Under the Laurel Tree: Grieving Infertility with Saints Joachim and Anna

by Nicole Roccas

Infertility ranks among the hardest griefs a couple can face. Yet this painful issue is all too often neglected in both Church and society. Under the Laurel Tree traces one God-fearing couple’s journey through the emotional turmoil of childlessness. By following the story of Saints Joachim and Anna, this book helps individuals and couples navigate the loss inherent in infertility amid the pain of shame, separation, anger, bargaining, and blamelessness. In walking alongside Joachim and Anna, we encounter not only a life-giving template for grief, but also the path back to ourselves, our partners, and our God-given vocation of eucharistic thanksgiving.

Genres: Spirituality, Catholic

232 pages, Paperback

Published October 29, 2019

Reviews

[Lauralyn Sammons · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me feel seen in so many ways. Infertility is a silent suffering that so many go through. You start to look at all the people around you and you believe that they are judging you for your empty home. Nicole covers this feeling and basically every thought I had while sitting in my empty house with an open schedule while others homes were filled with childrens books, toys, and play dates. I felt that I was able to grieve alongside her.

I bought this book at an Antiochian Orthodox church in Louisville, KY and read it while my husband and I were inquiring in the Church. Looking back, this book greatly influenced my personal journey to the Orthodox faith. My husband read the church father's, but I needed to feel like the Orthodox faith had a place for me and my deep sadness. Joachim, Anna, and Nicole's stories confirmed the humanity of Orthodox people for me.

Basically read this book. I guarantee you have a person in your life who is struggling with infertility or miscarriage. This book will help you understand their difficulties if you cannot identify with them yourself.

This book also helped me choose my patron saint, Anna!

[Nicole Roccas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer: This is MY OWN book. But technically I did read it this year--many times in the editing process, and word-for-word aloud while recording it for Audible.

I don't always like reading what I've written, it's a little like listening to a recording of one's voice on audio. There's something too familiar, yet somehow slanted--words never sound the same outside your head as they do within.

But I have enjoyed reading this book. In part because I brought other voices and stories into this book, I don't always feel like I'm simply reading MY book. I appreciate the sense of community that is evoked in these pages and hope they provide comfort to others who share in the struggle of infertility and childlessness.

[Christine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is truly a gift for anyone who is/has gone through infertility or for anyone who wants to be supportive of those who have gone through it. Very thoughtfully written, includes a lovely Orthodox perspective and lovely examples from the Bible. Thank you for writing the book Nicole!

[Phoebe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Under the Laurel Tree is a gift. For all of us who long to be truly supportive to friends, family, and congregation members who suffer from infertility, Nicole Roccas has given us all the gift of sharing the grief of infertility that couples face and increasing our empathy. I read an advance copy of this book from Ancient Faith Press, and once I started reading I was done in two days. Nicole manages to traverse painful ground and deep theology while still writing a readable book that is useful for everyone, not just those who face the challenges of infertility.

By following the lives of Sts. Joachim and Anna, Nicole has also developed a hopeful and life-giving framework for couples to turn to when facing infertility. She frankly (and sometimes humorously) points out the pain that can be caused by the words of otherwise well-intentioned loved ones (I’m guilty, more than once, of telling someone facing infertility “don’t stress,” or wondering why a couple does not consider adoption). At the same time, she writes about living in the space of forgiveness and understanding towards those whose words and actions, while sometimes hurtful and embarrassing, also carry within them love and hope.

Most eye-opening for me was Nicole’s request to a friend who had recently given birth to a baby. Her friend asked her how she could be supportive, and Nicole told her to continue to “hope with her.” I learned that urging couples facing infertility to “accept” their situation is not helpful, but can lead to more grief, as if we’ve given up. I’ve resolved to hope with my friends and pray for them.

I also found this book helpful to my own marriage. Nicole points out that the challenges infertile couples face are closer to those faced by empty nesters than by couples their own age. These challenges relate to finding a common purpose in the absence of children, and in this the story of Sts. Joachim and Anna are a model for all married couples.

This isn’t just a book about infertility. It is a book about marriage, grief, friendship, ministry and hope. Nicole’s willingness to share her and other couples’ experiences is truly a gift for all of us.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve long wanted to know how to better understand and walk with couples experiencing infertility, and here Nicole Roccas has provided a valuable guidebook. Using the story of Saints Anna and Joachim (the parents of Mary, the Mother of Christ), Roccas offers a fresh lens, a literal icon, of hope and consolation through which to view infertility and grief—both for those bearing the burden and those walking alongside them.

Roccas’ medical and psychological language around infertility and childlessness is clear, well-documented, and helpful, and her literary and theological perspective is likewise plainspoken, relatable, and rich. While her primary audience is men and women in the Eastern Orthodox faith who are experiencing infertility (and they will be most familiar with the narrative), she provides spiritual perspective and language accessible to readers of any Christian faith tradition.

Through Anna and Joachim, her own story, and the voices of others experiencing infertility, Roccas has created a beautiful reading companion for those grieving childlessness, and simultaneously provided an instructive and insightful work for those of us who desire to better love and support them.

For this review I was provided an advance copy from the author.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated the gentle approach by the author to this topic. The author has credibility as she writes from her own experience with this issue. The levity from the awkward responses of others was very appropriate, and the author was adept at pointing out the good intentions behind the cringe-worthy responses. My perspective was deepened and broadened through reading this book. Well done.

[Nancy Parcels · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful and comforting book. From someone who has suffered 2 miscarriages, this book I think finally gave me the closure I didn’t know I needed. In a few short weeks I will be commemorating the 6th anniversary of my first miscarriage. It has been a long journey of healing spiritually, mentally and physically. Nicole does a beautiful job of highlighting the effects of infertility from both the female and the male perspective. I read several books about miscarriages and Nicole’s is the only one to give the male side. Not only that, but it does a remarkable job of showing family and friends who may not know what it’s like to be supportive. This book is truly a gift and a must read.

Through Joachim, Anna, Nicole’s own story and commentary from others dealing with infertility, Nicole has laid out this book in an easy to follow and to understand all the medical jargon associated with infertility and childlessness. It is full of raw emotions and compassion that I thought I had completely dealt with but while reading it, it came up and out again. I feel different this time. I feel truly healed spiritually and emotionally.
I highly recommend this to anyone dealing with infertility and childlessness.

I received an advance copy of this book for my honest review.

[Maria Weir · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could have used this book a thousand times. I’ve listened, mostly poorly, to many loved ones with various complications during infertility. One couple suffered over fourteen miscarriages, during which they spent a fortune on physicians, tests, treatments, and then adoption. They so longed for a baby, they asked whether surrogacy was an option. Another couple tried for years. They took custody of their godchildren and thought they’d spend their days parenting those kids, only to lose custody. Their heartbreak grew with the loss of their son through miscarriage, then total loss of fertility. Another couple buried three pre-term babies. Several loved ones conceived and gave birth to one child, then grieved when they realized that child would bury them alone some day. I never knew what to ask. I wish I’d started with a simple “How are you?” Mostly I stayed silent and probably gave them the sad doe eyes that just don’t help. I thought I was afraid to remind them of what them of what they probably think about daily. I think I kept quiet because I wouldn’t trust myself not to ask a more stupid follow-up question or that I would quit listening when their pain became heavy for me. In each situation, those couples have struggled but also succeeded in re-envisioning their purpose together. As I listened to Roccas talk about how couples learn to respect their different ways of grieving and how they find a new spiritual purpose together, I thought about how that’s true of my husband and me. At our wedding almost twenty five years ago, my grandfather prayed for us saying, “Give them a great spiritual purpose” and we took that to heart. It’s a conversation we’ve returned to many times- in becoming Orthodox, in going to seminary, and now with our empty nest. In one more way, Roccas instructs us through the hard-learned insights of those who grieve. It’s a reminder that our peculiar positions in life may always be used to strengthen the whole community. Read teh full review here: https://mariareynoldsweir.wordpress.c...

[Iz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Under The Laurel Tree

A Review By E. Rabago

Finally a book that touches on Infertility in the Orthodox perspective. Something that I find is such a rarity in the Orthodox world. A great deal of the time Infertility is such a “black sheep” topic. The direct focus on the grieving of infertility is what made it so helpful in my case. As secondary infertility is what touched our family I love that she included ALL forms of Infertility.

I truly appreaciated her in-depth look at the journey of Joachim and Anna, via the Protoevangelium. I found that Dr. Roccas commentary so refreshing and helpful as I have always found parts of the Protoevangelium confusing to say the least. Dr. Roccas adds in just the right amounts of humor and commentary from others to make this very relatable to everyone.

I was happily surprised at the end of the book to find a section that i was able to share with our own priest to help him understand more of what to do to help other couples who are walking down the path of Infertility .

On a personal note this book has helped me so much on my own journey and I felt that I was able to walk down this journey with Dr. Roccas. It brought me comfort and taught me to truly feel the pain of Joachim and Anna, but also to appreciate the absolute blessing that my living children are.

[Andy Milligan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book.

Nicole Roccas is characteristically honest, funny and entirely engaging. The book addresses her own experience of infertility written in a framework following the pious tradition of Ss Joachim and Anna (parents to the Blessed Virgin Mary).

It's clearly and honestly written from an Eastern Orthodox Christian and will be highly instructive to grieving couples, pastors and friends in that tradition, however I think that any Christian who approaches this book with an open heart and mind will discover real wisdom, challenge (and humour), and will be given fresh insights into how to deal with quite a common pastoral challenge among Christians in the West.

In short: It's wonderful and should certainly be read by any Christians engaged in pastoral ministries or Christian counselling contexts.

[Susan Cushman · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a 68-year-old mother of three grown adopted children and four wonderful grandchildren, I still grieve my infertility. Nicole makes an important point that adoption doesn't cure infertility grief. But she also offers help in the healing process. As an Orthodox Christian, I appreciated her use of Saints Joachim and Anna's infertility journey as a parallel for the five stages of grief, which I think apply to anyone, Orthodox or not, Christian or not. There is much sound wisdom here. And as a published author, I also appreciate the quality of the writing itself. Five stars for the helpful wisdom, the important subject matter, the spiritual insights, and the prose itself.

[Andj Dip · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never felt more seen through Nicole’s words/writing & reflections with St.Anne & St. Joachim. This book is like having a best friend who just “gets” the hurt and pain we go through (it’s really hard to come by a human friend who can go this deep into this wound). This has really impacted the way I carry my sometimes disabling cross of infertility. Thank you Nicole !!

[Sarah Bereza · Rating 5 out of 5]

Under the Laurel tree is important for all of us, not just couples with infertility - and it's especially important for those of us leading in churches, since we help set the culture around infertility in the congregations we serve. A well-written, wise, and human book.