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Cremains #1
Cremains
Seeing an elderly woman crushed to death under a baby grand piano is not the best start to anyone’s day, and Max Dempsey’s is about to get a whole lot worse.
When sacked bank manager turned bank robber Max Dempsey (aka Simon Golightly) finds himself deep in debt to dodgy undertaker Danny Bishop, he’s prepared to do almost anything to pay it off and keep all of his fingers.
But he’s likely to lose a lot more than his fingers when he agrees to do a “little job” for Danny and unintentionally crosses psychopathic Greek gangster, Nikos Spiropoulos.
Meanwhile, Bernard Pemberton and his granddaughter Tess are on a road trip to scatter their beloved Dottie’s ashes on a Scottish hilltop, but is it really her ashes in the cremation urn or something else altogether?
Cremains is a crime caper that twists and turns its way towards a conclusion that even Max himself couldn’t have predicted.
When sacked bank manager turned bank robber Max Dempsey (aka Simon Golightly) finds himself deep in debt to dodgy undertaker Danny Bishop, he’s prepared to do almost anything to pay it off and keep all of his fingers.
But he’s likely to lose a lot more than his fingers when he agrees to do a “little job” for Danny and unintentionally crosses psychopathic Greek gangster, Nikos Spiropoulos.
Meanwhile, Bernard Pemberton and his granddaughter Tess are on a road trip to scatter their beloved Dottie’s ashes on a Scottish hilltop, but is it really her ashes in the cremation urn or something else altogether?
Cremains is a crime caper that twists and turns its way towards a conclusion that even Max himself couldn’t have predicted.
284 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 1, 2019
389 people are currently reading
100 people want to read
About the author
Rob Johnson
13 books47 followers‘You’ll have to write an author biography of course.’
‘Oh? Why?’
‘Because people will want to know something about you before they lash out on buying one of your books.’
‘You think so, do you?’
‘Just do it, okay?’
‘So what do I tell them?’
‘For a start, you should mention that you’ve written four plays that were professionally produced and toured throughout the UK.’
‘Should I say anything about all the temp jobs I had, like working in the towels and linens stockroom at a big department store or as a fitter’s mate in a perfume factory?’
‘No, definitely not.’
‘Motorcycle dispatch rider?’
‘You were sacked, weren’t you?’
‘Boss said he could get a truck there quicker.’
‘Leave it out then, but make sure they know that you've published eight books so far. And don’t forget to put in something that shows you’re vaguely human.’
‘You mean this kind of thing: “I’m currently in Greece with my wife, Penny, seven cats and two rescue dogs and working on a new novel and a couple of screenplays”.’
‘It’ll have to do, I suppose, and then finish off with your website and social media stuff.’
‘Oh, okay then.’
* My website
* My Facebook author page
* Twitter @RobJohnson999
‘Oh? Why?’
‘Because people will want to know something about you before they lash out on buying one of your books.’
‘You think so, do you?’
‘Just do it, okay?’
‘So what do I tell them?’
‘For a start, you should mention that you’ve written four plays that were professionally produced and toured throughout the UK.’
‘Should I say anything about all the temp jobs I had, like working in the towels and linens stockroom at a big department store or as a fitter’s mate in a perfume factory?’
‘No, definitely not.’
‘Motorcycle dispatch rider?’
‘You were sacked, weren’t you?’
‘Boss said he could get a truck there quicker.’
‘Leave it out then, but make sure they know that you've published eight books so far. And don’t forget to put in something that shows you’re vaguely human.’
‘You mean this kind of thing: “I’m currently in Greece with my wife, Penny, seven cats and two rescue dogs and working on a new novel and a couple of screenplays”.’
‘It’ll have to do, I suppose, and then finish off with your website and social media stuff.’
‘Oh, okay then.’
* My website
* My Facebook author page
* Twitter @RobJohnson999
Ratings & Reviews
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Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
July 21, 2019
This book hits all the tropes I expected. It's a mix of black humour, intrigue, suspense and constant action. There is some violence but it's cartoon violence (think Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) It's a short book that will put you inside an amusing bubble for a while and keep you guessing.
June 23, 2019
I am a fan of Rob Johnson’s writing, and once again, he did not disappoint. In Cremains, he has concocted a unique and witty storyline complete with a cast of quirky characters that keep the reader engaged from page one to “The End.” And bravo for the terrific cover art. An easy 5 stars.
April 22, 2025
A fun crime farce with some of Britain and Greece's most incompetent drug suppliers. From the minute a little old lady is crushed by the piano she's just bought you know this is going to be very silly. High potential for televisation...the sidekicks would be fun to cast.
December 10, 2019
With a vast array of health problems, the poor elderly must add one more: beware of falling baby grand pianos.
When a grandmother is crushed beneath one on the pavement near him, Max Dempsey’s world goes a little crazy. Not that it isn’t already insane, what with lying to his wife about his job at the bank (from manager to embezzler to robber). In order to pay back the embezzled money to the bank, Max borrows the sixteen grand from a dubious undertaker, a friend from way back. And so starts this wild caper involving botched bank jobs, illicit drugs, an expensive, unfaithful wife, psychotic Greek gangsters and the cremated ashes of the granny killed by the keyboard (damped by the dampers, squashed by the soundboard, snuffed by the strings…)
Rob Johnson delivers another top-notch humorous crime caper with plenty of excitement, wacky characters and plot twists. It was a joy to read with plenty of laugh out loud moments. Highly recommended!
When a grandmother is crushed beneath one on the pavement near him, Max Dempsey’s world goes a little crazy. Not that it isn’t already insane, what with lying to his wife about his job at the bank (from manager to embezzler to robber). In order to pay back the embezzled money to the bank, Max borrows the sixteen grand from a dubious undertaker, a friend from way back. And so starts this wild caper involving botched bank jobs, illicit drugs, an expensive, unfaithful wife, psychotic Greek gangsters and the cremated ashes of the granny killed by the keyboard (damped by the dampers, squashed by the soundboard, snuffed by the strings…)
Rob Johnson delivers another top-notch humorous crime caper with plenty of excitement, wacky characters and plot twists. It was a joy to read with plenty of laugh out loud moments. Highly recommended!
August 5, 2019
Most amusing.........
This is the third book by Rob Johnson that I have read, and have thoroughly enjoyed them all. They are laugh out loud funny, and only a man with a wonderful sense of humor and adventure could possibly dream up the crazy adventures that his characters get into. More of the same please..........
This is the third book by Rob Johnson that I have read, and have thoroughly enjoyed them all. They are laugh out loud funny, and only a man with a wonderful sense of humor and adventure could possibly dream up the crazy adventures that his characters get into. More of the same please..........
August 2, 2024
An amusing little book which had a 'Lock, stock' and 'Snatch' kind of feel to it. Even having more so by having a character called Nick the Greek in it!
A caper is the exact word to describe it. Some of the humour is good and the silliness of the entire story makes for a light, easy read.
Worth looking at if that's what you're after 👍🏻
A caper is the exact word to describe it. Some of the humour is good and the silliness of the entire story makes for a light, easy read.
Worth looking at if that's what you're after 👍🏻
March 31, 2020
It’s okay
The ending was too pat. Better if the bitch wife saved everybody’s ass. Funnier, too. Too much exposition at the end.
The ending was too pat. Better if the bitch wife saved everybody’s ass. Funnier, too. Too much exposition at the end.
October 22, 2022
Mystery and humour.
Fun characters, clever situations and a healthy dose of humour. All you need in a crime novel. I would look for more stories about these people.
Fun characters, clever situations and a healthy dose of humour. All you need in a crime novel. I would look for more stories about these people.
November 3, 2023
Page turner, wow, didn't expect that!
I didn't know what to expect when I first checked out this book. I just wanted something to read before bed to help me sleep.
The first night, I was tired and that's what happened.
The second night, I start getting into a book with well -fleshed out characters, an interesting storyline that starts getting me really engaged.
The next thing I know, I was hooked---a who is this, why are there 3 stories going--to a suspenseful "geez, what else could happen, they did WHAT, catch them, don't catch them, oh $#!+ ".....
It's a really great book, well written, starts off slow kinda like a great roller coaster--slowly up the ramp, but before you know it, it's twisting, turning, nearly tossing you out, and running away with your imagination.
A must read, you won't regret it!
PS. I ain't giving anything away, it's THAT good? READ IT!
I didn't know what to expect when I first checked out this book. I just wanted something to read before bed to help me sleep.
The first night, I was tired and that's what happened.
The second night, I start getting into a book with well -fleshed out characters, an interesting storyline that starts getting me really engaged.
The next thing I know, I was hooked---a who is this, why are there 3 stories going--to a suspenseful "geez, what else could happen, they did WHAT, catch them, don't catch them, oh $#!+ ".....
It's a really great book, well written, starts off slow kinda like a great roller coaster--slowly up the ramp, but before you know it, it's twisting, turning, nearly tossing you out, and running away with your imagination.
A must read, you won't regret it!
PS. I ain't giving anything away, it's THAT good? READ IT!
September 21, 2023
Review of Cremains by Rob Johnson
A uniquely comic and fast-paced crime caper with more twists and turns than an Escher staircase.
How could I resist Rob Johnson’s crime caper novel Cremains? There are so few books that fall under the crime comedy category that I try to read them all, but a crime caper is an even rarer beast, so in I dived.
Max Dempsey (aka Simon Golightly) a once upstanding member of society and local bank manager has got himself into a spot of bother. To try and keep pace with his wife’s spending habits and stop her constant complaining he has been “borrowing” money from customer's accounts. But as the amounts get larger, he is rumbled and loses his job. Joined by his two criminally inept helpers, Scratch and Alan, he tries his hand at bank robbery. Sadly, this doesn’t go to plan either and just results in him getting more into debt with his old school friend, local Cocaine distributor and undertaker Danny when it fails.
He agrees to help Danny out and clear his debt by trying to sell some of his product to the fat sweating and murderous psychotic Greek, Nikos. So far so bad, but it wouldn’t be a caper if things didn’t go from bad to worse. After a switched urn and a pissed-off bunch of Greeks who are not too happy with him trying to sell them ashes. He and his partners in crime chase the grieving Tess and her grandfather Bernard across the country on their way to scatter what they believe are her dead grandmother's ashes on a Scottish hill.
But Bernard has a bit of an incident with the ashes at a campsite and mixes up the contents with some washing powder and a Tupperware box of sugar – sadly none of the criminal geniuses seem to know what cocaine looks or tastes like. Luckily (kind of) Max has Toby his nephew along for the ride, (instead of doing work experience at the bank that he is still pretending to his wife to be working at) and he’s tried it once, so they finally have a tester at least.
Less luckily, Max is then kidnapped by the Greeks and held to ransom for the coke, which they think Max is buying from Tess and Bernard. The storylines intertwine faster than a granny knitting on speed. The final showdown takes place on the Scottish hilltop - with the Greek still wanting his cocaine, Max still wanting a way out and Jess still having no clue who all these people are that want her grandmother’s ashes.
A uniquely comic and fast-paced crime caper with more twists and turns than an Escher staircase.
How could I resist Rob Johnson’s crime caper novel Cremains? There are so few books that fall under the crime comedy category that I try to read them all, but a crime caper is an even rarer beast, so in I dived.
Max Dempsey (aka Simon Golightly) a once upstanding member of society and local bank manager has got himself into a spot of bother. To try and keep pace with his wife’s spending habits and stop her constant complaining he has been “borrowing” money from customer's accounts. But as the amounts get larger, he is rumbled and loses his job. Joined by his two criminally inept helpers, Scratch and Alan, he tries his hand at bank robbery. Sadly, this doesn’t go to plan either and just results in him getting more into debt with his old school friend, local Cocaine distributor and undertaker Danny when it fails.
He agrees to help Danny out and clear his debt by trying to sell some of his product to the fat sweating and murderous psychotic Greek, Nikos. So far so bad, but it wouldn’t be a caper if things didn’t go from bad to worse. After a switched urn and a pissed-off bunch of Greeks who are not too happy with him trying to sell them ashes. He and his partners in crime chase the grieving Tess and her grandfather Bernard across the country on their way to scatter what they believe are her dead grandmother's ashes on a Scottish hill.
But Bernard has a bit of an incident with the ashes at a campsite and mixes up the contents with some washing powder and a Tupperware box of sugar – sadly none of the criminal geniuses seem to know what cocaine looks or tastes like. Luckily (kind of) Max has Toby his nephew along for the ride, (instead of doing work experience at the bank that he is still pretending to his wife to be working at) and he’s tried it once, so they finally have a tester at least.
Less luckily, Max is then kidnapped by the Greeks and held to ransom for the coke, which they think Max is buying from Tess and Bernard. The storylines intertwine faster than a granny knitting on speed. The final showdown takes place on the Scottish hilltop - with the Greek still wanting his cocaine, Max still wanting a way out and Jess still having no clue who all these people are that want her grandmother’s ashes.
February 22, 2020
Forty years ago a big part of my reading material was made up of comedic crime novels by authors such as Donald Westlake with his series featuring John Dortmunder and Lawrence Block’s series with gentleman burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr as the star. Now I read a much wider range of genres and those comedic crime novels don’t seem to make it to my reading list nearly as often. For that reason alone this was a nice change of pace.
Cremains is different from those comedic crime novels of my younger years in that back then I always knew Dortmunder or Bernie or whoever the protagonist was would survive their current adventure, even if they came out of it empty handed. Here I wasn’t sure if our protagonist, Max, was going to survive the story or not. (I’m not going to tell you either.) I wasn’t sure if he did survive this adventure whether he’d be wishing he hadn’t if his wife found out what he’d been up to. (Not to mention his sister-in-law.) It definitely kept me guessing, but also laughing. Both good results.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
Cremains is different from those comedic crime novels of my younger years in that back then I always knew Dortmunder or Bernie or whoever the protagonist was would survive their current adventure, even if they came out of it empty handed. Here I wasn’t sure if our protagonist, Max, was going to survive the story or not. (I’m not going to tell you either.) I wasn’t sure if he did survive this adventure whether he’d be wishing he hadn’t if his wife found out what he’d been up to. (Not to mention his sister-in-law.) It definitely kept me guessing, but also laughing. Both good results.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
August 1, 2019
First book I have ever read by this author. I cannot wait to read more. This was one of the funniest books I ever read. I had to fight hard to keep myself from bursting out laughing. My wife was sleeping next to me and I was SO worried I was going to wake her up.
How anyone can make a tale about death and drugs and gangsters and adultery, kidnapping SO danged hilarious...it beggars belief. But here it is. Piano falls on old lady. Cue the laugh track. How DOES he do it? I can picture Rob in his writing room, putting this together and busting his guts in laughter. WELL DONE, Mate!
I readily admit that I am a sucker for British humour, and this is loaded with it. But I objectively think there is more to it than that. RJ seems just to be a naturally gifted story-teller. I will need to sample more of his work to be sure. But if his other books are anything like this, I have found a new favorite author.
How anyone can make a tale about death and drugs and gangsters and adultery, kidnapping SO danged hilarious...it beggars belief. But here it is. Piano falls on old lady. Cue the laugh track. How DOES he do it? I can picture Rob in his writing room, putting this together and busting his guts in laughter. WELL DONE, Mate!
I readily admit that I am a sucker for British humour, and this is loaded with it. But I objectively think there is more to it than that. RJ seems just to be a naturally gifted story-teller. I will need to sample more of his work to be sure. But if his other books are anything like this, I have found a new favorite author.
October 19, 2019
From a cracking good first sentence, Cremains carries on to tick every box you'd expect from a "comedy crime caper": There's the constant action, the snarking black humor, the almost cartoonish casual violence and whiplash plot twists, all present and accounting well for themselves. It might be a touch predictable: The provenance of the eponymous cremains is only one not-so-surprising coincidence among several, and a few laughs fall flat for being sorely strained. All in all, that isn't fatal. It's a short, amusing read that takes us away from life as we know it and into a pleasant, if somewhat dark and grubby little fantasy world where only the really bad guys are punished and the "sort of good guys" do prosper.
April 24, 2023
I haven't written a review for over a year but I felt this book deserved one.
I first got a sample around 8 months ago and upon reaching the end I chose not to buy it, as I felt it was too crude. Then a few days ago, in dire need of something light and humorous I reread the sample and only bought the book, thinking that I could afford to lose £2 or £3 (I forget exactly how much).
It is indeed quite funny, a solid 7/10. It is a bit crude, but to be fair to the author it actually helps the plot and the style of writing which is more than competent. The story moves at a good pace and has quite a few unexpected twists and turns. Great literature it isn't, but don't let that put you off; I ended up enjoying it much more than I expected, which is why I decided to write a rare review.
I will be reading more books by Rob Johnson.
I first got a sample around 8 months ago and upon reaching the end I chose not to buy it, as I felt it was too crude. Then a few days ago, in dire need of something light and humorous I reread the sample and only bought the book, thinking that I could afford to lose £2 or £3 (I forget exactly how much).
It is indeed quite funny, a solid 7/10. It is a bit crude, but to be fair to the author it actually helps the plot and the style of writing which is more than competent. The story moves at a good pace and has quite a few unexpected twists and turns. Great literature it isn't, but don't let that put you off; I ended up enjoying it much more than I expected, which is why I decided to write a rare review.
I will be reading more books by Rob Johnson.
June 7, 2023
An entertaining, enjoyable, and at times amusing story, a cacophony of catastrophic events, a crescendo of causality—a game of snakes and ladders without the ladders. Max, our main protagonist, is spiralling out of control, unable to stop the cascading effect of crippling debt that has sent his life into utter chaos. A diverse collection of characters culminates in the perfect storm when a small job of delivering some coke escalates out of all proportion. Follow Max on a journey to despair, which I think is a small village on the west coast of Scotland near Dumpees.
A tale well told, funny and dark, with more twists and turns than the Monaco Grand Prix!
Do yourself a favour, put on your favourite balaclava, grab your semiautomatic, and see what the day brings.
A tale well told, funny and dark, with more twists and turns than the Monaco Grand Prix!
Do yourself a favour, put on your favourite balaclava, grab your semiautomatic, and see what the day brings.
July 16, 2019
Johnson hits the 'dead centre' of black comedy
Another ghoulish mix of outright farce and grotesque villains ( and of course a camper van ) from Rob Johnson who sets a galloping pace in this caper involving lost cocaine, undertakers, a gang of inept bank robbers and the hilarious gangster Nick the 'frickin' Greek. It keeps you guessing to the end even if you think you've figured it out.
Another ghoulish mix of outright farce and grotesque villains ( and of course a camper van ) from Rob Johnson who sets a galloping pace in this caper involving lost cocaine, undertakers, a gang of inept bank robbers and the hilarious gangster Nick the 'frickin' Greek. It keeps you guessing to the end even if you think you've figured it out.
July 28, 2019
Rob Johnson did it once again! He wrote a fantastic book, full with great black humour making use excellent expressions and advanced English. So not only his latest book kept me interested with the plot and the twists but also helped me learn new expressions that are not common to find in crime stories.
I really enjoyed the characters and the plot. I read it during my holidays and was a real pleasure! Looking forward to his next book when it is published.
A must read!
I really enjoyed the characters and the plot. I read it during my holidays and was a real pleasure! Looking forward to his next book when it is published.
A must read!
March 2, 2025
Another great story from Rob Johnson. The undertaking business has never seemed so far from the slow paced and grim sector it surely is.
More twists and turns than the now infamous twisty turny thing. The level of lying and deception amongst the shady and supposedly honest characters keeps you (and the cast) guessing up until the culmination of the various strands.
All of Rob Johnson's books have been enjoyable and this is no different. Start reading his work now.
More twists and turns than the now infamous twisty turny thing. The level of lying and deception amongst the shady and supposedly honest characters keeps you (and the cast) guessing up until the culmination of the various strands.
All of Rob Johnson's books have been enjoyable and this is no different. Start reading his work now.
January 27, 2025
My first ever read by the author, and what a fantastic ride this one turned out to be. Cremains is an out-and-out crime caper with eccentric characters, comedy, action, twists, and just loads happening all around. If you've watched and liked early Guy Richie films, you will surely enjoy this book. I sure did.
November 30, 2025
A greatly entertaining romp featuring incompetent bank robbers, dangerous but useless drug dealers, and feisty females. Our heroes are doing their best to be bad guys but failing miserably. After a slow start, I warmed very much to the central character and the intelligence behind the writing. This is a book with heart - and various other bodily organs.
Fun.
Awarded an AIBA Silver Badge.
Fun.
Awarded an AIBA Silver Badge.
October 15, 2019
Trying too hard!
To paraphrase Dr. McCoy in the original Star Trek, "it's humour Jim, but not as we know it". The author appeared to be trying too hard with this book and, unfortunately, it failed on so many levels. Pity!
To paraphrase Dr. McCoy in the original Star Trek, "it's humour Jim, but not as we know it". The author appeared to be trying too hard with this book and, unfortunately, it failed on so many levels. Pity!
October 2, 2021
Wanna laugh?
I discovered that laughter helped relieve the stress of pandemic isolation.
Now I'm addicted.
I also discovered that there are some really weird guys writing book in the UK.
Pick up a Rob Johnson book and get ready to chuckle, snicker and guffaw.
I discovered that laughter helped relieve the stress of pandemic isolation.
Now I'm addicted.
I also discovered that there are some really weird guys writing book in the UK.
Pick up a Rob Johnson book and get ready to chuckle, snicker and guffaw.
April 6, 2023
an absolute riot!
This book starts out funny and never lets up. If there were more violence in the story I would have bet Guy Ritchie would have turned it into a movie. This is one heck of a crime caper with hilarious twists and turns galore.
This book starts out funny and never lets up. If there were more violence in the story I would have bet Guy Ritchie would have turned it into a movie. This is one heck of a crime caper with hilarious twists and turns galore.
May 22, 2023
Fun romp
This was fun with a few lols, some eye rolls and several snickers. No clue how the last scene came to fruition, but the story was fun to read and the ending snort worthy. No pun intended. Will be interesting to see how the tale progresses.
This was fun with a few lols, some eye rolls and several snickers. No clue how the last scene came to fruition, but the story was fun to read and the ending snort worthy. No pun intended. Will be interesting to see how the tale progresses.
December 24, 2023
Fun read
This was quite a twist on a haunting. I enjoyed reading it...it was fun and moved quickly. The characters were well thought out and interacted well (mostly). I will try others by Mr. Johnson.
This was quite a twist on a haunting. I enjoyed reading it...it was fun and moved quickly. The characters were well thought out and interacted well (mostly). I will try others by Mr. Johnson.
February 6, 2024
File under comedy caper.
It's fun alright, in a Lock, Stock and Two smoking Barrels kinda way (there's even a Nick The Greek).
Entertaining but not mind blowing.
Will I read more from Johnson? Sure, just not right now.
It's fun alright, in a Lock, Stock and Two smoking Barrels kinda way (there's even a Nick The Greek).
Entertaining but not mind blowing.
Will I read more from Johnson? Sure, just not right now.
November 30, 2025
Awesome Indies Book Awards is pleased to include
Cremains - A comedy crime caper by Rob Johnson
in the library of Awesome Indies Book Awards' Badge of Approval recipients.
Cremains - A comedy crime caper by Rob Johnson
in the library of Awesome Indies Book Awards' Badge of Approval recipients.
September 15, 2019
Fun Romp
The story is an amusing journey of a day in the life of a character most can relate to at one point in our lives.
The story is an amusing journey of a day in the life of a character most can relate to at one point in our lives.
September 20, 2019
Cremains
Crazy read. After I got going on this story I got a kick out of all the shenanigans. Made me laugh a lot.
Crazy read. After I got going on this story I got a kick out of all the shenanigans. Made me laugh a lot.
August 12, 2020
Funny book
I laughed the whole time. Funny, twisty story. Well worth reading. Can't wait to read Rob Johnson's other books asap.
I laughed the whole time. Funny, twisty story. Well worth reading. Can't wait to read Rob Johnson's other books asap.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews