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314 pages, Paperback
First published August 14, 2018
Someday I too will be indifferent to what happens on earth, like everyone else. But that takes time, and there are so many voices not yet hushed. A distant hubbub from professors and criminologists and private investigators and journalists. They say you die three times. The first time for me was when my heart stopped beating beneath his hands by the lake, and the second was when what was left of me was lowered into the ground in front of Ivan and Raksha at Solna Church. The third time will be the last time my name is spoken on earth. And so I am waiting for it to happen. I wish all the voices would hush soon. I don’t like hearing my name. It crawls like insects in the place where my heart once was.
You might as well get used to the idea that life is not going to be the way you want it to be, that one day you too will sell a bit of yourself. Maybe not your cunt, but most certainly your soul, at the perfume counter in Åhléns or as director of some television company or president of a youth group. So I believe it was determined from the beginning of time, or at least from the moment I emerged from Raksha’s womb one night at the end of the fifties, that I would meet this hunter on the forest.
Shortly after I had met Shane we went into the city one evening to buy shoes, and I went off for two weeks. I was going back to him the entire time, to everyone I met during that period I would say I was going home, and it was the first time in my life I had felt like that, that I actually was going home. “I’m going home,” I said to anyone who asked, and I was so tremendously happy when I said it. But for all that, I didn’t go home.
"Berättelserna om hur universum fortsätter att expandera gör det lättare för mig att släppa taget nu, tanken på att vi är en del av en och samma oändliga rörelse. Jag tänker: Vad som än händer oss har det bara gått en sekund av evigheten."