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Living the Life Unexpected: How to find hope, meaning and a fulfilling future without children
Across the globe, millions of women are reaching their mid-forties without having had a child. Although some are child-free by choice, many others are childless by circumstance and are struggling in a life they didn't foresee. Most people think that women without children either "couldn't" or "didn't want to" be mothers. The truth is much more complex. Jody Day would have liked to have had children, but it didn't work out that way. At the age of 44 she realized that her quest to be a mother was at an end. She presumed that she was through the toughest part, but over the next couple of years she was hit by waves of grief, despair and isolation. Eventually she found her way and created the Gateway Women Network, helping many thousands of women worldwide. Here she addresses the taboo of childlessness and provides a powerful, practical 12-week guide to help women come to terms with their grief, and to move on to live creative, happy, meaningful, and fulfilling lives without children. Previously titled Rocking the Life Unexpected , this inspiring and practical guide to a life without children has been extensively revised and updated, and includes significant additional content including extracts from the stories of 24 women and two men from around the world.
- GenresNonfictionSelf Help
416 pages, Paperback
Published March 19, 2020
44 people are currently reading
403 people want to read
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December 8, 2021
It feels ridiculous to say this out loud, but I'm dealing with a lot of shame even to include this book in my Goodreads list and to give it five stars. I also wrote one version and deleted it. For two reasons - 1) Shame. I feel shame for feeling this sad about not having children. Bad feminist! 2) To tell the world that I read this book and related to it gives my journey/hope a finality that I am not quite ready for. Am I indeed childless? Maybe there is still hope?
Which is why I needed to read it. If you are reading this, it means I did muster some courage to click the Post button, after all.
In much of the media that I consume and among progressive-minded people that I hang out with, there are only two types of conversations - challenges of parenting/motherhood and/or child-free status. Both are valid concerns. But there is a loneliness to childlessness.
To be child-free is a choice. To be childless is involuntary. I'll spare you my story. Need another dose of courage for that. What is relevant to this review is that I know very few women who are childless and single. Most of my friends don't have children (also relevant to this review) but they are either childfree or not as sad about it as I am. They've all been supportive, of course. But reading some quotes from this book, I felt as if Jody Day was writing from my brain.
There are many reasons why women who desire children end up childless. While there are biological infertility issues, there is increasingly the issue of "social infertility." You are single or find yourself with a partner who does not want children; you are a member of the LGBT community or you get divorced at a time when your fertility goes for a deep dive. Why not go alone? There are sperm banks all over the country. Fertility treatments are expensive and are often not covered by health insurance. Mine wasn't. Well, my health insurance does not cover most abortions (it covers abortion if the person was raped) or fertility treatments. So yay patriarchy! Moreover, most IVF (Invitro Fertilization) treatments fail in the case of older women (old here refers to >37). Multiple rounds of IVF leave many people in debt. Yes, I have seen all the celebrities who had children in their late forties. But that is not the norm, Day reminds us! I've always thought gender bias was a social phenomenon, but this year, I got a rude awakening of how nature and society are allies in gender bias. After 37, women's fertility does start falling down a cliff.
Why don't you "just" adopt?
Another comment you probably shouldn't make to a childless woman. Newsflash - she's probably considered it. In the US, the for-profit adoption industry is quite an ethical minefield. Very rarely do we hear adoptee stories. When one does listen, one realizes quickly that adoption is not the beautiful thing it is made out to be. Though this book does not cover it, adoption in the US is not a "why don't you just" option for many people. Private adoption is expensive, a commodification process, and the adoption process may also break down for various reasons. If you are not a US citizen, immigration rules make it difficult (almost impossible) for you to adopt domestically or internationally. This affects Asian Indians (maybe Chinese people to some extent) the most given our long wait-times for Green card and citizenship.
While the book offers a useful context to the grief of childlessness, my five stars are for how the book offered the emotional support I needed so badly. The grief of childlessness is quite unique in that you are grieving something that you never had. How do you grieve an embryo in a test tube? I didn't know how to access my grief. As I mentioned earlier, I have amazingly supportive family and friends, but none of them are childless. So it's difficult to find someone who relates to your grief as an “independent" woman who desires to have children. I couldn't even cry. For months.
Maybe it was therapy (shout out to my amazing therapist at Listener's Collective https://thelistenerscollective.org/wh...), but reading Jodi Day was affirming in so many ways. Someone was articulating my fears for me. When you acknowledge your fears, it loses its power a little bit. You can move from a state of paralysis and sadness to action. Most importantly, I could sit with my grief. Your grief doesn't disappear, but you can learn to grow around it (paraphrased from the book). Perhaps the best thing I recognized about myself from the book was how I was putting off "living" until I have a child to share my life with. What would it take to live now?
The book offers some exercises that encourage you to remind yourself that you are much more than a childless person.
The book has exercises that draw on a method that my therapist also suggested - logotherapy - to think of your life as one based on values and meaning. This exercise made me realize that I do have a very meaningful life at present, irrespective of whether I have children or not. When she asks me to think of the times when I am in "flow," it came easily to me. Teaching and research are deeply fulfilling for me. That said, it also reminded me that I have some human need for connection. But perhaps, I can re-think how to build those human connections. This is not an easy re-wiring for me. I struggle and need help with that. But articulating those needs and fears was very useful.
The book also reminded me that in many ways, I had some advantages already. The book points out that many women do not have role models of child-less or childfree women in their lives. Well, almost all of my friends and my favorite feminist mentor are child-free people who live very rich lives. Role models, I have plenty :) The book also talks about hurtful comments from friends and family. As I read them, I realized I am surrounded by wonderful people. Most people I know, including mothers, have been extraordinarily kind to me. As I shared my IVF stories, women shared their experiences of miscarriages with me. Given how common it is, the silence around miscarriage is deafening. My mom, unlike the moms of many women in the book, has been my biggest support system. I've never felt closer to my mother than I did through this experience.
This book is written for those who have decided they are child-less. According to Day, giving up the hope of motherhood is critical to start living in the present. I am not there yet. Choosing the finality of childlessness is scary. I would have to change how I live and how I envision my future. What this book did for me was to nudge me to consider not fearing that new future. With empathy, Day opens me to the possibility of a different type of fulfilling and meaningful life that awaits me if and when I decide to embrace the dreaded full stop at the end of my motherhood hope journey.
If you are childless and want to feel a little less alone, I highly recommend this book.
Which is why I needed to read it. If you are reading this, it means I did muster some courage to click the Post button, after all.
In much of the media that I consume and among progressive-minded people that I hang out with, there are only two types of conversations - challenges of parenting/motherhood and/or child-free status. Both are valid concerns. But there is a loneliness to childlessness.
To be child-free is a choice. To be childless is involuntary. I'll spare you my story. Need another dose of courage for that. What is relevant to this review is that I know very few women who are childless and single. Most of my friends don't have children (also relevant to this review) but they are either childfree or not as sad about it as I am. They've all been supportive, of course. But reading some quotes from this book, I felt as if Jody Day was writing from my brain.
There are many reasons why women who desire children end up childless. While there are biological infertility issues, there is increasingly the issue of "social infertility." You are single or find yourself with a partner who does not want children; you are a member of the LGBT community or you get divorced at a time when your fertility goes for a deep dive. Why not go alone? There are sperm banks all over the country. Fertility treatments are expensive and are often not covered by health insurance. Mine wasn't. Well, my health insurance does not cover most abortions (it covers abortion if the person was raped) or fertility treatments. So yay patriarchy! Moreover, most IVF (Invitro Fertilization) treatments fail in the case of older women (old here refers to >37). Multiple rounds of IVF leave many people in debt. Yes, I have seen all the celebrities who had children in their late forties. But that is not the norm, Day reminds us! I've always thought gender bias was a social phenomenon, but this year, I got a rude awakening of how nature and society are allies in gender bias. After 37, women's fertility does start falling down a cliff.
Why don't you "just" adopt?
Another comment you probably shouldn't make to a childless woman. Newsflash - she's probably considered it. In the US, the for-profit adoption industry is quite an ethical minefield. Very rarely do we hear adoptee stories. When one does listen, one realizes quickly that adoption is not the beautiful thing it is made out to be. Though this book does not cover it, adoption in the US is not a "why don't you just" option for many people. Private adoption is expensive, a commodification process, and the adoption process may also break down for various reasons. If you are not a US citizen, immigration rules make it difficult (almost impossible) for you to adopt domestically or internationally. This affects Asian Indians (maybe Chinese people to some extent) the most given our long wait-times for Green card and citizenship.
While the book offers a useful context to the grief of childlessness, my five stars are for how the book offered the emotional support I needed so badly. The grief of childlessness is quite unique in that you are grieving something that you never had. How do you grieve an embryo in a test tube? I didn't know how to access my grief. As I mentioned earlier, I have amazingly supportive family and friends, but none of them are childless. So it's difficult to find someone who relates to your grief as an “independent" woman who desires to have children. I couldn't even cry. For months.
Maybe it was therapy (shout out to my amazing therapist at Listener's Collective https://thelistenerscollective.org/wh...), but reading Jodi Day was affirming in so many ways. Someone was articulating my fears for me. When you acknowledge your fears, it loses its power a little bit. You can move from a state of paralysis and sadness to action. Most importantly, I could sit with my grief. Your grief doesn't disappear, but you can learn to grow around it (paraphrased from the book). Perhaps the best thing I recognized about myself from the book was how I was putting off "living" until I have a child to share my life with. What would it take to live now?
The book offers some exercises that encourage you to remind yourself that you are much more than a childless person.
The book has exercises that draw on a method that my therapist also suggested - logotherapy - to think of your life as one based on values and meaning. This exercise made me realize that I do have a very meaningful life at present, irrespective of whether I have children or not. When she asks me to think of the times when I am in "flow," it came easily to me. Teaching and research are deeply fulfilling for me. That said, it also reminded me that I have some human need for connection. But perhaps, I can re-think how to build those human connections. This is not an easy re-wiring for me. I struggle and need help with that. But articulating those needs and fears was very useful.
The book also reminded me that in many ways, I had some advantages already. The book points out that many women do not have role models of child-less or childfree women in their lives. Well, almost all of my friends and my favorite feminist mentor are child-free people who live very rich lives. Role models, I have plenty :) The book also talks about hurtful comments from friends and family. As I read them, I realized I am surrounded by wonderful people. Most people I know, including mothers, have been extraordinarily kind to me. As I shared my IVF stories, women shared their experiences of miscarriages with me. Given how common it is, the silence around miscarriage is deafening. My mom, unlike the moms of many women in the book, has been my biggest support system. I've never felt closer to my mother than I did through this experience.
This book is written for those who have decided they are child-less. According to Day, giving up the hope of motherhood is critical to start living in the present. I am not there yet. Choosing the finality of childlessness is scary. I would have to change how I live and how I envision my future. What this book did for me was to nudge me to consider not fearing that new future. With empathy, Day opens me to the possibility of a different type of fulfilling and meaningful life that awaits me if and when I decide to embrace the dreaded full stop at the end of my motherhood hope journey.
If you are childless and want to feel a little less alone, I highly recommend this book.
March 20, 2020
If you choose one book on the subject of childlessness make it this one.
I wholeheartedly recommend this book. Jody writes in a way that is relatable and helps you feel that you are not alone or going crazy.
The chapters are set out brilliantly, written empathically and full of insight. You will have multiple light bulb moments as you turn the pages of this book.
Jody is our hero of the Childress tribe, this is a handbook that you will refer to again and again.
Thank you for this book.
I wholeheartedly recommend this book. Jody writes in a way that is relatable and helps you feel that you are not alone or going crazy.
The chapters are set out brilliantly, written empathically and full of insight. You will have multiple light bulb moments as you turn the pages of this book.
Jody is our hero of the Childress tribe, this is a handbook that you will refer to again and again.
Thank you for this book.
April 3, 2021
I didn't feel that I quite fitted into the target audience for this book, as I am childfree by choice rather than circumstance. But even though some of the exercises weren't helpful to me, there were still plenty of thought-provoking questions and exercises that did help me to think about how I create a sense of purpose in my life.
July 29, 2025
Jody Day is a rock star in the childless-not-by-choice (CNBC) community. Since founding Gateway Women in 2011 (a support & friendship network for CNBCers), her blog posts and articles, videos, meetups and workshops, as well as her personal warmth, generosity and wise advice, have helped thousands of involuntarily childless women around the world (including me!) to think more positively about themselves and their futures.
"Living the Life Unexpected" had its genesis in a 2013 book -- crowdfunded by Gateway Women from around the world and self-published by Jody -- called "Rocking the Life Unexpected." In 2016, it was renamed and republished as "Living the Life Unexpected" by Bluebird (Pan Macmillan). This new edition is being published on March 20th, 2020, just in time for Mother's Day/Mothering Sunday in the United Kingdom (on Sunday, March 22nd).
I found Jody's Gateway Women blog early in its existence, and read "Rocking the Life Unexpected" back in January 2014. This new edition includes more of everything that made the book such a great, invaluable read in its previous incarnations. It's a mixture of personal stories (Jody's own, plus the voices of some 40 other childless women -- and a few men!), historical background/cultural commentary (including some eye-opening statistics -- we're definitely not alone in being childless), and self-help guidance, including questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about your childless life. (These are similar to the exercises used in Gateway Women's Reignite weekends and Online Bee courses.)
If you are struggling with involuntary childlessness, this book is an absolute must-read. I only wish it had been around when I was first coming to terms with the realization that my childless life would be permanent. It would also be a great one to recommend (or simply hand over) to friends & family members who want to better understand & support you (but aren't quite sure how to do that). Five stars.
*** *** ***
(January 2023) "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day is (quite rightly) regarded by many childless women as the "bible" for learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I own and have read all three editions of the book -- and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me. Over the past year, I've been re-reading the book again, chapter by chapter, working through (many of) the exercises (something I hadn't really done on past readings) and discussing them at monthly Zoom calls in the company of a small group of other childless women from around the world, all of us members of a private online support community.
This book -- known within the community by the acronym "LTLU" -- remains an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward. You don't HAVE to do the exercises, of course -- there is still plenty of benefit to be gained from reading the book without doing them -- but they're a great way to explore your thoughts and gain new insights -- and working through the book with other childless women, as I've been doing over the past year, is a fabulous way to gain new perspectives (and get to know some wonderful other childless women better, too!).
As we've now completed all 12 chapters and our year-long exploration of the book, I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands. :)
*** *** ***
(January 21, 2024) "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is essential reading for women like me who are learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I've read this book multiple times now, on my own and in a discussion group setting, and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me.
There are many more books out there now about life without children than there were a decade ago -- but this one continues to be an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward.
We recently completed all 12 chapters in a year-long exploration of the book, so I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands. :)
*** *** ***
(July 28, 2025)
My online discussion group recently finished its year-long read of this book. I only managed to attend about half the meetings this time around (and read the corresponding chapters). I'm choosing to mark this one as "did not finish" (and will start fresh if/when the group restarts and I join in the discussions again). This should not cast any doubt on whether this is a worthwhile read, because it is! and the fact that I've previously read this book multiple times all the way through (plus parts of it at other times) should vouch for that. :)
"Living the Life Unexpected" had its genesis in a 2013 book -- crowdfunded by Gateway Women from around the world and self-published by Jody -- called "Rocking the Life Unexpected." In 2016, it was renamed and republished as "Living the Life Unexpected" by Bluebird (Pan Macmillan). This new edition is being published on March 20th, 2020, just in time for Mother's Day/Mothering Sunday in the United Kingdom (on Sunday, March 22nd).
I found Jody's Gateway Women blog early in its existence, and read "Rocking the Life Unexpected" back in January 2014. This new edition includes more of everything that made the book such a great, invaluable read in its previous incarnations. It's a mixture of personal stories (Jody's own, plus the voices of some 40 other childless women -- and a few men!), historical background/cultural commentary (including some eye-opening statistics -- we're definitely not alone in being childless), and self-help guidance, including questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about your childless life. (These are similar to the exercises used in Gateway Women's Reignite weekends and Online Bee courses.)
If you are struggling with involuntary childlessness, this book is an absolute must-read. I only wish it had been around when I was first coming to terms with the realization that my childless life would be permanent. It would also be a great one to recommend (or simply hand over) to friends & family members who want to better understand & support you (but aren't quite sure how to do that). Five stars.
*** *** ***
(January 2023) "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day is (quite rightly) regarded by many childless women as the "bible" for learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I own and have read all three editions of the book -- and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me. Over the past year, I've been re-reading the book again, chapter by chapter, working through (many of) the exercises (something I hadn't really done on past readings) and discussing them at monthly Zoom calls in the company of a small group of other childless women from around the world, all of us members of a private online support community.
This book -- known within the community by the acronym "LTLU" -- remains an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward. You don't HAVE to do the exercises, of course -- there is still plenty of benefit to be gained from reading the book without doing them -- but they're a great way to explore your thoughts and gain new insights -- and working through the book with other childless women, as I've been doing over the past year, is a fabulous way to gain new perspectives (and get to know some wonderful other childless women better, too!).
As we've now completed all 12 chapters and our year-long exploration of the book, I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands. :)
*** *** ***
(January 21, 2024) "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is essential reading for women like me who are learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I've read this book multiple times now, on my own and in a discussion group setting, and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me.
There are many more books out there now about life without children than there were a decade ago -- but this one continues to be an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward.
We recently completed all 12 chapters in a year-long exploration of the book, so I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands. :)
*** *** ***
(July 28, 2025)
My online discussion group recently finished its year-long read of this book. I only managed to attend about half the meetings this time around (and read the corresponding chapters). I'm choosing to mark this one as "did not finish" (and will start fresh if/when the group restarts and I join in the discussions again). This should not cast any doubt on whether this is a worthwhile read, because it is! and the fact that I've previously read this book multiple times all the way through (plus parts of it at other times) should vouch for that. :)
September 2, 2024
What a nice book. This is an excellent book for women who are childless not-by-choice. The beginning starts with over 50 reasons why a woman might end up childless. It was nice to read that part and connect to it. This book feels like somebody gives you an understanding hug. It gives you great information as you go through life from the moment you realize you won't have children through elderlyhood and death. Life has no guarantees for anyone, but your life matters!
January 19, 2021
Finding myself in this place in life this book has greatly helped in steering my mind to having a positive view, accepting what has been and looking forward to what now could be if only I let it happen. Thank you
February 6, 2023
Took me over a year to finish because some of it cut through my soul with such emotion I could really only handle it in small doses. Hits the nail on the head in the most compassionate way.
February 9, 2023
A positive and realistic but hopeful book about/for childless women. Offers plenty of tooks for working through hard feelings and dealing with challenging situations and stigma and labelling. Lots of suggestions and exercises to help a childless woman find meaning and positivity in her life. The topic is not directly relevant to me but I read the book out of curiosity and would definitely recommend it to someone who wanted encouragement and help
November 4, 2022
Het is een zelfhulpboek dat ik iedereen zou aanraden die geen moeder is geworden en dat wel had gewild. Jody Day schrijft met veel humor, warmte en kennis van zaken. Ze prikt daarbij mythes door en verschaft inzicht in maatschappelijke zaken als pronatalisme. Kortom, een fijn boek om te lezen.
December 30, 2022
Iv read this book and it's helped me. Not fully but it's helped. People look at you and say you should have kids by now and you don't. Some people it's their choice not to have, though everyone I know has children. Due to various illnesses I'm unable to have children even though its the one thing I want and always have. People say adopt...iv tried but I'm single and due to my illnesses only getting worse and sometimes needing to be looked after I'm not a suitable candidate on my own. So another kicker no partner no kids, neither through choice. I was falling down a black hole and was given this book. Its helped me...I don't talk much about my illnesses (not in any real depth) or the fact I can't have children but this book is helping me to feel as though I can get through it.
If you feel lost or alone, read this book... Your not the only one in this situation and it will help.
If you feel lost or alone, read this book... Your not the only one in this situation and it will help.
December 13, 2025
The holy grail for childlessness. It's the most comprehensive book on being women without children (especially involuntarily). Written with authenticity and heaps of compassion that could only come from a woman who has walked the path so deeply herself. This book is weighty and priceless. One that you can dip in and out of across different points in time.
I found this book when I was flapping around in the midst of my grief, it was a breath of fresh air, emotional, eye-opening and gave me a place to connect with myself and the others in the book. A testament to the power of talking about things that usually go unspoken, and of community. I liked that there were voices of many other women throughout this book too; showing the overlaps and the uniqueness of our experiences.
We arrive at this place through all sorts of choices, hurdles, struggles, challenges and unexpected detours and I admire how the author, Jody Day, caters to a wide range of experiences. From the grief of realising it's too late, to infertility, the pain of failed IVF cycles and relationship breakdowns. No matter your experience I guarantee you will find your comfort and support in these pages. It's not an easy area to write about but you can see the wealth of knowledge and experience that the author has with it. A pioneer and beacon of light for this community.
Written mostly for those involuntarily childless, but I wouldn't box it in, because even those who consciously and decisively choose to be childfree may experience their own emotional struggles on that path.
As a woman of colour a small portion of this book didn't fully resonate, but majority of the emotional aspects of childlessness are not culture- specific. I did appreciate that there was some acknowledgment of the cultural factors that shape experiences of women from different backgrounds.
Highly recommend, even buying for a friend who might be struggling. The latter chapters around fulfillment were inspiring and empowering. However, personally, I'm not quite there yet, but as I move towards that I'll definitely be re-reading those chapters.
I found this book when I was flapping around in the midst of my grief, it was a breath of fresh air, emotional, eye-opening and gave me a place to connect with myself and the others in the book. A testament to the power of talking about things that usually go unspoken, and of community. I liked that there were voices of many other women throughout this book too; showing the overlaps and the uniqueness of our experiences.
We arrive at this place through all sorts of choices, hurdles, struggles, challenges and unexpected detours and I admire how the author, Jody Day, caters to a wide range of experiences. From the grief of realising it's too late, to infertility, the pain of failed IVF cycles and relationship breakdowns. No matter your experience I guarantee you will find your comfort and support in these pages. It's not an easy area to write about but you can see the wealth of knowledge and experience that the author has with it. A pioneer and beacon of light for this community.
Written mostly for those involuntarily childless, but I wouldn't box it in, because even those who consciously and decisively choose to be childfree may experience their own emotional struggles on that path.
As a woman of colour a small portion of this book didn't fully resonate, but majority of the emotional aspects of childlessness are not culture- specific. I did appreciate that there was some acknowledgment of the cultural factors that shape experiences of women from different backgrounds.
Highly recommend, even buying for a friend who might be struggling. The latter chapters around fulfillment were inspiring and empowering. However, personally, I'm not quite there yet, but as I move towards that I'll definitely be re-reading those chapters.
March 17, 2020
Day, founder of Gateway Women, has become a guru for childless women, with her blog, workshops and meetup groups for the “nomos” seeking support. This book is a new edition of her 2013 title Rocking the Life Unexpected. It has been spiffed up and expanded from the new title and subtitle to the extensive resource list, with new quotes and examples and more polished writing. Day, herself unable to have children, is an upbeat cheerleader for those of us who for whatever reason, are among the one in five women who do not procreate. As a childless writer with her own book on the subject, I hate to say it, but if you’re a childless woman, you’ve got to read this book. Read it, work through the exercises, and find your way to a life in which you can find peace with the fact that you’ll never be a mother. If you’re still on the fence about whether or not to have children, you might not be ready for Living the Life Unexpected because it emphasizes grieving the loss of motherhood, accepting it and moving on. Then again, maybe it will help you decide.
January 22, 2024
This book is on my 'one to keep' shelf. Plus a couple extra to give away. Reading this reminded me of Alan Bennett's words in 'The History boys',
'The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours'.
Jody Day (who is very much alive!) has done this very thing, reached out a hand to women who would love to have been mothers, and articulated what felt impossible to say. This book is a hugely accessible yet profound exploration by a psychotherapist speaking at the coal face of experience. The end of chapter exercises make it a personal work book about how to live through and beyond the personal impact of childlessness. Recommended for women who have stopped trying to conceive and are on the path of grief and looking ahead to what life might hold. Full of empathy and robust hope.
'The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours'.
Jody Day (who is very much alive!) has done this very thing, reached out a hand to women who would love to have been mothers, and articulated what felt impossible to say. This book is a hugely accessible yet profound exploration by a psychotherapist speaking at the coal face of experience. The end of chapter exercises make it a personal work book about how to live through and beyond the personal impact of childlessness. Recommended for women who have stopped trying to conceive and are on the path of grief and looking ahead to what life might hold. Full of empathy and robust hope.
June 23, 2025
This book helped me (and so many other CNBC women) in more ways than I can put into words. Before knowing about Jody and reading her book, I though I was a bad person for the feelings I had. After reading it, I realized that what i was experincing was grief, unfranchied grief. After I was able to name that, and answering the questions presented in this book, I was able to come to terms with it, heal and eventually find joy and fulfillent.
Reading Jody story alomgside with the stories of other wowen worldwide, brought peace because I understood I am not alone, there is nothing wrong with me, I deserve to be happy even we I cound't have the kids I so desperatelly wanted.
I think this book is the light so many of us need to guide us when we are sailing the dark and scary storm of accepting our childlessness
Jody wrote an amaizing book, that conbines facts, stories, estadistics and her training as a therapist alongside her our journey as a CNBC woman.
Reading Jody story alomgside with the stories of other wowen worldwide, brought peace because I understood I am not alone, there is nothing wrong with me, I deserve to be happy even we I cound't have the kids I so desperatelly wanted.
I think this book is the light so many of us need to guide us when we are sailing the dark and scary storm of accepting our childlessness
Jody wrote an amaizing book, that conbines facts, stories, estadistics and her training as a therapist alongside her our journey as a CNBC woman.
September 22, 2021
Phew! That was quite a read. I actually skipped quite a few chapters, because they didn’t really relate to me, but even doing that I got SO much out of this book. And there may be a time in my life where those chapters do apply to me and I’ll go back and read them.
I could write a novel myself in reaction to this book. Let me just say, whether your childlessness is due to health reasons, due to never really making a plan to be a mother even thought it’s something you once wanted (like me), or any other reason, you’ll get what you need from this book. There are so many antidotes and thorough explanations from Jody Day herself.
Just such a good, powerful read. Oh yeah, and do the exercises! :-)
I could write a novel myself in reaction to this book. Let me just say, whether your childlessness is due to health reasons, due to never really making a plan to be a mother even thought it’s something you once wanted (like me), or any other reason, you’ll get what you need from this book. There are so many antidotes and thorough explanations from Jody Day herself.
Just such a good, powerful read. Oh yeah, and do the exercises! :-)
August 6, 2023
This is a powerful and life-changing book that offers a heartfelt, insightful, and informed perspective on the often misunderstood and complex issues surrounding involuntary childlessness. As someone who suffered in silence for many years due to feeling alone in my childless journey (as many of us do), it was a huge relief to finally be seen and validated, and know that I wasn’t alone. The comprehensive resources provided are practical and invaluable, offering support and encouragement, making it a standout resource for childlessness. This isn’t just a one-off read – I’ve returned to it time and time again at different stages in my healing journey!
January 3, 2024
A must-read book for women coming to terms with childlessness and anyone who supports them!
Jody Day opened the conversation around the experience of childlessness not by choice and she paved the way for the healing process to begin. Reading Living the Life Unexpected is like finally finding that person who sees you, who gets it, who's been through it already and knows there is a way forward. And then she hands you the roadmap. Deeply validating, accessible, and practical, this book needs to be on the reading list of anyone going through her own healing journey of coming to terms with a childless life she didn't choose and anyone in the role of loving them or supporting them.
Jody Day opened the conversation around the experience of childlessness not by choice and she paved the way for the healing process to begin. Reading Living the Life Unexpected is like finally finding that person who sees you, who gets it, who's been through it already and knows there is a way forward. And then she hands you the roadmap. Deeply validating, accessible, and practical, this book needs to be on the reading list of anyone going through her own healing journey of coming to terms with a childless life she didn't choose and anyone in the role of loving them or supporting them.
March 8, 2024
In 2020, I stumbled upon this book and immediately felt its impact. There it was in black and white, capturing all that I've been feeling. It's as if the author delved into my mind and put into words what has been tormenting me. Seeing it written on the page in front of me validated my feelings and marked the beginning of my journey to grieve. Furthermore, in my initial group meetings, I often quoted parts of it to initiate safe conversations.
I'm grateful to Jody for her brave and honest account of what it feels like to be childless not by choice. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone struggling with the grief of childlessness.
I'm grateful to Jody for her brave and honest account of what it feels like to be childless not by choice. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone struggling with the grief of childlessness.
August 22, 2025
In Living the Life Unexpected, Jody Day illuminated a path to understanding what I was going through as a woman grieving the lost dream of parenthood. With generous vulnerability and wit, the book is full of astute cultural analysis based in history, sociology, and demographics that helped me see the big picture beyond my personal circumstances.
The exercises encouraged me to process my emotions and guided me in coming to terms with being permanently childless not by choice. Her personal stories, as well as those of many other women, made the book a gentle, comforting companion on the path to making the best of the rest of my life. I often recommend it to my childless coaching clients.
The exercises encouraged me to process my emotions and guided me in coming to terms with being permanently childless not by choice. Her personal stories, as well as those of many other women, made the book a gentle, comforting companion on the path to making the best of the rest of my life. I often recommend it to my childless coaching clients.
November 27, 2023
Jody Day is someone that I have followed for many years. She is very knowledgeable in the very difficult topic of what it means to be childless. She has helped thousands of men & women to recreate their lives and accept what it is to live a life without children. This book offers so much insight and resources to help anyone who is just starting out on their childless journey to those who are at a point of acceptance. This is the kind of book, you can re-read over & over again & get different bits of insight each time. I highly, highly recommended it.
May 10, 2023
This book wasn’t quite applicable to my situation but I picked up what worked for me, and I really appreciated the depth of it. I had thought it might be a quick fix “what else might you do” sort of book, but in fact it considered the difficulty and complexity of this issue with detail, expertise and care. Would highly recommend for anyone who is childless against their wishes, or who has chosen to be childless because of circumstances more than preference.
November 5, 2023
A comfort and a guide for anyone coming to terms with childlessness.
Finding Jody’s work has been an invaluable source of support, relief, comfort and empowerment. I have kept returning to this book and taken greater and greater comfort from over the years. If you are feeling alone or misunderstood, this book will remind you you are not and that there are thousands of us wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, wise women, shattering negative stereotypes and here for each other!
Finding Jody’s work has been an invaluable source of support, relief, comfort and empowerment. I have kept returning to this book and taken greater and greater comfort from over the years. If you are feeling alone or misunderstood, this book will remind you you are not and that there are thousands of us wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, wise women, shattering negative stereotypes and here for each other!
December 27, 2022
I found this book so educational, healing, life-affirming, and inspiring. Being a childless woman myself; without a large community or tribe, it was so validating and comforting to hear my story in so many of Jody's words. Thank you Jody for making us all feel more visible and breaking the silence.
June 23, 2023
If you are living a life which you didn’t expect, because of childlessness, this is a book you will never forget. A brilliant book , full not only of real wisdom, but of practical ideas which can change your life. A book to read over and over. I cannot recommend it highly enough
January 23, 2024
I didn't find this useful- it was about shame (which I've never felt) and the assumption that women are expected to have children. My issue wasn't either of those- it was that I actually wanted children for ME, so it felt dismissive and made me feel terrible.
January 14, 2022
This was an excellent book - the first time I have read a book and felt so seen and understood by the author.
January 18, 2024
This book made me feel seen when I was in the throes of loneliness and deep grief. A must read for women who hoped to be mothers and were denied that opportunity by life circumstances
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February 18, 2024Nova versió
August 30, 2024
This is a first-of-its-kind book about the biases women without children face in both American and European societies. The author is a British psychologist who was married to an alcoholic and didn't want children with him until he was sober. The process took longer than expected, they divorced, and her window for becoming pregnant closed.
From her own experience of forlorn childlessness, author Jody Day has gone on to work with clients struggling through this life predicament, created a blog site, started weekend workshops, and engaged in advocacy work to raise awareness in work environments around non-Mothers, whom she calls NOMOs.
There are many new ideas and helpful observations in this book, including the following:
The Concept of Pronatalism
"The current cultural adoration of motherhood, at a time when somewhere between 15 and 30 percent of women are reaching menopause without having had children, is particularly hard on childless women, It's a role that we will never be able to play and are also not considered to have a say in. A whole new generation is being reared to inhabit and inherit our world and we are expected to have no part in it, or influence over it. The glorification of motherhood can be explained as what happens when rampant pronatalism meets rampant consumerism.
If 'pronatalism' is a new term to you (it once was to me), it's explained by Laura Caroll in her 2012 book 'The Baby Matrix" as: the idea that parenthood and raising children should be the central focus of every person's adult life. Pronatalism is a strong social force and includes a collection of beliefs so embedded that they have come to be seen as 'true' " (70).
Melanjoy
"Jessica Hepburn, a veteran of nine unsuccessful IVF procedures and the author of "The Pursuit of Motherhood, published in 2014, coined a brilliant word for the confusing combination of feelings that many of us (childless woman) will recognize around other women's pregnancies: 'Melanjoy' -- a combination of melancholy and joy," (94).
The Status of Marriage
"In a patriarchal society our value as women is judged on our partnerhood and reproductive status. In my twenties and thirties, I would have thought this was complete nonsense and, as someone who considered herself a feminist, would have seen it as rather backward-thinking. Imagine my shock when, as a newly divorced woman of forty, I discovered how much my 'status' from my married state had carried," (96).
Childless Women's Isolation
"Because most people succeed in having children, those who don't are seen as 'different' and don't fit the social mode. It's never explicit, but what wind's up more than anything is the assumption that I'm a career woman instead. I AM NOT defined my work." Claude: 44, Single, UK (162).
The Number One Source of Empathy Failure
"Stop expecting others to understand your situation. In answer to a question I put to Brene Brown at a public talk in 2012, infertility and childlessness has shown up in her research as 'the number one empathy failure.' Your friends and family are not not uniquely able to understand!" (225).
Though I've rated this book 5 stars, that rating is for female, childless readers, therapists, and IVF sufferers: however, for the general public, I would rate this book 4 stars, as some parts are too intensely focused on the issues of fertility and childlessness. Having said that, I think Chapter 9, "Reconnecting to Your Source" offers a beautiful investigation into what self-care and self-compassion are, and are not, and can apply to any reader -- regardless of gender or child status.
From her own experience of forlorn childlessness, author Jody Day has gone on to work with clients struggling through this life predicament, created a blog site, started weekend workshops, and engaged in advocacy work to raise awareness in work environments around non-Mothers, whom she calls NOMOs.
There are many new ideas and helpful observations in this book, including the following:
The Concept of Pronatalism
"The current cultural adoration of motherhood, at a time when somewhere between 15 and 30 percent of women are reaching menopause without having had children, is particularly hard on childless women, It's a role that we will never be able to play and are also not considered to have a say in. A whole new generation is being reared to inhabit and inherit our world and we are expected to have no part in it, or influence over it. The glorification of motherhood can be explained as what happens when rampant pronatalism meets rampant consumerism.
If 'pronatalism' is a new term to you (it once was to me), it's explained by Laura Caroll in her 2012 book 'The Baby Matrix" as: the idea that parenthood and raising children should be the central focus of every person's adult life. Pronatalism is a strong social force and includes a collection of beliefs so embedded that they have come to be seen as 'true' " (70).
Melanjoy
"Jessica Hepburn, a veteran of nine unsuccessful IVF procedures and the author of "The Pursuit of Motherhood, published in 2014, coined a brilliant word for the confusing combination of feelings that many of us (childless woman) will recognize around other women's pregnancies: 'Melanjoy' -- a combination of melancholy and joy," (94).
The Status of Marriage
"In a patriarchal society our value as women is judged on our partnerhood and reproductive status. In my twenties and thirties, I would have thought this was complete nonsense and, as someone who considered herself a feminist, would have seen it as rather backward-thinking. Imagine my shock when, as a newly divorced woman of forty, I discovered how much my 'status' from my married state had carried," (96).
Childless Women's Isolation
"Because most people succeed in having children, those who don't are seen as 'different' and don't fit the social mode. It's never explicit, but what wind's up more than anything is the assumption that I'm a career woman instead. I AM NOT defined my work." Claude: 44, Single, UK (162).
The Number One Source of Empathy Failure
"Stop expecting others to understand your situation. In answer to a question I put to Brene Brown at a public talk in 2012, infertility and childlessness has shown up in her research as 'the number one empathy failure.' Your friends and family are not not uniquely able to understand!" (225).
Though I've rated this book 5 stars, that rating is for female, childless readers, therapists, and IVF sufferers: however, for the general public, I would rate this book 4 stars, as some parts are too intensely focused on the issues of fertility and childlessness. Having said that, I think Chapter 9, "Reconnecting to Your Source" offers a beautiful investigation into what self-care and self-compassion are, and are not, and can apply to any reader -- regardless of gender or child status.
December 18, 2024
This was a difficult book for me to read as a single, middle aged childless woman. It encouraged me to accept many difficult themes in my life. But after I accepted those things, I felt a lot better about the direction my life is moving in.
I do wish the author didn’t plug her community you have to pay to join or her expensive retreats. I disrupted the material and should have been saved for a chapter at the end of the book
I do wish the author didn’t plug her community you have to pay to join or her expensive retreats. I disrupted the material and should have been saved for a chapter at the end of the book
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