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350 pages, Hardcover
First published January 18, 2017
“A lot of people use the term ‘pop her cherry’ to suggest that a woman who hasn’t had sex before can be popped like a bottle of champagne. It’s as if her vagina is as different before and after her sexual debut as a bottle of Moët and Chandon is with and without its cork.”
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“Don’t waste energy worrying about your hymen, it isn’t worth losing sleep over. Spend time worrying about serious things instead, like global warming, the refugee situation and deficient sex education in schools.”
Seriously, drop the euphemisms, translators and publishers. We are adults, not shrinking violets, not small children. “Down under”, “vajayjay”, “lady parts”, “privates” — stop it! Google translate tells me that the Norwegian title “Gleden med skjeden” translates into “The Joy of the Vagina”, and that’s the title that should have been published. There’s nothing shameful about genitalia.
“The combination of an entire day’s worth of discharge and sweat, together with a dash of residual urine creates a characteristic odour. In our circle of female friends, we use the Norwegian term ‘discomus’, meaning ‘disco mouse’. This describes the distinctive smell your genitals – your mouse – gives off after a long night on the dance floor, or a trip to the gym for that matter. It doesn’t exactly smell bad, but it certainly can smell pretty intense.”
“It’s also important to remember that porn actors should be viewed as extreme athletes. They’ve done it all before, so to say. The American skier Lindsey Vonn makes downhill look easy, but you’d probably break your neck if you tried to be her the first time you put on a pair of skis.”
“Just remember that the Cardamom Law applies: you and your partner may be horny and keen to have sex NOW, but it may be best to have sex in a place and at a time that isn’t going to bother other people. For example, it isn’t cool to sit next to a couple having sex on a plane. Ellen can vouch for this, having experienced it on a flight to New York. The fact that these lovebirds pretended to speak neither English nor Norwegian when they were clearly from Kristiansand (a town in southern Norway) was the last straw. Have some respect.”
Would you like to not get pregnant? Well, the pill is great for that, but the pill is also great for lots of other things!
Heavy bleeding? Take the pill!
Irregular cycle? Take the pill!
Underlying illness like PCOS or endometriosis? Take the pill!
Just general menstrual pain? Take the pill!
Depressed? Take the pill!*
* Disclaimer: There are some reasons researchers think the pill might actually increase your risk of depression, but those are all faulty studies because of this and this and this; of course, there is that one really thorough, really good empirical study that indicates that yes, hormonal contraception does increase your risk of depression, but whatever, man, as long as we don’t know more: TAKE THE PILL!!!!!
This is how it is, although it can also be like that, of course, but let’s talk about how it really should be (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*), and not how it maybe could be.