When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

by Jan Yager

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?"
We've all had friendships that have gone bad. Whether it takes the form of a simple yet inexplicable estrangement or a devastating betrayal, a failed friendship can make your life miserable, threaten your success at work or school, and even undermine your romantic relationships.
Finally there is help. In When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, recognized internationally as a leading expert on friendship, explores what causes friendships to falter and explains how to mend them -- or end them. In this straightforward, illuminating book filled with dozens of quizzes and real-life examples, Yager covers all the bases,
The twenty-one types of negative friends -- a rogues' gallery featuring such familiar types as the Blood-sucker, the Fault-finder, the Promise Breaker, and the Copycat
How to recognize destructive friends as well as how to find ideal ones
The e-mail effect -- how electronic communication has changed friendships for both the better and the worse
The misuse of friendship at work -- how to deal with a co-worker's lies, deceit, or attempts at revenge
How to stop obsessing about a failed friendship
And much more
The first highly prescriptive book to focus on the complexities of friendship, When Friendship Hurts demonstrates how, why, and when to let go of bad friends and how to develop the positive friendships that enrich our lives on every level. For everyone who has ever wondered about friends who betray, hurt, or reject them, this authoritative book provides invaluable insights and advice to resolve the problem once and for all.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Friendship, Psychology, Personal Growth, Audiobook

272 pages, Paperback

First published June 18, 2002

About the author

Jan Yager received her BA in fine arts from Hofstra University, her MA in criminal justice from Goddard College, and her PhD in sociology from City University of New York Graduate Center. Beginning in her early twenties, with fulltime positions at Macmillan Publishing Company, followed by Grove Press, Jan has been an editor, director of subsidiary and foreign rights, acquisitions editor, book publicist, author event planner, media trainer, consultant, book coach, permissions editor, and award-winning author of 65+ books. Her titles in a range from genres -- from nonfiction and fiction to illustrated children's books and poetry -- have been published by Simon & Schuster, Scribner, Doubleday, Penguin Random House, Square One Publishers, and self-published through the small press she founded almost 30 years ago, Hannacroix Creek Books, Inc. (Her first five books were published under her maiden name of J.L. - Janet Lee- Barkas.) For more on Jan, go to: www.drjanyager.com, www.whenfriendshiphurts.com, or www.hannacroixcreekbooks.com

Reviews

[Summer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highlights:

Recognizing a harmful friendship (P.56)
1. Is your friend trustworthy?
2. Does your friend return your phone calls?
3. Does your friend always keep appointments or meetings and promises?
5. Do you enjoy listening to your friend?
7. Is your friend someone you are proud of?
8. Is your friendship based on who you both are now, rather than on what you were when you first became friends?
9. After you see your friend, do you find yourself thinking, "wow, I am glad that we are friends"?
10. Does your friend respect your boundaries and your privacy?

Number 8 really opened my eyes. It is important for all relationships that it is in the present.

Positive friendship (P.57)
1. You like (or love) each other
2. You have fun together
3. You share confidences, activities, talking, and/or emotional support
4. Trust, honesty, and loyalty are expected
5. There is little or no jealousy
6. Competitiveness is minimal and healthy
7. Contact is as frequent as both need and want
8. Confidences are kept
9. Gossip is nonexistent or extramely rare
10. Friends are not used or put in compromising position
11. Promises are kept
12. Borrowed items are returned
13. Tact is practiced
14. Honesty is essential but not misused for hurtful reasons
15. The friendship is flexible, changing as situations or needs change or shift for one or both friends because of school, career, or personal reasons
16. No matter how busy each friend gets, the friendship is still a priority concern
17. Each friend is there for the other, in fair or foul weather
18. You have a lot in common but enough that is different to make the relationship interesting
19. The relationship is equal

Negative or destructive friendship (P.58)
1. Jealousy is rapant
2. Competitiveness is excessive
3. Secrets are shared without permission outside of the friendship
4. Borrowed money or items are not returned
5. Promises are broken
6. Poor excuses are offered for failing to get together
7. One or both friends brag to others about the friendship for opportunistic reasons
8. The friendship is rigid and inflexible, with attempts to maintain the status quo despite predictable and normal shifts or changes that make new demands on each friend
9. The friendship is low priority
10. Conversations are strained or unpleasant
11. Even if you once had fun with your friend, it's now a relationship of duty rather than enjoyment
12. The sharing of activities, emotional support, or confidences is rare or one-sided
13. The relationship is unequal

(P.79)
Friendship, like romance, is, after all the analysis is over, based on feeling, a strong feeling that arises because of that inexplicalbe element known as chemistry.

Affirmations to reinforce your decision to end a friendship (P.128)
1. I have tried my best, but I cannot change this negative friendship
3. I am a nice person, and I do not come to this decision lightly
4. I will end this friendship in as kind and compassionate a way as I can, but I will stick to my decision to end it
5. I am not a vindictive or cruel person. I am doing this because I think it is better for me
6. I know my friend may not agree with my decision and may try to convince me to continue our friendship. But I have to do what my considered judgment tell me is preferred
7. I will not gossip about my friend or about our failed friendship
8. I will respect my friend's secrets and privacy after the friendship ends, just as I expect my friend to respect mine
9. When the friendship is ended, i will avoid obsessing over my decision
10. I will give myself time to grieve and mourn this failed friendship
11. Ending one destructive friendship does not mean that I have a pattern of harmful friendship in my life
12. I am entitled to have upbeat, positive, and trustworthy friendships
13. I have learned a lot from this failed friendship

Coping after the friendship ends by asking these questions (P.132)
1. Why am I obsessing about this friendship?
2. what is obsessing about this failed friendship stopping me from doing? Seeking out new friends? Forgiving myself foe the end of the friendship? Taking responsibility for the part I played in the end?
8. Have I tried writing down my thoughts about this former friend and out friendship as a way of working through my unresolved feelings aobut what happened?

Other ways to work on friendship issues (P.172)
1. Take adult education classes
2. Join support groups
3. Bibliotherapie - books
4. Cinematherapy - movies, allow yourself to cry can be very helpful
5. Ventilation writing - write whatever, must destroy it afterwards
6. Journaling - write four pages each morning, don't stop until you do
7. (My favorite) Physicalizing - like penciling somebody's name on the bottom of your sneakers and pounding them on the floor. There's a lot of good information on this approach in "Growing Yourself back up", by John Lee, and Peter Levine's "Waking the tiger". It is relly all about completing the impulse to fight or to take flight. We are taught not to express our feelings, to close down. So you allow yourself to complete the process.

Time for friends (P.174)
1. Make it s priority to schedule time to get together
2. Take a class together or create a club that meets regularly
3. Volunteer together
4. Plan a "friends' night out"
5. Spend B-day or holiday time together
6. If you live far away, schedule reunions or vacations together
7. If you work nearby, meet for lunch
8. If you are both too busy to visit or call, send an email or a letter
9. When you do get together, schedule your next get-together
10. Remember that friendshifts happen. Allow for those changes so your friendship can continue even if the level of intimacy or frequency of contact is different than before

********************

A big lesson I learned from reading this book is that friendship needs to be in the present. Simply remembering the good old time does not cut it. The signs for positive and negative friendships are very helpful for me to recognize good and bad friendships. The affirmation is very good for me to get out of the mourning phase faster, and not to be stricken in guilt for a failed friendship. I will probably do some of the suggestions, such as ventilation writing and journaling, to work though the issues completely. All in all a very helpful book!

[Sunaina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've constantly had issues with keeping friends (especially other girls) who have constantly betrayed me to an extreme level, taken me for granted ect and I have began to wonder if the problem is me since I'm the common denominator. The book discusses little about changing yourself as a person other than your body language or the aura your giving out. She also suggests that if your friend is suicidal or is depressed (or bringing you down) its not healthy to have her in your life. Many people in my life have picked up and left when I've disclosed my depression and this only makes it worse and makes the person feel more isolated. Of course why would the author think otherwise she abandoned her own friend when her friend disclosed that she was suicidal. If you are a true and loyal friend you would stick by your friend and help them through the hard times not ditch them. Yeah help them get professional help but doesn't mean you get up and make a run for it. Finally she didn't discuss the one thing I was looking for was how to deal with a friend that takes more than gives - the author discusses this but in terms of physically taking an object. But I was looking for taking as in you keep doing things and going out of you're way to be there (as a friend) and that person doesn't appreciate it or doesn't return the favour in your time of need. How do you deal with that?

[Jdy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was disappointed with this book -- it was much more simplistic than what I was looking for. It seemed to carry a theme throughout: if your friend has problems, such as depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc., and they affect the friendship, it's best to end the friendship unless they go for therapy. The author advocates making and keeping friendships that are described as fairly ideal. That sounds great to me, but it just didn't seem very realistic, but rather black and white.
I found one story in the book particularly unsettling. The author tells of one of her own college friendships. Ms. Yager says that her friend, "Cindy," told her that she had tried to kill herself. Ms. Yager speculates on her friends' upbringing and then says that at the time, she felt betrayed by Cindy's suicide attempt, "as if it were a slap in the face of our friendship." Ms. Yager says, "Looking back, my thinking, however selfish and confused at the time, may not be all that atypical. My first response was to wonder how much she cared about me as a friend if she was willing to cause me to suffer, as I would have if she had succeeded." The author goes on to say that the friendship fell apart over the next year or two, and that she knew it wasn't due to the fact that they lived in different cities, as she had other friendships like that that worked. She said the main reason was that Cindy's mental illness scared her. The author says that she has thought from time to time of trying to find Cindy to see if she got help and her life turned out okay -- but that she never has, and that the reason she never has is because she has so many positive, healthy friendships now, and therefore she takes "the coward's way out" and does nothing.
What I thought was helpful about this story was that there are readers who might relate to how scary it is to learn that a friend is suicidal, and how problematic it can be. But mostly I found some things about the story, as told, a little disturbing. The author is a PhD Sociologist now -- not a layman about mental health issues. I'm wondering why a professional is still a "coward" about this incident. I also noticed that the author calls the many other friendship incidents in the book "betrayals," but when she relates her own story, she describes her behavior toward her friend as merely "insensitive" and says that she did what was probably typical. In a great many of the other stories, the author analyzes what childhood problems may have led to the betraying actions in the friendships, but in her own story, she just leaves it at "I wonder what happened to Cindy?" I'm not suggesting that the author must analyze her own reaction in this example from her life, but it strikes me as odd given the fact that she does so in so many of the other stories. I also wonder why the author doesn't end her story about her suicidal friend by suggesting to readers how serious it is when a friend talks of suicide, and what basic things to do when that happens, without becoming enmeshed yourself - the author is a PhD Sociologist.
I found the book to be encouraging and validating in it's message of not letting destructive friendships go on and on and bring undue unhappiness and problems into your life, but it was too black and white for me, with too little insight into navigating through the problems. To me, the author seems to be justifying her own unintentional betrayal of her friend, and that really gives me pause.

[Nihlaeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book annoyed me incredibly. It's nice for you that you have a phd and people write you letters, but I don't care about that. I'm looking for useful advice on how to identify and deal with friends that hurt me in some way.

But what annoyed me most, and even offended me is that this book states that you can not be a good friend if you have psychological problems, and / or had a less than perfect childhood. I stopped reading after that.

I would have given a negative rating if that were possible...

[Xanthi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook version.
I see this book has gotten a very mixed bag of reviews. From people hating it, to loving it. I have given it 5 stars because I found it incredibly helpful. The timing of reading this book was also perfect, as I was(and am) going through a breakup with a close friend. This book gave me food for thought about what is happening in my life now, but also what has happened in the past, in regards to other close friendships that caused me a fair amount of pain.
I know I will be dipping back into this book in the future, to reread passages.

[Mistress]

This book really helped me through a difficult time when two of my best friends betrayed, abandoned, and wounded me.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was reminded that friendship is voluntary and that it's okay to let a friend go even though it hurts.

[Ande · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow this is some utter... I'm not even going to...

[berkan berghahn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book could not have come into my life at a more opportune moment. Admittedly, I was initially put off by the critical remarks in the comments. I think that was a good thing because it made me approach this book with caution. In hindsight, I can say that I can understand the criticism, but I didn't really let it affect my reading experience. My personal feeling is that the author does not accuse people with mental illnesses of being bad friends. On the contrary, she gives tips and tricks in the book on how to still find common ground with a person who has such problems. She simply emphasizes that you shouldn't be someone's therapist and that you shouldn't get fully involved with someone if the other person doesn't do the same. Nevertheless, everyone is entitled to their criticism. I didn't let it put me down and I might even read this book again in the future.

[Fatima · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't want this book to end. So many notes were taken.

[Beth Stromberg]

Very enlightening. Good read. Recommended read, if you've ever had a friend hurt you, and who hasn't, this is a must read.

[Josephine Blom · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bet more of a clinical review on friendship and less personal, but with a deep dive into what possibly causes a friendship to end and the many extremes of friendship betrayal. I found other friendship books a little bit more personal and easier to connect with, but this book did give me inside onto what betrayal might look like or a friendship ending when it's related to jealousy and envy. it allowed me to see that. not all friendships that end. have a clear reason due to a person that you thought of as a friend ghosting you and that this ghosting is more often contributed to jealousy and thinking that this is the best course of action so that you don't have to express your feelings to your friend. in the end, it's more of a power play in that you don't have to deal with your emotions, but your friend that has been ghosted feels the blunt of the pain. so whereas you think you are saving them, the pain you were actually causing, the more pain by not knowing what has happened and making the end of a friendship final, whereas maybe something could have been worked out. this helped me realize that in my situation it is not my fault because I would have talked out our differences and my friend obviously was not in the position to want to or discuss it.

[Charlefpai · Rating 3 out of 5]

Even though the title seems intense, the first 30% of the book could be of use to everyone. How to assess your friendship and the quality of them, as well as indicators for friendships that take more than they give. It's not just about betrayal, but focusing your energy on the good friendships for a freer mind.

[Mindy Schaper]

I didn't relate to much of this. I either don't have bad friends or I don't notice bad behavior. I read this book looking for how to get over a lost friendship. Wasn't really the purpose of this book.

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read - less about the hurt caused by friendships but pointers in how to both be a better friend and not be hurt by others’ perceived slights. Teaches one to advocate for their needs in friendships and understanding when some friendships aren’t worth the effort.

[kylajaclyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh. So Yager takes a very Freudian view throughout most of the book. Her root point seems to be that if there is trouble with a person in a friendship, it stems from childhood issues. She even dedicated a whole chapter to this called "It's All in the Family." Well, yes and no. It's a pretty bleak world if our parental and sibling interactions define who we are for the rest of our lives. And sure, we might become our parents when it comes to some of our idiosyncrasies, but, if we are lucky, we are each our own person. Nature affects us as much as nurture does. Secondly, Yager is all for the model of "ghosting" on a friend when you want to end the friendship. (Ignore their calls and hope they get the hint). The previous friendship book I read was about this whole phenomenon and how we owe one another more. And I completely agree. Unless the person is flat-out dangerous, built-up history with a person deserves closure and at least a valid reason. I'd even take the person lying about the reason for leaving the friendship versus not giving me closure at all. Yager also lists the 21 types of destructive personality traits that you don't want in a friend, but that is so reductive. Many of the traits she mentioned can come out in a person depending on where they are in their lives at the time. That doesn't mean it is the core of their personality. I struggle with this, because where I have left things with people in the past is absolutely not how I want to be seen now, nor is it the core of who I am. I'm not saying she doesn't acknowledge that people can change, but reducing bad personality traits to a number is always risky. I do applaud her frequent suggestions of going to see a therapist or recommending one to a friend. And she makes sure that the person reading the book looks inside themselves too. The fact is that this book is very simplistic in its thinking, and while Yager's positive friendship traits checklist might be a godsend to those in dire circumstances, I found it to be misleading as there are no perfect friendships. In fact, I've come to believe that they are harder to maintain than relationships. Much to my sadness, I don't think there really is a book that can just magically tell me how to maintain friendships. I know the work that goes into it, but I think the timing and circumstances will have to be right as well. Friendships seem like the easiest thing on the surface but, as Vanessa Carlton sang, "we give each other up so easily..."

[Sandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book up at the library to help deal with some friendship issues I'm having. While the book had a lot of interesting things, there wasn't a lot that helped me with what I'm going through.

I found it strange that the author interviewed a lot of people with horrible childhoods riddled with child abuse. There seem to be a lot of people having these types of abuse stories in such a small class of people she interviewed (180). Also, it seemed that the people responding back to her could scarcely put together a sentence, so their quotes are riddled with clarifying remarks. Where did she find these people?

With that being said, most of the information given was a given...you have to be a good friend to have good friends, don't let people walk all over you, etc. However, the chapter that listed and explained 21 types of negative friends was quite informative.

[Tarandeep Kang · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I was in my late teens, a female friend of mine hurt me very badly. I am Arjun that such stories are the main reason people read books like this. Well, this has certainly been and then lightning rain, and has brought me a sense of relief. It is surprising to me, although of course it should be, that broken relationships from years ago, have had a long lasting impact. For those of us impacted by things like this, it is important to try to remember that relationship breakdown is not always your fault, and is at least as likely to be the fault of the person who breaks off all contact. I am making it my mission to try to forgive, and this book has helped a great deal in that. This is one of several books on this topic I have my eye on at the moment.

[Alexandria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found that the title of this book is not necessarily aligned with its contents. I also know that it was written in 2002 at a time where social media and cell phones were not as prevalent. Regardless, I was hoping to gain more from it instead of a bunch of stories of how people's past abuse and traumas affect the way they handle their future relationships/friendships (which to be honest seems like a no brainer). I would be curious how the author feels about modern day friendship with social media/texting etc., and to hear her opinion and if some of what she has written here still holds up.

[Hanna Mihentz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can say that this book opened my perspective on friendships and helped me categorize them as casual, close, or best friends. It was incredibly helpful for my inner healing, so I highly recommend it.

•Honesty in friendship means openly sharing feelings, thoughts, and dreams without fear of judgment or betrayal.
•Empathy is the ability to understand, care, and show compassion, a valued trait in close friendships.
•Sharing secrets without fear of judgment deepens friendships, but in larger groups, intimacy often fades, and interactions shift toward shared activities over personal support.

-A true friendship is reciprocal, with both wanting to be and stay friends, while pseudo-friendships are one-sided.
-If you have realistic expectations of your friend and they still don’t support you, they may be a fair-weather friend.
-The strongest predictor of longevity in a friendship is shared values.
-A two-person friendship has the greatest potential for intimacy and trust but is also the most likely to dissolve due to conflicts or separations.
-Loners often have emotional wounds from past relationships that make them hesitant to form new ones. They may focus on work or creative outlets instead of peer connections, but can maintain healthy romantic or family relationships.
-You can't make someone recognize their unconscious behavior if they're not ready to do so. Denial is a strong defense mechanism.
-Most people aren’t taught to handle anger well. Instead of avoiding it, try to understand the message behind it, this can lead to stronger, healthier relationships.
-"You can get deeply angry at people and love them enough so that you want the very best of all things for them."
-If you want to let a friendship fade, do so tactfully. Avoid gossiping, as it can hurt your friend and feel like betrayal.
-Friendship is precious yet fragile: it takes two to build, but only one to end.
-You may choose friends for support, but unresolved issues can influence these choices. That's why certain friend groups remain close, they share a common trauma->"In most cases friendship replicates early family patterns." We often recreate family dynamics in our relationships. Unresolved family issues can cause unconscious conflict with people who remind us of family members. If a conflict feels disproportionate, it’s a sign it may be rooted in the past.

How to save your friendship:
Step 1: Acknowledge that this friendship needs care. Neglecting it may lead your friend to grow distant or find someone more available.
Step 2: Reflect on the friendship, tracing it from the start to see if any actions may have caused a rift. Before talking to your friend, gather the facts as best you can.
Step 3: Decide whether to address the issue or give it time. Sometimes, stepping back is best, but unresolved issues can make things worse. If there's conflict, clearing the air may help prevent further damage to the friendship.
Step 4: Determine if both you and your friend believe the friendship can improve. Without mutual commitment to change, the friendship may continue unsatisfactorily and eventually fade.

How to handle conflicts with friends:
1. The Interest-Based Bargaining (IBB) model helps you understand the reasons behind a problem by asking "why" and "why not." This approach focuses on each person's needs and interests, rather than rigid positions, to find solutions that work for everyone.
2. Put yourself in your friend’s shoes to understand their needs.
3. Listening carefully is key to resolving conflicts. It shows respect for someone’s views and reinforces their sense of worth. Without genuine listening, it’s hard to resolve issues effectively.
4. Step outside the conflict and view it like a movie. By distancing yourself, you can see the situation more objectively, as if you're watching it happen to others, not just you and your friend.
5. Agree to disagree. Acknowledge your friend's perspective and validate their point of view, even if you don’t agree. This approach helps maintain respect and understanding.
6. Validate the relationship by expressing how much you value your friendship. This strengthens the desire to resolve conflicts and move forward.
7. Allow a cooling-off period. Taking time to step back and calm down can help prevent rash words or actions.
8. Ask for understanding by explaining temporary reasons for your inattentiveness, and ask your friend to be patient during busy times.
9. Saying "I'm sorry" can resolve conflicts by taking responsibility and showing remorse.

How to end a friendship:
1. Keep the ending private. Gossiping about ending friendships, even if it feels good, can backfire. Secrets, especially juicy ones, are hard to control, so handle the situation discreetly.
2. Avoid bad-mouthing your former friend. Don’t let your failed friendship become gossip, and don’t risk a reputation for spreading rumors. Your friend may feel entitled to do the same about you.
3. Stay calm and composed. By keeping your emotions in check, you help prevent giving your former friend any reason to hold a grudge.
4. When ending a friendship, clarify that you're rejecting the interaction, not the person, to help minimize hurt feelings and anger.
5. Be careful what you say or do that could come back to haunt you.
6. Every friendship has two perspectives, so avoid seeking validation from others. Only you and your friend know the truth, so handle the end of the friendship privately and with dignity.

[Brianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfection

“But if your friends have betrayed, disappointed, or hurt you, you have a fresh start. Right now. You are deserving of at least one caring, nurturing friend in your life. Whether you have been a devoted friend to others or have been befriended by a caring person, there is hope for you, this moment, that you will find such a friend.”

[Michaela · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book wasn’t necessarily poorly written, but it was extremely simple. I didn’t feel like I learned much from this book and I was overall disappointed. If you don’t have much experience with friendships or doing any kind of inner work, then I would maybe recommend this? But overall, lots of common sense things.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting exploration into the basics of friendship from a researchers point of view. Good pointers on how to tell when a friendship has become unhealthy, how to fix it, or how to end it and when to do each.

I wanted help to understand my relationship with my sister.

[Kynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on friendships, past and present!

[Sumon Jose · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was indeed of great help in building up my own relationships...

[Ariel Nova · Rating 1 out of 5]

DON'T READ THIS BOOK IF YOU'RE NEURODIVERGENT!!!

This book is exactly the sort of ableist, neurotypical self-help rubbish in corner shop bookshelves next to breath mints and crisp packets the world over. There is nothing here that you will not get from any other vapid, entitled, white upper-class pseudo-intellectual like Jordan Peterson. The damage this strain of charlatan does to our society is the demonising and stigmatisation of those in most need of our compassion and public health funding.

I picked up this book hoping to finish processing my disappointment after realising that some of my loving friends were unable to support me–much as I know they would have wanted to–during my last borderline personality disorder relapse. The first red flag came when Yager legitimised diminishing contact with friends going through hardship. Over the years, my disorder has taught me to expect this flavour of insensitivity from strangers, so I shrugged it off and continued. However, my eyebrows rose to my hairline when Yager not only classified friends into set types–a level of intellectual rigour more at home in Buzzfeed personality quizzes–but called some of them outright demeaning names, such as “The Copycat” and “The Bloodsucker”! The cherry on the manure cake came when I suspiciously googled reviews of her book to find she later confesses, without a smidgen of remorse, to have ghosted a suicidal friend! Having confirmed I had spent the best part of my day pouring the intellectual equivalent of urine down my ear canal, I visited her personal website where she actually advertises herself as a “friendship expert” with a straight face. What flavour of self-respecting sociologist uses that clickbait as her calling card is beyond me, but I guess it’s my connection to reality which keeps me from fully grasping Jager’s toad-licking genius.

If you are in need of truly useful reflections on friendship–and like me, are partial to authors with a spine, a brain and a heart–allow me to suggest Kate Johnson’s Radical Friendship, a heartwarming elaboration on a Mitta Sutta passage where the Buddha teaches seven qualities of a worthy friend.

[Georgia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't find much actionable advice in this book, but did at least find it interesting to think about the concept of people 'betraying' you because (even subconciously) they are retaliating for a perceived previous betrayal on your part. Throughout the book the focus is largely on your own role in creating negative friendship patterns for yourself, which is positive in a way as it means you have the power to change this, but also a bit reductive - the main alternative explanation for people being 'bad friends' was abusive upbringings, which was reiterated a confusingly large number of times - some people are just not nice humans.

Some other things threw me off like the suggestion that you should basically abandon a friend if they're experiencing mental health issues, the book generally being a product of it's time (?) in terms of emphasising very heteronormative social constructs, and one random religious takeaway.

So wouldn't recommend but I did get some things out of it at least which were cathartic for teenage me.

[Kiril · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt like this was quite an adequate book. I did experience a horrific case of betrayal from a former friend I've known for many many years. The book did give me some perspective, and I also did find the process of explaining their betrayal with their family background and parents very accurate.

I didn't expect the book to stop the pain from the betrayal, and it didn't. But it does help.

[Roro · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend gave me this book to read. It was a good overview of the different friends in your life and how they can be negative or positive influences. It also gives advice on how to become a better friend

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really needed this to be more. It touched on a few high notes that I was looking for specifically, but overall it might be too simple & felt slightly out of date.