Healthy Dependency: Leaning on Others Without Losing Yourself

by Robert F. Bornstein, Mary A. Languirand

From the psychologist who coined the phrase "healthy dependency"—the first and only book that outlines its four key steps and helps readers understand and use these principles to achieve balance in love, in friendships, with family, and at work. The research is Too much dependency in our relationships can be a bad thing, but too little dependency is just as bad. Healthy dependency—that flexible middle ground between rigid independence and unhealthy overdependence—is the ability to balance intimacy and autonomy, lean on others while maintaining a strong sense of self, and feel good (not guilty) about asking for help when you need it. The authors' studies confirm that healthy dependency brings a wealth of positive effects This unique book, meticulously organized and laced throughout with case studies, anecdotes, relationship-style questionnaires, and research findings, draws from the authors' more than 20 years of research and clinical experience. A valuable guide to achieving healthy relationships between men and women of all ages, it will help readers identify where they are on the relationship continuum, and understand the skills they will need to address in order to strengthen their personal, professional, and family relationships.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology

272 pages, Hardcover

First published December 31, 2002

Reviews

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

I once inadvertently kept the first author waiting a few extra mins. when we were going out to lunch, because my pickup basketball game ran long. He was very gracious about it, but it's not just for that reason that I say this is a good book. The all-purpose adage "moderation in all things" applies to interpersonal dependency as well. I think the authors are correct that dependency has gotten a bad rap as entirely reflecting helplessness and lack of self-reliance. They underscore the downside of excessive dependency but also the downside of detachment from others. Being able to seek and give help and support without being helpless is their touchstone.

they apply this idea to work, friendships, love relationships, aging and caregiver stress, etc. Bornstein has done a lot of the best research on dependent personality, and the book reflects these studies as well as engaging clinical cases.

If you're not specifically interested in working on a problem of being too dependent or too detached, some of the lists/definitions/guidelines may be skimmable, but even if you're just reading for information value rather than self-help the overall perspective is valuable and the cases highly readable.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars
It's a bit outdated (but what else can you expect from a book published in 2003?). That said, they present the research in an easy to read format that is decently engaging as well. I really liked the stories, though I got a bit confused as to who was who sometimes because they're mostly at the beginning of the chapters. The first part of the book was fascinating where they outline their research into dependency and its different forms. The chapters on healthy dependency in different parts of life were less interesting to me, and I skimmed them. I think this book gave me a nice foundation and serves as a good reference for if/when the issues arise in my life or those of my clients. Nothing specifc I'll be implementing I don't think, yet I learned more about myself and feel validated in the growth I have made and the attachment work I continue to do.