Viața în doi, când suntem trei

by John M. Gottman

Aveti copii si e minunat! Dar nu uitati ca aveti si o casnicie… Un copil e o experienta care-ti aduce mare bucurie, dar pana si cele mai trainice relatii sunt puse la incercare – pana cand voi doi va obisnuiti cu faptul ca ati devenit trei (sau patru… sau mai multi) si invatati sa convietuiti in mod fericit.
Iata cei sase pasi pe care voi, cei doi parteneri de cuplu, ii puteti face pentru a va regasi fericirea

• Savurati prietenia dintre voi – sunteti in aceeasi oala.

• Bucurati-va de toate momentele petrecute impreuna cu copilul.

• Aplanati-va conflictele si depasiti blocajele (vorba dulce si negocierea va vor duce departe).

• Condimentati-va din plin viata sexuala si reaprindeti focul pasiunii.

• Admiteti cat e de importanta pentru copil afectiunea tatalui.

• Creati o mostenire spirituala si emotionala de valoare – nu costa mult, dar e nepretuita.

Odata deprinse abilitatile prin care puteti face fata vietii de cuplu cu copii, veti infrunta dificultatile ca doi aliati, evitand capcanele parentingului. Si fiindca practica e necesara pentru orice reusita, aveti sansa de a incerca numeroasele exercitii si chestionare incluse in carte. In fata ochilor, vi se deschide calea de parcurs de la „dezastru“ la „maestru“ in relatia de cuplu.

„Probabil, cea mai valoroasa carte despre realitatea cuplurilor care au copii.“ — Gaspar Gyorgy, autor al cartii Revolutia iubirii

„Suntem multe femei in redactia A List Magazine si o tema dezbatuta adeseori este cea legata de cum se schimba (sau cum ne-ar putea schimba copiii) viata de cuplu. Unele dintre noi au noroc de bunici care le lasa libertatea cuplului dinaintea venirii copiilor, altele cauta disperate bone, altele nu fac copii de frica sa nu le fure libertatea timpului in doi, iar altele se dedica integral copiilor si uita de iubiti – sau uita de copii, de frica sa nu-si piarda barbatii. Asadar, Viata in doi, cand suntem trei a venit ca un mare ajutor pentru noi toate si credem ca va avea acelasi impact benefic asupra fiecarei cititoare. Va recomandam sa o cititi cu incredere!“ — Andreea Esca, publisher A List Magazine

„O carte despre cum sa pastram mereu in fundal, neclintite si puternice, dragostea, aprecierea si recunostinta pentru ce avem, chiar daca, in mod natural, viata de familie si cresterea copiilor inseamna si provocare si destabilizare. Un colac de salvare pentru mami si tati, astfel incat sa regaseasca magia intimitatii de la inceput.“ — Oana Moraru, consultant national pe politici educationale, manager Scoala Helikon

„O carte pentru un viitor cu parinti si copii fericiti. O colectie de exercitii care te ajuta sa te cunosti mai bine si sa intelegi cum poti vedea «lumina de la capatul tunelului».“ — Dana Nalbaru si Dragos Bucur

„In prima luna a fost simplu. Stateam muti de admiratie si nedormiti de grija, in fata puiului de om alaturi de care ne incepuseram noua viata. In timp, ne-a facut sa trecem prin sentimente atat de puternice, incat sigur am uitat de noi. Fericire, surpriza, bucurie, frica, furie, emotie, instrainare, regasire… pe toate le-am incercat. Primul an a fost un test neintrerupt, iar daca azi suntem patru – fiindca, intre timp, a mai aparut o minune de copil – e si pentru ca ne-am dorit atat de mult sa trecem acel test. Viata in doi, cand suntem trei a sotilor Gottman poate fi un raspuns la sutele de intrebari pe care ti le pui la inceputul vietii de parinte.“ — Paula Herlo si Cristian Leonte

„John Gottman a facut valva, aratand ca o relatie fericita are nevoie de 5 interactiuni pozitive pentru fiecare interactiune negativa.“ — „Our Love Affair With Predicting Divorce“, The New York Times

„De-a lungul deceniilor, John a facut cercetari longitudinale pe mai mult de 3.000 de cupluri, descoperind tiparele certurilor si comportamentele subtile care pot prevesti daca un cuplu va ramane peste ani fericit sau daca va ajunge nefericit ori divortat.“ — „Love in the Age of Big Data“, The Huffington Post

Dr. John Gottman este unul dintre cei mai influenti psihoterapeuti activi in lume in ultimul sfert de secol. A devenit cunoscut pentru cercetarile sale privind in special stabilitatea conjugala si predictiile despre divort, relatia parinte-copil si dezvoltarea emotionala. Vreme de peste 40 de ani, a condus o activitate de observare stiintifica directa (pe esantioane insumand mii de cupluri, analizate in studii longitudinale). Descoperirile sale au aparut in renumite publicatii de specialitate. Este profesor emerit de psihologie, primind titulatura Catedrei James Mifflin din cadrul University of Washington, institutie in incinta careia a fondat „The Love Lab“ (unde s-au desfasurat multe dintre cercetarile sale). E membru al American Psychological Association si este cofondator si director la The Gottman Institute si la Relationship Research Institute din Seattle. Pentru contributia sa la dezvoltarea teoriilor de cuplu si parenting, a fost distins cu premii de catre importante institutii americane...

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Relationships, Marriage, Psychology, Self Help, Family

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Dr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.

Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.

Reviews

[Julia Murtha · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book came highly recommended from my early childhood teacher. The idea and concept of the book is excellent as most people experience difficulty in maintaining their relationship after bringing home a baby. The author does a great job of outlining basic ways to get and stay connected to your partner. The disappointing part of the book is that the author provided examples of partners that held very traditional roles-- father works and is hands off and mother is the main caregiver. Also, he assumes that the father is uncomfortable caring for the baby and does not know what to do. I am hoping the main concepts of the book were updated to reflect a more modern household.

[Erika RS · Rating 5 out of 5]

A baby puts stress on a relationship. How well a couple weathers that stress is important both for the health of that relationship and on the longer term happiness and well being of the baby. The effects are both direct and indirect: stress can lead directly to distress in everyone in the family, and it can also lead to eventual divorce and the negative consequences of that.

This book takes a practical and concrete approach to helping couples handle the changes that a new baby brings. Unlike much of the advice on the topic, this isn't just things like "appreciate each other" or "divide chores evenly". This book is filled with detailed exercises which, if you go through them with your partner, will help you figure out what areas are likely to be troublesome for you and help you deal with them.

One thing to note about this book: most of it isn't specific to parents. Although I haven't read all of Gottman's books, of the three I have read (this one, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail , and The Science of Trust ), this one is by far the best presentation of practical exercises to help a couple improve their communication. My husband and I found the exercises valuable as we went through them, even ignoring the upcoming baby. So even if you aren't parents, this book may be worth taking a look at.

[Heath · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! This book has been so helpful. I wish I had read it when my wife was pregnant, but better late than never. The content covers so much helpful ground and gives practical steps for couples who are welcoming their first child. I had no idea what to expect and this book really helped to normalize the experience of being a first time parent, driving away shame and offering encouragement. As a pastor, I plan to use this with any first time parents in my congregation. All that said, like any good book, I don’t agree with everything, but overall it provides a good foundation.

[Lori Ben-ezra · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've read other books by the Gottmans, then you've already read most of this book. It's basically reiterating their research and clinical theories, with a few extra chapters on how this applies to couples expecting their first child or new parents. There's great information presented in the book, just don't expect any new information if you're familiar with their work.

[Stephanie Kline · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's not entirely this book's fault that it didn't really resonate with me. Maybe I expected too much. As a new mom of a 4 1/2 month old, I have certainly seen first-hand how life with a newborn can impact a marriage - even one that seemed like the most solid, can't-touch-this kind of marriage. My husband and I were surprised that it was easier for us to use tense words with each other, and to feel more frustrated in our relationship once our son arrived. Although things have MUCH improved now that we've gained some footing as new parents, I was still curious about this book and the kind of wisdom it might offer... namely, how to make marriage a priority after baby. I was hoping for tips and tricks, tried and true advice from other new parents - that kind of thing. Instead, this felt much more like a general marriage counseling book (not that I've read one of those).

This was mainly about how to communicate effectively, and how to diffuse arguments. It was about seeing the other's side of a situation, and controlling your tone when speaking. It was about opening up for more heartfelt conversation, not taking things too personally, managing expectations, etc. Overall, the vast majority of this content just didn't apply to me.

I also felt like too many of these examples maintained a very traditional husband/wife role -- man works/wife stays home with the children. That made a lot of this hard to relate to as well. Both my husband and I work. I feel this should be updated to reflect the more common husband/wife roles of 2020.

Anyway, it wasn't a BAD book, but it wasn't what I expected. I think, in general, I know the answers I'm looking for though - and maybe they don't require an entire book to be written on them.

[E · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like asking a friend for advice and then hearing what you sort of already knew you were supposed to be doing.

In short: Parenting is stressful and tiring. Communicate as much as possible. Maintain intimacy (not just sex). Try to see things from your partner's view. Keep things spicy (quickies, masturbation, porn, oral, or roleplaying). Make sure Dads are involved parents with Baby. Think about "we" instead of "me".

It's not the book's fault I found this all so basic. I think I was looking for some magical tidbit of advice I hadn't thought of before, like how to not be tired, haha.

Having said all that, if open communication about intimate subjects is challenging for your partnership, as it is for so many, there are a lot of good exercises in here to help. In fact, some of them are foundational and may help folks who don't even have small kids yet/anymore.

[Chelsea Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a real gem. The premise is that couples naturally have areas of life where their personalities or philosophies differ. Over time, and under the pressure cooker of having a baby (or other external stressors), these differences become “problem areas” that come up again and again and can lead to conflict. What separates the “master couples” from “disaster couples” is how they are able to have conversations rather than conflicts when differences arise.

To that end, the book is full of strategies and exercises to help with things like initiating a conversation regarding a problem area in a gentle way, coming to a compromise, and repairing the relationship quickly and effectively when needed. It is also full of fascinating longitudinal studies from the authors’ lab. I would highly recommend it to new parents and I enjoyed the audiobook, although some of the lists and example conversations would be better suited to skim in the text version.

[Art · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Small things often"- this is the advice the Gottmans give to couples to help their marital relationship survive and develop further after a new baby arrives. I especially appreciated their tips on making arguments/disagreements more respectful, tips like: give compliments, make light jokes, and listen to feelings during arguments. Restate your spouses' position before giving your own. Compromise, don't overgeneralize. This is real practical advice, and there's years of research behind what he's saying. The research is interesting for those that need it, the stories of couples that Gottman followed for years is even more interesting. I'd recommend this for couples with babies or couples who are considering having babies.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Somewhat formulaic at times and life isn't really that way, but overall great review/discussion of some of the pitfalls of relationships, especially after having a baby, with lots of suggestions for important and productive conversations to have to avoid the pitfalls.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had some very helpful advice on how to transition to parenthood without losing the relationship with your partner. I appreciated that it talked about fighting and how to resolve it effectively. I would recommend this book to other first time parents early on.

[Michael De Paola · Rating 3 out of 5]

Coming up on the halfway mark... some good ideas, but too much of a rehash of earlier books.

Early on this book starts out as a condemnation that if you're not always acting on the best behavior in front of your spouse during pregnancy that your children will have all sorts of development problems. The evidence is okay, but not completely damming. Either way though, real life gets in the way and it didn't seem to offer many solutions. The second half of this book was much better than the first. I particularly enjoyed a chapter on involved fathering and the positive outcomes it can make in children's lives. This pushed it into three-star range.

[Tricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brian and I took turns reading this out loud. It was slow-going, but worth the effort. If you've read other Gottman material, you'll definitely notice some repeated material. The exercises and discussion prompts were the most valuable aspects of the book, since we don't normally ponder matters such as the dreams behind our mundane wishes or how we hope to instill a family legacy. The book also encouraged good, frank discussion about our fears and sex and family history.

[Liz De Coster · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basically the same as all his/their other books, and for the most part could be easily summarized in a blog post.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some helpful research data but also mostly super obvious examples of how not to treat each other like shit once your baby is born.

[Lauren Gilbert · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book contains some good info that I think will be helpful to most readers. The exercises and the research conclusions are very interesting to me. However, most of the research is outdated (the edition I had was from 2001, I believe). Some of the advice is just so glaringly sexist and obnoxious. Furthermore, the style in the book is very disjointed. I know there are two authors, but there were at least three written voice styles. The parts expounding research read like they were from a whole other book, while the anecdotal stories to support the point of the chapter were kind of poetic and lofty, in a corny way. Then there were the exercises, which are just lists usually.

I read this book on recommendation by people on Reddit. I'd say you can skip this book in favor of some more up to date book on parenting and parental relationships. I don't know of one, but I will be keeping my eye out. Lmk if you have a rec.

[Heidi Goehmann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am a big fan of the Gottman’s and wholeheartedly endorse their relational therapy methods. This book however was extremely removed from their usual awareness of differing relationships and roles in marriage and romantic/family partnerships. This book, unlike any of the other Gottman work and methods bordered on (or flat out was) offensive. I’d refer the reader to their website instead to read current articles and perhaps take a Bringing Home Baby course or meet with a Gottman trained therapist and use the Gottman Card Deck app. The Sound Relationship House Theory and methods are exceptional. This book is unfortunately not. As writers and researchers we all grow, and I myself have found things I’ve written I would reword. In my trainings with the Gottman’s , I’ve learned they are very aware people. I’m guessing they’d very much like to reword parts of this book.

[Joshua Marx · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars, but rounded up. The material in the book was really good, but it is very redundant, hence the mark down. Read this with my wife while she was pregnant and it was really good so we could discuss the baby and foresee the stresses on our relationship. It is great to focus on each other now that we have the baby, and to make sure we all get what we need. It does seem to cast fathers in a semi-negative light, like we don't know how to care for a baby or might not want to; not really overtly, but the message is there. That part might be true for some, but was also a negative. Overall, I thought the message was good, just wordy.

[Cherniakhivska · Rating 2 out of 5]

Цю книжку мені давно радили і я її давно купила, а прочитала тільки зараз (ну як, проглянула), очевидно, невчасно, бо вона мені капець яка занудна і тільки роздратувала, я від неї чекала іншого, якогось більшого життя замість опису тупих ситуацій і діалогів і нікому не потрібних тестів. Найнормальніший там вступ зі статистикою, що після народження дитини дві третини пар починають почуватися нещаснішими, ніж до народження дитини.

[Emily Iannaccio · Rating 3 out of 5]

No baby yet, but the Gottman’s kept being referenced in my other postpartum books so gave it a try. Figured reading about relationships post baby could help build my foundation of understanding while I prepare for this next season/ postpartum. Some good little nuggets in here, while some felt like common sense.

[Kayliegh · Rating 1 out of 5]

Super heteronormative, antiquated gender roles, and white centered. So disappointed that someone even recommended this book in 2024. Did not finish

[Dave Wainwright · Rating 4 out of 5]

:D

[Alexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

We received this book as a gift from a friend who is a Gottman fan. I wasn't previously familiar with the author's research and books, so I didn't run into an issue with the content feeling repetitive or like a rehash of previous works. Overall, for what it is I think they do a very nice job. Thankfully, my husband and I have a very strong relationship and if anything, I think having a child together has strengthened our relationship. While some of the tips in this book are very helpful and insightful, like doing small things for each other to help maintain and enhance intimacy, and a few of the tips for defusing arguments and improving intimacy were helpful, most of it to me felt like things I already knew. That being said, my husband and I have been together for 10 years and waited to have children, so we've had a lot of time to work on "fighting well" and we are very respectful of each other's feelings. If our relationship had been struggling, this might have been very helpful. They include exercises to try to improve communication and some checklists and tips that might be nice to do with a partner if your partner needs to improve their emotional range and sensitivity. It also might be more helpful to read prior to having a baby just to prepare yourself, rather than after you've navigated a lot of the newborn struggles that are definitely coming from a more heated emotionally unstable place. Overall, helpful and probably very much so if your relationship has been hurting since having a child.

[Jonathan Ehrich · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went really back and forth on this throughout the process of reading this. Overall, I think it's good and helpful, but there's a lot of dreck to skim past or wade through depending on your reading style.

The good: the work clearly and concisely summarizes the results of various studies that suggest properties of successful relationships that can withstand the stresses of early parent life, and is full of great exercises designed to help partners reconnect and thrive during one of life's hardest chapters.

The less good: a lot of the book really focuses on things that feel very relationship 101 to me. There's often a portrayal of relationships that are doing less well, which meet the cishet stereotype of partners who secretly hate each other and constantly insult each other (for examples, see any sitcom that aired throughout my entire childhood). Tips aimed at this type of couple rarely seemed particularly useful to me. There's also a fair amount of content that feels casually sexist in 2019, both in the forms of observations of relationships (which often goes unremarked upon) and also occasionally in the text of the book itself.

The actively bad: there's a lot of scenarios portraying various interactions between couples in various contexts - and the dialogue they wrote for it is horrible. Be prepared to encounter couple who call each other slobs, men going off about how fat their wives are, and women insulting their husband's abilities in bed in the crassest possible terms. It's all eye-rollingly florid, and often worth skipping outright.

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let's just say it: if you've read one John Gottman book, you've read them all. I should have bypassed this in favor of a marriage-with-baby book by a different author, because this is basically just Gottman's 7 principles for making marriage work repackaged with more examples that include mention of a baby. There were also sections that just felt like "filler," such as the history of childbirth/fathers being in the room at birth, the long sections about baby's development, etc. It would have been sufficient just to focus on how these topics intersected with marriage rather than trying to be a childbirth history book, an attachment parenting primer, AND a marriage workshop all rolled into one. Of course, I probably would have gotten more out of this book if my husband and I had actually worked through all the exercises, but I always have trouble buckling down and doing the exercises in books, and getting him to do it would have been even harder. There were a lot of marriage quizzes that I did feel out and that made me feel as if I were back in the days of reading teen mags again.

This would definitely be useful if you haven't read Gottman before. He is the best when it comes to marriage. But if you've already encountered his research, there's just not much new here.

[Max · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was useful for us after our first baby was born. It would probably be useful to most long-term partners of any type. If you’ve never read a book aimed at improving your relationship skills (I’d say everyone should), this would be a fine one to start with if you are married.

It is breezier and less detailed than some similar books, which makes it easier to read. But I’ve also appreciated deeper dives, such as into the moment by moment dynamics of a couple’s fights in the book “The High Conflict Couple,” which I’d recommend as much or more than this one. Also I had to tolerate this book’s occasional tendency to reify traditional gender roles. It was mostly harmless but still annoying.

This was the first relationship book in which I have found the concept of Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA), which the Gottmans describe as a Flight or Fight Response in relationships. I’m not sure if this concept is a Gottman invention or more widely recognized. However it seemed to have explanatory power for situations I’ve been in, and I appreciated it very much.

[Megan]

I had checked this book out from the library sometime in my third trimester but never finished it before it was due. Subsequently learned it’s available on Spotify audiobooks, but the content really doesn’t lend itself to audio. There are a lot of exercises and things that you’d need the physical book for, but I didn’t think it would be worth picking it up again. The couple examples given in this book I found to be a little far fetched in comparison to my relationship. I thought the Love Prescription by the same authors was a much better book on learning to thrive in a marriage. Nevertheless, I jotted down some points from the book that stood out:

1. The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between parents.
2. Try not to fight in front of kids. Have problem-solving meeting times to address issues.
3. Ask for break during conversation when it gets heated. Come up with a specific time - at least 30 minutes and no longer than a day.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

"When we savor each other, our abies rest in the cradle of our contentment". -John Gottman

I thought this was a great book, that gives great tips on how to preserve intimacy and romance after baby comes. I also read John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and found a lot of the same information and tools in this book as he used in that book. I love Gottman's idea of Love Maps.

As with any Marriage book you take what you like and leave what you don't. There are some things in the book that I disagree with, but overall it was a great reminder to be pro-active with your marriage when change or stressful transitions are taking place, like the birth of your second baby! :)

[AYAH · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is great, and I am a big fan of Dr Gottman's work.. but GOD so much emotional correctness! I don't believe in all that sharing and talking about childhood and stuff! it can backfire.. AND seriously! if a couple can spend hours doing "exercises" to improve their relationship I suggest they better go out and have one!!! So annoying! so far Susan Page is my all time favorite author when it come sto relationship..

[Cheree Moore · Rating 2 out of 5]

To be quite honest, this read like a marital counseling book targeted at couples who had not been married very long. My husband and I have almost a decade of marriage under our belts and the issues discussed in the book are essentially non issues for us. So maybe a good read for a young couple or a newly married couple, but not for us. I need to find a book that addresses people who have chosen to wait a significant amount of time before they decided to have children.

[Amy Etzel · Rating 2 out of 5]

None of the marital issues this book brings up are created by having children-- having children just exposes weaknesses that were already there. All of the instruction from this book should be learned BEFORE having kids--like how to work through conflict graciously, or have a viewpoint of "we, not me." These issues were not only discussed during our premarital class, they were addressed better.