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Arguments
An average couple will have between thirty and fifty significant arguments a year – and yet we’re seldom taught about why they happen and how they could grow a little less intense. This is a guide to arguments in love: it teaches us why they might occur, what their symptoms are, how we could learn some wiser ways of communicating and how we would ideally patch things up after a fight.
Focusing on 20 common arguments – including sex, money, in-laws and the state of the bathroom – we recognise our own antics whilst learning how to skirt certain conflicts going forward. The tragedy of every sorry argument is that it is constructed around a horrific mismatch between the message we so badly want to send and the manner in which we are able to deliver it. A bad argument is a failed endeavour to communicate; this is a definitive guide to how we might argue better.
Focusing on 20 common arguments – including sex, money, in-laws and the state of the bathroom – we recognise our own antics whilst learning how to skirt certain conflicts going forward. The tragedy of every sorry argument is that it is constructed around a horrific mismatch between the message we so badly want to send and the manner in which we are able to deliver it. A bad argument is a failed endeavour to communicate; this is a definitive guide to how we might argue better.
69 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 25, 2019
43 people are currently reading
373 people want to read
About the author
The School of Life
173 books3,128 followersThe School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
April 5, 2021
I was very disappointed after finding out that some of the essays in this book are in their youtube channel and i regretted buying this book.
Here's a list of the the essays in the book and their video equivalent, that you can find on youtube:
chapter 4 the spoiling argument - why we sometimes try to make our partner sad
chapter9 the identity argument - why your partner tries to stop your growing
chapter 12 the argument from excessive logic - the problem with being too logical in love
chapter 13 the attention-seeking argument - how to get attention without attention-seeking
chapter 20 the no-sex argument - arguments when there's little sex
conclusion towards less bitter arguments - how to fight in love
There are 20 chapters total, but i felt cheated thinking that maybe in the future they might release the other essays in video form too. It could've gotten the audio book for free on youtube.
That being said, the essay's format are very similar to the format you find on youtube. If you enjoy those, you will enjoy this book. It's meant to be a guide of the most common types of arguments a couple might have, and suggestions on how to deal with it.
Here's a list of the the essays in the book and their video equivalent, that you can find on youtube:
chapter 4 the spoiling argument - why we sometimes try to make our partner sad
chapter9 the identity argument - why your partner tries to stop your growing
chapter 12 the argument from excessive logic - the problem with being too logical in love
chapter 13 the attention-seeking argument - how to get attention without attention-seeking
chapter 20 the no-sex argument - arguments when there's little sex
conclusion towards less bitter arguments - how to fight in love
There are 20 chapters total, but i felt cheated thinking that maybe in the future they might release the other essays in video form too. It could've gotten the audio book for free on youtube.
That being said, the essay's format are very similar to the format you find on youtube. If you enjoy those, you will enjoy this book. It's meant to be a guide of the most common types of arguments a couple might have, and suggestions on how to deal with it.
June 18, 2021
My fav quotes (not a review):
"For one person, haunted by a fear of excessive compliance, being asked to do the laundry first thing on a Saturday may symbolise a life wasted through drudgery. But to another individual who has had too much experience of disintegration, it might stand for a heroic victory over the forces of chaos."
"Plato once outlined an idea of what he called the ‘just lie’. If a crazed person comes to us and asks, "‘Where’s the axe?’ we are entitled to lie and say we don’t know, because we understand that were we to tell them the truth, they would probably use the tool to do something horrendous to us. That is, we can reasonably tell a lie when our life is in danger. In a couple, our partner may not literally be searching for an axe when they ask us an inquisitorial question, but psychologically this is precisely how we might experience it, which makes it understandable if we say we simply don’t know what they are talking about."
"If two people were being properly ‘logical’ in the deepest sense of the word – that is, truly alive to all the complexities of emotional functioning – rather than squabbling around the question of ‘Why are you being so rational when I’m in pain?’, the person on the receiving end of the superficial logic should gently change the subject and ask, ‘Is it possible I’ve hurt or neglected you?’ That would be real logic."
"It is indispensable to preface every criticism with an assurance of our ongoing love."
"For one person, haunted by a fear of excessive compliance, being asked to do the laundry first thing on a Saturday may symbolise a life wasted through drudgery. But to another individual who has had too much experience of disintegration, it might stand for a heroic victory over the forces of chaos."
"Plato once outlined an idea of what he called the ‘just lie’. If a crazed person comes to us and asks, "‘Where’s the axe?’ we are entitled to lie and say we don’t know, because we understand that were we to tell them the truth, they would probably use the tool to do something horrendous to us. That is, we can reasonably tell a lie when our life is in danger. In a couple, our partner may not literally be searching for an axe when they ask us an inquisitorial question, but psychologically this is precisely how we might experience it, which makes it understandable if we say we simply don’t know what they are talking about."
"If two people were being properly ‘logical’ in the deepest sense of the word – that is, truly alive to all the complexities of emotional functioning – rather than squabbling around the question of ‘Why are you being so rational when I’m in pain?’, the person on the receiving end of the superficial logic should gently change the subject and ask, ‘Is it possible I’ve hurt or neglected you?’ That would be real logic."
"It is indispensable to preface every criticism with an assurance of our ongoing love."
July 12, 2023
This came out of left field in terms of how eye-opening it was for me. It outlines 20 different (and exceptionally common) types of arguments and offers insight as to the base reasons why they explode in the first place.
A friend told me that I'd never be able to fully heal from recent and distant pains if I didn't understand why those nerves hurt so much when pressed on to begin with, and this book has married that idea and immediately made it click.
We don't argue just for the hell of it. We're all fragile creatures wanting to be loved. Arguments can be cries for help, validation, comfort. Those close to us, whether it be a partner, a friend, or an acquaintance, may not always be the root cause of the pain. They may exacerbate it, knowingly or unknowingly, but there's something deeper in all of us worth questioning.
You'll confront things that have been done to you, and things you have done to others.
Even if you feel pretty secure in how you handle conflict, you owe it to yourself to read this. It's only 153 pages, and if you tend towards the volatile and emotional like I do, it could put some words to feelings and that alone is worth it.
A friend told me that I'd never be able to fully heal from recent and distant pains if I didn't understand why those nerves hurt so much when pressed on to begin with, and this book has married that idea and immediately made it click.
We don't argue just for the hell of it. We're all fragile creatures wanting to be loved. Arguments can be cries for help, validation, comfort. Those close to us, whether it be a partner, a friend, or an acquaintance, may not always be the root cause of the pain. They may exacerbate it, knowingly or unknowingly, but there's something deeper in all of us worth questioning.
You'll confront things that have been done to you, and things you have done to others.
Even if you feel pretty secure in how you handle conflict, you owe it to yourself to read this. It's only 153 pages, and if you tend towards the volatile and emotional like I do, it could put some words to feelings and that alone is worth it.
February 7, 2021
It's reassuring to understand the reasons why I end up in rows with my partner and how there it's not about being right all the time (and that you can be right, but that doesn't necessarily make for a harmonious relationship either). The descriptions of the common arguments about a missing item etc and then stripping them back to what they are really about was interesting. I think I was hoping for a little more practical suggestions about how to have more constructive arguments, which is the only reason I've given this a 4 rather than a 5 as a score. I look forward to reading more from The School of Life, I really enjoy the angle it gives on everyday life.
December 29, 2019
Spot on
As with all other TSOL book, this one doesn’t disappoint. I can see myself in so many of the argument flavors: the over-rational one, the spoiling one, the attention seeking one. The resolution is as usual charity and acceptance of our own imperfection. We are deeply flawed and so is everyone else.
As with all other TSOL book, this one doesn’t disappoint. I can see myself in so many of the argument flavors: the over-rational one, the spoiling one, the attention seeking one. The resolution is as usual charity and acceptance of our own imperfection. We are deeply flawed and so is everyone else.
July 17, 2021
Each chapter looks at a different type argument couples have with a suggestion for addressing each. I think some of these chapters are included on their YouTube channel in video form, but it’s nice to have each of their twenty argument types collated here. I feel like this kind of book is at times relatable and at times like looking at a high-brow reality show.
October 3, 2020
I love all the content produced by The School of Life however if you've already read An emotional education and followed their YouTube channel the ideas and delivery of this book are highly repetitive.
May 18, 2024
تو این کتاب آلن دوباتن مشاجره های بین زوجین رو در ۲۰ دسته طبقه بندی می کنه و ویژگی ها، آسیب ها و ریشه های هر دسته رو به اختصار بیان می کنه. خوندنش و صحبت کردن در موردش، قطعا برای هر زوجی واجبه.
"عشق، پرمسرّت ترین و در عین حال دردسرسازترین قلمروی زندگی ماست. :)"
"عشق، پرمسرّت ترین و در عین حال دردسرسازترین قلمروی زندگی ماست. :)"
November 8, 2020
I find the style to have more words than content. Maybe I'm not the target audience.
November 19, 2020
Oh, such a good read. Picked up quite a few pointers and facts here and there. Definitely left some impression on me.
June 29, 2024
This is my favorite from The Love series.
February 17, 2025
This book provides a brief analysis of the different types of arguments in life. I find myself pausing to reflect on my own habits every couple of pages. They say awareness is the first step towards change and this book does just that. I appreciate the insights on how some arguments can be avoided completely or handled more effectively.
December 23, 2021
Insightful and even (British) funny analysis of arguments a couple may have.
Reading it serves as a healthy mini-therapy with some forgiving self-criticism.
Reading it serves as a healthy mini-therapy with some forgiving self-criticism.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews