The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends

by Natalie Madorsky Elman, Eileen Kennedy-Moore

This practical and compassionate handbook helps parents sharpen any child's social skills by identifying the "unwritten rules" that govern all relationships.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Friendship, Education, Self Help, Relationships, Reference

340 pages, Paperback

First published September 3, 2003

About the author

Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, is a psychologist with a private practice in Princeton, NJ. She's the author of an award-winning childrens book, "What About Me? 12 Ways to Get Your Parents' Attention Without Hitting Your Sister" (Parenting Press), & co-author of a book for parents, "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends" (Little, Brown). Dr. Kennedy-Moore is a lively & informative speaker who often presents at schools, conferences, & community events."

Reviews

[Trace · Rating 3 out of 5]

I both liked and disliked this book.

Each chapter focuses on a different personality type with different "rules" for each type. I wasn't sure I liked seeing my son described quite so accurately in such an unflattering light when I read the personality types Different Drummer and Little Adult. It was a bit eerie.

What I liked about this book is that the 'rules' (or strategies - I cringe at the use of the word 'rules' in this context) actually made sense and gave me something tangible to work with. There were also some great suggestions for activities to reinforce the 'unwritten rules'.

What I really DISLIKED like about this book is how much it stressed the idea of conformity and 'fitting in'. On more than one occasion it stressed the importance the idea of having your child follow the latest fads in order to fit in. On another occasion the author actually talks about how only the 'popular' children have a bit more leeway in being eccentric, that children who have trouble with friendships should focus more on blending in.

Maybe its the counter-cultural part of me that really resists the notion that children should be taught to "fit in" in order to make friends. I really think that its a slippery slope to follow. And besides, the world NEEDS more people who feel comfortable swimming against the tide and standing up for what they believe in.

But I've definitely taken some really good strategies to help my only-child become even more comfortable in getting past the acquaintance phase to the friendship phase with the children we regularly spend time with.

[Andrea M · Rating 4 out of 5]

The ideas in this book are geared to the youngest kids in elementary school however if you need it for an older kid, chances are they need to learn the basics in order to understand the complexities of teenage social situations. I like how the chapters are organized around nine stereotypical kids and their strengths and weaknesses. The suggestions for learning and practicing social skills are very practical. For example, in dealing with a bully, kids can use the "bored" look or roll their eyes which suggests to the bully that his taunts are not having much effect. Unwritten rules for shy kids includes, being where the action is, blending in, and not standing on the fringes. Strategies include positive self-talk, greeting people you know, not looking away and giving an honest compliment. This is a book that works well as a guide for parents wanting to have a discussion with kids about what to do and what not to do.

[Eileen Kennedy-Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wrote this book with Natalie Elman. It describes nine types of typical children who struggle socially. It explains the social guidelines that these children haven't managed to pick up on their own and offers practical ways that parents and teachers can help.

[Florence · Rating 1 out of 5]

I just had a thumb through and decided not to read thoroughly. It seemed a bit formula driven and text book. What I thought was lacking was the lack of material on developing a person's perception, intuition, and how to judge others and respond to their differences. I also felt there was a lack of developing confidence in light of discovering their personality traits. And it would have been useful to explore the potential of using children's groups in light of appreciating each type of personality. Maybe these authors are brilliant therapists in practise, but this written tutorial didn't do much for my knowledge base. Teachers should be recognising bad behaviour and informing parents and assisting in getting to the bottom of the situation besides bulking up the quiet more sensitive or under confident. It all comes down to engaging with those that generate positive happy experiences and staying away from bullies and trouble makers. The bullies or overzealous need to be made aware there are others to consider and they need to be separated out so they aren't held in high esteem and can maybe work in a special group to understand their issues. The quicker youngsters can feel confident in who they are the sooner they can develop and explore other roles. X

[Marni · Rating 1 out of 5]

I very much disliked this book. It is completely out of date in terms of child psychology. The authors constantly recommend teaching children to mask and hide their true selves, rather than helping them to find real friends. For example, a clearly gifted kid should just learn that “they don’t always have to show that they are smart.” A child being teased should just be less sensitive. Ugh. Skip this one.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The profiles in this book were very helpful and some of the exercises were, as well. My challenge is having a daughter who has both receptive and expressive language delays, many of these suggestions and exercises are beyond her abilities. It did have good hints for playdates and supporting interactions, and made me feel less like I was being a helicopter mom, more of an advocate.

[Danielle Inglis · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wonder whether this book is a bit outdated now almost 20 years on. When I told my daughter's not to cry in class as it made them vulnerable to being targeted, they were quite astounded. It seems quite normal now a days to cry in front of your peers, which to be honest I support as expressing your emotions should be encouraged but not sure what is 'real' versus 'ideal'

[Candice · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not a read through/ audible appropriate book. I have it in hard copy and it involved jumping between the different ‘types’ of children and seeking the things they need to support friendships.
Low on the ways to generally build a child’s friend making abilities.

[Steve · Rating 2 out of 5]

It seemed to overapply a simple formula and was a bit odd. Maybe just skim some sections and see what works for you.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic, kind advice for kids who mean well but sometimes need some guidance

[Marissa Morrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of practical advice for parents and teachers to help guide children toward the kind of behavior that will make people want to be their friends. I appreciated the overall message that if an adult finds a kid's behavior irksome, then other kids will be annoyed also, so the adult should step in and help tweak the kid's comportment.

The authors identify 9 kinds of children who will need help socially--the Shy Child, the Different Drummer, the Born Leader, etc.--and devote a chapter to each. At the end of each chapter there's a list of straightforward tips for that kind of child. (Some of the tips made me smile, like "You can't make friends with people by annoying them," "Even if something is funny the first time, the second time, it's not," and "Nobody wants to be grossed out.") Even without doing the exercises in this book, it seems like just using all these tips as conversation starters with any kid (regardless of personality type) would get him or her thinking about how to act in order to get along better with others.

[Anastasia · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I don't agree with every last thing in this book, I've found this to be one of the most concrete, hands-on, helpful books on parenting I have read in ages. Especially for families who are trying to raise their children in an "idealistic" way (i.e., Attachment parenting, etc.), this book can give helpful strategies when those kids confront the realities of how many elementary school kids behave. There's definitely a big gap between how things should be and how they really are--- and this book can help parents teach their children how to navigate that place, and hopefully, remain true to themselves while also finding a way to fit in with peers.

[Starry · Rating 5 out of 5]

At halfway through this library book, I already had more than 20 bookmarkers in place so I can re-visit certain passages. Might be worth buying so I can highlight and re-read.

This book was recommended by the school principal (who I greatly respect) during a parent Q&A. It speaks not just to behaviors that might prevent your child from making or keeping friends but also has useful suggestions for improving behaviors around the house: in our case keeping a certain young man from dominating conversations and a certain young lady from whining.

[Renee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be extremely helpful, very timely, and wisely practical. The authors break down the kiddie population into nine different types of children, and then address each type's assets and deficiencies when it comes to making friends. Especially helpful are the checklists and exercises designed to create proficiency for the child needing to overcome social weaknesses. This book is a wonderful resource for parents and teachers.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the more helpful parenting books I've read. The authors profile a bunch of different styles of interacting (the shy child, the born leader, the different drummer...), and explain how their behavior can be off-putting to their peers. Then they spell out the unwritten rules for how others expect you to behave. They also give activities to practice the rules. I found so many helpful tips for my kids (and myself). I'm going to buy this book so we can refer to it often.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great resource for anyone who wants to understand how to help their kids through emotional troubles. It has helpful words and some activities that even if you don't use directly, show you that communicating with your child may take deliberate planning, words and actions. I wish it were entirely easy, but when it's not , I like to have some places to check for good advice...I think this book is a prime candidate for that role.

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a read of it, it was a great book. Despite the fact that it was interlibrary loan and I had it for 6 weeks, I still could not finish it on time. Very useful book with lots of activities and suggestions for helping your child who might have social skill issues.

I will have to take it out again and read try to finish it!

[Tiffany · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't read this book and I only scanned it for two reasons. One, I found that it's written for elementary aged children, and my daughter is in middle school. Two, she does not have any social problems, which is what the book is about. I had been hoping it was a book for normal kids who could just use some additional information on friendship, but it is not.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Admittedly I skimmed most of the book but it definitely seems like a helpful book for parents who want to help their kids with social skills. There were very specific steps, games and tips to help parents teach these skills to their kids.

[Sarah Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book is one of the best books I have read that deals with the social minefield of childhood. I like that it gives tools to help parents teach these unwritten social rules. a great help for me and my sensitive kiddo.

[Victoria Shepherd · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is clearly set out, accessibly written, and full of practical advice. Provided helpful insight into the motivation and behaviour of children and also includes teacher/parent suggestions, which are crucial.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book for a lesson on friendship for a group of 8-9 year old girls. It didn't work out to be helpful for a group setting but fantastic for suggestions for a specific child.

I want to re-read this as my daughter gets older.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting. Something to come back to as the kids grow...
Only serves as a reminder just how much there is to learn as you grow. Strange to think that it could be so hard to be a little kid.

[Huda Fel · Rating 5 out of 5]

You would know what the book talks about from it's name.
You also may get a good use of it if you're doing a research or something.

[Tracey]

Leah is reading this book and suggested it to Geoff and I so we could "all be on the same" page for Zack. Ordered it from Amazon and am looking forward to reading it...

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for any parent whose child is having friendship difficulties.

[Joanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous! Full of rich descriptions and many tips to help parents help their children. The 'typologies' and others are very helpful.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful for everyone, not just children, to understand different personalities and how to work/play together in harmony.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Can't we all just get along? You will recognize your kids, their friends, classmates, yourself, and loved ones in this sensible, helpful book.

[Marcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must come back to this again as the personalities of more children emerge! Helpful hints and conversation tips.