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Beyond Motherhood: Choosing Life Without Children
After years of soul-searching, Jeanne Safer made the conscious decision not to have children. In this book, Safer and women across the country share insights that dispel the myth of childless women as emotionally barren or imcomplete, and encourage all women to honestly confront their needs--whether they choose motherhood or not.
208 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1996
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
August 10, 2009
i couldn't get past chapter two. the introduction made me very uncomfortable, but i thought i should stick with it. the author's emphasis on psychoanalysis and, particularly, the idea that women who choose to be childfree (and the fact that she refuses to use that term) do so because of a problematic relationship with their own mothers, is like some sort of intentional naivete. i'm also disturbed by her insistence that either the choice itself or the coming to terms with the choice is a difficult process that requires a woman find a new "outlet" for whatever "creative" energies she would otherwise have put toward motherhood; that she has to find a new way to be "womanly." WTF? of course, the book is entirely heteronormative.
as it was published in 1996, i suppose the plight of the childfree woman was a bit different. but i find it insulting to be told that not only am i suffering a loss by choosing not to have a child, but also that i necessarily must come to terms with this "loss," possibly for the rest of my life. additionally, the way she romanticises the idea of a child - all the beneficent experiences one has by seeing things through a child's eyes; that the bonds of genetics are inherently stronger than the bonds we choose ourselves - belie all her childfree-positive words. she actually waxes lyrically over the sadness she feels at not having children to pass her collection of antiqiue kimonos to. dear god. listed among her "reasons to have a baby" taken from her journal when she was actively angsting over the decision are "a new kind of intimacy," "a sense of connection with life and with other women" and "regaining my own childhood." and people call the childfree selfish.
perhaps women who are, indeed, struggling to decide whether or not they truly desire to be mothers will find this book useful. but as a woman who has long been emphatically and proudly childfree, i found it condescending and patronising.
as it was published in 1996, i suppose the plight of the childfree woman was a bit different. but i find it insulting to be told that not only am i suffering a loss by choosing not to have a child, but also that i necessarily must come to terms with this "loss," possibly for the rest of my life. additionally, the way she romanticises the idea of a child - all the beneficent experiences one has by seeing things through a child's eyes; that the bonds of genetics are inherently stronger than the bonds we choose ourselves - belie all her childfree-positive words. she actually waxes lyrically over the sadness she feels at not having children to pass her collection of antiqiue kimonos to. dear god. listed among her "reasons to have a baby" taken from her journal when she was actively angsting over the decision are "a new kind of intimacy," "a sense of connection with life and with other women" and "regaining my own childhood." and people call the childfree selfish.
perhaps women who are, indeed, struggling to decide whether or not they truly desire to be mothers will find this book useful. but as a woman who has long been emphatically and proudly childfree, i found it condescending and patronising.
April 22, 2008
My complaint about this book is similar to others': Safer didn't go far afield for material. I was encouraged by her own experiences, but she didn't write about women who are just workin' for a livin' and trying to deal with the choices they've made. Nearly every woman she talked to was a dancer, or a playwright, or an actress.
There is an undercurrent here, that if you don't have a child you are encouraged to fill up your life with something else. Maybe she didn't mean it that way, or she meant to put a more positive spin on it. But this book doesn't answer my next question, which is, why do our lives have to be stuffed to the rafters with doings?
There is an undercurrent here, that if you don't have a child you are encouraged to fill up your life with something else. Maybe she didn't mean it that way, or she meant to put a more positive spin on it. But this book doesn't answer my next question, which is, why do our lives have to be stuffed to the rafters with doings?
April 10, 2011
Despite the fact that it's older, this book is still relevant and I found it insightful and balanced. Safer brings up important facts to consider when choosing the childless life(things I hadn't actively thought about), such as making a will with no heir, dying without an immediate family, etc. She interviews women of different ages, mainly creative professional types, and explores the different routes women take to a childless life. Men are taken into account to a small degree, but this book focuses mainly on women making the decision for themselves.
The author is a pyschoanalyst and the book reflects this, heavy on the psychology terms and explanations; I did not find this to be a turn-off, but some people might. If you are looking into this lifestyle yourself or just curious as to why someone might make this decision, this is a worthwhile read.
The author is a pyschoanalyst and the book reflects this, heavy on the psychology terms and explanations; I did not find this to be a turn-off, but some people might. If you are looking into this lifestyle yourself or just curious as to why someone might make this decision, this is a worthwhile read.
October 26, 2008
Not really what I was expecting. Lots of stories about women who were too busy world traveling or doing vastly importatn work to have kids - they wanted them but didn't have time type of reasons. I didn't really resonate with any of the women - the book was almost presented as 'here are these fascinating women who do amazing things and it's okay they didn't have kids' which is great but it's also okay for people who AREN'T doing amazing world changing things to not want kids, too. The section about trying to help you figure out what you want was not very good, either. A couple good thoughts but beyond that, not much.
April 6, 2010
Although this book is definitely dated in parts, and it's a foregone conclusion that psychotherapy should be as routine as, say, brushing your teeth, one thing I appreciated about it is that while it presents both reasons why women choose to be childless, it doesn't judge those who do choose to have children.
June 11, 2011
In my twenties I thought I would eventually have children and wanted them more as I got older. Chronic disabling illness came along and now in my late thirties I'm facing the idea that I may be too ill to look after children of my own. I don't fit with the actively Child-Free or with the Unable to Conceive - I'm somewhere inbetween. I wanted to start reading more both about having and not having kids to see if it helps me come to decision as time is against me.
I hoped this book might strike a good balance and was interested to look at the idea of lives of women who chose not to have children without the in-your-face Child Free And Proud flavour of writing.
The bad points first:
- My edition was published in 1996 and I think in many ways it has dated. I think choosing to be child free is much more common in 2011 than it was in the mid 1990's when she was writing this book.
- The author is a psychoanaylst and her personal experience reflects this deeply. Her dreams are significant and influence her thinking. She looks at her case studies and of mothers from a psychoanalyst's frame of reference. A lot of this I found furstating and skimmed over.
- Many of the women she references in the book are artists, writers, film makers and they find their creative practice and careers very fulfilling and often all consuming. Women from other walks of life may find that a little hard to relate their own experience to.
- I'd like to have seen a little more of women in later life who chose not to have children and how they feel in their twilight years. There is some reference to this but not much.
- It's got a strong American focus which as a British reader made me stretch more to relate to what was being said
The good point(s):
- Amongst a lot of stuff I didn't much relate to or even irritated me were some absolute gems which made it worth having read it. Such as the idea that deciding not to have children doesn't suddenly open a gap that needs to be filled with something else but rather life opens up with more opportunities and possibilities. And like the admission by the majority of the women including the author that despite a choice not to have children that doesn't mean there is no feeling of loss, pain or grief which helped frame it better for me.
- Also lots of examples of couples (many of whom seemed normal and functional people though some did not) enjoying their relationship without children and the benefits it brings as well as many using their love, compassion and nuturing in active ways like caring for parents or neighbours, mentoring or surrounding themselves with nephews and nieces often not blood relations. That not having children doesn't close one down to kids altogether or mean you don't like kids.
Basically some really valuable moments that made me think, or said things that may be obvious but I hadn't known and it helped to be told. On balance glad I read it but the majority of the book I didn't enjoy.
I hoped this book might strike a good balance and was interested to look at the idea of lives of women who chose not to have children without the in-your-face Child Free And Proud flavour of writing.
The bad points first:
- My edition was published in 1996 and I think in many ways it has dated. I think choosing to be child free is much more common in 2011 than it was in the mid 1990's when she was writing this book.
- The author is a psychoanaylst and her personal experience reflects this deeply. Her dreams are significant and influence her thinking. She looks at her case studies and of mothers from a psychoanalyst's frame of reference. A lot of this I found furstating and skimmed over.
- Many of the women she references in the book are artists, writers, film makers and they find their creative practice and careers very fulfilling and often all consuming. Women from other walks of life may find that a little hard to relate their own experience to.
- I'd like to have seen a little more of women in later life who chose not to have children and how they feel in their twilight years. There is some reference to this but not much.
- It's got a strong American focus which as a British reader made me stretch more to relate to what was being said
The good point(s):
- Amongst a lot of stuff I didn't much relate to or even irritated me were some absolute gems which made it worth having read it. Such as the idea that deciding not to have children doesn't suddenly open a gap that needs to be filled with something else but rather life opens up with more opportunities and possibilities. And like the admission by the majority of the women including the author that despite a choice not to have children that doesn't mean there is no feeling of loss, pain or grief which helped frame it better for me.
- Also lots of examples of couples (many of whom seemed normal and functional people though some did not) enjoying their relationship without children and the benefits it brings as well as many using their love, compassion and nuturing in active ways like caring for parents or neighbours, mentoring or surrounding themselves with nephews and nieces often not blood relations. That not having children doesn't close one down to kids altogether or mean you don't like kids.
Basically some really valuable moments that made me think, or said things that may be obvious but I hadn't known and it helped to be told. On balance glad I read it but the majority of the book I didn't enjoy.
December 15, 2016
I knew I was going to love this book the moment I read, on page 4: "In my opinion, any woman who does not have a child--and I include myself--is missing something, whether she knows it or not" but goes on to say that both childless women and women with children both give up on something and both are okay.
I've read a lot of "childfree" and childless books and this is by far the best one I've read yet. Although quite dated (published in 1996, so now over 20 years old), its points still remain highly relevant and perhaps more so now.
This book is the first one that really invited me to self-examine myself, my relationships, the childhood that shaped me and my life as it stands now, thinking about the various reasons I ended up (mostly) choosing not to have children. The author used a dozen examples of women from different backgrounds and circumstances who have chosen to not have children, for a variety of different reasons, and told their stories in a very honest and candid way.
I really appreciated the opportunity to read this book and the viewpoints it offered from the perspective of these childless women. As this book was written before the Internet took off and long before social media allowed us the ability to connect easily to others with similar interests and lifestyles, I would imagine (hope) that it is now more possible for those of us who have chosen to be childfree to connect with others and find support systems a bit easier.
I've read a lot of "childfree" and childless books and this is by far the best one I've read yet. Although quite dated (published in 1996, so now over 20 years old), its points still remain highly relevant and perhaps more so now.
This book is the first one that really invited me to self-examine myself, my relationships, the childhood that shaped me and my life as it stands now, thinking about the various reasons I ended up (mostly) choosing not to have children. The author used a dozen examples of women from different backgrounds and circumstances who have chosen to not have children, for a variety of different reasons, and told their stories in a very honest and candid way.
I really appreciated the opportunity to read this book and the viewpoints it offered from the perspective of these childless women. As this book was written before the Internet took off and long before social media allowed us the ability to connect easily to others with similar interests and lifestyles, I would imagine (hope) that it is now more possible for those of us who have chosen to be childfree to connect with others and find support systems a bit easier.
October 16, 2011
This book is excellent! I had read another on the topic of choosing to not have children but feel this is more genuine and intelligent. At first blush, I was irritated by the name--I felt that perhaps the author saw not having children is a better choice than motherhood. However, "beyond" the perfect descriptor: the women in this book had to find an alternative definition of what it is to be a woman, one BEYOND the one society uses that always includes rearing children. It's a question I myself have asked, just how feminine and womanly I can be should I choose to not raise children. What I appreciated the most was that the author acknowledged that there can still be regret even if it is the right decision. The author tells of weeping when her mother sent her old booties and she realized she'd never have that bond with a child and would not give her mother the grandchildren she craved. The lives of childless couples are discussed as well as reasons for and reactions to their choice. The book gives a number of good questions considering this lifestyle for both potential mothers and their partners (my only wish is that same-sex couples were addressed as well as more women from minority populations interviewed). An incredibly valuable read.
January 30, 2012
I've read a lot of books on childless women as it's a personal interest for me, and what I really liked about Dr. Safer's book is that it was such an easy read. While it was published a while ago, it is a great checkout from the library as all the women's stories are still relevant today. The author wrote in a fluid style that made it easy to read. It was more focused on narratives than presenting you with a bunch of statistics and research findings as other published books on childless women do. This book tends to focus mostly on childfree by choice women which I also enjoyed in particular.
January 15, 2011
Wow! What a great book! I started it today and finished it today. A very interesting exploration into many of the reasons women choose not to have children, the pros and cons of their decisions, and why you're not a weirdo if you decide to choose the childfree path. The one thing I didn't really like about it was that it seems the author considers psychotherapy to be an essential and necessary part of every woman's life.
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July 22, 2015Thought provoking on helping one find one's inner reasons for having or not having a child. Helps clear away outside influences and focuses attention on how one lives one's life. Internal balance and knowing that one has finite energy is helpfully pointed out. Finally, that this is a life choice that means either way one will be giving up something whether it be independence/freedom or genetic legacy.
April 12, 2011
I read this book in a single evening. I found it to be really thought provoking and sensitive to the feelings a woman would have when deciding to forgo motherhood. I felt it helped me put words to some of the questions and feelings I had regarding this subject.
March 27, 2014
I read this many years ago - a must for anyone deciding whether or not to have children. This helped me with my decision to stop trying for them.
January 17, 2016
An honest look at a child free existence.
July 15, 2021
Given that this book was published in 1996, there are numerous parts of the book that haven't aged as gracefully as others (like the book's heteronormativity). I also think reading this book now is very different than it would have been in the 90's, as several books about not being a mother and/or not being married have been published since then. I think many more people know someone who has chosen not to have children now than back then--though that might just be my experience.
All that being said, I actually think this book offers an solid overview of the experience of not having children in america. There is some element of loss, even if you're confident in your decision. Choosing not to have children probably is related to your family of origin and how you saw having children impacted people's careers and lives, even if you came from a happy family. There is a social stigma around women who don't have children as being selfish or "broken." This book discusses all of those things, from a non-judgemental, oral history kind of perspective. At the end of the book, the author provides several questions to help you think through having children (why to or why not to have children, and what that means to you).
overall, despite the shortcomings, I think this book was thought-provoking and honest.
All that being said, I actually think this book offers an solid overview of the experience of not having children in america. There is some element of loss, even if you're confident in your decision. Choosing not to have children probably is related to your family of origin and how you saw having children impacted people's careers and lives, even if you came from a happy family. There is a social stigma around women who don't have children as being selfish or "broken." This book discusses all of those things, from a non-judgemental, oral history kind of perspective. At the end of the book, the author provides several questions to help you think through having children (why to or why not to have children, and what that means to you).
overall, despite the shortcomings, I think this book was thought-provoking and honest.
June 21, 2017
I read this book right after I got my tubes tied. It was what I needed to hear when everyone was pushing back on me.
July 31, 2015
Quotable:
In my opinion, any woman who does not have a child – and I include myself – is missing something, whether she knows it or not. I will never have the unique relationship with a child that a mother has, and she will never have the degree of personal freedom that I have – we’re both giving up something, and we’re both giving up something too. Neither of us “has it all,” although we can both feel amply compensated and satisfied with what we have and the choice we made. Acknowledging the losses that life entails is an essential part of self-acceptance.
I believe – and I spend most of my waking hours helping others realize – that a woman is not doomed to repeat her mother’s life or her own childhood and that parents are not to blame for one’s fate. My parents’ love for me was never in doubt; the pain they inflicted was never intentional, and their lapses were a result of their own histories and struggles, of which I was only a part. I also know that family relationships have effects that cannot always be undone. Because of who I am and the dynamics of my family. I have had to forgo certain experiences in order to assure that I have what I need most. This means that things others tolerate I do not, that I would be bothered by the constant arrangements and impingements, by the responses demanded by a child – things that would be less disruptive had I had a different past. Realizing this involved accepting my needs, my character, the integrity of my life, and my parents, in all our fallible humanity.
It’s understood that women are supposed to have children and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. I was reared to have children and not to think of myself first.
[H]aving a child would have been a continuation of her past, when she never felt free to be herself because she had to meet other people's expectations and take care of them.
As Janet Frank said, “My life is not better or worse than that of a woman with children - it’s just different.”
Mrs. Taylor never remarried because she worried that no man would treat her daughters properly, and so they remained her primary focus. In actuality, she was unconsciously using motherhood as a rationale for avoiding other relationships and relying on her children and her role as their mother to give her life meaning.
[A] truly good mother provides the foundation for genuine choices by teaching her daughter the courage to find her own way.
With all of Kevin’s charm, wit, and devotion, he is not an easy man for Linda to live with… There have been periods when she had no work and he got bad reviews, when they’ve lonely apart and grated on each other when they were together. He is as brazen and tactless as she is demure and reticent. Their basic bond has weathered it all.
[T]here are no lives without limitations, no choices without losses.
Sharon credits her mother’s childless older sister, a schoolteacher whom she “idolized,” with helping her develop her individuality. “Because of her, I never thought I needed motherhood to make me whole,” she said; having someone to emulate made her own feelings more acceptable.
In my opinion, any woman who does not have a child – and I include myself – is missing something, whether she knows it or not. I will never have the unique relationship with a child that a mother has, and she will never have the degree of personal freedom that I have – we’re both giving up something, and we’re both giving up something too. Neither of us “has it all,” although we can both feel amply compensated and satisfied with what we have and the choice we made. Acknowledging the losses that life entails is an essential part of self-acceptance.
I believe – and I spend most of my waking hours helping others realize – that a woman is not doomed to repeat her mother’s life or her own childhood and that parents are not to blame for one’s fate. My parents’ love for me was never in doubt; the pain they inflicted was never intentional, and their lapses were a result of their own histories and struggles, of which I was only a part. I also know that family relationships have effects that cannot always be undone. Because of who I am and the dynamics of my family. I have had to forgo certain experiences in order to assure that I have what I need most. This means that things others tolerate I do not, that I would be bothered by the constant arrangements and impingements, by the responses demanded by a child – things that would be less disruptive had I had a different past. Realizing this involved accepting my needs, my character, the integrity of my life, and my parents, in all our fallible humanity.
It’s understood that women are supposed to have children and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. I was reared to have children and not to think of myself first.
[H]aving a child would have been a continuation of her past, when she never felt free to be herself because she had to meet other people's expectations and take care of them.
As Janet Frank said, “My life is not better or worse than that of a woman with children - it’s just different.”
Mrs. Taylor never remarried because she worried that no man would treat her daughters properly, and so they remained her primary focus. In actuality, she was unconsciously using motherhood as a rationale for avoiding other relationships and relying on her children and her role as their mother to give her life meaning.
[A] truly good mother provides the foundation for genuine choices by teaching her daughter the courage to find her own way.
With all of Kevin’s charm, wit, and devotion, he is not an easy man for Linda to live with… There have been periods when she had no work and he got bad reviews, when they’ve lonely apart and grated on each other when they were together. He is as brazen and tactless as she is demure and reticent. Their basic bond has weathered it all.
[T]here are no lives without limitations, no choices without losses.
Sharon credits her mother’s childless older sister, a schoolteacher whom she “idolized,” with helping her develop her individuality. “Because of her, I never thought I needed motherhood to make me whole,” she said; having someone to emulate made her own feelings more acceptable.
March 18, 2009
I am anxiously awaiting this book from another library. (consortioum hold) I hope it sets my mind at ease and makes it so I can counter some of the guilt friends and family are trying to thrust upon me due to my choice of being child-free.
Updated 3/3/09:
This is a great read so far. Eventhough it was written by a psychatrist and at times can seem like raw "psycho-babble", it really explains the process all women go though when deciding whether or not to have children. It is well-balanced with stories of women who have also weighed their options, and why they've decided against it. I'll have to check the copyright date again, but thoughout the book there are many refrences to how life was in the 1950s. Maybe it was written by an author of the next generation, like the 1970s? She mentions often that the child-less couple is still seen as a rareity, and talking about it is still taboo. I don't deny these facts, but it just seems we as a society should be more enlightened by now.
Updated 3/16/09:
Well I finished it. The last couple chapters were a little hard to face/think about since they talked about death and old age without children or a next generation to carry on your "legacy." I found out the copyright date for this paticular edition is sometime in 1998, but it still seems to be an older, more tight-laced book. I was expecting it to be a little more loose and light-hearted for the 20 to 30-somethings out there like myself who are battling this already serious and tough decision. It was more for the nearly-menopausal women who have probably been battleing this FOR YEARS already. Personally, I've been dealing with it the most since about a year after saying "I do" at age 21. I did help me become more comfortable with my decision and how to deal with those who think the concept of being child-less is immoral. It isn't. And for those who need a break from their kids, I'm free to baby-sit. :0)
Updated 3/3/09:
This is a great read so far. Eventhough it was written by a psychatrist and at times can seem like raw "psycho-babble", it really explains the process all women go though when deciding whether or not to have children. It is well-balanced with stories of women who have also weighed their options, and why they've decided against it. I'll have to check the copyright date again, but thoughout the book there are many refrences to how life was in the 1950s. Maybe it was written by an author of the next generation, like the 1970s? She mentions often that the child-less couple is still seen as a rareity, and talking about it is still taboo. I don't deny these facts, but it just seems we as a society should be more enlightened by now.
Updated 3/16/09:
Well I finished it. The last couple chapters were a little hard to face/think about since they talked about death and old age without children or a next generation to carry on your "legacy." I found out the copyright date for this paticular edition is sometime in 1998, but it still seems to be an older, more tight-laced book. I was expecting it to be a little more loose and light-hearted for the 20 to 30-somethings out there like myself who are battling this already serious and tough decision. It was more for the nearly-menopausal women who have probably been battleing this FOR YEARS already. Personally, I've been dealing with it the most since about a year after saying "I do" at age 21. I did help me become more comfortable with my decision and how to deal with those who think the concept of being child-less is immoral. It isn't. And for those who need a break from their kids, I'm free to baby-sit. :0)
May 27, 2014
Could not even finish after chapter 2. If i read the word "ambivalent" or read about her dreams one more time i was going to fling the book across the room. Dreams dont tell you whether or not you want a child! She had a few valid points; keyword: few.
July 25, 2008
interesting, but a little out there.
February 13, 2015
Very informational.
May 31, 2016
It is one of the books that came at the right time to provide answers to the most pressing questions.
July 24, 2016
Thorough and clearly written; a bit redundant at times. Worth your time if this is an issue you grapple with.
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October 1, 2024Long ago.
Only comment is "fair"
Only comment is "fair"
no-active-interest
March 19, 20195 BOOKS TO READ IF YOU DON’T WANT KIDS
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