What do you think?
Rate this book
Here's What We'll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy
Reichen Lehmkuhl was playing the role of his life while in the Air Force. Not wanting to face a court martial for being gay, he had to live in a world where he had to watch everything he did and said for fear of being outed; and in another world where he was free to be himself. “One of the hardest things for me to reconcile was the fact that I was completely open with my family and friends but faced the very real possibility of being court martialed and going to jail if I was open with my 'work' colleagues.” As Reichen explains, “The don’t ask don’t tell policy is so contradictory to what the Air Force and all the armed forces stand for ... but they force you to lie in order to serve your country.” It was the contradictions which led Reichen to leave the Air Force once he completed his commitment.
Happenstance brought Reichen to meet a friend at a Los Angeles restaurant where he was approached by the casting director for “The Amazing Race.” Reichen believes his military training was extremely helpful in his winning the show’s million dollar prize.
Happenstance brought Reichen to meet a friend at a Los Angeles restaurant where he was approached by the casting director for “The Amazing Race.” Reichen believes his military training was extremely helpful in his winning the show’s million dollar prize.
368 pages, Hardcover
First published September 26, 2006
7 people are currently reading
59 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
December 5, 2021
This is both a fascinating book and a maddening book. I read it in 2016 and against in 2021. I thought I admired Reichen after watching him on a few TV shows. But there is no reason to admire him after reading this 340-page manipulative rant that is an incomplete story of his life.
Let's start with the fact that much of it is fictionalized, as he tells us on his first page. He even writes, "Some of the events in the final chapters of this book that are portrayed as having happened to me actually happened to others." HUH? So while he claims it's "true to life" it's not true to facts and is not an accurate autobiography. That means we can't believe anything he writes in it.
BTW, those last couple chapters are about another gay cadet who attempts to take his own life after hearing that his Air Force Academy lover has been exposed and disappears from school in his senior year. This is something to fictionalize and present as part of the author's own life??? What kind of guy does that? It was a cheap attempt to end the book with something emotional and to drive home the very leftist political viewpoint that Lehmkuhl makes throughout the book. It also showed how low Lehmkuhl can lie in order to try to make a political statement.
Another problem is that it's way, way too long because he feels the need to spend dozens of pages preaching at the reader. He gives us very little credit and only makes himself look stupid by continually stating simplistic concepts over and over. We get it--you're gay, you hate the anti-gay military rules, and hate people who calls themselves Christian.
His political, moral, and scientific viewpoints are laughable--claiming 10% of the population is gay and that you're that way from birth. Like I said, you can't believe anything he says and it's presented as one sided while hating anything others believe. Very intolerant and bigoted for a guy who claims to promote love and tolerance.
The book doesn't even mention anything sexual until about page 180, and it is not about a raunchy wild young adult. He doesn't do anything physical with anyone until he is at the Air Force Academy, and he does have numerous relationships with women (including sex). He never really addresses the issue head-on and doesn't even really question whether he might be gay until a couple years into the Academy. Even when he decides he wants men he hooks up with women and lives with women, so he seems a bit confused to the end.
The author does very little self-analysis and the book is extremely incomplete. It ends in 1996 with his graduation but it was published in 2006. So what happened in the missing ten years? Well, that's summarized in two pages. No details about his life after the Academy or about The Amazing Race or about his marriage to a man who he later broke up with. This seems very evasive and Reichen never appears to be at peace. He wants us all to accept him and loves to blame Christians and society for his problems, yet he hasn't really accepted himself or understands who he really is.
Then there's the issue of him being a non-stop liar and total hypocrite. He's not just a small-time liar but a liar to the point that he organized a group of over 50 at the Air Force Academy who snuck into an underground tunnel (against the rules) and had regular gay meetings to plot how they would coordinate their lies, breaking the code they all agreed to follow. He didn't just lie, he led dozens of others in plotting lies against leaders and fellow cadets, and he personally appears to be responsible for the destruction of a couple of military careers. This is the lowest form of betrayal. He tries to use the book to make us feel sorry that he can't express his true feelings of love to another man--yet he could, but he refused to take the consequences like a man or just quit the academy with integrity. It was always his choice, it was never due to direct pressure from anyone else that would force him. This is the failure of so many in the gay movement, to accept the consequences of their own choices instead of blaming everyone else.
Reichen is worse than any person he complains about in the book. He is worse than his anti-gay military leaders because at least they stand up for what they believe in yet he didn't. He is worse than the Christians that he criticizes as being judgmental and hypocritical, because judges virtually everyone without knowing them, condemning anyone who claims to be Christian without even understanding the simple basics of the faith. He is a complete hypocrite in how he lived his life yet tries to deflect the attention away from his own faults by making stereotyped comments about those he never takes the time to get to know or understand. His complete condemnation of anything Christian is disturbing and unjust.
Is the book worth reading? Parts of it were and I read it twice. I already had read other books about the military ban on gays and how the crazy training goes so that wasn't the interesting part. Instead it was fascinating to see how the warped mind works in a person who looks in all the wrong places for getting his physical and emotional needs met, and how he lies repeatedly in order to get it. He will claim he "had" to lie in order to deal with an unfair military or a society that was anti-gay; in truth he comes across as mentally disturbed and unable to face his own realities by standing up and being the man he claims to be.
Let's start with the fact that much of it is fictionalized, as he tells us on his first page. He even writes, "Some of the events in the final chapters of this book that are portrayed as having happened to me actually happened to others." HUH? So while he claims it's "true to life" it's not true to facts and is not an accurate autobiography. That means we can't believe anything he writes in it.
BTW, those last couple chapters are about another gay cadet who attempts to take his own life after hearing that his Air Force Academy lover has been exposed and disappears from school in his senior year. This is something to fictionalize and present as part of the author's own life??? What kind of guy does that? It was a cheap attempt to end the book with something emotional and to drive home the very leftist political viewpoint that Lehmkuhl makes throughout the book. It also showed how low Lehmkuhl can lie in order to try to make a political statement.
Another problem is that it's way, way too long because he feels the need to spend dozens of pages preaching at the reader. He gives us very little credit and only makes himself look stupid by continually stating simplistic concepts over and over. We get it--you're gay, you hate the anti-gay military rules, and hate people who calls themselves Christian.
His political, moral, and scientific viewpoints are laughable--claiming 10% of the population is gay and that you're that way from birth. Like I said, you can't believe anything he says and it's presented as one sided while hating anything others believe. Very intolerant and bigoted for a guy who claims to promote love and tolerance.
The book doesn't even mention anything sexual until about page 180, and it is not about a raunchy wild young adult. He doesn't do anything physical with anyone until he is at the Air Force Academy, and he does have numerous relationships with women (including sex). He never really addresses the issue head-on and doesn't even really question whether he might be gay until a couple years into the Academy. Even when he decides he wants men he hooks up with women and lives with women, so he seems a bit confused to the end.
The author does very little self-analysis and the book is extremely incomplete. It ends in 1996 with his graduation but it was published in 2006. So what happened in the missing ten years? Well, that's summarized in two pages. No details about his life after the Academy or about The Amazing Race or about his marriage to a man who he later broke up with. This seems very evasive and Reichen never appears to be at peace. He wants us all to accept him and loves to blame Christians and society for his problems, yet he hasn't really accepted himself or understands who he really is.
Then there's the issue of him being a non-stop liar and total hypocrite. He's not just a small-time liar but a liar to the point that he organized a group of over 50 at the Air Force Academy who snuck into an underground tunnel (against the rules) and had regular gay meetings to plot how they would coordinate their lies, breaking the code they all agreed to follow. He didn't just lie, he led dozens of others in plotting lies against leaders and fellow cadets, and he personally appears to be responsible for the destruction of a couple of military careers. This is the lowest form of betrayal. He tries to use the book to make us feel sorry that he can't express his true feelings of love to another man--yet he could, but he refused to take the consequences like a man or just quit the academy with integrity. It was always his choice, it was never due to direct pressure from anyone else that would force him. This is the failure of so many in the gay movement, to accept the consequences of their own choices instead of blaming everyone else.
Reichen is worse than any person he complains about in the book. He is worse than his anti-gay military leaders because at least they stand up for what they believe in yet he didn't. He is worse than the Christians that he criticizes as being judgmental and hypocritical, because judges virtually everyone without knowing them, condemning anyone who claims to be Christian without even understanding the simple basics of the faith. He is a complete hypocrite in how he lived his life yet tries to deflect the attention away from his own faults by making stereotyped comments about those he never takes the time to get to know or understand. His complete condemnation of anything Christian is disturbing and unjust.
Is the book worth reading? Parts of it were and I read it twice. I already had read other books about the military ban on gays and how the crazy training goes so that wasn't the interesting part. Instead it was fascinating to see how the warped mind works in a person who looks in all the wrong places for getting his physical and emotional needs met, and how he lies repeatedly in order to get it. He will claim he "had" to lie in order to deal with an unfair military or a society that was anti-gay; in truth he comes across as mentally disturbed and unable to face his own realities by standing up and being the man he claims to be.
November 9, 2009
This book was life-changing. While reading I felt like some of the author's sentiments were my very own. Looking at particular sentences I was asking myself "Didn't I write this at some point?!" It is a very touching and poignant memoir and I recommend it to anyone who has ever had to deal with feelings of not belonging to the world around them while growing up, and not being accepted for who you are.
December 13, 2007
His life is so boring!!!
May 15, 2017
While there are some interesting stories here about being in the military in the age of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I don't think that Lehmkuhl is a very good writer. The prose is exceedingly basic, and he seems to be willing to shift responsibility for many of the things he's encountered in his life to other people.
February 1, 2011
Gerry B's Book Reviews - http://www.gerrycan.wordpress.com
Given the current debate regarding the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy, Here’s What We’ll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy” by Reichen Lehmkuhl [Da Capo Press, 2007] is a timely topic. Regretfully those that need to read it most—the religious fundamentalists and dogmatic, small-c conservatives–will probably never see it.
Lehmkuhl’s story relates his troubled childhood; the breakup of his parents’ marriage, the feeling of not being wanted, and the psychological impact of all this. His feelings of inadequacy are also exacerbated by the stigma of living in a trailer park—i.e. the perception of being “trailer trash.” However, apart from being Lehmkuhl’s own story there is nothing unique about this. Nor is there anything about it that would necessarily be deleterious to a person’s later life. Therefore, I question the author’s choice of devoting 50% of the book to the telling of it when a quarter of the 368 pages would have said it all quite nicely.
Fortunately the second 50% somewhat redeems the prosaic first part, and finally gets down to the business of his coming out and the U.S. Air Force Academy, as stated in the title.
Although I was vaguely familiar with the discipline of a military academy, the pseudo-sadistic hazing rituals, etc., Lehmkuhl’s intimate knowledge of such has revealed much I didn’t know. For example, I knew nothing about the demeaning practice of running the “strip” [see photo to the left], which Basic Recruits are required to do between classes, or the memorizing of meaningless passages for the sake of being able to spout them on demand. It all seems rather mindless, but it is something that has worked to develop men for decades, and in the case of Westpoint Military Academy has worked since the time of Thomas Jefferson.
More odious is the systematic scourging of homosexuals at the official level; a point that ’Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ doesn’t address. This umbrella approach does not preclude being investigated or ‘outed’ by someone else. It also doesn’t preclude significant numbers of raunchy, virile young lads from indulging in ‘extra-curricular activities’ in spite of the risk.
To counteract this ever-present risk, Lemhkuhl describes how he founded an ad hoc brother and sisterhood, referred to as the “family,” which operated on the pragmatic basis of you lie and we’ll all swear to it, in order to protect one anothers’ asses. While one might argue the ethics of such a principle, Lemhkuhl makes a compelling argument for its validation on the basis of counteracting an even greater injustice.
Overall I found this story to be a worthwhile read on account of its look behind the anachronism of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy. Three and one-half stars.
Given the current debate regarding the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy, Here’s What We’ll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy” by Reichen Lehmkuhl [Da Capo Press, 2007] is a timely topic. Regretfully those that need to read it most—the religious fundamentalists and dogmatic, small-c conservatives–will probably never see it.
Lehmkuhl’s story relates his troubled childhood; the breakup of his parents’ marriage, the feeling of not being wanted, and the psychological impact of all this. His feelings of inadequacy are also exacerbated by the stigma of living in a trailer park—i.e. the perception of being “trailer trash.” However, apart from being Lehmkuhl’s own story there is nothing unique about this. Nor is there anything about it that would necessarily be deleterious to a person’s later life. Therefore, I question the author’s choice of devoting 50% of the book to the telling of it when a quarter of the 368 pages would have said it all quite nicely.
Fortunately the second 50% somewhat redeems the prosaic first part, and finally gets down to the business of his coming out and the U.S. Air Force Academy, as stated in the title.
Although I was vaguely familiar with the discipline of a military academy, the pseudo-sadistic hazing rituals, etc., Lehmkuhl’s intimate knowledge of such has revealed much I didn’t know. For example, I knew nothing about the demeaning practice of running the “strip” [see photo to the left], which Basic Recruits are required to do between classes, or the memorizing of meaningless passages for the sake of being able to spout them on demand. It all seems rather mindless, but it is something that has worked to develop men for decades, and in the case of Westpoint Military Academy has worked since the time of Thomas Jefferson.
More odious is the systematic scourging of homosexuals at the official level; a point that ’Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ doesn’t address. This umbrella approach does not preclude being investigated or ‘outed’ by someone else. It also doesn’t preclude significant numbers of raunchy, virile young lads from indulging in ‘extra-curricular activities’ in spite of the risk.
To counteract this ever-present risk, Lemhkuhl describes how he founded an ad hoc brother and sisterhood, referred to as the “family,” which operated on the pragmatic basis of you lie and we’ll all swear to it, in order to protect one anothers’ asses. While one might argue the ethics of such a principle, Lemhkuhl makes a compelling argument for its validation on the basis of counteracting an even greater injustice.
Overall I found this story to be a worthwhile read on account of its look behind the anachronism of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy. Three and one-half stars.
February 17, 2010
I liked some parts of this book. The life of a cadet at the USAFA is interesting to me, but this book could have been so much better if Reichen Lehmkuhl would have done 3 things…
1) Quit whining about having to grow up in a mobile home. Some people don’t have a home so be happy you had one and shut up about it!
2) Better editing. I don’t know if he had someone who doesn’t know military terms edit this book or if he just never paid attention during his years in the academy and Air Force. For example many times he refers to the push-up position as front LEADING rest, the correct term is front LEANING rest. There are other mistakes as well but this one jumped off the page every time I saw it.
3) Leave out some of the intimate details we don’t need to know such as what went on sexually between him and his partners. I prefer it when he was vague such as “X and I got it on together.”
I find it fascinating that there were (and still are) gay cadets at our country’s military academies who have to balance the honor code with the DADT policy. I wish Reichen had dug deeper regarding his logic behind justifying the lies to cover up being gay in the military.
I would not recommend spending your money on this book. Get it from the library if you want to read it.
1) Quit whining about having to grow up in a mobile home. Some people don’t have a home so be happy you had one and shut up about it!
2) Better editing. I don’t know if he had someone who doesn’t know military terms edit this book or if he just never paid attention during his years in the academy and Air Force. For example many times he refers to the push-up position as front LEADING rest, the correct term is front LEANING rest. There are other mistakes as well but this one jumped off the page every time I saw it.
3) Leave out some of the intimate details we don’t need to know such as what went on sexually between him and his partners. I prefer it when he was vague such as “X and I got it on together.”
I find it fascinating that there were (and still are) gay cadets at our country’s military academies who have to balance the honor code with the DADT policy. I wish Reichen had dug deeper regarding his logic behind justifying the lies to cover up being gay in the military.
I would not recommend spending your money on this book. Get it from the library if you want to read it.
May 7, 2009
I don't know what to say here. The main thing I learned is hold to courage and be the person you are born to be.
This book isn't written particularly well -- lots of editorial errors. BUT, it's written with heart and authencity which more than makes up for its literary and academic deficiencies. It speaks a truth of being that outshines its mechanical clunkiness.
I will say this. While rather too self-absorbed, Rich is engaging and compelling. Mullaney's memoir more coherently shadows Heinlein's "Starship Troopers" because the main character Juanito Rico is a fellow mudboot like Mullaney, but Rich's voice is pure Rico in cadence and style. It's kind of spooky. The other thing is that Rich's experiences illuminate Renault's renderings of Alexander the Great and Davidson's "The Greeks and Greek Love." For these reasons I highly recommend this book.
Overlook the motes of poor writing to get to the rare diamonds of truth.
It'll be worth it.
This book isn't written particularly well -- lots of editorial errors. BUT, it's written with heart and authencity which more than makes up for its literary and academic deficiencies. It speaks a truth of being that outshines its mechanical clunkiness.
I will say this. While rather too self-absorbed, Rich is engaging and compelling. Mullaney's memoir more coherently shadows Heinlein's "Starship Troopers" because the main character Juanito Rico is a fellow mudboot like Mullaney, but Rich's voice is pure Rico in cadence and style. It's kind of spooky. The other thing is that Rich's experiences illuminate Renault's renderings of Alexander the Great and Davidson's "The Greeks and Greek Love." For these reasons I highly recommend this book.
Overlook the motes of poor writing to get to the rare diamonds of truth.
It'll be worth it.
November 6, 2014
Lehmkuhl is being hailed as a publicity seeker, doing anything and everything to maintain his 15 minutes of fame. While I'm inclined to agree extent, I'm curious about all the personal attacks due to this book. Granted, it is not well written and some of the mentioned incidents did not happen to him but a third party wishing to remain ananymous, but it is a book with a powerful message regardless. He's become a vocal oponent to "Daon't Ask, Don't Tell" which imediately puts him into a spotlight that attracts attention from both sides. It also doesn't help that he is attractive and he knows it. But this is about the book, which I found positive and informative. My basic training experience was similar in some ways but extreemly different in others. Whoever came up with the title tactic is brilliant. It's a shame that it had to come to that though.
September 8, 2013
I was intrigued how a young man came to a better understanding of his sexual orientation while in the Air Force Academy and how he dealt with the conflict of his personal feelings and the fervently anti-gay policy of the military.
I thought the book gave an interesting inside view of what cadets go through and how even more difficult it was as a gay man. The writing was not very polished, but it still made for good reading.
I deeply respect military personnel who love our country so much that they are willing to sacrifice everything to serve in the armed forces. How unfortunate that not only are these men and women risking their lives, they have had to give up a chance at living in an open relationship with the person they love. And now that we have an end to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, these military officers finally can express the love they feel.
I thought the book gave an interesting inside view of what cadets go through and how even more difficult it was as a gay man. The writing was not very polished, but it still made for good reading.
I deeply respect military personnel who love our country so much that they are willing to sacrifice everything to serve in the armed forces. How unfortunate that not only are these men and women risking their lives, they have had to give up a chance at living in an open relationship with the person they love. And now that we have an end to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, these military officers finally can express the love they feel.
December 2, 2016
I wish there was a neutral star for a rating. We were required to read this for the Freshman Seminar at Stony Brook. It focuses on how hard it was for the author to come out of the closet confidently in the U.S. military. We've now been asked to create a project that portrays how some part of the book relates to part of our life. I'm trying to make a jigsaw puzzle/ poem/ frame out of the best quotes. October 19 is the day the author visits us! Will it be an exciting day?
Yess! I just learned it will be an exciting day because I have been selected as one of the 64 students in the entire freshman class at Stony Brook University to have lunch with the author! Can't wait!
Yess! I just learned it will be an exciting day because I have been selected as one of the 64 students in the entire freshman class at Stony Brook University to have lunch with the author! Can't wait!
May 30, 2011
Lehmkul is a mediocre writer verging on terrible. His story is a quick one and pretty interesting in places, in a post-DADT world it's hopefully less necessary to hear theses sorts of stories about homosexuals forced to live a double life, so unless you're interested in military academy life* or the history of attitudes towards homosexuality in the USA** you should probably read something else.
*Oh, but life in military academies is so interesting, you totally should be interested.
**Also pretty interesting, but there are vastly better books on the subject.
*Oh, but life in military academies is so interesting, you totally should be interested.
**Also pretty interesting, but there are vastly better books on the subject.
October 30, 2013
Reichen Lehmkuhl exposes readers to his experiences, hardships and overall life growing up and entering the U.S Air Force. Lehmkuhl is extremely generous in sharing his experiences, giving much detail of his early and current life.
Lehmkuhl gives readers his thoughts and experiences through his early life in the beginning of the book, to his life enlisted.
The most interesting part of the book is that Lehkuhl does NOT make himself picture perfect; Instead, Lehmkuhl gave us the full story, with his selfishness and arrogance.
Lehmkuhl gives readers his thoughts and experiences through his early life in the beginning of the book, to his life enlisted.
The most interesting part of the book is that Lehkuhl does NOT make himself picture perfect; Instead, Lehmkuhl gave us the full story, with his selfishness and arrogance.
November 9, 2010
The book was fairly well written. There was more detail about the inner workings about the Air Force Academy than I cared for. I was more interested in his coming out story, and I didn't think it went into enough detail. I also had trouble identifying with him realizing he was gay at such a late age; I knew I was gay from age 10! However, I certainly applaud his dedication and perseverance. Overall, a very interesting biography.
January 4, 2009
before the book starts there's an author's note that says that some of the stuff in the book he attributes to happening to him that actually happened to others, and he was witness to. WTF IS THAT? That's like me writing a book and saying I won an academy award and writing about my experience when really I just watched them at home.
the book itself was ok, if you overlook that one thing.
the book itself was ok, if you overlook that one thing.
May 9, 2008
Reichen is definitely not a writer...the book is amateurish, preachy, and only intermittently interesting. I agree that Don't Ask, Don't Tell is a stupid policy, and I didn't hate the book, but I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone.
July 28, 2007
A very good book about the Air Force Academy and the results of their "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. The author is telling the true story of his experience.
March 4, 2009
I liked this book. I can't believe the things that happened to him at the Air Force Academy. This book makes it clear how ridiculous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" truly is.
November 2, 2010
This man was definitely not born to be a writer but he does have an interesting and educational story to tell.
July 20, 2013
Well written and fascinating account of being gay in a military academy. Persons of any sexual orientation would appreciate such a candid and quite shocking true story.
April 7, 2016
Mediocre narcissistic account of military life under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews