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9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free
Expose the Lies. Understand the Truths. And Make Your Marriage Better than Ever!
Lies about marriage are rampant in our culture―and in our churches. But the corresponding truths can strengthen your marriage and even save it from collapse. 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage identifies the lies, explains how they can disintegrate your marriage, and reveals truths that can rescue it and help it to become the marriage of your dreams.
Greg Smalley, a general marriage expert, and Robert Paul, the therapeutic director of Hope Restored, a renowned crisis marriage program created for Focus on the Family, combine to offer an unusual and powerful combination of perspectives that can restore hope and healing in any marriage, including yours.
What Are the 9 Lies about Marriage? Do any of these lies resonate with you? Read 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage and start exposing the lies and living the truth. Includes several self-tests to help you and your spouse assess the extent to which your marriage has been affected by each of the nine lies.
Lies about marriage are rampant in our culture―and in our churches. But the corresponding truths can strengthen your marriage and even save it from collapse. 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage identifies the lies, explains how they can disintegrate your marriage, and reveals truths that can rescue it and help it to become the marriage of your dreams.
Greg Smalley, a general marriage expert, and Robert Paul, the therapeutic director of Hope Restored, a renowned crisis marriage program created for Focus on the Family, combine to offer an unusual and powerful combination of perspectives that can restore hope and healing in any marriage, including yours.
What Are the 9 Lies about Marriage? Do any of these lies resonate with you? Read 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage and start exposing the lies and living the truth. Includes several self-tests to help you and your spouse assess the extent to which your marriage has been affected by each of the nine lies.
288 pages, Paperback
Published July 7, 2020
80 people are currently reading
185 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
September 19, 2020
Jesus says that one shall know the Truth and the Truth shall make one free. Many Christians believe that. Some even preach it wide. The main question is: Do we live it? With regard to marriage, how many couples actually practice that? Perhaps, the reality is that a lot of marriages are filled with half-truths. Why? Answer: Lack of trust in telling the truth. Using their work from seven thousand couples over the past 20 years, authors Paul and Smalley share nine of their best insights with a catchy title, that basically says that these lies are the marriage destroyers. Some of the falsehoods come from erroneous teachings, especially those that people want to believe. Things like "marriages are meant to have a happily ever after" or "your love is driving me crazy" ending. Worse, many couples would rather lie to protect their idealistic purposes instead of accepting the truth for what it is. When something is covered up, it usually means more covering up. Rather than building foundations on lies and half-truths, the authors show us Original Truth: Scripture. Recognize the original deceiver: the devil. Remember that the enemy is the devil that is always seeking to destroy relationships, especially marriages.
The first lie is one of the most popular and insidious lies that people would willingly accept. The "Happily ever after" lie sounds nice to embrace but makes a relationship fragile. What happens once the happiness factor is gone? Smalley and Paul remind us that while happiness is important, the truth is that marriage is about keeping the promises made in the marriage vow. We learn that marriage is also not about losing our individual identities after marriage. It is maintaining health both individually and together. There, the author unpacks the three different marriage models using the three equations: "1+1=1," "1+1=2," and "1+1=3." This makes for a thought-provoking check on our conventional beliefs about the nature of marriage. Couples also believe in idealistic love and romance in marriage, that love is all we need. The truth is, tough love is needed at times. The romanticizing of love usually excludes tough love. When we truly love, we will learn to be open to love. Yet, there is another lie on the other extreme of giving love: Sacrifice. Sacrifice is noble, but when it is interpreted as either totally giving in or giving up of the other person, it is no good. Any sacrifice needs to come with a willing heart. One of the most interesting chapters is the one on "you win some, you lose some" which is a negative way of expressing give-and-take. Worse, it sees marriage as some kind of a battlefield that sees conflict as something that is not supposed to happen. The truth is that conflicts are real and marriages need to prepare to deal constructively with it. the authors then show us the importance of working toward a win-win instead. Here is a summary of the nine points that marriage is:
1) Not "Happily ever after" but about keeping marital vows.
2) Not Erasing one's individuality but embracing all three: husband, wife, and them together.
3) Neither Chemistry nor connection but giving and receiving.
4) Neither giving in nor giving up but becoming more like Christ.
5) Not about meeting each other's needs but holistic care for both.
6) Not remaining in a "reactive cycle" of irreconcilable differences but to maintain a constructive interaction space.
7) Not making the other love us but improving closeness and intimacy.
8) Not about crazy love but about good emotional health.
9) Not win-lose but win-win.
My Thoughts
==============
What I like about this book is the way the authors debunk the conventional beliefs before introducing a fresh perspective. They have condensed their knowledge and experience into nine helpful ways to ensure marriages are not based on erroneous thinking. Proverbs 19:2 reminds us that "Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way." Some of us are impatient people. Like some of the weddings we see in movies, couples were so impatient that they requested the priest to fast-forward the marital vows segment to the wedding kiss. If we fail to look before we leap, we would end up in a regrettable ditch. We are reminded to be a little more critical about conventional marriage philosophies. Don't assume that happiness is the key ingredient for good marriages. It is important but it is more temporal than we may think. Like a journey that has ups and downs, a marriage that is centered on happiness depend on the ups. When the down moments come, the marriage would be challenged. The "lie" is stated clearly at the beginning of each chapter. Not only is it a summary statement of the lie in question, it is catchy enough to make readers want to know more.
Some parts of the book are disputable. For example, the "1+1=1" argument initially troubles me because of how common it was in the lighting of the unity candle. The authors were trying to explain that marriage does not mean they lose their individual personalities but to embrace the third one: Togetherness. I get that. However, they miss the point behind the blowing out of the candle. This is not about wiping away their individual selves but putting away individualism. In other words, it is a object lesson in saying that they are starting a new life, in view of their new status as husband and wife. Whatever they do to the self have ramifications for the marriage, and vice versa. In a society that is wrestling with the challenges of individualism, the reminder is even more crucial. Having said that, I get what the authors are trying to correct.
Finally, the authors did well in showing us a summary of the different models of healthy marriages. There are the "healthy marriage model," the "Care Cycle," "Heart Talk," "Seven Steps to a Win-Win" and avoiding the "Reactive Cycle model" are good references to keep in hand. I like illustrations like that as they enable readers to visualize the points more clearly. In an increasingly visual world, we need more of such visuals. I felt challenged with I read about the authors' dream: "Imagine a church filled with people connected to the Lord, committed to personal health and well-being, and in marriages that supported those individual journeys while on a mission together to help other couples have strong marriages. That’s our dream."
I pray that it would be the dream of many couples as well.
Dr. Greg Smalley serves as the vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family. In this role, he develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages and help couples in marital crises. Dr Robert S. Paul is Vice President of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute. He’s also a licensed, professional counselor and a popular public speaker at conferences and enrichment events around the world.
Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Tyndale House Publishers and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
The first lie is one of the most popular and insidious lies that people would willingly accept. The "Happily ever after" lie sounds nice to embrace but makes a relationship fragile. What happens once the happiness factor is gone? Smalley and Paul remind us that while happiness is important, the truth is that marriage is about keeping the promises made in the marriage vow. We learn that marriage is also not about losing our individual identities after marriage. It is maintaining health both individually and together. There, the author unpacks the three different marriage models using the three equations: "1+1=1," "1+1=2," and "1+1=3." This makes for a thought-provoking check on our conventional beliefs about the nature of marriage. Couples also believe in idealistic love and romance in marriage, that love is all we need. The truth is, tough love is needed at times. The romanticizing of love usually excludes tough love. When we truly love, we will learn to be open to love. Yet, there is another lie on the other extreme of giving love: Sacrifice. Sacrifice is noble, but when it is interpreted as either totally giving in or giving up of the other person, it is no good. Any sacrifice needs to come with a willing heart. One of the most interesting chapters is the one on "you win some, you lose some" which is a negative way of expressing give-and-take. Worse, it sees marriage as some kind of a battlefield that sees conflict as something that is not supposed to happen. The truth is that conflicts are real and marriages need to prepare to deal constructively with it. the authors then show us the importance of working toward a win-win instead. Here is a summary of the nine points that marriage is:
1) Not "Happily ever after" but about keeping marital vows.
2) Not Erasing one's individuality but embracing all three: husband, wife, and them together.
3) Neither Chemistry nor connection but giving and receiving.
4) Neither giving in nor giving up but becoming more like Christ.
5) Not about meeting each other's needs but holistic care for both.
6) Not remaining in a "reactive cycle" of irreconcilable differences but to maintain a constructive interaction space.
7) Not making the other love us but improving closeness and intimacy.
8) Not about crazy love but about good emotional health.
9) Not win-lose but win-win.
My Thoughts
==============
What I like about this book is the way the authors debunk the conventional beliefs before introducing a fresh perspective. They have condensed their knowledge and experience into nine helpful ways to ensure marriages are not based on erroneous thinking. Proverbs 19:2 reminds us that "Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way." Some of us are impatient people. Like some of the weddings we see in movies, couples were so impatient that they requested the priest to fast-forward the marital vows segment to the wedding kiss. If we fail to look before we leap, we would end up in a regrettable ditch. We are reminded to be a little more critical about conventional marriage philosophies. Don't assume that happiness is the key ingredient for good marriages. It is important but it is more temporal than we may think. Like a journey that has ups and downs, a marriage that is centered on happiness depend on the ups. When the down moments come, the marriage would be challenged. The "lie" is stated clearly at the beginning of each chapter. Not only is it a summary statement of the lie in question, it is catchy enough to make readers want to know more.
Some parts of the book are disputable. For example, the "1+1=1" argument initially troubles me because of how common it was in the lighting of the unity candle. The authors were trying to explain that marriage does not mean they lose their individual personalities but to embrace the third one: Togetherness. I get that. However, they miss the point behind the blowing out of the candle. This is not about wiping away their individual selves but putting away individualism. In other words, it is a object lesson in saying that they are starting a new life, in view of their new status as husband and wife. Whatever they do to the self have ramifications for the marriage, and vice versa. In a society that is wrestling with the challenges of individualism, the reminder is even more crucial. Having said that, I get what the authors are trying to correct.
Finally, the authors did well in showing us a summary of the different models of healthy marriages. There are the "healthy marriage model," the "Care Cycle," "Heart Talk," "Seven Steps to a Win-Win" and avoiding the "Reactive Cycle model" are good references to keep in hand. I like illustrations like that as they enable readers to visualize the points more clearly. In an increasingly visual world, we need more of such visuals. I felt challenged with I read about the authors' dream: "Imagine a church filled with people connected to the Lord, committed to personal health and well-being, and in marriages that supported those individual journeys while on a mission together to help other couples have strong marriages. That’s our dream."
I pray that it would be the dream of many couples as well.
Dr. Greg Smalley serves as the vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family. In this role, he develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages and help couples in marital crises. Dr Robert S. Paul is Vice President of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute. He’s also a licensed, professional counselor and a popular public speaker at conferences and enrichment events around the world.
Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Tyndale House Publishers and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
January 7, 2021
Pg 24 “Martin Luther called marriage a school for character.”
Pg 29 “We want you to start conversations with a different goal: to build friendship through curiosity.”
You are a normal, imperfect person.
From a normal, imperfect family.
Pg 60 “A close relationship with Christ who is their sustainer.”
Pg 61 “Grateful for the reality that we are REALLY different.”
Vacation – “day on” and “day off” – to help those who like to go, and those who like to rest.
Appreciate and take advantage of the diversity God created between us.
Pg 63 “What we discovered, instead, was that when we allow our differences to blend, we now commonly find ways of operating as a couple that are far better than etiher would have found alone.”
Pg 67 – row together in the same direction.
Pg 69 “Love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love . . . Love is something (you) do, not something you feel.”
Pg 80 “previous family episodes that had left me feeling rejected, discarded, and emotionally closed.”
Pg 87 “Monitor the door of your own heart throughout the day. And monitor the door of your heart as you interact with your partner. Emotions are the voices of your heart. Learn to pay attention to them and interpret what your heart is saying. Each partner benefits by learning how to go through life with both heart and brain fully engaged. At times that will involved learning to get in touch with the feelings in your heart. At times that will mean working things out in your head by asking: How am I feeling now? Why am I feeling that? And what does this feeling show me?
Pg 88 “Ask God to let you see your spouse through His eyes. Look for things you may have overlooked. Pay particular attention to differences between how you have seen your spouse and how He does. Ask to see what He loves and values about your spouse, and ask Him why.”
Ask Him to let you feel His love deeply. Ask God to let you see yourself through His eyes.
Sit close to each other and talk openly. Learn how to “be” with each other in the moment and not distracted or preoccupied, but focused on your spouse.
Pg 97 “Hebrews 3:13 “encourage one another day after day” and Luke 9:23 “take up your cross daily.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son.”
John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragment offering and sacrifice to God.”
1 John 3:16 “By this we know love, that he Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.”
Romans 5:8 “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
1 John 4:10 “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”
Galations 2:20 “And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Pg 102 “Components of Good Stewardship….1) Value the Asset – recognize the genuine worth and value of what you have been entrusted to your care, in this case you, your life, and all you’ve been given. This includes your gifts and talents, your energy, and your potential to make a postivie difference in your spouse’s life and your family, community, world, and the Kingdom of God.
Pg 103 “….they have no real idea how much they’re worth or the real value of the assets and potential that God has created for them. Our ultimate worth and value is determined by God alone. We actually have little to say over it. So our first responsibility of stewardship is to learn to appropriately assess and actually value all that the Lord has entrusted us with.”
Parable of the Talents
Pg 105 “As a living and breathing person of value, we have various needs to attend to. We are energy-making machines, and everything we do requires an expenditure of energy. To maintain health and vitality we need adequate rest, nutrition, exercise, and other care in order to refuel and recharge.
Pg 106 “God is expecting us to prudently invest all that He has given us. Everything was created by God, so in essence He owns it all. But let’s take it even one step further. He already owns us, but He purchased us again when He gave His life for us. In reality, nothing we “own” is ours alone. That includes our bodies and our lives. It’s all His. We often forget that major fact. The Lord is obviously expecting us to value, manage, and invest all that has been entrusted to our care.”
Pg 111 “When people feel safe and secure, their hearts open and they connect and can deal with whatever problems contributed to their marriage challenges. But healing from their problems and repairing whatever damage they’ve caused will only happen if they feel safe and secure in a lifelong commitment.”
Pg 113 “The alternative is to work together to create a space both enjoy being in.”
Spiritual
Physical
Emotional
Mental
What makes you feel secure and safe?
How can I best support you when you’re having a bad day or feeling blue?
Are there any talents, skills, or hobbies that you would like to develop? How could I help make that a reality?
What do you think is the secret behind couples that have been happily married for more than thirty years?
Pg 131 “Self-care is: Taking full adult responsibility for yourself. If involves practicing a balanced approach toward personal health and well-being for all four aspects of a person. It differs from selfishness because you see your needs and desires not as more important than other’s needs and desires, but just as important.”
Nutrition, rest, exercise.
1. Aware
2. Accept – Fully accept the job of caring for yourself. Welcome your feelings, even if you don’t understand them and / or they’re unpleasant. Feelings are designed to provide the critical information about what’s really going on.
3. Allow – prayerfully allow God to help. “God, I could sure use a hand here. Can you help me understand what’s going on in me and what responsibility caring for myself would look like in this case? I could sure use some extra strength, wisdom, insight, and patience, because right now I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
“taking care of Bob squad”
“I’m struggling with something and could use some help sorting it out. You got a minute?”
In all cases, thought, remember that as an adult you have to maintain full responsibility for the job. All support people are purely volunteers, including your spouse!
4. Attend – what am I feeling right now? What are these feelings trying to tell me? Where is this feeling coming from? Have I felt this way before? Is this feeling reminding me of something from my past? Do I believe something here that might not actually be true? What is the truth here? What am I wanting here?
5. Act – CARE FOR YOURSELF
a. Sharpen your daily proactive self-care needs.
If getting alone isn’t available, I pray in the moment and ask God to be with me and lend a hand in those less-than-ideal circumstances.
The goal is to understand myself, to make sure I stay well cared for.
Pg 144 I want to remain true to the godly woman I am created to be.
Pg 145 “I know that is not the man God created me to be. I want better for me and you. Just know going forward, I am on it.”
Pg 147 “Fully exercising care for self means that I take full responsibility for making sue I am well cared for mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I can’t blame anyone else for the bad things I feel and think.”
Quiet. Focused. Still.
Get to know yourself. Spend some time reflecting about and exploring your own emotions.
OPTIMUM RELATIONSHIPS DEPEND ON HOW ADEPTLY YOU HANDLE CONFLICT.
Work through conflict only using methods that are respectful and kind, as if you are actually dealing with someone you like.
Pg 171 Humble yourselves. God gives grace to the humble. James 4:6
Pg 189 “you can feel safe emotionally, you can feel safe physically, you can feel safe mentally, you can feel safe spriritually)
Pg 197 “what do I do, or not do that makes my spouse feel less safe in our marriage? What can I do to make my marriage feel safer for my spouse and for me?”
Psalm 30:6-7
Psalm 30:11
Psalm 30:5
Speak words of LIFE!
Pg 236 “1. Conflict is real because differences between partners are real (and good).
2. Good marriage partners aren’t combatants. They are members of the same team and must work together as one.
3. Conflicting issues need to be addressed, but not through figting. Make your marriage a no-fight zone!
1. Adopt the No Losers Policy
2. Heart Talk the Issue
3. PRAY FOR UNITY
4. Brainstorm your options
5. Evaluate Options and Choose one you both feel good about
6. Try it
7. Check back in and rework it, If necessary
In marriage, you are on the same team.
Win Win – date night combining both of your desires/wishes – compromise to make the best decision.
P 266 How will you used you marriage to bless others?
Francis Chan “Picture marriage as a vehicle for mission, an opportunity for Christians to carry out our mission to make disciples of all the nations.”
Pg 29 “We want you to start conversations with a different goal: to build friendship through curiosity.”
You are a normal, imperfect person.
From a normal, imperfect family.
Pg 60 “A close relationship with Christ who is their sustainer.”
Pg 61 “Grateful for the reality that we are REALLY different.”
Vacation – “day on” and “day off” – to help those who like to go, and those who like to rest.
Appreciate and take advantage of the diversity God created between us.
Pg 63 “What we discovered, instead, was that when we allow our differences to blend, we now commonly find ways of operating as a couple that are far better than etiher would have found alone.”
Pg 67 – row together in the same direction.
Pg 69 “Love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love . . . Love is something (you) do, not something you feel.”
Pg 80 “previous family episodes that had left me feeling rejected, discarded, and emotionally closed.”
Pg 87 “Monitor the door of your own heart throughout the day. And monitor the door of your heart as you interact with your partner. Emotions are the voices of your heart. Learn to pay attention to them and interpret what your heart is saying. Each partner benefits by learning how to go through life with both heart and brain fully engaged. At times that will involved learning to get in touch with the feelings in your heart. At times that will mean working things out in your head by asking: How am I feeling now? Why am I feeling that? And what does this feeling show me?
Pg 88 “Ask God to let you see your spouse through His eyes. Look for things you may have overlooked. Pay particular attention to differences between how you have seen your spouse and how He does. Ask to see what He loves and values about your spouse, and ask Him why.”
Ask Him to let you feel His love deeply. Ask God to let you see yourself through His eyes.
Sit close to each other and talk openly. Learn how to “be” with each other in the moment and not distracted or preoccupied, but focused on your spouse.
Pg 97 “Hebrews 3:13 “encourage one another day after day” and Luke 9:23 “take up your cross daily.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son.”
John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragment offering and sacrifice to God.”
1 John 3:16 “By this we know love, that he Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.”
Romans 5:8 “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
1 John 4:10 “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”
Galations 2:20 “And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Pg 102 “Components of Good Stewardship….1) Value the Asset – recognize the genuine worth and value of what you have been entrusted to your care, in this case you, your life, and all you’ve been given. This includes your gifts and talents, your energy, and your potential to make a postivie difference in your spouse’s life and your family, community, world, and the Kingdom of God.
Pg 103 “….they have no real idea how much they’re worth or the real value of the assets and potential that God has created for them. Our ultimate worth and value is determined by God alone. We actually have little to say over it. So our first responsibility of stewardship is to learn to appropriately assess and actually value all that the Lord has entrusted us with.”
Parable of the Talents
Pg 105 “As a living and breathing person of value, we have various needs to attend to. We are energy-making machines, and everything we do requires an expenditure of energy. To maintain health and vitality we need adequate rest, nutrition, exercise, and other care in order to refuel and recharge.
Pg 106 “God is expecting us to prudently invest all that He has given us. Everything was created by God, so in essence He owns it all. But let’s take it even one step further. He already owns us, but He purchased us again when He gave His life for us. In reality, nothing we “own” is ours alone. That includes our bodies and our lives. It’s all His. We often forget that major fact. The Lord is obviously expecting us to value, manage, and invest all that has been entrusted to our care.”
Pg 111 “When people feel safe and secure, their hearts open and they connect and can deal with whatever problems contributed to their marriage challenges. But healing from their problems and repairing whatever damage they’ve caused will only happen if they feel safe and secure in a lifelong commitment.”
Pg 113 “The alternative is to work together to create a space both enjoy being in.”
Spiritual
Physical
Emotional
Mental
What makes you feel secure and safe?
How can I best support you when you’re having a bad day or feeling blue?
Are there any talents, skills, or hobbies that you would like to develop? How could I help make that a reality?
What do you think is the secret behind couples that have been happily married for more than thirty years?
Pg 131 “Self-care is: Taking full adult responsibility for yourself. If involves practicing a balanced approach toward personal health and well-being for all four aspects of a person. It differs from selfishness because you see your needs and desires not as more important than other’s needs and desires, but just as important.”
Nutrition, rest, exercise.
1. Aware
2. Accept – Fully accept the job of caring for yourself. Welcome your feelings, even if you don’t understand them and / or they’re unpleasant. Feelings are designed to provide the critical information about what’s really going on.
3. Allow – prayerfully allow God to help. “God, I could sure use a hand here. Can you help me understand what’s going on in me and what responsibility caring for myself would look like in this case? I could sure use some extra strength, wisdom, insight, and patience, because right now I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
“taking care of Bob squad”
“I’m struggling with something and could use some help sorting it out. You got a minute?”
In all cases, thought, remember that as an adult you have to maintain full responsibility for the job. All support people are purely volunteers, including your spouse!
4. Attend – what am I feeling right now? What are these feelings trying to tell me? Where is this feeling coming from? Have I felt this way before? Is this feeling reminding me of something from my past? Do I believe something here that might not actually be true? What is the truth here? What am I wanting here?
5. Act – CARE FOR YOURSELF
a. Sharpen your daily proactive self-care needs.
If getting alone isn’t available, I pray in the moment and ask God to be with me and lend a hand in those less-than-ideal circumstances.
The goal is to understand myself, to make sure I stay well cared for.
Pg 144 I want to remain true to the godly woman I am created to be.
Pg 145 “I know that is not the man God created me to be. I want better for me and you. Just know going forward, I am on it.”
Pg 147 “Fully exercising care for self means that I take full responsibility for making sue I am well cared for mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I can’t blame anyone else for the bad things I feel and think.”
Quiet. Focused. Still.
Get to know yourself. Spend some time reflecting about and exploring your own emotions.
OPTIMUM RELATIONSHIPS DEPEND ON HOW ADEPTLY YOU HANDLE CONFLICT.
Work through conflict only using methods that are respectful and kind, as if you are actually dealing with someone you like.
Pg 171 Humble yourselves. God gives grace to the humble. James 4:6
Pg 189 “you can feel safe emotionally, you can feel safe physically, you can feel safe mentally, you can feel safe spriritually)
Pg 197 “what do I do, or not do that makes my spouse feel less safe in our marriage? What can I do to make my marriage feel safer for my spouse and for me?”
Psalm 30:6-7
Psalm 30:11
Psalm 30:5
Speak words of LIFE!
Pg 236 “1. Conflict is real because differences between partners are real (and good).
2. Good marriage partners aren’t combatants. They are members of the same team and must work together as one.
3. Conflicting issues need to be addressed, but not through figting. Make your marriage a no-fight zone!
1. Adopt the No Losers Policy
2. Heart Talk the Issue
3. PRAY FOR UNITY
4. Brainstorm your options
5. Evaluate Options and Choose one you both feel good about
6. Try it
7. Check back in and rework it, If necessary
In marriage, you are on the same team.
Win Win – date night combining both of your desires/wishes – compromise to make the best decision.
P 266 How will you used you marriage to bless others?
Francis Chan “Picture marriage as a vehicle for mission, an opportunity for Christians to carry out our mission to make disciples of all the nations.”
July 4, 2025
9 Lies really hit home with me. It walks through the lies that culture teaches us make a good marriage, but they actually don't. Greg Smalley and Bob Paul have a marriage model that is a little different than what I've seen before, but it makes a lot of sense. Each chapter has a short assessment to see how you're thinking about each of the lies (I did pretty bad across the board). From the beginning to the end, I could relate with all of the lies, and need to work on them all.
Favorite quotes:
p. 15 - "When happiness is seen as a major purpose for getting married, lack of happiness can lead to disappointment, frustration, and even comparison to other marriages perceived to be happier than theirs."
p. 113 - "Love requires sacrifice, but sacrifice doesn't require burning out the lover."
p. 126 - "True love is about desire, not need. You don't love your spouse because you need him or her. Your love is fueled by an intense longing to be with your spouse. You can live without them - you just don't want to!"
p. 153 - "Differences were created by God on purpose, for a purpose."
p. 184 - "Intimacy can flourish when people feel safe and secure, so you're objective should not be on making intimacy happen, or getting open, but in creating the kind of safe, secure, loving environment where closeness can thrive."
p. 208 - "When someone believes that their feelings matter to another, they feel loved, even when the feelings seem irrational."
p. 235 - "Fighting is fighting, fair or not. Fighting occurs between opponents. When teammates fight, in that moment, they become adversaries."
Favorite quotes:
p. 15 - "When happiness is seen as a major purpose for getting married, lack of happiness can lead to disappointment, frustration, and even comparison to other marriages perceived to be happier than theirs."
p. 113 - "Love requires sacrifice, but sacrifice doesn't require burning out the lover."
p. 126 - "True love is about desire, not need. You don't love your spouse because you need him or her. Your love is fueled by an intense longing to be with your spouse. You can live without them - you just don't want to!"
p. 153 - "Differences were created by God on purpose, for a purpose."
p. 184 - "Intimacy can flourish when people feel safe and secure, so you're objective should not be on making intimacy happen, or getting open, but in creating the kind of safe, secure, loving environment where closeness can thrive."
p. 208 - "When someone believes that their feelings matter to another, they feel loved, even when the feelings seem irrational."
p. 235 - "Fighting is fighting, fair or not. Fighting occurs between opponents. When teammates fight, in that moment, they become adversaries."
September 16, 2020
#9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage # by Greg Smalley and Robert Paul. This book is a wonderful Christian living book. Greg earned his doctoral clinical psychology degree from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola in Southern California. He has two Masters degrees in counseling from Denver Seminary and Clinical Psychology at Rosemead School of Psychology. He is president of the Smalley Marriage Institute in Branson, Missouri. He is also chairman of the board at the National Marriage Association. He has been on television and radio programs. He has written lots of articles on counseling. This book is a wonderful resource for anyone who is married as well as pastors and counselors. It is important to know the lies that will destroy your marriage before your marriage is damaged. The lies are presented and explained. Then the author shares and example of a marriage with the lie. Then the author tells the reader how to act in a way that is more healthy for your marriage. There are wonderful illustrations for each of the lies. and the solutions. The illustrations are very helpful. The solutions to the lies are helpful. I am happy I was able to read and review this wonderful book. It is an outstanding book and so very helpful. It is coming out at a time when their are so many troubles in our world and in marriages. Thank you to the publisher, netgalley, the author for allowing me to read and review this book. The opinions are my own .
January 16, 2021
There were several good points here, but I think I would have enjoyed it more had I read it with my husband rather than just reading it alone. Each chapter has questions to help couples discuss and examine patterns within the marriage, and it would be more effective with both spouses participating, imo. (That's not an indictment on my husband, I was unaware of this format when starting it and was reading it at the recommendation of a friend who was reading it at the recommendation of her therapist.)
While I thought there were good points, I also frequently felt like the author belabored those points. On the other hand, I've been married 28 years and have read several books about marriage and been to multiple marriage retreats so maybe the detail would be beneficial to others. There were a few times I didn't wholly agree with what was said, but I had to return the book to the library so I can't reference back to the specific points. Overall, however, I wouldn't discourage someone from reading it, I'm just not jumping up and down to recommend it either.
While I thought there were good points, I also frequently felt like the author belabored those points. On the other hand, I've been married 28 years and have read several books about marriage and been to multiple marriage retreats so maybe the detail would be beneficial to others. There were a few times I didn't wholly agree with what was said, but I had to return the book to the library so I can't reference back to the specific points. Overall, however, I wouldn't discourage someone from reading it, I'm just not jumping up and down to recommend it either.
September 3, 2020
Highly recommended!
Marriage is one the best gifts of grace granted to human beings by God. Nonetheless, ever since the fall, it was also impacted by sin and thus their are challenges faced by couples. Throughout the years, various means have been used to prepare couples for it, and unfortunately some of them are lies which might easily impact the union. In this book, the authors look at 9 of the most popular lies, diagnose them, and help give a solution on how such lies might be addressed by the couple and thus help bring them together.
Marriage is one the best gifts of grace granted to human beings by God. Nonetheless, ever since the fall, it was also impacted by sin and thus their are challenges faced by couples. Throughout the years, various means have been used to prepare couples for it, and unfortunately some of them are lies which might easily impact the union. In this book, the authors look at 9 of the most popular lies, diagnose them, and help give a solution on how such lies might be addressed by the couple and thus help bring them together.
February 16, 2024
Esperaba muy poco de este libro, agradezco la manera en que expresa y abre los ojos a cosas que quizá nunca consideraste y solo creíste. Otras agradeces que haya escrito por ti. Es un libro que sí me gustaría comentar con mi esposo a ver qué piensa él. Nuestros entornos al crecer seguramente nos enseñaron diferentes mentiras.
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July 11, 2020Great book on marriage! Helps to highlight common misconceptions in our culture about marriage and the problems they cause. There are practical steps for strengthening marriage so that both spouses are healthy adults and work together to have a healthy relationship.
December 12, 2020
Very thought provoking book. You never have enough resources to help you build your marriage relationship.
Worth the read!
Thanks Netgalley for complimentary copy, thoughts and opinions are my own.
Worth the read!
Thanks Netgalley for complimentary copy, thoughts and opinions are my own.
April 29, 2024
This may well be a great book to read, with a lot of useful info. However, the audio version is like sitting through a two hour lecture from your monotone professor who is just going through the motions.
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September 24, 2024This is one of the better Christian marriage books I've read. It doesn't just promote "dieing to self" but includes the importance of each having a full whole self within marriage. Useful steps and processes, not just a bunch of scripture about marriage.
October 2, 2023
Very helpful and practical. I really appreciated the stories from their counseling experience and how they helped the couples work through their issues.
May 22, 2025
I think the advice is good, but the book could have been shorter and the stories less repetitive. They could have focused more on the action steps and practices then the stories themselves.
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