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Talking from 9 to 5 : Women and Men at Work - Language, Sex and Power
Deborah Tannen looks at the role played by talk 'from 9 to 5', focusing in particular on the differing conversational rituals that typify men and women. Those common among men involve opposition such as banter, joking and playful put-downs; common among women are ways of maintaining the appearance of equality, avoiding boasting and downplaying authority. Arguing that no one style is superior, Tannen shows that when conventions are taken literally, there are negative results for both sides. She illuminates the different ways men and women make decisions, ask for information and delegate. Then shows how these styles affect how we are judged in the workplace. Talking from 9 to 5 is a brilliantly incisive book that offers powerful new ways of understanding what's really going on at work.
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First published January 1, 1994
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About the author
Deborah Tannen
69 books327 followersDeborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 78 reviews
April 6, 2008
Deborah Tannen is a linguist and was affiliated with a university that my mother-in-law, a former librarian, worked at and brought to my attention. I am now reading her books as it relates to communication with my 13 year old daughter, to ensure that the negative dynamics that other mothers of daughters does not enter into our relationship.
I find authors who resonate with me, and tend to read anything they write thereafter. For instance, if an author, from my opinion, tends to stereotype, I cannot read them.
Tannen leveraged research and observations of male and female communication styles, from the earliest life stages to share how the different sexes communicate differently. Around this time, Men are from Mars book was around and was, for me, based on stereotypes that I did not identify with.
Tannen's book is more scientific and non-labeling of behaviors so resonated with me tremendously. As a result of reading the book, I was able to learn how to interpret messages from women as much as men. Since I am a strong thinker, women were actually more difficult for me to understand than men.
As an example - "Report" talk by men vs. "rapport" talk by women -- women talk "troubles talk" to build community, when men hear this, they are more than likely to feel that the problems need solving and will say what to do; this creates dissonance as the woman just wants to feel understood not "bossed" around, and the man can't understand why she's telling him problems if she doesn't want solutions.
This book takes those issues to work and through many examples from her own research and others in sociolinguistics, anthropology and sociology, Tannen makes the point that different communication styles are problematic only when people don't understand them, that there is no "better" way to talk than another. Tannen made a fascinating point about communication styles and conversation rituals. She writes that people think they can tell when someone is lying to them, but research shows that really, people are not good at discerning this.
In a similar way, we think we can tell if someone is confident and a good leader by the way they talk, but we can't. A woman, who raises the tone of her statements to sound like questions, who gives indirect orders and who seeks input before making decisions may often be assumed to be weaker than a man in a similar role, but her conversation rituals are not a true mark of who she is; they are the communication style that she was more likely than not socialized to use as a woman.
Likewise, men are assumed to want the floor and command, when sometimes they would rather not take it. Tannen gives evidence on how difficult it is for women to be heard in meetings, and provides anthropological studies that show that as far back as age 3, boys listen to boys and girls listen to girls at play, but boys do not listen to girls, and may ignore and insult them when they pipe up to direct activities. This book is not a polemic against men or masculine styles. Tannen finds that most communication styles are appropriate in many instances.
There is more than one way to get the job done, and sometimes, a masculine style is better than a feminine style, and sometimes the opposite is true, but she makes it very clear that a lack of that understanding can be detrimental to organizations because of erroneous assumptions made about people's abilities based on their conversational style.
One of her overriding points, born out by her research, is that women tend to talk to build community and do nont like to stand out for accomplishments or for failures in a group. They will engage in ritual talk that seeks inclusion so as to maintain good feeling among the group, not because they are insecure and need to feel that no one dislikes them. Men, on the other hand, tend to engage in one-up talk, are more sensitive to being one down, and will take the lead to avoid being bested. (When a woman who is trying to build community is "one-upped" by a man who takes her ritualistic talk and her willingness to put herself down to create harmony, she feels "betrayed" by his spurning of her communal talk to take the upper hand. Who is "right?" Neither, but their reactions to the same conversation may be very different and in some cases, harmful to the organization.)
The last chapter, "Who gets heard" is especially instructive, and the afterword is a great essay on the issue with justification for her methods and theories. I think this book would be perfect for anyone who reports to someone of the opposite gender or who is the boss of same.
I find authors who resonate with me, and tend to read anything they write thereafter. For instance, if an author, from my opinion, tends to stereotype, I cannot read them.
Tannen leveraged research and observations of male and female communication styles, from the earliest life stages to share how the different sexes communicate differently. Around this time, Men are from Mars book was around and was, for me, based on stereotypes that I did not identify with.
Tannen's book is more scientific and non-labeling of behaviors so resonated with me tremendously. As a result of reading the book, I was able to learn how to interpret messages from women as much as men. Since I am a strong thinker, women were actually more difficult for me to understand than men.
As an example - "Report" talk by men vs. "rapport" talk by women -- women talk "troubles talk" to build community, when men hear this, they are more than likely to feel that the problems need solving and will say what to do; this creates dissonance as the woman just wants to feel understood not "bossed" around, and the man can't understand why she's telling him problems if she doesn't want solutions.
This book takes those issues to work and through many examples from her own research and others in sociolinguistics, anthropology and sociology, Tannen makes the point that different communication styles are problematic only when people don't understand them, that there is no "better" way to talk than another. Tannen made a fascinating point about communication styles and conversation rituals. She writes that people think they can tell when someone is lying to them, but research shows that really, people are not good at discerning this.
In a similar way, we think we can tell if someone is confident and a good leader by the way they talk, but we can't. A woman, who raises the tone of her statements to sound like questions, who gives indirect orders and who seeks input before making decisions may often be assumed to be weaker than a man in a similar role, but her conversation rituals are not a true mark of who she is; they are the communication style that she was more likely than not socialized to use as a woman.
Likewise, men are assumed to want the floor and command, when sometimes they would rather not take it. Tannen gives evidence on how difficult it is for women to be heard in meetings, and provides anthropological studies that show that as far back as age 3, boys listen to boys and girls listen to girls at play, but boys do not listen to girls, and may ignore and insult them when they pipe up to direct activities. This book is not a polemic against men or masculine styles. Tannen finds that most communication styles are appropriate in many instances.
There is more than one way to get the job done, and sometimes, a masculine style is better than a feminine style, and sometimes the opposite is true, but she makes it very clear that a lack of that understanding can be detrimental to organizations because of erroneous assumptions made about people's abilities based on their conversational style.
One of her overriding points, born out by her research, is that women tend to talk to build community and do nont like to stand out for accomplishments or for failures in a group. They will engage in ritual talk that seeks inclusion so as to maintain good feeling among the group, not because they are insecure and need to feel that no one dislikes them. Men, on the other hand, tend to engage in one-up talk, are more sensitive to being one down, and will take the lead to avoid being bested. (When a woman who is trying to build community is "one-upped" by a man who takes her ritualistic talk and her willingness to put herself down to create harmony, she feels "betrayed" by his spurning of her communal talk to take the upper hand. Who is "right?" Neither, but their reactions to the same conversation may be very different and in some cases, harmful to the organization.)
The last chapter, "Who gets heard" is especially instructive, and the afterword is a great essay on the issue with justification for her methods and theories. I think this book would be perfect for anyone who reports to someone of the opposite gender or who is the boss of same.
February 8, 2018
I don't remember how this got onto my book shelves, but there it was when I was looking for something to read.
Wish I'd read it years ago. When I think back to the times in my work life when I had difficulty, it was never because I couldn't accomplish a technical task. No, it was because I couldn't communicate effectively with a co-worker or boss. (Sometimes my being a knucklehead didn't help either.)
The book is written, I think it's fair to say, for the benefit of women, but it works as a good guide for men, too, on how we Americans talk at work. (Americans because, as I learned from the book, other cultures -- the Japanese, especially -- talk very differently than we do.)
The author is a college professor and linguist, and sometimes quotes more research studies than we need to know about. Sometimes we'd wish an editor had convinced her to cut to the chase, or not present that particular argument at all.
But if you're a woman in the work force, or have a loved one who is, or are a male working with women, I think you'll find this book interesting and valuable. You might, as I did, start listening to conversations at work in a different way, almost as a linguist would.
One chapter, "Marked: Women in the Workplace," is an eye-opening tour de force. It makes me marvel even more at those isolated examples of successful women in the Fortune 500, and what barriers they overcame to achieve the top rungs.
This is one of those books that's like your first pair of glasses, letting you see more clearly the reality that had, unknowingly, been a blur.
Wish I'd read it years ago. When I think back to the times in my work life when I had difficulty, it was never because I couldn't accomplish a technical task. No, it was because I couldn't communicate effectively with a co-worker or boss. (Sometimes my being a knucklehead didn't help either.)
The book is written, I think it's fair to say, for the benefit of women, but it works as a good guide for men, too, on how we Americans talk at work. (Americans because, as I learned from the book, other cultures -- the Japanese, especially -- talk very differently than we do.)
The author is a college professor and linguist, and sometimes quotes more research studies than we need to know about. Sometimes we'd wish an editor had convinced her to cut to the chase, or not present that particular argument at all.
But if you're a woman in the work force, or have a loved one who is, or are a male working with women, I think you'll find this book interesting and valuable. You might, as I did, start listening to conversations at work in a different way, almost as a linguist would.
One chapter, "Marked: Women in the Workplace," is an eye-opening tour de force. It makes me marvel even more at those isolated examples of successful women in the Fortune 500, and what barriers they overcame to achieve the top rungs.
This is one of those books that's like your first pair of glasses, letting you see more clearly the reality that had, unknowingly, been a blur.
June 20, 2012
When I started reading this book, I didn't realize just how long ago 1994 was in the realm of workplace communication and office management. As such, a number of items (especially dress and makeup) are dated, but some things never change in 20 years: B. Mikulski is still a senator, and people are still giving H. Clinton grief.
This book is long on detail and academia-speak (not necessarily bad things), but it is exceptionally short on action items. How do we, both women and men, change the situation? What are concrete methods of changing things for the better? How can we improve office communication between the sexes? Unlike Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers, which cited this book and provided strategies for change, Tannen provides no tips on how to better communication, and this book would have been greatly improved with the inclusion of such ideas.
This book is long on detail and academia-speak (not necessarily bad things), but it is exceptionally short on action items. How do we, both women and men, change the situation? What are concrete methods of changing things for the better? How can we improve office communication between the sexes? Unlike Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers, which cited this book and provided strategies for change, Tannen provides no tips on how to better communication, and this book would have been greatly improved with the inclusion of such ideas.
March 23, 2009
The book would probably be most helpful for people in managerial roles. It is more of a guide to understanding communication styles than a guide to improving one's own. I did find it very interesting though. It gave a concrete voice to many of my own perceptions about the way I am perceived and helped me to understand one of my co-workers in particular who has a communication style at the exact opposite end of the spectrum from my own (and one that I don't often encounter in southern society).
It was also nice to have someone with a pedegree confirm that many of the labels that have been applied to me because of my own style (not-confident, etc.) are merely mis-reading social cues that are so automatic to me. I appreciated her even-handed and nonjudgmental tone.
It was also nice to have someone with a pedegree confirm that many of the labels that have been applied to me because of my own style (not-confident, etc.) are merely mis-reading social cues that are so automatic to me. I appreciated her even-handed and nonjudgmental tone.
July 26, 2009
I've read several books by Deborah Tannen. She offers insight into the differences between how men and women think, and therefore speak differently. She explains the valid reasons behind both gender styles of communication. This book focuses mainly on conversations in the workplace.
May 10, 2020
The fear of rape is the extreme form of it; the fear of male violence is nub.
Women have always be discriminated against in the workplace, be it making less than their male counterparts or called names.
This book explains why women are always made fun of at work.
May 15, 2019
This is another book that I selected as part of a learning initiative for managers at my workplace. I read this book when it first came out in 1994. I just re-read it, and I have to say, it remains an enormously important study of how men and women of my generation interact in the workplace.
Deborah Tannen is not in management or HR; her field is linguistics. She has remarkable insights into how language colors our every day interactions, how it has an impact on how our accomplishments are (or are not) recognized and how it alters the meaning of just about everything.
Among her major points, Dr. Tannen notes that, in general, women avoid conflict and prefer harmony in all things, As such, women tend to speak indirectly. This is so very true, at least for women of my upbringing and generation (see below). Women, even those nominally in power, tend to seek approval. They leave room for consideration and potential disagreement, they buffer any criticism of others with praise, and, as a result, they are simply unheard and and their words, however important, go unheeded.
By contrast, men communicate more directly, I call it "jungle mode" (this is my term not hers). Speech is functional and direct. Anger and hostility are used as necessary to jockey for dominance. Once relative positions are established, everyone is back to baseline. Most women of my generation are astounded by this. Why isn’t everyone still hurt and upset after all the yelling? In my experience, if two women have a loud screaming argument at work, there will be hurt feelings for, oh, the next ten years or so. Maybe longer.
Two important lessons here. First - while I am still polite and gracious and thank everyone all the time in the normal course of events, I have learned how to be direct when necessary. The first time I opened my mouth and simply said “No, That Is Not Correct” when a group of men were trying to steamroll me, I thought the Earth would open and swallow me up. Surprisingly, that didn’t happen.
Likewise, I have not yet determined whether women of younger generations speak indirectly and have the same issues that many Boomer women do. Deborah Tannen herself writes in this book that her experiences focus on “middle class white women” in her university workplace. Our workplaces are now multi-ethnic and multi-generational. Are women of other ethnicities, of Gen X, Millenial and/or Gen Z equally compulsed over the need to seem unassuming? Someone (not me) may know the answer to this.
Deborah Tannen is not in management or HR; her field is linguistics. She has remarkable insights into how language colors our every day interactions, how it has an impact on how our accomplishments are (or are not) recognized and how it alters the meaning of just about everything.
Among her major points, Dr. Tannen notes that, in general, women avoid conflict and prefer harmony in all things, As such, women tend to speak indirectly. This is so very true, at least for women of my upbringing and generation (see below). Women, even those nominally in power, tend to seek approval. They leave room for consideration and potential disagreement, they buffer any criticism of others with praise, and, as a result, they are simply unheard and and their words, however important, go unheeded.
By contrast, men communicate more directly, I call it "jungle mode" (this is my term not hers). Speech is functional and direct. Anger and hostility are used as necessary to jockey for dominance. Once relative positions are established, everyone is back to baseline. Most women of my generation are astounded by this. Why isn’t everyone still hurt and upset after all the yelling? In my experience, if two women have a loud screaming argument at work, there will be hurt feelings for, oh, the next ten years or so. Maybe longer.
Two important lessons here. First - while I am still polite and gracious and thank everyone all the time in the normal course of events, I have learned how to be direct when necessary. The first time I opened my mouth and simply said “No, That Is Not Correct” when a group of men were trying to steamroll me, I thought the Earth would open and swallow me up. Surprisingly, that didn’t happen.
Likewise, I have not yet determined whether women of younger generations speak indirectly and have the same issues that many Boomer women do. Deborah Tannen herself writes in this book that her experiences focus on “middle class white women” in her university workplace. Our workplaces are now multi-ethnic and multi-generational. Are women of other ethnicities, of Gen X, Millenial and/or Gen Z equally compulsed over the need to seem unassuming? Someone (not me) may know the answer to this.
August 13, 2021
Great book that explores how the way you talk can lead to assumptions and misunderstandings, as it pertains to men vs women in the American workplace (as the author carefully notes, not all men/women follow the same patterns but there are still some generalities that can be drawn). The author draws on examples from multiple cultures as well and demonstrates that a communication style that is considered powerful in one culture may be completely flipped in another. The book is a bit lacking on suggestions on how to deal with differences in communication, but nonetheless the first step to a solution is awareness of the problem. Highly recommend, especially for anyone who manages or leads others - don't miss out on what your team members have to say just because they don't speak as confidently or frequently as others.
April 29, 2015
Really useful in understanding how wrong conversations can go. Helps in understanding how the same words don't mean the same to the speaker and listener. Adds much perspective to many of the problems we see in today's culture wars. Highly recommend reading any/all of Deborah Tannen's books.
I don't always agree with her but she does cause me to stop and think more before getting angry. I also laugh more when miscommunication happens when I find myself saying "I just said that didn't you listen to my words".
I don't always agree with her but she does cause me to stop and think more before getting angry. I also laugh more when miscommunication happens when I find myself saying "I just said that didn't you listen to my words".
January 3, 2008
This is an excellent resource for women and a beautiful sociolinguistic bit of research. Tannen is a serious linguistic researcher who, as it happens, has found a mainstream readership and has successfully marketed herself into a general interest category. She impresses me to no end. If you like Pinker, you'll also like Tannen.
February 25, 2008
Deborah Tannen is brilliant. I have been devouring her books, and this is the latest that I've read. Her insights are not just observations; they are reinforced by scientific research. She elucidates how our language works and how it is affected by status, gender, and specific circumstance. It's fascinating, but it's also really, really helpful.
August 22, 2007
I'd really like to read more of Deborah Tannen, and more about sociolinguistics as well.
November 17, 2007
I learned more about the spectrum of communication styles, especially when people communicate indirectly. Insightful as to why miscommunication occurs.
Currently reading
September 19, 2007still reading. But this girl says what needs to be said. Brain Candy.
February 22, 2020
The overall feel of the book was cyclical. I would feel frustrated or upset by the author's interpretation of situations for 9 minutes and then have a 1 minute mini-experience of hope. The hope was that should would have a rational and objective manner of assessing her many anecdotes. Instead, she regularly used the anecdotes to perpetuate her own narrative, which I will discuss later below
There were some moments when I certainly learned something. This is exciting for me. I engaged with a book that challenged my own point of view, made me uncomfortable, and I was able to learn something new by sticking it out and reading it. For example, I now have a better ability to recognize the social ritual of taking either the one-up or one-down position. Also, I acquired a better understanding of the differences in oriental social behavior in comparison to American social behavior. Lastly, I was able to confirm a working hypothesis of mine: if I tried to participate in my workplace social rituals more often, then I would cause problems for myself given the significant differences in my communication styles and my peers. Thankfully the author said not one style is right or wrong in itself.
Before reading the book, please know that the underlying framework the book is based on is power. Women being powerless, or having less power, men imposing their power, society rewarding those with power. Power, power, power. She only explicitly alludes to this briefly a few times, but a conscious eye will see the power tones throughout. If you are somebody who sees the world more often through a lens of competence or emotional needs, then you'll likely by perpetually disappointed to constant references or themes of status, power, superiority, unfairness, and inequities.
It was interesting to see the genesis of today's feminist movement. It was far more moderate than it is today. Men were not as villanized and tradition wasn't as ridiculed. However, the skeleton of the narrative is the same: men and they institutions they have created are abusers of their power at the expense of women. Therefore, it even had a hint of liberal propaganda in it.
Enjoying this book depends entirely on your frame of reference. If you plan on reading this to learn about the raw scientific differences between men and women - wrong book. This book begins with many political premises such as women are "marked", women are vicitims, men are unfair to women, and women face a harder time in general than a man does. Therefore, the science evaluated is about 80% collected and interpreted to verify these initial premises she began with. Fortunately, 20% was good interpretation that was more honest such as describing the variable outcomes of organizing her diverse students into groups randomly, by communication style, by gender, or by ethnicity. Don't expect the majority of what she writes to be her sharing her observations and discussing the possible significance, however. Instead, she uses particular instances to validate her claims. She argues more than describes. If you're looking for a book where the author tries to make an earnest attempt (essay) at characterizing the difference between men and women talking in the workplace, don't read this and expect JUST that. You get a little bit of that. Most of what you get are the nascent sentiments which embody modern feminism.
There were some moments when I certainly learned something. This is exciting for me. I engaged with a book that challenged my own point of view, made me uncomfortable, and I was able to learn something new by sticking it out and reading it. For example, I now have a better ability to recognize the social ritual of taking either the one-up or one-down position. Also, I acquired a better understanding of the differences in oriental social behavior in comparison to American social behavior. Lastly, I was able to confirm a working hypothesis of mine: if I tried to participate in my workplace social rituals more often, then I would cause problems for myself given the significant differences in my communication styles and my peers. Thankfully the author said not one style is right or wrong in itself.
Before reading the book, please know that the underlying framework the book is based on is power. Women being powerless, or having less power, men imposing their power, society rewarding those with power. Power, power, power. She only explicitly alludes to this briefly a few times, but a conscious eye will see the power tones throughout. If you are somebody who sees the world more often through a lens of competence or emotional needs, then you'll likely by perpetually disappointed to constant references or themes of status, power, superiority, unfairness, and inequities.
It was interesting to see the genesis of today's feminist movement. It was far more moderate than it is today. Men were not as villanized and tradition wasn't as ridiculed. However, the skeleton of the narrative is the same: men and they institutions they have created are abusers of their power at the expense of women. Therefore, it even had a hint of liberal propaganda in it.
Enjoying this book depends entirely on your frame of reference. If you plan on reading this to learn about the raw scientific differences between men and women - wrong book. This book begins with many political premises such as women are "marked", women are vicitims, men are unfair to women, and women face a harder time in general than a man does. Therefore, the science evaluated is about 80% collected and interpreted to verify these initial premises she began with. Fortunately, 20% was good interpretation that was more honest such as describing the variable outcomes of organizing her diverse students into groups randomly, by communication style, by gender, or by ethnicity. Don't expect the majority of what she writes to be her sharing her observations and discussing the possible significance, however. Instead, she uses particular instances to validate her claims. She argues more than describes. If you're looking for a book where the author tries to make an earnest attempt (essay) at characterizing the difference between men and women talking in the workplace, don't read this and expect JUST that. You get a little bit of that. Most of what you get are the nascent sentiments which embody modern feminism.
February 22, 2020
Kind of weak, though for its time period (1994) that was probably appropriate.
It starts off validating that men don't like asking for directions - as the stereotype says - and it even gives a pretty good rationale for it. However, it gives two examples - lost planes running low on fuel and male medical workers being unsure on proper doses - that have potentially lethal consequences, and then it doesn't really honor that level of gravity. It is an interesting book linguistically, but it just ends up being interesting about things that are important, and tries to be sensitive to both sides with gross imbalances.
It starts off validating that men don't like asking for directions - as the stereotype says - and it even gives a pretty good rationale for it. However, it gives two examples - lost planes running low on fuel and male medical workers being unsure on proper doses - that have potentially lethal consequences, and then it doesn't really honor that level of gravity. It is an interesting book linguistically, but it just ends up being interesting about things that are important, and tries to be sensitive to both sides with gross imbalances.
May 30, 2019
I would love this book to give clear guidance on how to talk in an office environment, but instead, one gets tons of information about different conversational styles and how they interact with each other. It´s a great book with a lot of nuances. It changed how I perceive conversations at work. Still, I would love to have a magic answer about how to talk and succeed, but I guess that is just magic.
July 21, 2019
I appreciated all that this book had to offer and thought that Tannen did an especially good job of showing explaining the necessity of the generalizations she was making and the fact that she wasn't making them in order to suggest that anyone change how the communicate. Hers is a project of awareness rather than reform. I'm being slightly harsh with four stars, which I'm ascribing only because it felt to me that this book could have delivered all of the same content in 2/3 the space.
January 16, 2021
I think if this were published (updated?) today, there would be more of an intersectional approach, and one that focuses slightly less on white collar workplaces, but as a woman in a white collar job surrounded primarily by men, it was shockingly relevant. I really appreciated the sociolinguistic analysis of conversation as ritual at work, and I think it'll help me as I consider workplace communications.
November 23, 2018
I'd read Tannen's book about male/female communication styles my senior year of college when taking my "American Dialects" class, and found it quite interesting and informative. This newer book just confirms some of my worst fears that in the business world, women's style of communication is seen as "weak," "indecisive" and "lacking confidence." Definitely worth a read.
January 4, 2020
my last few books for 2019.
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"Tannen diagnoses and labels misleading behaviors that abound in the workplace. She explains that ambiguous behaviors by both genders can hold double meanings that comment on both status and connection: A friend who grabs the check may be flaunting his or her wealth and simultaneously showing generosity. Using first names may exude amiability but suggests a lack of respect. Giving compliments implies holding superior status that enables one to make judgments. Making others wait is a power play, often male."
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This explains a lot of confusing misconceptions at work.
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https://aarifbillah.com/talking-from-...
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"Tannen diagnoses and labels misleading behaviors that abound in the workplace. She explains that ambiguous behaviors by both genders can hold double meanings that comment on both status and connection: A friend who grabs the check may be flaunting his or her wealth and simultaneously showing generosity. Using first names may exude amiability but suggests a lack of respect. Giving compliments implies holding superior status that enables one to make judgments. Making others wait is a power play, often male."
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This explains a lot of confusing misconceptions at work.
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https://aarifbillah.com/talking-from-...
August 28, 2022
Listen to the audiobook version as it cuts out all the case studies and just delivers the facts.
Some of it is outdated -- at least in my experience in the PNW -- but good pointers for women to more effectively communicate.
Some of it is outdated -- at least in my experience in the PNW -- but good pointers for women to more effectively communicate.
September 7, 2018
A good listen and interesting framing about how we talk. I'll probably get a copy of the book to more carefully understand it
November 20, 2018
Excelente visión de las diferencias a la hora de comunicarnos entre hombres y mujeres. Muy bueno
February 24, 2019
Interesting and informative read about differenf communication styles.
May 7, 2021
I grew up elsewhere than in US, and could not stand the indirect communication style common among women. And it’s painful but that communication style difference is so much worse in this country.
May 23, 2021
It was really nice to see the research around the topic of how people communicate based on a variety of factors. It validated so many conversations I've had over the years.
June 25, 2021
Essential reading for anyone working with or within an organization.
July 16, 2021
Great insights for understanding Communication in the Workplace.
March 21, 2022
Very informative! I gained many insights about the talking styles in the workplace!
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