Unf*ck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating

by Faith G. Harper, Erin Bennett (Narrator)

Are you in a relationship? Used to be? Want to be? Just want to have better sex or date better? This book is your antidote to typical sex, dating, and relationship rules. Dr. Faith, best-selling author of 'Unf*ck Your Brain,' cuts through the crap with sharp guidelines on how to be a human being in an adult, loving, intimate relationship, with yourself and other people. If you're looking to heal from past wounds, make better choices, or improve an existing relationship, this book is for you!

©2019 Faith G. Harper (P)2019 Blackstone Audio, Inc.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Audiobook, Psychology, Mental Health, Sexuality

Audible Audio

First published June 11, 2019

About the author

Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN is a bad-ass, funny lady with a PhD. She’s a licensed professional counselor, board supervisor, certified sexologist, and applied clinical nutritionist with a private practice and consulting business in San Antonio, TX. She has been an adjunct professor and a TEDx presenter, and proudly identifies as a woman of color and uppity intersectional feminist. She is the author of the book Unf*ck Your Brain and many other popular zines and books on subjects such as anxiety, depression, and grief. She is available as a public speaker and for corporate and clinical trainings.

Reviews

[Hannah Silver · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned a lot but the writing is intolerable.

[Kerri Gallagher · Rating 2 out of 5]

I guess it is my fault when I pick up a book called Un-Fuck Your Intimacy, and get disappointed when the author tries to be a cool kid using bad words to prove a point. I felt this was very click-baity. Like, “here’s what I’ll fucking cover in this book. Wanna fucking know more about it? We’ll talk about it later.”

I just found the style annoying rather than clever and didn’t feel the topics were fully explored...or barely scraped the surface.

[Harley · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some helpful exercises in this book, and the author strives to be inclusive of many relationship dynamics (gay/straight, polyamorous, asexual, non-gender conforming, etc.). However, I felt that some chapters were a bit short. Also, my god, THE TYPOS. Did anyone proofread this manuscript before it went to print? There were so many misspellings and forgotten words that it detracted from the overall reading experience.

[Brittany · Rating 2 out of 5]

Two stories time - one of my exes described someone he didn't like once as a 'cocksucker'. I was taken aback by this and asked him how he thought that term comes across to his girlfriend. His response was, "It's fine if you suck cock because you're a woman." This wasn't cutting it for me (to say the least) and so began my frustration with people using phrases like 'That sucks' or 'This blows' and the like, which indicates that doing things that are typically done by straight or bi women/gay or bi men for the benefit of men are bad and/or reflective of the badness of the straight or bi women/gay or bi men and never the recipient of said acts.

Another time, someone I know said something along the lines of, "Everyone should be having more sex." I responded, "Mmm, no, I really think that's for people to decide for themselves. Some people would probably be better off having less sex, some people are probably having just the right amount of sex, and some people probably would indeed benefit from having more sex. Regardless, that's for individual people to decide for themselves and not for you to dictate." He doubled-down, and said that he meant what he said and that, no really, everyone absolutely should be having more sex.

So anyways, I was going to give this book 3 stars in the beginning, but I became so irritated about halfway through due to the author's attitude and advice. It's "sex-positivity" in the sense described in the second story above - everyone should be totally chill with everything, and if you're not maximizing your time having kinky sex with 27 people, you're a prude sense - which I find deeply frustrating, irritating, and not actually sex-positive. The author spends all her time detailing the negative aspects of sex-negativity, but literally none detailing the negative aspects that comes from shaming people for not being totally down to do anything and everything with anyone and everyone. And then, to top it off, she described something negative (online dating) as 'sucking balls' (hence the first story). Yeah, ok. Whatever form of sex-positivity this is, I want precisely none of it.

So, two stars for when she stepped away from moralizing, but in general, you can miss me with it. I also think the author should be made aware that just because something is commonplace does not mean it should necessarily be normalized, an argument she utilizes quite frequently throughout the book.

[(a)lyss(a) · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of those books I wanted to like, but I was hoping for more depth.

Harper does cover things like trauma and trauma informed recovery, PTSD, setting boundaries, and communicating. While I heard the book instead of read it, I wasn't a big fan of the writing style. It felt like Harper was trying too hard to be edgy at times, like the book wanted to cash in on the trend of having f*uck in the title. It's not as gimmicky as similar books, but in terms of building non-physical intimacy it wasn't what I was looking for.

Some of the facts talked about in this book felt wildly wrong, but checking sources on the audibook is hard. There is a lot of focus on touch as well, both sexual and non-sexual, but weirdly specific instructions on how to touch your partner(s) that if that's your jam than great, but if not know that it is not a small part of this book.

[Moon Captain · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't know how to star this. It was probably good. It made me uncomfortable and that's probably a good thing?

[Courtney Suchil · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this was alot better than Unfuck your Brain. It gave me some great ideas and techniques.

[Sid D. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very comprehensive and progressive look at relationships and intimacy. Tons of really useful info!

I could have done with less of the “cool” lingo (my god please stop talking about Kinsey’s toothbrush thing) and I wish she had been a bit more consistent with trans inclusive language. She hit about a 70% success rate on that front. My only other critique is that it rubs me the wrong way when white people use AAVE slang, and her use of words like “boo” and other turns of phrase that were coined by black communities and co-opted by white people was fairly heavy handed. Based on her photos I don’t think she is black, though I’m open to being corrected on that if I’m misreading something.

With those things in mind, it’s still worth a read!

[Eli · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was about as good as I was hoping. Made me feel a lot better about myself because I actually don't have a lot of intimacy issues. And it was just fun to read because the author has a likable, modern, "hip" voice.

One bonus about this book is how diverse and inclusive it was. There was a whole chapter on open relationships and another whole chapter on kinks, fetishes, and BDSM and how to navigate that in relationships. The author was also very respectful of different genders and sexualities and didn't assume everyone with the same biological parts identify with the same gender. Loved that.

[Buzzkill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am obsessed with this book! It's one of the most inclusive books I've ever read on relationships. It talks about monogamy, polyamoury, LGBTQ+ relationships, aro-ace spectrum, body image, how trauma impacts relationships, dating, maintaining relationships, cheating. It hits on pretty much everything!
I also really like the guiding questions this book has as well the exercises it shares.
Recommending this book to literally everyone.

[Miranda · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow.

The writing is abysmal. The author gets so hung up on being relevant and “shock factor” that every other word is a swear or unfunny joke. I love a good explicit word or topic, but this felt like a 4th grader that just learned cuss words.

Secondly, any relationship therapist that’s pro-Gary Chapman (literally not a specialist in his field, just a pastor), in my opinion isn’t worth their weight and I have a hard time trusting their advice.

Highly suggest to skip this read.

[Angel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like this book could be better organized with less swearing and I don't appreciate how bi is treated like an archaic word for pansexuality, but overall, there are some great questions here. As someone who regularly goes to therapy, the questions and writing prompts are more of a reminder than new content.

[Kirsty · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is informative but does paddle through a huge amount of topics rather than truly diving into specifics, which I think it could've benefited from at times. I can't say I completely got along with the way it was written, but I do love the intention behind this book.

[Mariana Nascimento · Rating 3 out of 5]

solid advice and knowledge but the type of language is too much sometimes.

[Hestia Istiviani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lagi-lagi, kenali diri sendiri sembari mencari partner yang serasi.

Pada YouTube live di kanal @hasyemiraws awal Februari lalu, dia bilang kalau buku Relationships nggak terlalu "wah" karena sebelumnya dia baca Unf*ck Your Intimacy ini. Beberapa percakapan kami sebelumnya, dia jg sempat berbagu sedikit isi dari buku ini. Dia bilang bukunya bagus.

Unf*ck Your Intimacy cuma terdiri dari 3 bab yg dibawakan dg gamblang sekali. Secara garis besar, buku ini menekankan pada sejauh mana kita mengenali diri. Bukan "self-aware" yg berkaitan dg "passion," ya. Melainkan mengenali diri secara fisik. Itu pun bukan sebatas penampilan seperti bentuk muka atau kurus/gendut seseorang.

Yep, ada alasan mengapa buku ini ratingnya 17+. It goes deeper to our sexuality & preferences. Tentang melakukannya secara solo atau dg pihak lain. Bagian itu jadi favoritku sebab membantuku u/ "debunk the myth" tentang perempuan & hawa nafsu. Padahal mah perempuan jg manusia 🙄. Easy man... penulisnya nggak asal bikin narasi. Ada data pendukung yg mendukung paragrafnya.

Unf*ck Your Intimacy menjadi buku dlm bentuk audiobook yg berhasil aku selesaikan! Sebenarnya tersedia di Scribd, namun karena aku nggak suka baca via ponsel/laptop, akhirnya cari cara lain. Berkat menghubungkan nomor keanggotaan perpus AS ke akun Libby, aku bisa pinjam versi audionya 😄.

Mendengarkan buku menjadi sesuatu yg baru. Kecepatan naratornya bisa diatur. Awalnya, aku coba yg normal. Lalu, aku naikkan dari 1,25 kali menjadi 2 kali lebih cepat 😂 Sejauh ini masih aman & bisa dimengerti 👌

Selama mendengarkan, kadang aku pakai earphone sambil beberes kamar. Kadang aku sambungkan ke active speaker & mendengarkannya sambil mandi 😂 Yah, itung-itung sbg pengganti siniar (podcast).

[tori almond · Rating 4 out of 5]

okay 3.5!! this rating is based on how much i felt like i got out of it, but i did love the voice of the author through her writing and the narrator did a good job. overall i thought the writing was well done and the research was relevant and open. i learned a lot of interesting things, a lot that did not feel applicable to me but i enjoyed the psychology aspects of it! the few parts that did resonate made me really stop and think though which i was hoping to get out of listening to this. there were questions through out that had me reflecting and really that’s all i wanted out of this.

[Molls · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75
I think there are a lot of good take aways that one can get from this, a lot of good questions to talk to your therapist about but Jesus Christ can we stop with the random, brash, millennial humor?? Why are we talking about self love and suddenly talking about shoveling Panda Express into our mouth because “we all do that girlboss” absolutely insufferable

[martiex · Rating 3 out of 5]

some moments weren’t that interesting for me but overall the book is a nice source of knowledge

[Elan Kol · Rating 1 out of 5]

I just had to check this one out of curiosity, and damn... this books feels like another exceedingly trashy college girl at the bar talking about her psychology class after about several beers. Just as she says something to grab your attention, she uses profanity in the most awkward and unprofessional way possible. To summarize, this is yet another low level crap quality self help book.

[Olivia (ebooklivv) · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was… fine. The author’s voice is slightly obnoxious, which I suspected and prepared for going in. The information is mostly basic with some good reminders, but the author doesn’t really dive into any one topic - mostly just scrapes the surface of A LOT of topics that I could recommend better books for, that would actually dive into the subject matter. This could be a helpful book for someone just starting off learning about themselves relationally and how to date, especially maybe if they were to journal about some of the questions the author poses. Maybe these questions would help them find the books they actually need to read?

The author also presents herself as polyamory-affirmative, and there were multiple instances where I cringed. Poly-friendly, maybe, but I think she has a lot of learning to do on this topic and learning about what polyamory even means (or how to distinguish polyamory from other forms of ethical non-monogamy… and “negotiated adultery” doesn’t cut it). She even states, at one point, that her polyamorous referrals don’t come to therapy and self-select out! Honey, I think they just find a different therapist who actually knows about polyamory.

This book would probably be best for someone who really struggles in relationships and connecting to others, and who is feminist but still most likely straight, cis, and definitely monogamous.

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had a lot of interesting information about different aspects of intimacy that I hadn’t thought about before, esp from the POVs of other genders/sexual orientations. I liked that she included some science backed info b/c I think it aids people to keep an open mind. I don’t really like the writing style though and it’s not something I can read in one go since there’s a lot of info/exercises. Overall I don’t think I would recommend, but if you struggle with intimacy then I think it could be helpful to know where to start resolving that.

[Hannah Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish this book was a little bit more in-depth. The author repeatedly stated there are other resources out there for covering certain topics, so I'd recommend borrowing and not buying this one. It's basically a quick guide that lightly touches on things and gives you a foundation to explore more. The exercises weren't that helpful to me, but I'm sure they would be good as a starting point for someone exploring these topics.

[Lily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I tend to love all things Faith Harper, but this one wasn’t quite a win for me. It was okay, and included some good tidbits and exercises, but the bulk of it was a little too 101 to feel very enlightening. Maybe that says more about me than about this book, but it just didn’t hit the mark like UF Your Mind or UF Your Boundaries did for me.

My favorite parts were the last chapter (Sensate Touch) and the four levels of communication.

[Ally · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this book, regardless of the stage of life they are in. Yes, the title and the prominent F word can be off putting, BUT the author discusses very important ideas and issues that are rarely discussed prior to being an adult or having a relationship. I wish I would have known this information as an adolescent!

[Shanelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

idk why i read this immediately after reading the other book by her whose name i immediately forgot. but anyways i liked this one better! it felt less dumbed down like the explanations made more sense and i felt like i was an adult rather than a toddler lol. this book is rlly rlly rlly inclusive and that’s a good thing, i feel like most people could find something that’s useful in it. i wouldn’t say it’s life changing tho

[Vivi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fine, I will read everything Dr Faith G. Harper ever wrote 🙄 and she wrote a lot.
Impressed how a relatively short book included so much intersectionallty, good advice, many aha moments (which are so rare) and also jokes. Love her, I'm a fan!

This book changed some of my opinions and dare I say accept myself a bit more 💕 Thank you!

[Linn Fossdal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved Unfuck Your Brain. I loved this even more. Such an entertaining, thought-provoking and engaging book.
Also: Lots of bonus points for being inclusive of queer identities, trauma-informed (we have no choice but to stan) and truly sex-positive. I would recommend this book to anyone.

[Spencer Washington · Rating 5 out of 5]

It made me think more emotionally rather than logically about how I approached romance and love in the past, and how I want to handle it in the future.

[Dee’s Cozy Corner Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always get consent