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Please Don't Say You Need Me: Biblical Answers for Codependency
Please Don’t Say You Need Me . . . is a common plea voiced by people trapped in unhealthy, codependent relationships. Confused by their conflicting emotions, they feel trapped between wanting to love and care for someone else and yet, at the same time, needing to escape from that person’s intense and suffocating demands for self-esteem. Jan Silvious offers practical, biblical answers for those dealing with codependency—actually, people-dependency—that can exist between mates, siblings, parents and children, and friends. · Who is the codependent person? · What is a codependent relationship? · What role does guilt play in a codependent relationship? · Can Christians be codependent? Jan Silvious answers these questions and shows readers how to identify and break the cycle of a codependent relationship in a loving, scriptural manner. Here is insight, hope, and encouragement for replacing unhealthy ways of relating with a new approach that can bring balance and wholeness.
159 pages, Paperback
First published August 28, 1989
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96 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
July 1, 2019
A short, helpful book for those who find themselves in unhealthy, codependent relationships. Highly recommended.
August 2, 2022
A extremely solid, well written, gospel centered book. Silvious does such a good job of interweaving stories (examples), describing the background/reasons for codependent relationships, roles we have in it, the destruction resulting from it, but also then the steps to recognize, repent and to change in order to develop healthy relationships. Silvious does a good job to explain the reasons for our codependent tendencies and attachments but also does not use that to justify our own personal sin- each person is responsible for his or her own behavior and she makes it clear we have sinned against God in these codependent relationships by idolizing a person and putting them in place of God. This is not a self-help book for such a thing would be no good especially for one with those relational tendencies; but a book calling one to repentance.
Her examples and tips are specific: she describes four types of relationship: parent-child, marriages, friendship, and work. Whether or not you are struggling with one or all four, we are all needy people and often prone to fall into these codependent relationships.
She gives many great steps and comparisons of how we are to return to healthy relationships with others without denying the pain it might bring at first when we cut it off or leave it as happens with anyone who first leaves sin. She gives practical tips on how we are to distance ourselves whether it be physically or emotionally. She uses much scripture to back her points. In order to return to a right view of those relationships with others; ultimately, it will be through pursuing a right relationship with the Lord and the rest will follow. When we forget Him, we begin to seek elsewhere and that is when these unhealthy and sinful codependent thoughts and actions derive from. When we have Him and find our identity in Him, we will truly begin to appreciate the relationships we have around us. Truly a great read!
Her examples and tips are specific: she describes four types of relationship: parent-child, marriages, friendship, and work. Whether or not you are struggling with one or all four, we are all needy people and often prone to fall into these codependent relationships.
She gives many great steps and comparisons of how we are to return to healthy relationships with others without denying the pain it might bring at first when we cut it off or leave it as happens with anyone who first leaves sin. She gives practical tips on how we are to distance ourselves whether it be physically or emotionally. She uses much scripture to back her points. In order to return to a right view of those relationships with others; ultimately, it will be through pursuing a right relationship with the Lord and the rest will follow. When we forget Him, we begin to seek elsewhere and that is when these unhealthy and sinful codependent thoughts and actions derive from. When we have Him and find our identity in Him, we will truly begin to appreciate the relationships we have around us. Truly a great read!
February 22, 2024
Ugh; DNF. I really wanted to hold on and try to finish this book because there were some truly good bits in the midst of a ton of shaming in the name of God, overgeneralizing, broad assumptions, and condemnation, but I had to stop at the marriage chapter when she started shaming the woman at the well from John 4. The absolute disgust I felt in the author's description of the woman as basically a manipulative whore was the final straw.
Smug doesn't even begin to describe the tone that the author has about this particular woman and any person whose lifestyle she thinks is "unbiblical." If she could have avoided assuming that everyone whose lifestyle she doesn't approve of is codependent and perseverating on it with so many pointless examples, this book might have been good.
A couple of helpful things I took away from what I was able to get through: I found the clear definitions heloful, some level dependency is normal (I haven't really seen that stated so clearly from other sources), we shouldn't try to have "perfect" interactions with toxic people to attempt to create a perfect outcome, and I honestly can't remember what the other one was because it got drowned out from the many things I so strongly disagreed with from the marriage chapter.
Unfortunately, this book is so strongly conservative white evangelical culture war talking point heavy that I don't care to finish it. The shaming of anyone and everyone who isn't straight, married (to a safe person, because married abuse victims are shamed), and living by strict gender roles was just too much. Once you try to say God created women to be subservient to men, you've lost me. That's one interpretation of Scripture and touting it as the only interpretation is lazy and harmful.
I should mention that I listened to the audiobook and perhaps the tone of the narrator contributed to my disgust. If I had a hard copy, I would simply skim past the awful parts, but I don't and I don't feel confident that the last half will be any gentler.
Smug doesn't even begin to describe the tone that the author has about this particular woman and any person whose lifestyle she thinks is "unbiblical." If she could have avoided assuming that everyone whose lifestyle she doesn't approve of is codependent and perseverating on it with so many pointless examples, this book might have been good.
A couple of helpful things I took away from what I was able to get through: I found the clear definitions heloful, some level dependency is normal (I haven't really seen that stated so clearly from other sources), we shouldn't try to have "perfect" interactions with toxic people to attempt to create a perfect outcome, and I honestly can't remember what the other one was because it got drowned out from the many things I so strongly disagreed with from the marriage chapter.
Unfortunately, this book is so strongly conservative white evangelical culture war talking point heavy that I don't care to finish it. The shaming of anyone and everyone who isn't straight, married (to a safe person, because married abuse victims are shamed), and living by strict gender roles was just too much. Once you try to say God created women to be subservient to men, you've lost me. That's one interpretation of Scripture and touting it as the only interpretation is lazy and harmful.
I should mention that I listened to the audiobook and perhaps the tone of the narrator contributed to my disgust. If I had a hard copy, I would simply skim past the awful parts, but I don't and I don't feel confident that the last half will be any gentler.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 26, 2024
Personally, I love this book. Silvious does a wonderful job giving such a balanced perspective of "clinical" terms and scripture. It shares the information directly, and also shares clear examples without being too technical. She also writes clear expectations of how to remove yourself from those situations, be it by boundary or leaving. It's such an easy read, I'd recommend it without hesitation.
How often we become codependent as Christians because we think we're responding to the call of being united in body and mind, but it's often riddled with secret desires and an incorrect view of what love and unity looks like. This can be said for church relationships, family, spouses, friends, etc. as indicated by Silvious. I think it's, in some ways, a difficult pill to swallow for believers when we're faced with how much we idolize our people rather than looking to our Lord for completion and sanctification.
How often we become codependent as Christians because we think we're responding to the call of being united in body and mind, but it's often riddled with secret desires and an incorrect view of what love and unity looks like. This can be said for church relationships, family, spouses, friends, etc. as indicated by Silvious. I think it's, in some ways, a difficult pill to swallow for believers when we're faced with how much we idolize our people rather than looking to our Lord for completion and sanctification.
February 1, 2021
Though the “Please Don’t Say You Need Me” part of the title gave an initial feel to the book that I didn’t care for (and didn’t quite fit the spirit of it, in my opinion), this is the best, most succinct book on codependency I’ve read. It addresses this very common part of the human condition from a solid biblical worldview. Because it is so gospel-focused, it shines a light on darkness, while offering very real hope and encouragement. I will read this again.
December 15, 2022
Generally helpful… there are some areas that are not so black and white as the author makes it out to be. Left me with questions. Helpful to reevaluate relationships and examine idolatry in your heart.
October 12, 2021
Short book, packed with wisdom.
December 31, 2022
I have read this book several times. Highly impactful and deep. A small book that packs a punch.
June 28, 2024
This book changed my life!
August 6, 2025
Great insights. Will be able to use parts of it for lessons for women at an addiction rehab house.
April 18, 2020
Helpful, insightful book.
February 23, 2015
This book is beneficial in so many ways. Talk about putting emotions and feelings into well spoken words and helping a person to digest them! This is one of those books that you could randomly pass out to strangers and be assured that they'd glean insight and help in some area of their life. Factual, biblical and focused!
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August 5, 2013
This book was a life changer. I recommend it to everyone that I see or come in contact with.
July 18, 2014
This is an very good read. It was enlightening and had a great balance of spirituality and social psychology, content wise.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews