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240 pages, Hardcover
First published January 14, 2020
I felt lucky, he said, I expected the whole time that I would mess it up, that our friendship would burn out the way my friendships would always burn out... I understood him entirely, and it seemed to me the intimacy he had drawn between us deepened further, becoming a sort of kinship, which I greeted with both welcome and dread.This book catches you off-guard with the nonchalant way it delivers heartbreak. These daily pains that we walk with, poverty, ended relationships, job rejections, our narrator encounters them and treats them with the same pragmatism, despair and disdain. Pain knows no geography. You can get your heart broken in Paris just as easily as you can in Nairobi. The difference is, in Paris, the lights will distract you. For a moment, the city will be a beacon of art, romance, culture. In Nairobi, you will get robbed.
the intensity you feel now will be like a puzzle you can't solve, a puzzle it finally isn't worth your while to solve. I was speaking of myself, of course, of my own experience with love, with overwhelming love that had made me at times such a stranger to myself...Which of course, G. with all the brashness and ineptitude of youth dismisses,
I don't want to feel it less, he said, I don't want it to stop, I don't want it to seem like it wasn't real. It would be for nothing if that happened, he said, I don't want it to be a dream, I want it to be real, all of it. And who else could I love... who could I love as much? What life could I want except for that life... what other life than that could I bear?I understood where G. was coming from. Maybe better than most. And for the first time in my life, I didn't argue. there would be loss in loving another.
Sex had never been joyful for me before, or almost never, it had always been fraught with shame and anxiety and fear, all of which vanished at the sight of his smile, simply vanished, it poured a kind of cleanness over everything we did.This is perhaps the most poignant part of the book. The one that had me shedding tears on the bus while I listened to Norah Jones. THIS part is the reason why anyone should read this book. Even though our narrator is a remarkable teacher. A talented observer who finds words to articulate feelings we never even knew we felt,
he must have been quiet as he moved the furniture. I caught my breath at it, I felt a weird pressure and heat climb my throat. I felt like my heart would burst, those were the words for it, the hackneyed phrase, and I was grateful for them, they were a container for what I felt, proof of its commonness. I was grateful for that, too, the commonness of my feeling; I felt some stubborn strangeness in me ease, I felt like part of the human race.And of course other gems like, there was so much pleasure in being a fool, why had I spent so much of my life guarding against it? which of course mean more to me than they would another reader.
Z. chose a pillar the right height and sat the carton on top of it, making me suck my breath between my teeth. What, he asked, and I said something about its antiquity, how it was thousands of years old and he was using it as his table. N. laughed. All this time in Bulgaria, he said, and you're still such an American. We have stuff like this everywhere, he said, if we couldn't touch it we couldn't live.What good is art, if you can't live it?
"But none of this was right, I rejected the phrases even as they formed, not just because they were objectionable in themselves but because none of them answered his real fear, which was true, I thought: that we can never be sure of what we want, I mean of the authenticity of it, of its purity in relation to ourselves."