. If you don’t nag it won’t get done.
If you want your teenager to do something and you ask them, you have to get them to do it right away. if they don’t do it right away then they won’t do it.
When siblings are fighting and then it escalates until they go to their parents, it ceases to matter what they were fighting about and turns into a contest to win over the parents’ agreement. Do not get involved. Force them to figure it out themselves, or you’ll only make it worse, and can cause issues between siblings by taking sides.
Even if one parent totally disagrees with how the other parent handles a situation, you should never contradict that other parent. If you’re going to step in, it can only be to back them up.
For teenagers who aren’t good at studying or finishing their homework, the only way to really help them is supervision. Set a time in the day, when they have to do study or homework, and make it the same time for the same amount of time every day, or every other day or whatever the rule is, Even if they don’t have homework. That time Has to be supervised by a parent. It also takes sometimes even a year or two for the habit to stick. But eventually, it will stick, and they will have learned how to study. If we just leave them to fail in hopes that the failure will teach them to change their habits, that doesn’t actually work with teenagers.
In any case, many of the issued it brought up were spot on, and very relevant today, even if some of the examples are a bit dated. It was well worth the read.
A few of my notes:
Fairness to children is like Trust to a teenager. A teenager needs to have trust with their parents, despite the fact that they constantly lie to their parents.
The better indicator of how a child will be when they grow up is how they act outside of the home, not at home.
Teenagers have this constant need to be close to their parents, but at the same time, they need to pull away because they feel like they are becoming adults.
When teenagers fight with their parents, they are not trying to actually win the fight, their goal is to continue the fight. The best thing, apparent conditioning, estate what they need to say a couple of times and then walk away. There is no winning in continuing to fight. That’s just doing what they want.
You must never, never ever, hit a teenager.
Often they will start a fight just to avoid doing the thing that you ask them to do. It gets them out of chores. Don’t let them do this. Keep reminding them what they have to do and then walk away.
If you set rules for kids, and they seem like they’re constantly disobeying them by a little bit, then they are actually successful. Because it shows the kid is listening and it’s rebelling, but only rebelling a little bit.
If you want your teenager to do something for you, you have to be OK with nagging. If you don’t nag it won’t get done.
If you want your teenager to do something and you ask them, you have to get them to do it right away. if they don’t do it right away then they won’t do it.
When siblings are fighting and then it escalates until they go to their parents, it ceases to matter what they were fighting about and turns into a contest to win over the parents’ agreement. Do not get involved. Force them to figure it out themselves, or you’ll only make it worse, and can cause issues between siblings by taking sides.
Even if one parent totally disagrees with how the other parent handles a situation, you should never contradict that other parent. If you’re going to step in, it can only be to back them up.
For teenagers who aren’t good at studying or finishing their homework, the only way to really help them is supervision. Set a time in the day, when they have to do study or homework, and make it the same time for the same amount of time every day, or every other day or whatever the rule is, Even if they don’t have homework. That time Has to be supervised by a parent. It also takes sometimes even a year or two for the habit to stick. But eventually, it will stick, and they will have learned how to study. If we just leave them to fail in hopes that the failure will teach them to change their habits, that doesn’t actually work with teenagers.
December 27, 2021
Pretty much my favorite parenting book. First, it's funny. Second, Dr. Wolf has grace and compassion for parents while giving the truth and the tools that we need. At the end of a long day, which almost always involves something intense with at least one of my kids, and I'm really exhausted, do I want to read a dry parenting book that berates me for all the things I should have done differently? Nope.
The section on a teen's inner conflict between the "baby self" and responsible, adult self (which we all have a little of) and the section on how and why NOT to argue with your kid have changed the way I parent. Yes, it drives them nuts, but my blood pressure is lower and that's what matters.
And to parents who still say, "Yes, but I can't let him get away with taking to me like that!" and continue to argue and let things escalate, it does not work! They know very well it's not ok to talk to you like that; that's why they're doing it. They know your values and your standards. As long as they can keep you arguing, they don't have to think about the decision they need to make. I still get sucked in often enough, but I'm working on it. Saying what I need to say once, nicely, and just not reacting after that is the best. It's actually fun.
The last thing I love is that Dr. Wolf has hope for our kids. Because most of the time, they change and grow up. Sometimes, I need the reminder.
The section on a teen's inner conflict between the "baby self" and responsible, adult self (which we all have a little of) and the section on how and why NOT to argue with your kid have changed the way I parent. Yes, it drives them nuts, but my blood pressure is lower and that's what matters.
And to parents who still say, "Yes, but I can't let him get away with taking to me like that!" and continue to argue and let things escalate, it does not work! They know very well it's not ok to talk to you like that; that's why they're doing it. They know your values and your standards. As long as they can keep you arguing, they don't have to think about the decision they need to make. I still get sucked in often enough, but I'm working on it. Saying what I need to say once, nicely, and just not reacting after that is the best. It's actually fun.
The last thing I love is that Dr. Wolf has hope for our kids. Because most of the time, they change and grow up. Sometimes, I need the reminder.
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