Thriving in Love and Money: 5 Game-Changing Insights about Your Relationship, Your Money, and Yourself

by Shaunti Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn

Over 90 percent of couples experience some level of tension around money. In fact, money issues are the number one stressor in relationships. So many books try to fix the surface problems, such as how to budget and what to prioritize when it comes to finances, but the issues go much deeper than just a simple spreadsheet.

How do men and women view money differently? What do most couples fight about? How can they get on the same page? What questions should men/women ask their significant others before marriage? There are emotional and spiritual components to finances that most couples ignore. How can you agree on a budget if you disagree with each other on the basic purpose of money?

Thriving in Love and Money is based on original research Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn have conducted to get to the heart of these issues. And just as they did with their bestselling books For Women Only and For Men Only , they will use this research to provide the answers and insights you need to break the tension and provide the unity you're looking for. Let this book deepen your understanding of each other, leading to clear communication, peace as a couple, and better financial decision-making.
Also video curriculum and discussion guide.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Finance, Money, Christian, Self Help, Nonfiction

256 pages, Hardcover

Published March 3, 2020

About the author

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.

Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.

Reviews

[Gary L Rau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Three things affect the significance of our existence: time, money and relationships. Marriage brings all three of these to a point of intersection.

In their previous books, Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn have provided remarkable insight and research-based contributions to the understanding of male-female/husband-wife relationships. With “Money and Marriage”, they have done it again.

The research examines the different paradigms that men and women bring to viewing money. As usual, Jeff and Shaunti bring spot-on observations and analysis regarding the gender-based differences in how we approach the subject of money.

As Shaunti explains in her blog (not allowed to pose links in reviews, just search for Shaunti Feldhahn blog), this book was a personal journey for the couple. While having a good relationship in their marriage, Jeff and Shaunti had never connect over money. When the book proposal was introduced and after the initial shock wore off, Jeff and Shaunti embarked on a personal journey to discover the research-based key to successfully working together in their finances.

This book is the story of their success. Highly recommended for everyone who seeks to work together regarding money in their marriage.

[Staci · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love that this book was not another book on the "how-to's" of money. Instead, it gets underneath the reasons of how and why we spend in various ways-often different than our partner. I have learned that when I'm only focusing on what I see about my partner's behavior, it is harder to give him grace or understanding. I can see we both have our own emotional reasons for buying things and spending like we do and understanding motivations can really help have more peaceful conversations that work towards resolve instead of raging conversations on a topic that most of us avoid.

Money can be a super taboo topic and we need to be able to discuss it like any other topic that is important in a marriage. As a bonus, I love that a simple template is provided to get to the heart of the matter in our financial discussions. Thank you Shaunti and Jeff for having the courage to explore some new territory that can really help people have better financial intimacy in marriage. I also applaud your authenticity in sharing your own struggle with one another in marriage in this area!

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

More of the same gender essentialism that this author is known for.

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solid Continuation of Decades Long Research. I first encountered Shaunti's writing back *before* she began researching the things that would eventually lead her to much fame and this book, back when she was a *fiction* writer. Then she wrote a book called For Women Only nearly two decades ago... and has continued in that vein ever since, with this being the latest entry. Here, Feldhahn and her husband Jeff look specifically at how money shapes relationships and how each partner can understand both themselves and their partner in order to make the relationship stronger. Relying on research specifically for this book in addition to research and insight from previous books, this does a solid job of showing the root causes of much strife when it comes to money and will be yet another book quite a few therapists - Christian or not - recommend their patients read. I know the original books For Women Only and For Men Only helped me and some friends, and this one looks to have the same impact. Very much recommended.

[Kathryn, the_naptime_reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was my small group’s latest read. It lead to some really great conversation. Some great points and things to think about, as well as practical application. One that I think I would refer back to again.

[Lilly Fountain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was absurd. People sometimes argue about money. People hold different values and our values change as we grow and mature. There is not a male view of money nor is there a female view of money. Learning to understand yourself and your own values is important. Then learning to listen to your partner and see where you hold common values, and where you need to compromise is the key. Don't bother with this silly book.

[Tamara M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the way Shaunti and Jeff comibne research and come up with very practical but proufound suggestions on how to improve your relationships. This book is about money but not really about money 😅 It actually digs deeper and uncovers the underlying differences between spouses and the way that comes up in money-related-conflicts and arguments. Really great resource and highly recommended.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Note:  This book was provided free of charge by Bethany House Books.  All thoughts and opinions are my own.]

I am not completely unfamiliar with the authors [1], who have written a set of books geared towards helping men and women understand each other, helpfully called For Men Only and For Women Only.  When I chose this book to read, I did not realize that it was being aimed at married couples as a way of encouraging them to reflect upon the different ways that men and women think about money and how that relates to overall struggles in communicating what is most important to them.  Even if this book is not immediately relevant in an obvious way to me as a way of better understanding a spouse, it certainly is useful in helping me to understand my own approach to money and its origins.  Like many people, I have attitudes towards money that relate to being a man (which carries with it certain expectations) and also some that relate to my own background, and plenty that relate to my own priorities.  I think the book does a good job at not being hostile to its readers about these matters, which are admittedly rather contentious.

This book is about 250 pages long and is divided into 8 chapters with various statistical appendices about methodology and a first look at what prevents money tensions that are not included in this particularly hardcover version but are posted online.  The book begins with a discussion of the awkward fact that arguments and tension about money are not really about the money itself but about more fundamental expectations and priorities about life in general (1).  After that the authors talk about the daily problem of dealing with money issues and a simple solution about listening well and being honest about one's thought process (2).  The author talks about the way that people think of their own wants as reasonable without viewing others' wants as equally reasonable (3) and the struggles that happen when people seek to make themselves more secure in ways that make others less secure (4).  The author discusses the tensions in seeking independence (5) as well as the ways that different manners in thinking and listening create conflicts frequently between spouses (6).  The author then looks at the negative aspects of our knee-jerk reactions (7) as well as the return that comes from investing in mutual understanding (8), after which come acknowledgements and a love and money conversation model, as well as an index.

In reading this book I was struck in particular by the way that the authors sought to frame a discussion about gender in the awareness that gender was considered a problematic thing to base things on in the contemporary period.  Even ten years ago, this book would have been written a bit differently because certain things would have been assumed that cannot be assumed now, and the way that the authors use statistics and other evidence as a way of showing general patterns (while also commenting on the exceptions within those patterns) is a very thoughtful one.  Given that awkwardness and tension about money is a nearly universal issue that many people have to face, it is good to know that there are people who want to help make the conversations about these matters work out easier by addressing the deeper matters that go beneath the specific opinions about money and do so in a way that tend to alleviate conflicts and increase interpersonal respect, something that is all too rare when one is engaged in a tense discussion about money and tends to feel as if one is not doing a particularly good job at handling such matters.

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...

[Jill Rey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Money is one of the main sources of tension in any relationship. This book does an incredible job blending research with action in helping readers “getting on the same page” as their spouse. I really appreciated and enjoyed Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s approach to this book.  The authors’ writing was supported by their own sponsored research, but the dialogue was not bogged down in facts and figures that often put readers to sleep.  On the contrary, I breezed through this read and gained several insights that I use almost daily with my husband. 

Thriving in Love and Money included several moments that causes the reader to shake their head because it so perfectly grasps your spouse’s views on spending.  However, it conversely has moments of wide-eyed acceptance that, when you’re honest with yourself, are how you subconsciously feel or actively respond.  Regardless, this book gives readers several ways to productively look at money, spending and saving.

First, as with any research, the authors define their research questions.  These are the questions they seek to answer and the underlying purpose that sets this book apart from others in this genre. This question is: What is underneath our responses to money in marriage that either does or does not allow us to thrive?
 This research question led to great insights about financial unity busters and builders that allow the reader to gain perspective on themselves and their spouse.  However, one of the lessons that REALLY stuck with me was the explanation the authors gave on how women and men think differently about decisions, financial and otherwise.  They started by having the reader picture the tabs and windows open on an internet browser.  Men typically have one window open at a time in their brain, they like to process, close the window and then move to the next one.  Meanwhile, women often have MANY windows bothering them at once, they are bouncing back and forth, worrying about different things, trying to close windows and keep processing.  As a female, this really stuck with me.  Since reading this, deep conversations about what is stressing and worrying me with my husband have constantly brought me back to this analogy.  I may be stressing about 10 different things at once, but my husband is focused on solving one big one before letting the others bother him too much. 
There were several other gender related differences that have made an impact on our lives, but it was clear from the 200+ pages of this book that the authors had really created something usable and worthwhile from their research.  Thriving in Love and Money will hopefully become a staple in many relationships as savers and spenders seek to co-habitat and co-mingle their money.  I know I will certainly refer back to it again and again.

*Disclaimer: A review copy was provided by the publisher.  All opinions are my own.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Thriving in Love and Money, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn explored the topic of money and how it affects our marriages positively and negatively. For this book, they enlisted the help of a research team that consisted of at least twenty people. They surveyed more than 3,000 people of married, cohabiters, and many other demographics. Money is one of the difficult stress in marriage and it can also cause lots of arguments. They found out the best thing in marriage is being able to discuss money and budgeting openly and sharing what the other person is feeling. One of the things, they discovered was that the real issue is how we feel about money and our subconscious thoughts and they shared what was really going on below the surface. The book looked at different view and values in order to show readers that our spouse’s values things different from each other. We have to discuss and be open to listening to what the other is feeling about money. They also dived into the different feelings men and woman had and they took turns explaining the fears and insecurities we both have about money and how we view money differently. They also explored the busters of non-unity and some of the excuses we tell ourselves such as, it’s my money and my account, wanting to be in control of everything, being independent, and much more. In the opposite side, they looked at unity builders such as, believe the best of your spouse’s intentions, create join ownership in your finances, and much more.


I would recommend this great book on money and how to thrive in marriage. I immensely like how they switched voices throughout the book to help readers to see both sides of handling money. I liked they both share how they handled their own money talks and what they have learned about each other throughout the process. I think this book has the potential to help marriage couples to learn to talk about money more openly and they won’t be so afraid to have a discussion about budgeting, saving, and spending. I loved how they both encouraged you to read this book together and to make notes and to discuss with your spouse. If you’re looking for a book to help you with handling money and having important money discussions, then read this book!


“I received this book free from the publisher through the Bethany House Publishers/ Chosen book review bloggers program.”

[Aurelia Mast-glick · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 Game-Changing Insights about Your Relationship, Your Money, and Yourself

This is a very timely book to read right now with the world in chaos and the future looking uncertain and a bit scary. However, if you are looking for a how-to book on finances, go find a different book to read. This book is not on how you should handle your money, but rather your perspective of money and the value you place on certain things that pertain to money.

We often do not value things the same way our partner values things. And that can cause a lot of issues in a marriage.

Jeff and Shaunti do extensive research for their books and the book has lots of charts showing the percentages of things based on their surveys, etc. It's kind of fascinating to see the difference between men and women. They are quick to point out that these things are not true straight across the board, but can be a generalization of how the majority sees it.

"If you aren't thriving in the 'love' part of love and money, it will be difficult to come together enough to do the 'money' part well." So very true. I was surprised at how hard it is for couples to discuss finances together and how many couples will just run separate accounts so they don't have to talk about it or just ignore the elephant in the room as much as they can. And yet, it shouldn't surprise me; I am well aware of the issues and tensions money talk can create when a couple does not have the same views on it.

I just really enjoyed the book and think it would be very helpful for couples who struggle with finances, for couples who are newly married, and for couples who just want to understand their spouse better.

"We need to see generosity. And practice it. Because it detaches our hearts from our money." This was a good quote and one that spoke to me. I can be a bit tight-fisted and my husband not so much and while that can be a struggle for me at times, it also is something I love about him.

I received this book from Bethany House and was not required to write a positive review. All opinions expressed are my own.

[Danielle W · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting book. I wanted to like it. I liked the beginning: 3 years of research, hours of interviews, statistics.

It’s not a how-to book. It’s a spend some time figuring out why you or your spouse reacts certain ways to things type of book.

But it’s secretly a Christian book, sort of? There’s a random smattering of biblical views amidst the research. I’m a Christian and they way then flipped back & forth from the research to their religion was a little unsettling. It might have been fine if they said, “The research says this, which lines up with that” or “The Bible says this, and the research supports that”, but it wasn’t quite so clear as that.

What I liked:
* The writing was fun, going between both Shaunti and Jeff very clearly & fluidly. I liked their tone and general organization.
* Some of the content was great - figure yourself out - why do you do and feel the way you do? Then have a conversation with your partner about them.
* Most of the case studies & the analysis

What I didn’t like:
* The random Christian viewpoints
* The extended male brain vs female brain sections. Yes, men and women can be different, yes men often do this, women often do that. But not always. And the statistics time & time again showed about a 70/30 split. 70% of women do this. 70% of men do that. Even the female savers or the male spenders. If this were my research, I’d be looking into the 30%. What is it about the other 30% that don’t align with the other 70%? Or leave gender out of it altogether.

If you’re Christian and you generally fit along Christian-gender stereotypes, you’ll probably love this book.

[Nancy Larimer · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Thriving in Love and Money" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn is a nonfiction, Christian self help book on love and money. Shaunti got a graduate degree from Harvard. She has written lots of best selling books on relationships, a devotional series. She has been on the Today Show as well. She also does speaking engagements. Jeff has coauthored several of Shaunti's books. This book is written from research about men and women related to love and money. This book addresses key issues with love and money women and men face in their marriages. The issues are addressed from the perspective of men and women. So often men and women do not understand how each other thinks on theses issues. It is important to learn how each other thinks . After the man and woman understand how each other thinks they can be open and honest with each other without barriers. Marriages will be deeper and more satisfying if the barriers can be overcome. There is a DVD set to go with this book and a discussion guide. This book would be good for newly engaged couples and couples who are already married. Thank you to the publisher and author for allowing me to read and review this book. It is a very helpful resource for counselors, married couples, pastors, and engaged couples. This book was given to me for review purposes and the opinions are my own.

[Danielle Urban · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thriving in Love & Money is a great book to have for all couples. Eventually, things like money, yourself, and the relationship you're in will change. Sometimes with change, it can bring issues that are hard to navigate through alone. Inside this nonfiction self-help guide, both Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn walk readers, like myself, through each topic. Their writing makes it feel less like a lecture and more like an informative step-by-step ladder. I liked how well-researched this book's topics were done. Reading through it, I can tell a lot of work went through in making it to its finally form. Another reason why I enjoyed reading this book, was the examples they brought into each topic they discussed. I found myself able to relate to their story samples and understand what was being demonstrated. Overall, this is a great book that all couples should be gifted with in life.

I received this copy from the publisher. This is my voluntary review.

[Sudea Romo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is encouraging and helpful to say the least. if you're married one year or thinking of getting married or cohabitating... And you want to get a handle on finances (and some psychology and free therapy *wink wink*) and your relationship: this is a great book that has some helpful tools to help you think the best of one another and work as a team. You will want to take time to read and re-read, highlighting parts that are applicable to your situation...then work on the things that you could adjust & change to help better your partnership with your spouse. some things that were super helpful in this book were approaching one another with grace and compassion. Also when it comes to finances knowing how you're spending money while you're spending money and considering what your spouse is doing if they're a saver or a spender and why.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are the kind of person who values your relationship and wants to grow, then I would highly recommend you grabbing and reading this newest resource from Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn.

This is NOT a how to budget or get out of debt book. There are plenty of those kinds of books and resources out there. This book IS about growing in the marriage relationship and understanding the effect/impact of finances on it. Many of us come into marriage with ideas of money and don't realize how much stress comes from a lack of understanding of this topic.

This resource gives valuable insight and tools about how to communicate with each other in a positive way for the good and strengthening of the marriage relationship centered around money and finances. So, if you want to Thrive in both Love and Money, then purchase this book “Thriving in Love and Money” today.

[Sarah Poling · Rating 4 out of 5]

We've been married for 25 years-- and this is a book that we both picked up to read. This book is a great resource of strategies on how to communicate-- yes it's really focused on communicating about money--but truly it's also a great plan to figure out how men and women think differently and may not be communicating or speaking the same language.

The book is researched based and has percents, comparisons, and shares perspectives of a lot of couples. Making it a believable and thought provoking book. We stopped and discussed how we are doing on the main themes of each chapter and how we are doing communicating.

Great book for a couple at any point in their marriage, a solid foundation to expand your communication about money and the ideas transfer to many other conversations. Thankful to partner with Bethany House/Baker publishing to get a copy of the book.

[Charity Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short book but packed with tons of great information. Very few chapters and lots of headings so you can stop and ponder easily. Highly recommend. I have always learned things and grew as a person reading all her books...this one is no exception. This isn't your ordinary financial book. No real financial advice, but it shows you how people act with money and why. It truly does help you understand your spouse....and honestly other people too. It helps you see the other "side" and how each side normally isn't "wrong", they just have different priorities. Several of her examples I was like "Hey! We have a story like that!" I love how they admit their own struggles as a couple, but the book is very little about them. I am very thankful to own this one, and would buy it for a friend or newly married couple. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shaunti Feldhahn’s research has helped me learn so much about relating to my husband in more loving and productive ways. This new book, co-written by her husband, gives insight into the money conversations most married couples try to avoid. The research shows you how you compare to most other Americans and married couples – it will assure you that you aren’t alone in your assumptions and challenges. Best of all, it gives you insight into how men and women think differently, plus plenty of discussion points to have with your partner. I feel equipped to have some breakthrough money conversations with my husband, thanks to this book.

I received a preview copy of Thriving in Love and Money from Bethany House Publishers.

[Elisabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thriving in Love & Money has been a game-changer for how I approach my marriage and relationship with my husband! My husband and I are complete opposites when it comes to money and this has been a significant challenge in our marriage. Shaunti and Jeff's insights have really helped me see that the money issues aren't about money! This book has encouraged me to look for how I can learn about and respect my husband's different money values AND then deal with the underlying issues rather than argue about the money. Struggling in your marriage with how you connect (or disconnect) over money? Read this book!! You (and your spouse) will be so glad you did. :)

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m going to buy this book for every friend or family member I can. In fact, I might buy two so they can share with their own friends.

Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn have done a terrific job to capture how people tend to communicate about their finances. Recognizing the attitudes behind our reactions is so helpful. Understanding each other and how we process needs brings a smoothness to relationships that restore or nourish the joy and happiness many of us most desire for our relationships.

This is a great book and, if you can both read it, you’ll have the best experience of all!

[Danette · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Feldhahns don't get into the details of HOW to do budgets, saving, and investing but the communication between spouses around finances. It's important to talk about finances - even if it seems easier to avoid the subject (and the potential arguments). The Feldhahns show us how to really HEAR our spouse and work toward unity in our marriage of which, finances are a huge part.
I can see this book being helpful for many couples.

2020 A book about money or finance

[Jeff Austin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. Incredibly helpful for gaining perspective. My wife and I have struggled to see eye-to eye on finances for our entire marriage, and many issues described in Shaunti's book described us to a T. We now have some language to help us talk through the issues that were dividing us. Thank you so much! I can't wait to share this and help others through these same issues.

[JeNom Makama · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relevant, practical and realistic. These are my description for the principles contained in this book. Among the many real-life illustrations, backed by research, you will that you can relate. Whatever your stage in the marriage you will find this book beneficial.

Sincerely, I have been helped. Can't wait for my wife and I to engage the book.

[Another_Book_to_Ponder · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was eye opening! I recommend this book to all couples no matter how old or how long you’ve been married! I will be putting it on the list for those engaged couples in my life!

Take the Assessment: https://thriveinloveandmoney.com

I received a complimentary copy of this book from NetGalley on behalf of the Publisher and was under no obligation to post a favorable review.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not your typical "here's how to do a budget" book for couples. Shaunti and Jeff discuss the deeper issues in why couples conflict over money. AND-they back it with fun survey data from couples across the country.

I recommend this to lots of couples in my clinical marriage counseling office. As a plus, chapter 6 does a great job of teaching communication skills to couples in general.

[Zarathustra Goertzel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A rather good book. The core insight is that "money is a window into the soul". Most conflicts surrounding money reflect different strategies in life, different values, judgments, etc.

I find it cute how when "male and female differences" are discussed, I often fall under the "female style of processing" :'D.

[Lori Brozowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has amazing insight in relationships around money. It was truly eye-opening to see how fears and worries about money cause conflict and how he processes so differently than I do. I will certainly be working to understand my husband's perspective on spending and saving and be more honest with him about mine. The stories is the book are very relatable and the research was impressive. A very good book, I will be recommending this to all my friends!

[Michael Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well thought out and thought provoking book. I actually read it twice - the second as more for taking notes. Especially in these times, this book is a beacon to those who are afraid or worried about talking about money in relationships.