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Here I Am
After spending a night with his mother's dead body, a six-year-old boy stows away on an ocean liner.
Sometimes I forget that MyMum is dead. But that is probably better than remembering.
When Frankie’s mother dies, the six-year-old comes up with a plan: go to France, find a police station, and ask the officers to ring his father—and so begins Giller-nominated Pauline Holdstock’s eighth novel. Narrated in turns by Frankie, who likes cheese, numbers, the sea when it’s pink and “smooth like counting,” and being alone when he feels bad, and a cast of characters that includes his Gran and his father, Here I Am! is a mesmerizing story about innocence lost and found.
Sometimes I forget that MyMum is dead. But that is probably better than remembering.
When Frankie’s mother dies, the six-year-old comes up with a plan: go to France, find a police station, and ask the officers to ring his father—and so begins Giller-nominated Pauline Holdstock’s eighth novel. Narrated in turns by Frankie, who likes cheese, numbers, the sea when it’s pink and “smooth like counting,” and being alone when he feels bad, and a cast of characters that includes his Gran and his father, Here I Am! is a mesmerizing story about innocence lost and found.
256 pages, Paperback
First published September 24, 2019
9 people are currently reading
254 people want to read
About the author
Pauline Holdstock
27 books15 followersPauline Holdstock is a Canadian citizen who has lived in Canada for over thirty years. She writes novels, short fiction and essays. Her books have been published in the U.K, the U.S., Brazil, Portugal, Australia and Germany, as well as in Canada, where CBC’s 'The Arts Tonight' has featured her work.
Pauline’s short fiction has appeared in numerous literary magazines.
The Hunter And The Wild Girl, Winner of the City of Victoria Butler Book Prize Prize, is her most recent novel.
Her novel, Beyond Measure, was a finalist for the 2004 Giller Prize and the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize, Canada and Caribbean Region. It won the BC Book Prizes Ethel Wilson Award for Fiction in 2005.
A recent novella, The World of Light Where We Live, was the winner of the Malahat Review 2006 Novella Contest.
Pauline Holdstock also writes non-fiction. Her essays and book reviews have appeared in Canada’s national newspapers and have been broadcast on CBC radio. She was the winner of the Prairie Fire Personal Journalism Prize, 2000.
Pauline has taught at the Victoria School of Writing and at the University of Victoria. She has served on the faculty of the Banff Centre Wired Writing Studio, and the Banff Centre’s Writing with Style program.
Pauline’s short fiction has appeared in numerous literary magazines.
The Hunter And The Wild Girl, Winner of the City of Victoria Butler Book Prize Prize, is her most recent novel.
Her novel, Beyond Measure, was a finalist for the 2004 Giller Prize and the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize, Canada and Caribbean Region. It won the BC Book Prizes Ethel Wilson Award for Fiction in 2005.
A recent novella, The World of Light Where We Live, was the winner of the Malahat Review 2006 Novella Contest.
Pauline Holdstock also writes non-fiction. Her essays and book reviews have appeared in Canada’s national newspapers and have been broadcast on CBC radio. She was the winner of the Prairie Fire Personal Journalism Prize, 2000.
Pauline has taught at the Victoria School of Writing and at the University of Victoria. She has served on the faculty of the Banff Centre Wired Writing Studio, and the Banff Centre’s Writing with Style program.
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
August 3, 2019
This is a short book and it soon becomes obvious that six year old Frankie is part of a family dealing with some tough issues that he doesn’t quite understand. Most of the people around him don’t understand him, except maybe his mother. His father is not around much and most of the time doesn’t understand him. Frankie is smart, can remember and recite back word for word of a news cast, loves numbers, and has been reading since he was two. Clearly, he is a special child, but he has some emotional issues, too. His teacher who is not the kindest, has no patience for his precociousness. She ignores him at a time of need, when he tells her his mother is dead. He believes his only recourse is to run away to France and call his father from there to come and meet him, so he stows away on a cruise ship.
The story is told in alternating points of view - his father Len, his Gran, his teacher, and it is through their narratives that we get a sense of what has been happening in this family that Frankie doesn’t understand. But this is mostly Frankie’s narrative, his story of his time on the ship, his beautiful friendship with a blind man and his dog, his telling of the day he found his mother lying still. The trauma of a child’s first experience with death and grief is heartbreaking at times seen through the eyes and words of a six year old. The specter of drug addiction, marital problems are a part of the story as well. The story is also about compassion, acceptance, friendship. I enjoy child narrators and Frankie stole my heart.
I received an advanced copy of this book from Biolioasis through Edelweiss
August 22, 2019
Sometimes I forget that MyMum is dead. But that is probably better than remembering.
Frankie is a young boy, only six years old as this story begins, and his life has just been turned upside down. His father’s work is so far away it makes it hard for them to build or maintain a close father-son relationship. He has no real friends, none near his home, or at school. He is a smart boy, special in many gifts, and special in terms of special needs.
Identifying personal dilemmas and figuring out how to solve them is not something a six-year-old boy should have to know. He tries to get help through his teacher, but she finds him annoying, personally and socially awkward, and does not believe that he learned to read at the age of two, or is gifted in any sense. He tries again the next day and is rebuffed once again. So, given everything that Frankie thinks is true, he decides to make his way to France and find the police, and then they can contact his father. And so he walks onto a cruise ship, which he believes will take him to France, and quickly stows away.
The story is told from various points of view, through Frankie’s Gran, his father Len, his teacher, which fills in the story a little more as we see things that Frankie hasn’t seen or remembered. Still, this is mostly Frankie’s story, shared by him. Through Frankie we meet the people he meets on the ship, a blind man who befriends him, as well as the man’s service dog who accepts Frankie, his escapades to find places to sleep, things to eat and ways stay out of any trouble. I could see the night skies, feel the swells of the ocean, and bask in the warmth of the compassion that is extended to him, as well as by him. The giving of and acceptance of friendship.
Frankie stole a little bit of my heart, although I typically enjoy child narrators, some are more special than others. Frankie is wonderful storyteller, a bit reminiscent of another special boy in Monica Wood’s The One in a Million Boy.
Pub Date: 21 Jan 2020
Many thanks for the ARC provided by Biblioasis / Consortium Book Sales & Distribution through Edelweiss
Frankie is a young boy, only six years old as this story begins, and his life has just been turned upside down. His father’s work is so far away it makes it hard for them to build or maintain a close father-son relationship. He has no real friends, none near his home, or at school. He is a smart boy, special in many gifts, and special in terms of special needs.
Identifying personal dilemmas and figuring out how to solve them is not something a six-year-old boy should have to know. He tries to get help through his teacher, but she finds him annoying, personally and socially awkward, and does not believe that he learned to read at the age of two, or is gifted in any sense. He tries again the next day and is rebuffed once again. So, given everything that Frankie thinks is true, he decides to make his way to France and find the police, and then they can contact his father. And so he walks onto a cruise ship, which he believes will take him to France, and quickly stows away.
The story is told from various points of view, through Frankie’s Gran, his father Len, his teacher, which fills in the story a little more as we see things that Frankie hasn’t seen or remembered. Still, this is mostly Frankie’s story, shared by him. Through Frankie we meet the people he meets on the ship, a blind man who befriends him, as well as the man’s service dog who accepts Frankie, his escapades to find places to sleep, things to eat and ways stay out of any trouble. I could see the night skies, feel the swells of the ocean, and bask in the warmth of the compassion that is extended to him, as well as by him. The giving of and acceptance of friendship.
Frankie stole a little bit of my heart, although I typically enjoy child narrators, some are more special than others. Frankie is wonderful storyteller, a bit reminiscent of another special boy in Monica Wood’s The One in a Million Boy.
Pub Date: 21 Jan 2020
Many thanks for the ARC provided by Biblioasis / Consortium Book Sales & Distribution through Edelweiss
May 4, 2020
I’m struggling with the rating on this book. I didn’t love the flow of the book, but as it is written primarily from a five year old’s perspective, that is perhaps to be expected. The main character, Frankie, did resonate and will, I think, for a while. Hence the four stars. Frankie’s Mum dies early in the book and, with his dad out town, he has no one home to handle it. His teacher won’t listen so he boards a transatlantic ship looking for his Dad. Frankie has a very literal view of the world and adults mystify him. He made me look at how I view the world and at how I listen to and understand the kids in my world.
October 17, 2019
"I will tell you first how I got on board without a ticket...." I picked this up just before heading out for a road trip, thinking that it was a most fitting first line.
Frankie is someone that thinks like an adult and doesn't care that the world around him might think he's just kid. He discovers one morning that his mother isn't just sleeping in her big chair. Once at school, he tells his teachers of his discovery but no one is listening because he's only six, and he's Frankie.
Quickly, he devises a plan unlike any other, because that was what he was promised! Setting off a grand adventure of a lifetime, only he forgets to tell his Dad.
You will find that this high-seas adventure is one of the most absorbing books of the year. I loved every moment.
Oh! I almost forgot to tell you: This book might remind you of past favorites, but it will be one that you won’t soon forget.
Frankie is someone that thinks like an adult and doesn't care that the world around him might think he's just kid. He discovers one morning that his mother isn't just sleeping in her big chair. Once at school, he tells his teachers of his discovery but no one is listening because he's only six, and he's Frankie.
Quickly, he devises a plan unlike any other, because that was what he was promised! Setting off a grand adventure of a lifetime, only he forgets to tell his Dad.
You will find that this high-seas adventure is one of the most absorbing books of the year. I loved every moment.
Oh! I almost forgot to tell you: This book might remind you of past favorites, but it will be one that you won’t soon forget.
August 17, 2020
For the first 100 or so pages I just couldn't enjoy this book. Maybe because I was distracted, maybe I just didn't see the many puzzle pieces which made this book quote enjoyable. I am glad I didn't stop reading it before I could connect all the dots. Frankie is not everyone's cup of tea. But he is a perplexing protagonist and yes enjoyable and oh so independent. It took me a while to figure out the cover of this book and now since I have I can't stop thinking about it! Here I am is a tale of a five year old boy coming to terms with his mother's death. But give it a little bit and it pulls you in, where you start caring for the precocious boy.
March 31, 2020
Some may cringe at the thought of reading a book written in the voice of a six-year-old, but once you get past the simplistic dialogue and extraneous words, the story behind the boy is a spectacular one. For those who read Room by Emma Donoghue and enjoyed it, you’ll understand the pleasure in ‘looking behind the words’ to determine what’s really going on. Obviously six-year-old boys don’t always understand what they’re experiencing, but an adult audience can easily pick up on the undertones of conversations our young hero recalls. Luckily, the protagonist and narrator of Here I Am! by Pauline Holdstock also has a great sense of humour, so what could be tiresome inner musings are transformed into quirky observations any age can appreciate.
Frankie has made an unfortunate discovery; his mother has died overnight while his father is away on business. Because his parents have both been overly focused on their own problems, Frankie’s become a very independent six-year-old, so he goes to school on his own for two days. Each day he tells his teacher what’s happened, both times she does not believe him, so he runs away and boards a cruise ship in hopes of finding his Dad. Because it was the early ’60s Frankie successfully boards the boat independently, but not surprisingly it’s not headed where he hoped to go. Primarily the novel follows Frankie’s week on the ship and the adventures a young boy has on a ship headed across the Atlantic Ocean, but we also get short chapters written from the perspective of a few other people. Frankie’s father Len returns home and discovers his wife has died and his son is missing; Frankie’s grandmother is sick with worry over her grandson, and Miss Kenney is the selfish teacher who quickly realizes her terrible mistake once the search for Frankie becomes official. Each P.O.V. helps break up the challenge of reading a book written from a child’s perspective as well as rounding out the narrative and adding backstory to Frankie’s current predicament.
Frankie is special; he’s incredibly adept at numbers and learned to read at an extremely young age. But he’s also a typical and curious young boy so he asks lots of questions and never shuts up. His flashbacks to his home life are both pitiful and joyful. His mother clearly treasured him, fiercely defending him against skeptical teachers and cruel classmates, but she suffered from various addictions and mental health disorders so could not be relied on to provide a stable home. His father loved him as well, but was preoccupied with a disintegration marriage and putting his own needs first. The back and forth between Frankie’s precarious present and slightly-less precarious past keeps the pages turning, I was riveted the entire way through the book. Holdstock is not only masterful at creating well-rounded characters, but she’s also adept at plotting a narrative that could easily drift into boredom in less-skilled hands.
My one complaint about the book is the ending; it’s written by Frankie as an adult, reminiscing on his childhood adventure. I didn’t want to know the outcome of his actions, and how things played out for the characters. The recollection downplayed the significance of the event, taking away some of its child-like wonder. Obviously that’s an entirely personal preference, and many readers enjoy the tying up of loose ends, so don’t let my complaint scare you away from a magical little read.
To read the rest of my reviews, please visit my website:
https://ivereadthis.com/
Or follow me on twitter:
https://twitter.com/ivereadthisblog
Or join my online book club!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ivere...
Frankie has made an unfortunate discovery; his mother has died overnight while his father is away on business. Because his parents have both been overly focused on their own problems, Frankie’s become a very independent six-year-old, so he goes to school on his own for two days. Each day he tells his teacher what’s happened, both times she does not believe him, so he runs away and boards a cruise ship in hopes of finding his Dad. Because it was the early ’60s Frankie successfully boards the boat independently, but not surprisingly it’s not headed where he hoped to go. Primarily the novel follows Frankie’s week on the ship and the adventures a young boy has on a ship headed across the Atlantic Ocean, but we also get short chapters written from the perspective of a few other people. Frankie’s father Len returns home and discovers his wife has died and his son is missing; Frankie’s grandmother is sick with worry over her grandson, and Miss Kenney is the selfish teacher who quickly realizes her terrible mistake once the search for Frankie becomes official. Each P.O.V. helps break up the challenge of reading a book written from a child’s perspective as well as rounding out the narrative and adding backstory to Frankie’s current predicament.
Frankie is special; he’s incredibly adept at numbers and learned to read at an extremely young age. But he’s also a typical and curious young boy so he asks lots of questions and never shuts up. His flashbacks to his home life are both pitiful and joyful. His mother clearly treasured him, fiercely defending him against skeptical teachers and cruel classmates, but she suffered from various addictions and mental health disorders so could not be relied on to provide a stable home. His father loved him as well, but was preoccupied with a disintegration marriage and putting his own needs first. The back and forth between Frankie’s precarious present and slightly-less precarious past keeps the pages turning, I was riveted the entire way through the book. Holdstock is not only masterful at creating well-rounded characters, but she’s also adept at plotting a narrative that could easily drift into boredom in less-skilled hands.
My one complaint about the book is the ending; it’s written by Frankie as an adult, reminiscing on his childhood adventure. I didn’t want to know the outcome of his actions, and how things played out for the characters. The recollection downplayed the significance of the event, taking away some of its child-like wonder. Obviously that’s an entirely personal preference, and many readers enjoy the tying up of loose ends, so don’t let my complaint scare you away from a magical little read.
To read the rest of my reviews, please visit my website:
https://ivereadthis.com/
Or follow me on twitter:
https://twitter.com/ivereadthisblog
Or join my online book club!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ivere...
January 15, 2020
Six-year-old Frankie loves numbers, has an extensive vocabulary and is prone to melt-downs when over-stimulated so it's understandable that he should flee his home and his school when he awakes one morning to find his mother dead. Frankie decides to board a ship in England to find his out of town father, but instead of sailing to the continent, Frankie finds himself a stowaway bound for the US. The story is told variously in the voices of Frankie, his distraught father, his exasperated teacher and the sundry passengers and crew that Frankie befriends and evades onboard ship and Pauline Holdstock makes each of them convincing and unique. Turns out that there's more to Frankie's story than initially revealed and the book takes on the tone of a mystery thriller as pasts are revealed and the ship—and Frankie—draw ever closer to their home ports. Here I Am is a wonderful book by a Victoria writer who (full disclosure) I'm pleased to call my friend and a fellow dancer.
November 22, 2019
Six year old Francis (Frankie to his friends), the narrator of the book tells it like it is - a wonderful contrast to the adults around him who often don't say what they mean. It is most refreshing to read Frankie's literal interpretation of what is going on. Pauline Holdstock is a gifted writer who in turns had my heart aching for Frankie then laughing out loud at his observations. I was quite surprised that nowhere in the book is autism mentioned to describe Frankie's condition. The story takes place before autism was a diagnosis but even when we hear from Frankie as an adult he mentions only that he would have been treated for PTSD following his adventure and perhaps diagnosed with "avoidant personality disorder". Whatever his condition Frankie has much to tell us about ourselves.
February 27, 2020
First, this is a great book if you are going on a cruise!
But even if you're not, it's an unusual story worth reading. Frankie I'm guessing is high-functioning on the autism spectrum. Extremely intelligent, but socially awkward, which doesnt seem to bother him. He's loved by his family, his dysfunctional family, when his mum suddenly dies... and Frankie goes on quite the adventure. Most of the book is narrated by Frankie, but a few chapters are narrated by the other characters in the book, most who are likable with the exception of Miss Kenney. What a soulless pill. I wish thecwould have included her firing in the story but they didn't.
Also loved that this story is British and full of words like Weetabix, Horlicks and plimsouls 😊
But even if you're not, it's an unusual story worth reading. Frankie I'm guessing is high-functioning on the autism spectrum. Extremely intelligent, but socially awkward, which doesnt seem to bother him. He's loved by his family, his dysfunctional family, when his mum suddenly dies... and Frankie goes on quite the adventure. Most of the book is narrated by Frankie, but a few chapters are narrated by the other characters in the book, most who are likable with the exception of Miss Kenney. What a soulless pill. I wish thecwould have included her firing in the story but they didn't.
Also loved that this story is British and full of words like Weetabix, Horlicks and plimsouls 😊
December 16, 2019
I loved this book so much. Honestly, I was a little skeptical at first as it seemed very different than some of Holdstock's other books I had enjoyed. However, I was rapidly drawn in and devoured it within the next couple of days. Hard to describe the joys of this book without giving too much away, but I will say the young protagonist's voice is so well-crafted - pure, naive, clever, and funny the entire way through. The tragedy at the heart of the book is wrenching and the contrast created by the voice in the foreground and the tragedy looming in the background throughout is so stirring. This book will make you feel so much, and develop so much affection for its main characters.
April 4, 2020
Another solid 4 star book of a 6 year old boy, on the autism spectrum, becoming a stowaway on a cruise ship he thinks is bound for France to find his father in order to tell him his mother died and no one believed him. The book is similar to Be Frank With Me as Frankie is precocious, very smart and has an interesting perspective on people. The entire book is told in the first person. Friends made, survivability on board, ingenuity in maintaining the ruse that he is traveling with family. He connects with a blind gay gentleman who eventually realizes Frank does not know the ship is bound for New York. Really a great story.
January 31, 2021
This book was given to me to try out a new author. It was interesting reading events from a child’s view. At times it was a little tedious but that was the point, events from a child’s view can be overwhelming and as adults we’ve forgotten the uncertainty of it all.
Brought back memories for me of my grandmother dying when I was around 8 years old. I could also relate to the solution of not saying anything rather than being misunderstood. All in all, a good read, especially the ending when Frankie is grown up.
Brought back memories for me of my grandmother dying when I was around 8 years old. I could also relate to the solution of not saying anything rather than being misunderstood. All in all, a good read, especially the ending when Frankie is grown up.
January 2, 2023
Pauline Holdstock, in the final chapter you had me wondering, just for a bit, whether this was a memoir written by Francis Walters under a pseudonym!!! (I can't call him Frankie as I'm not his friend !!) I have a Grandson on the Autism spectrum and I think you captured Frankie's voice as the clearly gifted 6 year old very well. This book is a funny and touching account of an adventure which is believable but only when explained by Frankie. I loved the characters, especially the blind man, Mr. Knight. I loved this unusual book. Thank you for a solid 5 star read.
November 30, 2019
I heard the author read a couple of sections near the start, which put Frankie's voice in my head and hooked me into the story. But, as always, Pauline Holdstock knocks me out with her range and imagination. There are four or five other voices in the book, and all are distinctive, believable, and perfect. A captivating novel with so many layers—definitely one I need to go back and reread to pick up all the hints.
January 4, 2020
I really liked this book, maybe not enough for 5 stars but it's still very good. Both sad and uplifting at the same time, and great writing. I really felt Frankie's frustration. To be honest the only reason I read it was to cross the $3000 in borrowing mark at the library for 2019, haha. I'd never heard of the book or the author but it was sure a pleasant surprise. Yet another excellent Canadian author to be aware of!
June 16, 2020
For such a short book, it was very dense. About half way through, I started to get annoyed with all the characters in the book (except Gordon Knight, the blind man). I thought Gordon Knight was a very good addition to the book. He was an interesting character with some reasoning behind his actions.
I skimmed a bit because I had to pass it on to someone in my book group, and I felt I didn't miss much.
I skimmed a bit because I had to pass it on to someone in my book group, and I felt I didn't miss much.
January 27, 2020
The book is a story of and recounted by a six year old. The writing style and structure took a chapter or two to get used to but once I got past that it was awesome. The story is filled with emotion and suspense and wisdom and reality. And the writing style blended in perfectly with the characters.
A very unique piece of writing.
A very unique piece of writing.
May 26, 2020
Okay, I loved it. Maybe it's because I have my own little version of a Frankie that I truly appreciated how he viewed life and his struggles with other people. Written through the eyes of a 6yo, and I fell right into the story with him. Late nights and early mornings are perfect for reading this adventure.
June 24, 2022
I really enjoyed this book. Writing in a child's voice must be challenging. I found this quirky, funny, with little surprises as well as pathos. Frankie is a little boy I would love to meet. He has a lot of pluck, and an intelligence well beyond his years, but all made very credible by a clever courageous author.
August 15, 2020
Very insightful story about a six year old "autistic" boy who stows away on a cruise ship after the sudden death of his mother. A quirky and thought provoking story that opens one's mind to how we understand the human language and its various nuances.
November 1, 2020
I loved this book! Such an excellent reminder to us all that everyone deserves kindness and respect and that is we give others, especially those different from ourselves, time and attention, we will be much better for it.
March 11, 2020
Absolutely brilliant story and writing. Highly recommend.
March 20, 2020
3.5 stars; enjoyed it although it probably could've been shortened a bit;
January 29, 2022
I was skeptical of the story at first. The narrative style of the main character was very different. However, I was quickly drawn in to the tale of this resourceful child and his experiences.
April 3, 2023
Written from a little boy’s perspective, he is dealing with some hard family events and ends up on an unexpected adventure.
October 8, 2023
This is a lovely story that lets the reader join in the journey of a 6 year old autistic child as he makes his way as a stowaway on a transatlantic voyage.
October 16, 2025
Absolutely wonderful!
October 21, 2025
I enjoyed this story so much. Frankie is a captivating little guy and his way of describing his predicament and his experiences is hilarious.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews