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Wiving: A Memoir of Loving Then Leaving the Patriarchy
The Most Anticipated Memoirs of 2020, She Reads • Bay Area Authors to Read This Summer, 7X7
A literary memoir of one woman's journey from wife to warrior, in the vein of breakout hits like Cheryl Strayed's Wild and Jeannette Walls's The Glass Castle .
At thirty-six years old, Caitlin Myer is ready to start a family with her husband. She has left behind the restrictive confines of her Mormon upbringing and early sexual trauma and believes she is now living her happily ever after . . . when her body betrays her. In a single week, she suffers the twin losses of a hysterectomy and the death of her mother, and she is jolted into a terrible awakening that forces her to reckon with her past—and future.
This is the story of one woman’s lifelong combat with a culture—her “escape” from religion at age twenty, only to find herself similarly entrapped in the gender conventions of the secular culture at large, conventions that teach girls and women to shape themselves to please men, to become good wives and mothers. The biblical characters Yael and Judith, wives who became assassins, become her totems as she evolves from wifely submission to warrior independence.
An electric debut that loudly redefines our notions of womanhood, Wiving grapples with the intersections of religion and sex, trauma and love, sickness and mental illness, and a woman’s harrowing enlightenment. Building on the literary tradition of difficult women who struggle to be heard, Wiving introduces an urgent, striking voice to the scene of contemporary women’s writing at a time when we must explode old myths and build new stories in their place.
Wiving is a finalist for the 2021 Association for Mormon Letters Creative Nonfiction Award.
A literary memoir of one woman's journey from wife to warrior, in the vein of breakout hits like Cheryl Strayed's Wild and Jeannette Walls's The Glass Castle .
At thirty-six years old, Caitlin Myer is ready to start a family with her husband. She has left behind the restrictive confines of her Mormon upbringing and early sexual trauma and believes she is now living her happily ever after . . . when her body betrays her. In a single week, she suffers the twin losses of a hysterectomy and the death of her mother, and she is jolted into a terrible awakening that forces her to reckon with her past—and future.
This is the story of one woman’s lifelong combat with a culture—her “escape” from religion at age twenty, only to find herself similarly entrapped in the gender conventions of the secular culture at large, conventions that teach girls and women to shape themselves to please men, to become good wives and mothers. The biblical characters Yael and Judith, wives who became assassins, become her totems as she evolves from wifely submission to warrior independence.
An electric debut that loudly redefines our notions of womanhood, Wiving grapples with the intersections of religion and sex, trauma and love, sickness and mental illness, and a woman’s harrowing enlightenment. Building on the literary tradition of difficult women who struggle to be heard, Wiving introduces an urgent, striking voice to the scene of contemporary women’s writing at a time when we must explode old myths and build new stories in their place.
Wiving is a finalist for the 2021 Association for Mormon Letters Creative Nonfiction Award.
264 pages, Hardcover
First published July 7, 2020
10 people are currently reading
495 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
July 16, 2020
A beautiful, tough, and brave memoir. The kind of memoir that will inspire you to tell your own story.
I am blown away by Caitlin Myer’s lyrical, yet straightforward writing - the toughest moments in her life laid bare for the reader so honestly that sometimes it is painful to read. This book tackles all the beauty, pain and messiness involved with being a woman, amplified times ten or sometimes more like one hundred.
Myer grew up in a Mormon family in Utah. Her family was extremely traditional in some ways, particularly regarding religion, sin, virginity, and the "wiving" in the title, but also unique and ahead of its time in other ways. Meyer's mother had bipolar disorder and serious depression, spending a lot of time sick in bed. Her mother is fascinating to me. Though strictly Mormon and wedded to many of their beliefs, she also showed feminist spirit. On one occasion after showing her daughter some poems, she implied that she had spent all her creativity on having children (there were six in Myer’s family).
You should be forewarned that there's a lot of abuse, including sexual abuse, in this story. It is pretty much non-stop. Myer, like so many other women and girls, was sexualized from a young age, and abused by a number of older people who knew better. It doesn’t get much better for many years. A lot of the time this is very hard to read, but the way she writes about it is completely unique and somehow just a revelation. Her repeated tough experiences are analyzed through the lens of both her religion and our American way of life, and her writing has a lot to say about being a girl or a young woman in our culture. The book, like its title, is from the perspective of the primary duty of "wiving" the author had instilled in her since she was a little girl. Be a good wife, give the man what he wants, flirt but be virtuous, put up a fight. You see how the strict religious oppression of her upbringing made worse a lot of terrible situations. A lot of these ideas are common to many of us even if not raised Mormon, but are amplified in this book.
A beautifully written, tough, heartbreaking memoir that is important even though often hard to read. This book definitely deserves the advance praise it's been getting.
Side note: This book has been compared to Educated. I liked it better than Educated! It’s similar in some ways but quite different and, for me, more emotional.
Thanks to Caitlin Myer, NetGalley and Skyhorse for the advance copy of this great book.
I am blown away by Caitlin Myer’s lyrical, yet straightforward writing - the toughest moments in her life laid bare for the reader so honestly that sometimes it is painful to read. This book tackles all the beauty, pain and messiness involved with being a woman, amplified times ten or sometimes more like one hundred.
Myer grew up in a Mormon family in Utah. Her family was extremely traditional in some ways, particularly regarding religion, sin, virginity, and the "wiving" in the title, but also unique and ahead of its time in other ways. Meyer's mother had bipolar disorder and serious depression, spending a lot of time sick in bed. Her mother is fascinating to me. Though strictly Mormon and wedded to many of their beliefs, she also showed feminist spirit. On one occasion after showing her daughter some poems, she implied that she had spent all her creativity on having children (there were six in Myer’s family).
You should be forewarned that there's a lot of abuse, including sexual abuse, in this story. It is pretty much non-stop. Myer, like so many other women and girls, was sexualized from a young age, and abused by a number of older people who knew better. It doesn’t get much better for many years. A lot of the time this is very hard to read, but the way she writes about it is completely unique and somehow just a revelation. Her repeated tough experiences are analyzed through the lens of both her religion and our American way of life, and her writing has a lot to say about being a girl or a young woman in our culture. The book, like its title, is from the perspective of the primary duty of "wiving" the author had instilled in her since she was a little girl. Be a good wife, give the man what he wants, flirt but be virtuous, put up a fight. You see how the strict religious oppression of her upbringing made worse a lot of terrible situations. A lot of these ideas are common to many of us even if not raised Mormon, but are amplified in this book.
A beautifully written, tough, heartbreaking memoir that is important even though often hard to read. This book definitely deserves the advance praise it's been getting.
Side note: This book has been compared to Educated. I liked it better than Educated! It’s similar in some ways but quite different and, for me, more emotional.
Thanks to Caitlin Myer, NetGalley and Skyhorse for the advance copy of this great book.
August 11, 2020
This was hard to read and not because it's a bad book but because of what the author has shared in this book. I rarely read memoirs/biographies because I avoid dealing with raw emotion this genre usually has. Call me a coward or uncaring but my mental health comes first. If the book affects my mental health so much, then I won't read it.
But from time to time, I do read something from this genre. That's why I accepted an e-copy of this book from the publisher when it was offered to me. And thank God I did. It wasn't easy to read Myer's experiences in life but it was slightly smothered by her writing style. She writes in fragments, like in a journal, which I find as one of my favorite style. It's almost poetic and I found myself enjoying the book immensely while absorbing everything that Myer's trying to tell me.
Her journey has so much to tell and after reading the book, I felt happy that I got to read her story. It was so empowering seeing her as a kid, in an unsafe Mormons home and watching her as she turns into who she is now. What struck me most though is the fact that she didn't just tell her story but also the stories of people around her and their significance in their own life. Through her lines, even though she never really said it, she thought or believed that her life was never hers. WIth that in mind, imagine how hard it is for her to separate herself from the people in her past in the life she grew up in.
Overall, I highly recommend this book. I think it's very empowering and really worth reading.
But from time to time, I do read something from this genre. That's why I accepted an e-copy of this book from the publisher when it was offered to me. And thank God I did. It wasn't easy to read Myer's experiences in life but it was slightly smothered by her writing style. She writes in fragments, like in a journal, which I find as one of my favorite style. It's almost poetic and I found myself enjoying the book immensely while absorbing everything that Myer's trying to tell me.
Her journey has so much to tell and after reading the book, I felt happy that I got to read her story. It was so empowering seeing her as a kid, in an unsafe Mormons home and watching her as she turns into who she is now. What struck me most though is the fact that she didn't just tell her story but also the stories of people around her and their significance in their own life. Through her lines, even though she never really said it, she thought or believed that her life was never hers. WIth that in mind, imagine how hard it is for her to separate herself from the people in her past in the life she grew up in.
Overall, I highly recommend this book. I think it's very empowering and really worth reading.
July 7, 2020
Review to follow.
July 11, 2020
Originally published on my book blog, TheBibliophage.com.
Caitlin Myer explores family, identity and the role of women in her upcoming book Wiving: A Memoir of Loving then Leaving the Patriarchy. The story starts in Provo, Utah where she’s the youngest child in a medium-sized Mormon family. And her Art Professor dad holds it all together because Mom is sick in bed most days. That view of marriage and being a wife colors Myer’s life and this memoir.
Early in the story, Myer focuses on her mother’s illness(es) and how it affects the family. She talks about things like her bread baking family chore—at age six. And the way exhibiting quiet, sweet, and cheerful behavior becomes her focus.
As she grows older, that attitude becomes problematic though. It’s so ingrained in her that speaking out against sexually abusive men is unthinkable. As the story progresses, Myer weaves these men and their abuses into the ways her mother’s illness affects her. Plus, it’s all in the context of Mormonism, her own mental health, and, to some degree, patriarchy as a whole.
Myer throws in plenty of details about Mormon life, primarily as it relates to concepts of family and marriage. She explains the way Mormon families are together for eternity. As long as they follow church doctrines. And, in her case, what happens to a family member who leaves the church. It’s both fascinating and disturbing in its restriction.
My conclusions
Sure, Myer tells the story of her life. But she also focuses on the other people in her life and how they affect her. For example, she details much of her mother’s illnesses. Still, her parents play that close to the vest, so we don’t get total explanation. And, as a Mormon daughter, she focuses on becoming a Mormon wife. So, her coming of age tale happens as it relates to men, rather than strictly on her own merits.
I think that’s what she’s trying to convey. That her life was never hers alone. Thus, separating herself from either her mother or these men was a Herculean task. That makes her eventual growth and individuation an incredible victory. She tells us in her subtitle that she leaves the patriarchy, so this is no spoiler. The crux of this memoir is how she leaves the family / church / patriarchy fold and becomes her own person.
If you’re wondering how this compares to another Mormon “escapee” memoir, Educated by Tara Westover, just know it’s quite different. Myer and Westover both suffer abuses but they are not at all the same. Westover’s family home was considerably more unsafe than Myer’s. And their road out of Mormonism may be parallel at times, but each is unique.
Myer’s writing style is as much like reading a found journal as it is a memoir. She uses sentence fragments liberally. They give the memoir a frenetic quality that reflects the thought processes it describes. But the style and content are deeply personal, and even lyrical at times. This is a woman willing to bare her soul to readers, and deserves praise for her courage.
Recommend for memoir readers who aren’t uncomfortable with complex families, mental illness, and religious idiosyncrasies.
Trigger warnings: sexual abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts
Acknowledgements
Many thanks to Arcade Press and the author for a digital advanced reader’s copy in exchange for this honest review.
Caitlin Myer explores family, identity and the role of women in her upcoming book Wiving: A Memoir of Loving then Leaving the Patriarchy. The story starts in Provo, Utah where she’s the youngest child in a medium-sized Mormon family. And her Art Professor dad holds it all together because Mom is sick in bed most days. That view of marriage and being a wife colors Myer’s life and this memoir.
Early in the story, Myer focuses on her mother’s illness(es) and how it affects the family. She talks about things like her bread baking family chore—at age six. And the way exhibiting quiet, sweet, and cheerful behavior becomes her focus.
As she grows older, that attitude becomes problematic though. It’s so ingrained in her that speaking out against sexually abusive men is unthinkable. As the story progresses, Myer weaves these men and their abuses into the ways her mother’s illness affects her. Plus, it’s all in the context of Mormonism, her own mental health, and, to some degree, patriarchy as a whole.
Myer throws in plenty of details about Mormon life, primarily as it relates to concepts of family and marriage. She explains the way Mormon families are together for eternity. As long as they follow church doctrines. And, in her case, what happens to a family member who leaves the church. It’s both fascinating and disturbing in its restriction.
My conclusions
Sure, Myer tells the story of her life. But she also focuses on the other people in her life and how they affect her. For example, she details much of her mother’s illnesses. Still, her parents play that close to the vest, so we don’t get total explanation. And, as a Mormon daughter, she focuses on becoming a Mormon wife. So, her coming of age tale happens as it relates to men, rather than strictly on her own merits.
I think that’s what she’s trying to convey. That her life was never hers alone. Thus, separating herself from either her mother or these men was a Herculean task. That makes her eventual growth and individuation an incredible victory. She tells us in her subtitle that she leaves the patriarchy, so this is no spoiler. The crux of this memoir is how she leaves the family / church / patriarchy fold and becomes her own person.
If you’re wondering how this compares to another Mormon “escapee” memoir, Educated by Tara Westover, just know it’s quite different. Myer and Westover both suffer abuses but they are not at all the same. Westover’s family home was considerably more unsafe than Myer’s. And their road out of Mormonism may be parallel at times, but each is unique.
Myer’s writing style is as much like reading a found journal as it is a memoir. She uses sentence fragments liberally. They give the memoir a frenetic quality that reflects the thought processes it describes. But the style and content are deeply personal, and even lyrical at times. This is a woman willing to bare her soul to readers, and deserves praise for her courage.
Recommend for memoir readers who aren’t uncomfortable with complex families, mental illness, and religious idiosyncrasies.
Trigger warnings: sexual abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts
Acknowledgements
Many thanks to Arcade Press and the author for a digital advanced reader’s copy in exchange for this honest review.
February 13, 2021
This is my first review written on goodreads. I usually submit a rating and move on to the next book on my list. But I felt this book needed a review to prepare fellow readers for the potential read.
This book was raw, unrestrained, and at times triggering. There were times I didn’t think I could finish, but I powered through and was glad I did. Myer had lived her story, I was merely reading it. Myer shared about both strengths and vulnerabilities we encounter as women. Her words led to both tears and feelings of validation. I appreciate any woman who can so honestly share her truth.
This book was raw, unrestrained, and at times triggering. There were times I didn’t think I could finish, but I powered through and was glad I did. Myer had lived her story, I was merely reading it. Myer shared about both strengths and vulnerabilities we encounter as women. Her words led to both tears and feelings of validation. I appreciate any woman who can so honestly share her truth.
March 10, 2021
I was kind of torn on this book; there were things about it I liked and its messages (or some of them) are really great and important, but there was enough about it that bugged me that this is a 2 star kind of situation.
Liked:
- I like the verbing of wife: When I smile at some gross guy's stupid insulting joke because I fear the repercussions of not doing so, I'm "wiving" - like I'm doing the emotional labor and self-sacrifice that women are trained to perform (free of charge!) to make men feel more comfortable
- I have lots of respect for anyone who leaves a cultish religion. That would take so much courage, to stand up to your family like that and feel exiled forever.
Disliked:
- The author really wants you to know how she's artistic and special and different. Like how she "danced the Nutcracker, played violin in the orchestra...wrote plays in fifth grade that were performed for the whole school..." Like that's pretty cool that you danced in The Nutcracker as a child, but it doesn't make you particularly artistic or anything. It just means you were a child in a children's ballet once. I find it super off-putting when people try to let you know how unique and remarkable they are. Sadly we are all just regular.
- I felt there was a lot of judgement of other women in the book. Like the "I'm not like other girls" thing, which is insulting to the whole gender! We're all like other girls!! But she says stuff like about women in rich SF who are beautiful and wear expensive clothes, and she assumes that "their entire job is being a wife, is staying beautiful for their rich husbands...women who are wives before they are anything else" (which she admits is judgmental). It's so off-putting. I don't think you get to trumpet how much of a feminist you are when you write stuff like that. First of all, a woman with a ring on her finger could be married to a woman. She could have bought herself the dang ring because she wanted it. She could be a wife and still be an independent, self-sufficient woman. She could be any number of things, but it seems that since the author doesn't want to live a certain type of life, she feels entitled to pass judgement on any women who do. So what if a woman wants to have fancy clothes and beautiful hair? Mind your own business.
Liked:
- I like the verbing of wife: When I smile at some gross guy's stupid insulting joke because I fear the repercussions of not doing so, I'm "wiving" - like I'm doing the emotional labor and self-sacrifice that women are trained to perform (free of charge!) to make men feel more comfortable
- I have lots of respect for anyone who leaves a cultish religion. That would take so much courage, to stand up to your family like that and feel exiled forever.
Disliked:
- The author really wants you to know how she's artistic and special and different. Like how she "danced the Nutcracker, played violin in the orchestra...wrote plays in fifth grade that were performed for the whole school..." Like that's pretty cool that you danced in The Nutcracker as a child, but it doesn't make you particularly artistic or anything. It just means you were a child in a children's ballet once. I find it super off-putting when people try to let you know how unique and remarkable they are. Sadly we are all just regular.
- I felt there was a lot of judgement of other women in the book. Like the "I'm not like other girls" thing, which is insulting to the whole gender! We're all like other girls!! But she says stuff like about women in rich SF who are beautiful and wear expensive clothes, and she assumes that "their entire job is being a wife, is staying beautiful for their rich husbands...women who are wives before they are anything else" (which she admits is judgmental). It's so off-putting. I don't think you get to trumpet how much of a feminist you are when you write stuff like that. First of all, a woman with a ring on her finger could be married to a woman. She could have bought herself the dang ring because she wanted it. She could be a wife and still be an independent, self-sufficient woman. She could be any number of things, but it seems that since the author doesn't want to live a certain type of life, she feels entitled to pass judgement on any women who do. So what if a woman wants to have fancy clothes and beautiful hair? Mind your own business.
July 4, 2020
Caitlin Myer doesn't hold back in Wiving, not even a little. The result is a sweeping, vivid memoir that makes you feel like you were there as she grew into the resilient woman she is today, the one who seeks out her fears to prove she can handle anything.
But the best memoirs aren't just about the author's experiences; they provide a framework to explore larger issues. Here, Wiving does not disappoint. Myer helped me to interrogate my own beliefs about marriage, independence, and healing.
This is an important book, and one I will think of for a long time to come. That said, if you are triggered by detailed descriptions of sexual violence, this book is not a good choice for you.
Because of the difficult subjects that Myer tackles, Wiving is not always an easy read. But is always stunning, incisive, and beautiful.
(I received an ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.)
But the best memoirs aren't just about the author's experiences; they provide a framework to explore larger issues. Here, Wiving does not disappoint. Myer helped me to interrogate my own beliefs about marriage, independence, and healing.
This is an important book, and one I will think of for a long time to come. That said, if you are triggered by detailed descriptions of sexual violence, this book is not a good choice for you.
Because of the difficult subjects that Myer tackles, Wiving is not always an easy read. But is always stunning, incisive, and beautiful.
(I received an ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.)
July 30, 2020
When someone is so open and honest in their story it opens up space for others to tell the truth too. This memoir opens up that space for me. I want to think about it more and let it settle before writing more but this is a gorgeous but not easy read. It made me laugh and cry. It’s a unique story but also one that crossed over my own at several points.
September 17, 2024
I’ve read many FLDS memoirs but this was different. Mainstream Mormonism. Still seems crippled by similar issues. Hard to stomach at times. She’s a great writer but by the end I felt a little woozy.
July 5, 2020
I am female and in reading this book, all the doubts, fears, pain, all the things I learned to lock away in the dark recess of my mind about this body were unearthed by Caitlin.
I don't know whether to hate that she spoke such truth or to applaud her...all I know is that I felt seen, heard and championed for by her story. This book is one that I hope I get to read a year from now as well.
Thank you Netgalley for the eARC.
I don't know whether to hate that she spoke such truth or to applaud her...all I know is that I felt seen, heard and championed for by her story. This book is one that I hope I get to read a year from now as well.
Thank you Netgalley for the eARC.
March 16, 2023
One of the strongest things about this narrative, to me, is the theme of control/agency over the body. The author's agency is betrayed in many ways, by people, by systems. And in the end, her own body betrays her.
I became deeply engrossed in the story, the kind of memoir so personal that you imagine you hear the author reading it to you.
When I reflect on the book, what lingers with me is not so much the earlier sections which describe abuses. It is the descriptions of family. The abuses didn't surprise me, but I felt unnerved by the description of how even a loving family, "good people," and the privileges they confer can contain coding that re-enforces our willingness to accept abuse, abandonment and loss of agency as normal part of life.
I look forward to reading more from Caitlin Myer!
I became deeply engrossed in the story, the kind of memoir so personal that you imagine you hear the author reading it to you.
When I reflect on the book, what lingers with me is not so much the earlier sections which describe abuses. It is the descriptions of family. The abuses didn't surprise me, but I felt unnerved by the description of how even a loving family, "good people," and the privileges they confer can contain coding that re-enforces our willingness to accept abuse, abandonment and loss of agency as normal part of life.
I look forward to reading more from Caitlin Myer!
November 8, 2020
Review to come
July 20, 2020
As the book's title suggests, Caitlin Myer’s memoir is written from the perspective of someone whose primary life focus was learning to become and then becoming a wife. And not just an ordinary wife, but the exact right kind of wife based on the standards of her religious upbringing.
Myer gives us a poignant look at a life ruled by other people’s expectations. This is a tragic exploration of what happens when a woman is taught, from early childhood on, that her sole purpose is to bend to the will of the men in her life. Her wants and needs are secondary, at best. How does that girl learn to stand on her own, to know herself, to understand boundaries, or to protect herself?
The content is raw and honest. She doesn’t shy away from personal details, which include sexual abuse. The emotion here is almost tangible.
This book reads much like a journal, with vignettes and story snippets pieced together to create the tapestry of a life. While this style will work well for a lot of readers, for me it often felt disjointed, too fragmented to form a whole picture. The writing itself has a poetic literary quality that I thoroughly enjoyed. The beauty of the words belies the darkness within the story they tell.
*I received an advance copy in exchange for my honest review.*
Myer gives us a poignant look at a life ruled by other people’s expectations. This is a tragic exploration of what happens when a woman is taught, from early childhood on, that her sole purpose is to bend to the will of the men in her life. Her wants and needs are secondary, at best. How does that girl learn to stand on her own, to know herself, to understand boundaries, or to protect herself?
The content is raw and honest. She doesn’t shy away from personal details, which include sexual abuse. The emotion here is almost tangible.
This book reads much like a journal, with vignettes and story snippets pieced together to create the tapestry of a life. While this style will work well for a lot of readers, for me it often felt disjointed, too fragmented to form a whole picture. The writing itself has a poetic literary quality that I thoroughly enjoyed. The beauty of the words belies the darkness within the story they tell.
*I received an advance copy in exchange for my honest review.*
July 14, 2020
This memoir is right up there with those by Mary Karr and Cheryl Strayed. It's incredibly personal, honest, and gritty. I was immediately drawn in by her writing style, and how well it fits with her bits of memories that are revealed. This is a memoir about religion and the way being raised under those expectations shaped the author. It's about the ways she both conceded and rebelled. It's also about mental illness and the effects felt by those close to the ill person. The author's story resonated with me on a deep level in regard to her relationship with her mother, living with the knowledge that her mother was a part of her and the mental illness may manifest. She writes about people close to her with brutal honesty and also care. This is a memoir where the author cracks her chest open and shares everything with the reader. It's extremely powerful, I think all women should read it.
May 27, 2020
I want to talk about this book with every woman I know! First and foremost, Myer's prose is gorgeous. She's a poet and it shows. So many paragraphs I reread for their beauty. The story here is also gripping--it's a coming of age story fraught with peril, betrayal, adventure, and love. It also asks serious philosophical questions, like what it means to live in the world as a woman who has realized her purpose is bigger than making men happy. The voice is intimate as the reader brought along on the author's incredible journey to self-knowledge, which is really culture-knowledge: the troubles along Myer's path have given her a unique perspective on what it means to be a woman in the world. Such an important and necessary book, I only wish I had it as a companion in my 20s!
September 1, 2021
I'm not sure how I felt about this book entirely, or how to review it. It was haunting, powerful - but also hard to read, and at times felt a little disjointed. Caitlin Myer's reflections on her experience growing up in Mormonism, and the way the theme of "wiving" flowed through the whole book was powerful and caused me to think quite a bit. She has a way with words that made this book hard to put down. Yet, for a reason I can't quite pinpoint, it wasn't my favorite memoir. Maybe it didn't quite live up to the hype for me - not sure! Either way, interesting read.
August 8, 2020
An eye opener! Compelling, engrossing, beautifully, lyrically written--touches on so many topics, religion, feminism, mental health, family, growing up--I was greatly moved. Brava Caitlin!!
July 28, 2020
Note: I received a free copy of this book from Net Galley and am leaving this review voluntarily.
The first thing that caught my eye about Wiving by Caitlin Myer was the cover—full of color yet muted, the tones spoke to the desire for hope, however stunted that desire may be by circumstance. Next, I noticed the title. “Wiving?” I thought. “That’s unique. This has to be interesting.”
And it most certainly is.
As the author takes the reader on a painful, lonesome (but not altogether lonely), perplexing journey through the first half-century of her life, Myer recounts some of her most painful memories.
A childhood wrought with confusing messages about “a woman’s role”, how any sexual activity—consensual or forced—would ruin the woman’s reputation. Barriers set by the Mormon culture in Utah, meant to enforce the subservience and placidity of women. Familial discord and mental health struggles that impact children and medical negligence. The events that formed the youngest years of the author’s life are harrowing, many of which are part of the quiet scars so many of us bear.
These scars gained in youth form the path Caitlin Myer took through her early adulthood and into middle age, often finding herself in situations that ultimately added more scars to her heart. From wishy-washy, opportunistic, never-going-to-commit boyfriends to emotionally abusive, gaslighting partners, to a marriage so loving it was suffocating, Myer explores different versions of the “wifehood” she was prepared to seek, all the while knowing it isn’t what’s meant for her. After a medical crisis the author fully begins to shake free of the chains in which her upbringing bound her, setting out on a global quest for freedom—whatever that truly means to her.
Told in blunt terms and frank recollections, Wiving is the type of book I immediately texted my fellow survivor friends to say “I HIGHLY, highly, highly recommend this.” The thoughts and insights the author shares regarding the thought processes and ways in which multiple abusive events by various abusers changes one’s mindset, worldview, and self-worth are striking. Never before have I read a book and truly felt that my own thoughts were the words on the page, but Wiving is that book for me.
I wish I knew the words to thank Caitlin Myer for writing this book, as difficult as it may have been to recall such tortuous events.
This book absolutely deserves five stars for the message it shares and the way in which the author tells it. I started reading it at nearly midnight, and only when my eyes burned with exhaustion did I stop…only to pick it up again as soon as I awoke. I completely encourage survivors of abuse (especially an upbringing in a cult, gaslighting, and sexual abuse/assault) to read this book, and then find someone to share it with immediately. Wiving sets the standard for the type of memoir our culture needs.
The first thing that caught my eye about Wiving by Caitlin Myer was the cover—full of color yet muted, the tones spoke to the desire for hope, however stunted that desire may be by circumstance. Next, I noticed the title. “Wiving?” I thought. “That’s unique. This has to be interesting.”
And it most certainly is.
As the author takes the reader on a painful, lonesome (but not altogether lonely), perplexing journey through the first half-century of her life, Myer recounts some of her most painful memories.
A childhood wrought with confusing messages about “a woman’s role”, how any sexual activity—consensual or forced—would ruin the woman’s reputation. Barriers set by the Mormon culture in Utah, meant to enforce the subservience and placidity of women. Familial discord and mental health struggles that impact children and medical negligence. The events that formed the youngest years of the author’s life are harrowing, many of which are part of the quiet scars so many of us bear.
These scars gained in youth form the path Caitlin Myer took through her early adulthood and into middle age, often finding herself in situations that ultimately added more scars to her heart. From wishy-washy, opportunistic, never-going-to-commit boyfriends to emotionally abusive, gaslighting partners, to a marriage so loving it was suffocating, Myer explores different versions of the “wifehood” she was prepared to seek, all the while knowing it isn’t what’s meant for her. After a medical crisis the author fully begins to shake free of the chains in which her upbringing bound her, setting out on a global quest for freedom—whatever that truly means to her.
Told in blunt terms and frank recollections, Wiving is the type of book I immediately texted my fellow survivor friends to say “I HIGHLY, highly, highly recommend this.” The thoughts and insights the author shares regarding the thought processes and ways in which multiple abusive events by various abusers changes one’s mindset, worldview, and self-worth are striking. Never before have I read a book and truly felt that my own thoughts were the words on the page, but Wiving is that book for me.
I wish I knew the words to thank Caitlin Myer for writing this book, as difficult as it may have been to recall such tortuous events.
This book absolutely deserves five stars for the message it shares and the way in which the author tells it. I started reading it at nearly midnight, and only when my eyes burned with exhaustion did I stop…only to pick it up again as soon as I awoke. I completely encourage survivors of abuse (especially an upbringing in a cult, gaslighting, and sexual abuse/assault) to read this book, and then find someone to share it with immediately. Wiving sets the standard for the type of memoir our culture needs.
July 19, 2020
Wiving: A Memoir of Loving Then Leaving the Patriarchy by Caitlin Myer is a powerful memoir that speaks to the personal where it intersects with the institutional, whether the institution be religion, healthcare, or any of the other male-centric societal constructs.
The writing is personal and draws the reader in. I found myself not wanting to leave her side throughout the entire story. It was almost as if I felt I was offering support by not setting the book down while she was suffering or searching. Yeah, I know, sounds odd. But between the writing style (almost journal like except for the fact it is clearly reflective) and the events I was immediately invested in her journey.
While I would imagine that most women will relate to much of what is here, it is also a book that men need to read and think about as well. On one level, a lot of what she feels is common to all humans, so we can all relate to some aspect of it. What men often overlook or refuse to understand is that we live life with a great deal of privilege and entitlement. Myer writes this in such a way that, I hope, most men can at least try to understand that options we might consider matter-of-factly aren't usually avenues women can consider because of outside limitations from religion, culture, the legal system, the healthcare system, and just about every other institution that impacts our lives. It takes a great deal of courage to go against what everyone you know and love considers the "right" way. In fact, it can often mean institutionalization in one form or another.
While this does fall into the broad category of "escaping Mormonism" memoirs, this is really better understood as being about escaping any narrowly defined worldview that demands complete allegiance, whether it be a fundamental or orthodox version of a religion or any other belief system that controls and manipulates people. So yes, there are specific instances here that apply to the Mormons, but there are parallels with other such groups, such as contemporary faux-Christian cult of Evangelicalism "religions." I know, I live in Lynchburg, VA, home of one of the cult's main indoctrination centers, a faux university falsely called Liberty "University." Talk about evil incarnate!
Highly recommend this book to those who like memoirs that sweep the reader along.
Reviewed from a copy made available by the publisher via Edelweiss.
The writing is personal and draws the reader in. I found myself not wanting to leave her side throughout the entire story. It was almost as if I felt I was offering support by not setting the book down while she was suffering or searching. Yeah, I know, sounds odd. But between the writing style (almost journal like except for the fact it is clearly reflective) and the events I was immediately invested in her journey.
While I would imagine that most women will relate to much of what is here, it is also a book that men need to read and think about as well. On one level, a lot of what she feels is common to all humans, so we can all relate to some aspect of it. What men often overlook or refuse to understand is that we live life with a great deal of privilege and entitlement. Myer writes this in such a way that, I hope, most men can at least try to understand that options we might consider matter-of-factly aren't usually avenues women can consider because of outside limitations from religion, culture, the legal system, the healthcare system, and just about every other institution that impacts our lives. It takes a great deal of courage to go against what everyone you know and love considers the "right" way. In fact, it can often mean institutionalization in one form or another.
While this does fall into the broad category of "escaping Mormonism" memoirs, this is really better understood as being about escaping any narrowly defined worldview that demands complete allegiance, whether it be a fundamental or orthodox version of a religion or any other belief system that controls and manipulates people. So yes, there are specific instances here that apply to the Mormons, but there are parallels with other such groups, such as contemporary faux-Christian cult of Evangelicalism "religions." I know, I live in Lynchburg, VA, home of one of the cult's main indoctrination centers, a faux university falsely called Liberty "University." Talk about evil incarnate!
Highly recommend this book to those who like memoirs that sweep the reader along.
Reviewed from a copy made available by the publisher via Edelweiss.
October 3, 2020
Ravishingly bold and haunting memoir about growing up Mormon, 'wifely' expectations, mental illness, and sexual abuse.
I was immediately taken with this compassionately visceral and lyrical memoir by Caitlyn Myer. WIVING (Arcade Books/Skyhorse Publishing, July 2020) is so brave, so bold, all things laid bare account of the author's upbringing, but also abuse and personal sexuality.
Raised Utah in a traditional Mormon family, Caitlin Myer's life had an expected trajectory: she would attend church-related activities, hold on to her virginity, learn to be sweet and compliant, keep hope chest, and then when the time was right, she would marry and enter 'full womanhood.'
I read with such an urgency a worry and an impending sense of doom--things do not go to plan--as one might expect. As much as I loved WIVING, it's a challenge to summarize it in terms of plot--it comes to the reader in a fragmented, spiraling thread, and I love this structure. It's much like life in that sense, and in what I think encompasses the entirety of the narrative: grief. Myer grieves her childhood (or lack thereof), her womanhood, her marriages, her other relationships, her mother, her uterus, her religion, her mental health. And yet--it's all stitched together into a cohesive whole.
Here, we dive into the depths of such controversial and universal motifs of femininity (and feminism), religion, creativity, trauma, sex, depression, love, illness, and more. WIVING is meaty, clotted with strong visual images that will stay with you long after you turn the last page.
I was reminded, in part, of THE GLASS CASTLE (Jeanette Walls) meets EDUCATED (Tara Westover), and WHAT WE CARRY (Maya Lang).
For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
Special thanks to the author and Arcade Books for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.
I was immediately taken with this compassionately visceral and lyrical memoir by Caitlyn Myer. WIVING (Arcade Books/Skyhorse Publishing, July 2020) is so brave, so bold, all things laid bare account of the author's upbringing, but also abuse and personal sexuality.
Raised Utah in a traditional Mormon family, Caitlin Myer's life had an expected trajectory: she would attend church-related activities, hold on to her virginity, learn to be sweet and compliant, keep hope chest, and then when the time was right, she would marry and enter 'full womanhood.'
I read with such an urgency a worry and an impending sense of doom--things do not go to plan--as one might expect. As much as I loved WIVING, it's a challenge to summarize it in terms of plot--it comes to the reader in a fragmented, spiraling thread, and I love this structure. It's much like life in that sense, and in what I think encompasses the entirety of the narrative: grief. Myer grieves her childhood (or lack thereof), her womanhood, her marriages, her other relationships, her mother, her uterus, her religion, her mental health. And yet--it's all stitched together into a cohesive whole.
Here, we dive into the depths of such controversial and universal motifs of femininity (and feminism), religion, creativity, trauma, sex, depression, love, illness, and more. WIVING is meaty, clotted with strong visual images that will stay with you long after you turn the last page.
I was reminded, in part, of THE GLASS CASTLE (Jeanette Walls) meets EDUCATED (Tara Westover), and WHAT WE CARRY (Maya Lang).
For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
Special thanks to the author and Arcade Books for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.
December 14, 2020
This book is about one woman’s combat with a culture and her “escape” from religion at age twenty, only to find herself similarly entrapped in the gender conventions of the secular culture at large. It's about Caitlin's journey in finding what it means to be a woman and her journey of breaking free from patriarchy.
This book touches on how Caitlin was being brought up in Mormon society and how she was expecting to get married and have kids once she was born as a daughter. It was frustrating to read this book and seeing her falling in and out of these expectations. She was also raped multiple times, ever since she was a kid up till she was an adult. She could barely talk about all those sexual assaults to anyone and when she did, she didn't dare to tell the full detail of the situation because her mindset and her upbringing held her back.
Besides all of the pertinent issues discussed about Caitlin's life, this book felt very detached for me. I felt sympathy towards her but maybe because the experience is too personal, I felt disconnected with the story, almost the entire time. However, the narrator's growth was evident (even if it was a bit too strong and forceful), I'm glad to stick with her story till the end.
This book touches on how Caitlin was being brought up in Mormon society and how she was expecting to get married and have kids once she was born as a daughter. It was frustrating to read this book and seeing her falling in and out of these expectations. She was also raped multiple times, ever since she was a kid up till she was an adult. She could barely talk about all those sexual assaults to anyone and when she did, she didn't dare to tell the full detail of the situation because her mindset and her upbringing held her back.
Besides all of the pertinent issues discussed about Caitlin's life, this book felt very detached for me. I felt sympathy towards her but maybe because the experience is too personal, I felt disconnected with the story, almost the entire time. However, the narrator's growth was evident (even if it was a bit too strong and forceful), I'm glad to stick with her story till the end.
July 25, 2020
Wiving is the second of three books I read at the same time that have a sexual abuse history in the story. All three of the books were quite heavy, but filled with importance. In Wiving, we learn that the author experienced this abuse from a church elder. Even if it may seems startling, it's not. It's typical. At least in my opinion. It's always the most religiously upheld people that cause most of the problems. And one of the main reasons, I do not like organized religion. Or Christianity.
But I digress.
Wiving is a story of how many times the author was "wived" to someone who either assaulted her, or she mistakenly found herself in a bad situation. I remember when I was a child, growing up in the church, my mother told me that the first (and only, in her eyes) man I slept with, would be my husband. This bothered me in so many ways. And to see a book written in that frame of mind, that the author was "wived" to all these men, made me sad, and heartbroken for all of us who have been at the hands of the abusers.
It's a beautiful story, no matter how heartbreaking.
Wiving publishes 7.28.2020.
5/5 Stars
But I digress.
Wiving is a story of how many times the author was "wived" to someone who either assaulted her, or she mistakenly found herself in a bad situation. I remember when I was a child, growing up in the church, my mother told me that the first (and only, in her eyes) man I slept with, would be my husband. This bothered me in so many ways. And to see a book written in that frame of mind, that the author was "wived" to all these men, made me sad, and heartbroken for all of us who have been at the hands of the abusers.
It's a beautiful story, no matter how heartbreaking.
Wiving publishes 7.28.2020.
5/5 Stars
September 2, 2020
I am gutted. Caitlin Myer's memoir, Wiving, is unlike any other memoir I've read. It's a story known to many women: patriarchy, conservative religious upbringing, traditional gender roles, sexual assault and rape, marriage, family, physical health issues, and mental health. Still, the way Myer reveals her story is methodical, dreamlike at times - admitting her own likelihood that events are not as she as remembers and yet EXACTLY as she remembers, and the things she survives will gut you.
The book is broken into parts, and within each part are examples of the numerous ways in which she has played a wife to someone. She also includes parts of stories from the Bible's Yael and Judith figures who broke from their roles as wives to become warriors. At times, the timeline can be a little confusing, but overall I didn't think the timeline even mattered all that much. The book was about relationships - those with a romantic partner, an abusive partner, those with our parents, and the most important one, the one with our own self. Myer has had to overcome a lot to carve her own way. I think her book is poetic, raw, and very vulnerable.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advance copy.
The book is broken into parts, and within each part are examples of the numerous ways in which she has played a wife to someone. She also includes parts of stories from the Bible's Yael and Judith figures who broke from their roles as wives to become warriors. At times, the timeline can be a little confusing, but overall I didn't think the timeline even mattered all that much. The book was about relationships - those with a romantic partner, an abusive partner, those with our parents, and the most important one, the one with our own self. Myer has had to overcome a lot to carve her own way. I think her book is poetic, raw, and very vulnerable.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advance copy.
July 21, 2020
I was captured from the first page- this book is heartbreakingly beautiful.
With each poetic phrase, author Caitlin Myer details her story of growing up in and leaving the Mormon church, her struggle with the deeply prevalent patriarchy, the complexity of family, the devastation of multiple sexual assaults, and her constant battle to outrun mental illness. (CW: some sexual encounters, including sexual assaults, are described explicitly.)
Despite the weightiness of these topics, "Wiving" never felt over-done or over wrought. The author bounced forward and backward through her life story, but it never seemed disjointed or confusing. I wondered what a "happy ending" to this story might look like, and whatever that night be, I think Myer comes very close. She seems to have fully processed her story and is becoming "at home" in her own skin. I hope that she has found peace.
My thanks to #NetGalley, the author and publisher for the opportunity to read and review this book. The pleasure was all mine. #Wiving
With each poetic phrase, author Caitlin Myer details her story of growing up in and leaving the Mormon church, her struggle with the deeply prevalent patriarchy, the complexity of family, the devastation of multiple sexual assaults, and her constant battle to outrun mental illness. (CW: some sexual encounters, including sexual assaults, are described explicitly.)
Despite the weightiness of these topics, "Wiving" never felt over-done or over wrought. The author bounced forward and backward through her life story, but it never seemed disjointed or confusing. I wondered what a "happy ending" to this story might look like, and whatever that night be, I think Myer comes very close. She seems to have fully processed her story and is becoming "at home" in her own skin. I hope that she has found peace.
My thanks to #NetGalley, the author and publisher for the opportunity to read and review this book. The pleasure was all mine. #Wiving
July 26, 2020
Caitlin Myer tells her story of growing up, with a mom suffering from mental illness, in a patriarchal religious society with a brutal honesty that drew me into her story and kept me reading with interest and longing to see how she overcomes each of the challenges that she faced. She tells intimate details of her story with notice of the emotions at the time, but also with the lens of looking back at the experience with what she knows now. Watching her come to understand that she is not at fault for sexual assault, and then learning to believe that truth and act on the knowledge that she is not on this earth to please anyone, protect anyone, serve anyone, and that she on her own, as herself, is worthy of taking up space in the world, was a journey I was honored to take with her throughout this amazing, well written memoir. There are parts of her story that will resonate with far too many women in our society today. This was a brave and open look at the toughest parts of being a woman and I was hooked from beginning to end!
July 30, 2020
I started this book with some reluctance. From the description it wasn't clear if this was a true memoir--that is, a narrative built around actual incidents--or more of a meditation on feminism glossed over with personal anecdotes. Luckily, for me at least, it's the former.
At first the back-and-forth in time was jarring, especially at the beginning--why are we rewinding to childhood when the title is Wiving? (It becomes clear later.) Once the majority of the narrative switched to her growing up years, I tended to skim whenever she abruptly returned to her adulthood. Other readers may not mind this as much.
But the writing is peak-Margaret-Atwood-gorgeous. Seriously, this book will slice you open. While the theme of Wiving didn't always feel cohesive, the subject matter recalls No One Tells You This, The Sound of Gravel, and Girl at the End of the World, in all the very best ways.
Content warning for rape and assault--be kind to yourself. It is easy to see these scenes coming if you prefer to skip them. I received a copy from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
At first the back-and-forth in time was jarring, especially at the beginning--why are we rewinding to childhood when the title is Wiving? (It becomes clear later.) Once the majority of the narrative switched to her growing up years, I tended to skim whenever she abruptly returned to her adulthood. Other readers may not mind this as much.
But the writing is peak-Margaret-Atwood-gorgeous. Seriously, this book will slice you open. While the theme of Wiving didn't always feel cohesive, the subject matter recalls No One Tells You This, The Sound of Gravel, and Girl at the End of the World, in all the very best ways.
Content warning for rape and assault--be kind to yourself. It is easy to see these scenes coming if you prefer to skip them. I received a copy from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
July 30, 2020
(Trigger Warning: episodes of abuse, neglect, assault, rape and violence)
With marathon momentum Catlin Myer dances through time, she, her own troubadour, crafts an epic prose poem of her resistance and rebellion against patriarchal religion and culture. With WIVING Myer pushes the narrative and representation of the #metoo movement yet father into the foreground of consciousness. This book belongs to the cannon of truth-sayers. This book is a work of art. Art isn’t always beautiful, but there is beauty in her rebellion.
Wiving will stay with you. Wiving will become a part of your lexicon and Myer’s brave testimonial will be a mirror or illuminate the experiences not spoken about but tied to womanhood. It will spotlight imbalance and the margins where oppression operates. This book is a brutally honest triumph about existing alone, as a woman in a man’s world where none of us comes out unscathed. This book isn’t easy; it’s important.
With marathon momentum Catlin Myer dances through time, she, her own troubadour, crafts an epic prose poem of her resistance and rebellion against patriarchal religion and culture. With WIVING Myer pushes the narrative and representation of the #metoo movement yet father into the foreground of consciousness. This book belongs to the cannon of truth-sayers. This book is a work of art. Art isn’t always beautiful, but there is beauty in her rebellion.
Wiving will stay with you. Wiving will become a part of your lexicon and Myer’s brave testimonial will be a mirror or illuminate the experiences not spoken about but tied to womanhood. It will spotlight imbalance and the margins where oppression operates. This book is a brutally honest triumph about existing alone, as a woman in a man’s world where none of us comes out unscathed. This book isn’t easy; it’s important.
July 7, 2020
Thank you to the author, Skyhorse Publishing and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
I loved the cover, which was what caught my eye, and the book - wow. This is a gripping, emotionally raw and utterly absorbing memoir of a young woman born into a place and family that on the one hand restricted her completely in terms of her role as a woman in Mormonism, and on the other hand gave her much too much freedom. As a child, with parents who were too caught up in their own struggles to take care of her, she felt abandoned and alone, and struck out on her own. This is fraught with danger, and there is quite a bit of sexual violence (trigger warning) - but there are also beautifully written explorations of larger philosophical issues like the role of women in society, and giving your life purpose and direction. Highly recommended!
I loved the cover, which was what caught my eye, and the book - wow. This is a gripping, emotionally raw and utterly absorbing memoir of a young woman born into a place and family that on the one hand restricted her completely in terms of her role as a woman in Mormonism, and on the other hand gave her much too much freedom. As a child, with parents who were too caught up in their own struggles to take care of her, she felt abandoned and alone, and struck out on her own. This is fraught with danger, and there is quite a bit of sexual violence (trigger warning) - but there are also beautifully written explorations of larger philosophical issues like the role of women in society, and giving your life purpose and direction. Highly recommended!
February 10, 2021
'Wiving' is a searing, provocative account of one woman’s struggle to escape expectations, both those imposed by her Mormon upbringing and the even harsher ones she places on herself, which pursue her no matter how far she runs. “How much women do, how completely we have stripped ourselves down for love, for approval, for attention, that searchlight that we believe will hold back the dark of loneliness,” Caitlin Myer writes in this memoir. I read 'Wiving' with worry, horror, compassion, sadness, and ultimately admiration at her courage and resilience. I wanted to cheer her on, to tell her not to give up, to ask her to stop beating herself up, all the while realizing that this journey is one only the author can take, and it unfolds within herself. This book is a good choice for readers of 'The Glass Castle' by Jeannette Walls.
November 27, 2022
A sad life of how damaging toxic organizing religion is. At least the author was able to get away, but with the way she wrote and her references, I feel a part of that religion is so ingrained that it could never fully be away.
The amount of sexual abuse one person can encounter is astonishing. It is said that predators can essentially smell an easy target, and with her self worth so low that she couldn't fully recognize her assaults, it's unfortunate that you can see why it kept happening.
I wish there was more story about her traveling. About 3/4 through the book, it got quite enjoyable, I thought it would be three stars, but ultimately I didn't enjoy it much. You wouldn't be missing much if you skipped this one, but it's a quick read.
The amount of sexual abuse one person can encounter is astonishing. It is said that predators can essentially smell an easy target, and with her self worth so low that she couldn't fully recognize her assaults, it's unfortunate that you can see why it kept happening.
I wish there was more story about her traveling. About 3/4 through the book, it got quite enjoyable, I thought it would be three stars, but ultimately I didn't enjoy it much. You wouldn't be missing much if you skipped this one, but it's a quick read.
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