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I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck: An Everyman’s Guide to a Meaningful Life
The Angry Therapist who has helped thousands of men find more happiness in their relationships and more purpose in their lives now shares his insights with everyone in this powerful guide—self-help in a shotglass—covering essential topics, from vulnerability and posturing to workouts and women.
Deep in post-divorce soul searching, John Kim came to an astonishing realization: he was a miserable f*ck who might just be to blame for the problems in his life. Armed with this new insight, he began The Angry Therapist blog—an admission that, while he was a licensed therapist and life coach, he was no better than the people who sought his advice. In his first post, “My Fucking Feelings,” he wrote about the struggles and shortcomings that had led him to this point. As his work caught on, catapulting him into the role of unlikely and unconventional guide for thousands of people all over the world, Kim evolved from behaving like a boy to living like a man—and showed his clients how to do so as well.
In I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck, Kim delivers the dos and don’ts for stepping up and into manhood, which he defines by transparency and strength of character, not six-pack abs or a corner office. With his signature no-nonsense approach that will make you laugh and think, Kim takes you on a rugged, rough and tumble road trip of self-exploration and discovery, sharing his wisdom and insights, such as why:
Being nice is for boys, and being kind is for men
Scheduling man dates could make you a better friend, lover, and human being
Peeing in the shower is a sign of a larger problem
Arguing, judging, and answering, “I dunno” are keeping you from a healthy relationship, a great career, and a happy life
We are not born men. We are born boys. The transition from misery to meaning is an internal process that requires work: reflection, pain, courage, and sometimes, a rebirth. Kim knows because he’s been there. The truth is, men weren’t meant to just pay bills and die. With this book as your guide, you will love hard, walk tall, and find a life filled with purpose and passion.
Deep in post-divorce soul searching, John Kim came to an astonishing realization: he was a miserable f*ck who might just be to blame for the problems in his life. Armed with this new insight, he began The Angry Therapist blog—an admission that, while he was a licensed therapist and life coach, he was no better than the people who sought his advice. In his first post, “My Fucking Feelings,” he wrote about the struggles and shortcomings that had led him to this point. As his work caught on, catapulting him into the role of unlikely and unconventional guide for thousands of people all over the world, Kim evolved from behaving like a boy to living like a man—and showed his clients how to do so as well.
In I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck, Kim delivers the dos and don’ts for stepping up and into manhood, which he defines by transparency and strength of character, not six-pack abs or a corner office. With his signature no-nonsense approach that will make you laugh and think, Kim takes you on a rugged, rough and tumble road trip of self-exploration and discovery, sharing his wisdom and insights, such as why:
Being nice is for boys, and being kind is for men
Scheduling man dates could make you a better friend, lover, and human being
Peeing in the shower is a sign of a larger problem
Arguing, judging, and answering, “I dunno” are keeping you from a healthy relationship, a great career, and a happy life
We are not born men. We are born boys. The transition from misery to meaning is an internal process that requires work: reflection, pain, courage, and sometimes, a rebirth. Kim knows because he’s been there. The truth is, men weren’t meant to just pay bills and die. With this book as your guide, you will love hard, walk tall, and find a life filled with purpose and passion.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 29, 2019
403 people are currently reading
2849 people want to read
About the author
John Kim
115 books223 followersJohn Kim LMFT (The Angry Therapist) pioneered the online life coaching movement seven years ago, after going through a divorce which led to his total re-birth. He quickly built a devoted following of fans who loved the frank and authentic insights that he freely shared on social media. He pulled the curtain back and showed himself by practicing transparency and sharing his story something therapists are taught not to do. Kim became known as an unconventional therapist who worked out of the box by seeing clients at coffee shops, on hikes, in a CrossFit box. He built a coaching team of his own and launched a sister company called JRNI, creating a new way to help people help people and change the way we change. He lives in Los Angeles.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 152 reviews
March 12, 2019
Oy this guy
The good: He's a therapist that appears to be truly on his own journey and working on himself.
There are a couple decent points in the book.
The bad: He's an LA living, ducati riding (love ducatis but it was douchey the way he kept talking about riding) crossfit-doing bro.
The book is about what "a man" is. I hate this. So if I don't do these things I'm not a man? There's no such thing as what a "man" is. We're all different.
And really all of the chapters could easily have been cobbled together by reading a couple stacks of maxim, gq, men's health. Nothing original in the book at all. Really he edited a bunch of freely available content.
Wasted my time.
The good: He's a therapist that appears to be truly on his own journey and working on himself.
There are a couple decent points in the book.
The bad: He's an LA living, ducati riding (love ducatis but it was douchey the way he kept talking about riding) crossfit-doing bro.
The book is about what "a man" is. I hate this. So if I don't do these things I'm not a man? There's no such thing as what a "man" is. We're all different.
And really all of the chapters could easily have been cobbled together by reading a couple stacks of maxim, gq, men's health. Nothing original in the book at all. Really he edited a bunch of freely available content.
Wasted my time.
March 1, 2019
Another flop by the author. He has good intentions but goes against his own prior advice as the whole book is now of “man the fuck up” variety. The writing is authentic but uninspiring. The advice is very basic.
February 15, 2019
This book is definitely written for a male audience (the author frequently makes references to what it means to be a man, expectations that society places on males, etc.) given that, I really hope to not see any whiny comments from women about the intended audience for this book because overall it is a really good book with lots of an awesome ideas - even if you’re not a man. For me I found a lot of “12 step” program parallels which isn’t surprising given the author has a background in treating addiction and at-risk teens. Anyone familiar with Brenè Brown and/or 12 step programs will find lots of parallels to the messages throughout the novel, without the author truly ever coming out and saying it ... I think it makes people unfamiliar with the concepts accept the message a little easier than they would otherwise. Overall I enjoyed the book, I enjoyed the stories, I enjoyed the message, and the lessons.
June 10, 2020
Was asked to read this, was an interesting perspective to see into what many men struggle with. This book is written for men in mind, specifically, kind of typically masculine hetero-normative men. However if all the bros in the world read this, I think we’d have a better society. Super straight forward, fast read, and right. I can imagine a lot of straight women wishing their partners would read this. I think it could benefit teenage boys or young men to read. If you know a creepy, angry, insecure, lonely or miserable man maybe recommend this book?
July 22, 2019
Meh.
A hodge podge of "bro-y" advice for "men" from a douchy therapist "who discovered men needed advice" from his own divorce, failures, and misgivings.
Still his heart is in the right place in wanting to improve, and while his advice is just a copy paste selection from the likes of Maxim, GQ and Jordan Peterson the book might serve someone looking as a gateway to actual improvement etc.
Full of gender stereotype and simplifications. Nothing original.
For the bro looking to improve - a random episode of Joe Rogan will provide more insight, originality, advice and a dose of MMA/Crossfit.
A hodge podge of "bro-y" advice for "men" from a douchy therapist "who discovered men needed advice" from his own divorce, failures, and misgivings.
Still his heart is in the right place in wanting to improve, and while his advice is just a copy paste selection from the likes of Maxim, GQ and Jordan Peterson the book might serve someone looking as a gateway to actual improvement etc.
Full of gender stereotype and simplifications. Nothing original.
For the bro looking to improve - a random episode of Joe Rogan will provide more insight, originality, advice and a dose of MMA/Crossfit.
February 6, 2019
I'm not good at writing reviews, but I can heartily recommend this book. Let's be honest, most self-help books say basically the same things. What makes one click for a person is how those things are said. This book said things in a way that clicked with me and really got me thinking about who I am and what matters to me. Maybe it will do the same for you.
November 23, 2019
Good points. Delivered in a quick and digestible format. A bit of flexing here and there but it sends a decent message. Audiobook narrated by the author.
April 25, 2021
the only man i would trust to be my therapist lol
June 12, 2019
Jon Kim The Angry therapist, announces how he used to be a miserable f*ck, but now through the wonders of his own self developed spiritual journey has become,... well a sanctimonious and irritating one. The book is full of self aggrandizing anecdotes, cliches and pointless aphorisms. It is full of predictable generalizations and stereotypes which makes for a painful read. I personally could not finish the book. Hear are a few of his best and most patronizing quotes.
"I'm not here to lecture you. I'm coming with you not at you"
"In order to build self awareness you must be metacognitive"
"You are a conduit and something greater than you is working through you to project your unique gifts on the world"
Still, he has a reasonable number of followers. If those snippets appeal to you, get the book. I personally prefer a strong enema.
"I'm not here to lecture you. I'm coming with you not at you"
"In order to build self awareness you must be metacognitive"
"You are a conduit and something greater than you is working through you to project your unique gifts on the world"
Still, he has a reasonable number of followers. If those snippets appeal to you, get the book. I personally prefer a strong enema.
April 24, 2019
Though I’m not the target audience i wanted to read for the sake of i raised two men in my own.
Some great points, simple to read, made me see and understand what he means by a “fatherless nation,” and what some men lack.
Is Doing these things listed in the book make you more of a man, probably not. But i will say, probably make you less of an asshole 🤷🏽♀️ some of stuff given, some stuff you’d think is a given and yet I’ve dated men who have missed the mark.
From a female perspective it’s interesting, especially raising boys on my own. It’s a good read. Basic, simple, to the point.
Some great points, simple to read, made me see and understand what he means by a “fatherless nation,” and what some men lack.
Is Doing these things listed in the book make you more of a man, probably not. But i will say, probably make you less of an asshole 🤷🏽♀️ some of stuff given, some stuff you’d think is a given and yet I’ve dated men who have missed the mark.
From a female perspective it’s interesting, especially raising boys on my own. It’s a good read. Basic, simple, to the point.
February 15, 2024
I really appreciate that this is written to men since the author identifies as a man. He doesn’t try to write to women or pretend to understand what it’s like as a woman, non-binary person, gender queer person, or anything other than what he identifies as: a man. The author doesn’t waver from his experiences, his life, and what he’s learned.
I don’t feel like I’m being talked down to.
There’s definitely cheesy moments where I roll my eyes but for as simple as a lot of these lessons are, pause and ask yourself: when was the last time someone sat down and taught you these things SO explicitly? I genuinely am not sure.
It’s easy to write this book off as a “flop” because it’s “basic” but that’s why it’s so necessary. We all need to read this book again and again and again. And then do it again god damn it. It’s all common sense but it’s so fucking hard.
He breaks down how to apologize, communicate, and I genuinely want to hit all of my male identifying exes over the head with this book.
At the same time? Fuck all of you. 😂😂😂
Guess I still have some work to do. 😂🤷🏻♀️
I don’t feel like I’m being talked down to.
There’s definitely cheesy moments where I roll my eyes but for as simple as a lot of these lessons are, pause and ask yourself: when was the last time someone sat down and taught you these things SO explicitly? I genuinely am not sure.
It’s easy to write this book off as a “flop” because it’s “basic” but that’s why it’s so necessary. We all need to read this book again and again and again. And then do it again god damn it. It’s all common sense but it’s so fucking hard.
He breaks down how to apologize, communicate, and I genuinely want to hit all of my male identifying exes over the head with this book.
At the same time? Fuck all of you. 😂😂😂
Guess I still have some work to do. 😂🤷🏻♀️
May 7, 2024
Made me not be miserable
March 1, 2019
I am not the target audience for this book, so I gave this book a lot of grace. But I just couldn't get past some fundamental issues: this is not for "everyman" and there are some very generalized, stereotypical statements that I don't feel further the narrative.
First, let's start with the target audience: straight men. I think that is a very important factor and quite different than the title implies. To this end, I feel like it is written based on John Kim's definition of a man, but that definition isn't directly stated anywhere. I find this especially curious because Kim states how destructive a father's definition of a man can be to his children. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things in this book, but they're about being an adult, not just a man.
My issue with the generalized and stereotypical statements is mostly because it didn't build the narrative at all. I think this would have been completely negated if the book was framed as growing the f*ck up, rather than being a man.
There was some great stuff in this book, but I just wish it had spent a little more time in the editing process.
First, let's start with the target audience: straight men. I think that is a very important factor and quite different than the title implies. To this end, I feel like it is written based on John Kim's definition of a man, but that definition isn't directly stated anywhere. I find this especially curious because Kim states how destructive a father's definition of a man can be to his children. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things in this book, but they're about being an adult, not just a man.
My issue with the generalized and stereotypical statements is mostly because it didn't build the narrative at all. I think this would have been completely negated if the book was framed as growing the f*ck up, rather than being a man.
There was some great stuff in this book, but I just wish it had spent a little more time in the editing process.
January 22, 2022
There is a lot wrong with classic 'manliness' some say toxic masculinity, I call it being a dick, John Kim calls it being a miserable f*ck. You need to buy this for the men in your life. If you are the man in your life, buy it for yourself.
It's easily consumable, the chapters are short and the writing is casual. The author has catered for everyone.
Review up soon on A Need To Read, Search for the podcast on Apple or Spotify, or follow on Instagram @aneed2read
It's easily consumable, the chapters are short and the writing is casual. The author has catered for everyone.
Review up soon on A Need To Read, Search for the podcast on Apple or Spotify, or follow on Instagram @aneed2read
July 15, 2020
all i learned from this book is that his wife left him
July 25, 2019
Yes, I am not the target audience for this book, so if you are a very particularly and narrowly defined type of man, then my thoughts may not apply. But I am extremely dubious that the kind of man Kim seems to target is going to pick up a book like this, notwithstanding the F-word in the title and its appeal.
The book offers up 66 short chapters on the self, health, love and relationships, career and success, communication, and "everything else." That they could all be summarized as "Don't be a selfish jerk," gives you a sense of the depth of this advice. Does anyone really think that men who behave in the ways described in the book -- picking fights, looking at women as objects so as not to feel rejected by an actual human, tipping poorly, urinating in the shower and swearing to your girlfriend/wife that you've not done it -- will be transformed by reading this kind of book?
Kim seems to have a very narrow definition of what manhood is vs. how it should be expressed. He envisions most men as straight, aggressive (but occasionally, petulant whiners) who see their worth in very pre-1950s models based on to whom they are seen speaking ("hot" women). I don't doubt there are men like that, though (in my relatively long life), I've thankfully encountered very few. And none that I've encountered would be reading a self-help book like this. (Not that one shouldn't try to help improve people like that, but this book doesn't seem to make the necessary connections to accomplish that.)
Kim's self-analysis seems based on self-aggrandizing based on "look how awful I was before, and now you can give me an award because I'm not like that anymore" and it seems every bit as competitive as the behaviors against which he warns. That said, he does, late in the book, wisely encourage men not send "dick picks," noting that that "women do not find the penis attractive. They may find you attractive and your penis is an extension of you so that they choose to love it...Your penis by itself is not hot." This truism made me laugh so hard (no pun intended) that it was worth reading the book for this refreshing statement. Again, the guys who send those aren't going to be warned off by Kim's book, but I'm glad he said it.
Summary: mostly good advice, if positioned in an untenable framework and world view. For a man who cautions against being fighty, his writing feels like he's the drunk guy in the middle of dinner shouting about why you're wrong and he's right. He is right, mostly, but it doesn't make for a pleasant dinner.
The book offers up 66 short chapters on the self, health, love and relationships, career and success, communication, and "everything else." That they could all be summarized as "Don't be a selfish jerk," gives you a sense of the depth of this advice. Does anyone really think that men who behave in the ways described in the book -- picking fights, looking at women as objects so as not to feel rejected by an actual human, tipping poorly, urinating in the shower and swearing to your girlfriend/wife that you've not done it -- will be transformed by reading this kind of book?
Kim seems to have a very narrow definition of what manhood is vs. how it should be expressed. He envisions most men as straight, aggressive (but occasionally, petulant whiners) who see their worth in very pre-1950s models based on to whom they are seen speaking ("hot" women). I don't doubt there are men like that, though (in my relatively long life), I've thankfully encountered very few. And none that I've encountered would be reading a self-help book like this. (Not that one shouldn't try to help improve people like that, but this book doesn't seem to make the necessary connections to accomplish that.)
Kim's self-analysis seems based on self-aggrandizing based on "look how awful I was before, and now you can give me an award because I'm not like that anymore" and it seems every bit as competitive as the behaviors against which he warns. That said, he does, late in the book, wisely encourage men not send "dick picks," noting that that "women do not find the penis attractive. They may find you attractive and your penis is an extension of you so that they choose to love it...Your penis by itself is not hot." This truism made me laugh so hard (no pun intended) that it was worth reading the book for this refreshing statement. Again, the guys who send those aren't going to be warned off by Kim's book, but I'm glad he said it.
Summary: mostly good advice, if positioned in an untenable framework and world view. For a man who cautions against being fighty, his writing feels like he's the drunk guy in the middle of dinner shouting about why you're wrong and he's right. He is right, mostly, but it doesn't make for a pleasant dinner.
January 2, 2024
From the book’s description, I was expecting an interesting story about the author’s life, struggles, and how he overcame his struggles to be a better person. Instead, it was a list of 66 rules that would make you a real man.
Some of the advice was great and can be important to help guys be more mindful and improve their relationships. However, other pieces of “advice” was just him judging others with “crunchy hair” or skinny jeans, both of which were mentioned more than once. Similar judgments might be made by people who can’t stop letting you know they do CrossFit or ride motorcycles… just sayin’.
This book would make a good bathroom read or coffee table reference for single guys - flip to the point that most pertains to your life at the time. I found it to be a bit shallow for what it was with few stories about the author and how his implementation of these rules helped him develop as a person.
Some of the advice was great and can be important to help guys be more mindful and improve their relationships. However, other pieces of “advice” was just him judging others with “crunchy hair” or skinny jeans, both of which were mentioned more than once. Similar judgments might be made by people who can’t stop letting you know they do CrossFit or ride motorcycles… just sayin’.
This book would make a good bathroom read or coffee table reference for single guys - flip to the point that most pertains to your life at the time. I found it to be a bit shallow for what it was with few stories about the author and how his implementation of these rules helped him develop as a person.
July 14, 2024
Nice, fast-paced, high-level compilation of some good principles to follow to be a good man and a good human in general. Heads up: he does mention his motorcycle and crossfit on nearly every page, and his divorce comes up more times than I could count. But this book would have been so helpful to me as a young man in high school, and I find the simple, straightforward nature of it charming. Maybe it wont bring anything new to the table if you’ve been on this journey for a while already, but we could all benefit from returning to the fundamentals frequently.
February 9, 2020
I reminded of someone telling me to take what you want/need, and leave the rest. So the simple straightforward encouragement that I took away from the book, I really liked.
July 31, 2022
Written for boys who need to wake up and figure out what a man should be. Short and full of the personal journey of the author.
August 29, 2022
The book overall was okay. I had a feeling the author was kind of spinning around in the same circle. Writing was very casual which did encourage me to read more.
September 12, 2024
Made me realise how much men suck in general.
May 5, 2019
I wanted to really like this book, but I had a hard time doing so. His starting message of his path of self discovery following his divorce really resonated with me, considering I am going through that same process right now, so I was hoping for some solid meaty bits to chew on and work through. there isn't a lot of that here. There are some gems here; his messages about giving as an act of kindness vs giving with the expectation of reciprocation gave me a lot to think about, and his advice on being genuine to yourself and your intentions (attracting vs chasing) is good advice for everyone, regardless of their situation. The advice in the shot glass approach work well, distilling down to core concepts and giving you time to reflect. Unfortunately, for every gem there is several meh's, and as someone who does crossfit and rides a motorcycle, even I got tired of the constant references to those being his nectar - the whole nectar concept itself didn't really resonate with me. Overall, this book was OK because of the brevity and the ease of use.
December 28, 2019
This book make me a miserable f*ck. It reads like the masturbatory tale of a man who thinks he stopped being the worst, but instead transformed into another version of terrible. Oh did you know he does CrossFit? If you forget he will remind you every page and a half. It was hard to finish.
January 28, 2021
Probably a good read if you are from LA, have a giant ego and difficulty coping with reality. This isn't a good book.
February 22, 2019
This should be mandatory reading for every man out there
May 19, 2019
I love this guy, but I expected so much more. A lot of this was a rehash of his previous writings and concepts, presented somewhat differently.
July 31, 2020
... respektíve pre muža, v jednotnom čísle, pretože autor si ako profesionálny terapeut uvedomuje jedinečnosť každého človeka a nesnaží sa zovšeobecňovať. Teda aspoň nie vždy a nie úmyselne. Vydavateľstvo NOXI v krátko slede prinieslo na slovenský trh dve knihy s "vypípanými" názvami. Okrem diela Johna Kima je to román Alexandry Potterovej Priznania štyridsiatničky, ktorá si pos*ala život. Obe sa úprimne a bez zábran venujú rôznym aspektom každodennosti, čo miestami vyvolá úsmev na vašej tvári, inokedy vás prinúti k zamysleniu. A práve na snahe prehovoriť do duše stavia kniha Bol som mizerný ču*ák. John Kim vníma vlastnú nedokonalosť, ale neberie ju ako príťaž, skôr ako možnosť zlepšiť sám seba.
"Ak sme zameraní na seba, egoistickí alebo plní nárokov, sme uzavretí. Sme ako cement. Nediskutujeme. Len ukazujeme prstom. Sedíme vysoko a pozeráme dole. A tak nemáme priestor na sebapochopenie a uvedomenie. Bez tohto priestoru neexistuje príležitosť pre schránku návrhov na zlepšenie. A bez nej nemôže nastať súdržnosť a dôvera. Ľudia sa necítia bezpečne. Rozvoj sa zastaví. Všetci máme ego. Kontrolovať ho je náročné. Je to proti prírode. Znamená to, že by sme akceptovali, že nie sme dokonalí." (str. 49)
Motivačné knihy nie sú literatúrou, po ktorej by som siahal. Rád si nahováram, že to nepotrebujem 😀, no občas sa nájde titul, ktorý sa vymyká bežným štandardom. John Kim nemoralizuje, všetko, na čo poukazuje, má odžité na vlastnej koži. Prostredie, v ktorom vyrastal, mu poskytlo možnosť rozvíjať svoj komunikačný talent, spoznať rôzne typy ľudí, aj tých z vyšších spoločenských či umeleckých kruhov. Pozlátka, úspech, peniaze, zvýšené ego - trblietavý svet vyzerá na pohľad pekne, ale skrýva v sebe temné zákutia. John Kim sa našťastie zbadal celkom včas, a keďže sa dokázal dostať z labilných oblakov späť na pevnú zem, chce s tým pomôcť aj ostatným, ktorí si možno ani neuvedomujú, že to potrebujú. Už dávno nežijeme v dobe, kedy si muži musia dokazovať svoju silu, nadradenosť a neohrozenosť. Aj my máme svoju citlivú stránku, obavy či pochybnosti. John Kim rozdelil knihu do šiestich častí - Ja, Zdravie, Láska a vzťahy, Kariéra a úspech, Komunikácia a Všetko ostatné. Nie je potrebné čítať všetko v uvedenom poradí, sám autor dokonca predpokladá, že mužov najviac zaujíma tretia časť... Každá začína takzvaným poldecákom, kde sú heslovito zhrnuté základné body tej-ktorej pasáže. Máte tak prehľad, čo vás čaká, a možnosť zistiť, či vás to zaujíma. Kniha obsahuje dovedna šesťdesiatšesť rád, odpozorovaných a prežitých samotným autorom. Niektoré sú objasnené jeho vlastnými zážitkami, čím získavajú na autenticite a je pre čitateľa ľahšie stotožniť sa s nimi. Obával som sa totiž, že pôjde o ďalšiu publikáciu s prázdnymi frázami, ktoré človek nemá šancu v takom množstve aplikovať v bežnom dni, ale zmena často prichádza nenápadne a občas si k nej musíme dopomôcť sami. John Kim preto netlačí na pílu svoje rady podsúva zľahka a nenásilne.
"Mal som klienta, ktorý urobil všetko možné, aby mohol byť so svojou vtedajšou priateľkou aj potom, čo ho neustále podvádzala a znova a znova mu zlomila srdce. Urobil všetko, čo chcela: dal jej desaťtisíc dolárov, aby si dala do poriadku život, a dokonca súhlasil, že sa kvôli nej presťahuje do inej krajiny, napriek tomu, že to nechcel. Mal sa tam s ňou stretnúť, ale jeho auto sa pokazilo niekoľko kilometrov pred hranicou. Jedno z mnohých znamení, ktoré mu vesmír poskytol. Ale on všetky ignoroval. Presťahoval sa aj tak a ona sa s ním po dvoch týždňoch predsa len rozišla. Stratil seba aj svoj život, niekoľkokrát." (str. 157)
Kniha Bol som mizerný ču*ák je kniha, ktorú by si mal v dnešnej dobe prečítať nejeden muž. Žiaľ, pravdepodobne po nej siahnu skôr tí, ktorí daný návod byť "normálny" až tak nepotrebujú. Možno ale nájdu spôsob, ako otvoriť oči zvyšku mužskej populácie, tak ako sám John Kim. Ja som zistil hlavne, že motivačná literatúre nemusí byť založená iba na kalkule, otrepaných frázach a nič nehovoriacich príkladoch, ale môže byť aj pútavá, dynamická a prezentovať myšlienky šarmantne a pritom celkom otvorene.
"Ak sme zameraní na seba, egoistickí alebo plní nárokov, sme uzavretí. Sme ako cement. Nediskutujeme. Len ukazujeme prstom. Sedíme vysoko a pozeráme dole. A tak nemáme priestor na sebapochopenie a uvedomenie. Bez tohto priestoru neexistuje príležitosť pre schránku návrhov na zlepšenie. A bez nej nemôže nastať súdržnosť a dôvera. Ľudia sa necítia bezpečne. Rozvoj sa zastaví. Všetci máme ego. Kontrolovať ho je náročné. Je to proti prírode. Znamená to, že by sme akceptovali, že nie sme dokonalí." (str. 49)
Motivačné knihy nie sú literatúrou, po ktorej by som siahal. Rád si nahováram, že to nepotrebujem 😀, no občas sa nájde titul, ktorý sa vymyká bežným štandardom. John Kim nemoralizuje, všetko, na čo poukazuje, má odžité na vlastnej koži. Prostredie, v ktorom vyrastal, mu poskytlo možnosť rozvíjať svoj komunikačný talent, spoznať rôzne typy ľudí, aj tých z vyšších spoločenských či umeleckých kruhov. Pozlátka, úspech, peniaze, zvýšené ego - trblietavý svet vyzerá na pohľad pekne, ale skrýva v sebe temné zákutia. John Kim sa našťastie zbadal celkom včas, a keďže sa dokázal dostať z labilných oblakov späť na pevnú zem, chce s tým pomôcť aj ostatným, ktorí si možno ani neuvedomujú, že to potrebujú. Už dávno nežijeme v dobe, kedy si muži musia dokazovať svoju silu, nadradenosť a neohrozenosť. Aj my máme svoju citlivú stránku, obavy či pochybnosti. John Kim rozdelil knihu do šiestich častí - Ja, Zdravie, Láska a vzťahy, Kariéra a úspech, Komunikácia a Všetko ostatné. Nie je potrebné čítať všetko v uvedenom poradí, sám autor dokonca predpokladá, že mužov najviac zaujíma tretia časť... Každá začína takzvaným poldecákom, kde sú heslovito zhrnuté základné body tej-ktorej pasáže. Máte tak prehľad, čo vás čaká, a možnosť zistiť, či vás to zaujíma. Kniha obsahuje dovedna šesťdesiatšesť rád, odpozorovaných a prežitých samotným autorom. Niektoré sú objasnené jeho vlastnými zážitkami, čím získavajú na autenticite a je pre čitateľa ľahšie stotožniť sa s nimi. Obával som sa totiž, že pôjde o ďalšiu publikáciu s prázdnymi frázami, ktoré človek nemá šancu v takom množstve aplikovať v bežnom dni, ale zmena často prichádza nenápadne a občas si k nej musíme dopomôcť sami. John Kim preto netlačí na pílu svoje rady podsúva zľahka a nenásilne.
"Mal som klienta, ktorý urobil všetko možné, aby mohol byť so svojou vtedajšou priateľkou aj potom, čo ho neustále podvádzala a znova a znova mu zlomila srdce. Urobil všetko, čo chcela: dal jej desaťtisíc dolárov, aby si dala do poriadku život, a dokonca súhlasil, že sa kvôli nej presťahuje do inej krajiny, napriek tomu, že to nechcel. Mal sa tam s ňou stretnúť, ale jeho auto sa pokazilo niekoľko kilometrov pred hranicou. Jedno z mnohých znamení, ktoré mu vesmír poskytol. Ale on všetky ignoroval. Presťahoval sa aj tak a ona sa s ním po dvoch týždňoch predsa len rozišla. Stratil seba aj svoj život, niekoľkokrát." (str. 157)
Kniha Bol som mizerný ču*ák je kniha, ktorú by si mal v dnešnej dobe prečítať nejeden muž. Žiaľ, pravdepodobne po nej siahnu skôr tí, ktorí daný návod byť "normálny" až tak nepotrebujú. Možno ale nájdu spôsob, ako otvoriť oči zvyšku mužskej populácie, tak ako sám John Kim. Ja som zistil hlavne, že motivačná literatúre nemusí byť založená iba na kalkule, otrepaných frázach a nič nehovoriacich príkladoch, ale môže byť aj pútavá, dynamická a prezentovať myšlienky šarmantne a pritom celkom otvorene.
February 5, 2023
I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck: An Everyman's Guide to a Meaningful Life by John Kim
Having never read anything else by "The Angry Therapist," I can only assume he gets his monicker by being blunt and throwing in a lot of f-bombs. The book is fine, and I enjoyed a couple of rather helpful chapters that I shared with my wife so we could discuss. While I could have used this book a couple years earlier, coming out of a divorce and making sense of things again, I probably wouldn't have been ready for it then; just as the author needed to learn a lot coming out of his divorce in order to write this content.
The book has 63 chapters, some of which are only a page, plus a conclusion that sums up main ideas. Much of it is what you may already see from Instagram or whatever motivational email newsletter you may subscribe to. But the author's own personal anecdotes of what he learned about himself from a failed marriage are helpful. Many of us didn't get the proper training in how to be confident and content when we were growing up. I recommend it for those men whose marriages may be struggling and who may be questioning whether they need to cut and run or look deeply in the mirror.
"After my divorce, I decided to stop chasing. I decided to focus inward instead of outward, work on me, my relationship with self, my body, my belief system. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was attracting by making myself more attractive."
One item that would have improved this book for me is if the author had discussed what happened post-divorce in the relationship with his now-ex. Once he got his stuff together, did he try to make it work again?
There are good anecdotes on accepting your story, not judging, not chasing things, setting boundaries, showing affection, and not putting a woman on a pedestal.
"Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. But men who walk with mirrors are true leaders."
Chapter 25 on "Don't Put Your Shoulds on Others" was particularly meaningful for me, for example: "You want less anxiety in your life? First, notice every time you say “should,” either out loud or, more importantly, mentally. Stop judging everything, everyone, including yourself."
Other anecdotes:
"She needs to know that you can say no. Because it means you have a spine. It means you have opinions. It means you have something to stand for. But more importantly, it means you have courage. This means she has someone to lean on."
"Love means compromise. Not self-compromise. There is a huge difference. In one, you are giving. In the other, you are taking. When you put her on a pedestal, you are creating room for sacrifice, not compromise, entering a long dark hallway where you will slowly lose yourself."
Being decisive:
"Ambivalence repels love and trust like flipped magnets. Without the courage to decide, no one will follow you. And in relationships, it will stunt chemistry, attraction, and growth. She may not agree with your decision, but she must trust that you have the ability to make one."
"(I)f you don’t have the ability to produce joy from what’s in front of you, you will never be satisfied...(H)appy doesn’t fall into our laps. We must produce it. It must be squeezed out of what we have in front of us."
I give it 3 stars out of 5. There are more intelligently-written books one can read, and I feel like his publisher must have wanted to put more chapters in, so in some he felt he needed to publish something. But there are definitely nuggets that I took away from it. I recommend it to those around the divorce stage.
Having never read anything else by "The Angry Therapist," I can only assume he gets his monicker by being blunt and throwing in a lot of f-bombs. The book is fine, and I enjoyed a couple of rather helpful chapters that I shared with my wife so we could discuss. While I could have used this book a couple years earlier, coming out of a divorce and making sense of things again, I probably wouldn't have been ready for it then; just as the author needed to learn a lot coming out of his divorce in order to write this content.
The book has 63 chapters, some of which are only a page, plus a conclusion that sums up main ideas. Much of it is what you may already see from Instagram or whatever motivational email newsletter you may subscribe to. But the author's own personal anecdotes of what he learned about himself from a failed marriage are helpful. Many of us didn't get the proper training in how to be confident and content when we were growing up. I recommend it for those men whose marriages may be struggling and who may be questioning whether they need to cut and run or look deeply in the mirror.
"After my divorce, I decided to stop chasing. I decided to focus inward instead of outward, work on me, my relationship with self, my body, my belief system. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was attracting by making myself more attractive."
One item that would have improved this book for me is if the author had discussed what happened post-divorce in the relationship with his now-ex. Once he got his stuff together, did he try to make it work again?
There are good anecdotes on accepting your story, not judging, not chasing things, setting boundaries, showing affection, and not putting a woman on a pedestal.
"Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. But men who walk with mirrors are true leaders."
Chapter 25 on "Don't Put Your Shoulds on Others" was particularly meaningful for me, for example: "You want less anxiety in your life? First, notice every time you say “should,” either out loud or, more importantly, mentally. Stop judging everything, everyone, including yourself."
Other anecdotes:
"She needs to know that you can say no. Because it means you have a spine. It means you have opinions. It means you have something to stand for. But more importantly, it means you have courage. This means she has someone to lean on."
"Love means compromise. Not self-compromise. There is a huge difference. In one, you are giving. In the other, you are taking. When you put her on a pedestal, you are creating room for sacrifice, not compromise, entering a long dark hallway where you will slowly lose yourself."
Being decisive:
"Ambivalence repels love and trust like flipped magnets. Without the courage to decide, no one will follow you. And in relationships, it will stunt chemistry, attraction, and growth. She may not agree with your decision, but she must trust that you have the ability to make one."
"(I)f you don’t have the ability to produce joy from what’s in front of you, you will never be satisfied...(H)appy doesn’t fall into our laps. We must produce it. It must be squeezed out of what we have in front of us."
I give it 3 stars out of 5. There are more intelligently-written books one can read, and I feel like his publisher must have wanted to put more chapters in, so in some he felt he needed to publish something. But there are definitely nuggets that I took away from it. I recommend it to those around the divorce stage.
November 11, 2022
This book is probably best digested a chapter or two a day.
It’s fine overall, but it wears on you overtime.
There are good points made, but I think a lot of this book was too reliant on “men” stereotypes and the same “social norms” the author says he’s arguing against.
The author is heterosexual, and all of his advice around partners is from that viewpoint. In many ways, it seems like he’s saying “men” have romantic relationships with “women” and relationships with other men are friendships.
I’m sure he was simply speaking from his own experience and leaning towards the majority, but he wrote this in 2019. How hard would it have been to just say “partner” or “significant other” instead of girlfriend of wife etc? Did he feel male/male romantic relationships differ from male/female relationships? Did he not want to dive too deeply into those granular details?
I know everyone has their own lived experience, and he can’t hit them all, but his whole focus on motorcycles and CrossFit… just felt like he was visiting the well of traditional “manhood” a bit too often.
Beyond that, I’m sure some things are tongue in cheek - “Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans” - but a lot of the time, those things seem to completely go against the anti-judgement and “be yourself” mantra the author is pushing.
He does have success with some seemingly random “do’s” like “Don’t pee in the shower” serving as entry points for deeper meanings (in this case, if your partner says “don’t pee in the shower” but you still do, it can create cracks in trust), but “don’t wear too much hair product”..? Again, just because this dude had a girlfriend who loved his shaved head because she could rub her hand across it, doesn’t mean someone else’s partner doesn’t love their coiffed hair.
3 stars because (there isn’t a half star rating, other I’d probably give this 2.5) it’s a short and generally easy read with some solid advice that I absolutely agree with - advice that took much of my 20s to learn myself.
This is an okay entry point when it comes to exploring “manhood,” but I’d probably point people to Grayson Perry’s “Descent of Man” long before this.
It’s fine overall, but it wears on you overtime.
There are good points made, but I think a lot of this book was too reliant on “men” stereotypes and the same “social norms” the author says he’s arguing against.
The author is heterosexual, and all of his advice around partners is from that viewpoint. In many ways, it seems like he’s saying “men” have romantic relationships with “women” and relationships with other men are friendships.
I’m sure he was simply speaking from his own experience and leaning towards the majority, but he wrote this in 2019. How hard would it have been to just say “partner” or “significant other” instead of girlfriend of wife etc? Did he feel male/male romantic relationships differ from male/female relationships? Did he not want to dive too deeply into those granular details?
I know everyone has their own lived experience, and he can’t hit them all, but his whole focus on motorcycles and CrossFit… just felt like he was visiting the well of traditional “manhood” a bit too often.
Beyond that, I’m sure some things are tongue in cheek - “Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans” - but a lot of the time, those things seem to completely go against the anti-judgement and “be yourself” mantra the author is pushing.
He does have success with some seemingly random “do’s” like “Don’t pee in the shower” serving as entry points for deeper meanings (in this case, if your partner says “don’t pee in the shower” but you still do, it can create cracks in trust), but “don’t wear too much hair product”..? Again, just because this dude had a girlfriend who loved his shaved head because she could rub her hand across it, doesn’t mean someone else’s partner doesn’t love their coiffed hair.
3 stars because (there isn’t a half star rating, other I’d probably give this 2.5) it’s a short and generally easy read with some solid advice that I absolutely agree with - advice that took much of my 20s to learn myself.
This is an okay entry point when it comes to exploring “manhood,” but I’d probably point people to Grayson Perry’s “Descent of Man” long before this.
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