Wifework

by Susan Maushart

'Men get one thing from marriage that women never do. They get wives.' Husbands and wives may say they are committed to equality. Yet, whether employed or not, wives still perform an astounding share of the physical, emotional and organisational labour in marriage - everything from housework to 'sex work'. 'Wifework' is shorthand for this relentless routine of husband maintenance. Women today initiate three-quarters of all divorces. Wifework, Maushart argues, lies at the core of their disillusionment. If family life is worth saving, wifework will have to go. And that means rewriting the job description to make marriage more equitable, less exhausting and more fun for women. In this compulsively readable book, Susan Maushart documents the wifework dilemma and explores its consequences for all the stakeholders: men, women and children alike. "Wifework" is funny, lucid, provocative and inspirational.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Womens, Sociology, Gender, Marriage, Womens Studies

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Columnist, author and social commentator Dr. Susan Maushart is a mother of three teenagers. For over a decade, her weekly column has been part of a balanced breakfast for readers of the Weekend Australian Magazine. Maushart is heard regularly on ABC Radio's popular online series 'Multiple Choice', and is a Visiting Fellow at the Institute of Advanced Studies at the University of Western Australia. Her four books have been published in eight languages, and her essays and reviews have appeared in a host of international publications. She holds a PhD in Media Ecology from New York University. Maushart's first book was the award-winning Sort of a Place Like Home, a history of the Moore River Settlement (later depicted in Philip Noyce's 2002 film classic Rabbit-Proof Fence). The bestselling The Mask of Motherhood was hailed by the London Times as "a feminist classic," and Wifework: What Marriage Really Means for Women started arguments right around the globe. Her book, What Women Want Next, looks at the question of feminine fulfilment in a post-feminist world.
She moved to Perth, Western Australia from New York 19 years ago but insists she is only passing through.

Reviews

[Munazza · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maushart has some great insights, and the book is definitely engaging to the very end. I was particularly struck by the observation that the joint enterprise of marriage is seen by a majority of both men and women as the wife's problem; the husband is just a volunteer. This idea is perfectly illustrated by the following exchange in Chapter 15:

"'From now on,' my friend Jane announced to her husband recently, "I'm going to be available to help you with the housework and cooking any time you feel you need it. Please don't hesitate to ask.'

At first Ted was puzzled. 'What are you talking about?' he asked.

'I'm only making the same offer to you that you've been making to me for years,' Jane explained. 'It seems to make you feel like you're "sharing" the load. So I thought I'd give it a try myself.'"

What bothered me about the book were Maushart's snarky tone and name-calling when she talks about husbands in general and about anyone with whom she disagrees. It's unbecoming of a social scientist. And after reading the snippets she provides from her own marriages, I can't help but think that her marital experiences are at least somewhat outside the norm. I'm not going to blame her and say that it sounds like she chose wrong each time she decided to marry, but her former husbands do sound extraordinarily douchey and not typical of most men/husbands today.

[Sharon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not get into this book, I could not feel the desire to read it. I agree with a lot of what she is saying, but I just did not like the way the book just kept going on like a long complaint about men and how women getting married will ruin our lives.
Society is structured the way it is, and it is up to the individual to change it if so desired. Every marriage is a individual thing, known only by the individuals involved within. If they are happy with their lot, then they should be left in peace

[Meredith · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this book has convinced me that I am the domestically inept husband and Mr. Mere is the wife. Our relationship is, on almost every level, the exact opposite of the prototypical, traditional marriage set forth in this book.

To quote one of the would-be nannies from Mrs. Doubtfire, "I don't do laundry, I don't do windows, I don't do carpets, I don't do bathtubs, I don't do toilets, I don't do diapers . . . I don't do washing, I don't do basements, I don't do dinners, and I don't do reading!" Okay, well, she lost me at the "reading" part, but you catch my drift. And I do some of these things some of the time, but let's just say I would have failed the 1950s miserably.

Mr. Mere does 90 percent of the "wifework" in our house--including laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping. My contributions include freelance jobs to supplement our salaries (which are almost exactly equal) and managing the bills and household finances. According to Wifework, our marriage is one in a million.

So I had trouble relating personally to the concept of marriage set forth in this book, but I also had no trouble conjuring up many marriages I know of that are just like it.

I ran into a problem in one of the later chapters, wherein the author posits that marriage has nothing to offer women who are childfree by choice and financially independent. The beauty of my particular marriage is that I'm not with my husband because I need to be. I'm with him because I want/choose to be.

[Sandra]

I'll warn you right now, if you read this book and have a (male) partner then you're going to get angry. The first time I read this I was in the process of moving in with my now ex. I had barely reached chapter three when the fights started. Susan Maushart absolutely NAILS what marriage means for women, and not all of it is good. Susan isn't, I should point out, adverse to men. Far from it, and its her study of the institution written from the trenches that makes this all the more fascinating.

I've had the pleasure of being at a couple of functions where Susan has been the keynote speaker - she lives in the same city as me - and her intelligence and intelligent way with words gets me every time. This is a woman I would love to have a few drinks with sometime.

Again, this book is highly recommend ... but remember, if you take it on, you'll end up pretty pissed!

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Depressing, yet thought-provoking. Makes you think about your expectations and adjusting them accordingly.

[Ally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maushart writes passionately and cites vast amounts of research and statistics to drive home her devastating assault on the institution of heterosexual marriage. There is nothing 'new', in the sense that everything she said I found myself nodding along to, recalling my own experiences.

I wanted to enjoy this more than I did; it felt laborious towards the end. I persevered as I feel the topic is so crucial and absolutely essential to pay attention to.

[Gena]

Gave up on this one because I didn’t want to get angry or want to get divorced!

[Frangipani · Rating 5 out of 5]

That men really truly are a bunch of lazy ......... Yep, I'm not the only one out there that feels like I do 150%!!!! Deal with it, get on with life, accept that women care more and do more, and make time for yourself. Stop doing the martyr/nagging thing, it's pointless. Men's listening ears aren't turned on unless you are some sort of live television broadcast involving sport or scantily clad women.

[Ainsley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Five stars for making excellent points about the inequities of many (modern) marriages; two stars removed for (often unsupported) generalizations about "nearly all women" and "most marriages".

[Wifemomwaitress · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sorry that i actually like my husband.

[nks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marriage is associated with good mental health status in men, and negative mental health status in women. Fuuuuck. And yet it's no surprise, and I would guess that any woman who has ever been married would find herself in these pages. (Though I suspect very few men would recognize the world described, if the stats are correct.)

A very interesting, if depressing, exploration of the gender inequalities that appear in a heterosexual marriage backed by a lot of research and statistical evidence. FYI though, There is near to nothing in this book for same-sex marriage, which I think could provide a very interesting comparison (and look at the questions, so is there something specifically dull about marriage or is there something specifically dull about heterosexual long-term relationships resulting from patriarchal bullshit?). Interestingly, statistics show that marriage simply isn't working well for women anymore, in all liklihood because we now have the means to choose divorce.

The main flaw in this book, besides what I see as a misreading of some of the evidence about the effect of divorce on children, is that it does not go far enough. Focused on marriage as it is, it does not spend more than a sentence theorizing that maybe neither marriage nor marriage-then-divorce is the relationship form that would suit our currents idea about relationships, happiness, and romantic love.

[Rhiannon Johnson]

I would love to read an updated version of this book which released in 2001. While many of the points being made are still relevant and all too common (unfortunately), I'd love a compilation of updated statistics, policies, etc. This would have been a 5 star read for me when it was released but it was difficult for me to stay focused because so many of the statistics were outdated. For this reason I will not be rating this book.

[Chris Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Inciteful - Recommended for every male that thinks he's already do enough.... think again.

[Caroline Rose · Rating 2 out of 5]

At first it was somewhat engaging but it quickly devolved. Ahistorical, repetitive, circular, unhelpful.

[Scoots · Rating 5 out of 5]

Published in 2001. Sadly still applicable. Sigh.

[Vicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a compendium of amazing statistics and sociological research about marriage, and the effect of marriage on men and women, and especially the disparities between those two categories, this book was 5 stars. If I were in a position to require that other adults read books, I'd make this required reading, especially for men.

I had a couple of problems with the book, though. Maushart casts a critical eye on a lot of commonly accepted evopsych truisms (men are evolved to be promiscuous; women are natural monogamists, etc.), but then replaces them with her own evopsych interpretation instead of biting the bullet and telling her readers the truth: Evolutionary Psychology is pseudo-science, just a bunch of random assertions that by definition cannot be tested. Stop trying to discover deep truths using it, it's obvious you're really just looking for validations for your own personal opinions. Secondly , she spends most of her time treating other researchers professionally - even when she's pointing out flaws in methodology or biases in intent, she keeps a measured tone. Until Natalie Angier. I don't know if Angier spit in Maushart's martini at some writers conference or what, but she bristles with contempt when she talks about her work and takes a potshot at a puff piece that Angier wrote when she was a columnist at Time in order to undermine the book she published later. It just seemed way out of whack as compared to the tone of the rest of the book, her treatment of this one author.

Last but not least, her conclusions / suggestions at the end are muddled at best, contradictory at worst. A huge portion of the book is spent showing that couples who professed that they would structure their relationships according to concepts of equality and justice as opposed to gender are only fooling themselves, that they will quickly fall into gendered roles and mask the discrepancy between intent and deed with shared delusions and cognitive dissonance. Honestly, it seems like she spends a good deal of energy mocking people who thought that their marriage would be special and buck the trends, because they didn't know what they were in for. And then her whole solution is for couples to be more equal in their relationships so that work - both unpaid and emotional - and leisure time are split more justly and less along gendered lines. Um, okay.

[Sarah Davies · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really fascinating and rage-making in equal measure. Was published in 2001 so would welcome an update esp. regarding stats but would argue that not that much has changed regrettable in terms of the status quo despite the fact that a two income family is more and more necessary in order to maintain a household.
Really glad I read it as I have seen it recommended countless times!

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Maushart's newest (the Winter of our Disconnect) and loved it. This one, while good, is more of a slog as it is much more scholarly with many less anecdotes to lighten the reading.

I grew up and went to college at a time when feminism was all the rage and we thought we were so much further ahead then our parents (born in the late 50's, college in the late 70's). I did fight for the right to be equal, I attended engineering school and had more than my share of run-ins with males who thought since I was a "girl" that they could tell me what to do. I married a man who I had known for 3 years and thought he was so liberated, as soon as that ring went on my finger things changed - I am not totally certain I didn't add to that change. I became divorced 17 years later then met and lived with another man for 3+ years (he too seemed so liberated - even though he was older), again things changed when we married. Again I don't know how much of what changed is because at heart I am not as liberated as I thought I was or if he is just a chauvenist pig.

This book looks at all the things in marriage that make a relationship unequal - there are no conclusions as to who's fault it is but an awful lot to think about.

I have been distressed lately to see the 20 somethings (women) doing things like taking their husband's names, like not trusting the men in their life to take care of the kids properly, etc. This book explains some of what is happening. I see it as the fact we are no where close to equality in this world. Much work still to be done.

[Mel]

"Is marriage without wifework a contradiction in terms? Or marriage without gender? Or gender without injustice? Is marriage good for anything, or for anyone? Is it necessary at all? Do women need to discard the idea of a happy marriage as a hopeless oxymoron? And if not, what exactly would we need to change - and how?"

A lot of difficult but interesting questions, served with a side of our own ignorance (which made it a blessing for some and frustrates many).

The book does not set out to answer questions, but does make you think the social, biological and psychological aspects of being a wife vs non-wife (single, divorcee, etc). At some point it felt like it was dragging on and on about the unfairness of this whole, but it is worth being reminded constantly that the system we allowed is a very gender specific one.

PS - author said she focuses on the "white" society (Australia, America, etc). While I do feel that culture affects the role of wife and women in a society, the topics/ discussion is not completely bias to a white society.

[Marjorie Elwood · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to take breaks while reading this book because it infuriated me: the extent to which women and men collude in having women take care of men within marriage, as though the husband is another child. Maushart points out that - in addition to shouldering the vast majority of unpaid household labor and child-care "drudgework" - wives typically maintain their husband's relationship with *his* family; organize the entire family's social life; defer in day-to-day conversations; monitor their husband's physical health; and make a big show of it when their husband actually folds the laundry. Although she is a little strident, her points ring true.

[CJ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wifework took me a long time to finish. It's one of those books that I could only read chapter by chapter (and sometimes not even that much at a time). Maushart hit a little too close to home sometimes and I needed to process that before I could continue. Yes, it sucks to be the responsible one. Yes, it sucks to be the human calendar. Yes, it sucks that when I was in graduate school I had the equivalent of three full time jobs (student, wife/mother, actual job). We're women, we deal with it and move on.

[Jennifer Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book starts out with a sort of bashing undertone. It's isn't something for the 'macho guy' reader. HOwever, it is enlightening in regards to undercurrents of thoughts and behaviors that seem to emerge in women, when they marry, or become mothers. It also explores the 'partiarchical mind set that accompanies marriage'....much food for thought within these pages, much food for thought.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this a while ago. Anyone who wants to go into marriage with their eyes open and can stand the negative slant of this book, should read it. Although, from what I see, the current young marrieds are finally turning it around to a more equitable arrangement. And don't give me that line "what about love". Love has nothing to do with it.

[Kat · Rating 3 out of 5]

My feelings on this book are so conflicted! Though, to be fair, sociology on the whole overwhelms me (when I took a college course I had to drop it; how can we effectively study that which we are?). Some great points, some interesting points, some irritating "correlation is not causation" kind of points, some strong bias from a woman who has been divorced twice.

[Mary Alexandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like this book, but I found the author to be too subjective. Her whole stance is against marriage and the inequality and responsibilities it comes with. I would have appreciated something a little more objective.

[Sara Lamers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't agree with ALL of her claims, but my Women's Studies friends should find this one interesting

[Miranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is a book that has changed my life. i encourage every single or married woman in the world to read it!!
please.

[Di · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read it!

[Glenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Haha!! Read this a few months before I got married...just so I knew what I was in for! Sean did not agree with it.

[Monica]

I'm skimming it a bit.