Come closer, my friend. Sit by me. Sit by, relax, and use that sparkling nose of yours. Take a whiff if you can. Utilise your 'olfactory' superpowers to the best of your abilities. Now, tell me...what do you smell? Don't be shy, please. I need some backup here. Tell me, won't you? Don't you smell it as well? Does the air not feel heavy and dour and absolutely reek of something like...utter sickening bullcrap?
If your answer's a resounding yes. I suppose we have read the same book then. It makes me believe that we make quite the pair. And together, we'd be more than happy to discard Jay Alani for the obvious phoney that he is! (A fraud would be a better synonym if we're in a mood to be cruel.)
What?
Stop looking at me like that. And do pardon the dramatics. I had to make this a bit entertaining. At least one of us has to try when the author clearly isn't. Right?
But before that. It's necessary to remind everyone that I am, in fact, a believer. I have my personal set of beliefs and a deep-lying interest in the paranormal, which I feed regularly with everything creepy. But, people might simply jump to conclusions and think that I'm averse to fear. The fact that I consume so much horror every year can set the wrong precedent. And it won't really surprise me if someone went, 'Surely, he's one of those humbug sceptics who laughs at something he doesn't understand, amirite?'
That's anything but correct. I'm terrified at times. Genuinely repulsed by the unknown. Something that keeps me going in an ouroboros circle of doom.
And yet, a part of me refuses to acknowledge the actuality of paranormal investigators. I'll be honest here. The only bunch of 'Ghouligans' I regularly follow for jest are my Watcher Boys on YouTube! I know that there's transparency when it comes to Ryan and Shane. There's trust in there. It assures me that I'm not being duped. That there's no fabrication or overconfident jargon-dumping or ridiculous claims by insufferable know-it-alls, who are trying to manipulate nothing but a good viewership.
The less said about the Indian counterparts on YouTube, the better it is for my sanity. (Guys, aaj hum Danish Bhai ke accident spot pe ghumne jayenge!!!)
Thus, back to the book we go. It's a ten-chapter collection, anecdoting Jay Alani's career as a paranormal investigator in India. Every chapter is a new story (see : a case). And every story is written in the first person by Neil D'Souza, who converts Alani's words into a narrative on paper. The selling point? These are all true stories. All encounters with ghosts and spirits, based in reality (and backed by Penguin Ebury Press).
Quite cool, is it not?
Surely, the first chapter focusing on the infamous haunted village of Kuldhara won't feature a paragraph like
"For some reason, I have never felt fear. That emotion is just not there in me. My friends tell me this is a bad thing, and my science professor once told me that a lack of fear can be harmful, as fear helps us to develop a sense of danger. But I cannot help it. Just as some people cannot get angry or excited, I do not get frightened. It's just the way I am made."
?
Can you imagine reading this with a straight face and not immediately disintegrating into a pool of wheezing tears?
And this is how cocksure his voice is throughout the book. He's shady, overbearing, and utterly insufferable as he asks the most basic questions of people and does the most vague things ever in his bid to 'contain' a spirit. How does he do that, you ask? We do not know for sure. For an investigator who's regularly called in to handle these malevolent situations, his modus operandi is legitimately nothing other than pretending to talk into air.
And they respond in clear, legible words at times! We literally have apparitions in his tales walking, talking, and attacking people like it's something Ruskin Bond had written after downing a pint of sherry on a chilly night in Dehra. It's all comically laughable, and it tests your patience like anything. It doesn't help that the stories themselves, despite the fabricated heightenings, are quite boring as well.
In this juncture, you might be tempted to ask, so what about the gadgets then? He does use them, right? The paranormal bread and butter?
To that, I say yes.
Whenever Jay Alani isn't uttering cringeworthy lines like
"I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. In my experience with the paranormal, I have, at times, displayed better perceptive tendencies than any gadgets have."
He does resort to devices like his 'trusted' K2 meter! At one instance, like that in the third story featuring the Lambi Dehar Mines, he is even excited to put it to practical use.
I guess his views have changed (a lot) since then. Because if you search Jay Alani on YouTube these days, one of the videos that'd be suggested to you almost immediately is of his podcast, where he discusses how much of a 'scam' the K2 Meter actually is. (Self-aware Kalidas moment.) Although it does get a little problematic when the man pretends online that he'd never put much stock into these devices when his book clearly says otherwise.
Anyways. Who are we to judge? May the Ranveer Alahabadia podcasts. TEDx shows. And Netflix videos work well for you, Mr. Horror Expert!
To his credit, however, I'll offer him a few brownie points for not being a complete tool and trying to shed light on the superstitions and witch-hunts that occur regularly in India to this very day. Be it the curious Mayong visit in Assam, Bihar's obscure Bhoot Mela, or the Temple of Exorcism. He points out the bullshit for what it is. And I begrudgingly tip my hat towards the gesture. (A quick dive into his podcasting journey also highlights an increasing trend in 'hoaxbusting,' which is almost ironic for how terrible his own book is for the majority of its part!)
Nevertheless, I hope there was more of this here. And less of...
"As we went deeper in, there was a strange rustling sound, like something moving in the foliage, but when I turned to look, I saw that there were no trees on either side of the road. Yet this sound constantly followed us as I drove. I don’t know whether the others heard it; it is quite possible that only I picked it up due to the faculty for extrasensory perception that I seem to have developed over time."
I can't do this anymore.
(1/5 || October, 2024)
P.S : Here's another instance of Alani's 'Sigma Science,' because why should I suffer all alone?
"I wheeled around; there was nothing I could see. But the electric field was so high at this spot that I felt my hair standing on end, and this despite the fact that I wasn’t really frightened. Maybe my hair was just responding to the high electric field caused by whatever entity was moving towards me."
Good god.