When 7 years old I found myself a latch-key kid in a bad neighborhood in New York. Three deadbolt locks and inside a chain lock. It was driven over and again by my mother who had to work and couldn’t be there, to double and triple check the locks. The habit etched and ingrained repeated itself by itself. Lasting through college, grad. school, years of working, surviving, it didn’t fail. A clock always wound. Why it slipped this time I have no excuse nor understanding.
Back in the library, the last room down the hall, I was looking about the shelves. A book I need to read or have read will catch my eye. A relationship I have established with my books and they with me. A.S. Byatt or the other end of the spectrum Mulligan Stew. Trying to not hurt feelings I toted both out to the living room.
Sitting on the tip of the L on our yes, L shaped couch, polished boots and Edwardian Dress, the front door still swung open. A man sat in 1880’s garb facing my empty easy chair. He was either crazy, or coming or going to a costume party. Clasped hands on knees he appeared to be waiting for me. It seemed and felt so natural that I ran through my mind if I was invited to a costume party and forgot. Was he a ride from friends of a friend? Embarrassed, all of my New York relatives twisting in their graves, I sat in my chair. I gazed at him, my reflection off his black boots.
I thought of using my deepest most intimidating voice but last when I used it with the dog it cracked at all the wrong times. My wife begged me not to use it if a situation arose like this. I argued back but during the argument my voice cracked. She was kind enough not to laugh. The dog walked away.
He spoke before I could find my pitch and key. “I heard you are a reader.” His eyebrows arched and the clasped hands jumped up and down off his knees.
“Who did you hear it that from?”
“From? From books.”
“You work in a library?”
“I’m in a library often. It is part of what I do.”
“You are a reader.”
“I guess you can say that. That is why I am here.”
His hands settled back down and he leaned toward me. He sounded well educated and in control of his mental assets.
“Why is that?” My voice sounded pretty even if not intimidating.
“I want to read a story to you.”
“A short story.”
“Well…a,” he turned away his face flushed. “…a novel length story.” He pulled out partially beneath him a library edition, its protective covering torn.
“You were supposed to read this at a costume party? Maybe you’re lost. Or you mistook this house for where you are supposed to be. It’s easy to happen up here. What’s your name?
“Anthony. Sir.”
“Mine is Stephen.”
“Yes. I already know.”
“How … Never mind. What is the book?”
Already opened with care, the binding firmly in the palm of his hand, the pages turned with the flutter of a whisper. “It is called Sir, The Clavering.”
“I’ve heard of it,” I nodded my head. My voice broke. I crossed my legs.
“If you don’t mind,” he said, “You’ve been reading it.”
“Actually, I’ve finished. Yesterday.”
“That is why I am here. I am concerned.”
My prolific drug use from the late 1960’s never ordered from the menu hallucinations this specific. Even through my aging and the dripped loss of remaining brain cells could never produce this cinematic illusion. Whatever was happening had a certain charm to it. The best part of it was I didn’t have to tell anybody. This picaresque character was abetting this minor crime, subterfuge.
“What Mister …?”
“…Trollope…”
“…Trollope. Of course. I might have guessed. What is it you are concerned about?”
“About your,,, well…”
“Go on. You don’t have to worry about my feelings. Besides, I thought that …well…people back in your time weren’t so concerned about others feelings. Something you may, let’s say, want to get straight before you get to the party.”
“That is it Stephen. Exactly what I am trying to say. Your prejudices. How they hold you back and limit you.”
“My prejudices. What are you…No, no, this is good. Really. If you can sound this adamant at the party you’ll be even more believable. They’re going to love you. My only advice so far is, don’t overdo it.”
“Overdo what?”
“Exactly.”
“Listen,” leaning forward his entire set of clothing moved in unison, an etching sound as though his body did not exist within, “I’m not trying to overdo, as you say, anything or be anyone else. I am just me, Trollope.”
“There you go.”
“You moderns are very difficult to get along with I must say.”
“Even better.”
“Do you mind if I light up my pipe?”
“No. That would work.”
“Work? Never mind. Back to your prejudices. You are correct about our lack of emotional responses if,” he puffed on his pipe till it glowed, “it is our coded catalogue of accepted societal behavior. But then I am afraid you might have missed the underlying theme. What it was I tried to get across.” He had the puffing of the pipe down with what he was saying, wanted emphasized with all the crucial gestures. “What I hoped for the reader to understand was that beyond these codified behaviors existed what is within the soul, the heart, humanity. Societies pressures may make it more difficult or even dangerous for them to be expressed accept for the brave, but nonetheless they still exist. And sir…”
“…Stephen…”
“…Stephen, they exist with passion. Passions still very much exist. But it is imperative they be concealed. Especially amongst us men.”
“A sign of superiority? You are better than women?”
“Aren’t we? Don’t you think so?” Inquisitive, he stared at me through the smoke.
“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t.”
“You…think they are equal?”
“No. I think as a whole women at this point in time are somewhat superior.”
“You are a strange one. I thought from what was said you might be.”
“That I’m,” I thrust a finger into my chest, then took a moment to catch my breath, “strange? Listen here…”
“You probably thought I was going to be stuffy. Antiquated. Do you see how you’ve narrowed yourself. Your perceptions of us. You’ve alienated yourself.” He shook his head, the smoke swirling then clearing. “You don’t need to. There is a whole world of us. Many of us. Many writers. I was simply taking my chances and trying to dramatize that what we are externally is not what we are internally. True,” he went on, opening his collar, “that accepting this results in a number of conflicts. Some serious. I imagine it comes down to how important it is to keep possession of your soul, your self. To sacrifice belonging to the world as it is.”
“Yeah. I see what you’re saying. Living within your book-which by the way was difficult to get out of-I could see, even feel what you are saying. But all those… I’m sorry.”
“No, no. Go on. Don’t hold back now.”
“You are a guest of sorts Mister Trollope.”
“Forget all that etiquette stuff for now.”
“What I was going to say is all those intrusions, asides, got in the way. Took me off the point. Interrupted me and what you were saying.”
“That too is your prejudice. This is the way we write.”
He tapped the pipe’s ash into the ashtray by the side of the sofa. Then it disappeared inside his coat. “I think it is time don’t you? You have been very helpful. I hope that in some way I have been too.”
“Well, it has been unusual. That much I can say. Now I guess,” and my eyebrows raised, “you should be getting off to your party. I am glad though you stopped by.”
“Then I am glad too.”
He tipped his hat on the way out. I watched from the window, opening it some. Rubbing the patches of steam from the pane I squinted. Then squinted harder. There were many dressed like him. All were. They had taken over the neighborhood. But for what purpose? Opening the window carefully I heard him speak to the other partygoers.
“He seems okay,” he said. “I don’t think he’s dangerous or we need to fear him.”
“I can’t believe,” a man dressed similar to him spoke, “he let you in. How…?”
“You have to remember this was in the planning stage for a long time. I felt a little sorry for him. Living all alone in that strange house, wearing those strange clothes and never coming out or letting anyone in.”
I closed the window. Pressing my face against the cloth I shut the curtains. By the L-shaped sofa I emptied the ashtray, tapping it gently, watching the pipe ash flutter down into the small metal trash can.