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The Boyfriend
Erica is 17 and in her last year of high school. Donny is 42 and everywhere – in her yoga class, at German Club, in her parents’ spare room . . .
The story of a young woman who finds herself subject to the gravitational field of a charismatic man, The Boyfriend is a cautionary tale about blindly accepting traditional ‘love’ narratives.
The story of a young woman who finds herself subject to the gravitational field of a charismatic man, The Boyfriend is a cautionary tale about blindly accepting traditional ‘love’ narratives.
Paperback
Published August 1, 2019
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About the author
Laura Southgate
1 bookLaura Southgate was born in Wellington in 1978. She holds an MA in English from the University of Auckland and in 2018 gained an MA in Creative Writing from the International Institute of Modern Letters at Victoria University of Wellington. She won the Adam Foundation Prize for The Boyfriend, which is her first book.
Source: Victoria University Press website
Source: Victoria University Press website
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
July 1, 2020
I am at once confused and very disturbed by this book. I actually am at a loss of how to describe this book or what to even say about it. It almost reminded me of ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney - just not as well executed and frankly much more problematic.
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This two main characters in the book - I really don’t even want to call them love interests - are a 17 year old girl (Erica) and a creepy forty something year old man (Donny). He basically stalks her and pursues her until they end up in this very dysfunctional relationship.
I think what bothers me about this book is that the description at the back refers to it as “a cautionary tale about blindingly accepting traditional ‘love’ narratives”. It then goes on to say that it is a “clear eyed and often hilarious examination of sexual desire, trauma and growth”. Maybe its just me, but I don’t see what is so hilarious about a forty something year old man getting into a co-dependant mess of a ‘relationship’ with someone who is seventeen. I also don’t see what is so ‘clear-eyed’ about scenes that describe how Erica feels no sexual desire toward Donny, but sleeps with him anyway because that’s what is expected of her.
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I found this book extremely uncomfortable to read, and not in a good way. I would seriously like to know who read this and thought that the description at the back of the book matched the content.
October 30, 2019
Read it, reminicise and be thankful you are now so much older and wiser than you were when your life resembled, in many ways, Erica's.
February 19, 2022
i was really scared by donny & how everyone in erica's life just accepted that this was happening to her. erica's pathological passivity frustrated me & made me scared again for i can relate to it.
March 25, 2020
Read through netgalley, so my thanks to the author and publisher for the opportunity.
My feelings are mixed on this novel. It wasn't my usual style and the characters were largely unlikeable, but I think that was the point. They're realistic, and for that I applaud.
Erica and Donny become a couple but Erica didn't really set out to be Donny's girlfriend. He kind of shows up one day and doesn't leave. They don't really do much to endear themselves to the reader, especially at first, but Donny is the worst of the two. In the beginning they are a bit of a dysfunctional couple, but a couple nonetheless. However things start to fall apart and Erica has a hard time walking away from him.
The style is very modern and matter of fact. There's little to describe where the story is set, or any surroundings but the book is about the characters so that doesn't matter after too long. The weird thing is for me the book's strength was also its weakness.
The characters feel real, and are therefore flawed. In this case, extremely flawed. They drink, they smoke, they couch surf and it's easy to forget that Donny is actually in his 40s. The downside to that is it makes it hard to care about them much. It's almost like a car crash novel; it's hard to look away even as you want to.
This book will not be for everyone, and I can't say I loved it, but I didn't hate it either so won't condemn it. It's the kind of book that is actually quite difficult to review because it's in that middle ground. I think it's one that everyone will have to give a go and decide for themselves if it's to their taste.
My feelings are mixed on this novel. It wasn't my usual style and the characters were largely unlikeable, but I think that was the point. They're realistic, and for that I applaud.
Erica and Donny become a couple but Erica didn't really set out to be Donny's girlfriend. He kind of shows up one day and doesn't leave. They don't really do much to endear themselves to the reader, especially at first, but Donny is the worst of the two. In the beginning they are a bit of a dysfunctional couple, but a couple nonetheless. However things start to fall apart and Erica has a hard time walking away from him.
The style is very modern and matter of fact. There's little to describe where the story is set, or any surroundings but the book is about the characters so that doesn't matter after too long. The weird thing is for me the book's strength was also its weakness.
The characters feel real, and are therefore flawed. In this case, extremely flawed. They drink, they smoke, they couch surf and it's easy to forget that Donny is actually in his 40s. The downside to that is it makes it hard to care about them much. It's almost like a car crash novel; it's hard to look away even as you want to.
This book will not be for everyone, and I can't say I loved it, but I didn't hate it either so won't condemn it. It's the kind of book that is actually quite difficult to review because it's in that middle ground. I think it's one that everyone will have to give a go and decide for themselves if it's to their taste.
June 9, 2021
This was one of those novels where I just could not stand the main characters. Erica started out as a 17 year old who came across as rather naïve but by the end of the novel despite her turning 21 she had really not matured at all and I found that frustrating. As for Donny (the so called boyfriend), well where to begin on what I thought of that creepy older pervert? This character was just horrid from start to finish.
My other issues with the novel was the writing style, there was something about it that I found I just could not enjoy. Perhaps it was the short chapters that rapidly moved from one situation to the next without going into any great detail at all so it felt like things were left unfinished. To me it would have been better presented this way if it were written in the style of a diary. Perhaps it was because I spent half of the novel thinking that it was set in a different country, or perhaps it was that there were just too many characters that kept appearing all over the plot but not really contributing anything much at all to it.
I found it in the Young Adult section of a local library, however I wonder if it should have been in there. I am glad that I did not read it as a teenager and I would not recommend it to any teenage readers. It seemed to me like it was written as a YA but for an adult audience.
My other issues with the novel was the writing style, there was something about it that I found I just could not enjoy. Perhaps it was the short chapters that rapidly moved from one situation to the next without going into any great detail at all so it felt like things were left unfinished. To me it would have been better presented this way if it were written in the style of a diary. Perhaps it was because I spent half of the novel thinking that it was set in a different country, or perhaps it was that there were just too many characters that kept appearing all over the plot but not really contributing anything much at all to it.
I found it in the Young Adult section of a local library, however I wonder if it should have been in there. I am glad that I did not read it as a teenager and I would not recommend it to any teenage readers. It seemed to me like it was written as a YA but for an adult audience.
May 9, 2022
the book is so confusing, you don’t know what happening at any time. the book explores the idea of the standards of relationships but in this case, it’s explored with a 25 year age gap which makes no sense at all. the main character came off as self-sabotaging, she could have had her “happy ending” but she chose to keep ruining her life tbh.
November 11, 2020
I read the back of the book and thought this would be something for me. A 17 year old girl falling for a 42 year old man. I thought it would be a tale of falling for someone thinking he was something else, and getting stuck in a bad relationship because you love him, and he convinces you everything is your fault etc. You know, the classic narrative for this kind of relationship. It definetly was not.
Donny, the old man, is repulsive. He is supposed to be charismatic... no, he just uses fancy words mixed with "man". He is not charismatic. He is repulsive. And Erica, the young girl, never likes him. He just says she does, and they are together. And everyone is fine with it. It makes no sense. The whole book makes no sense to me. The things that happens, the dialouges, the personalities...
It surprises me that its gotten such good reviews. Maybe people thought it was different, edgy. artistic... Sorry, I just did not see it.
Donny, the old man, is repulsive. He is supposed to be charismatic... no, he just uses fancy words mixed with "man". He is not charismatic. He is repulsive. And Erica, the young girl, never likes him. He just says she does, and they are together. And everyone is fine with it. It makes no sense. The whole book makes no sense to me. The things that happens, the dialouges, the personalities...
It surprises me that its gotten such good reviews. Maybe people thought it was different, edgy. artistic... Sorry, I just did not see it.
June 29, 2023
I’m going to have to disagree with a majority of the other reviews for this book.
I can understand how people found the blurb misleading, which spoke of a ‘charismatic man’ & ‘traditional love narratives’ which actually wasn’t what this book was about at all. This is a book about abuse: & not the kind where the narcissist can hide in plain sight by putting on a charming front, where the love is toxic but overpowering. This is about a straight up actual crazy man inserting himself into a young woman’s life after relentlessly stalking her, & taking advantage of her confusion & passivity to gaslight her into a ‘relationship’ which she barely even perceives as such but doesn’t know how to escape. Rape is implied multiple times, & he grooms & abuses her & follows her across the country, all while friends & family are too uncomfortable to intervene (that passivity being the secondary ‘villain’ of this story).
People rated this poorly due to Donny being so horrible & Erica being so passive, but… is that not the point? Is Erica’s foolish behaviour not what *happens* to these victims? Personally I found the story harrowing & uncomfortable but intentionally so, & morbidly compelling. I also thought Donny was really well-conceptualised as a character: I recognised him. I know that man. & I think the dissociation Erica experiences as a result of her horrific manipulation was really effectively portrayed.
I also thought the writing was really nice & easy to read with some interesting images ~ my primary complaint would be the lack of setting. This is set in my own country but I didn’t recognise it till we’re ‘told’ so. There isn’t much ‘showing’ to make Aotearoa recognisable besides the place names, & it made it feel as if the story was happening inside a sort of void. The side characters also didn’t feel effectively described or distinct from each other, except perhaps Kyle who had some interesting dialogue, but the rest of them were just kind of… there. & the parents??? They’re obviously hella passive which perhaps explains Erica’s character, but this should have been explored much more. You could’ve also navigated their lack of interference by making them estranged or cruel towards Erica, although I think the passivity is an interesting angle: but because it wasn’t actually explored or explained, it’s really hard for the audience to suspend disbelief & accept their completely bizarre behaviour in the context of the story.
So much about Erica I recognised: her dependence on substances, her conditioning into the belief that every man wants to take advantage of her sexually, her destructive loneliness. She’s a tragic, pathetic, pitiful figure. & maybe I wish there was more development & hope for her by the end, but realistically that kind of abuse is so difficult to heal from & escape, so it did feel realistic. Thus, I suppose I found the book well-written & intriguing, but it just didn’t quite explore the themes to an extent that would’ve been most profoundly effective.
I can understand how people found the blurb misleading, which spoke of a ‘charismatic man’ & ‘traditional love narratives’ which actually wasn’t what this book was about at all. This is a book about abuse: & not the kind where the narcissist can hide in plain sight by putting on a charming front, where the love is toxic but overpowering. This is about a straight up actual crazy man inserting himself into a young woman’s life after relentlessly stalking her, & taking advantage of her confusion & passivity to gaslight her into a ‘relationship’ which she barely even perceives as such but doesn’t know how to escape. Rape is implied multiple times, & he grooms & abuses her & follows her across the country, all while friends & family are too uncomfortable to intervene (that passivity being the secondary ‘villain’ of this story).
People rated this poorly due to Donny being so horrible & Erica being so passive, but… is that not the point? Is Erica’s foolish behaviour not what *happens* to these victims? Personally I found the story harrowing & uncomfortable but intentionally so, & morbidly compelling. I also thought Donny was really well-conceptualised as a character: I recognised him. I know that man. & I think the dissociation Erica experiences as a result of her horrific manipulation was really effectively portrayed.
I also thought the writing was really nice & easy to read with some interesting images ~ my primary complaint would be the lack of setting. This is set in my own country but I didn’t recognise it till we’re ‘told’ so. There isn’t much ‘showing’ to make Aotearoa recognisable besides the place names, & it made it feel as if the story was happening inside a sort of void. The side characters also didn’t feel effectively described or distinct from each other, except perhaps Kyle who had some interesting dialogue, but the rest of them were just kind of… there. & the parents??? They’re obviously hella passive which perhaps explains Erica’s character, but this should have been explored much more. You could’ve also navigated their lack of interference by making them estranged or cruel towards Erica, although I think the passivity is an interesting angle: but because it wasn’t actually explored or explained, it’s really hard for the audience to suspend disbelief & accept their completely bizarre behaviour in the context of the story.
So much about Erica I recognised: her dependence on substances, her conditioning into the belief that every man wants to take advantage of her sexually, her destructive loneliness. She’s a tragic, pathetic, pitiful figure. & maybe I wish there was more development & hope for her by the end, but realistically that kind of abuse is so difficult to heal from & escape, so it did feel realistic. Thus, I suppose I found the book well-written & intriguing, but it just didn’t quite explore the themes to an extent that would’ve been most profoundly effective.
May 2, 2020
I chose to read this book based on the description, and was lured in almost at once. Although, I was unsure for most of it whether I should be feeling awkward-amused or awkward-uncomfortable.
The writing and pace have a similarity to Irvine Welsh which I'm unable to put my finger on. This book is set in New Zealand, but has an air of Scotland about it somehow. Maybe it's the desperation one can feel in the words and atmosphere.
I enjoyed this book, but felt at first that I didn't know or understand the characters well enough to put them into the context of the narrative. About halfway through, there's a subtle shift in the writing that makes it more real than the first half of the book. This could also be the fact that I know nothing of New Zealand and many cultural references may have been missed on my part.
The writing and pace have a similarity to Irvine Welsh which I'm unable to put my finger on. This book is set in New Zealand, but has an air of Scotland about it somehow. Maybe it's the desperation one can feel in the words and atmosphere.
I enjoyed this book, but felt at first that I didn't know or understand the characters well enough to put them into the context of the narrative. About halfway through, there's a subtle shift in the writing that makes it more real than the first half of the book. This could also be the fact that I know nothing of New Zealand and many cultural references may have been missed on my part.
September 14, 2020
I am not sure how I go about explaining this novel. Nor am I sure if I understood it at all. Seventeen year old Erica seems to morph into an ‘un-relationship’ with Donny, a forty-something year old couch-surfing deadbeat of a man. He is uncomfortable to read about, and is dysfunctional. And yet Erica ends up with him in an odd sort-of way. There is no light heartedness or whimsy in this book. Erica didn't plan to have Donny as a boyfriend. And I am not sure if I would call Donny that either. For a grown man to take advantage of a young girl in order to acquire a roof over his head is terrible. He is not a grown up by any means, nor is he charismatic. And he is weird: a bludger, unkind. Donny takes advantage of Erica’s naïve teenage passive behaviour. And does yoga with shoes on. I mean really?
In Donny’s hands we sense that something has happened to Erica at the start of their connection. What it is we do not see but we witness the aftermath: blackouts, passing out and lots of alcohol. Possibly, this novel was written in this way to exemplify toxic relationships. And there are elements of this. What astounded me was to portray a young girl who was so passive and accepting of such a doomed relationship and person in her life.Scratching my head at the influence of her parents (Alison and Gary) – was everyone hiding under a rock? No-one had a moral compass because no-one seemed to know what one was. So much drinking and vomiting, so many drunken parties. University student life? Perhaps. And Erica didn't really have enough or any close friends to identify with, let alone to slap some sense into her.
It is darkly uncomfortable, it’s like watching a vase full of water and stems being pushed off a bench, in slow motion, as it hits the floor. The ripples seem to keep moving for a long time, too long for Erica to escape them. It is a book that will be open to interpretation.
In Donny’s hands we sense that something has happened to Erica at the start of their connection. What it is we do not see but we witness the aftermath: blackouts, passing out and lots of alcohol. Possibly, this novel was written in this way to exemplify toxic relationships. And there are elements of this. What astounded me was to portray a young girl who was so passive and accepting of such a doomed relationship and person in her life.Scratching my head at the influence of her parents (Alison and Gary) – was everyone hiding under a rock? No-one had a moral compass because no-one seemed to know what one was. So much drinking and vomiting, so many drunken parties. University student life? Perhaps. And Erica didn't really have enough or any close friends to identify with, let alone to slap some sense into her.
It is darkly uncomfortable, it’s like watching a vase full of water and stems being pushed off a bench, in slow motion, as it hits the floor. The ripples seem to keep moving for a long time, too long for Erica to escape them. It is a book that will be open to interpretation.
August 11, 2020
I jumped on this book thinking it was a mix between Lolita and My Dark Vanessa. It was none of those and yes, it really was a bummer. There was so much potential but it never went there and it's a pity.
Older man "falls" for a young girl and start showing up wherever she is - creepy, yes - and from there is just a mistake after another. I never hated two characters more. First of all, Erica - our female MC - is just a selfish, dumb ass. She doesn't want this man who is clearly into her - and she KNOWS - but what does she do? She sits on his lap, she spends time with him, sleeps in his bed like, dude, set some boundaries! When they go live together - and not as a couple - he starts acting weird and she lets him do everything he wants. She is so passive and as a woman, that really, really made me furious. He beats her and she still stays. He calls her names and she forgives him. She even tries to come up with excuses to defend his behaviour. Nope. It was just one bad character after another, nobody does the right thing, nobody grows up and I think I've never cussed so much at a book before.
Older man "falls" for a young girl and start showing up wherever she is - creepy, yes - and from there is just a mistake after another. I never hated two characters more. First of all, Erica - our female MC - is just a selfish, dumb ass. She doesn't want this man who is clearly into her - and she KNOWS - but what does she do? She sits on his lap, she spends time with him, sleeps in his bed like, dude, set some boundaries! When they go live together - and not as a couple - he starts acting weird and she lets him do everything he wants. She is so passive and as a woman, that really, really made me furious. He beats her and she still stays. He calls her names and she forgives him. She even tries to come up with excuses to defend his behaviour. Nope. It was just one bad character after another, nobody does the right thing, nobody grows up and I think I've never cussed so much at a book before.
July 21, 2020
It's difficult as I thought The Boyfriend was well written, but I found the character of Donny too unsettling and problematic to give this book a higher rating.
I get that the book is intended to showcase the ways some men can be toxic or the ways we are (especially as women) expected to always have a boyfriend and follow the typical 'love narrative', but it got to a point where reading scenes with Donny in it was making me feel ill.
Nevertheless, Laura Southgate is still a tremendous writer.
I get that the book is intended to showcase the ways some men can be toxic or the ways we are (especially as women) expected to always have a boyfriend and follow the typical 'love narrative', but it got to a point where reading scenes with Donny in it was making me feel ill.
Nevertheless, Laura Southgate is still a tremendous writer.
June 11, 2020
Wasn't sure how to rate this. It was well written and handled a tricky topic really, really well. It just lacked legs. Too slow and not enough oomph. It did improve towards the end and did leave me with a kind of sad and sick feeling. I can imagine this scenario gets played out over and over again. Top marks for subject, less for grab me and not let me go.
December 13, 2021
There were so many problems with this book. I don’t see the growth of Erica’s character at all. As I despised Donny characters. I guessed the plotline was moderate but it didn’t feel alive with the characters. I’m sorry but it’s just not my cup of tea
May 15, 2022
This was an easy read, although I felt the ending was rather abstract and didn't provide closure /close the loop enough for me. Found myself getting frustrated with the main character as her behavior was very repetitive, so the story kept going around in circles
June 9, 2022
I wouldn't say I enjoyed this book, but it's well-written and I'm glad to have read it. Almost think it should be required reading for teenage girls: it's a chilling cautionary tale about what might happen if you don't take responsibility for your own life and instead allow other people (particularly older men) to pull you into their orbit.
January 6, 2020
Never heard of this book or author. Picked it up at a local bookshop in NZ. Glad I did. A quality read.
April 7, 2020
Got bored after a few chapters and put it away unfinished. May go back and try again if I run out of books during the Covid 19 lockdown!
May 20, 2023
the backcover summary fooled me into thinking it was a drama, but it's really a coming of age novel where the titular boyfriend is incidental. Some nice prose at times but too slice of life for me.
Read
July 27, 2023DNF
It had a very depressing atmosphere.
It had a very depressing atmosphere.
September 25, 2025
MY FAV i love love love love love
December 31, 2024
I am in shock on how this could have won an award. Poor plot, mediocre style and descriptions, one dimensional characters
April 12, 2020
There were times in this book that I just wanted to tell Erica (the leading character) to pull herself together & move on ... but she is very believable & the book has a strong narrative. Very well written & well paced
February 17, 2022
This was a good reminder of all the terrible decisions one makes when one is in their late teens and early twenties. Great NZ read.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews