Unbecoming to Become: My journey back to self

by Ayanda Mangubane Borotho

In this memoir,Ayanda tracks her journey back to self in a bid to return to her true self and redefine her worth by challenging cultural conditioning, social stereotypes,family expectations and people's opinions of her.

Ayanda shares intimate details of her most profound experiences as young girl in the township in a toxic relationship with a high flying gangster. As a young woman falling pregnant out of wedlock and the ostracism she encountered. As a young black women in a white male dominated corporate environment. As an artist who didn't quite fit into mainstream popularity and her battle to maintain her authenticity in an industry that recognizes fake over real. As a loyal friend betrayed by someone she loved and trusted. As a mother overwhelmed by the expectations of being a supermom. As a young wife fighting not to lose herself in marriage. As well as finding God for herself against the stereotypes that define God for us.

Unknown Binding

Reviews

[Zinhle Ngidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okey- where does one begin on this thick memoir of this lady- I truly do not know. There is so much to learn, you just have to own this copy because it is a platinum for all women, rich or poor- black or white

We always talk about self love but until you get her perspective you will change your definition. What we have allowed to take in as we grow up- what our parents taught us, what society taught us, work environment, social media, friends- you name it- we keep on adding and adding until we lose ourselves. When we get married we are told how to behave, how to treat your husband in the process we lose ourselves- we have to change and learn to be submissive and leave your unmarried friends etc- we keep on chowing on ourselves and lose our voices in the process.

So the process of unbecoming to become is when you try to find your true self and your worth. Peeling off all the layers of opinions, judgements, teachings etc that we kept on accepting from whoever we cared to listen to. It is a process, it is not an easy one. But our kids can still benefit a lot from this, to know who they are and know their worth. With us (sesidinga ne sguqo and 40 days and night of fasting) this is because we have accepted a lot, we do not know if we coming or going but its never too late to try.

Ayanda on her journey back to self, she had to challenge the status quo, cultural and societal stereotypes from both her marriage and work environment including family expectations. She is bare in her book because for her to become she has a past that she is not proud of but had to accept it and own it because it made her to be who she is today. Growing up she was inlove with her gangster boyfriend that later impregnated her and had to raise the child alone- this to me says- it does not matter the background, what you have done that you are not proud of, when you are ready to change your life and reclaim your voice its doable.

Ayanda touched on so many other aspects and things that affect women in general like rape, women abuse, teenage pregnancy, christianity, celebrity/ social media life and expectations, death and many more. It was one of the memoirs that were not rushed. That though it had touched on her life but reflections on every chapter touched you one way or the other because either you have experienced that or someone that you know or close to you has. It was not our normal celebrity books that we are accustomed to. It was worth every word and like I said, owning this one will not be a mistake.

NB
Remember we have power to challenge and change our situations. We must stop giving power to people that do not deserve us. But remember there is no one that will tell you about your worth if you do not know it yourself or if you do not believe it. We have given men so much room to kill our spirits, to kick us as and when they want (literally or figuratively). We bow down to people that hurt us just for the title- it’s not worth it. We have allowed them to shift our crowns, we have given them power and we have allowed ourselves to be victims. The sad truth about this our daughters and sons grow up thinking it’s okey to be treated like this. They learn from us...

This here is the truth- it has nothing to do with anger towards men. I love them when they love us but we need to help each other to see where our worth is not recognized.

[Anita · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book was honestly a beautiful book but painful to read, only because of how all the societal pressures and experiences she has gone through are still what we as the younger generation still go through.
All my emotions have been evoked by this book, and forced me to see somethings in a different light but most impotantly.. this book healed me

[Mbali Tyolo · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most enjoyable memoirs I have read in a while. Definitely worth the read. So many insightful lessons. I shed a tear reading the last chapter. Thank you Ayanda for sharing yourself with us. Thank you for using your voice and life experiences as a vessel for us to start our own journeys of becoming.

[Anele Ndlovu · Rating 5 out of 5]

RELATABLE...WITTY...HONEST.

I couldn’t put this book down. Ayanda touches on and reflects on so many issues which affect us as humans, more so as black people, as females and black females in particular. Each of us would be able to relate to at least 2 chapters in the book.

I love how Ayanda ends each chapter with “Reflections and Lessons.” It’s a great way to sum up the chapter but also it shows that she really put thought into her story and what she learnt with each experience and is sharing not just the journey and experiences, but the take out from that and the impact it has had on her life.

One of the things I appreciated about the book is Ayanda’s honesty and how she was so forthcoming in telling her truth. A truth that could help so many “unbecome” so they can “become.” So they can stand in their truths and break free from any emotional and mental chains that have held them hostage for years and even decades.

As Ayanda mentions, there are so many broken souls out there. Souls who may not know how to heal themselves. Stories like these are what these broken souls need. Where they can relate to and identify with someone who has lived a life similar to theirs and has found a way into the light. Through the learnings from these stories, they too may find the light and be able to stand in their truths and share their stories to heal themselves and others as well.

The final chapter, which shares the book’s title really makes you think and reflect on what journey you should embark on to finding yourself again. You may be blessed to have already gone through a similar journey of becoming you. If you are still trying to find yourself again, now is the perfect time to embark on this journey.

Imagine how magnificent the world would be once we all journey back to ourselves again and really live out our true selves. Where we are comfortable in who we are and the power that is in us. And most importantly, knowing that we are enough. Enough for ourselves.

May we always listen to and believe the narrative that we write for ourselves about ourselves.

Here’s to #UnbecomingToBecome

[Jeanette · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have just finished reading this book and I feel I need to breathe, take a moment before I review it but I also do not want to forget and end up not reviewing it. I read the first 14 chapters in two sittings and it has taken me longer to read the last 4. There is nothing that Ayanda does not touch on, you think it it is there, religion, family, racism, corporate struggles, gojola (dating), kasi life, love failure, success all of it. The power in this book for me was the ‘Reflections and Lessons’ part at the end of each chapter. I didn’t not always agree with her views or beliefs and that is the beauty of it. Those are hers and I am entitled to mine.
This book evoked all sorts of emotions for me, had me laughing out loud, got me feeling all nostalgic, got me mad with anger, cringing at times and most certainly shifted my mind on some stereotypical belief I am embarrassed to say I held. Beautifully written, authentic as Ayanda displays the courage required to speak her truth. I read this against the backdrop of marches for racial equality across the US, and the chapter on Devine Feminine, not Feminist highlights the desperate need for gender equality as well. I enjoyed reading this chapter. I loved reading this book. Thank you @ayandaborotho for this offering, for opening your soul to us.

[Naniki · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a page turner and a relateable book. Loved the insights about the mother-in-law relationships and societal expectations enforced on women. Ayanda’s story is beautifully weaved from growing up in Ntuzuma township in Durban South Africa. Knowing her from her character on a telenovela I was pleasantly surprised to learn she had left the corporate world to pursue her passion for story telling through television. Be it her point if departure was sadly what traps so many young women in the days of materialistic climbing the corporate ladder at all costs like just dangling the carrots! I enjoyed her authenticity throughout the book on different matters like how she grew up in a religious and traditional family especially being Zulu and had to adjust to her in-laws ways of faith that she wasn’t accustomed to. The unfortunate‘prosperity church’ syndrome, paying for your healing & position in church! It is this part of her spiritual journey and becoming that helped me understand the choice of her book cover - after I had bagged the book the cover made me question ge contents. But glad I hadn’t considered that before buying the book. I guess it talks to this spiritual aspect of her becoming? Maybe somewhat linked to the audience of the telenovela, Isibaya? Overall a great read.

[Khumbuzile Mbuqe · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book needed a bit more editing but it was an overall okay read, as a married black South African woman I could relate to the first few chapters where she questions her husbands church and the confines of being in a church that is sometimes foreign to you and your churches patterns. It is an overall relatable book but I felt like more could've been said...I'm a fan of the author, not so much of the book. I've always wondered if this is one of those books, I'd appreciate more if I were part of a book club and heard another's understanding of it etc...

[Dorcus Sithole _ Chronicles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick question; Is there a book that you’re obsessed with?

I’m #Stoked about this one…
This book is now imbedded in me, it is truly closes to my heart.

I went back on my notes, revisited some pages, I just can’t seem to put it down.

Thank you so much @ayandaborotho for this absolutely extraordinary read, it has by far exceeded my expectations of a memoir, it embodies more depth, every chapter was splendidly captured and has such mystical and divine wisdom,it is exceptionally insightful.

even if you’re not a reader, #UnbecomingToBecome is a must read. No matter where you’re from, ethnicity; cultural background, and so on.. I urge you to get yourself a copy, I literally took it with me everywhere, I was and still am enthralled by this book.

#UnbecomingToBecome Cemented some of my thoughts on history, lifestyle, beliefs and then some..

I genuinely loved reading this memoir, It took longer than I anticipated for me to get through it, but it was really worthwhile.

[Abulele · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book is thought provoking and a breath of fresh air. I also loved the authors' authenticity, honesty about her life experiences which has helped settle some of my internal conflicts about matters of love (loyalty), young black woman in the workplace and religion. A beautiful offering indeed!

[Lithakazi Soshankana · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you like to read about strong women who have conquered the art of living in a White and male dominated world and stand firm in their belief, this book is for you.

The editing was not 100% but it was a good book for its audience.

[Motlatsi Kgaphola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably one of the best love letters to women, African women, a South African woman. Thanks for opening up so others could heal. Definitely a book I’m leaving for my future self, friends, sisters and daughters.

[Hloni Dlamini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Ayanda... i laughed especially when the ntuzuma girl in you came out, i cried and cried whilst reading this.

[Sinazo Blue Nontlanga · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book so much, such great life lessons. I will definitely make my daughter read this book one day, it is so empowering.

[Minenhle Vundla]

best

[Nthabiseng · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely excellent. A book every female should read.

[Kanyisa Ntsundwana · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I needed, it is a good book and it aspires us as young women that we will one day be successful throughout our challenges.

[Andy Gobingca · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolute gem!!

[Ntombizakhona Mabaso · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been meaning to read books specifically by older (40+) Black South African women because we are often inundated with the views and opinions of younger people who lack life experience. And you know what? This book did not disappoint; it exceeded my expectations and touched on important topics that I suppose I needed to read about at this time in my life.

I received this book at the AWS Johannesburg Summit held on the 26th of September 2023 during the Women in Generative AI and Cloud Computing Breakfast, and you know what? Whoever decided to bless us with this book, I cannot thank you enough.

Ayanda touches upon deep topics, including but not limited to:
- Puppy Love
- Adult Love
- Domestic Violence
- Rape
- Dating
- Marriage
- Sex
- Pain
- Corporate, SMMEs, "Hustling"...
- African Identity and Language
- Most importantly: God

I hope she releases a new book soon or a collection of essays or something because, even though this book is a whopping 400 pages, I believe it should have been 5,000 pages. I could not put it down when I started reading it because it felt authentic and real; you could feel that she truly did her best when writing this book.

I am so glad I read it. I will reread it again as time progresses because I am yet to experience some of the things described herein, and thankfully, I have learned a lot from Ayanda. I need more.

PS, I have questions about the AAA School Fees thing.

[Lerato Tikwayo · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Our power is dependent on us recognizing that we are already powerful. No one can ignite what is not already within you." This book is gem and every woman who wants to journey back to self should definitely read it.!