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96 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1987
More and more lately, as, not even minding the slippage yet, the aches and sad softenings,
I settle into my other years, I notice how many of what I once thought were evidences of repression,
sexual or otherwise, now seem, in other people anyway, to be varieties of dignity, withholding, tact,
and sometimes even in myself, certain patiences I would have once called lassitude, indifference,
now seem possibly to be if not the rewards then at least the unsuspected, undreamed-of conclusions
to many of the even-then-preposterous self-evolved disciplines, rigors, almost mortifications
I inflicted on myself in my starting-out days, improvement days, days when the idea alone of psychic peace,
of intellectual, of emotional quiet, the merest hint, would have meant inconceivable capitulation.
- Repression
She answers the bothersome telephone, takes the message, forgets the message, forgets who called.
One of their daughters, her husbands guesses: the one with the dogs, the babies, the boy Jed?
Yes, perhaps, but how tell which, how tell anything when all the name tags have been lost or switched,
when all the lonely flowers of sense and memory bloom and die now in adjacent bites of time?
Sometimes her own face with suddenly appear with terrifying inappropriateness before her in a mirror.
She knows that if she's patient, its gaze will break, demurely, decorously, like a well-taught child's,
it will turn from her as though it were embarrassed by the secrets of this awful hide-and-seek.
If she forgets, though, and glances back again, it will still be in there, furtively watching, crying.
- Alzheimer's: The Wife for Renee Mauger
He'd been a clod, he knew, yes, always aiming toward his vision of the good life, always acting on it.
He knew he'd been unconscionably self-centered, had indulged himself with his undreamed-of good fortune,
but he also knew that the single-mindedness with which he's attended to his passions, needs and whims,
and which must have seemed to others the grossest sort of egotism, was also what was really at the base
of how he's almost offhandedly worked out the intuitions and moves which had brought him here,
and this wasn't all that different: to spend his long anticipated retirement learning to cook,
clean house, dress her, even to apply her makeup, wasn't any sort of secular saintliness -
that would be belittling - it was just the next necessity he saw himself as being called to.
- Alzheimer's: The Husband for Jean Mauger
The way, her father dead a day ago, the child goes in his closet, finds herself inside his closet,
finds himself atop the sprawl of emptied shoes, finds herself enveloped in the heavy emptied odor,
and breathes it in, that single, mingled gust of hair and sweat and father-flesh and father,
breathes it in and tries to hold it, in her body, in her breath, keep it in her breath forever . . .
so we, in love, in absence, in an absence so much less than death but still shaped by need and loss,
so we too find only what we want in sense, the drive toward sense, the hunger for the actual flesh;
so we, too, breathe in, as though to breathe was was now itself the end of all, as though to scent,
to hold the fading traces of an actual flesh, was all, the hungering senses driven toward all . . .
- Vehicle: Absence
So quickly, and so slowly . . . In the tiny elevator of the flat you'd borrowed on the Rue de Pondicherry,
you suddenly put your head against my chest, I thought to show how tired you were, and lost consciousness,
sagging heavily against me, forehead oiled with sweat, eyes ghastly agape . . . so quickly, so slowly.
Quickly the ambulance arrives, mewling at the curb, the disinterested orderlies strap you to their stretcher.
Slowly at the clinic, waiting for the doctors, waiting for the ineffectual treatment to begin.
Slowly through that night, then quickly all the next day, your last day, though no one yet suspected it.
Quickly those remaining hours, quickly the inconsequential tasks and doings of any ordinary afternoon.
Quickly, slowly, those final silences and sittings I so regret now not having taken all of with you.
- Le Petit Salvié, 1
Though no shyer than the others - while her pitch is being checked she beams out at the audience,
one ear sticking through her fine, straight, dark hair, Nabokov would surely say "deliciously" -
she's younger, slimmer, flatter, still almost a child: her bow looks half a foot too big for her.
Not when she begins to play, though: when she begins to play, when she goes swooping, leaping,
lifting from the lumbering tutti like a fighter plane, that bow is fire, that bow is song,
that bow lifts all of us, father and old uncle, yawning younger brother and bored best friend,
and brings us all to song, to more than song, to breaths breathed for us, sharp, indrawn,
and then, as she bows it higher and higher, to old sorrows redeemed, a sweet sensation of joy.
- The Prodigy for Elizabeth Bishop
Perhaps it isn't as we like to think, the last resort, the end of something, thwarted choice or attempt,
but rather the ever-recurring beginning, the faithful first to mind, the very image of endeavor,
so that even the most patently meaningless difficulties, a badly started nail, a lost check,
nto to speak of the great and irresolvable emotional issues, would bring instantly to mind
that unfailingly reliable image of a gesture to be carried out for once with confidence and grace.
It would feel less like desperation, being driven down, ground down, and much more a reflex, almost whim,
as though the pestering forces of inertia that for so long had held you back had ebbed at last,
and you could slip through now, not to peace particularly, not even to escape, but to completion.
- Suicide: Anne for Anne Sexton