Death: The End of Self-Improvement

by Joan Tollifson

This book celebrates the great stripping process of aging, dying and spiritual awakening. Beautiful, poignant, at times humorous, transcendent, messy, down to earth, refreshingly honest—the book explores death, and more importantly, being alive, through a rich mix of personal stories and spiritual reflections. Joan writes about her mother’s final years and about being with friends and teachers at the end of their lives. She shares her own journey with aging, anal cancer, and other life challenges. She explores what it means to be alive in what may be the collapse of civilization and the possible extinction of life on earth due to climate change. Pointing beyond deficiency stories, future fantasies, and oppressive self-improvement projects, Joan invites an awakening to the immediacy of this moment and the wonder of ordinary life. She demonstrates a pathless path of genuine transformation, seeing all of life as sacred and worthy of devotion, and finding joy in the full range of our human experience. Review “The problem with most books (and articles and podcasts) about ‘being here now’ or ‘embracing the present moment’ is that they really aren’t. As often telegraphed by their cover images (sunsets, flowers, mountain peaks) they’re about embracing the nice bits of the present. And they generally imply that if you follow their advice, you could float contentedly through life, relishing simple pleasures and finding wonder in the everyday. In other words, they’re about the ideal person you might become if you weren’t so prone to irritability, boredom and gloom. So they’re not actually about embracing the present at all. They’re focused on escaping it, in pursuit of a better future. None of which could be said about The End of Self-Improvement, the latest book by the spiritual teacher Joan Tollifson.” —Oliver Burkeman, from his review in The Guardian, August 15, 2020

Genres: Philosophy, Nonfiction, Self Help, Death, Biography, Spirituality, Health

286 pages, Paperback

Published November 1, 2019

Reviews

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved the title of this book and the description, so I was a disappointed that the focus was more on the spiritual side and not on stories of her mother's death and her own illnesses amd addictions, as suggested in the book summary.

One of the reasons I bought this book was because I have a parent with a terminal illness, and I thought it would, in some way, prepare me for what is to come. I admit I only read the first half of the book before giving up on that hope.

I personally find that, like most books of this nature, the message gets repetitive - I kept getting a feeling of deja-vu - yes, we have understood that we need to be present "in the "Here-Now". how many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.

Yes, it is important to realise that we are okay as we are, in this present "Here-Now" moment, and understanding that doesn't exclude us from trying to improve, but we should be accepting of who and what we are. How many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.

Yes it is important to be non-judgemental of others and indeed ourselves. How many times do we need to be told? Very many, it seems.

Yes, I understand that I have just repeated myself several times, but I did it purposely to get you to understand the spirit of the book. How many times shall I repeat this? Very many, it seems.

Perhaps it's because I have read other texts like this that I am jaded. Or maybe the message isn't for me.

If you're into buddhism and spirituality, and find that repetitiveness helps to bring the point home, this is a great choice.  And I'm not trying to be funny here: for some people having the same point explained again and again in a myriad of ways helps them to understand and consolidate the learning, and I totally get that.

If you were after a book that focused on how to mentally process the death of a loved one, this might not be what you're looking for.

[Ryan Derby-Talbot · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of the most lucid and honest takes on the lived experience of being human that I have read. There is no pretense, just generous and vulnerable sharing along with clear observations. Reading it felt like meditating, and I came away from my reading sessions feeling a sense of peace and centeredness similar to what can come from my meditation sessions.

The book is essentially a clear-eyed look at what it means to be a human being confronting the realities of loss that accompany life, and how to find freedom and joy in the experience. There is no prescription for pursuit of activity or ideal state; in fact, the book directly shows the limitations and dangers of such pursuits. Rather it is about a plain look at the nature of real existence. It helped me to put flesh onto Heidegger's understanding of being, which is not about a conceptualization of existence but of a fundamental reckoning of what actually exists, as in accessible and present (there is no "past" or "future" as independent entities that exist, these are rather ways of comporting in how one exists — the past being how the moment is delivered over to us, the future being the projection of possibilities we are living into). This book gives access to this simple and liberating perspective that is difficult to see, fleeting, and easily lost in the fog of human conceptualization. Ultimately, I think this book is a bracing and real look at the authentic experience of being a human being, the possibilities of freedom contained therein.

[Magdalena Zajac · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful and pragmatic confrontation with death and other related taboo themes
I appreciate very much this grass-root confrontation with the taboo themes that are ageing, severe disease, dying and death. Joan Tollifson writes from a genuine human perspective embedded in a deep spiritual realization. Some qualities of this book are sane pragmatism, personal experience, humour, clarity, honesty and directness. There is no place for fake positive commonplaces or abstract detachment and yet all appears in the light of transcendence.
I am particularly touched by the love arising in apparently most messy and even repugnant situations, be it warm heartfelt human love or more mysterious all-encompassing unconditional love.

[Alison S ☯️ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really wasn't sure how to rate this book, partly because I read it in short bursts over a very long period of time. The main challenge for me was that it jumped about a lot, mixing memoir and reflections on aging, illness and death, with explorations of spirituality and philosophy (particularly nondualism, which was heavy going at times). My final rating is a reflection of how many passages really resonated with me (lots of underlinings and I even wrote "yes!" at one point) and that I now want to read more by this author.

[Geert · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like Joan for her no-nonsense, honest sharing of her life long experience of non-duality. This book is her latest one, about the last part of life. It is the first book i read of Joan. I can recommend it to anyone.

[Dawn Kimble · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love reading Joan Tollifson. She could probably write about anything and reveal its depth and interconnectedness with everything else. In this book, she is unabashedly frank about her life journey and her encounter with colon cancer, and her experiences of joy, grief, presence and loss when her mother dies. Her honesty and generosity always make me feel held and invited into Here-Now.

[REID NUTTING · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE JOAN TOLLIFSON

She is me. I am her. I inhale, she exhales. ....thump, thump...thump, thump...our hearts beat in indescribable syncopation....is that spelled right? Oh, well, who cares??
Suffice it to say ....sorry to yell, but....READ THIS AUTHOR....AND THIS BOOK!!
...Thank you again, Ms. Tollifson!!!

[Barb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!


A needed reminder on life's journey to live your life and be you. Shakespeare as always had it right - Life is a passing shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more. Loved the title especially. So relax and be there- be present for "your hour."

[Stevie Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This dear woman has been through the ringer regarding suffering and death, yet her take on it all is extraordinarily wise, compassionate, and courageously persistent. A difficult read but still a very worthwhile one.

[David Lindsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible. Helped bring me deeper into a full immersion in life since I can see more clearly that not one single thing is wrong with me or my experience.

Joan helps us realize the fundamental OKness of every moment, and the unbearable quiet beauty of the mundande when we understand that nothing has ever really gone wrong.
Enlightenment is not transcending life or its obstacles.

It is seeing that mistakes, suffering and obstacles are only interpretations, superimposed on a unknowable mystery that blooms with shining clarity when recognized.

It is also seeing that even the superimpositions is a naturally occuring phenomena, not apart from being itself. Not erroneous. Not bad. Not a mistake. Only part of viewing the mystery from the lens of a human mind.

Joan helps us find forgiveness for our imagined faults and shortcomings and helps us remember our wholeness.

TL;DR

Joan helps us remember our fundamental goodness, celebrate life and removes us from the burden of being complete humans by helping us see that our completeness can only truly be found in embracing our incompleteness.

[Diogo Santiago · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply beautiful, real and human. Feels unfair to rate, something so clearly written from the heart, anything other than 5 stars.
Thank you Joan for sharing so much of your experience, truly grateful for being able to share this with you.
"[...] the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves and the world is to be awake and rooted in love."
"I love movies, plays, TV shows, novels, gossip. The best stories open the mind and the heart."
"Trying to find happiness on a passing form is inevitably disappointing."
"Theresa and I sat on opposite sides of Lydia's cooling body, her first love and her last love."
"I could feel tears in my eyes, feeling how much I love being alive, how precious it is, even though I don't fear death."
This and many more passages from the book have marked me and will stay with me.
Perfect, thank you.

[Lryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate Joan's voice as a female guide in Awakening ... Awakened womyn have a bit different flavor than men ... and I was craving female voices in this area after spending so much time digesting (wonderful) male teachers. Tollifson has a lovely way of weaving our humanity and dualistic experience with non-dual Truth. She is raw and real vs transcendant. I appreciate her alongside others such as Gangaji, Pema Chodron, Roshi Joan Halifax ...

[João Garbers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Um livro sincero, profundo e esclarecedor sobre o processo de viver, envelhecer e morrer. Me sentindo ainda mais grato por essa vida, por minha saúde, familia e amigos (todas coisas que um dia também vão desaparecer). Me sentindo mais motivado para cuidar de todas essas coisas durante meu processo de amadurecimento e envelhecimento. Super recomendo.

[Klaus Snej Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

wonderful reading <3

Joan Tollison is a gifted and loving communicator of non-dual living, in this book combined with the naked description of the disintegration of human existence. There is so much love in this book.

[Steven · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw, real, meditative

You can tell Joan Tollifson held nothing back in this book. She let her words flow and shared all with us as the readers. At times it seems rambling or repetitive but I think it is worth it for the many gems you will find sprinkled throughout.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn't the best written book - rather repetitive. But, she is amazing and it's the most honest, straightforward book I've read about dying - her mother's death and her own declining health towards death. Her message is very clear and it's a helpful message.

[Douglas Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

great book

Really enjoyed this book and, as a male, learned a lot about female physiology. Lots of wisdom here. Thanks a lot.

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some brilliant insights

[Sonnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Actually sobering.
Amazing how much Joan finds beauty amidst so much death

[Victoria McIntyre · Rating 5 out of 5]

An astonishingly powerful book that everyone should read.

[Mason Neil · Rating 5 out of 5]

The writing rambles and is not direct, but it suits the content very well actually. A very clear-eyed read full of wisdom and charm.

[Jodie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brave and beautiful and confronting and peaceful. Adored it.

[Joanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Inspiring, humbling, messy, and transcendent.

[Jill Kandel · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not for me. I found it extremely redundant with few fresh ideas as the book went on and on.

[Victress Hitchcock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dense with flashes of brilliance. I enjoyed reading it in small doses. A daily inspiration.