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Dansul Fricii
Topselling author Harriet Lerner is at her provocative best in this well–received examination of fear, anxiety, and shame, the three key emotions that she believes cause all unhappiness.
Using her wonderfully rich and inviting therapeutic voice, along with personal memories and examples drawn from her practice, Lerner gives fear and its accompanying negative emotions, anxiety and shame, their due.
Anxiety, fear and shame can wash over us like a tidal wave or operate as a silent thrum under the surface of our daily lives. With stories that are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heart–breaking, Lerner takes us from 'fear–lite' and mild anxiety to deep dread, shame and terror.
No–one signs up for anxiety, fear and shame, but we can't avoid them, either. The more we can look these emotions in the eye, with patience and curiosity, and the more we learn to spot their wisdom and mischief, the less grip they have on us. As we learn to respond to the three key emotions in new ways, we can live more fully in the present and move into the future with courage, clarity, humour and hope.
280 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2004
378 people are currently reading
4617 people want to read
About the author
Harriet Lerner
69 books967 followersDr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, City University of New York; M.A. Educational Psychology, Columbia University Teachers College), was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the second of two daughters. Her parents, Archie and Rose Goldhor, were both children of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents. They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to "be someone" at a time when women were only supposed to "find someone."
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 151 reviews
January 27, 2009
This book made a big impact on me.
My favorite points:
1. When you avoid what you fear, it worsens anxiety. If you can do things or put yourself in situations that you are afraid of, you can see yourself experience them and come out the other side all in one piece. For example, if it's fear of rejection you are trying to overcome, you need to actually experience rejection enough times to realize that you don't need to be afraid of it.
2. "To some extent we all compare ourselves to others. It's easy to come up short because we compare our insides with other people's outsides, and while we know our own worst selves, we never fully know the pain, vulnerability and sadness of others."
She also talks about why we fear change, anxiety in the work place, and the secret power of shame. Excellent, enjoyable read.
My favorite points:
1. When you avoid what you fear, it worsens anxiety. If you can do things or put yourself in situations that you are afraid of, you can see yourself experience them and come out the other side all in one piece. For example, if it's fear of rejection you are trying to overcome, you need to actually experience rejection enough times to realize that you don't need to be afraid of it.
2. "To some extent we all compare ourselves to others. It's easy to come up short because we compare our insides with other people's outsides, and while we know our own worst selves, we never fully know the pain, vulnerability and sadness of others."
She also talks about why we fear change, anxiety in the work place, and the secret power of shame. Excellent, enjoyable read.
February 1, 2015
Technically, I'll give it a 2.5. I read this because I saw the book and the author featured on Brene Brown's blog. I don't think this book was as helpful, applicable, or inspirational as Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection" but I did find some parts helpful. The last chapter or so about courage in the face of fear--that fear doesn't really limit us; rather the avoidance of things that make us fearful/anxious limits us--was relevant to me. I liked that the author used real stories to illustrate her points; however, I didn't feel like the book had much cohesiveness to it. It felt like the main point changed several times. I think I'll still check out some more of her books, but aside from a few paragraphs in this one--it didn't wow me.
April 27, 2013
I've become a fan of Harriet's books. They are very readable with lots of examples from either her life or patients she has seen over the years. She makes the topic less fearsome. We can get beyond our fears, even if we don't know we have them.
The chapter on workplace fears was insightful. Workplace issues can be very complex given the number of diverse players and pressures, but it boils down to something rather simple.
The chapter on workplace fears was insightful. Workplace issues can be very complex given the number of diverse players and pressures, but it boils down to something rather simple.
July 25, 2016
"In reality, every human being is dependent on the help and support of others. There's nothing shameful about recognizing how much we need each other - a fact we can deny when we're healthy and things are going well. What's shameful is the myth that with the right "can-do" attitude, we can bootstrap our way to health, wealth, and happiness. Or that staying strong, vigorous, and youthful is what matters most, rather than cultivating acceptance for what is. Or that fear and suffering is weak, and that our job is to "take control of our lives" and "run the show." Surrender is not the American Way. We are expected to turn even the most terrifying experiences and unfathomable losses into an opportunity for personal growth. Writer Michael Ventura call this our "consumer attitude" toward experience and notes that other cultures would find it unnatural. "
November 21, 2007
this book is very intriguing ... its difficult for me to grasp the magnitude of baggage we drag around that developed many years ago in our childhood
April 3, 2025
kitaba 4, çevirmene ve editöre ise 1 puan vermek istiyorum
June 3, 2018
Wonderful, powerful read. Lerner provides a new way to think of fear that we experience in day to day life: inescapable, inevitable, painful that can drive feelings of anxiety, shame & guilt.
Shame: She teaches that shame is a very powerful tool people use to manipulate and deflect their own, but it’s usually not consciously seen by the shamer as such. Shaming another is usually a way of deflecting our own insecurities & fears. A mother afraid of what people may say about her overweight child may make guilt-ridden comments about her daughter’s weight, and not realize that she is doing so from a place of trying to protect her own feelings
Anxiety: writes about how a company/group/relationship can be driven by anxiety and how the interconnectedness can influence the entire system. “You can learn to let other people’s anxiety float by you, and to pass on less anxiety than you receive...we are not only moving in the direction of calming things down. We are also doing what the world desperately needs: creating a more peaceable, open-hearted place to live.”
5 styles of managing anxiety: under-functioning (doing too little), overfunctioning (think bossy control freak mode), blaming (not taking responsibility for our share in the problem & placing it on another person), distancing (withdrawing and avoiding other people/situations at all costs), and GOSSIP (two people moving closer to each other at the expense of the person being gossiped about). ***lots of gossip indicates a lot of anxiety***
Shame: linked to an internal idea that we are not enough of love or even existence. Can be experienced secondhand.
Great quotes:
+ “anxiety and fear push us to extremes, so we may feel like an emotional basket case on the one hand, or present ourselves as having no needs, problems, or loose ends on the other. Anxiety, by it’s very nature will lead you to lose objectivity about the complex, wonderful, flawed, ever-changing person you are. When you can’t see yourself objectively, you won’t see anyone else objectively either.”
+ “The process of self-observation, reflection and change is a self-loving task”
+ “Judging others is simply the flip side of judging yourself”
Shame: She teaches that shame is a very powerful tool people use to manipulate and deflect their own, but it’s usually not consciously seen by the shamer as such. Shaming another is usually a way of deflecting our own insecurities & fears. A mother afraid of what people may say about her overweight child may make guilt-ridden comments about her daughter’s weight, and not realize that she is doing so from a place of trying to protect her own feelings
Anxiety: writes about how a company/group/relationship can be driven by anxiety and how the interconnectedness can influence the entire system. “You can learn to let other people’s anxiety float by you, and to pass on less anxiety than you receive...we are not only moving in the direction of calming things down. We are also doing what the world desperately needs: creating a more peaceable, open-hearted place to live.”
5 styles of managing anxiety: under-functioning (doing too little), overfunctioning (think bossy control freak mode), blaming (not taking responsibility for our share in the problem & placing it on another person), distancing (withdrawing and avoiding other people/situations at all costs), and GOSSIP (two people moving closer to each other at the expense of the person being gossiped about). ***lots of gossip indicates a lot of anxiety***
Shame: linked to an internal idea that we are not enough of love or even existence. Can be experienced secondhand.
Great quotes:
+ “anxiety and fear push us to extremes, so we may feel like an emotional basket case on the one hand, or present ourselves as having no needs, problems, or loose ends on the other. Anxiety, by it’s very nature will lead you to lose objectivity about the complex, wonderful, flawed, ever-changing person you are. When you can’t see yourself objectively, you won’t see anyone else objectively either.”
+ “The process of self-observation, reflection and change is a self-loving task”
+ “Judging others is simply the flip side of judging yourself”
May 21, 2022
A good book!
The reason why I didn't rate it higher was because I'm already familiar with a lot of the lessons in it. But if you're only just beginning to wade into the topic of shame/fear/anxiety, this would be a fantastic introductory book. I especially appreciated the chapters that focused on systems theory and sexual shame.
The reason why I didn't rate it higher was because I'm already familiar with a lot of the lessons in it. But if you're only just beginning to wade into the topic of shame/fear/anxiety, this would be a fantastic introductory book. I especially appreciated the chapters that focused on systems theory and sexual shame.
November 24, 2020
This book just wasn’t for me - I was reading it to hopefully be helpful to some of my loved ones, but it just didn’t connect for me. However, I’m sure there’s great advice in there for people looking for it!
September 28, 2023
not particularly groundbreaking. clearly not entirely captivating given how long it took me to finish. but well written nonetheless
February 21, 2021
I listened to the audiobook version read by the author. She is calming, reassuring, and exactly the voice you want in your corner.
June 10, 2024
Early (2004) look at shame, fear and anxiety from a psychotherapist perspective… Very spot on after 20 years and Brené Brown’s research. The second half of the book was my favorite.
January 2, 2018
I have greatly benefited from reading Lerner's books. A few things really stuck with me from this one. In particular, I found chapter 7 on the anxious workplace very helpful. The five unproductive styles of managing anxiety are underfunctioning, overfunctioning, blaming, distancing and gossiping, and the antidote to each is taking responsibility, thinking things though, showing up to events/being personable with colleagues, staying present/being direct, being straightforward, and knowing when to stop. The goal of effective leaders in a workplace is to transmit less intensity than we receive. I also really appreciated Lerner's writing about being honest about one's own insecurities and weaknesses, and how that opens up space for others to share their truth. The discussion in chapter 9 about female genitalia and shame over the vulva (indeed, I have a hard time even writing it here, because the word is associated with so much shame in our society). Finally, I appreciated the writing about how courage means different things for different people. For some people, speaking up is courageous; for others, waiting until the strong emotion subsides to speak up instead of blurting out the first thing we think is the courageous action. For some, it's harder to find the courage to travel the world; for others, traveling is easy, but the hard emotions to deal with are those close to home.
February 29, 2020
One thing I love about Harriet Lerner's writing is how accessible it is. It's easy to understand and she knows exactly when to put a person's story within the writing. She's not pretentious and isn't afraid to include her own flaws within her writing. She makes it so easy to relate. I've made it a personal goal to read all of her books.
I've read this book before and really liked it. I find what makes people tick (including myself) so interesting. I don't remember what I related to the first time I read it, but this go round I really got a lot out of it. I marked the shit out of this book. I have anxiety and depression so this had some tidbits in it that left me feeling seen as well as feeling hopeful to my own situation. Chapter 11, "Courage in the Face of Fear," was especially inspiring.
I definitely recommend if you have or know someone with anxiety, but also if you're just interested in fear and how it affects us because it affects all of us, whether you have anxiety or not. Highly recommend.
I've read this book before and really liked it. I find what makes people tick (including myself) so interesting. I don't remember what I related to the first time I read it, but this go round I really got a lot out of it. I marked the shit out of this book. I have anxiety and depression so this had some tidbits in it that left me feeling seen as well as feeling hopeful to my own situation. Chapter 11, "Courage in the Face of Fear," was especially inspiring.
I definitely recommend if you have or know someone with anxiety, but also if you're just interested in fear and how it affects us because it affects all of us, whether you have anxiety or not. Highly recommend.
June 15, 2018
I love this woman. Relatable and pragmatic without drama nor touchy feely.
September 1, 2018
Most helpful was hearing how anxiety and our different reactions to anxiety show up. It was one of the better descriptions I’ve come across.
November 11, 2017
I always approach self help books with the best of intentions but find that I'm cynical after a handful of pages. Not all self-help books are this way and I've made mention in the past that the ones that are chock-full of research studies that have been replicated and verified are far better than those that come off as testimonial nonsense. This book falls into the latter category.
The book does have merit just not enough to warrant heaping any praise. There are nuggets of information that the reader will come across from time to time but they are few and far between in the 230+ pages. Everything else is a mix of theories that the author came up with to define the problem at hand and stories about the many clients she's seen and how their "unique" scenarios can be used to exemplify her point. This is the kind of mire bullshit that I struggle with. First of all, I think people seek out these books because they are legitimately interested in solving what may be a debilitating problem. The research is out there and it wouldn't have been tough to read a few peer-reviewed studies in order to throw something in to validate the claims. To me, it comes off like a subjective collegiate paper for an intro psych class on emotions. She articulates her points well but they are more personal beliefs about fear, shame and guilt than anything. This is why, to me, a lot of self help books bamboozle the reader who pay the price of admission to learn, grow, and overcome. But anyone can throw their two cents on paper and call it good.
Secondly, the stories from her clients seem like a bunch of rubbish too. These are fairly personal stories with a great deal of detail. I know they'll change the names to protect the innocent but there is still client/therapist confidentiality. Maybe they all signed off on it but in my view, these are loosely based on truth and doctored more than enough to prove the points that the author is after. That isn't helpful either. It's also great that every one of her clients seemed to have a breakthrough and overcome their woe. How convenient.
Back to my point about the helpful nuggets of information: while I stand by my assertion, maybe these were helpful because they spoke to me and my situation. My nuggets may not be another man's treasure. As with any self-help book I think the authors want to sell a couple of books and make a name for themselves. They aren't ethically bound to deliver the truth and save the souls of the readers. If someone feels good after a read, that's fine and dandy. Favorable even. But it doesn't change the fact that books in this style seem disingenuous and full of fluff to keep the wounded soul coming back for more. I'm not a fan and I don't think there was anything of practical application that I could use in my day-to-day.
On a final note, I couldn't wrap this up without mentioning the very strange and out-of-place segment on vaginas that the author passionately expounded on for a significant number of pages. Vaginas and vulvas are very different and apparently the one physical attribute that woman feel the most shame about. I'll leave it at that but there is more, much more and while only a few pages long, the author means business and won't rest until her point reaches the masses. I guess it's fair to say that THIS is something that I will apply in my day-to-day. I'll never think of vaginas the same way again. Not really the take away that I was after when I cracked open this gem.
The book does have merit just not enough to warrant heaping any praise. There are nuggets of information that the reader will come across from time to time but they are few and far between in the 230+ pages. Everything else is a mix of theories that the author came up with to define the problem at hand and stories about the many clients she's seen and how their "unique" scenarios can be used to exemplify her point. This is the kind of mire bullshit that I struggle with. First of all, I think people seek out these books because they are legitimately interested in solving what may be a debilitating problem. The research is out there and it wouldn't have been tough to read a few peer-reviewed studies in order to throw something in to validate the claims. To me, it comes off like a subjective collegiate paper for an intro psych class on emotions. She articulates her points well but they are more personal beliefs about fear, shame and guilt than anything. This is why, to me, a lot of self help books bamboozle the reader who pay the price of admission to learn, grow, and overcome. But anyone can throw their two cents on paper and call it good.
Secondly, the stories from her clients seem like a bunch of rubbish too. These are fairly personal stories with a great deal of detail. I know they'll change the names to protect the innocent but there is still client/therapist confidentiality. Maybe they all signed off on it but in my view, these are loosely based on truth and doctored more than enough to prove the points that the author is after. That isn't helpful either. It's also great that every one of her clients seemed to have a breakthrough and overcome their woe. How convenient.
Back to my point about the helpful nuggets of information: while I stand by my assertion, maybe these were helpful because they spoke to me and my situation. My nuggets may not be another man's treasure. As with any self-help book I think the authors want to sell a couple of books and make a name for themselves. They aren't ethically bound to deliver the truth and save the souls of the readers. If someone feels good after a read, that's fine and dandy. Favorable even. But it doesn't change the fact that books in this style seem disingenuous and full of fluff to keep the wounded soul coming back for more. I'm not a fan and I don't think there was anything of practical application that I could use in my day-to-day.
On a final note, I couldn't wrap this up without mentioning the very strange and out-of-place segment on vaginas that the author passionately expounded on for a significant number of pages. Vaginas and vulvas are very different and apparently the one physical attribute that woman feel the most shame about. I'll leave it at that but there is more, much more and while only a few pages long, the author means business and won't rest until her point reaches the masses. I guess it's fair to say that THIS is something that I will apply in my day-to-day. I'll never think of vaginas the same way again. Not really the take away that I was after when I cracked open this gem.
September 19, 2025
„Suntem datori față de noi înșine și față de ceilalți să învățăm cum să recunoaștem comportamentele ce reflectă și sporesc anxietatea și să ne stăpânim propria anxietate, astfel încât să nu-și facă mendrele, provocând suferință.”
„Dacă nu vă temeți niciodată, e posibil să aveți dificultăți în a simți compasiunea, curiozitatea profundă sau bucuria. Frica nu e amuzantă, dar e un semn că suntem plini de viață.”
„Rușinea… frica de a fi văzuți ca fiind fundamental defecți, inoportuni și nedemni de a fi iubiți”
„Rușinea îi conduce pe oameni spre o viață de tăcere, pasivitate, minciună și prefăcătorie. Sau, ca să evite sentimentul de rușine, unii oameni transformă rușinea în dispreț, aroganță ori superioritate[...] rușinea ne scoate din fluxul conexiunilor umane.”
„ceea ce considerăm a fi cel mai neobișnuit și mai rușinos lucru în ființa noastră este adesea lucrul cel mai uman și mai universal valabil pentru toți.”
„Cei mai mulți oameni sunt capabili să ceară iertare pentru ce-au făcut (vinovăția lor). Prea puțini sunt în stare să ceară iertare pentru ceea ce sunt (rușinea lor)”
„efortul de a evita emoțiile incomode, ne vlăguiește curajul.”
„consecvența - atunci când vine vorba de a face schimbări care nu ne aduc nici iubirea și nici aprobarea celorlalți- este testul suprem de curaj.”
„Renunțând la dorința de a controla mersul Universului, ne regăsim cu adevărat locul în cadrul său. Controlul este o iluzie - lucru pe care-l veți afla foarte iute, dacă vă îmbolnăviți sau suferiți în vreun alt fel. Însă când ne înțelegem vulnerabilitatea și suferința ca fiind componente esențiale ale vieții umane, destinul nostru particular poate deveni mai ușor de gestionat.”
„Prea adesea, ceea ce merge bine trece neobservat.”
„În renunțare e un fel de pace.”
„Ne descurcăm cel mai fructuos cu o pierdere atunci când acceptăm faptul că, într-o zi, vom pierde totul. Când învățăm să cădem, aflăm că numai descleștând mâna de pe tot ceea ce considerăm prețios - realizările, planurile, cei dragi, însuși sinele nostru - putem găsi, în sfârșit, cea mai profundă libertate.”
„Dacă nu avem curajul de a ieși la lumină, atunci frica, anxietatea și rușinea vor umbri cel mai bun sine al nostru.”
„Dacă nu vă temeți niciodată, e posibil să aveți dificultăți în a simți compasiunea, curiozitatea profundă sau bucuria. Frica nu e amuzantă, dar e un semn că suntem plini de viață.”
„Rușinea… frica de a fi văzuți ca fiind fundamental defecți, inoportuni și nedemni de a fi iubiți”
„Rușinea îi conduce pe oameni spre o viață de tăcere, pasivitate, minciună și prefăcătorie. Sau, ca să evite sentimentul de rușine, unii oameni transformă rușinea în dispreț, aroganță ori superioritate[...] rușinea ne scoate din fluxul conexiunilor umane.”
„ceea ce considerăm a fi cel mai neobișnuit și mai rușinos lucru în ființa noastră este adesea lucrul cel mai uman și mai universal valabil pentru toți.”
„Cei mai mulți oameni sunt capabili să ceară iertare pentru ce-au făcut (vinovăția lor). Prea puțini sunt în stare să ceară iertare pentru ceea ce sunt (rușinea lor)”
„efortul de a evita emoțiile incomode, ne vlăguiește curajul.”
„consecvența - atunci când vine vorba de a face schimbări care nu ne aduc nici iubirea și nici aprobarea celorlalți- este testul suprem de curaj.”
„Renunțând la dorința de a controla mersul Universului, ne regăsim cu adevărat locul în cadrul său. Controlul este o iluzie - lucru pe care-l veți afla foarte iute, dacă vă îmbolnăviți sau suferiți în vreun alt fel. Însă când ne înțelegem vulnerabilitatea și suferința ca fiind componente esențiale ale vieții umane, destinul nostru particular poate deveni mai ușor de gestionat.”
„Prea adesea, ceea ce merge bine trece neobservat.”
„În renunțare e un fel de pace.”
„Ne descurcăm cel mai fructuos cu o pierdere atunci când acceptăm faptul că, într-o zi, vom pierde totul. Când învățăm să cădem, aflăm că numai descleștând mâna de pe tot ceea ce considerăm prețios - realizările, planurile, cei dragi, însuși sinele nostru - putem găsi, în sfârșit, cea mai profundă libertate.”
„Dacă nu avem curajul de a ieși la lumină, atunci frica, anxietatea și rușinea vor umbri cel mai bun sine al nostru.”
June 19, 2024
3.5/5
"Nefericirea, spune Harriet Lerner, e alimentată de trei emoții-cheie: anxietatea, frica și rușinea. Toate apar neinvitate. Iar când greutățile sau necazurile dau iama în viața noastră, aceste trei emoții ne devin tovărași nedespărțiți."
Harriet explică aceste emoții, impactul lor asupra noastră. Vine cu povețe încurajatoare, cu niște povestioare frumoase în care pacientul ei învinge frica, anxietatea sau rușinea, mai ales rușinea față de propriul corp. Mi-a plăcut partea în care vorbește despre teama de refuz, teama de schimbare, curajul de a abandona trecutul. Mă așteptam puțin la altceva despre anxietate, dar e ok. Unele capitole nu prea mi-au stârnit mare interes.
Nu putem scăpa complet de aceste emoții, pentru că e o parte din natura noastră umană. Dar le putem gestiona. Frica și anxietatea de multe ori au salvat viața strămoșului nostru de diferite pericole. Acum trăim alte vremuri, mult mai sigure. Cu toate acestea, suntem atât de anxioși, dominați de frică, unde mai punem și rușinea despre care nici nu dorim să vorbim.
Curajul nu înseamnă absența fricii, anxietății, rușinii. Curajul înseamnă să acționezi în ciuda lor! Dacă am căzut, atunci să ne ridicăm! Să luptăm pentru ceea ce suntem, pentru valorile noastre! Mulți își ratează viața, oportunitățile din cauză că se lasă paralizați de frică. Curajul vine din interiorul tău, nu din afară. Ceilalți te pot susține, dar doar tu poți găsi puterea din tine.
"Fiecare ființă umană este unică în felul său și fiecare viață e neprețuită. N-am fost meniți să fim altcineva - ne-am născut să fim noi înșine. Toți ne confruntăm cu provocarea de a trăi viața pe care o avem, nu viața pe care ne-am dori s-o avem și nici măcar viața pe care credem c-o merităm. Prin urmare, trebuie să facem tot ce e necesar pentru a ne elibera de judecățile și comparațiile cauzate de anxietate. Viața e scurtă și niciunul din noi nu are timp de pierdut cu așa ceva."
"Nefericirea, spune Harriet Lerner, e alimentată de trei emoții-cheie: anxietatea, frica și rușinea. Toate apar neinvitate. Iar când greutățile sau necazurile dau iama în viața noastră, aceste trei emoții ne devin tovărași nedespărțiți."
Harriet explică aceste emoții, impactul lor asupra noastră. Vine cu povețe încurajatoare, cu niște povestioare frumoase în care pacientul ei învinge frica, anxietatea sau rușinea, mai ales rușinea față de propriul corp. Mi-a plăcut partea în care vorbește despre teama de refuz, teama de schimbare, curajul de a abandona trecutul. Mă așteptam puțin la altceva despre anxietate, dar e ok. Unele capitole nu prea mi-au stârnit mare interes.
Nu putem scăpa complet de aceste emoții, pentru că e o parte din natura noastră umană. Dar le putem gestiona. Frica și anxietatea de multe ori au salvat viața strămoșului nostru de diferite pericole. Acum trăim alte vremuri, mult mai sigure. Cu toate acestea, suntem atât de anxioși, dominați de frică, unde mai punem și rușinea despre care nici nu dorim să vorbim.
Curajul nu înseamnă absența fricii, anxietății, rușinii. Curajul înseamnă să acționezi în ciuda lor! Dacă am căzut, atunci să ne ridicăm! Să luptăm pentru ceea ce suntem, pentru valorile noastre! Mulți își ratează viața, oportunitățile din cauză că se lasă paralizați de frică. Curajul vine din interiorul tău, nu din afară. Ceilalți te pot susține, dar doar tu poți găsi puterea din tine.
"Fiecare ființă umană este unică în felul său și fiecare viață e neprețuită. N-am fost meniți să fim altcineva - ne-am născut să fim noi înșine. Toți ne confruntăm cu provocarea de a trăi viața pe care o avem, nu viața pe care ne-am dori s-o avem și nici măcar viața pe care credem c-o merităm. Prin urmare, trebuie să facem tot ce e necesar pentru a ne elibera de judecățile și comparațiile cauzate de anxietate. Viața e scurtă și niciunul din noi nu are timp de pierdut cu așa ceva."
February 2, 2017
Psychologist Lerner (The Dance of Anger) shrewdly characterizes leak anxiety, and shame–termed the big three–as ubiquitous and permanent; instead of trying to make them go away, we need to embrace them warily as potentially wise guides. With characteristic intimacy, Lerner encourages a dialog of sorts with frequent, effective questions and anecdotes, filling the book with superb insights (e.g., “Women have long been shamed for growing older”). Given Lerner’s reasonable approach–and the connection she fosters and sustains with readers–it is easy to forget that she offers little how-to. Instead, she illuminates the big three’s impact on important areas of life like change, sex drive, rejection, and illness. Demand will be deservedly high, given her high media profile, so heads up, public libraries.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
December 24, 2024
'Kõik on vaatenurga küsimus!
’Jee!’, hüüab kilpkonna seljas ratsutav tigu.'
'Läbi evolutsiooni ajaloo on hirm ja ärevus aidanud kõikidel liikidel ettevaatlikum olla ja ellu jääda.
Hirm võib meile märku anda, et on aeg tegutsemisek, või vastupidi, tegutsemise impulsile vastu seismiseks.'
’Tõsi, mõnikord diagnoosida piisavalt valeliku, agressiivse või purustava tegutsemise ’käitumishäireks’. Aga kuidas on lood laialt levinud vähem värvikate viisidega teise või enda arvelt tegutseda?
Mida on öelda nende võimupositsioonidel olevate inimeste kohta, kes teevad teadlikult omakasu taga ajades teistele haiget? Või inimesed, kes ei näe ega suuda tähele panna nende perekonnas, kogukonnas või maailmas aset leidvaid ohtlikke ja ebaõiglasi sündmusi?’ ...
'Kui ärevus meie toimimist segab, loetakse see psüühikahäireks. Aga kõige ohtlikumat kõigist emotsioonidest, ükskõiksust, ei diagnoosita kuidagi.'
'Laiemas plaanis oleme me maailmas vaid silmapilgu, ja seda olenemata sellest, kas sureme ühe- või saja-aastaselt.'
’Jee!’, hüüab kilpkonna seljas ratsutav tigu.'
'Läbi evolutsiooni ajaloo on hirm ja ärevus aidanud kõikidel liikidel ettevaatlikum olla ja ellu jääda.
Hirm võib meile märku anda, et on aeg tegutsemisek, või vastupidi, tegutsemise impulsile vastu seismiseks.'
’Tõsi, mõnikord diagnoosida piisavalt valeliku, agressiivse või purustava tegutsemise ’käitumishäireks’. Aga kuidas on lood laialt levinud vähem värvikate viisidega teise või enda arvelt tegutseda?
Mida on öelda nende võimupositsioonidel olevate inimeste kohta, kes teevad teadlikult omakasu taga ajades teistele haiget? Või inimesed, kes ei näe ega suuda tähele panna nende perekonnas, kogukonnas või maailmas aset leidvaid ohtlikke ja ebaõiglasi sündmusi?’ ...
'Kui ärevus meie toimimist segab, loetakse see psüühikahäireks. Aga kõige ohtlikumat kõigist emotsioonidest, ükskõiksust, ei diagnoosita kuidagi.'
'Laiemas plaanis oleme me maailmas vaid silmapilgu, ja seda olenemata sellest, kas sureme ühe- või saja-aastaselt.'
June 23, 2025
Această carte mi-a lăsat un gust amar, în ciuda reputației autoarei și a temei promițătoare. Potrivit descrierii, "Dansul fricii" îşi propune să exploreze anxietatea, rușinea și frica — dar în opinia mea o face într-un mod superficial, repetitiv și adesea vag. Ideile sunt generale, fără prea multă profunzime sau aplicabilitate practică. Multe capitole se pierd în exemple personale care, în loc să clarifice, par să umple paginile fără un scop clar.
Din păcate, experiența de lectură a fost afectată și mai mult de calitatea slabă a traducerii în limba română. Am întâlnit numeroase greșeli de tipar și chiar greșeli gramaticale, ceea ce a făcut lectura greoaie și uneori frustrantă. O carte despre emoții dificile ar merita un tratament editorial mai atent.
I-am oferit 3 stele doar pentru câteva idei utile presărate ici-colo și pentru tonul empatic al autoarei. Dar, în general, nu este o lectură pe care aș recomanda-o celor care caută conținut solid și bine structurat în domeniul dezvoltării personale.
Din păcate, experiența de lectură a fost afectată și mai mult de calitatea slabă a traducerii în limba română. Am întâlnit numeroase greșeli de tipar și chiar greșeli gramaticale, ceea ce a făcut lectura greoaie și uneori frustrantă. O carte despre emoții dificile ar merita un tratament editorial mai atent.
I-am oferit 3 stele doar pentru câteva idei utile presărate ici-colo și pentru tonul empatic al autoarei. Dar, în general, nu este o lectură pe care aș recomanda-o celor care caută conținut solid și bine structurat în domeniul dezvoltării personale.
January 6, 2020
One of Harriet Lerner’s shorter books, it is nevertheless a helpful guide for all of us (literally all of us) who struggle with anxiety. Framed by her classic concepts of overfunctioning, underfuctioning, and triangulation, Lerner explores the role that fear, anxiety, and grief play in our work and family environments.
I found it helpful to consider the ways I manage my anxiety around different topics and in different contexts, becoming aware of how others are managing their anxiety, and learning new tools for managing these emotions more constructively.
A quick and helpful read, recommend if you are familiar with Harriet Lerner’s concepts. If you are new to Lerner’s work, I would recommend starting with the Dance of Anger or the Dance of Intimacy.
I found it helpful to consider the ways I manage my anxiety around different topics and in different contexts, becoming aware of how others are managing their anxiety, and learning new tools for managing these emotions more constructively.
A quick and helpful read, recommend if you are familiar with Harriet Lerner’s concepts. If you are new to Lerner’s work, I would recommend starting with the Dance of Anger or the Dance of Intimacy.
November 3, 2020
Among many of Dr. Lerner's strengths, pragmatism shines forth as one of the most abundant and impactful. So often I find myself struggling with all of life's difficulties, and there is just this advice given that feels like it speaks directly to my experience and situation. If you've read her other books, this isn't new information, but her principled approach to self regulation, finding a clear voice, managing anxiety in self, relationships, and relational groups always leaves me with some instructive wisdom to meditate on and guiding virtues for my future actions to live in. When I feel like I don't know what the next step is, Harriet always gives me a way to think about how to take it.
May 15, 2021
Harriet Lerner 'ın okuduğum 2.kitabı.
Ilk kitabı Bağlantı Dansı ile hayatımdaki ilişkilere başka bir acıdan bakmayı ve kendi sesimi bulup bunu nasıl daha iyi ifade edeceğim konusunda büyük bir farkındalık yaratmıştı.
Korku Dansı ile yazar korkunun altında yatan kaygı ve utanç duygusundan bahsediyor.Korkunun herkes için kaçınılmaz bir duygu olduğunu ve hayatta kalmamız için gerekliliğini danışanlarının örnekleri ile anlatıyor. Yazarın kitaplarında sevdiğim şeylerden biri yazarın bolca kendi hayatından da örnek vermesi oldu.Sizinle empati yapabilecek bir insan görmek bence kitaptan faydalanma noktasında daha verimli oluyor.
Ilk kitabı Bağlantı Dansı ile hayatımdaki ilişkilere başka bir acıdan bakmayı ve kendi sesimi bulup bunu nasıl daha iyi ifade edeceğim konusunda büyük bir farkındalık yaratmıştı.
Korku Dansı ile yazar korkunun altında yatan kaygı ve utanç duygusundan bahsediyor.Korkunun herkes için kaçınılmaz bir duygu olduğunu ve hayatta kalmamız için gerekliliğini danışanlarının örnekleri ile anlatıyor. Yazarın kitaplarında sevdiğim şeylerden biri yazarın bolca kendi hayatından da örnek vermesi oldu.Sizinle empati yapabilecek bir insan görmek bence kitaptan faydalanma noktasında daha verimli oluyor.
April 26, 2024
,, Pentru a evita experienţa rușinii, vinovații se vor înfășura în multe straturi de raţionalizare şi negare. Ei vor acuza pe altcineva sau chiar vor nega complet că s-a intâmplat ceva rău. Rușinea - spre deosebire de vinovăţie - e resimţită ca fiind atât de greu de suportat, încât majoritatea oamenilor care le-au provocat altora niște răni grave nici măcar nu vor ,ajunge" la ea. Din acest motiv, ei vor rămâne incapabili să-și vadă contribuţia la vătămarea unui alt membru de familie Cei mai mulţi oameni sunt capabili să ceară iertare pentru ce-au făcut (vinovăția lor). Prea puţini sunt în stare să ceară iertare pentru ceea ce sunt (ruşinea lor). "
Read
June 14, 2024Is this my favorite Harriet Lerner? No. It felt a bit more scattered and less focused (and in that sense, maybe more broadranging and ambitious) than others. Did it have insights that wowed me and changed my life like her other books? Less so. Do I still love every single things she writes? Yes yes yes. Did this have lots of nuggets that *directly* relate to struggles I am going through at this exact moment? Yes. It's never a waste of time to read Harriet Lerner. She is just such a wonderful and insightful writer and thinker.
I enjoyed the stories, too. As always, especially the ones about herself.
I enjoyed the stories, too. As always, especially the ones about herself.
May 13, 2018
"Change is an anxiety-arousing business because whenever you make a change, you can't make only one. There is no guarantee where it will stop."
This resonated with me a great deal as did the majority of the first half of the book. This book speaks to basic everyday anxiety, fear and shame that as the author points out, is human and I found myself writing down quotes and insights for later reference. This book is not a cure for major phobias or major anxiety disorders but has many helpful strategies for coping with daily life.
This resonated with me a great deal as did the majority of the first half of the book. This book speaks to basic everyday anxiety, fear and shame that as the author points out, is human and I found myself writing down quotes and insights for later reference. This book is not a cure for major phobias or major anxiety disorders but has many helpful strategies for coping with daily life.
June 7, 2024
“‘Stressed’ is the codeword for ‘totally freaked out’ for people who are allergic to identifying and sharing their own vulnerability.”
Normalizing, warm, and educational! This book (and the author’s humor/vulnerability) resonated in such a precise way, chapter after chapter. Too many quotes and points I’d like to memorize, share, and sing from the hilltops to all my human family. I particularly enjoyed the part on over/under functioning and on anxious workplace systems, as well as the material on shame and courage.
Normalizing, warm, and educational! This book (and the author’s humor/vulnerability) resonated in such a precise way, chapter after chapter. Too many quotes and points I’d like to memorize, share, and sing from the hilltops to all my human family. I particularly enjoyed the part on over/under functioning and on anxious workplace systems, as well as the material on shame and courage.
June 28, 2018
The book discusses anxiety, fear, and shame in everyday life. The author approaches the subject with a feminist perspective, which I think is absolutely necessary. It was very helpful for me and contained many useful insights.
_____
Quotes:
"The degree to which Jane gets down on herself in a judgmental way is a good measure of the amount of stress she's under, and a signal that she needs to redirect her attention toward identifying and working on the real problems."
"...you need to know that you can survive without a particular job, if need be. You must be prepared to leave. Many people feel they can't live without their jobs, but when they must, most manage to find a way to survive, and even to generate creative new options they never knew existed. If you're convinced you can't live without your job, then you can't really act on your principles, say what you think and feel, and maintain a clear bottom line. you will be vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and a host of stress-related physical ailments - all symptoms of helplessness. By contrast, when you recognize that you will ultimately survive without any particular job, you gain enormous power."
"Shame breeds more shame as it locks a person, or a whole group of people, into silence and secrecy."
"Whatever is shamed, stigmatized, or misunderstood in the larger culture gets absorbed as someone's personal shame."
"The higher the anxiety in any system, the less tolerance people have for inclusiveness, complexity, and difference. When you live in a culture of fear, you will likely want to huddle in a little family or village where everyone is just like you."
"...a kind of a self-deprecating humor that is actually empowering because it strips away something hidden for everyone to see and refuses to skulk around in silence and fear."
"When it comes to fighting shame, sticking together is the most powerful force imaginable."
"Most of us seek help from experts when we haven't begun to do the things we know we need to do for ourselves."
"Sometimes, the most courageous thing you can do is simply to sit with unclarity and confusion for as long as you need to, resisting pressures from others to speak or act before you are ready."
"...when unhappiness arrives, courage is right around the corner. But if you don't let yourself admit to and feel the pain you're in , you will never get the gift of enough courage to do what you really want to do."
"We all need role models who inspire courage by sharing both their strength and their vulnerability. We inspire others by doing the same."
"I am neither drawn to, nor inspired by, folks who always seem to be competent and having a good day."
"...rather than giving us courage, they (the good people in our lives) help us to remember the courage we already have, and inspire us to act on it."
"...calming down is an essential first step to accurately perceiving a problem and deciding what to do about it. But the last thing you need to do is shut yourself off from fear and pain - either your own or the world's. If there is one overriding reason that our relationships and our world are in such a terrible mess, it's that we try to get rid of our anxiety, fear, and shame as fast as possible, regardless of the long-term consequences. In doing so, we blame and shame others, and, in countless ways, we unwittingly act at the expense of the self, the other, and the web of relationships we operate in."
_____
Quotes:
"The degree to which Jane gets down on herself in a judgmental way is a good measure of the amount of stress she's under, and a signal that she needs to redirect her attention toward identifying and working on the real problems."
"...you need to know that you can survive without a particular job, if need be. You must be prepared to leave. Many people feel they can't live without their jobs, but when they must, most manage to find a way to survive, and even to generate creative new options they never knew existed. If you're convinced you can't live without your job, then you can't really act on your principles, say what you think and feel, and maintain a clear bottom line. you will be vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and a host of stress-related physical ailments - all symptoms of helplessness. By contrast, when you recognize that you will ultimately survive without any particular job, you gain enormous power."
"Shame breeds more shame as it locks a person, or a whole group of people, into silence and secrecy."
"Whatever is shamed, stigmatized, or misunderstood in the larger culture gets absorbed as someone's personal shame."
"The higher the anxiety in any system, the less tolerance people have for inclusiveness, complexity, and difference. When you live in a culture of fear, you will likely want to huddle in a little family or village where everyone is just like you."
"...a kind of a self-deprecating humor that is actually empowering because it strips away something hidden for everyone to see and refuses to skulk around in silence and fear."
"When it comes to fighting shame, sticking together is the most powerful force imaginable."
"Most of us seek help from experts when we haven't begun to do the things we know we need to do for ourselves."
"Sometimes, the most courageous thing you can do is simply to sit with unclarity and confusion for as long as you need to, resisting pressures from others to speak or act before you are ready."
"...when unhappiness arrives, courage is right around the corner. But if you don't let yourself admit to and feel the pain you're in , you will never get the gift of enough courage to do what you really want to do."
"We all need role models who inspire courage by sharing both their strength and their vulnerability. We inspire others by doing the same."
"I am neither drawn to, nor inspired by, folks who always seem to be competent and having a good day."
"...rather than giving us courage, they (the good people in our lives) help us to remember the courage we already have, and inspire us to act on it."
"...calming down is an essential first step to accurately perceiving a problem and deciding what to do about it. But the last thing you need to do is shut yourself off from fear and pain - either your own or the world's. If there is one overriding reason that our relationships and our world are in such a terrible mess, it's that we try to get rid of our anxiety, fear, and shame as fast as possible, regardless of the long-term consequences. In doing so, we blame and shame others, and, in countless ways, we unwittingly act at the expense of the self, the other, and the web of relationships we operate in."
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