Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour: A Novel

by John Blumenthal

A hysterical new novel from the author of What's Wrong with Dorfman?

Once a gangly teenager in oversized clothes, Plato G. Fussell is now handsome and independently wealthy. But inside he's still a bundle of neuroses and anxieties, with a tendency to engage in moronic word games in the presence of beautiful women.

In the midst of working on his definitive ten-volume biography of Millard Fillmore, Plato finds himself dodging his vile ex-wife, trying to please his demanding elderly mother by inquiring weekly about the state of her bowels, and attempting to remain verbally coherent while courting a young woman whom he meets after her errant Frisbee connects with his cranium.

As Plato blunders on in search of true love, romance, and an acceptable degree of worldwide cleanliness, he discovers that loving someone and knowing them needn't go hand-in-hand.

Genres: Humor, Fiction

320 pages, Paperback

First published September 17, 2004

About the author

Back in the day, I was an editorial staffer at Esquire, and later an editor, writer and columnist at Playboy magazine. Then came four years of screenwriting (2 movies made: "Short Time"-- Fox and "Blue Streak"--Sony) ), followed by my present line of work--novelist. I have plied that trade for about 15 years.

My sixth novel, THE STRANGE COURTSHIP OF ABIGAIL BIRD (Regal House) was published in October 2019. (It recently won the 2019 Next Generation Book Award for Fiction.)

I have written eight other books for publishers such as St. Martin's Press, Simon & Schuster and Ballantine Books. These include the novels, "The Case of the Hardboiled Dicks," "The Tinseltown Murders," the award-winning "What’s Wrong with Dorfman?" and "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour" as well as the recently-published "Three and a Half Virgins".

My articles have appeared in TV Guide, Punch, The National Lampoon, Los Angeles Times, Today's Health, Mens Life, American Woman, the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Chicago Sun Times, Oui, Salon.com, Huff Post, Publishers Weekly and numerous other publications.

I've also written for television and am the co-author of the movies "Blue Streak" (Sony Pictures) and "Short Time" (Fox).

I'm introverted and admittedly somewhat lazy by nature, so I decided to become an author at the age of 9 when I realized I could do it at home. An early influence was Mark Twain, who often wrote in bed in his pajamas,. Very civilized.

I was born in Middletown, NY, the son of a physician and a stay-at-home mom. I attended Tufts University where I majored in English, with a minor in Not-Being-Drafted-And-Sent-To-Vietnam.

My father was both a neurotic and a hypochondriac, which provided me with enough material for two novels. The mere concept of a hypochondriac physician is literary gold.

After college, I became a whale’s tooth polisher (true) for a scrimshaw carver on Nantucket Island. It was during this Melville-esque dental hygiene career that I wrote a humorous, self-deprecating letter to the editor of Esquire and was hired as a fact checker.

I live in Santa Monica, CA with my wife and an adorable but not very bright canine. I have two delightful adult daughters.

Why do I write? Partly because I have a compulsive need to express myself, partly because I don’t have to commute and partly because I’m not much good at anything else.
#TheStrangeCourtshipOfAbigailBird

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Reviews

[John Blumenthal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is pretty good but I’m the author, ergo totally biased and therefore not to be trusted.

[bob walenski · Rating 2 out of 5]

For some unexplained reason I seem to be on a roll with books about anxiety filled, neurotic characters. The difference though, between Rita Zoe Chin and Plato Fussell is that one is real and one is not. Rita deserves our empathy and love, and when you hear her story, you can easily respect her and admire her. Plato is meant to be funny, and like all jokes about handicaps and problems, falls flat and is simply just an annoying character. There are a few funny moments, but basically it's SO over the top that all humor is destroyed. It became STUPID, repetitious nonsense for me and almost ruined the book totally.
My first impression is that it was funny and an easy read, with No true value beyond enjoying some simple humor and the word games the author loves.
Spoonerisms can be funny, and I have used them myself at times, but a wicky stickit or getting my mords wixed up can only go so far. Using them repeatedly, every time you are nervous and socially ill at ease can get to be a bit much. Particularly when it happens to the main character only when he's talking to attractive women, which seems to be his intention and hobby.
I don't know why I'm reading this actually....what attracted me to this book is an ongoing joke I have about good old Millard Filmore, member of the "KNOW NOTHING" party, and arguably one of our dullest Proxies.
I guess it's just for fun, and when it's no longer fun, i'll stop!
ps John Blumenthal is no Dave Barry as a humor writer.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This isn't your casual love story. This is a story about a slightly eccentric Plato G. Fussell, rich, handsome, and a bit obsessive-compulsive. I loved the storyline as it was rich in great detail and Blumenthal's use of puns kept me smiling throughout the entire novel. Moreover, Plato becomes such a lovable character that you don't realize how crazy he really is! I enjoyed this book because it is lighthearted, and carries a somewhat whimsical tone. It is a story that will warm your heart as it has warmed mine.

[Patti · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of my favorite books. I've read it several times, but I read it again last week just for the pure joy of language. Blumenthal has a wonderful vocabulary, and Plato Fussell has a fun and unique voice. This book will make you feel completely sane.

[Richard G · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a big hoot for those connected to their neurotic selves. Laughs reside all the way through.

[Christopher Jed · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite books. I simply enjoyed it, the character's neuroses and all that, how his mind works, the wordplay, even the casual love story. To all you neurotics out there, this one's for you.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cute quick read.

[Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of Plato Fussell, a man with many, shall we say, idiosincracies. This is a man who believes writing the definitive ten-volume biography of Millard Fillmore is a good life goal. He is more than a tad OCD, neurotic, and has given up on love when he meets the girl of his dreams, a similarly strange and touched girl named Emily Thorndyke who by sad coincidence is the wife of his psychiatrist. Hilarity ensues. This book is not so much about Plato's neuroses as it is about how the people around him who he knows best (including the long-dead Fillmore) have layers upon layers which he did not even speculate about. As the book progresses, Plato gets more and more "normal" (and I might say less and less interesting) as his life becomes ever more bizarre. This bookk is very funny although the ending is a bit sappy. Its message is poignant, if a bit shallow, and it yields a great deal of entertainment. Read it or not. But just remember, Millard Fillmore was not gay.

[Annie Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

John Blumenthal is a delight. In May I read Mr Blumenthal’s blog on ‘Avocado Toast’ and fell in love with his humor, wit, and mastery of the written word.
I ordered his book, ‘Millard Fillmore Mon Amour’ and continued to enjoy the author’s writing style and laugh out loud wit. His wacky characters and storyline are well defined, absurd, funny, and believable.
Give yourself a treat this summer and pick up one of John’s books.
Enjoy the Moments
Annie Quinn

[C.E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyable if slight comic romp about the obsessive/compulsive Plato Fussell and his quest for true love with his psychiatrist’s estranged wife. Not a great book by any stretch of the imagination, but a pleasant enough read with a memorable narrator out of the Ignatius J. Reilly school of neuroses..

[Heidi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had heard this was a funny book, but, I don't know, it kind of seemed like the author was trying too hard with the puns and the neuroses and the absurd plot twists. Almost didn't bother to finish it, because I didn't really feel involved in the book. It was mildly entertaining, and at least it was a quick read.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

A completely odd yet compelling book about OCDish tendencies.

[Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hysterical.

[Susie · Rating 5 out of 5]

second time I read it...better than the first:)

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very humorous! The cover does not adequately prepare the reader for how funny this love story is as it shows the the couple in masks and it prominently features Millard Fillmore. Both of these topics seem to be quite serious, as now everybody is now wearing masks and I got this book because I like Millard Fillmore too. It turns out that the hero and his beloved are quite mad. He is frightfully scared of getting diseases and is afraid of women and does not believe in love. He is writing ten volume set on the life of Millard Fillmore. He has finished the early, early years, and is now work on the early years.

The twists and turns of this book are very interesting! It passes the test of being unpredictable and having a satisfactory ending when you don't believe that a satisfactory moral ending is possible.

I read this book aloud to my wife before bed and we enjoyed it very much.

[Clint · Rating 5 out of 5]

Neurotic Plato Fussell is relatively young, handsome and rich but doesn't believe in love. And yet, there was this marriage once, and suddenly there's this similarly neurotic woman and ... maybe. But there's his parents, especially his bowel movement-concerned mother, and his weekly analysis, and maybe it's all too much trouble. But things can change, often more than once. Will Plato find love? Will his mother leave her house? And, in fact, was Millard Fillmore gay. A delightful read.

[Patressa Kearns · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun and funny! The title alone makes me laugh!

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book - quirky, funny, well-written, unique. What's not to like?