The Trying Game: Get Through Fertility Treatment and Get Pregnant Without Losing Your Mind

by Amy Klein

From the author of “Fertility Diary” for the New York Times Motherlode blog comes a reassuring, no-nonsense guide to both the emotional and practical process of trying to get pregnant, written with the smarts, warmth, and honesty of a woman who has been in the trenches.
 
There are so many ways to be Not Pregnant: You can be young, old, partnered, or unpartnered. Maybe you have endometriosis. Maybe you don’t have enough eggs or your partner doesn’t have enough sperm. Or maybe there’s nothing wrong except you’re Just. Not. Pregnant.
 
Amy Klein has been there. Faced with fertility obstacles, she quickly became an expert. After nine rounds of IVF, four miscarriages, three acupuncturists, two rabbis, and one reproductive immunologist, she finally became a mother. And she wrote about it all for the New York Times Motherlode blog in her “Fertility Diary” column.
 
Now, Amy has written the book she wishes she’d had when she was trying to get pregnant. With advice from medical experts as well as real women, she outlines your options every step of the way, from questions you should ask to advice on getting your mother-in-law to mind her own beeswax. In this comprehensive road map to infertility, you’ll find topics such as:
 
• whether to freeze your eggs
• finding (and affording) a clinic 
• what to expect during your first IVF cycle
• baby envy—aka it’s okay to skip your friend’s shower
• whether the alternative route—acupuncture, herbs, supplements—is for you
• helpful tips, charts, and more!
 
Empowering, compassionate, and down-to-earth, The Trying Game will show you what to expect when you’re not expecting with heart and humanity when you need it the most.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Parenting, Health

365 pages, Paperback

Published April 7, 2020

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

TBH this is my book. I wrote it!
But I think if you're going through #infertility or #ttc or you know someone who would like to be #pregnant and has not, you should buy this book for yourself of them.
It explains the nitty gritty like what an IUI is or what IVF means, but more importantly, it gives you understanding on why your best friend may not be happy for you if you're pregnant, or how to balance treatment and the rest of your life.

[Sara Kaner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’d round this up to 4.5 stars - I read this in a day on the eve of the week I begin my IVF process. It was the perfect mix of science/data, personal experience/stories, & humor/hopeful. While I knew a bit of what was covered in the book, I appreciate the pragmatic approach the author took to covering all parts of the TTC and infertility journey.

[Klaudia Piaseczna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading The Trying Game was a deeply emotional and challenging experience—but one I’m profoundly grateful for. It was not an easy read—emotionally, it was heavy and raw in a way that forced me to confront fears I might have otherwise avoided. I’m thankful I read it while already pregnant, because certain chapters would have been incredibly hard to process during my own trying game. Klein does not sugarcoat the roller coaster of hope, disappointment, medical intervention, and emotional exhaustion that comes with infertility, and that realism, while difficult, is what makes the book so necessary. For me, it was comforting and validating—to see my own anxieties and frustrations reflected so honestly, and to know I wasn't alone in them.

[Mélanie Gagné · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic read for someone living through the IVF process or even someone who has a friend, colleague, family member going through IVF. It really gets down and dirty with all the lingo, the emotional/physical rollercoasters and steps that one has to overcome in order to conceive throughout this incredible medical journey. It was so nice to read through the author’s own journey and see messages that resonated with me, but also the hope that she and her husband both experienced.

[Shawna Peryea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the BEST book I've read...ok listened to...on infertility ever. When you are TTC some of us like to read and I've read my share of infertility/fertility books. Some are too sciency for me. Others try to hard to be funny. Even a few you can tell the person didn't struggle for long. Hell, I've even read some books that scared me... "Wait I shouldn't be wearing perfume and have to basically throw out all my cleaning supplies and air fresheners!?"

This book had it all.

1. The real deal. Amy knows what it's like to ride the struggle bus. She's not milking a year of trying and claiming she's riding the bus just for shits and giggles.

2. Informative to a good extent that was interesting...not boring.

3. A dose of humor that didn't seem forced

4. Looks at the possible outcomes. Some chapters were hard to listen to, but they were realistic and eye-opening.

5. I especially liked the male factor chapter because that is a key factor in our fertility game. I liked how she was upfront that infertility sucks for both partners and can cause issues.

Bravo on writing a book on infertility that actually hit the mark!

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a memoir about the author's journey through fertility after facing obstacles. After nine rounds of IVF, four miscarriages, three acupuncturists, two rabbis, and one reproductive immunologist, Amy finally became an expert...and mother. Her guide provides a lot of information from doctors and women to help other struggling women go through the journey. It tackles tough topics like: "My best friend's pregnant and wants a baby shower, but I can't." Or "My mother-in-law won't get off my case about getting pregnant, what do I do?" and even "What do I tell my boss when I need to take time off?"

The author's story is just a piece of this book. She also tries to answer the tough questions many will face during the process to help those struggling to get through the journey. I was interested in reading the perspective of people experiencing fertility treatments and learning how we can reach out to people going through this same struggle.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/amy...

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thorough. I did skim parts of it because it's easy to figure out which sections apply to you. A near-perfect blend of humor, personal anecdotes, science, and perspective. As another reviewer said, it can be hard to take some of the more dry, research-based science books that make you feel like you are doing everything wrong. But I also don't want to feel like I am just chatting with my well-meaning but uninformed friend, which is the vibe I get from other pregnancy books. She really did the research yet stayed so relateable. A must-read no matter where you are in the journey.

[K.J. Dell'Antonia · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're trying, or have been, or are wondering where you stand.... this is the book you need. Fans of the old NYT Motherlode are going to remember Amy Klein and her Fertility Diary. I was her editor there. Her column, which we both thought she'd write for a few months, went on much longer--and not just because she was so good, which she was--but because her fertility journey was not the walk in the park anyone hoped for. Now it's a book, and if you're in the Trying Game, or have been, or know anyone who is--it's THE one to get.

[Ariel Curry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book a year or so ago! Because I'm already going down the path of IVF, a lot of the earlier chapters weren't as relevant, but I did learn a lot from later chapters. I feel a little more knowledgeable now about my options and assured about the fact that there's no right way to have a baby. It's different for literally every person. I highly recommend this book for anyone who's been trying for a while and looking for answers.

[Carly Gilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The best way to describe this is “I feel seen.” As someone all too acquainted with the longing for a baby and endless cycles of waiting, it was refreshing to read someone else’s honest, heartfelt, hopeful, and often humorous depiction of infertility. It was just what I needed in this season of life. ❤️

[Megan Mac · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me feel seen and understood. And filled me with hope and...ngl, fear, too. It wasn't an easy book to read in my current "season" (is 2.5+ years of unsuccessful Trying considered a season?), but it was helpful. (Tbh I didn't read every single chapter - but read most of them - maybe I'll revisit those I skipped over someday if needed.)

[Devon Warner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an incredibly helpful book full of important info as well as empathy and compassion.

[Sheradyn Porteous · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️ only because i didn’t read all part. I only read what was relevant to me. Definitely well written and would be good for someone who hasn’t already done a lot of fertility treatments

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was very informative, eye-opening if you are new to your journey and loved how much validation there was for all the feelings and emotions experienced when struggling with infertility. Wishing I would have read earlier on my journey, but still feel it is helpful 3 years in.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful. This book validated me and gave me so much knowledge.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm going to count this for August because I didn't realize I was going to finish this today! I planned on finishing it tomorrow but had extra time to read.
Anyone going through infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, unexplained infertility, IVF, etc should definitely read this book. I DID skip over a couple chapters at the end that felt slightly triggering for me (I don't even want to THINK about a donor/surrogate when I'm not at that stage yet), so just be aware that this delves into EVERY stage of infertility possible.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Trying Game is one of the best books I’ve read this year. My husband and I have been struggling through secondary infertility for over two years now. The emotional and physical toll it takes is just exhausting. When I read an excerpt of the introduction where Klein shared that she wanted to punch someone in the face because of something ridiculous they said to her during infertility, I knew I had to have this book. Aside from all the helpful information in this book, it is incredibly entertaining, which is really remarkable, considering it’s about infertility.

All I wanted throughout my infertility journey was one resource that would detail all of the different treatments, who they work best for, and a rough estimate for their cost. This is exactly what The Trying Game is. And yet it is so much more as well. The humor and humanity brought to the text by Klein and her personal experiences made it so much more accessible and readable for those of us dealing with infertility. I also so appreciated the chapters on jealousy, how religion plays into all of this, and trying to maintain a relationship with a spouse throughout infertility. There is SO much more to infertility besides just the medical aspect of it, and I’m fairly certain this book covered every single part of it.

I cannot recommend this book any more; if it was possible to give it more than 5 stars I most definitely would. It made me feel less alone, it had me laughing about infertility, and it helped me to feel more empowered and in control about what other treatments I want to try before finishing this journey.

[Eliza Bacelar · Rating 5 out of 5]

WHOA! AMAZING! I've been reading about pregnancy and fertility now for 1 year and have done tons of my personal research on the topic, including lectures, mini-courses, many doctor's office visits, countless videos and podcasts, and I've learned now that my favorite type of information is really science-based research-oriented and from PhDs from the healthcare arena. My favorite books o this subject are usually from authors that have 3 or more acronyms by their name, essentially. I like the technical and biological stuff, it's what I go towards to deepen my knowledge and understand how the whole process works and the many intricate developments and issues that might occur.
That being said, I have been for a year now in this process and it's definitely taken a huge toll on my sanity and emotional control, waving bounds of deep depression at times, and my husband and I decided to open up a while ago to our friends and family truly because I needed the support. Whilst I'm sure all of them meant well, we heard a plethora of non-sense paraphernalia everywhere from "pray and it will happen" to the broken-record repeated hit of "only WHEN you relax you'll get pregnant. you'll see, forget about it and it'll happen" and very often followed by "I've heard this happen with so and so". No one seemed to have taken true interest and have the long conversations I was expecting about it all, and also learn about all these things I was educating myself about. Fair. I don't expect this topic to be everyone's forefront learning opportunity, but that's what I'm going through, and I'd like a little more connection with the people around me. Full disclosure, I had a couple of long conversations, but those weren't pleasant, and I found myself explaining and justifying so much that it made me wonder many times if opening up was the right choice at all.
This was my mind space when I encountered this book. I had given a break on the whole subject and after a while decided to pick this title up because we're starting to talk about IVF and we may be able to start fertility treatments soon, and I needed to be mentally stronger and prepared for this next step. NO ONE IN MY LIFE SPOKE TRUER WORDS AND RELATED MORE TO WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH THAN DID AMY KLEIN IN THIS BOOK. I felt more than heard. I literally felt that if I had to write my thoughts, I would choose exactly the words she chose. Even considering that with other infertility books and found comfort and moments that I could relate to and understand, Amy was the one that actually and - I cannot stress this enough - literally spoke my words. I laughed and cried, and felt deep in my heart so much of what she said.
But it didn't stop there. I felt so understood and hugged, but also learned SO MUCH that I had no idea regarding IVF, IUI, pregnancy loss - Amy has a true talent to use only the best words to discuss even the most delicate topics - and so much more.
I particularly LOVED chapter 4 which talks about single mothers and LGTBQ parenthood. So many issues and different moving parts come to those scenarios that didn't even cross my mind. I'm glad I'm more educated about that now. I've read a book that talked about feminist and minority parenthood and pregnancy, and I actually think this title delves deeper and offers more reflection on more different topics than did the dedicated book on the subject I read. Simply brilliant.
I could go on and on but truly my thought is that if you are going through any fertility struggle, I believe you'll really benefit from picking this up. It brought me some emotional relief and lots of very useful and practical info that will make an actual difference in my fertility journey.

[DJ Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved Amy Klein’s The Trying Game. I recommend it unequivocally to anyone, whether you’re going through fertility treatment or not. Especially in the midst of a pandemic, this book will give you comfort and joy. Klein’s ability to explain medical knowledge, not to mention her curious and unflinching look at the interface between her raw emotions and her medicalized body, is just the medicine we need right now. As her book makes clear, in times of medical emergency, we are all trying our best, even as the crisis is trying us. I adored her prose—funny, ironic, energetic, well-researched. She is one of those writers with perfect pacing, perfect pitch, who delivers information with such punch and verve. The parts where she narrates her own story are the best, for example the part when her doctor tells her, after yet another miscarriage, to “keep trying.” (Her response is perfect!) Twenty-five years ago, I did a stint with a fertility doctor. It was three years after my daughter was born, and--nothing. Nothing happened and I gave up. I had the vague feeling that fertility was a mystery, and now, after reading Klein’s book, I can see what I was up against back then, which I found endlessly fascinating.

[Iry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Once I was googling how to deal with other women around you being pregnant and found a part (still my favorite part, because it is so realistic) where is a phone call from a ‘friend’ is described. Once I read that part I knew I should read all book. I wasn’t disappointed. Book is giving you very useful information (although, mainly for those living in USA), but also psychological aspect of all process. It makes you feel less alone in all this and more open to talk about the subject. All couples that are going through same thing should read it, but also the others. It would help them to better understand people around them who are going through this or at least to finally realize why questions about having kids and trying are not such a good idea.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m generously rounding up from a 3.5 star rating. It’s not that this isn’t a good book, because I did get some very helpful things out of it (which is why I didn’t give it 3). I was most annoyed by the fact that there was one standalone chapter on TTC while queer or single, and then that information felt very unintegrated with the rest of the book.

My ratings are very much not objective, so YMMV. Overall, this is probably a really helpful book for most straight people going through fertility treatments.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amikor az ember ebbe az elkeseredett, kontrollvesztett "játékba" bekerül, pedig nevezni sem akar, Amy Klein könyve egy kis vicces napsugarat nyújt. Könnyedén nyúl a témához, néha azt éri el hogy hangosan felnevess, néha pedig könnyeket csal a szemedbe. Mindenkinek ajánlom akit érint és szeretne többet megtudni a témáról, de nem feltétlenül a száraz tudományos oldalról. Nemtől, szexuális irányultságtól, párkapcsolati státusztól függetlenül mindenkinek, aki szeretne szülővé válni, de a sors nehezebb utat jelölt ki a számára.

[Natália Franz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me someone to talk to while trying to conceive, having a miscarriage, then going through IVF and finally being pregnant. Amy made me think about it in a different perspective while also making me laugh about certain experiences we all have in common. I would strongly recommend it for every woman starting in this wonderful (and crazy) fertility journey.

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good comprehensive overview of all (or at least almost all) the issues around fertility treatment. I thought she did a particularly good job of demystifying the tons of technical terms you're likely to encounter.

[Chloe (Always Booked) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so informative, yet conversational, it was WONDERFUL. I feel like if you have ever been doing fertility treatments, this book would be helpful. That being said, the whole book will not apply to everyone, but I really enjoyed this!

[Dr. Lillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Humor-filled but deeply researched book covering a remarkable range of topics encountered by most on the infertility path. Amy’s writing is accessible and easily understood, and her use of first person accounts throughout is really helpful.

[Kristen U · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was outstanding! It walks the reader through the different fertility options gibing the good, bad and ugly. I am thankful to Amy for sharing her journey and the knowledge she gained along the way. I am also thankful for the many other women’s fertility journey that she shined a light on!

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic read for anyone having infertility issues. So many resources and different points of view. Whether it is IUI, IVF, donor eggs or sperm, it is talked about in this book! Even what happens when you want to stop trying. It made me laugh and cry for a subject that is heartbreaking

[Allen Tang · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book is good for women going through infertility, but even better for partners or family members who are trying to support the woman going through infertility. It gives you insight into what they're going through. You learn what insensitive comments or unhelpful suggestions to avoid.

[Alexa Crawford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exactly what I needed to read after recurrent loss and IVF. The author uses dark humor and facts to help the reader relate. Highly recommended to anyone in this unfortunate season—we’re in it together!