Things Nobody Knows But Me

by Amra Pajalić

When she is four years old Amra Pajalić realises that her mother is different. Fatima is loving but sometimes hears strange voices that tell her to do bizarre things. She is frequently sent to hospital and Amra and her brother are passed around to family friends and foster homes, and for a time live with their grandparents in Bosnia.

At sixteen Amra ends up in the school counsellor's office for wagging school. She finally learns the name for the malady that has dogged her mother and affected her own bipolar disorder. Amra becomes her mother's confidante and learns the extraordinary story of her when she was fifteen years old Fatima visited family friends only to find herself in an arranged marriage. At sixteen she was a migrant, a mother, and mental patient.

Surprisingly funny, Things Nobody Knows But Me is a tender portrait of family and migration, beautifully told. It captures a wonderful sense of bicultural place and life as it weaves between St Albans in suburban Australia and Bosanska Gradiška in Bosnia. Ultimately it is the heartrending story of a mother and daughter bond fractured and forged by illness and experience. Fatima emerges as a remarkable but wounded woman who learns that her daughter really loves her.

Genres: Memoir, Biography Memoir

250 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 1, 2019

Reviews

[A Mac · Rating 2 out of 5]

TW: Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Rape

Between the voices her mother hears and her erratic behaviors, Amra can tell that her mother is different. Her mother also has a difficult time finding a supportive man, and often brings obsessive or controlling men into their lives. They live in Australia, but spend time with their family in Bosnia, causing Amra to grow up in two very different settings. The two of them have a strained relationship, and this memoir is about their struggles to be a family together.

I dislike rating a memoir low because it is someone’s life story and is very personal to them. However, the way the story is conveyed in this book just wasn’t engaging. The way it’s written is dry and the author’s emotions never shone through the words.

It was difficult to tell if things were occurring chronologically or not as there is rarely a mention of the date. This made the work feel disjointed and detracted from its flow. I also disliked that this work was mostly just a laundry list of events. There were many sad and painful things that occurred throughout the work that were talked about then moved on from. There was no incorporation of how these events affected her, what she thought about them, or how they influenced other decisions or aspects of her life. This left me wanting much more and created a dry, emotionless, and unattached read.

Part of what makes memoirs so moving is learning about other people’s lives and getting a glimpse into them as people and emotional beings, and this book was lacking that. It was fine overall but left me wanting more. My thanks to NetGalley and Pishukin Press for allowing me to read this work, which will be published October 5th, 2023. All thoughts and opinions expressed in this review are my own.

[Tara Cignarella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Format Read: Audiobook from NetGalley (Releases 10/5/23)
Review: This was a good book for audio, the author read it and did a wonderful job. She dove into the good and hard parts of her life with a lot of emotion.
Recommended For: Those who want a truthful memoir that includes mental illness of a parent. Also covers trauma the author experienced.

[Lisa Ireland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amra Pajalic’s memoir is a compelling read. The author recalls her (at times extraordinarily difficult) journey to adulthood in two countries (Bosnia and Australia) with breathtaking honesty. The writing is infused with warmth and humour despite the sometimes grim reality of the subject matter. I found it hard to put this book down. Highly recommended.

[Cass Moriarty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Things Nobody Knows But Me (Transit Lounge 2019) is a memoir by author Amra Pajalic about her experience of growing up between Bosnia and Australia under the care of her mother, who suffered from a mental illness, and other members of her extended family. This is a raw and vulnerable account of an adolescent girl struggling to make sense of her family relationships and her cultural identity along with all the usual teenage anxieties and fears. The content of the story itself is important and illuminating, as Pajalic takes us into the minds of both herself and her mother through life-changing events and circumstances, and it is a brutally honest portrayal of her own flaws, insecurities and mistakes. She doesn’t hold back, and the result is a book that flays open the experience of living with somebody with a mental illness, and allows the reader to empathise with both Pajalic as a child, and also with her mother, who becomes more comprehensible as we uncover her own troubled history.
The author’s mother Fatima spends frequent bouts in hospital, hears voices and acts in strange and unsettling ways. Pajalic is only four when she realises her mother is different, and from then until she is 16, she and her brother have to cope with her mother’s illness and the effect on her relationships with men, friends and family members. For some years, the pair lives with their grandparents in Bosnia, which in one way is an escape from the difficulties with their mother, but in another way is just a different sort of problem, living a much reduced lifestyle with poverty and communism, civil war and disappearing countries always on the edge of their reality. But at 16, the school counsellor finally gives Pajalic a possible name for her mother’s condition – bipolar disorder – and that begins the author’s journey to understanding her mother’s story: her history of an arranged marriage at only 15; her relocation to the other side of the world a year later; and her background of hospitalisation for mental illness.
This is a moving story of the bond between mother and daughter, and a sometimes uncomfortable account of how that bond is tested, broken and repaired, over and over again. It is a frank account of family, and how your family can both endlessly disappoint but also show great loyalty. It is also a fascinating insight into a bicultural family, and how the ties of the old country can conflict with the pull of a new homeland.

[Calzean · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author relates her life till marriage. Her life is a series of contrasts. Her mother's bipolar makes her a part time and not reliable parent in times of illness. Her mother has a series of relationships with men who are generally misogynists; there is volatility in the home. The family lives in Australia but the mother moves them back to Bosnia for four years to escape a violent partner. In Bosnia they live with their grandparents - a traditional and religious Muslim couple. Freedom in Australia is replaced with control and protection of a young girl's honour.
I didn't really get into the head of the author, while her story was open and honest, there was a dryness to the writing. Nonetheless it made me glad of my much more boring upbringing.

[Lee Kofman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an unputdownable book! The story is powerful, and the narrative flows wonderfully, energetically, with great rhythm and flair. Pajalic manages to tell tough stuff without getting emotional about it, but with the wisdom of distance.

[Clare Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Powerful Memoir.

I selected this book because of my history of teaching at a St Albans primary school in the 70s. I was thoroughly engrossed in the juxtaposition of life in Australia and Bosnia, the customs and traditions of these countries, the past and present views of mental health and the realities of life for the immigrants at this period. The openness of the author dealing with the mental health illness of her mother was brave and revealing. This memoir faced so many issues and will leave me with much to think about. Many thanks for sharing your life with me.

[Demet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw, honest and so real, this is an intimate look at the complexities of the mother-daughter relationship and the love that binds them. I was plonked in Amra’s world and heart, and related to her search for connection, belonging and identity. I laughed and my heart ached for Amra and Fatima and I was with them until the end. An important read.

[Marj · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars
This is Amra's account of growing up between St Albans, Australia and Bosnia. Her mother Fatima suffers from bi-polar but is not diagnosed until Amra is in her teens.

I expected more from this book. The writing is okay but lacks depth and jumps around at times. I thought there would be more details regarding Fatima's health and her journey.

[Jay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This unflinchingly honest memoir explores cultural differences and the complexity of living with a mother whose mental illness has a profound effect on her family. Told almost dispassionately, some of Anna's experiences are disturbing. This is a book that should give readers an insight into the challenges of the migrant experience for this particular family.

[Rania T · Rating 4 out of 5]

An autobiographical insight into identity in the bicultural worlds of Brimbank and Bosnia, discoveries of the self and the ties that bind women across generations. Recommended.

[Mabel Violet · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely brilliantly written account of Amra's life growing up as the Muslim child of an immigrant mother with bipolar disorder. A gripping and heartwarming read right until the last page.

[Star Gater · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you Pishukin Press, Independent Book Publishers Association (IBPA), Members' Audiobooks for allowing me to read and review Things Nobody Knows But Me on NetGalley.

Stars: 3

Three stars (standard) as this is a memoir. I cannot rate the content.

The author narrates her book and does a good job. At no point did I wish a professional narrator was employed.

The book experience is similar to an old rollercoaster. emotions run the gamut. The synopsis is real and the author kept her telling light. She speaks of dark times (arranged marriage) but doesn't go into gruesome details -- she lives with mental illness, cultural differences, religious practices, and abuse all while trying to grow up.

I found the book sad and informative. This is a story of survival. Her legacy will be her strength.

This doesn't make you feel good. It makes you feel and think. I would recommend this to mature readers.

Published: 10/05/23

[Elise McCune · Rating 5 out of 5]

A story that will leave an ache in your heart about a mother-daughter relationship. I was drawn into the story of Amra and Fatima and how their bond is tested throughout their lives. It is a brave and honest memoir that shines a light on honesty and truth.

[Ellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very compelling! I've been reading a lot of biographies recently and this is another excellent read.

Pajalic's memoir is about her family and childhood in Bonsnia and Australia. I was hooked from the first chapter, and found her writing style candid and conversational. She doesn't shy away from confronting sensitive topics such as her mother's disabling mental health issues, and various kinds of misogyny including domestic violence and sexual harassment. I didn't know a lot about Bosnia prior to reading this book, and I am now going to do some further research. It's fascinating to see how past conflicts extend through the time and have such an effect on the present day.

I received the eAudiobook from Net Galley in exchange from an honest review.

[R.W.R. McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written with so much compassion, love and respect

[Vikki Petraitis · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read!

I couldn’t put this book down! Amra Pajalic tells us the story of her life, growing up not only with a foot in two countries, but in two cultures, Bosnian and Australian. Her struggles and the peril she faces leaves the reader feeling constantly concerned for child Amra. At the heart of her story is a spirit of rebellion as she copes with a mother with bipolar and finds a place where they can both finally experience peace.

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the strangest feeling that I know this author, although I’m sure I don’t. Perhaps it was simply that I recognised some of the western Melbourne setting and specific places from my own adolescence, and that I went to school with some kids from former Yugoslav nations.

Such a deftly written book. Gentle and loving even as it speaks of less-than-gentle or loving matters. I very much enjoyed it.

[Jane Burford · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very frank and honest account of growing up, and life in a different culture and managing mental illness. Some content was confronting but it was part of her story and that of her mother and grandmother. Enjoyable read for me.

[Katelijne Sommen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very compelling and hits home, hard.

[Peta · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is absolutely gorgeous and I couldn't put it down.

[Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for allowing me to listen to ARC of this memoir.

I enjoy listening to memoirs that are read by the author because it allows me to hear the emotion exactly as the writer intended it. So I was surprised that this book was flat at times. The narration didn't have the emotional inflections I would have hoped from the person who had lived it. Billed as this love story from daughter to mother - I truly did not get that from the story.

This story is initially very engaging. I was not familiar with the author and so chose it based on the synopsis. I don't think it is truly accurate in that this book was about way more than the mom's mental illness. There are also dark themes of abuse and victimization that run through the story.

Memoirs, I recognize, are often not linear. But I think this book had isuses with flow. Because the author rarely used dates or ages it was often very confusing to know where she was in her story since it did jump back and forth. I do wish she had chosen a more linear format so that we could follow - especially her mother's story. Details would pop up and I would find myself thinking "Wait, what?" For example, the discussion of her older sister which gets flung in late in the story and then never really gets explored. Or the mention of her mother's first husband without tying up what ocurred in the relationship. Other aspects felt as though they were thrown in purely for shock value and did not add to the intimate portrait that the author was attempting to create.

Much of the book is really a story about the author's mom and her lived experiences. I did find the cultural differences between Australia and Yugoslavia/Bosnia to be very interesting and I was grateful for the anchoring in time when the author discussed Bill Clinton and the Bosnian war to help explain some of the cultural norms of the time.

Overall this is a well written, interesting story that has some issues with flow and organization that hamper the reader's ability to follow and engage.

[Dezirah Remington]

Pajalic is a Bosnian raised in Australia in the 80s and 90s by a mother with Bipolar Disorder surrounded by a community that at times was supportive, and at times was abusive. Pajalic tells a brutal story of childhood disappointment, corporal punishment, abuse, and sexual assaults. This book is a trauma bomb.

I love memoir because I find truth to be more revealing and engaging than fiction in many cases and because in a memoir you know that no matter what is happening on the page the author survived to write the account. With that said, memoir is creative, the author chooses what to include and what to exclude and builds characters of the people the write about. The best memoirs find ways to engage in the beauty and love around them as well as the pain or trauma. This author chose to focus on the trauma, even the small moments of beauty that were chosen were smashed by some awful follow up event, often something related to sexual assault. The menace never lets up, and because of this the reader never really understands the love that kept the author in her community and attached to her family. Which is too bad. I am not advocating for sugar coating or excusing behavior by others, instead I want to see some moments of love and happiness that did not end in violence or punishment. Show us some good so we understand the love and duty.

[Vera Rodrigues · Rating 4 out of 5]

The cruelty of life is told through the innocent look of a child who fought against a system, a community, and a family that didn't understand her, but in the midst of so much pain and suffering Amra learned how to be happy in her own way. The impact that her mother's psychiatric illness had on her life was so powdered that the difference became her normality. I don't know how it was possible that I didn't shed a single tear when I came into contact with this story. But my eyes were, always wide open with shock. The shock with which pedophilia and sexual abuse are so acceptable in poor communities. I felt a very big culture shock when I learned Amra's story, and the fact of knowing that this really happened to Amra, shocked me even more. When I finished this story I just wanted to give Amra a hug. As for negative points, I don't have much to say, in general I liked it, the only thing I would like to say was that I didn't get hooked, it wasn't an addictive read. I finish by thanking Netgalley for the opportunity it gave me to make a sincere review of this work.

#thingsnobodyknowsbutme, #amrapajalic, #truestory, #trueevents

[Madison ✨ (mad.lyreading) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thank you to Pishukin Press and Netgalley for this audio ARC!

Thing Nobody Knows But Me is a memoir of Amra Pajalic, who was born in Australia to Bosnia immigrants. Her father dies very young, and she is raised by a mother who is struggling with Bipolar, with an emphasis on manic behavior. I was interested in this book from a mental health standpoint - Pajalic's mother begins her mental health struggles in the 80's when mental health was treated much differently than it was today. I did not realize that Pajalic's family would move back to Bosnia, and so from a mental health treatment standpoint, this gives a variety of experiences both in time and place.

The narration was very good - Pajalic's Australian accent is beautiful to listen to, as an American listener. I would highly recommend choosing the audio format if choosing which medium to read this book.

The overall flow of the book was odd. While it generally occurred chronologically, Pajalic rarely gave a year or age to help the reader understand when these stories were happening. While the book is called "Things Nobody Knows But Me," she is often writing about things that she would have no personal knowledge of, such as her mother or step father's experiences from before Pajalic was born. While I would place this as a memoir, it followed enough of her mother's experiences that it almost felt more of a dual memoir. Pajalic often wrote of how certain experiences made her mother feel - things she would not have known without her mother's input. I was sometimes a bit confused about who the main voice was supposed to be.

A quick content warning - this book has numerous instances of sexual abuse, particularly to children, randomly placed within. While I understand that these are experiences that factually occurred, Pajalic barely spoke of how these experiences affected her who whoever the violence occurred to, and I did not quite understand why she chose to include these experiences.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a love letter to her mother. So profound!
Amra walks you through her life’s journey as she deals with a mother struggling with a mental disability. The rawness of this journey compels you to experience her life through fear, innocence, strength, devotion and humor sharing with you intimate parts of her life with her mom, best friend and her attempt to understand her mother’s struggles.
Amra narrates her own story with a calm, soothing voice, great expression and at a pace that enables you to fall deeply into her life events.
Overall, this book allowed me to understand the difficulties of being raised in a relationship with her mom in need of help and guidance. A true picture of living with such a disability.
I greatly recommend this book to all types of readers. I could not walk away from this book. I look forward to more books by Amra Pajalic.
Thank you Amra and Pishukin Press for allowing me to read and review such an amazing book. My opinions are my own.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a love letter to her mother. So profound!
Amra walks you through her life’s journey as she deals with a mother struggling with a mental disability. The rawness of this journey compels you to experience her life through fear, innocence, strength, devotion and humor sharing with you intimate parts of her life with her mom, best friend and her attempt to understand her mother’s struggles.
Amra narrates her own story with a calm, soothing voice, great expression and at a pace that enables you to fall deeply into her life events.
Overall, this book allowed me to understand the difficulties of being raised in a relationship with her mom in need of help and guidance. A true picture of living with such a disability.
I greatly recommend this book to all types of readers. I could not walk away from this book. I look forward to more books by Amra Pajalic.
Thank you Amra and Pishukin Press for allowing me to read and review such an amazing book. My opinions are my own.

[Peter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This an audio book that jumps backwards and forwards from Bosnia to Australia and back as early as the 40s to near present day, but mostly 70s to 90s. Sometimes I was confused by the timeline and which generation was being talked about. But I was intrigued and appalled in equal measure as I listened as a story of mental health issues, parental neglect, genicide and conflict and abuse unfolded. A young girl’s journey from child into adult hood and her relationship in particular with her mother. It captured the different cultures she lived within, and the changes in society. Unfortunately world conflicts seem to continue some of the struggles she went through. Thank you to Pishukin Publisher and NetGalley for the audio ARC. The views expressed are all mine, freely given.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5⭐️ Rounded up.

Things Nobody Knows But Me is Amra Pajalic’s memoir of growing up with a mentally ill mother.

This was not an easy read, as the author details the many upheavals and traumas she experienced in her childhood. Prominently featured are incidents of sexual abuse and sexual assault, numerous incidents experienced by her or other children she knew. It’s an unimaginable upbringing to endure, but this book also felt like a lot to endure- bordering on a bit of trauma porn in its retelling.

Still, it does give one lots to think about- and to be grateful for.

* I received an audiobook ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked Amra’s writing and her ability to tell a story. There was a flow that made the book a very pleasant read. I enjoyed reading about her childhood In Bosnia before the Yugoslav war and insights into the lives of her mother, grandmother and great grandmother, all of whom had no real say in their own lives due to the traditional patriarchal society they grew up in.
The story though really is Amra’s, about how her culture, background, ethnicity and her mother’s illness affected her childhood.