The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are

by Kevin Leman

Dr. Leman's ever popular book on birth order is ready for a new generation of readers. With insight and wit, Dr. Leman offers readers a fascinating and often funny look at how birth order affects personality, marriage and relationships, parenting style, career, and children. Whether at home or on the job, birth order powerfully influences the way people interact with others. This is a great book for anyone who wants to learn more about how they react to their world. Dr. Leman even shows readers how to overcome ingrained tendencies they never thought they'd be rid of, all by focusing on their birth order.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Psychology, Self Help, Book Club, Relationships, Family

368 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1984

About the author

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.

Connect with Dr. Leman on:
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Reviews

[Mary Mascari · Rating 2 out of 5]

I got this book on a recommendation from a friend and I'm sorry to say I was quite disappointed in it (Sorry, Kelly!). Leman's findings are vague stereotypes, backed up by anecdotal evidence mostly from his own family.

He didn't have much more insight beyond the ideas that first borns are either stern perfectionists or overly eager to please, middle children are negotiators, and the baby of the family is a charming iconoclast. He did say that the birth order can start over with large gaps between children, which was interesting. But for evidence, he relies mostly on his own childhood and children, peppering in some examples from his practice, conversations he's had with people, Bible stories, and a few statistics.

He also runs out of material about 2/3 of the way through, and starts talking about how parents should discipline their children. Useful, perhaps, but not what was on the tin. And we get a lot of autobiographical information (we learn he didn't have a vasectomy after his youngest son was born). Plus, there's a strong pro-Christian bias, which made some of the material difficult to relate to.

Overall, it's got some fun concepts that might entertain you for an afternoon. Like a horoscope, you can look for the traits that match the profile Leman provides, ignoring the rest, and marvel at his uncanny accuracy.

[Any Length · Rating 1 out of 5]

I give this book one star for managing to fool a number of people into believing the authors ridiculous ideas.
Here is what Leman did. I shall create three basic character types. I shall call one the first born, one the middle/second born, and one the baby (or last born). Then I claim to know which one you fit in. Say I call you a first born. Then when I find that you are not a first born I shall redefine my theory, by making you a first born by proxy because you either switched identities with your next born sibling, or they were sick or died or you came from a blended family or your father or mother behaved funny or they didn't like you or you had trauma in your life or you had too many years between the next child and yourself or your next sibling in line had a different gender. You getting it?
He gives you so many exception that he can make the last born of 100 kids a first born, just to prove his pet theory right all the while moving into circular arguments by using as proof what he is trying to argue.
Not working with me. About as valid as reading your tea leaves and then shaking the cup to upset the leaves because the resulting prediction didn't fit the situation.
What a waste of time this book was.

BTW Dr.Leman, using famous people from the past to verify your theory that first borns are the achievers in this world doesn't work, because you have no access to their life story and thus cannot say whether they switched identities with a younger sibling and thus were really a second born.

I also found one argument offensive. Dr. Leman argued that if adopting you should treat all children in your family equally, whether they are your blood child or adopted child. But he then argues you should adopt a child younger than your own child so the adopted child won't upset the birth order of your child, by kicking it from first born to a second born birth order.
Well, if that is not on for your own child and you are treating all children equally, why then is it ok for the adopted child to potentially be kicked off it's own birth order? The adopted child could very well also be a first born and by making it join a family with an older child the adoptee will be dispossessed of it's first born birth order.
Not treating all children equal after all, hmmm, Dr. Leman? The blood child is just a little bit more equal.

I don't buy your biased statements nor your strange theory. And no matter how you twist it, there is no way you can make a first born out of this last born, no matter how you twist my family structure.

I discarded this book after Part 3.

[Tori · Rating 5 out of 5]

well. There is so much i have to say about this book, and not enough time to type it! You can believe this book or not-the choice is yours- but either way it is a QUITE entertaining read. It basically tells you,no, actually it states quite clearly that you are like __________ because you are a (insert birth order here)

For instance I learned some supposedly need to know things abou myself, givin I am a first born:
1. I am very demending, perfectionist(well maybe i am a bit of a perfectionist!:)),critical, logical, not fun, not spontaneous, and like to be a leader and controller
OR I COULD BE THIS!
A overlooked discouraged pefectionist who will be a hopeless loser.

2. Since im a first born, naturally i have all the perssure so i might just become a druggy to escape it all! Or Ill beat up my little brother. one or the other.

3. In order for my life to be successful I have to marry a middle child or lastborn, or else i will be too demanding and will end up divorcing.

Haha actually the druggy was an extreme case but still...

Ok, now i think im giving the wrong impression of the book. Lots of the stuff in it did make a lot of sense, and it was humorous. Sure some of t is very stereotypical, but the author does make clear that there are exceptions. Seriously! Some of the stuff was very insightful.

Most of all I just think it is funny that someone could write 300 pages of in depth stuff about birth orders! I mean ther are birth order variables and defintions and formulas and eyerything! Kind of like a personality quizzish thing. ITs also annoying to your parents, because you can say,
"Mom, you should really stop babying Trevor. It's giving him more lastborn traits that could mean that he won't be able to cope with the read world and make him a spoiled brat!"
So if you want to see what your birth oder supposedly means about you, read this book! if nothing else youll get a kick out of it, i know i did!

[JC · Rating 2 out of 5]

As I started reading this book, I thought the concept was so interesting! That is, your personality is somewhat predetermined by whether you are an only child, first-born, middle-born, or the baby. Some of it makes sense, but then he starts explaining all these "exceptions" and you start to realize he's just fooling himself to think that all first-borns are perfectionists and babies are just social butterflies. There are just too many exceptions to really believe in any of this.

[Sabrina · Rating 1 out of 5]

My 2nd DNF. Boo! Listened to about 1/2 of the book on audio and skimmed through the rest. Very outdated and very much a pseudoscience to me. I wouldn’t consider this a self-help or nonfiction genre as much as I would an autobiography for the author.

A few personal disappointments:
Describing a man as: “34, engineer” and a woman as: “blonde” in the same sentence. An age and career for the man, merely a hair color for the woman.
Comparing a child with ADD to his “perfectly normal” sibling.
Calling a child with cerebral palsy “special.”

[Diana · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has some eye-opening ideas about how birth order affects personality. A lot of it made sense. However, most of this seems to read like a commercial trying to convince me to buy this book that I was already reading. ????

[Grace Snow · Rating 1 out of 5]

My mother-in-law forced me to read this because she claimed that it would answer all my questions about my second-born. (She herself is a second-born.) Instead, it was basically stupid and confusing. There were more exceptions than rules to his theory. Basically, almost anyone can be considered a firstborn. You just have to have more than 2 or 3 years between you and your next older sibling. Or be a different gender than your older siblings. Or.... It was extremely unhelpful, and (apparently) intentionally vague. There are lots of theories about birth order. These don't seem to be very good ones.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read, and made for interesting book club discussions! I do think it could have been more detailed- the firstborn in me wants to know the “why” behind a lot of what he says. Three stars because I don’t think I’ll reread it.

[Angela Moon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was very interested in this topic, so I picked up this book at the library.

I wanted to buy into his theories because the concept in general seemed interesting.

I won't repeat what others have said already about Leman's pompous, self-important bragging. However, I teach students with special needs, so this is the line on which I stopped reading:

"And what about the little lastborn brother? He is, of course, the firstborn male in the family, and chances are that his cerebral-palsied sister will ace him out of the baby status."

Really? How absolutely, devastatingly offensive. First of all, to Dr. Leman: the term which you used in reference to the sister conveys an indifference toward and belittling of people who happen to be disabled.

Second, you need to do some volunteering with children who have cerebral palsy. After your time there, perhaps you'll have gained perspective into the hardships many of them endure every day as a result of their condition. Certainly not an "ace" to their advantage. And the comparisons to babies because of possible reliance on others for care?

Heartless, careless comment. They'll give a doctorate to anyone.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the most enjoyable, most SPOT ON psycology book I've read so far. Leman does a terrific job of writing so that the concepts he presents are comprehensive, yet intellegent; without the pretention that so irritates me about many psychologists.

I was amazed at how much I could fit myself, my siblings, my parents, my husband and his family and my kids into his explainations of how birth order effect our personalities. And I love that he is not so absolute about his definitions either. They remain very flexible, as they should, because no one person exactly fits any precise mold. I was even able to see some changes I should make in my marriage (although I have a fabulous relationship with my husband) because my behavior could cause problems down the line.

I cannot wait to check out another book of his, Getting your Kids to Mind Without Losing yours. I don't fool myself that understanding birth order will solve all my problems, but I think it could be a big help.

[Stacy Beck · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked it and learned some things along the way. Here are somethings I liked:
* Firstborns tend to be conscientious, well organized, serious, goal oriented, achieving, people pleasers and believers in authority.
* One of the best predictions in life is that whatever the firstborn in a family is, the secondborn in the family will go in a different (and oftentimes opposite)direction.
* The bottom line is that parents expect too much of firstborns.
* A child's personality is pretty well formed by age 5.
* Middleborn children often hang out more with their peer group than does any other child in the family.
* Lastborns get away with murder (no surprise there!)
* Babies of the family can be charming and endearing but then turn rebellious and hard to deal with.
* Parents get all "taught out" by the time the lastborn arrives. The tendency is to let the lastborn sort of shift for himself.

[Tiana]

If you like biased stereotypes coming from a very self-congratulatory narrator, then this book is for you.

[OvercommuniKate · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is like someone explaining that an apple dropped from a window will go splat without explaining gravity.

There's a shorter, secular book inside of this Christian Patriarchal influenced psychology book. I don't think the thesis of this book is bullshit, in fact, I strongly believe family dynamics influence personality types and habits of people. But there's a way to write that and acknowledge the sexism of why this happens. There is no analysis of sexism, feminism, or patriarchy in this book. If we lived in a world where women could earn as much as a man, be respected as much as a man, and we didn't have Christian patriarchy purity culture, would these rules still apply? The fact that the author doesn't even ask the question is a problem. The answer is no. The idea that family psychology can exist in a vacuum, separate from sexual politics, is bullshit. The way many Americans raise first born daughters is influenced by the fact we're launching them into a world that thinks they're worth less than men.

Lots of the studies in the book hold up, like parents spending more time with first borns and being less strict with last borns. However, to present that without the context of gender inequality is an incomplete picture.

[Margaret McCamant · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up on a remainder table a long time ago, just started reading it. Although it may be too much book for the material, the many funny stories about families and their quirks makes the reading go fast as we recognize ourselves and others all too easily. We all seem to fit our birth order profiles quite well: I'm a pretty classic firstborn, with that overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I'm probably more the compliant than the aggressive firstborn, with plenty of perfectionism and no small tendency to be judgemental in the mix.

Leman's implications for hiring decisions, blended families, and general child-rearing are pretty interesting.

[SoulSurvivor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow , I read this book in the mid-1980s ! It was a pretty popular book in those days and seems to have played out in my experience . Today's child psychologists would probably disagree with his analysis , but I enjoyed it way back when .

[Lovely Day · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐️

[Sadie Aman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn’t finish…I think too outdated for what I’m looking for

[Remi van Beekum · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you’re a firstborn and need a confidence boost, read this book. Otherwise, don’t. Why? Here’s a summary of the book:

- Parents put a lot of effort into raising their first child, so firstborns become highly motivated, perfectionistic, high-achieving, reliable, conscientious, and natural leaders. Lots of presidents and CEOs are firstborns, and they are great. Hurray for firstborns!
- Then parents become lazy, so all the later-borns suck. They are lazy, rebellious, manipulative, and usually don’t achieve much in life.
- Last-borns are the clowns of the family.
- Only children are firstborns on steroids.

There. The whole book in just 7 sentences.

So why did Dr. Kevin Leman need 331 pages to tell you this?

That’s because the rest is mainly repetition and bragging. He goes on and on about all the CEOs of fossil fuel companies he has met (they are all firstborn and great!). He is really proud of how often he flies and talks about the different airlines he uses. Furthermore, he boasts about all the TV shows he’s been on and who he met there (did you know all big TV hosts are firstborn and great?). And about his great family.

There are literally 16 pages about middle children in this 331-page book. So this book is not about birth order, as the title suggests. It’s about Dr. Kevin Leman’s love for firstborns.

It’s also important to tell you a little about the author because of the overall feel the book has. He is a conservative, Christian American. Readers from outside the US will read the word ‘conservative’ three times in that sentence. He presumes you know all kinds of biblical figures and stories, as he uses them as examples. And the book is about males, because they are way more important to a conservative, Christian American.

[Angie Libert · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book years ago and really enjoyed it. I came back to it because I was hoping to gain greater insight into my children and how to parent them within their birth order but the book was not that helpful. Really nothing on middle born children. Most of the last born child info was all about the author's experience. In fact, a good portion of the book was just about the author's personal experience of birth order. I guess I was hoping for something less anecdotal and more philosophical. I will have to see what else is out there. Maybe a return to The Child Whisperer?

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of those books that will mess with your mind if you let it! However, a good read, very easy and clear, that really does give a better understanding of people. I feel the need to go home and give all my siblings and cousins one on one attention! But then again...I am the mothering, perfectionist oldest child. =P

[Tracie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was just okay. I enjoyed the early chapters that laid out the theories of birth order, but wanted less self-help in the later chapters. The author became a little preachy as well as a bit sexist as the book went on.

[Stephanie *Eff your feelings* · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting. This book surprised me. Lots of good information and I was not expecting to much.

[Bert Grabinger · Rating 1 out of 5]

Astrology for psychologists. Or maybe psychology for astrologists?

[MrsMJ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting information, but I would have found it more helpful if it had been written in the opposite approach… It pointed out the pitfalls of the different birth orders and ended with a few notes about how to help kids meet their positive birth order potentials and how to avoid causing the pitfalls... It would have been nice to see it as the opposite approach: Here is the birth order type, here are the positive traits this type can achieve if you do these helpful parenting strategies such as q, r, and s, and try to avoid these negative authoritarian/permissive strategies such as x, y, and z because they can lead to negative outcomes… Instead I was reading most of the book feeling like my child(ren) would possibly be destined for negative futures because of their birth order, and then at the end, the positive discipline (and other positive) strategies he finally shared were things I’ve already been doing to support my LO, so I felt relieved… So it would have been nicer to start with that and then only have a brief mention at the end of what negative effects could come if authoritarian/permissive parenting are used… So the book had potential to be a helpful and insightful book, I just think the focus could have been flipped—focus on the positive discipline and other positive parenting strategies and how they will develop the child’s best potential for their birth order, and then give a mention to the negative affects that authoritarian/permissive parenting can have on the different birth order types.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m currently doing a study on birth order and not only did this validate me as the oldest of five, it confirmed everything I’ve already been thinking of each step in the birth order.

I was raised by two babies of the family who are so used to having things their way. I have three younger brothers, the first being the middle of the five, but I remember being confused as to why the second boy displayed more middle child symptoms than the first. Dr. Leman helped me out with that confusion and now I have my answer.

I find myself seeing qualities in myself that I see in famous first born children that I admire like Rebbie Jackson and Beyoncé. And this book confirmed all those first born qualities we share. It also confirmed my suspicions on the babies of the family and why they act the way they do.

This book was fun! It made me sad in some areas, made me happy, and laugh! I recommend this to anyone studying birth order or wants to figure out “why they are the way they are.”

This is another one of those books that I need a physical copy of. The need to highlight was strong here! 😂

[Josh Broccolo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting observations on how birth order affects people throughout their lives from the lens of a clinical psychologist. While I think the conclusions are a bit too broad to make assumptions about particular people (although I suppose I would have the opposite critique were Leman to assert hard and fast rules), it's always interesting to learn about how others think.
What stuck out to me most about the book is the effect of parenting and "nurture" on a young child. In essence, all of Leman's findings have to do with the parent/child relationship and how much attention and discipline each child gets. Great info for my current stage of life.
A solid read; we'll just have to see how it plays out in my own personal family circus.

[Kiri Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Lehman isn't as funny as he thinks he is (or perhaps I don't share his brand of humor), but his assessment of birth order was fascinating and easy to see in my own family and friends. Many reviews criticize this book for keeping birth order generalized, but he does it well and intentionally. Birth order is not a firm mold; it is merely a general pattern that can be worked out differently in each family.

I listened to this book on audiobook, but I would like to get my hands on a paper copy. There were many quizzes and lists spread throughout the book that I really couldn't take advantage as I mostly listened while driving.

[Mandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author was completely accurate when explaining the firstborn child (myself and my son), the middle child (my daughter and husband), and the marriage dynamic of a middle child and firstborn (my marriage). My youngest did not fit the mold of the last born child, but I believe that has a lot to do with her being parented by an oldest and having two oldest siblings. The theory behind the birthing order is fascinating and clears up so many questions regarding family dynamics. The last few chapters were a little redundant but really an overall interesting read.

[Josiah DeGraaf · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book kind of feels like a casual conversation with a smart guy you know about his observations and theories. It lacks much hard evidence or sources to support its different claims, but you can see the general truth of what he's arguing for. If you're looking for a rigorous psychological look at how birth order affects us, this isn't the book for you. If you want to think about some interesting general truths as a starting point for a discussion, though, this book has its value.

Rating: 3-3.5 Stars (Good).

[Joy C · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kept waiting for this book to get better and it did not.

If you’re interested in a meandering in-depth biography of Kevin Leman + a comprehensive catalogue of stereotypes about birth order + hackneyed advice on why perfectionism is bad, this book is for you. Otherwise, just keep walking.

Edit: Adding a star for the last few chapters on parenting oldest kids (whose only role model is their parents and thus strive for perfection) and youngest kids (whose parents are never impressed by any of their achievements bc they’ve seen it all)