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Long Walk Out of the Woods: A Physician's Story of Addiction, Depression, Hope, and Recovery
A physician shares the darkest depths of his depression, suicidal ideation, addiction, and the important lessons he learned through years of personal recovery. Pediatric oncologist and palliative care physician Dr. Adam B. Hill suffered despair and disillusionment with the culture of medicine, culminating in a spiral of depression, alcoholism, and an active suicidal plan. Then while in recovery from active addiction, he lost a colleague to suicide, further revealing the extent of the secrecy and broken systems contributing to an epidemic of professional distress within the medical field. By sharing his harrowing story, Dr. Hill helps identify the barriers and obstacles standing in the way of mental health recovery, while pleading for a revolutionary new approach to how we treat individuals in substance use recovery. In fighting stereotypes/stigma and teaching vulnerability, compassion, and empathy, Hill’s work is being lauded as a road map for better practices at a time when medical professionals around the world are struggling in silence.
224 pages, Paperback
Published December 17, 2019
22 people are currently reading
899 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
June 4, 2021
“Now more than ever, I am aware that we are all perfectly imperfect human beings, trying our best in this world, and we all have unique stories to tell. “
Adam B. Hill, MD
A remarkable man. An understanding Doctor. And, above all, a human being in the sea of trials and tribulations that life offers to all of us.
Adam B. Hill, MD
A remarkable man. An understanding Doctor. And, above all, a human being in the sea of trials and tribulations that life offers to all of us.
January 21, 2020
Very well written book. Follow Adam on twitter so bought on a whim. Better than expected not for anything against Adam but I read a lot of autobiographical books by people I find on social media and it’s typically not this quality .
It’s very personal and moving as well. In addition to a story of depression and addiction it certainly has furthered my belief that we need to support our physicians more . I am a doctor and I’m aware of the growing mental health issues, burnout, and suicide. I already have feelings that changes need to occur but this cemented it.
I’ve also heard about how medical boards deal with mental health issues but this story was heartbreaking. I’m glad Adam ended up not being too negatively impacted by the medical boards actions!
It’s very personal and moving as well. In addition to a story of depression and addiction it certainly has furthered my belief that we need to support our physicians more . I am a doctor and I’m aware of the growing mental health issues, burnout, and suicide. I already have feelings that changes need to occur but this cemented it.
I’ve also heard about how medical boards deal with mental health issues but this story was heartbreaking. I’m glad Adam ended up not being too negatively impacted by the medical boards actions!
December 31, 2022
This was a surprisingly excellent read. If this guy wants to ever quit as an MD, I venture to say he could make it as a writer! Very poignant recounting of his struggles as a medical student/resident/MD with depression which led to addiction to alcohol. And he has put his experiences into creating a new program within his medical professional community that encourages safe space revelations shared with all and opt-out therapy programs, etc. Sounds as if he has translated his experience into pragmatic improvements for all within his immediate environment within his profession. I applaud him for not only sharing his own journey, but literally doing something about it that is very proactive. Anxious to listen to and interact with him via Zoom next week!
August 14, 2021
This book gave me chills, made me think long and hard about the culture of medicine and healthcare today, and also helped me find some peace with the exhaustion and compassion fatigue felt in healthcare by giving it some context. This should be required reading for anyone working in healthcare. Adam Hill shares his story of mental health struggles with beautiful anecdotes of walking with patients and families struggling with very similar things, and what it means to be a fully empathetic caregiver. So good.
May 25, 2020
I felt uncomfortable while reading this book, and I think it was because I could relate to the author's feelings of anxiety/depression. As a current medical student, I already see how the health care field stigmatizes mental health issues within its own population. Dr. Hill's narrative is so crucial to the wellbeing of health care professionals, and I hope that someday the health care field will be more accepting.
March 9, 2020
Dr. Hill does a great job of discussing his own addiction and recovery, but maybe the biggest take home message for me was his discussion of how the mental health of healthcare providers is handled. As someone who works in healthcare, I’ve seen the stigma, but didn’t realize how hard it is for physicians to practice after being in recovery. Highly recommend for anyone in the medical field.
February 23, 2020
Stunning book with master class storytelling and an open, honest, raw vulnerability that won't let you put this book down. Everyone should read this book, as it really is a book about what makes us human and the stories we tell about each other.
December 16, 2019
One of those books you don't want to put down! Beautiful writing filled with compassion and perspective. A book that will help so many people in their own struggles! Everyone affected by mental health and/or addiction should read this book.
July 6, 2020
Dr. Adams opened my eyes to how hard life is for doctors who deal with depression and recovery from addiction. I nearly skipped this book, though, because of the details of the attempted suicide. There is a lot of information about him treating cancer patients, which was interesting.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 12, 2021
Lots to think about from this, on both a personal and societal level. Bit of a sad read but ultimately a hopeful ending!
September 28, 2023
Beautifully written. There is such a saddening stigma around mental health.
“Stigma holds people down and actually works against the common medical knowledge that a lot of these conditions are treatable and not caused by character flaws.”
“Stigma holds people down and actually works against the common medical knowledge that a lot of these conditions are treatable and not caused by character flaws.”
November 24, 2021
Wow - what a book!
What can we say except Thank You and Kudos to Dr. Adam B. Hill for writing this emotionally moving story of his journey as a physician and human through depression and addiction and most importantly, through recovery.
Dr. Hill expertly and touchingly shares the events of his life, starting from his childhood where he was bullied and felt like he “never belonged.” He shares how shame and isolation became a part of his life from an early age. He artfully and articulately carries us into his medical training starting in med school through his residency in pediatrics and his pediatric oncology fellowship, all at prestigious institutions. He does this in a way that has the reader feeling they are right alongside him every step of the way, with all the burdens, expectations, joys and sorrows that entails.
Dr Hill also brings us along into his experiences of depression, times of devastating suicidal ideation and his descent into alcoholism along with his courageous climb back up to recovery. He does this with the express purpose to share with us as doctors and humans that even though we may feel we are alone, we are not! His vivid descriptions of all of this allows us to see how we too can be vulnerable and share our experiences for the benefit of all. With intimate details, he captures our interest every single moment of the book by skillfully describing events he encountered throughout his professional training and his personal life, many of which us readers can relate to.
Dr. Hill shares with us about various colleagues who “continue to die everyday without being able to share their struggles” and who “buried a brewing pile of turmoil deep inside,” and “never fully processed the angst,” with the eventual outcome of “a confident stride turned into a despondent shuffle.”
Along with his own personal story, he outlines in the book how “Societal and cultural expectations in medicine are set to dangerously high levels and requires perfection - any outcome other than perfection is seen as failure.” By comparing how mental health issues in doctors are dealt with relative to other medical conditions such as diabetes and broken bones, he clearly elucidates how much of a stigma mental conditions carry.
Describing what he calls “a systemic failure of self-compassion in medicine,” and an “ongoing failure of medicine to recognize our humanity,” Dr. Hill follows this up with solutions for how this can all be rectified and reversed, mostly with being vulnerable and sharing our stories; along with systemic changes. He describes establishing healthy boundaries, making space for vulnerability and practicing gratitude as just a few of the many tools he discovered and utilized during his journey, all of which the reader can adopt into their own lives. In a truly valuable section, he shares how he has adapted the pediatric palliative care acronym SPIKES (Setting/Perception/Invitation/Knowledge/Exploring Emotions/Summary)to be utilized in this arena of mental health in physicians and it is absolutely brilliant!
Just like Dr. Hill was never the same after all these events and experiences, the reader will no longer be the same after reading his exquisite book. The author shares his experience, strength and hope with such clarity and emotion that it will be hard to not finish the book in one sitting as we did.
“By sharing my story, I want others to feel there is room at the table to share their story too” and “as long as I have a voice, I will speak out to honor those suffering” are just a couple of the quotes in the book that struck us right in the heart - for all Dr. Hill has been through, his main motive is to help others and that is exactly what he is doing and we couldn’t be more grateful!
Dr. Hill evolves for the reader from a kid who felt like he didn’t belong, to a doctor, husband and father who realizes what truly matters is “connecting in a fundamental way” and knowing he belongs in the story that is his.
While one has to read the entirety of the book to get the full impact, this quote from it sums up what Dr. Hill is attempting to do with writing the book, and does so superbly - “confronting stigmas with compassion while taking the time to hear an individual story has allowed me to advocate for the truth of a narrative to find the light of day.”
This book allows us to realize that by aspiring to strive toward finding our own lights of days and the light of days for others, we will grow and evolve as Dr. Hill did.
What can we say except Thank You and Kudos to Dr. Adam B. Hill for writing this emotionally moving story of his journey as a physician and human through depression and addiction and most importantly, through recovery.
Dr. Hill expertly and touchingly shares the events of his life, starting from his childhood where he was bullied and felt like he “never belonged.” He shares how shame and isolation became a part of his life from an early age. He artfully and articulately carries us into his medical training starting in med school through his residency in pediatrics and his pediatric oncology fellowship, all at prestigious institutions. He does this in a way that has the reader feeling they are right alongside him every step of the way, with all the burdens, expectations, joys and sorrows that entails.
Dr Hill also brings us along into his experiences of depression, times of devastating suicidal ideation and his descent into alcoholism along with his courageous climb back up to recovery. He does this with the express purpose to share with us as doctors and humans that even though we may feel we are alone, we are not! His vivid descriptions of all of this allows us to see how we too can be vulnerable and share our experiences for the benefit of all. With intimate details, he captures our interest every single moment of the book by skillfully describing events he encountered throughout his professional training and his personal life, many of which us readers can relate to.
Dr. Hill shares with us about various colleagues who “continue to die everyday without being able to share their struggles” and who “buried a brewing pile of turmoil deep inside,” and “never fully processed the angst,” with the eventual outcome of “a confident stride turned into a despondent shuffle.”
Along with his own personal story, he outlines in the book how “Societal and cultural expectations in medicine are set to dangerously high levels and requires perfection - any outcome other than perfection is seen as failure.” By comparing how mental health issues in doctors are dealt with relative to other medical conditions such as diabetes and broken bones, he clearly elucidates how much of a stigma mental conditions carry.
Describing what he calls “a systemic failure of self-compassion in medicine,” and an “ongoing failure of medicine to recognize our humanity,” Dr. Hill follows this up with solutions for how this can all be rectified and reversed, mostly with being vulnerable and sharing our stories; along with systemic changes. He describes establishing healthy boundaries, making space for vulnerability and practicing gratitude as just a few of the many tools he discovered and utilized during his journey, all of which the reader can adopt into their own lives. In a truly valuable section, he shares how he has adapted the pediatric palliative care acronym SPIKES (Setting/Perception/Invitation/Knowledge/Exploring Emotions/Summary)to be utilized in this arena of mental health in physicians and it is absolutely brilliant!
Just like Dr. Hill was never the same after all these events and experiences, the reader will no longer be the same after reading his exquisite book. The author shares his experience, strength and hope with such clarity and emotion that it will be hard to not finish the book in one sitting as we did.
“By sharing my story, I want others to feel there is room at the table to share their story too” and “as long as I have a voice, I will speak out to honor those suffering” are just a couple of the quotes in the book that struck us right in the heart - for all Dr. Hill has been through, his main motive is to help others and that is exactly what he is doing and we couldn’t be more grateful!
Dr. Hill evolves for the reader from a kid who felt like he didn’t belong, to a doctor, husband and father who realizes what truly matters is “connecting in a fundamental way” and knowing he belongs in the story that is his.
While one has to read the entirety of the book to get the full impact, this quote from it sums up what Dr. Hill is attempting to do with writing the book, and does so superbly - “confronting stigmas with compassion while taking the time to hear an individual story has allowed me to advocate for the truth of a narrative to find the light of day.”
This book allows us to realize that by aspiring to strive toward finding our own lights of days and the light of days for others, we will grow and evolve as Dr. Hill did.
January 27, 2022
This book reminded me of In Shock , which was also about the failure of medicine to address the suffering that providers endure in the course of their work. It also discusses the unrealistic levels of perfection medical professionals are expected to achieve and maintain. News to me was the legal implications of physicians who vocalize their struggle with addiction or mental illness which certainly underscores the reluctance of providers to get help and the high rate of suicide among physicians. After acknowledging his alcohol addiction and depression, he was put on probation, made to pay a fine, and publish a letter of apology. It must be that the bar is not the same for nurse practitioners? Thank god.
A few things stood out:
P98-
“I realized that medicine had taught me that my needs mattered less than everyone else’s because someone else was always sicker, with more acute needs than mine.”
I very clearly remember an undergraduate nursing instructor telling us “it is never about you.” This kind of mentality leads to feeling like you have no right as a provider to have your own issues, no place for struggles outside the workplace, no need to debrief after emotionally draining encounters.
P101-
“I was grateful that I was able to be there for them, and walk them through those moments of tragedy, but at the same time I was utterly heartbroken and shaken.”
I have felt this way many times while helping someone whose loved one was dying. Our current system leaves no room to decompress. Certainly you cannot reflect your emotions back to the patient and family, but we do not have a system where there is an opportunity to reflect those emotions back to our peers.
P107-
“In redeffining success, my mantra has become: ‘There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world that I did not cause. All I can do is stand up to it and to do my best to make a difference.’ “
P139-
“I started a project called Compassion Rounds, the purpose of which was to create safe spaces were all individuals working in the hospital could expressed feelings about the emotional difficulty of working in a place where children are sick and sometimes die.”
I love this idea.
A few things stood out:
P98-
“I realized that medicine had taught me that my needs mattered less than everyone else’s because someone else was always sicker, with more acute needs than mine.”
I very clearly remember an undergraduate nursing instructor telling us “it is never about you.” This kind of mentality leads to feeling like you have no right as a provider to have your own issues, no place for struggles outside the workplace, no need to debrief after emotionally draining encounters.
P101-
“I was grateful that I was able to be there for them, and walk them through those moments of tragedy, but at the same time I was utterly heartbroken and shaken.”
I have felt this way many times while helping someone whose loved one was dying. Our current system leaves no room to decompress. Certainly you cannot reflect your emotions back to the patient and family, but we do not have a system where there is an opportunity to reflect those emotions back to our peers.
P107-
“In redeffining success, my mantra has become: ‘There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world that I did not cause. All I can do is stand up to it and to do my best to make a difference.’ “
P139-
“I started a project called Compassion Rounds, the purpose of which was to create safe spaces were all individuals working in the hospital could expressed feelings about the emotional difficulty of working in a place where children are sick and sometimes die.”
I love this idea.
April 4, 2020
I cannot compare Dr. Hill's writing to anything else I have ever read. A true gentleman in openness, perspective, and eloquence in his struggle with depression, alcoholism, and an active suicide plan due to professional pressures within the medical field that so often cautions against seeking mental health care. Dr. Hill's voice is naturally poetic. I reread so many passages within the book being that it is so beautifully written, and that applies to both the dark and the light of his life. I live in Northwest Indiana and finished this book during our Covid-19 pandemic. How timely as Hoosiers are approaching the anticipated peak in the next few weeks. I thought about him again and again as I read since he works at Indiana University's Riley Hospital for Children as a pediatric oncologist and palliative care physician. I wish him and all care providers the health and safety they need to physically perform their self-sacrificing duties, but most of all, that their mental and emotional welfare is consciously recognized. The essential support will be critical long after the virus is buried.
Read
December 13, 2023In “Long Walk Out of the Woods,” Adam Hill, MD, shares the story of his harrowing journey through depression and alcoholism while navigating the rigors of medical training. He shines a much-needed spotlight on the paradoxical behavior of the medical community, which offers care and compassion to patients yet often turns a blind eye to its own professionals in need. The difficulty of accepting help, notifying his colleagues of his treatment and the struggle to find a job are thoroughly detailed in Dr. Hill’s moving memoir.
Although many college students turn to alcohol and drugs for entertainment and diversion from negative emotions, most cannot also meet the demands of a premed program. Not only does Dr. Hill make it through premed and med school, he goes on to train in pediatric oncology. One can hardly think of a more emotionally charged profession for a sensitive person at high risk for alcoholism and depression.
Read our entire review and see more book club selections on The DO!
Although many college students turn to alcohol and drugs for entertainment and diversion from negative emotions, most cannot also meet the demands of a premed program. Not only does Dr. Hill make it through premed and med school, he goes on to train in pediatric oncology. One can hardly think of a more emotionally charged profession for a sensitive person at high risk for alcoholism and depression.
Read our entire review and see more book club selections on The DO!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 25, 2020
An honest and touching story that shines a much needed light on the medical profession. Adam shared the darkest moments of his life and the struggle to feeling comfortable in his own skin, for what it sounds like the first time in his life.
As a healthcare professional, it was alarming to hear some of the intricate details and questions asked of physicians. I’d much rather work with someone who has acknowledged their struggles vs. someone who continues to hide out of fear. As Adam pointed out, no one should have to make those decisions and I hope he continues the work he’s doing to change policies and expectations of physicians.
Well written, heartfelt, and something I think all medical professionals, especially those just starting out, should read.
As a healthcare professional, it was alarming to hear some of the intricate details and questions asked of physicians. I’d much rather work with someone who has acknowledged their struggles vs. someone who continues to hide out of fear. As Adam pointed out, no one should have to make those decisions and I hope he continues the work he’s doing to change policies and expectations of physicians.
Well written, heartfelt, and something I think all medical professionals, especially those just starting out, should read.
February 14, 2020
This book is a autobiography about a physician with a unique and powerful view on medicine. It’s also a call for empathy and acceptance for not only our patients but our colleagues. This book is for all medical providers and beyond. It highlights the struggle of medical providers to be “perfect” in an imperfect world. Dr. Hill connects to the world in a truly special way and he is not afraid to say the things that most of us internalize. I had the pleasure to see Dr. Hill speak recently and he has the power to spark a real change in medicine. Voices like his come around infrequently and we need to listen now.
November 21, 2020
After finishing this well written and revealing book, I believe it should be required reading for every medical student and physicians in training.
I commend Dr. Hill for his courage in exposing his vulnerability and his humanity.
I find this concluding quote especially wise and inspiring:
“In embracing the art of empathy, medicine has an extraordinary opportunity to heal. Because when it is all said and done, medicine heals when one person dedicates their time to earnestly listen to another persons story.”
Adam Hill demonstrates how the best healing occurs when healing goes both directions - healing of both patient and physician.
I commend Dr. Hill for his courage in exposing his vulnerability and his humanity.
I find this concluding quote especially wise and inspiring:
“In embracing the art of empathy, medicine has an extraordinary opportunity to heal. Because when it is all said and done, medicine heals when one person dedicates their time to earnestly listen to another persons story.”
Adam Hill demonstrates how the best healing occurs when healing goes both directions - healing of both patient and physician.
January 19, 2020
Okay, whatever you’re doing STOP. Go now and read this book. Right now. It’s a game changer. This should be required reading for those in the service of medicine and beyond.
Yes, the themes of depression, addiction, struggles with self worth and connection affect us ALL. But what’s so timely is the discussion about implicit bias and all the ways we categorize the people who cross our paths.
We can, and should, not continue to work within systems that fail us. We need to find human connection, and in that, create systems that work for all.
Yes, the themes of depression, addiction, struggles with self worth and connection affect us ALL. But what’s so timely is the discussion about implicit bias and all the ways we categorize the people who cross our paths.
We can, and should, not continue to work within systems that fail us. We need to find human connection, and in that, create systems that work for all.
January 27, 2020
This book was more of a suspenseful page-turner than any other book I've read in recent memory. I couldn't wait to find out what was happening next in Dr. Hill's recovery. Although this book deals with a number of difficult, painful, sensitive topics (and may be full of "triggers" for many readers) I found it hopeful and encouraging. There's light at the end of these woods. Read it! If you are prone to "triggers," read it with someone who supports you.
I really could have finished this in one sitting had my Saturday been as free as I would have liked! It's that good.
I really could have finished this in one sitting had my Saturday been as free as I would have liked! It's that good.
June 15, 2021
3.5* I don’t remember where I heard about this book, but I eagerly bought it and quickly started reading. His personal story of overcoming addiction and depression is impressive. The first half or so of the book discusses his life and the various struggles and challenges he endured due to addiction and depression. The second half of the book was a bit repetitive, and essentially can be summed up as his critique of how the medical system handles doctors with a history of addiction or mental health issues, and the changes he suggests to overcome those problems.
July 19, 2021
This raw and poignant autobiography puts into perspective the trauma that doctors face day in a day out, usually alone with no support system in place.
If you are an advocate for mental health in the workplace, I highly recommend this read. The author offers powerful arguments for why mental health care needs a new approach, and also gives tangible examples of how to go about reforming how we approach mental health disorders in our personal and professional lives.
This is the type of book that saves lives. Thank you Dr. Hill!
If you are an advocate for mental health in the workplace, I highly recommend this read. The author offers powerful arguments for why mental health care needs a new approach, and also gives tangible examples of how to go about reforming how we approach mental health disorders in our personal and professional lives.
This is the type of book that saves lives. Thank you Dr. Hill!
June 7, 2020
So much I did not know about the experiences this man faced as a child , teen and young adult. His battles with bullying, depression, sinking into mental illness are shared in a poignant, caring way. While his pain is evident througout the first part of the book, his growth as a person and as a doctor are such an important part of what he shares. The second part of the book shares his personal growth, but it is also a message of the profession in terms of compassionate treatment of patients in the direst times. I'm glad I read it and will probably read it again before I pass it on to someone else who woould gain from his message.
Thanks for sharing this Adam.
Thanks for sharing this Adam.
May 14, 2025
Almost half of all medical resident interns meet the criteria for depression. I would have guessed an even higher number based on my experience. Yet, only half of those screened positive were getting treatment.
This is a story of a trainee with depression that self-medicates with alcohol, developing an addiction. What follows is the recovery, in spite of the widespread issues concerning medical professionals with mental health or addiction concerns.
This is a story of a trainee with depression that self-medicates with alcohol, developing an addiction. What follows is the recovery, in spite of the widespread issues concerning medical professionals with mental health or addiction concerns.
November 25, 2020
Beautifully written and so honest. It feels to me like the first time a doctor in the medical community has stood up to share what has been previously considered such a taboo topic. I really hope this story changes the course for how doctors treat each other and treat themselves as it is absolutely needs to happen. So grateful to have read this book.
December 31, 2021
oh gosh, what a great story. Cried a gazillion times. He is so good. What a fantastic story, so many good points. He is a physician whe gets into trouble with drinking and almost loses himself until he was able to get into a hospital that would take him. He raises over things and now is a big oncologist in a big city. But he had to overcome his demons. Must read for sure.
March 19, 2023
THANK YOU for telling your story, Dr. Hill! I heard him on Lindsey Hein's Why is Everyone Yelling podcast and had to check it out-this is a story that NEEDS to be told! I hadn't even considered how discriminatory it is that clinicians are asked about their mental health and history of substance use disorders...thank you for making this important point.
October 17, 2023
As I go through medical school, this book serves as a reminder that we are all suffering through this profession that is so glorified, but draws attention to the fact that we don’t have to suffer alone. If we don’t take the time to tend to ourselves, nasty habits can take over our lives and alienate ourselves. Break the silence
July 20, 2020
This book, written from a physician’s point of view, gave a clear explanation of our present culture. There is a strong chance that people with depression, alcoholism, and addiction can recover. By being empathetic to people, especially those who need extra, there is hope for everyone.
October 7, 2021
Most excellent chapter on stigma. "Stigma holds people down and actually works against the common medical knowledge that a lot of these conditions are treatable and not caused by character flaws".
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews