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Skin Game
Caroline Kettlewell's autobiography reveals a girl whose feelings of pain and alienation led her to seek relief in physically hurting herself, from age twelve into her twenties. Skin Game employs clear language and candid reflection to grant general readers as well as students an uncensored profile of a complex and unsettling disorder. "[This] mesmeric memoir examines the obsession with cutting that is believed to afflict somewhere around two million Americans, nearly all of them female," Francine Prose noted in Elle. "[Kettlewell's] language soars and its intensity deepens whenever she is recalling the lost joys and the thrilling sensation of sharp steel against her tender skin."
192 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 1999
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10812 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 155 reviews
June 23, 2008
I started reading this book strictly as professional research. I had a group of kids in my grade this year who--one after the other--came to my office to tell me about a friend they knew who was cutting and they were worried. It became such a complex series of office visits that it took me a few days to sort out exactly who was cutting. It ended up being this entire group of girls who were all friends, and each of them came to tell me about a different girl until all 7 of them (yes, 7) had been outed as a cutter. I'm not so sure they didn't plan it that way. I think it started with one girl in particular and the trend started to spread until all of the girls were stuck in this situation that most of them wanted out of. Reasearch has shown that cutting is a behavior that speads very very quickly among groups, especially groups of girls.
Anyway, so as I was dealing with this issue at school....talking with the girls, alerting parents, coordinating referrals to counselors, etc., I reazlied that while I had a base knowledge of the issue, I really needed to be more well-versed in something that was affecting an unusually large portion of the grade I work with. So I started with this. Unfortunately, it's taken me a while to read, but in the meantime I did read a few other strictly clinical books about cutting and treating those who self-injure. This book appealed to me because it's a more personal version of the issue, focusing on the author's own self-injury, when it began, how it grew, etc. Parents of my students don't want to read the clinical stuff, and since I hate recommending to my parents anything that I haven't read myself, this one will end up on my list of books that I can safely advise parents to read.
Parents of kids who self-injure will probably find this a little difficult to read, as it is brutally honest in it's description of how easy it is to cut and hide the evidence, not to mention how easy it is to explain away most of it (i.e. "the cat scratched me", "the razor slipped while I was shaving"). It is also brutally honest in how little parents can do to help, as most of the time the issues that motivate self-injury are generally very deep-seated and coincide with other illnesses such as eating disorders. Truth be told, the one thing I heard from every one of my girls this year was that they weren't sure why they were cutting, and Kettlewell specifically addresses that fact that most don't understand it themselves and it isn't until years later, when they're more self-aware and able to process their feelings and experiences, that they can begin to answer the question of why. And that, is probably the most frustrating thing for the parents. The most they can do is offer love and support, and seek out good professional attention, and the rest has to come with time.
Anyway, so as I was dealing with this issue at school....talking with the girls, alerting parents, coordinating referrals to counselors, etc., I reazlied that while I had a base knowledge of the issue, I really needed to be more well-versed in something that was affecting an unusually large portion of the grade I work with. So I started with this. Unfortunately, it's taken me a while to read, but in the meantime I did read a few other strictly clinical books about cutting and treating those who self-injure. This book appealed to me because it's a more personal version of the issue, focusing on the author's own self-injury, when it began, how it grew, etc. Parents of my students don't want to read the clinical stuff, and since I hate recommending to my parents anything that I haven't read myself, this one will end up on my list of books that I can safely advise parents to read.
Parents of kids who self-injure will probably find this a little difficult to read, as it is brutally honest in it's description of how easy it is to cut and hide the evidence, not to mention how easy it is to explain away most of it (i.e. "the cat scratched me", "the razor slipped while I was shaving"). It is also brutally honest in how little parents can do to help, as most of the time the issues that motivate self-injury are generally very deep-seated and coincide with other illnesses such as eating disorders. Truth be told, the one thing I heard from every one of my girls this year was that they weren't sure why they were cutting, and Kettlewell specifically addresses that fact that most don't understand it themselves and it isn't until years later, when they're more self-aware and able to process their feelings and experiences, that they can begin to answer the question of why. And that, is probably the most frustrating thing for the parents. The most they can do is offer love and support, and seek out good professional attention, and the rest has to come with time.
June 6, 2012
I saw this book in the self-help/Mental illness section of a bookstore. The grey cover shows a woman's torso and the cover itself is designed to look as if it had been systematically slashed over the woman's bare stomach with a razor blade. It called out to me, as did the simple title Skin Game. It's a very moving and brutally honest memoir of one woman's battle with self-mutilation. I easily found parts of myself within her story. I was so engrossed in this memoir that I finished it in one day, even taking it with me into the bathtub. This story helped me become comfortable with my self-inflicted scars to the point where I no longer hide them at all (other than a few on my wrists covered in tattoos) and it made me, not proud exactly but I can't really find another word to describe it. Caroline's memoir made me feel as if my scars were battle wounds, a battle I only had one enemy in and that was myself. These many scars are proof to myself that I went through hell and came back, marked and somewhat damaged permanently but still I went to the very edge of a major precipice and yet never fell or jumped off. I took a very long and very difficult step back towards living life to the fullest. Caroline Kettlewell writes intensely and she brings back many memories for us former cutters. I have such a sense of pride and awe for her because she chooses to write about something that, even though we as a society are more receptive to mental illness, is still highly taboo and extremely misunderstood and often looked at as something people do for attention rather than what it really is. Someone in so much pain on the inside that they feel it must be represented outwardly (it was that way for me, though like any behavior there are more than one reasons for the action), no matter how "acceptable" mental illness is becoming in this day and age with more and more people coming out and saying that they live with one disorder or another; cutting and other means of self-harm or self-mutilation seem to me to be the most maligned, misunderstood, harshly judged and frighteningly prevalent (especially among young women) parts of mental illness. I think this memoir and others like it can help remove some of the stigmas attached to this often hidden behavior. I know it helped me. I highly, highly recommend any current or former self-mutilators read this memoir. Therapists of ANY education level and in ANY position to give counsel to those troubled by mental illness; teachers(junior and high school in particular) anyone dealing with thoughts of harming themselves and parents as well should read this wonderfully written memoir. You never know who it could help in the future.
October 16, 2014
I very much enjoyed this memoir because I can identify with the writer's thoughts and feelings. Although my circumstances were far different from hers, the over-thinking of every day things were pretty much right on the money with my own thought process. Also, the coping mechanism she used was similar to the way I coped with my life struggles. She is absolutely correct in that you have to take life one day at a time and deal with whatever comes to you. A strong support system is also important.
November 12, 2011
Though I don't believe I went in with grand expectations, I was actually a bit disappointed with this book. I have always had a fascination with mental illness, and its manifestations in a variety of ways, and I tend to be drawn towards memoirs in general. The potential seemed high of a book that claims to be about "the first former cutter to tell her own story about living with and overcoming the disorder".
I can't deny that the problem has nothing to do with the calibre of writing itself - it's not badly written by any means. Rather, the quality of the writing seems self-indulgent; the writer goes back and forth between telling specific stories or talking about specific instances in her childhood, to analyzing, debating, and driveling over why she did or didn't do something, why she made the choices she did, while she feels the need to constantly pose these self-directed questions and then reply that has no answers for any of them.
Example; "Was that apparent me less than a true self? I don't know. Did her disassociation from my inner life make her only a fabrication? I don't know."
Sometimes this drivel shows up only at the end of a chapter to try to draw some sort of conclusion to the preceding part of the storyline. Other times an entire chapter from start to finish will be filled with only this self-analyzation of what had gone on in her past without coming to any sort of real conclusion beyond the fact that even all these years later, and evidentally quite a lot of self-questioning of the matter she still doesn't understand it anymore than she did at the time.
The actual sections of the book that tell the story rather than questioning why are the saving grace of this book. If you can get past the rest of it, and the fact that the author tends to "word drop" to show off her intelligence, you might find a very slender, yet interesting look into the authors struggle with self-multilation.
I can't deny that the problem has nothing to do with the calibre of writing itself - it's not badly written by any means. Rather, the quality of the writing seems self-indulgent; the writer goes back and forth between telling specific stories or talking about specific instances in her childhood, to analyzing, debating, and driveling over why she did or didn't do something, why she made the choices she did, while she feels the need to constantly pose these self-directed questions and then reply that has no answers for any of them.
Example; "Was that apparent me less than a true self? I don't know. Did her disassociation from my inner life make her only a fabrication? I don't know."
Sometimes this drivel shows up only at the end of a chapter to try to draw some sort of conclusion to the preceding part of the storyline. Other times an entire chapter from start to finish will be filled with only this self-analyzation of what had gone on in her past without coming to any sort of real conclusion beyond the fact that even all these years later, and evidentally quite a lot of self-questioning of the matter she still doesn't understand it anymore than she did at the time.
The actual sections of the book that tell the story rather than questioning why are the saving grace of this book. If you can get past the rest of it, and the fact that the author tends to "word drop" to show off her intelligence, you might find a very slender, yet interesting look into the authors struggle with self-multilation.
December 31, 2021
Caroline Kettlewell starts harming herself at 11 and continues doing so into her twenties. This is her memoir of a youth consumed by angst despite its apparent normality. She describes her surprise at her own behaviour of compulsively trading a cut for a little peace of mind.
This wasn't a fun read, it felt mostly tragic and sad - but I must say I really found her voice to be courageous (I think most self-harmers find it difficult to broach the subject, never mind write a book about it). So, this definitely deserves full-stars for bravery and her writing style is engaging!
This wasn't a fun read, it felt mostly tragic and sad - but I must say I really found her voice to be courageous (I think most self-harmers find it difficult to broach the subject, never mind write a book about it). So, this definitely deserves full-stars for bravery and her writing style is engaging!
July 5, 2015
Caroline is a cutter. Caroline has anxiety. Caroline has over thinking to the extreme. Caroline... does not apologize for her actions and that's what made this an interesting and eye opening book. Caroline has nothing special about her. She had a slightly different life than most people and it shows throughout the beginning of her memoir. It's safe to say that by the time she is a teenager not only is she already completely absorbed in self harming/ cutting herself but she is a downward spiral of bad choices. We see her go through most of her life battling with this choice, how do I deal with the feelings I am having? It's a question she asks herself and the reader throughout the book.
I admired her honesty with the reader. She gives you every little detail of what was going through her mind in some situations and in others she point blank says she doesn't remember every single cut or self harming thought. I rooted for her throughout the memoir to make the change to see that she could be different and make better choices. She does, in the end, make a choice and sums everything up very nicely. "...I always could have stopped cutting; that's the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself is always a choice. I had no power over the flood tide of emotions that drove me to that brink, but I had the power to decide whether or not to step over."
I admired her honesty with the reader. She gives you every little detail of what was going through her mind in some situations and in others she point blank says she doesn't remember every single cut or self harming thought. I rooted for her throughout the memoir to make the change to see that she could be different and make better choices. She does, in the end, make a choice and sums everything up very nicely. "...I always could have stopped cutting; that's the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself is always a choice. I had no power over the flood tide of emotions that drove me to that brink, but I had the power to decide whether or not to step over."
September 4, 2018
Please, please, PLEASE do NOT read this book if you struggle with self harm. The author does a wonderful job in romanticizing cutting yourself and wallowing the despairs of life. While it was interesting to get into the mind of someone who finds relief in self harm this is certainly no self help book. The author barely covers a redemption in her final pages and even then talks about the “seductive” draws of cutting. The desire to cut yourself up to make yourself feel “better” is a trait of a mental illness, please seek help, not razors.
May 6, 2007
I was happy to see this book come out. . . until I read it and then I wished she had never written it at all. The book is not about survival or recovery or even understanding why she begins cutting in the first place. It's simply one incident of self-harm after another with no underlying insight.
January 17, 2023
Real 💯💯‼️
March 12, 2009
okay. so it's not the most insightful book as to the motivations behind her actions. it's also not best about encouraging someone into recovery, or stopping self-injury, or whatnot.
but. i wish, wish, WISH that someone had given me this book when i first dealt with PTSD. because the book i was handed was Prozac Nation, and let me tell you, there was nothing i could find in there that really resonated with me - and i tried.
this is why, i think:
"I changed the subject, and he let it slide, which only confirmed my suspicions that he hadn't meant it in the first place. It was one thing to fret and pace and think about killing yourself over your laundry, and it was another thing to be so self-indulgent as to believe that your whiny, narcissistic, middle-class preoccupations amounted to anything of substance."
and also:
"We believe so strongly in the face value of things. What would there have been about me, with my honor-roll standing and my respectable cross-section of friends and the wordplays I tossed into our English class vocabulary quizzes, to have suggested any alarm?"
basically, with the exception of the boyfriends, this could be my story - and a lot of people's stories. there's talk of the way they feel the weight of the world is on them, the decision to keep things secret -
what i think i respect most about this book is that there is no real sensationalism. caroline kettlewell could be anyone: she hides what she does, she uses cutting to ground herself, to help herself find identity and self, to punish, to remind herself she was alive, she's successful and leads the seemingly normal, perfect life.
so many girls are hiding the same way. i heart this book because it speaks for a population that usually is quiet.
but. i wish, wish, WISH that someone had given me this book when i first dealt with PTSD. because the book i was handed was Prozac Nation, and let me tell you, there was nothing i could find in there that really resonated with me - and i tried.
this is why, i think:
"I changed the subject, and he let it slide, which only confirmed my suspicions that he hadn't meant it in the first place. It was one thing to fret and pace and think about killing yourself over your laundry, and it was another thing to be so self-indulgent as to believe that your whiny, narcissistic, middle-class preoccupations amounted to anything of substance."
and also:
"We believe so strongly in the face value of things. What would there have been about me, with my honor-roll standing and my respectable cross-section of friends and the wordplays I tossed into our English class vocabulary quizzes, to have suggested any alarm?"
basically, with the exception of the boyfriends, this could be my story - and a lot of people's stories. there's talk of the way they feel the weight of the world is on them, the decision to keep things secret -
what i think i respect most about this book is that there is no real sensationalism. caroline kettlewell could be anyone: she hides what she does, she uses cutting to ground herself, to help herself find identity and self, to punish, to remind herself she was alive, she's successful and leads the seemingly normal, perfect life.
so many girls are hiding the same way. i heart this book because it speaks for a population that usually is quiet.
December 4, 2008
This book was about a young women that had a problem with "cutting" and used this to escape from negative emotions and events in her life. The book provides insight into why cutting provides an outlet to some, unhealthy as it may be, and how it becomes almost an addiction. I thought it was a somewhat slow read and at times a bit unpleasent, but the story gave me a sense of understanding about the causes, stages and recovery of the disorder. Unfortunately, cutting is more common than most people think and this book is a great resource for someone who would like help for themselves or for someone they know with this disorder.
February 24, 2012
I thought this book was very interesting. It wasn't my first memior about self injury but it was my first where I didn't actually like it that much. It was not comfortable to read and it was not because of the subject, it was because of the author's way of writing. Caroline wrote it using metaphors and similies that some things were lost to me. This book was ok but I would not reccommend it to those who are interested in this topic.
August 18, 2015
I just could not get into it. I have read a lot about self harm and experienced myself and I could not get into it. It was dull. However , I know many people will relate and love this book. It is a true account and spot on a lot of things ..
December 10, 2018
The Skin War is a very mature rated book. It sheds light on a very serious issue, but in an extraordinary fashion. The autobiography travels through Caroline’s life, from living in a boys’ boarding school to being unable to be honest with her parents. She starts us off in a girl’s bathroom trying to draw blood, not for a coping mechanism but rather to use a microscope to admire the cells and their function. But by the end of the book she has become dependant of her once educational function. She comes clean to her family, her greatest safety net, to make sure she can live without it, but is quickly the aim of judgement.
A repeated phrase that the author uses it actually quite simple. Though it is made up of one word, I feel as if after reading it, there is an intense emotional connection to the word. It’s just “I.” Obviously as an autobiography, the usage of the pronoun skyrockets, but the thought of it happening so easily to one person almost worries me in the wrong way. I wanted to be the friend that Caroline didn’t have. She had close connections to family, friends, school counselors, yet she still separated herself from them, believing she couldn’t have done it on her own.
Caroline has lived a life of true courage. She grew distant from family, friends, teachers, significant others just so she could hide her secret that served no other purpose than demolishing herself. While her home and school environment becomes disastrous, the coping mechanism of choice is self harm. Hurting on the inside, but also applying that level of pain to her appearance. I wished for nothing more than Caroline wrote in her book, because so much of it was relatable. I wished that I could've reached out to her while she struggled finding a source of happiness in life. I wish that I could've known her.
A repeated phrase that the author uses it actually quite simple. Though it is made up of one word, I feel as if after reading it, there is an intense emotional connection to the word. It’s just “I.” Obviously as an autobiography, the usage of the pronoun skyrockets, but the thought of it happening so easily to one person almost worries me in the wrong way. I wanted to be the friend that Caroline didn’t have. She had close connections to family, friends, school counselors, yet she still separated herself from them, believing she couldn’t have done it on her own.
Caroline has lived a life of true courage. She grew distant from family, friends, teachers, significant others just so she could hide her secret that served no other purpose than demolishing herself. While her home and school environment becomes disastrous, the coping mechanism of choice is self harm. Hurting on the inside, but also applying that level of pain to her appearance. I wished for nothing more than Caroline wrote in her book, because so much of it was relatable. I wished that I could've reached out to her while she struggled finding a source of happiness in life. I wish that I could've known her.
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September 12, 2025Personally, I don’t like reading memoirs because to rate someone else’s life experience feels wrong, so that being said, I would like to highlight some of the important aspects of this book instead:
-the author talks a lot about shame, the weight of carrying everything they can, it talks a lot about the secrecy behind their lives and the double. life that they feel like they live
-I think everyone can relate to an extent of feeling like they’re trying to keep up the weight of the world trying to get through when everything feels overwhelming so I found it really comforting to read.
-there were a few times in the book where I really wanted to hug the author and tell her that it was OK and that she could let her guard down, but sometimes we are taught. It’s not OK and we must be able to carry it all.
-I thought this memoir, although may be pertain to one particular subject, covered in variety and really portrayed what it’s like to struggle with mental health i in general.
-I found this book comforting in many ways, even ways that aren’t necessarily pertaining to the main subject.
-the author talks a lot about shame, the weight of carrying everything they can, it talks a lot about the secrecy behind their lives and the double. life that they feel like they live
-I think everyone can relate to an extent of feeling like they’re trying to keep up the weight of the world trying to get through when everything feels overwhelming so I found it really comforting to read.
-there were a few times in the book where I really wanted to hug the author and tell her that it was OK and that she could let her guard down, but sometimes we are taught. It’s not OK and we must be able to carry it all.
-I thought this memoir, although may be pertain to one particular subject, covered in variety and really portrayed what it’s like to struggle with mental health i in general.
-I found this book comforting in many ways, even ways that aren’t necessarily pertaining to the main subject.
November 30, 2019
This was an okay book to read again. I used to love this book, now it's just okay. If history about a person is your way to go, then read this book. This book is about Caroline Kettlewell. She basically wrote about her history of being a cutter. She was a creative, smart, and well treated by her family. She started cutting her legs and arms when she was only in the fifth grade. She didn't stop until she was around her twenties. If you would like to read and get to know Caroline more, this is the way to go.
September 27, 2022
"We're always looking for the logical explanation, the smoking gun, the inscrutable sagacious detective who will reveal all in the final chapter - but some things are too complex to suffer reduction to a simple equation of why/because"
November 18, 2024
also took me a bit to read… I liked it but i only started the book because i was like depressed and i just wanted to indulge in that(or make it worse sos). It was a good book though and im happy to report im in a much better place now😭😭🤷♀️
April 16, 2023
“i have drawn the line, and I am still on this side of it”
February 2, 2018
I am really enjoying this memoir.
Caroline's writing is superb. It not only flows lyrically, but has just enough of a hint of sarcasm and wry wit to amuse me. Her writing is clever, the vocabulary rich and expressive, and the diction has a certain rhythm, a cadence that flows beautifully. The writing itself is a joy to read, but the subject matter is beyond captivating. She not only enumerates her thoughts and feelings in a way that is shocking and bold, but also that captures you and allows you to walk through her mind. I've never seen someone explain the tormented thought processes of someone who self harms so well. She perfectly encapsulates the bizarre thoughts and feelings, the constant struggle and war within oneself, and how it makes very little sense, even to the person struggling with it. Caroline is incredibly perceptive, and better explains the complex nuances and often nonsensical impulses behind the desire to harm oneself than I thought possible. This book is poignant, intense, disturbing, illuminating, and more than anything else for me, comforting, in a strange sort of way.
Though as someone who has also had to contend with a predilection towards self-harm, I find it a bit disconcerting, because I find the author's disturbing, morbid, and just plain odd thought processes and feelings mirroring my own teenage thoughts and feelings far more than I'd care for (and to a much lesser extent, even my current thoughts and feelings). I'd much rather be able to continue in my denial and pretend that I don't still have some of those lugubrious feelings and anxieties, but reading this memoir is forcing me to confront some of that, albeit gently (if I must confront myself in any capacity, I suppose a book is a good way to reconcile these things inside myself, because a book can be put down if necessary and it won't judge you.) There are legitimately passages and whole chapters even, where it's as though I've ceased to read, and instead finally found an eloquent way to articulate what exactly is happening inside my head, what's bothering me, what I'm fretting about or contemplating. And that freaks me out, because it's obvious in reading this memoir that there are moments, insofar as to be whole swaths of time, where Caroline's thoughts are pretty disturbed and she's clearly unstable, and I'm reluctant to admit that I also used to fall into that category far more than was healthy (and occasionally I still do). Though at the very least, there is some solidarity in this, and I certainly appreciate that, as I think every messed up person who reads and strongly relates to this book will.
My only real qualm with this book is the ending. I guess I was just hoping for something MORE, some revelation, about how hard work and lots of therapy, mindfulness practices, lots of meditation, and some soul-searching helped Caroline to finally overcome her anxieties and learn to quiet the noise in her head. Instead, we got some platitude about how in the end, the anxiety comes and goes, will always return, but that during the respites, that's when we must enjoy life to the fullest, and remember that it will always eventually go, and that so long as we can weather the storm, we can live through it. I suppose ultimately, I was hoping for more than "time heals all wounds," was hoping to hear how she overcame her anxieties and learned to quell them, rather than reading that eventually she learned to live with them and just deal with it, so that she no longer needed the coping mechanism of cutting. Mostly I was just hoping for some sort of answer, and instead I get what I always do, that there are no answers, because this is life, and life is complicated and difficult like that, but that with enough time, wisdom, and perseverance, we can eventually learn to traverse life's difficulties.
In the end, any fault I find with this story is really my own concern, because this is Caroline's story, and this is her ending, her harrowing tale of how she learned to live with life's challenges, how she overcame cutting. And really, how can anyone judge a memoir, how can you justly rate the story of someone else's life? I feel the only fair way to truly do so is to rate not the story itself, but the execution thereof. And to that end, this book is marvelous. The prose is both masterful and beautiful, and the writing is engaging. Beyond that, I think anyone who is or has struggled with self-harm can relate to most of the elements in this book, if not all of them, and certainly, this could be an illuminating read for anyone who knows someone who self-harms and struggles to understand it. I think it took a lot of bravery and strength for Caroline to bare this much of herself and her struggle, and to share her story, and I think that anyone could admire and appreciate that.
Caroline's writing is superb. It not only flows lyrically, but has just enough of a hint of sarcasm and wry wit to amuse me. Her writing is clever, the vocabulary rich and expressive, and the diction has a certain rhythm, a cadence that flows beautifully. The writing itself is a joy to read, but the subject matter is beyond captivating. She not only enumerates her thoughts and feelings in a way that is shocking and bold, but also that captures you and allows you to walk through her mind. I've never seen someone explain the tormented thought processes of someone who self harms so well. She perfectly encapsulates the bizarre thoughts and feelings, the constant struggle and war within oneself, and how it makes very little sense, even to the person struggling with it. Caroline is incredibly perceptive, and better explains the complex nuances and often nonsensical impulses behind the desire to harm oneself than I thought possible. This book is poignant, intense, disturbing, illuminating, and more than anything else for me, comforting, in a strange sort of way.
Though as someone who has also had to contend with a predilection towards self-harm, I find it a bit disconcerting, because I find the author's disturbing, morbid, and just plain odd thought processes and feelings mirroring my own teenage thoughts and feelings far more than I'd care for (and to a much lesser extent, even my current thoughts and feelings). I'd much rather be able to continue in my denial and pretend that I don't still have some of those lugubrious feelings and anxieties, but reading this memoir is forcing me to confront some of that, albeit gently (if I must confront myself in any capacity, I suppose a book is a good way to reconcile these things inside myself, because a book can be put down if necessary and it won't judge you.) There are legitimately passages and whole chapters even, where it's as though I've ceased to read, and instead finally found an eloquent way to articulate what exactly is happening inside my head, what's bothering me, what I'm fretting about or contemplating. And that freaks me out, because it's obvious in reading this memoir that there are moments, insofar as to be whole swaths of time, where Caroline's thoughts are pretty disturbed and she's clearly unstable, and I'm reluctant to admit that I also used to fall into that category far more than was healthy (and occasionally I still do). Though at the very least, there is some solidarity in this, and I certainly appreciate that, as I think every messed up person who reads and strongly relates to this book will.
My only real qualm with this book is the ending. I guess I was just hoping for something MORE, some revelation, about how hard work and lots of therapy, mindfulness practices, lots of meditation, and some soul-searching helped Caroline to finally overcome her anxieties and learn to quiet the noise in her head. Instead, we got some platitude about how in the end, the anxiety comes and goes, will always return, but that during the respites, that's when we must enjoy life to the fullest, and remember that it will always eventually go, and that so long as we can weather the storm, we can live through it. I suppose ultimately, I was hoping for more than "time heals all wounds," was hoping to hear how she overcame her anxieties and learned to quell them, rather than reading that eventually she learned to live with them and just deal with it, so that she no longer needed the coping mechanism of cutting. Mostly I was just hoping for some sort of answer, and instead I get what I always do, that there are no answers, because this is life, and life is complicated and difficult like that, but that with enough time, wisdom, and perseverance, we can eventually learn to traverse life's difficulties.
In the end, any fault I find with this story is really my own concern, because this is Caroline's story, and this is her ending, her harrowing tale of how she learned to live with life's challenges, how she overcame cutting. And really, how can anyone judge a memoir, how can you justly rate the story of someone else's life? I feel the only fair way to truly do so is to rate not the story itself, but the execution thereof. And to that end, this book is marvelous. The prose is both masterful and beautiful, and the writing is engaging. Beyond that, I think anyone who is or has struggled with self-harm can relate to most of the elements in this book, if not all of them, and certainly, this could be an illuminating read for anyone who knows someone who self-harms and struggles to understand it. I think it took a lot of bravery and strength for Caroline to bare this much of herself and her struggle, and to share her story, and I think that anyone could admire and appreciate that.
November 2, 2019
Just read this memoir for my abnormal psychology class, and I honestly loved it! Kettlewell’s writing style is very vivid, and at some points it even almost felt like a work of fiction with the way she described settings so beautifully! Overall I feel that she articulated her story and struggles in a very beautiful way.
December 2, 2018
This. Book. I’m no stranger to the genre of a memoir about the all too common “issues” that surround coming of age - eating disorders, anxiety, self-mutilation - but this one is an absolute stand out. Starkly honest in its portrayal of of cutting as not quite a coping mechanism, but a solution to the entropy of life. It’s not something that begins as a cry for help, or an attempt at attention seeking, but as a curious solution to an unnamed problem. Really excellent writing throughout, and not full of the obnoxious platitudes and tidy endings that feel forced and are often far too common in these stories. Too often it feels like writers of these stories KNOW their audience and then sprinkle self-help rhetoric into their works, but Kettlewell respects her reader more than that and stays honest throughout, at times even breaking the 4th wall to address that very notion. Really excellent, and sure to stick with me for a while.
August 1, 2007
Though this book has largely been touted as "the memoir of a cutter," I think it paints a far more comprehensive picture of life with an anxiety disorder. As a writer, Kettlewell fares much better when she relies on her well-honed sense of irony than when she falls into sometimes belabored figurative language and verbose descriptions.
August 9, 2017
I think I'm going to cry a little.
This book have so much insight about my life.
As a person who has experienced so much things in her life I think sometimes a lot of paragraphs could have been written by myself.
It's dark, hard and always talks about the mental health issues without any hesitation.
I really like this book
I could say, one of my favourite books of the year
This book have so much insight about my life.
As a person who has experienced so much things in her life I think sometimes a lot of paragraphs could have been written by myself.
It's dark, hard and always talks about the mental health issues without any hesitation.
I really like this book
I could say, one of my favourite books of the year
March 15, 2012
A memoir of the authors fight with self harm and anorexia. Gives a good insight into the distorted thinking that accompanies these disorders. Finished rather abruptly..."and then I got better". Could have done with a lot more on how she overcame this.
December 14, 2017
I had a really hard time getting through even half of this book. Its very unlike me to not finish books and I'm always interested in this topic, but this book didn't do it for me. It was drawn out and a little boring. Maybe one day I'll give it another try.
July 23, 2019
Not too bad, you may need a dictionary while you read this since she constantly feels the need to use several words less commonly used instead of simple ones. I wouldn't mention this but it is seriously an excessive amount of times I needed to dictionary check words.
July 31, 2016
Great memoir about cutting and eating disorders. The author speaks openly about the issues she struggled with and her perspective during that time. Well written may be trigger for some.
December 4, 2018
Read this back in my undergrad years as a psych major.
March 3, 2021
me gusto demasiado para lo que es el subject. incluso pude relate sobre los que es el sentimiento abrumador y sentirse como que simplemente pensar que pueda tener algun problema aunque no sea un illness, que aunque piense que igual mi mental helath no es lo mejor, entonces estoy proving que en verdad no tengo ningun problema y que simplemente me estoy convenciendo de que tengo un problema pq igual siente la necesidad de sentirme como un victima o que soy especial. Y también me sentí igual cuando la autora dijo que como tengo un vida buena, una familia de la que no me puedo coger: entonces no tengo el derecho de sentirme mal.
Estaba bien written pero al final, yo cogi el libro para poder entender mas del lo que l y la hermana de l estan sufriendo, para entender los pensamientos de alguien que esta mentally ill, pq tengo una fascinación rara sobre esto y teniendo una vida tan buena a veces pienso que no soy apta o que no soy una buena amiga pq no se como es estar en su punto de vista. Y este libro no me lo explico mucho, incluso al final creo que de alguna forma me ha convencido que self mutilating igual no esta mala. Suena hasta divertido, como el pain que yo enjoy, el pain que siento cuando estoy stretching y los 30 segundos me duelen pero te hacen sentir bien, o el pain y fear que siento en los columpios esos gordos del parque o en el parque acuatico del aquapolis.
si que la autora reconocio, que una vez que lo hizo en el baño del colegio, se hizo muy facil de continuar casi como de costumbre. y aunque intentó parar aqui y halla de vez en cuando se turn a ello como comfort, para quiet down los thoughts y para parar de pensar tanto. asi que ese yo creo que es simplemente otras de mis obsesiones, como todas las conversaciones tan interesantes o los amores que declaro a S en mi cabeza, pero acciones que realisticamente nunca voy a llevar a cabo.
y su memoir va de creciendo su colegio de niños, su colegio publico, sus novios, su boarding school, college, llegar a la vida deprimente en un insurance company donde se queda hasta que meet a su segundo husband, quien la convence de volver al college. y su primer husband que la convencio a ir a terapia que finalmente le da unos antidrepessants que le clear de todos esos thoughts y le ayudan a ver la vida con mas sentido, como algo donde es posible vivir cada dia y pasar tiempo con su marido, quien la hace ver como le afecta su mutilation.
finalmente aca vienen los quotes que me gustaron especialmente
"Was it this dissociation that caused me a terrible itching, twitching restless unease, like the too-familiar hug from a relative i didnt care for"
"the blade slipped easily, painlessly through my skin, like a hot knife through butter. as swift and pure as a stroke of lightning, it wrought an absolute and pristine division between before and after. all the chaos, the sound a fury, the uncertainty and confusion and despair- all of it evaporated in an instant, and I was for that moment grounded, coherent, whole. Here is the irreducible self. I drew the line in the sand, marked my body as mine, its flesh and its blood under my command."
"i can no longer tell if I have/had real emotional troubles or if it is/was merely melodrama, i wrote in my journal, genuinely uncertain, as always, of the truth or fiction of my own feelings."
"but could i call that depression? no, my life was more like a flat coke- flavor minus the fizz."
"I changed the subject, and he let it slide, which only confirmed my suspicions that he hadn't meant it in the first place. It was one thing to fret and pace and think about killing yourself over your laundry, and it was another thing to be so self-indulgent as to believe that your whiny, narcissistic, middle-class preoccupations amounted to anything of substance."
"We believe so strongly in the face value of things. What would there have been about me, with my honor-roll standing and my respectable cross-section of friends and the wordplays I tossed into our English class vocabulary quizzes, to have suggested any alarm?"
Estaba bien written pero al final, yo cogi el libro para poder entender mas del lo que l y la hermana de l estan sufriendo, para entender los pensamientos de alguien que esta mentally ill, pq tengo una fascinación rara sobre esto y teniendo una vida tan buena a veces pienso que no soy apta o que no soy una buena amiga pq no se como es estar en su punto de vista. Y este libro no me lo explico mucho, incluso al final creo que de alguna forma me ha convencido que self mutilating igual no esta mala. Suena hasta divertido, como el pain que yo enjoy, el pain que siento cuando estoy stretching y los 30 segundos me duelen pero te hacen sentir bien, o el pain y fear que siento en los columpios esos gordos del parque o en el parque acuatico del aquapolis.
si que la autora reconocio, que una vez que lo hizo en el baño del colegio, se hizo muy facil de continuar casi como de costumbre. y aunque intentó parar aqui y halla de vez en cuando se turn a ello como comfort, para quiet down los thoughts y para parar de pensar tanto. asi que ese yo creo que es simplemente otras de mis obsesiones, como todas las conversaciones tan interesantes o los amores que declaro a S en mi cabeza, pero acciones que realisticamente nunca voy a llevar a cabo.
y su memoir va de creciendo su colegio de niños, su colegio publico, sus novios, su boarding school, college, llegar a la vida deprimente en un insurance company donde se queda hasta que meet a su segundo husband, quien la convence de volver al college. y su primer husband que la convencio a ir a terapia que finalmente le da unos antidrepessants que le clear de todos esos thoughts y le ayudan a ver la vida con mas sentido, como algo donde es posible vivir cada dia y pasar tiempo con su marido, quien la hace ver como le afecta su mutilation.
finalmente aca vienen los quotes que me gustaron especialmente
"Was it this dissociation that caused me a terrible itching, twitching restless unease, like the too-familiar hug from a relative i didnt care for"
"the blade slipped easily, painlessly through my skin, like a hot knife through butter. as swift and pure as a stroke of lightning, it wrought an absolute and pristine division between before and after. all the chaos, the sound a fury, the uncertainty and confusion and despair- all of it evaporated in an instant, and I was for that moment grounded, coherent, whole. Here is the irreducible self. I drew the line in the sand, marked my body as mine, its flesh and its blood under my command."
"i can no longer tell if I have/had real emotional troubles or if it is/was merely melodrama, i wrote in my journal, genuinely uncertain, as always, of the truth or fiction of my own feelings."
"but could i call that depression? no, my life was more like a flat coke- flavor minus the fizz."
"I changed the subject, and he let it slide, which only confirmed my suspicions that he hadn't meant it in the first place. It was one thing to fret and pace and think about killing yourself over your laundry, and it was another thing to be so self-indulgent as to believe that your whiny, narcissistic, middle-class preoccupations amounted to anything of substance."
"We believe so strongly in the face value of things. What would there have been about me, with my honor-roll standing and my respectable cross-section of friends and the wordplays I tossed into our English class vocabulary quizzes, to have suggested any alarm?"
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