A Good Enough Daughter: A memoir

by Alix Kates Shulman

At twenty, Alix Kates Shulman wrenched herself from her middle-class family and staked a claim to a fierce independence. From her bestselling novel, Memoirs of an Ex-Prom Queen , to her brilliant memoir, Drinking the Rain , she has chronicled what it means to defy the expectations of family and society in order to map one's own life. Now, in this unflinching but tender memoir, she explores what it means to do what is expected of a daughter--discovering in the process the unexpected, complicated joys of going home. Told with the grace, clarity, and insight we have come to expect from her, A Good Enough Daughter is the story of Shulman's difficult journey from dependency to alienation to reconciliation, as she returns home to care for her aging parents in the last years of their lives. The intersection of her own memory with family documents discovered in her parents' house provides the structure for this riveting exploration of her life as a daughter.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Family, Biography, Autobiography, American

280 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Raised in Cleveland, Ohio, Alix attended public schools and planned to be a lawyer like her dad. But in college at Case Western Reserve University she was smitten by philosophy and upon graduation moved to New York City to study philosophy at Columbia grad school. After some years as an encyclopedia editor, she enrolled at New York University, where she took a degree in mathematics, and later, while raising two children, an MA in Humanities.

She became a civil rights activist in 1961 and a feminist activist in 1967, published her first book in 1970, and taught her first class in 1973--all lifelong pursuits that have found their way into her books.

Having explored in her novels the challenges of youth and midlife, in her memoirs she has probed the later stages in the ongoing drama of her generation of women, taking on the terrors and rewards of solitude, of her parents' final years, and of her late-life calling as caregiver to her beloved husband, with whom she lives in New York City.

Reviews

[staykind · Rating 3 out of 5]

an insightful look at relationships with parents, siblings from someone who questioned roles in pre/ early feminist times..

[Jane E · Rating 3 out of 5]

Actually a 3.5, maybe even creeping to the 4.0. Alix Kates Shulman is a very good writer in that what she writes is easy to read even if it is not deeply interesting. In this book she seems to be justifying why she was an ungrateful child who neglected her parents once she reached adulthood - at least that is how it read to me. She seems not to have been quite so awful as she would have you believe but perhaps a little spoiled and entitled. The extended family was not covered in as much depth as I would have liked but as the book's core was her own little nucleus what I wanted and what was essential are not the same thing. In the end it was a good enough book to fill a very long series of international flights and you can't expect too much more than that from a cheap and random selection off a secondhand trolley at the Strand Bookstore in NYC.

[Rosemary · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author left her suburban Cleveland home at age 20 for NYC with scarcely a backward glance as she forged an independent life as a feminist and writer. When her parents had to move to a retirement home they needed her help. This is the story of her return, to getting to know and helping her parents navigate a new world while also remembering her own childhood. The contrast between worlds is a bit of a time warp, for writer and reader, full of nostalgia and frustrations. As the feminist movement stalls today, it is worth reading these timeless struggles of independent women who fought so hard for the life that exhausts us now and still needs so much more. PS call home, even without purpose, just to stay in touch, including your siblings.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I recall reading Drinking the Rain and loving it about 15 years ago. I bought copies for at least 4 friends and my copy has my notes scrawled all over as I pondered my own thoughts triggered by the writing. I expected the same with this book but all I got is a big yawn. It is full of quaint family stories for within family but not for publication. I expected introspection and help to process my own family issues but it never happened. It’s just a banal story like any adult child has experienced, not understanding parents as adults until it’s too late.

[Bonney Teti · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent!!

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

From evidence of this memoir, Shulman was a terrible daughter, at least until she redeemed her self in middle age by taking care of her dying parents. So this is a book to prove that finally she was a good daughter Her parents come out of this looking liking saints. The book does not ring false, Shulman isnt defensive or self-justifying, and her anguish over her parents illnesses and death rings true. Doesn't give much insight into the feminist movement, except in terms of how a young woman both breaks away from her parents and depends on them to save her when she gets in real trouble,and how these parents stuck by her.

[miteypen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a novel idea for a memoir. The author's own life is woven through that of her parents' marriage, old age and deaths. The perspective is that of the daughter she is and covers such topics as how she felt being their daughter, her relationship with her sibling, her desire to leave and stay away from home, and her journey back when she was needed to help her parents make the later transitions of their lives. It is a thoughtful analysis of how one woman was shaped by and made peace with her family of origin.

[Laura Dalton Wilson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'd never heard of this author but I love the memoir genre. From the first chapter I was just annoyed. Pretentiousness and some kind of superiority wafted from all the words. So many words. Some passages seemed an exercise for a class "use as many words you can to describe something without actually saying what it is." I'm sure she is a lovely person and has clearly sold a lot of books, so this is merely my opinion, I didn't care for this book and found it difficult to even skim through it.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a tough book to read b/c it deals with estrangements within a family and then the decline and death of her parents. The author ended up working through her selfishness & competition with her brother and parents but not until the very end of each of their lives. Her parents were wonderful people and they suffered emotionally b/c of her selfishness. It was hard for me to like this author but I think she is very brave for sharing her honesty and regrets.

[KathyJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having faced the rewards and challenges of caring for my own parents in the last years of their lives, I found a good measure of comfort in reading A Good Enough Daughter. The memories and emotions of coping with beloved parents as they succomb steadily to Alzheimers and dementia are still immediate and raw, as are the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Shulman helped me accept that we love well, do the best we are able, and can ask no more of ourselves.

[Margo · Rating 2 out of 5]

After the enduring love affair I've had over the years with Burning Questions and Memoirs of An Ex-Prom Queen I have to say I expected more. More heart, more soul, more humor, in fact, more of a book than this rather dry recapturing of old memories. Not a bad book, just not a really good one, and as such, a disappointment.

[Mary Kinietz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoir of Alex's life - mostly her relationship with her parent. She felt a great need to "escape" from her parents, but ends up coming to peace with their relationship as her parents' health fails and she must sell their home after moving them to a assisted living facility. She explores the house and learns more about her parents, her deceased brother, and herself.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed her writing style and the unique perspective she had on her childhood and what she perceived as her "stolen birthright." At times, it seemed she was really stretching and reading into what I saw as typical family dynamics. But all in all, it was an interesting memoir.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A memoir about the author’s life with her parents and brother, as she reflects on it while selling her parents’ house after they have moved to a nursing home. Poignant, insightful, honest. Enjoyed it.

[Melissa]

Need to get

[Deborah Nunez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely well written in a totally intellectual manner. The story line was so true to the intricacies of family relationships. Sometimes too articulate that I had to stop and reread a sentence.

[Jacqueline Masumian · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a fine memoir about a woman taking care of her elderly parents and reminiscing about her childhood, but it lacks the punch and poignancy of many of the memoirs written today.

[Retta · Rating 5 out of 5]

some of the same issues as Roz Chast. Aging prints, retirement home, altzheimers. But also unrelenting sibling rivalry with her brother.

[Lacey Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The eloquence of Shulman's writing and recollection of how her current life is linked to her seemingly-previous life kept me hooked.