Back when I was a much younger man and fresh off the plane here in Japan, a good friend of mine and I would often commiserate, over more than a few beers, about our lives on these shores.
Knowing my friend as I did, I knew that the conversation would eventually devolve into a drunken litany of interrogative “Would you rather~~?” questions. “Would you rather be a time traveling brick or have an endless tongue?”. “Would you rather be locked in a room with 20 angry chicken sized horses or 1 angry horse sized chicken?”. And on it would go.
This book is like my friendship with him. Writ large.
It is not in the traditional sense a novel in that there is no real narrative structure, beginning or ending. And yet at the same time it is very much a novel in that there is our narrator (Padgett) who in the course of relentlessly lobbing seemingly unrelated questions at you, reveals a lot about himself (he is extremely interested in bluejays, old roller skates, pine needles, and model trains). By the time you reach the final page, you realize that the main character is in fact yourself, and the “story” being told is your own through a series of questions that range from the nonsensical (If you were to participate in a spice war, what spice would you fight for?), to the intensely personal(Under what circumstances would you kill yourself, and what means might you use?).
Is this book “gimmicky”, as I’ve seen it criticized for being? In the sense that it is quite unlike what we are accustomed to expect to a novel, yes I suppose it is. Yet, can any book that makes you think about who you are and how you got here really be described as a gimmick? Even if it was, would it matter?
In recognition of the non traditional approach this book takes, I want to close my review by answering 10 questions (among hundreds to choose from) posed by the author. If the mood strikes you, would you also like to answer them? Does this sound enjoyable?
1) If you had the chance, and there weren’t the certain prospect of time in court or jail in these our litigious times, wouldn’t you like to participate in a rumble?
-Perhaps.
2) Is there a name to complete this progression: Rasputin, Robespierre, Robbe-Grillet, Robert Goulet, and…..?
-Roberto Bolano?
3) Will you readily neuter an animal? Do you find teachers of math dangerously seductive? Does a package wrapped in red ribbon bode better than one in blue? Will you wear polyester? Is it time I go? Are we done here? Have you had as good a time as I?
-Never. No. Definitely. I have and will. I hope not. Not yet. Absolutely.
4) If it might be fairly said that you have hopes and fears, would you say you have more hopes than fears, or more fears than hopes?
-At times more fears than hope but rarely feel like all hope is lost.
5) Do you view extreme sports as legitimate enterprises or are they just imprudent fucking around until you get hurt? Can the same question not be asked of sexual consort?
-Imprudent fucking around until you get hurt. There have been times…..
6) If I said to you, ‘I want to return to 1940 and have a big coupe with big running boards and drive it drunkenly and carefully along dirt roads never causing harm except for frightening chickens out of the road, and I want you standing out there on the running board saying Slow down, or Let me in, and laughing, but I don’t stop, because of course you don’t mean it, you think as I do that a big 1940s coupe and careful drunken driving and one party outside the car and one inside and both laughing and chickens spraying unhurt into the ditches is what life was then, is what life was before it became ruined by us and all our crap’, and if I said to you, ‘I have an actual goddamned time machine, I am not kidding, we can get in the coupe inside thirty seconds if we take off our clothes and push the red button underneath that computer over there, come on, strip, get ready’, would you get ready to go with me, and go? Would you ask a lot of questions? Or would you just say, ‘Shut up and push the button’?
-Yes, when do we leave? No. Push the button.
7) Wasn’t the world better when the term ‘haberdasher’ was current? For that matter, when butter churns were in use? How did we go so wrong? Wasn’t there a day on earth when not every soul was possessed of his or her own petty political and personal-identity agenda? Do you still do candles for your birthday?
-Without a doubt. Not sure about that. I often ask myself the same thing. Was there? I wish.
8) Is there enough time left? Does it matter that I do not specify for what? Was there ever enough time? Was there once too much? Does the notion of ‘enough time’ actually make any sense? Does it suggest we had things to do and could not do them for reasons other than that we were incompetents? Did we have things to do? Things better done than not? Thus, important things? Are there important things? Are we as a species rolling together the great dungball of the importantly done into itself and making thereby a better world for the dungball rollers to follow us?
-Yes. Yes. No. Never. Not to me. Almost certainly. We like to think so. Perhaps. To us perhaps. Undoubtedly.
9) If you learned that you were vying within a love triangle with a Navy SEAL, would you be concerned? Could you be depended upon, in a love triangle with a SEAL, to down a goodly quaff of schnapps and say, ‘He might outkill me but he shan’t outlove me!’?
-Yes. Almost certainly yes, and why do you assume that I haven’t already?
10) Have you seen a person recently so delicious-looking that, were you and this person to be scrambling for ice-cream change with your arms in the sofa and your faces laid on the cushions looking at each other as you felt for coins and the ice-cream truck dinged on by and your hands in there felt only the lint of the sofa scrofula and your faces were fairly close across a distance of that knobby nylon terrain, you might feel compelled to slide your face toward this delicious-looking person’s and kiss him or her. Have you seen anyone like this recently?
-If I say yes, do I have to say who?