Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships

by First Last

Is it possible to form lasting, healthy, loving relationships that are based on power, control and pain? Of course it is -- if you approach it with common sense, care and affection. Respected scene leader Jack Rinella has carefully explored how BDSM relationships fit into the lives of real people of all genders and orientations. From that research, and his own two decades as a an active leatherman, he has assembled this sensible, readable manual about how kinky relationships really work. You'll learn how to decide what you want from a relationship, find partners, distinguish between fantasy and reality, negotiate agreements to accommodate your changing needs and desires, resolve conflicts, and much more.

Genres: BDSM, Sexuality

100 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2003

Reviews

[Pamela Langhorne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Partners doesn't contain much in its early chapters that can't be found with a quick Google query and an evening of earnest research. Rinella uses dictionary definitions to define elementary vocabulary words like "culture" and "protocol," while not defining or explaining some of the less elementary references he uses, such as "The Old Guard" and "Subspace." To a neophyte who selects this lifestyle as something worth trying on—and this book as a good place to start—the reference to The Old Guard is a valuable one, while knowing the American Heritage Dictionary, second college edition, Haughton Mifflin Company, Boston, 1982 definition of kink, is decidedly less so.

In an attempt to include all lifestyle subcultures, he lumps them altogether in a group called "leather." Sometimes leather refers to the BDSM lifestyle as a whole and other times it refers to the leather community, comprised of men and women in leather clubs wearing leather. Confused? I was. The chapter about lifestyle vocabulary contains very little vocabulary. The several Jungian and Kinseyian quotations, do a good lot to defend an individual's choice to live in a BDSM relationship, as well as explain why these desires are not deviant, but after the first few, they are too lengthy, redundant and unnecessary.

That said, there are a few chapters that I found to be invaluable. In Chapter 5, Know Yourself, Rinella is eloquent and insightful as he discusses the effects that an individual's self image has on his or her relationship. In Chapter 9, Monogamy & Polyamory, he asks the difficult questions that everyone should consider before choosing which type of relationship best suits them, while making a fair case for both. He points out several things that may not be so obvious to the outsider. One of these is the fact that kinky relationships must employ the same values and fundamental philosophies as vanilla ones if they are to be working relationships at all, stressing the inevitability of change and the importance of communication.

I would have preferred to bask a bit more in the light of Rinella's tales of his own experiences, as those gems can not be found elsewhere, but I enjoyed them in this book when they were available. Ultimately, Partners In Power is what Rinella set out for it to be, an overview of the community for the novice, valuable ideas for those seeking kinky relationships, advice for those already in relationships and a platform for discussion for those experienced in the lifestyle. While there were question marks and some minor annoyances, there were also some shining moments, the latter made this read engaging and enlightening.

[Jeannie Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is worth reading if this topic is totally new to you, but for my money it was pretty basic, a bit dated, and a touch rambling.

[Nicole Field]

This was a DNF for me a little over 2/3 in after four months of trying to finish. Reasons for this included but were not limited to:

- excessive use of dictionary definitions
- chapters that could have been halved with a good editor
- really slow introductory chapters that lost my interest early on
- far too many long quotes from places outside of himself

Good things about this book, however, were investigations on just how broad the spectrum of kinky people and interests can be. By the middle of this, albeit short, book, we were getting into write ups on the differing types of dynamics one might typically find in the world of BDSM.

Of particular note, I loved the chapter that deep dove into shame and sex in different religions. I found his insight here--as well as his six step process of initial negotiations between new partners--particularly notable and memorable. So it wasn't a wasted attempt to get as far as I did.

If I pick this book up again to try to read it, I will definitely avoid the first half as it was more introductory than was interesting to me personally.