Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman (Contributor), Rachel Carlton Abrams

Strengthen and deepen your love with a fun, ingenious program of eight life-changing conversations—on essential topics such as money, sex, and trust—from two of the world’s leading marriage researchers and clinicians.
 
Navigating the challenges of long-term commitment takes effort—and it just got simpler, with this empowering, step-by-step guide to communicating about the things that matter most to you and your partner. Drawing on forty years of research from their world-famous Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman invite couples on eight fun, easy, and profoundly rewarding dates, each one focused on a make-or-break trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams.
 
Interactive activities and prompts provide motivation to stay open, stay curious, and, most of all, stay talking to each other. And the range—from the four skills you need for intimate conversation (including Put Into Words What You Are Feeling) to tips on being honest about your needs, while also validating your partner’s own emotions—will resonate, whether you’re newly together or a longtime couple looking to fortify your bond. You will discover (or rediscover) your partner like never before—and be able to realize your hopes and dreams for the love you desire and deserve.
 

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Marriage, Love, Personal Development

Audible Audio

First published February 5, 2019

About the author

Dr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.

Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.

Reviews

[Ali Goodwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my first time reading a relationship advice book. I love how much this book is centered around not just learning but doing. Each chapter has a planned date with discussion questions to challenge you and your partner to learn from everything you've read in that chapter.

Really insightful read on communication, trust, and intimacy. Would highly recommend for people in a long term relationship or new relationships wanting to take their relationship to the next level.

[Lorilin · Rating 5 out of 5]

John Gottman is basically a love guru. He has studied thousands of relationships, and after several decades of clinical observation and study, he can predict with 97% accuracy if a couple will stay together or divorce.

I read one of Gottman’s earlier books called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work when my husband and I were having a rough time just after we were married. It absolutely changed the way I approached our relationship, and it helped us both better communicate so we could come together to work through our issues and move on.

I was expecting good things from Eight Dates, and boy did it deliver. The book is divided into eight sections, one for each date. The dates cover eight of the most meaningful, important, and, often, contentious topics that couples deal with: trust and commitment, conflict, sex, money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, and dreams. Before the dates are introduced, an intro gives characteristics of successful marriages, as well as advice on how to have an intimate conversation and how to listen.

There is SO MUCH interesting info in this book! I know not everyone is going to froth at the mouth over learning how couples interact with each other, but I seriously couldn’t get enough. It’s all so interesting to me, discovering what is “normal” and what actually creates a lasting connection, especially when it doesn’t necessarily match up with what I expected. Some of my favorite insights:

*** Successful marriages have 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
*** Sixty-nine percent of conflicts in most marriages will never be solved. The trick is to fight about (or let go of) these issues effectively.
*** Eighty-percent of married couples have sex at least a few times a month. Of those, 32% have sex 2 to 3 times a week.
*** Studies have shown that dual-career couples with young children spend only 10% of their evenings together, with most of that time spent discussing errands. (In other words, they have to work extra hard to keep that romantic spark alive…)
*** The five most common subjects that couples fight about are money, sex, in-laws, alcohol or drug use, and parenting.
*** Arguments about the unpaid work in a relationship (chores and childcare) tend to cause the most conflict.
*** The eight most important elements of a successful marriage are fidelity, good sex, division of chores, adequate income, good housing, shared religious beliefs, shared interests, and children.
*** Stay at home parents do about $90,000 worth of work per year. (#preach)
*** An early indicator of the future success of a marriage happens during pregnancy and the birth of a child. If a husband (the study only involved heterosexual couples) is involved during pregnancy and birth, the marriage will be happier later on. A father tends to stay involved with the children through the years if his marriage has low conflict and there is continued sex.
*** Play is a vital component of a relationship. Couples who play together, stay together. This includes experiencing laughter, excitement, anxiety, and curiosity, both separately and together.
*** Conflict is how our relationships grow.
*** It’s important for couples to share their dreams with each other. Keeping your dreams from your partner leads to bitterness, resentment, loss of passion and desire, and distance.
*** Every person has a dream or life purpose, and it should never be sacrificed for the relationship. It’s possible for both people to achieve their dreams, just typically not at the same time.

Is that too much to share? I seriously could go on and on. I just find this stuff fascinating.

Practically speaking, this book is very user-friendly. It talks about each topic, summarizes the chapter, then lays out a date night plan complete with suggestions for how to prepare, where to go, problems to look out for, questions to ask, and an affirmation to say together at the end of the date. It’s intense but also very doable. My husband and I haven’t gone through each of these dates yet, but the ones we’ve done have been really interesting and made us feel more connected.

In short, I’d recommend this book to any couple looking to take their relationship to the next level. Five enthusiastic stars!

Thank you to John Gottman, Workman Publishing, and Net Galley for the ARC!

See more of my reviews at www.bugbugbooks.com.

[Reese Epston · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was looking forward to reading this but I lost all respect for this author upon meeting them. It's difficult to take relationship advice from a woman who goes about her day with such little emotional regulation of her own. Someone who snaps their fingers at a server, may not be the person to preach conversations for a lifetime of love.

[Willy Xiao · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think largely because of my age and COVID-induced introspection, my friends in recent months have turned their focus towards topics like emotional maturity and personal life. Discussions often come to relationships, dating apps, and friends who could pair up. Those in relationships live vicariously through those that are single.

Prior to dating, my GF and I connected early on wanting to “iterate quickly” in our next relationship - she’s a PM and I a software engineer. While the framing was a joke, the intentions were real. We felt old, and we didn’t have that many iterations left before marriage.

What are the most important topics to align on in a relationship to be intentional?

I think this book is an amazing way to date intentionally. One of my friends who I showed the book to said the book was just like couples therapy, which they were going through at the time with their partner. This book is going to be lengthy and deep like therapy - it takes weeks and months to finish the book together, and each of the 8 topics can be hours of conversation.

Gottman & Gottman are a husband and wife marriage and divorce counselor pair. They run a prominent marriage institute in Seattle, to which Microsoft provides corporate benefits and many older employees have gone through with delight. They and the co-authors have recorded thousands of couples and claim to be able to predict if a couple will stay together with astonishing accuracy. I don’t believe the actual statistics, but I get the point - they probably know something about what keeps people in love.

And they claim there are 8 important topics to consider. Each of the topics in this book is structured as a date. For each, they give you a list of exercises, open-ended discussion questions, and even suggest things like where to do the date. For example, the “family” date is recommended to be at a playground, and in the case that adults must have children to be present at a childrens playground, go to a family friendly restaurant instead. You and your partner can alternate planning dates. My GF planned the odd dates and I planned the evens.

The book makes a couple of meta-points. First, you should go on a date every week. It’s not about the movie or the dinner you share, it’s about just having protected time away from screens in which you talk to each other. You probably have a weekly 1:1 at work, this is at least more important than those. Second, you should treat your partner primarily with curiosity throughout the course of your life. The mindset is: “the person who woke up today is not the same person who went to bed the night before.”

Now, onto the 8 dates:
1. Trust & Commitment - what is your level of commitment to each other? What does this mean?
2. Addressing Conflict - different people relate to the emotion of anger differently. The goal of conflict is not resolution of the issue and it’s definitely not about figuring out who’s right or wrong. The goal is finding mutual understanding.
3. Sex & Intimacy.
4. Work & Money - this chapter is not at all about tactically how to manage money. It’s all about your psychological relationship with money and security and work.
5. Family - what do you consider to be your family? How will you maintain your relationship when you’re busy with kids if you intend to have some.
6. Fun & Adventure.
7. Growth & Spirituality - if you’re religious, talk about that here. Otherwise, construct sacred rituals with each other.
8. Dreams - support each other in your dreams.

This book is for any couple: those just starting to date, about to get married, or have been in a 20 year marriage. This book is not just about “testing” your alignment across 8 topics. Great relationships are built - and this book can serve as a guide to long-term relationship satisfaction.

I’ve recommended this to at least 15-20 couples and maybe 5-6 have started trying this book. I recommend it for every couple.

[ash | songsforafuturepoet · Rating 2 out of 5]

I would be interested to read critique of Gottman's research by researchers as I am not one myself - all thoughts are my own as a layperson.

My previous therapist was influenced by Gottman and it shows. Admittedly I am bitter about Gottman because of my experience with her. My previous therapist's client was not me, it was the relationship that I was in, even though she was not seeing us as a couple. She believed that the key to wellbeing was a heterosexual, long term, stable relationship and pushed me to stay in mine at all costs. After reading this book, I see where her perspective was influenced by.

While Gottman's work is rich in data and wisdom on love and relationships, I feel that it is outdatedly, significantly missing a lot of lens, narrowing its audience, and given its reach, dangerously ascribing one type of relationship to such a wide diversity of people throughout the world. The book looks at relationships through a heterosexual lens, though one study had been done on 'same-sex relationships'. Studies that is not intentionally crafted through the lens of queerness however may not be able to fully capture the nuances of queer relationships, as the parameters might have been the same as the heterosexual studies, and its results interpreted by researchers influenced by the heterosexual world. Even within the het lens, the lens of power and gender is not explored much here - how gender plays out within the relationship and how power struggles play out as well, especially in the conflict chapter. I also think there is not enough time given to addressing abuse or toxicity in relationships, as though it is not the lived reality of many. It also does not address leaving a relationship, as though willfully ignoring the reality that many relationships end every day, and it's a lived reality and completely valid thought process even in people who want to stay in long term relationships.

There were also not enough varieties of relationships in this book. Everyone had in-laws, everyone had children, everyone went mountain climbing or skiing, and had time for dates. No one had busy, untenable work schedules in this hyper-capitalistic world, no one ate badly or had existential crises, no one stayed in situations that makes them depressed because they had no other choice or believed so.

I don't feel like this book relates to me and my lived reality.

[Sumit · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book quite a bit more than the previous (and only other) Gottman book I read, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." While that work was a constant stream of self-aggrandizement and conflation of his ability to predict divorce with an ability to preserve marriages, this book is far more humble, conversational, thoughtful, and engaging - perhaps because of the involvement of the three other authors (his wife, and Rachel Doug Abrams). This book walks through eight fundamental issues that come up in any long-term relationship, from financial matters to intimacy to life goals, and along with thoughtful dialogue on what makes these issues hard to talk about, comes up with creative worksheets, quizzes, and settings to help open up a discussion between partners. While I feel the various dates and mechanisms vary in quality and applicability, I dog-eared quite a few pages, and expect to go back this as a source of helpful suggestions in talking about complex issues with partners.

[Lu · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for a boy, and that’s saying something considering I hate self help books.
Lol, it didn’t end well

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Accessible, well-written, with lots of helpful exercises. Sometimes I wished the exercises were more pointed, but then they would have lost their universality. Also, Angie and I agreed that one chapter seemed to have rosy-eyed glasses, but I think that's part of the point. We both learned a good deal about each other even though we've been married for over 11 years and together for 13, we developed solutions to problems, and we spent a bunch of quality time together. Strong recommend for couples or those who want to be part of a couple.

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I appreciate about the Gottman Institute is it is research-based, so John and Julie Gottman are not just throwing out relationship advice based on hunches or personal anecdotes but based on evidence and observation. This book is a valuable resource for anyone who wants to deepen and strengthen their relationship, whether you are newly dating or have been married for many years. Different sections of the book will be more useful to different people. The topics of the eight chapters are commitment, conflict, sex, money, family, fun, spirituality, and dreams. I found the first two chapters about commitment and conflict to be the most valuable, but depending on life circumstances the other chapters might gain importance. The book is very practical and after laying out examples from actual couples, explains the importance of the topic, and ends with a set of questions to help you explore the topic in your relationship. The subject matter is definitely confined to romantic relationships, but there were a few areas that I thought were helpful for just understanding other people in my life.

[Sina · Rating 3 out of 5]

هفت آبان ۱۴۰۳
اگه میشد امتیاز ۲.۵ میدادم
به نظرم ارزش یه بار خوندن رو داره اما خب کتاب خیلی خاصی هم نبود
صوتیشو میتونین از یوتوب دانلود کنید(سه ساعته).

[Cosima · Rating 2 out of 5]

In diesem Buch werden 8 Themen behandelt, die in romantischen Beziehungen besonders wichtig sein sollen. Für jedes dieser Themen soll man mit seinem Partner ein Date organisieren, bei dem man über dieses Thema spricht. Dafür gibt es im Buch eine Art Anleitung mit Fragebögen, offenen Fragen, zu vermeidenden Fehlern etc.

Mein Freund und ich sind seit fast 3 Jahren zusammen und waren bereit, diese Gesprächs-Dates umzusetzen, weil ich daran geglaubt habe, dass uns das durchaus etwas bringen würde.

Das Ding ist: ich glaube, wir sind absolut nicht die Zielgruppe für dieses Buch. Es gab kein Thema, was wir in den letzten 3 Jahren nicht schon mehrfach besprochen hätten. Vielleicht liegt es daran, dass wir als Gen Z couple im Vergleich zu älteren Generationen schon durch social media, höhere Akzeptanz für sowas wie Psychotherapie und generell mehr Offenheit für intime Themen früher gelernt haben, dass man über Gefühle sprechen und sich selbst reflektieren sollte? Don‘t know. Wir haben das erste Gespräch geführt und dann damit aufgehört. Ich habe das Buch alleine zu Ende gelesen und es entstand bei mir kein Gesprächsbedarf.

Der Input an sich ist an den meisten Stellen sicherlich sehr sinnvoll und richtig. Manchmal fühlte es sich aber ein bisschen von oben herab an und als ob die Herangehensweise der Autoren der einzig perfekte Weg wäre. Seltsam fand ich zum Beispiel, dass sie meinten, dass man nicht mit Menschen außerhalb der Beziehung über Probleme in der Beziehung sprechen soll. Das sehen wir nicht so und handhaben es auch anders.

Es wurden zwar immer mal wieder Geschichten von gleichgeschlechtlichen Paaren eingeschoben, aber die meisten Statistiken und Studien bezogen sich auf die Unterschiede zwischen Männern und Frauen und das ganze Buch hat sich sehr heteronormativ angefühlt, teilweise wurde auch sehr in traditionellen Geschlechterrollen gedacht. Sicherlich liegt das auch an der Studienlage, aber ich fand es trotzdem schade.

Mein Hauptkritikpunkt: Es werden in dem Buch sehr viele Studien erwähnt, die aber absolut gar nicht zitiert werden??? Weder die Titel der Studien, noch die Autoren, oftmals nichtmal das Erscheinungsjahr. Einmal wurde eine Studie von 1996 erwähnt, mit dem Zusatz „die Studie wurde zwar noch nicht veröffentlicht, aber…“. Lol? Es gibt am Ende des Buches einen Anhang mit einigen Quellen, aber das ist definitiv nur ein Bruchteil (er enthält nämlich nur Quellen für 4 der 8 Gespräche). Was ist das bitte für eine Art, ein wissenschaftliches Buch zu schreiben?

Ich freue mich, wenn dieses Buch anderen Paaren helfen kann, aber ich und auch mein Freund konnten daraus leider nichts ziehen.

[Neile B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether you are married, dating or engaged, there is a lot of great insight and advice packed in this little book.

[Caleb · Rating 4 out of 5]

John Gottman should be required reading for anyone committing to a long-term relationship.

It's strange to me that our culture supposedly values marriage and family but yet spends very little time teaching people on how to survive those things. That, despite challenges, love and joy are inevitable when there's evidence all around us that it is regularly a source of struggle and dissatisfaction in people's lives.

Gottman's decades of research have provided insights into and how relationships succeed and fail. That would be enough, but he also shares personal successes and failures with his partner and collaborator, Julie. In other words, the Gottmans are not asking anything of us, that they don't already ask of themselves.

"Eight Dates" is organized into meaningful, actionable ideas and questions, making it accessible for virtually anyone in any kind of monogamous relationship. "Eight Dates" is a playbook for folks who prefer some thoughtful guidance throughout their relationship rather than winging it. (This includes me.) I will come back to it again and again.

[Rachel Hafler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amazing resource for any long-term, committed couple! I love the idea of intentional dates that are themed around major aspects of a relationship. This book is short and not super deep, but the real depth should come in the conversations with your partner that the dates are meant to cultivate. The date ideas are pretty vague, but the guiding conversation questions and exercises to go with them are amazing! My husband and I plan to work through these dates slowly and are looking forward to more intentional conversations about our relationship and how to love each other better.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

great practical marriage advice book. Probably best for younger married couples, but still really helpful and useful as are all the Gottman materials.

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, written by the Gottman's of the Gottman Institute, is a book about growing, learning about and supporting your romantic partner. The Gottman's look at some of the main sources of conflict and misunderstanding in relationships, and break these categories down into eight dates covering the following: trust and commitment, conflict, sex and intimacy, work and money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, and finally dreams and aspirations. Each date contains a paragraph to read, with questions to ask and answer for each partner.

My partner and I read this book over a series of date nights starting in March 2020, and ending on New Years 2021. We took it slow, read the book carefully, and meaningfully asked and answered each of the questions, and having discussions about each date, our family history, and what we felt and thought about each idea and topic as they came up. This was a lot of fun for us. It allowed us to grow and get to know each other better, gave us good tips and information on how to interact with each other to reduce conflict and increase understanding, and made for some good quality time together; this is now a regular thing, and we will continue to read books together over the next year and maybe beyond.

This was a great book for relationship study and personal growth. I usually do not read these books myself, but as a date night study and growth session, this was a really good read. My partner and I had some criticisms; it follows traditional relationships more closely than the growing norm of alternative or progressive relationships, and certainly has some religious undertones, although they are subtle. Even so, this was a solid first read for my partner and I and we look forward to reading more books together.

[Vanessa Schmidt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Buying myself and my husband a copy so we can do the activities.

[Ryan Matsumoto · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed reading this practical book about key topics that are important for long-term relationship success. The authors, who are leading marriage researchers and clinicians, combine quantitative research data with qualitative anecdotes to show how proactively discussing these topics can lead to stronger partnerships.

The main concept of this book is that couples should intentionally set aside time for eight different dates where they discuss each of the key topics: Trust & Commitment, Addressing Conflict, Sex & Intimacy, Work & Money, Family, Fun & Adventure, Growth & Spirituality, and Dreams. For each of these topics, the authors provide pre-date exercises / quizzes, date location suggestions, and open-ended questions. The goal is to proactively open up a meaningful dialogue about topics that research shows are important to relationship success.

One of my favorite chapters was Addressing Conflict. The authors argue that the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflict is mutual understanding: “The goal of conflict is not to win or to convince the other person that you’re right or even to be the same. In creating compromise we have to understand each other’s core needs on the issue we’re discussing, as well as each other’s areas of flexibility. However, the goal is not to become identical, it’s to understand each other.”

The authors also outline a 5 step process for how to discuss fights after the fact: (1) each person takes a turn to talk about what they were feeling (2) each person talks about how they saw the situation and their perspective about what actually happened in the argument. Here it is important to validate each other’s perspective rather than finger-pointing, blaming, and litigating the details (3) talk about triggers related to one or both partners’ pasts that may have caused someone to feel hurt (4) each person accepts responsibility for their part in the fight, even if it’s a small part (5) discuss how you both might do things differently next time.

This chapter also has a helpful exercise where you can proactively discuss 25 different areas that could potentially cause relationship conflict in the future. Some sample topics include: neatness and organization, finances, raising children, socializing, drugs and alcohol, and family. The discussion would focus on how each person is the same or different, how they can accommodate and accept these differences, and whether or not some differences are unacceptable.

Another chapter I found interesting was Work & Money. According to a research study of 4,574 couples, of all the issues married couples fight about, financial arguments were the single best predictor of divorce. The authors emphasize that it is important to discuss with your partner their family history with money (e.g. how their parents approached making and spending money) and empathize with their unique viewpoint.

I also really enjoyed the chapter about Dreams. The authors emphasize the importance of honoring and supporting each other’s dreams. It is important to talk about personal dreams with your partner (e.g. traveling the world, writing a novel, becoming a running influencer) and doing your best to support each other. The authors emphasize that the goal is to be in a relationship and still be able to pursue your individual dreams. They say it is possible to make each other’s dreams come true, but sometimes they may happen at different times during life (e.g. trading off who is doing a more stable job versus experimenting with something more risky).

When listening to your partner talk about their dreams, it is important to (1) refrain from contradicting, throwing cold water, or belittling your partner’s dream (2) avoid immediately jumping into the practicalities until you fully understand the dream (3) remember that you can’t know the future or what’s possible (4) ask big questions to understand your partner’s dream (5) ask for the underlying meaning to any dream.

Overall this was a helpful book with actionable suggestions! Self-help books can often seem like common sense, but it’s nice to have everything laid out in an organized manner. I will definitely keep the conversation topics, exercises, and open-ended questions from this book in mind for the many dates I have lined up in 2025.

[Gabriela · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️, rounded up

Where to start? I’m very grateful to have a stacked YouTube subscription because that’s how I found this book- shout out to Stephanie Yates-Anyabwileand all her knowledge she (and her husband BTS) come together to share via YouTube videos.

I’m also very grateful to have a partner who has read maybe 3 books in his life and 2 of them are because of me. One of which is this book. He even finished it before me 🥲

I feel the need to mention that this is coming from a cisgender heterosexual relationship lens- although the Gottmans refer to different LGBTQIA+ specific stats throughout, they do acknowledge a lack of research on trans relationships.

This book is packed with research on how to build trust, intimacy, fun, and more that “leads to a lifetime of love.” I’ve never felt closer to my partner and am grateful for all the topics covered. I find myself saying “ooof they need the 8 dates” during The White Lotus and reality tv 😂

I can’t give it a full 5 stars because some areas felt lacking to me, especially the section on Family. Maybe it’s because of my own family experience and how many memoirs I’ve been reading in the last year- but I wanted so much more from this chapter. Also one point- which I know could’ve been a whole other book-I wish they had more spotlight on is how for some families, the “end goal” the Gottmans’ refer to is not accessible or even desired by some families. The family goal they highlighted was raising children until they’re self sufficient to live on their own. Growing up with family where children have lifelong disabilities, I can’t and don’t want to ignore their realities. I wished there would be discussion points about how to support current/future children in whatever ways they may need. I hope in the future this family dynamic is something the Gottmans acknowledge in their research if they haven’t done so already.

[Agnė · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman is a research-based relationship self-help book that offers eight structured date ideas, each centered around a guided conversation on a topic relevant to long-term relationships: trust & commitment, conflict, sex & intimacy, work & money, family, fun & adventure, growth & spirituality, and dreams.

Over past year, my husband and I read Eight Dates together and completed all the exercises. In the beginning, we had some deep, emotional conversations that felt meaningful and engaging. But over time, the chapters started getting shorter and less substantial, the questions became broader and more random, and our conversations started to feel dull and repetitive. We got stuck on some of the later chapters and, honestly, couldn't wait to be done with the book.

While the exercises can be valuable if you commit to them, the actual chapters felt somewhat basic, leaning more on common sense than deep insight. I wanted more (diverse) stories, more research, more advice, and more substance. The earlier chapters were stronger, with more targeted prompts, but as the book went on, it seemed to lose steam. For example, the chapter on growth & spirituality barely explored the topic, and the questions mostly revolved around goals and dreams.

Also, it might be my own personal bias against traditional thinking and societal norms when it comes to marriage, but I found the book's tone somewhat rigid and clinical, and I felt aversion to certain ideas and the language used. For instance, I couldn't bring myself to read aloud the affirmations at the end of the chapter, as they felt too cold, artificial, and forced.

[Jessie Allen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don’t have the energy to really get into how messed up this book is, so I’m going to summarize.

- Antiquated heteronormative views on gender roles.

- Skewed “statistics”.

- Common sense knowledge presented as book-worthy.

- Harmful attitude towards sex, rape culture-esqe.

I’ll come back and get down to the nitty gritty if I ever feel like revisiting this garbage. Don’t read it. I had to take a boiling hot shower and cleanse my home with sage after this. 🥵

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the structure of this book. We did the 8 dates over about 12 weeks, each Sunday morning. While the questions are not revolutionary, just committing to the dates as a priority and setting aside the time together can change your relationship.

[Malinda Tackman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing book. The dates aren't super hoaky or awkward. My partner and I learned a lot about each other. Super recommend for any couples looking to go on fun dates and open to learning more about yourself and your relationship 💘

[Jeffrey McDowell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and benefited greatly from it.

[Alex Hotovy]

trying to hit my yearly goal + read this w Bridget and proposed at the end so 5 stars

[Kira · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dieses Buch ist etwas schwer zu bewerten, weil es nur so gut ist, wie das, was man daraus macht. Aber weil das hier ja eh eine subjektive Bewertung ist, gibt es von mir 5 Sterne.
Mein Partner und ich hatten von Beginn an keine Erwartungen an das Buch. Er hat es mir zu Valentinstag geschenkt und weil wir sowieso gern tiefgehende Gespräche führen, haben wir uns schnell darauf eingelassen. Unsere Beziehung ist geprägt von offener und ehrlicher Kommunikation, was mich Anfang dazu veranlasst hat, mich zu fragen, was denn dieses Buch noch neues eröffnen soll. Und naja. Eine ganze Menge! Nach jedem Gespräch, das wir sorgfältig vorbereitet haben, fühlten wir uns noch näher und wir haben nicht nur über einander, sondern auch über uns selbst so viel gelernt. Vieles aus der Kindheit reflektiert, den Ist-Zustand analysiert und gemeinsame Träume für die Zukunft geschaffen.
Needless to say, dass wir fast jedem Paar aus unserem Freundeskreis dieses Buch andrehen wollen.😂 Natürlich müssen es alle Partien wirklich wollen, diese Gespräche zu führen, aber wenn alle bereit dazu sind, kann man ein unglaubliches Fundament für viele weitere Gespräche und die Beziehung selbst bauen.

[Lindey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this one! I think a lot of it is applicable to personal and friendships as well. Even though I’m currently not in a relationship to practice the activities live, it gave really solid examples and question ideas.

“Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is.”

“Couples whose love lasts have a ratio of 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions during a fight or conflict.”

“You have to be brave enough not to hide parts of yourself.”

[Morgan Becker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my first time reading a marriage or dating advice book, and I was pleasantly surprised. The book covers really important topics that should be talked about before and throughout marriage.

I appreciated how each chapter included examples, plus a guided date activity with different options and conversation prompts based on that date’s theme to complete with your partner.

While the ideas aren’t necessarily brand new, the structure is super helpful for guiding meaningful (and sometimes tough) conversations with your partner.

I’d recommend this to anyone, whether you’re about to get married, have been married for years, or are somewhere in between. It might even be a great read for someone who’s single and wants to better understand what they’re looking for in a partner.

[Mary Kate Metivier · Rating 5 out of 5]

honestly — loved it lol

[Alvina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love science! I love using it to help me know how to love/communicate better! And, I love that I have new information to wield in my favor:)