Growing Up Dead: The Hallucinated Confessions of a Teenage Deadhead

by Peter Conners

Told against the backdrop of the American landscape of the late '80s to the mid-'90s, Growing Up Dead is the story of Peter Conners's journey from straight-laced suburban kid to touring Deadhead. Peter discovered the Grateful Dead in 1985, at the age of 15, through friends who exchanged bootleg tapes of live Grateful Dead concerts. A teenager living in the suburbs of Rochester, New York, he became exposed to an entirely new way of life, and friends who were enjoying more freedom and less parental guidance. At the age of 16, he attended his first Grateful Dead concert on June 30, 1987 - he was hooked. Between 1987 and 1995, Conners would attend Dead 'shows' all over the United States. He traveled with a makeshift 'family' of other Deadheads in a Volkswagen camper, selling drugs and whatever else would provide gas money to the next concert. His hair was a wild, unkempt bush and baths were infrequent. In short, he had progressed from suburban kid, to Grateful Dead fan, to full-blown Deadhead. Chronicling this progression, which culminates with the 1995 death of Jerry Garcia, Conners reveals the truth behind Deadhead culture and history. The result is a riveting insight into the obsessive fandom that made The Grateful Dead the most successful touring band of all time, as well as a cultural phenomenon.

Genres: Music, Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography Memoir, Cultural, Biography, Adult

274 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

In the mid-80s, Peter Conners submerged into a life of writing, music, and exploration, and he hasn’t looked back since. He has published nine books of nonfiction, fiction, and poetry, and edited dozens of volumes of poetry and prose. His nonfiction books – Cornell ‘77, Growing Up Dead, JAMerica, and White Hand Society — have garnered him a reputation as a leading chronicler of the Grateful Dead, jam band, and countercultural community.

Conners regularly gives readings and lectures at universities, conferences, bookstores, art galleries, and on panels related to music, counterculture, poetry, fiction, and editing. His books have received reviews in such places as Rolling Stone, Vice, Library Journal, Penthouse, Publishers Weekly, Kirkus, The Onion, and the New York Post. The San Francisco Chronicle noted that “Conners writes like a poet and researches like a scholar,” and NPR Books likened his writing to “…the way music sounds when your surrender has no limit.”

Reviews

[Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the cover and title this seems like it would be terrible times ten. But not at all. It's about as good as a memoir about being a kind crunchy tour-head brother could be. It's flowing, insightful, self-aware, nicely structured, not at all hippy dippy and sunshine daydream/idiotic. Last summer, I loved the author's book about the famous 5/8/77 show at Cornell's Barton Hall and so thought I'd give this a try. Loved just about every bit of it -- it fully evokes the experience of going to shows in the late '80s as a white suburban teen searching for the sound (I'm two years younger than the author). Loved some of the details I'd forgotten, particularly the Rainbow Family and the calls of "Six Up!" when cops were near -- immediately upon reading and remembering it I was teleported to parking lots outside Dead and JGB shows at JFK, RFK, Giants Stadium, Rich Stadium, Shoreline, Cal Expo, Buckeye Lake, The Spectrum, Richfield Coliseum, Buffalo Memorial Auditorium, and a hockey rink (Community War Memorial Auditorium) in the author's hometown of Rochester (a fall '93 JGB show, still one of the top concerts of my life). Loved that he's open about how he supported himself on tour. Loved the bit about transitioning away from the band as the scene went downhill and other bands emerged (I saw Phish a lot in small venues in the early '90s too) -- and loved the last chapter, seeing a Dead cover band as a middle-aged adult and recognizing how the music is now free among the people. Although some of the parts about his high school experience (the trestle) I wasn't into as much (4.5 stars rounded up), this is highly recommended summer-reading if you've got a notion (loved the subtle integration of lyrics throughout too). If you're not a fan of the band, I can't imagine you'd read this unless you were into cult memoirs or late-20th century American nondenominational religious experiences or psychedelics or deep into memoirs by fans of bands (do others even exist?). Reading about The Dead has become my light beach-reading -- so easy and enjoyable and evocative of lost time. I'll probably read the Garcia bio this summer.

[Rachelle Davies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Let me start off by saying that I am not a fan of the Grateful Dead. Its not that I don't like them, I just haven't really ever listened to them enough to give them a chance.

So why read this book? I took a class in college called "Music History and Culture," and it was the most enthralling class of my life. Originally, I took the class as a way to obtain my history credit without having to re-listen to the same stuff I ignored in high school. What I got though, was transported back in time through the music of the 1920s to the 1990s. The way musicians influenced eachother and their affect on our society astonished me. Especially during the times when bands like the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd were at their peak, because their music was more "real" to listeners.

This class was why I picked up this book. Not just for the pretty rainbow design on the cover, but for a chance to step back into Fred Forney's classroom and learn a bit more about the beatnik era and the lifestyle that my professor himself had lived.

Peter Connors did a wonderful job pulling me into the lifestyle of a Deadhead. He gives you a first class ticket to a ride on the Grateful Dead bus. By setting alot of his experiences in first person, it really made me feel a part of the experience.

The only thing I didn't like about the book is that he tended to jump time alot and I got confused on dates and what was going on with their lives. Other than that, this book is fantastic and I recommend it to anyone interested in music or that time period at all. Its a great part of music history and ties in the U.S. events going on as well.

"You're either on the bus, or you're off the bus."

[Ella Mae · Rating 2 out of 5]

Immediately the cover made me cringe and the title threw me off but I love the dead and I love books so I thought no harm in giving it a read. This book is lovely in the ways that it transports you into a scene any deadhead knows well of parking lots, acid trips, and bumming it on the road. Interspersed with treasures of grateful dead history this book was interesting to read as a first hand account of certain events. I will say that this book was a very easy read and I don’t think Conner’s writing is anything special. In this book Conner blatantly recounts how he barely finishes high school, drops out of multiple colleges, and steadily carries C level grades. This is not to say that an education can’t be found in places outside of the classroom, however I think in this specific case Conner’s book structure and literary worth could have benefited from more academic knowledge on his part. 

I found that this book was mostly an overly reminiscent narrative on what seemed to be the peak of this middle class suburban man’s life, a place where he felt included for the first time in his life. Conner talks a lot about how seeing the dead was intensely powerful and important but doesn’t try hard to dig much into that feeling of why it is just so significant. He regards the beats as literary inspirations but fails to tap, even slightly, into the depths of purpose and life that they write about. While this book was simple it was also enjoyable to read about a scene and community so dear to heart.

[Coquille Fleur · Rating 4 out of 5]

You know a book is going to be good when it's been stolen from your public library already. Probably better that I went out and bought this anyway. Growing up Dead didn't disappoint. The only reason I gave it 4 stars is that I'm picky about memoirs and I feel like Conners could have pulled us a little deeper into the scene on a narrative level. The use of 2nd person in the more personal passages is one reason I felt this way. That said, this book absolutely tells the truth about life on Dead Tour in the late 80's early 90's and hit on all the points I wanted it to as a girl that dropped out of college after 3 weeks on the flip of a coin to go on Dead Tour in 1990. My favorite part of this story is when he first starts hearing the songs speaking to him and finds the magic in dancing at the shows. That was really what it was all about. I probably hung out with this dude at some point on the golden road, danced next to him, or bought a grilled cheese sandwich from him after the show. Conners shows the East Coast tour kid prospective quite well and it's fascinating how he ended up back in his hometown as an adult. My story ends up completely opposite in that way, yet I could relate to his experience all the way from hanging out on a trestle in high school to jumping on the circus train of tour and life after Jerry. This is a great book for all of us who are still jonesin' for Jerry.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really didn't think much of this book, I basically got this book as I was waiting for another book to come into the library. My expectation was a quick read, nothing too serious. To my surprise this book captured feelings I haven't experienced in almost 20 years. The author totally captured the "Dead" scene I was part of along the East Coast in the late 80's/early 90's. I have never been able to articulate, to strangers, the energy, vibe, buzz when the "Dead" came to town. If you weren't there, you'd never understand. This book comes as close as possible to describing that "energy".

Maybe my kids, when they are older, will read it and perhaps understand my sly smile when I talk about the good old days of the "Grateful Dead".

Quick and fun book to read.

[Jessica Bilodeaux · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really don't know where to start with this. I felt like I stepped into a time machine and entered my life in 1995. I felt everything this author described- I experienced it, I danced to it, I lived it. This book is so close to my heart and more than relates to what I was able to have the glorious experience of all those years ago for those special years. The memories came flying and floating back. I thank the author for doing this for me. I did not want this book to end. It was also great fun that the author grew up in and described my hometown throughout the book.

[Avery Stempel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy shit. That last page was probably the most beautifully poignant portion of a book I have ever read. "You have been to them all in your ears." "The music is back where it belongs. The music is with us." God damn. Beautiful. What a wrap up. Perfect. If you like live music, if you like the Grateful Dead, if you like tripping your nuts off and dancing through the morning dew, read this book. It puts you there. Twirls you around. Sets you off through the crowd of strangers all feeling the same way. Read it.

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but I imagine I am slightly biased, based on the subject matter. I think someone who has not experienced this lifestyle would still enjoy it, but not exactly "get it" the way a Deadhead does. The author expressed much of what many deadheads experienced but couldn't quite put into words. It's an honest, open glimpse into the lifestyle during the 80's and 90's, and definitely left me feeling nostalgic.

[Isaac · Rating 3 out of 5]

A great slice of life of a scene I didn't know much about. My one gripe was the author's tendency to cover tons of historical ground in his own life really quickly in a very romanticized way.

I appreciated the ending--how he connected what bands and ways of life the GD segued into.

[Corin]

Well done.

[katie luisa borgesius · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun but largely unremarkable. Very short. Doesn't provide much insight into the Dead or the deadhead scene.

[Hollie Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Conners truly nails this Memoir. It's really hard to get the experience of being a Deadhead down eloquently, interestingly, appropriately, and honestly. He did it.

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot better than I was expecting. This could have easily been a run 0f the mill teenage stoner memoir but it goes deeper. There is plenty of drug use and teenage slacker mentality, but the author does paint a pretty good picture of the late 80's Dead touring scene, and offers some history of the band and the hippie/deadhead culture. More importantly, he includes some candid personal memoirs to flesh out his character and explain how he was drawn into the touring scene. I found some of his comments quite interesting, such as his theory that many white suburban kids from broken or unsatisfactory home lives were drawn to the community, even suggesting that they looked upon Garcia as a father figure.

There are several memoirs out there written by folks much closer to the band. It was refreshing to read one by of the regular deadheads, just a guy out dancing out in the aisles, who turned out to be a good writer.

[Jeff Fabrizio · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very insightful look on the goings-on during the latter part of the Grateful Dead's touring days from a road warrior who is just a couple of years older than I am. I enjoyed reading about his travels, and wondered what it would have been like to have followed the band in those days. Though the author and I are from the same geographical area of the country, the experiences he went through were quite different than my own, since I wasn't "on the bus" at the time, having only traded a couple of tapes and listened to commercial releases until I left for Alaska in the early 1990s. By the time I had returned, Jerry was gone and so were my hopes of seeing the band. But, this offered a nice glance into what could have been. Well done, Mr. Conners. A good read.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Peter does a great job of pulling back the curtain, or maybe more appropriately giving a backstage pass into the Deadhead culture and his experiences following the band. As someone who followed a band about in my college years, I can relate to his passion and the love of music. That love and passion for the Dead, his road family, comes through like a wall of sound. I’ve long had a curiosity about the “scene,” and this book provided a glimpse into Deadhead subculture.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grew up in upstate NY and recollect many of the venues and towns in this book. I recollect a friend's sister who followed the Dead & had a glimmer of how important the music & scene was was to certain people I met in college. Although those weren't choices I would make in life, reading this and looking back through the lens of Peter's experience was cool & bittersweet.

[Jon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really cool read. I was really skeptical going in, the cover art and title were a little too on the nose for me. But I read and enjoyed Conners book on the famous Cornell '77 Dead show, so I went in with an open mind. I'm glad I did, it was really nice to hear his personal take and reflections on touring with the band during their rough late 80s and early 90s years.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fast Read

This was a quick and easy read. Factually, there was nothing in it I hadn’t read before, but enjoyed hearing the author’s experience on Tour. It definitely brought me back to times when life was simpler and my main goal was just to see a show.

[Amber West · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous retelling of an average Joe's long ago following of the Grateful Dead.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could totally relate to this book. I grew up in a nearby town and also followed the dead a few years later than the author. He is a wonderful writer and told a great story.

[Daniel Skolovy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wished it was a little more dead tour and a little less biography.

[Dakota Estep · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book about the dead

[Mane Cordero · Rating 2 out of 5]

Growing Up Dead: The Hallucinated Confessions of a Teenage deadhead is an autobiography about Peter Conners. As obvious from the title the book focuses on his youth years. He is a 16 years old sub cultured hippie other wise known as a "deadhead" living in the 80's and 90's. Throughout his book he recalls following a band called "The Grateful Dead" on tour across America, a band he is forever grateful to. Following this band has brought him some of the gratest moments of his life listening to a band he loves, hanging out with friends he considers family, living life on the road as a deadhead, and not to mention doing this all while doped up on psychedelics of sorts. Despite this, he eventually realizes that the dead scene is fading and he has to move on with his life into adulthood. I consider this book mildly entertaining, but still enough to keep me reading all the way through. The thing that caught my attention was the psychedelic display on the cover which, often means drugs are used and discussed throughout the book. Aside from the drug use another reason that kept me somewhat interested was his lifestyle because he revolved his life around only things that he liked and charished in this world. Such as, the music, friends, family, and the freedom of always being on the road...

[Jason Roth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book filled me with nostalgia for the gone but not forgotten, incredible, magical, carnival that was the Grateful Dead show. Filled with funny and entertaining stories, quips, lessons throughout made for a very quick read. One of the best explanations of what its like to be a deadhead and how life altering it can be, including his apt depiction of the entire Grateful Dead “show” as opposed to just a concert. Additionally, kudos to Conners for his kind writing about Brent Mydland and his opinion of the importance of Brent’s contribution to the band and the devastation of his death.

As skilled and passionate as Peter Conners is writing about the subject, I still believe that it is nearly impossible to convince the depth of this passion and joy of the Grateful Dead experience to those who never experienced it. Roughly quoting the late great Bill Graham, the Grateful Dead truly were the only band to do what they did. As a sad consequence, as every deadhead knows, there will never be another Grateful Dead show. All that’s left are the memories (of which I can gratefully say I’ve had a few) and all of those brilliant recordings.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

First of all, one does not have to be a Deadhead to get something out of this book. Dare I say you might even get even more out of Conners' whimsical prose then someone who already has a definite opinion of the Grateful Dead. Conners provides just enough history and background of the band that anyone can understand and enjoy the psychedelic road trip.
While the story is rambling in places, it fits the tone of the memoir and of the Dead's legacy. This book is creative, funky, and a very worth while read. If you're a hippie at heart, the journey will have you steeped in nostalgia and brotherly...er, sisterly love. And if you don't feel a connection with Dead culture, you will by the time you finish the last chapter.
Mr. Conners, those writing classes were well worth your while. And I suppose all those concerts weren't a waste either...!

[David Ward · Rating 4 out of 5]

Growing Up Dead: The Hallucinated Confessions of a Teenage Deadhead by Peter Conners (Da Capo Press 2009) (780.92) is the story of the author's travels for a brief period on tour with the Grateful Dead late in the band's career. It's also the story of an underachieving misfit and his search for acceptance in the world. The author manages to convey some of the sense of acceptance and camaraderie that existed in the Dead community. He even found a way to describe the bliss that the best moments of the Grateful Dead concerts could conjure. As one who had to have been at some of the same shows as the author, his words ring true. My rating: 7/10, finished 1/28/14.

[Simon Robs · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well it is 4/20 after all now innit? "Bill Monroe - one of Jerry's bluegrass idols - once said that his audience was 'people who get up every morning and make biscuits.' Jerry Garcia could easily have said his audience was 'people who get up every afternoon and take bong hits'." And so goes this (how memory?) reminisce of hitting the road with the Dead young and carefree but still learning how to be a proper Deadhead. He, his crew do that and many shows and years on it, the it of it, being and time can madeleine with the first hint of a Phil bass line Jerry ping they're off! It's all groovy man.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a Deadhead who saw only West Coast shows from 1987-1995, the perspective of an East-Coaster during the same time period is pretty cool. There's a lot of good stuff here... nice details, good descriptions. However, my favorite bit is when he's learning the details of Jerry Garcia's death entirely on the phone (because there was no ubiquitous internet back then, he says), which is funny, because I did get most of my information from the internet... but then, I was in California in 1995. Now that's trippy.

[Jim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked it up because I'm a Dead fan, and others have commented well on the content.
What I really liked about this book was the writing style. I found it flowed along at just the right pace for me, and captivated my attention throughout. I was always eager for what would come next, and felt as though I had "entered his headspace" from early on. Something about it just clicked, but I have no way of knowing if the book would have a broad general appeal because it would affect a wide audience in the same manner - or if it's just me.

[Misty]

A fun read. His experience was totally different from mine, which is of course why I read this book. I don't think he should have gone into the histories of the band, etc. That part of the story has already been covered in much better books. I think an '80's deadhead is pretty presumtuous explaining that anyway.

I enjoyed the simpler descriptions of Dead culture, it brought up a lot of memories. Deadheads are like no other humans on this planet. :)