How to stop feeling like shit: 14 manieren om zelfdestructieve gewoonten te veranderen

by Andrea Owen

For everyone who loved You Are a Badass and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck--a cut-through-the-crap guide to quitting the self-destructive habits that undermine happiness and success

How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t is a straight-shooting approach to self-improvement for women, one that offers no-crap truth-telling about the most common self-destructive behaviors women tend to engage in. From listening to the imposter complex and bitchy inner critic to catastrophizing and people-pleasing, Andrea Owen--a nationally sought-after life coach--crystallizes what's behind these invisible, undermining habits. With each chapter, she kicks women's gears out of autopilot and empowers them to create happier, more fulfilling lives. Powerfully on-the-mark, the chapters are short and digestible, nicely bypassing weighty examinations in favor of punch-points of awareness.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Audiobook, Psychology, Mental Health, Personal Growth

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 2, 2018

Reviews

[Sofie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Still feel like shit. But now I understand why.

[Elyse Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Library overdrive Audiobook,
read by the author: Andrea Owen

This book was valuable and relatable.
I never once rolled my eyes > a plus!

I just purchased the physical book, and plan to do the exercises- as on paper -in a notebook... while on vacation.
Happy to have others join.📝💕
I’ll take the book with me to Hawaii ...
leaving Dec 1st for two weeks.

In my thinking, this it’s a great book ‘to work’ with at the end of the year/start of a new year. Personal inventory is not a bad thing!

I’m familiar- in theory - with much of what Andrea talks about -
our inner critic, isolating, hiding out, numbing with vices, comparing ourselves to others, self sabotaging, people pleasing, blaming etc.

I read her chapter on the imposter complex ( doubting our own accomplishments/worthiness), with a lot of curiosity. Fascinating chapter.

I was - a little triggered when she talked about ‘blame’...
( even as a receiver)...
I noticed that there have been times in my life.... when I have tried to connect with people who definitely don’t like me whatsoever...[but I like ‘them’ was my thinking]. Is anyone to blame? And how have I reacted to obvious blame?
Beat myself up? Yes, guilty!
Back to that inner critic again!

There was a time I never even realized that being on Goodreads was SOCIAL MEDIA. (let alone notice red flag negativity: me being part of the problem too)...,
I just never thought in those terms.
But....having felt hurt a few times ( perhaps I’m to blame - perhaps the other people play a roll too)....I’ve learned ...
“Gosh Darn It”, it hurts: period.....to ‘feel’ rejected.
Ha... add the junk we make up in our heads.

Andrea shared about ways social media can affect our lives ....
It’s an area - at least- worth exploring more deeply - IMO...
I like the way this book was easily structured ...
Looking at unhealthy habits - and suggested tools for solutions.

I admit - some personal house cleaning - with the intention of feeling more vitality and joy again - is something I’m interested in at the moment.
Just being honest!

So... an easy 5 star rating from me.

Cheers!!! wishing others well being...
great friendships...
feeling connected...
worthy...
proud of your contributions...
your bodies...
and real joy in life!

Thanks to Andrea Owen ( very new to me)...
I only wished she lived in my neighborhood and ran a women’s group. I’d sign up!

[7jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars (mainly because of the fewness of my habits to repair, and the lightness - though goodness - of solutions)

Now, this book is meant for women with certain bad action habits, though I feel that some men might benefit from borrowing this somewhere :) The author talks about 14 habits to break, habits that undermine one's happiness. She's no stranger to many of these habits, but is now (mostly) better. The point is to replace the habit with a better habit(s). Each chapter introduces the habit, guesses where it comes from, then gives some possible solutions, with questions tacked at the end in a box.

The habits are: 1. the inner critic (most common, the author says), 2. isolating and hiding, 3. numbing, 4. comparing and despairing, 5. self-sabotage, 6. imposter complex, 7. people-pleasing and approval-seeking, 8. perfectionism, 9. being 'strong', 10. control freak, 11. catastrophizing, 12. blaming others, 13. not giving any f*cks, 14. overachieving.

In my case, I found two to be true, and two to have something for me in them. The rest, that you might not have, are still worth reading though, especially if they appear later in your life. Of course, as you can see from title there is some swearing, but honestly she doesn't pepper the texts with much of it, it's not the point.

I think the chapter after the last habit, the one on values, is the most important company for improving yourself. It might look familiar to some, but is still worth repeating: the chapter on VALUES. Having them, you know better when to turn opportunities and requests etc. down, and honor your values that way. Doing some work finding out yours is clearly a good idea, and the part about having a mantra and a manifesto connected to them was great.

Although I found that most of the habits didn't apply to me, the helpful suggestions to the ones that mattered, and the talk about the values after made the book worth reading.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't think this book was even for me. I mean, I don't feel like sh*t, for starters. I'm pretty together. I've done lots of "self-work." And yet... to my surprise, I found myself on nearly every page. And always with a straightforward and so helpful here's-what-to-do-about-it.

The author is direct but never lacks kindness. She's as compassionate as she's frank. And she's funny.

I loved the writing. I'm already using the advice. And I'm better for having read this book.

[Blaire Jackson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I must say that I am not that pleased with this book. It is motivational, but it is even more clique. I felt like I already knew all of the tips that she gave and, even though I tried, I didn't get much from the book. I do recommend if you want a clean start of your life or you are in a complete rut.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I consider myself to not really be a fan of "self-help" books, but I think that when I think of them, I think of the new age/spiritual/positivity movement style books that I think are a waste of my time. I am a cynical skeptic, and books like "Think Yourself Rich" (your choice which one, there are plenty) or "The Secret" just seem like a bunch of bunk to me. Maybe they work for you, but they won't for me, because I'm not interested. At all.

But, despite being not a fan of "self-help" books, I've read and listened to quite a lot of them that I have enjoyed... This is my second of the year in fact, and it's only mid-March. And if we count history, social justice, and feminism nonfiction books, which arguably are intended to educate and better oneself, I'm up to 9 already. Maybe I should stop saying that I'm not a self-help reader.

I bring that up because throughout this book the author would refer to it as "self-help" and it made me uncomfortable. "I don't READ self-help, lady! Stop it!" But then, I had to ask myself why I felt such a visceral reaction to her describing her own book in that way. And the answer is shame. I have internalized the stigma that self-help books are... woo-woo. And that I don't believe in them. And that they are garbage that play on people's insecurities and fears to make money, and a whole host of other inaccurate assumptions. (Semi-inaccurate assumptions. See above.)

And yet... here I was. I had bought and read and liked and believed in this book, and perusing my Goodreads shelf shows that it's not at all the first "self-help" book I've purchased, read, or enjoyed. In fact, there are so many that I should probably have a specific shelf for them.

Baby steps.

I picked this one up because "feeling like shit" is a well-known quantity in my life. I have a lot of shittiness in my head that I need to work through and purge... just like we all do. And this book helped to clarify some of the specific types of shittiness that I may be holding on to, and ways to work toward getting it out of my skull. I would be lying if I said that this is the first book to do so, or that THIS one is going to work where the previous one(s) failed, but I think that each adds a little bit of recognition and understanding and some additional insight into why I might be keeping it around, and why I shouldn't and how to get it out of my head.

From the beginning, I LIKED this book because Andrea Owen pulls no punches. This isn't a book that you can read, or listen to, and then be magically cured of all your shitty self-defeating and self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. She specifies, over and over and over, that you have to put in the work, and practice it, again and again and again. Maybe forever. Because these thoughts are normal. But not healthy.

One thing that I was sort of surprised by was that this book was geared towards women, specifically. I get why... Women have historically and still are conditioned to a whole different mindset and thought process than what men generally are taught. On a daily basis I see tweets, articles, anecdotes, "Am I The Asshole" Reddit threads, etc etc etc about the emotional and mental load that women carry that men just... don't. We are trained to notice emotional shifts that are just completely oblivious to men. We are trained to caregive for others while holding our needs and desires in so as to not appear selfish or ungrateful. We're expected to downplay our accomplishments or experience, not toot our own horn or step out of our lane... so many, many things that we internalize that men just don't have to deal with. I don't say these things to be misandrist. I say them because they are true, and that these are the kinds of things that lead us to unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.

This book, to be clear, does NOT go into any information on sexism, misogyny, feminism, or assign any blame to men or the patriarchal society that we live in. I am doing that. Because I'm smart and capable of connecting dots. And again, it's true.

But this book does want us to un-internalize these lessons and feelings and inadequacies. Because they aren't helping us, they are only keeping us stagnant and fearful and ashamed. I identified with a lot of the behaviors and thoughts described here, but most particularly impostor syndrome. I feel like this section described me every single day at work, and even while listening to it, I was downplaying it in my head, saying to myself "No... I just self-deprecate..." AS THOUGH THAT IS BETTER. Sigh. This is why I need this book.

So... Read this.

Read it if you're a woman who feels any kind of way and wants to let that shit go... and are prepared to put in the work. (This means, you, Becky.) ((Yeah, I know, shut up!))

Read it if you're a man who wants to better understand the shit that women think all the time, and which generally leads people to thinking that we're neurotic bitches. We don't WANT to be. We've just been trained to be, and we have to unlearn it.

[Jennifer Tuggey · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book started out with me deeply connecting to it. I was so invested. I bought a notebook, answered her questions, was heavily involved. The list of different categories about my life and how self-talk about them was very eye opening to me, and a little bit sad. But then it suddenly stopped applying to me. I’m not an over-achiever, and I NEVER use the word cojones.

I guess I struggle with most self-help books. I need to read them, I want to read them, but then... the people writing them are too much for me. Too pretty and put together and smiley. Suddenly I’m jealous of the photo on the back.

It’s like, I want to read the before book, and not the after. More empathy than advice.

I think I’ll go back to fiction now.

[Roland · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did not know that this book was intended for women when I started it, but it had some good advice that applies to anyone.

[Sharon :) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book!!!! Definitely will re-read and reference again.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gets four stars because of the chapter on overachieving. I found that many traits either didn’t apply to me, or were ones I’ve read about thoroughly elsewhere (self-compassion vs self-criticism, and perfectionism). But the chapter on overachieving was so on-the-nose, that I have to believe some of the other chapters would be much more meaningful to others:

“Overachieving is making your accomplishments who you are. It’s basing your self-worth on your accomplishments. Many overachievers hold extremely high standards for themselves and everyone around them. The two biggest issues overachievers tell me they struggle with are anxiety and insomnia.”

THIS IS ME. And while none of this is new or shocking information, it got me to stop and think. Andrea Owen tells you to get to the root of the issue and address why you are the way you are, because when you understand what’s causing you to feel or behave a certain way, you can address the way you react—which will eventually cause you to stop feeling like shit!

Honestly, this wasn’t the book I was looking for, because feeling like shit, to me, is currently more of a physical fitness problem. That’s what I get for picking a book based on the title, but ultimately it worked out. Also, this book is intended for women (Owen constantly addresses the reader as “sister” or uses generalizations such as “we as women”), but I do think that there are useful lessons in here for everyone. Men can be overachievers and perfectionists, too!

See more of my reviews: Blog // Instagram

[Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Still feel like shit but in a slightly more self-aware way. Three stars. Added an extra one for that cover and title.

[Beary Into Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5?

I think this book will be different for every person who reads it. We all struggle and have our own issues that we need to work on. Whether or not you struggle with the issues in this book just depends on you. I didn’t find this book to be particularly helpful but I did find it to be relatable. A lot of what was discussed in this book are issues that I currently struggle with. I am 100% open to being helped but what was being offered to me through this book didn’t help me. However, that is totally okay! To be honest, I didn’t go into this book expecting it to fix all of my problems. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that others go through the same thing and to know you aren’t alone. One thing I did like was how the author explained certain habits. She did it in a way that made you understand without making you feel stupid. Overall, I would recommend this book because it was still an interesting read.

Thank you so much @sealpress for the gifted copy. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Lata · Rating 4 out of 5]

A straightforward, amusingly profane approach to doing the hard work of dealing with one’s emotions and potentially harmful behaviours. The author poses good questions, and provides a small set of really tough but worthwhile things to do at the conclusion of each chapter.

[Kerry]

Certainly one of the better self-help books with profanity in their titles!
This is actually not bad. Unlike SOME profanity self-help books, she did not tell me to buy a car I can't afford and simply BELIEVE that I will somehow find enough money to pay for the car (a real example from You Are a Badass).
This was like...normal therapy stuff. Not bad!

[Jubilee Huerta]

This genre is my jam. I try to always be reading one self help book to keep me motivated and in check with my dreams. This book has made it into my top 10 of the genre. Andrea Owen found herself at her lowest point. Her husband cheated on her, she was struggling with alcohol abuse, and she felt like sh*t. Through emotional healing and self improvement she was able to create a life she actually loved. In this book, Andrea points out 14 self destructive behaviors that women often fall into. There are some really good exercises in here for finding out what you struggle with and how to stop it from controlling your life.

[Mary Clare · Rating 2 out of 5]

Full review!

In this book, Owen explores 14 commonly held habits, how to identify them, how they are holding you back, and how you can start to get rid of them.

How to Stop Feeling Like Shit is a great starter kit for someone who is looking for some guidance on how to get out of an emotional rut. It's great for people who might be starting to think about what parts of their lives, minds, and behaviors might not be serving them well.

To me, the most valuable parts of this book are the parts that teach you how to identify the habits that you may not even know you have. For example, her chapter about Imposter Syndrome actually explained it to me in a way that made me aware that I definitely have those thought patterns. In the past, I've read about it and thought that what I go through doesn't really qualify as true Imposter Syndrome, which I am now noticing is probably a sure sign that I have it! I have Imposter Syndrome about Imposter Syndrome, and I never would have thought about that or taken it seriously if it weren't for how Owen broke down the issue and explained it so clearly.

Other chapters are similarly clear in explaining the habits in a way that will help readers identify the problems in their own minds, which I believe is a big and important first step. You can't deal with a problem that you don't know is there. Almost every chapter left me thinking about my own mind and how the habits Owen described manifest in my own life.

That being said, I was already aware that I had many of these problems (such as a harsh inner-critic and approval seeking). Having already been aware of those problems. I found this book to be reassuring but ultimately not very helpful. It is reassuring to know that other people go through what I go through and that my problems are common. It feels reassuring to know that my brain is not unique in the ways it holds me back. However, I found the strategies that Owen provides to kind of basic. A lot of the advice amounts to "stop doing that and journal about why you did it in the first place" which is not wrong advice but is not the most helpful.

These behaviors are habits and are therefore very difficult to alter. Even if you journal about it. Even if you make lists and ask yourself hard questions and observe your own behavior, these habits are still hard to get rid of. Ultimately, I think the strength in this book and the part of this book that helped me the most was knowing that my experience is not singular or unique, knowing that others are going through it as well, not so much the parts of the book that attempt to give practical advice.

I would say that if you are just awakening to your issues and beginning to try to change your habits, this book might be incredibly useful and a fantastic first step. However, if you have read books like this before or seen a therapist or spent an embarrassing amount of time in the self-love section of Pinterest, then this book might not have a lot of new information for you.

[Hestia Istiviani · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read in English but this reviews is in Bahasa Indonesia

You're not doing life wrong: you don't have a "bad vibration." It's just how it is.

Suatu hari aku melakukan maraton kelas secara daring. Seingatku ada dua kelas yang secara berurutan membawa pemahaman baru untukku. Di situ aku merasa, "Gila! Aku harus lebih banyak membaca. Masih ada hal yang aku belum tahu." Gumaman itu membuatku sedikit gusar hingga aku mengekspresikannya di Twitter. Rupanya, Mega membaca twitku itu dan langsung menyarankanku untuk membaca buku ini.

Mega sempat beberapa kali mengunggah status kalau ia tengah membaca buku ini. Aku juga sempat melihat edisi terjemahannya dijual di salah satu pelapak di Shopee. Membaca premisnya, sepertinya buku ini layak dicoba. Siapa tahu, perasaan gusarku bisa berangsur reda.

How to Stop Feeling LIke Sh*t dibagi menjadi 16 bab dengan 14 bab adalah kebiasaan yang seringkali dilakukan oleh kita untuk tidak mengapresiasi. Sisa 2 babnya adalah kesimpulan.

Menariknya dari buku ini adalah Andrea Owen selaku penulis memfokuskan pada perempuan. Ia punya alasannya sendiri. Bagi Owen, perempuan seringkali diminta untuk tidak banyak bersuara, taat pada tata aturan, tidak menonjol, dan serentetan kata "tidak" yang dikonstruksikan oleh budaya patriarkis. Akibatnya, ketika seorang perempuan merasa senang atau sedih, ia menjadi menekan emosinya tersebut untuk menghindari "keluar batas." Padahal, mengekspresikan emosi merupakan suatu kondisi yang harus dilakukan agar meminimalisir kemungkinan tidak percaya diri.

Itu tadi baru satu hal. Masih ada hal-hal lain yang langsung ditunjukkan oleh Owen yang menjadi penghalang mengapa perempuan terus-menerus merasa kalau mereka "Not good enough"

We must practice being brave and vulnerable by looking over the walls we have built up to "protect" ourselves and venturing through them to try and connect. We must practice getting these things wrong, circling back, and trying again.

Secara jujur, Owen mengatakan bahwa referensi yang ia pakai adalah materi Brene Brown. Bagi mereka yang sudah pernah membaca atau mendengar apa itu "Shame study" dan "Vulnerable study" yang dilakukan oleh Brene Brown, rasanya akan lebih mudah mencerna pesan dari Owen. Beberapa poinnya saling berkaitan.

Seperti yang sudah aku sampaikan di atas, buku ini memang ditujukan untuk memberikan kepercayaan diri kepada perempuan sebagai imbas dari peraturan yg patriarkis. Maka dari itu, contoh dan analogi yang diberikan juga cukup dekat dengan kehidupan perempuan.

Aku sendiri merasa nyaman membaca buku ini. Singkat, tidak bertele-tele, namun menggarisbawahi isu yang selama ini terkesan "jahat" bagi perempuan.

Terima kasih Mega untuk rekomendasinya!

[LocdInBooks · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well this was underwhelming; a typical cookie cutter American soccer mum ‘enlightening’ guidebook to happiness which is however  universally known but manages to be disappointingly but expectedly not so practical... Realistically.
First problem I had with the book was its false advertisement; it was marketed to be the perfect book for WOMEN who liked the Subtle art of not giving a f**k. I don't know why they did so. Was it because of her throwing in a few curse words and rhetorical questions? Or mentioning sis, dear, and giving occasional genetic female references. Either way that was a heavy miss, at least to me.
Second, it was very lackluster and not memorable. She did have a few gems and zingers here and there (which by the time you are a full-fledged adult you should have learnt by now) but not enough to make me not feel  like shit while reading it. The whole time I was reading it I couldn't wait for it to end not because I liked it so much but because I wanted it to be over. There was no motivation to pick it up and it was difficult picking up the book again after any break.
At the end of the book, I honestly couldn't recall any of the habits let alone what to do to stop doing it according to her.
This review may sound harsh but tbh even with it not being 'standoutish' I saw she did try to sound relatable (as much as a white woman could) and the habits she mentioned were spot on and really should be addressed. I really think that this book will really shine as an audiobook (already available on audible) but I would probably bump it up to 3 stars if Bailey Sarian narrated it. And as far as Self-help books are concerned I guess it's okay.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This title jumped off the bookstore shelf at me ... given that I was in the midst of thinking through how to make some changes in my own life, I went ahead and picked it up. I wouldn't say it was life changing but it did give me some things to think about. I found that I really related to quite a bit of this book and found some strategies that I'll be putting into place. There is some 'woo woo' sort of stuff here so if that will turn you off, this might not be for you. I didn't find an issue with that myself. I don't mind a little woo, I guess! The bottom line is that this book takes a look at a number of different habits where the author identifies them, how they are affecting you and how you can work on addressing them. I recommend looking at the habits and seeing if any of them resonate with you. If they do, this might be a good book to pick up. All in all, I'm glad that I read this one and I'll be working through the strategies throughout the year.

[Close Enough · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe That the ancestor of any action is a thought, this book digs deeper inside our minds to chase the weird and toxic thoughts we tend to act according to them sometimes without paying attention or we loathe to admit that we are burning ourselves in the sake of staying in the comfort zone.
what prompted me to read this book was its odd funny title, I felt the honesty and the integrity beyond the writer's words..

[J · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible book. Not everyone says mean things to themselves, hides from people, and avoids feelings, but this author is sure you do. Couldn't convince myself to finish.

[Yv · Rating 3 out of 5]

Het moment dat je als 30-er in de put komt te zitten omdat je leven stil lijkt te staan is op momenten angstaanjagend dichtbij en heeft voor een niet zo lekker plekje in mijn velletje gezorgd. Een aantal bizarre en heftige gebeurtenissen zorgden ervoor dat dat nare vel zich steeds strakker om me heen sloot, tot ik me geen raad meer wist aan het overschot aan emoties. Een vriendin drukte met dit boek in mijn handen met de woorden 'zet je sceptische jij even aan de kant en lees eerst voordat je je mening vormt'. 'Nou vooruit dan maar, omdat jij het bent'. En ik begon met lezen...

De eerste paar hoofdstukken raakten me hard en zorgden ervoor dat het tranen regende. Dus zeker een kern dat ergens op mij sloeg. Daarna merkte ik echter dat veel dingen algemener werden, waarmee ik me nauwelijks kon identificeren en waardoor ik denk dat het een goed boek zou zijn voor mensen die wat dieper in die put terecht zijn gekomen dan ik. Her en der kwam ik een passage tegen waarin in mezelf zeker herkende. De praktijkvoorbeelden die erin pronken, geven motivatie om dingen anders te zien. De hoofdstukken worden afgesloten met pittige opdrachten. Sommige zijn zelfs zo pittig, dat ik ervan overtuigd ben dat je het met alleen dit boek niet gaat redden, maar er meer hulp bij nodig zult hebben.

Het is een verademing om te lezen dat jijzelf niet die enige vrouw met 'kronkels' bent. Vrouwen zijn apart (of, we moeten positief blijven: mannen zijn apart :P ) en het gevoel dat je krijgt als je over een gebeurtenis van een lotgenoot leest, creëert een soort van saamhorigheid. Ook is het bijzonder om te lezen dat ons ingewikkelde brein eigenlijk niet eens zo ingewikkeld werkt, maar gewoon heel complex is. Interessant!

Ik ben er ook van overtuigd dat dit boek geen wegen openbreekt. Maar als je ervoor open staat, zou het wel een handvat kunnen zijn om dingen lichter te zien en hiermee toch een klein stapje in een verandering in je leven aan te brengen.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing groundbreaking, but a good introductory round-up of the habits we have that hold us back. Sometimes it's good to remind yourself of the basics before really diving deep into self-therapy.
The tone can be a little grating at times, but it's a quick read.

[Margot Note]

"A great mantra for self-forgiveness is: 'I'm human, and I made a mistake'" (21).

"Part of boundaries is being able to say no and having it just be a no" (102).

"The alluring and tempting promise perfection makes is this: if we look perfect and behave perfectly, we can avoid the pain of rejection, or being 'less than,' thus also avoiding one of the most painful feelings of them all--shame" (11o).

"Being strong is
--Asking for help
--Not doing All the Things just because we can do All the Things.
--Actually feeling your feelings instead of numbing them, ignoring them, or wounding others to ease our pain" (126).

[Nicolette Lind · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think I've ever given a self help book 5 stars.. but I think this one deserves it. She explores the reasons behind unhealthy habits and by the end provides a "road map" to help navigate things in a way that's best for the reader. This book just really resonated for me.

[Rachel Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tbh this did kind of make me feel less like sh*t

[☘Misericordia☘ ⚡ϟ⚡⛈⚡☁ ❇️❤❣ · Rating 4 out of 5]

More musings on the subtle art of badassery and not giving f*ck: not feeling like sh*t.

Q:
Be Nice to the Ace in Your Life—You (c)
Q:
Life just happens.
Life is hard. Not because we’re doing it wrong, but because life is hard.—GLENNON DOYLE MELTON
Crises happen, people are assholes, we get dumped, toddlers throw tantrums, teenagers keep us awake at night worrying, the doctor gives the diagnosis we didn’t want. You’re not doing life wrong; you don’t have a “bad vibration.” It’s just how it is. (c) Or, just skipping the blame game that sometimes happens with the improperly placed locus of control.
Q:
Life happens. Struggle happens. (c)

On raising back up. From anywhere including the rock bottom. Or 14 habits to scrap yesterday. Such as:
- For no longer being an asshole to oneself: get that inner critic under control
- The internal beating oneself in order to get over some or other stuff makes one need to be needing to get over more stuff. Bad idea overall.

AFGO, catastophising - love the terms.

Some of this seems to be a bit superficial. Then again, a lot of ideas are actually great and passionate and, (big surprise!) useful!

Q:
Where does this voice come from? The gutters of hell?
Well, actually, yes, it comes from a miserable little town in hell where the mayor is a jackass. (c)
Q:
He chuckled and nonchalantly said, “Is that even a real degree?” (c)
Q:
Maybe not a walking-around-with-your-head-down-and-tail-between-your-legs feeling, but if you beat yourself up on a regular basis, it takes its toll on your overall happiness, your self-confidence, and your self-esteem. Plus, it bleeds into other areas of your life and fuels the desire for perfectionism, the need for control, the desire to hide out, and many of the other habits you’ll read about in this book. (c)
Q:
I threw some M&Ms and an iPad at my kids, told them to leave me alone for an hour and that their life depended on it, and ran upstairs to interview her. (c)
Q:
“I’m going to choose the mantra of ‘FUCK YOU’ to my inner critic!” (c) Or not. That's still telling f u to yourself.
Q:
Most people aren’t proficient in empathy unless they love personal development or are a hospice nurse. (c)
Q:
“At the end of the day, I just want to check out. I want to mentally walk away from my life where I don’t have the pressure of being a mom.” I used to call this the “mini-vacation,” and I did it too. (c)
Q:
They gained all that light because they walked through the dark. One of my favorite terms is AFGO, which stands for “another fucking growth opportunity.” AFGOs show up pretty regularly; consider them invitations. We don’t get better when the weather is calm and things are all unicorns farting rainbows. We get better when things fall apart, and we pick the pieces back up. (c)
Q:
What is catastrophizing, you ask? A punk band? Could be and should be. But for us, it’s one of the habits that make women feel like shit.
Catastrophizing looks like this: Say things are going well in your life. Great, even. Your job is good, your relationship is smooth sailing, and your checking account isn’t overdrawn. You’re skipping along all peachy and then you think, “This can’t last. I wonder when all this will fall apart?” Or maybe you’re finally pregnant after months of trying. Then you start obsessing on miscarriages, Googling statistics, and wondering when a miscarriage will happen to you.
Sometimes I still catastrophize with the best of them. (c)

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Andrea Owen looks at 14 various ways we women employ to make our lives miserable . She then offers advise on how to overcome those soul sucking habits so that we may find happiness.
The first one, which underlies most of the others, she calls 'Being an Asshole to Yourself'. We can be brutally hard on ourselves and she gives advise on how to manage our inner critic.
The next is 'Go Away and Leave Me Alone' which deals with how we isolate ourselves and hide out as a way of protecting ourselves... but we need to reach out and talk to others. Sharing lets us see we are not so alone and that others are going through similar stuff. Hiding keeps us small.
The third one is 'Checking out'. Owens talks about the various ways we numb ourselves - food, alcohol, excessive shopping.
'Compare and Despair: The Never-Ending Mind F*ck' Woman compare themselves to others and think they come up poorly. The inner critic plays a happy game here and we suffer for it. Let t go.
'The Demolition Derby of Your Life: Self Sabotage' We don't think we deserve the god life so we short circuit our happiness.
Some of the other chapters are:
'Feeling Like a Fraud: The Imposter Complex'
'People Pleasing and Approval Seeking'
'Perfection Prison: Self Destruction at Its Finest'
'Being Strong: The Illusive Tough Exterior'
'Just Let Me Do It: Start Letting Go of Control'
'The Sky is Falling: Bracing Yourself for Catastrophe'
'The Blame Game: Your Ticket to Disconnection'
'Zero F*cks Mentality: Cynicism on Steroids'
'Nobody Likes a Sucker: The Downside of Overachieving'
Most women I know do some combination of these. In fact, I not only see things I do, but I would love to give a couple of my friends this book to help them... find some conception of happiness.
Either way, finding happiness is a process and I intend to keep this book close at hand to help me through the worst of my habits.
I think it is well worth the time to read.... and to take her advise to heart. We deserve happiness, Ladies. Let's woman up and get rid of our baggage.

[Yasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

En realidad, 3.5.

Este libro resulta bastante útil para todo aquel que esté pasando por un momento díficil en su vida. Pero no uno cualquiera, sino uno que la propia persona no es capaz de identificar o cuya gravedad ha llegado a tal punto que ha paralizado el curso de su vida. Suena drástico pero hay personas que no tienen realmente una vida normal y no son conscientes de que cosas tan sencillas que hacen y que les puede resultar cotidianas están afectando a su felicidad o a la capacidad de conseguirla en un futuro.
Por ello, este libro ayuda a estas personas que no saben cómo reconducir sus vidas después de haber experimentado el fracaso, el rechazo, el aislamiento, etc. Este libro contiene muchos ejemplos que ayudan al lector a entender las explicaciones de la autora y aunque parezcan sencillos e incluso « banales » ayudan al lector a darse cuenta y a identificar el verdadero problema de la sociedad: la invisibilidad de muchas situaciones que nos causan depresión, desgracia, etc.

Ya os digo, este libro no es para cualquiera. Creo que hay que leerlo en el momento adecuado para poder sacarle algún tipo de beneficio a los consejos que te dan en él.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was my morning commute listen for most of January, to try to get myself focused and calm and ready to set more positive goals for the day. It worked, mostly, at least for a bit each morning. :) This is kind of like a teaser survey course of the ideas of the biggest self-help books being passed around right now. There’s a lot of Brene Brown lite, you know there’s come Love Warrior references. Some chapters are basically just their stuff reworked, shorter, with different anecdotes and fewer Texan/Jesus references. And that’s still good stuff! The perfectionism chapter is a great nutshell of a thing. But my favorite was the one that the author seemed most genuinely connected to, that had the most visceral I Get It stuff. Which for me was Chapter 15, on overachieving. I thought it was far and away the best one with the most effective Real Talk. Especially when paired with listening to the perfectionism chapter right before. Recommend!