Re-read this Aug 26-27, 2015. Such beautiful writing on every page. And the threads of story woven and interwoven are complex and richly textured. And in addition, the tone is so poetic and lush.
Favorite passages:
There is the understanding that she is no longer here, that it was sudden and irrevocable, but this understanding is one moment spread over a thousand hours, a continuous thought that tries to forget itself. And then, when that fails, to bargain, to change everything, to fall asleep and go back to another point in time.
In her own life, Clara has witnessed acts of selflessness, of empathy, whose motivations she does not doubt. She knows that a single act, a choice, can transform all that came before.
When she first met him more than forty years ago, they had been drawn to one another because of their differences. One the surface, they had been north and south, light and dark. Back then, he had carried a hollow within himself, a grief that he could not share. To each other, they had seemed the way out, the path that leads along the river, finally opening on to the sea.
He remembers the gentleness of his mother's hand in his hair, how when she stepped back from him, the imprint remained, a weight, a memory against his skin.
Inside the crater, no wind blew. Outside, on solid ground, there were strips of shade and light, but in her the light turned strange, almost liquid. there were no plants, nothing that grew. The bottom of the crater curved up like a boat, a hollow in which he and Ani could rest. In here, he, too, became something else, his body so insubstantial it seemed a memory of itself. Only by removing himself completely from the crater, by climbing carefully back over the lip could he become whole once more.
In the decades that followed, he returned only twice, both times thinking that he could find a reason, a person who could bind them together, contain his memories, finally.
X
X
She seemed to want change, within herself, between them, and she believed all things were possible. She said that the past is not static, our memories fold and bend, we change with every step taken into the future.
She believes in the present moment, that a decision made now can shift the balance, the every act realigns the past. Imagine it this way, she had told Matthew. It is like walking across a vast field as the sun rises, burns and slowly falls. The shadows around us change depending on which direction we walk, what steps we choose to take.
He said that in Tawau, those memories had begun to fade. He did not know how such a thing was possible, but the past had become like a book submerged in water, the ink running across the lines, all the detail lost.
She shut her ears to the disbelief in his voice, to her own grief. She told him that they were alike, two pieces of the same puzzle, but in the end, if you laid them down beside each other, you'd see an empty space, the jagged edges. And in this space, she knew there was no oxygen, no relief. It was a place they had made together when they were children. They had filled it with all the things they wanted to forget, a landscape of craters and bodies. She said that their feelings for one another had blinded them to the truth, what lay between them was too far-reaching, too vast. They could not hold it or push it down.
He kisses her, and she knows, somehow, that he is asking for help, for an end to the sadness they are causing one another. Asking because, after all these years together, it is the only thing that might save them.
He and Ani had moved easily between Dutch, English and Indonesian; they had many languages within their reach....He believes that the human body has some other means of communicating, some way that is yet to be categorized by science, or by language itself.
They both had to have the truth between them, to understand what had been lost, to know how to go forward.
The space between them grew, expanding out, until she seemed as insubstantial, as ghostly as the dust in the light. She stepped away, releasing his hand so gently that he almost missed the moment when it slipped from his.
She listened to their voices, this knitting together, felt as if she were balanced within, a soul sheltered between the past and the present.
When they parted, he left as if he would be seeing them again, shaking Wideh's hand, then putting his lips to the boy's hair. She knew that what she and Matthew had shared in childhood had carried them safely through, a net where all other lines had been torn away. All these years, the net had held. His eyes rested on Ani's face. They said goodbye to one another, and then he stepped away from them. She saw what he had given her, the one thing her parents had been unable to do, prepare her for this parting, this letting go.
For a moment, the future comes to her, as vivid and clear as a memory fading. The highway rises onto a plateau, the land falls away.
x
He said to Gail that sometimes the past could not be made right, not every experience could be made to fit. "I left Sandakan believing that I had to push pieces of my life away. I thought the worst thing would be to lose a sense of balance, to fall. This is how it seemed to me. But I was wrong to hold." He hesitated, but something in her expression pushed him to continue. "I never told you how your mother saved me."
So many thing, he thinks, that we carry all our lives, in the hope that what we know will finally redeem us, that we will find something that abides, even now, in the indefinite, the uncertain, hereafter.