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Would I Lie to You?: The Amazing Power of Being Honest in a World That Lies
“An interesting reported memoir about the power of honesty—not surprisingly, a surprisingly honest account.” —Gretchen Rubin, bestselling author of The Happiness Project “Some books change how you think. Some change how you act. Would I Lie to You? does both.” —KJ Dell’Antonia, editor New York Times Motherlode blog, and author of How to Be a Happier Parent Inspired by her popular New York Times article, “How Honesty Could Make You Happier,” award-winning journalist Judi Ketteler takes a deep dive into the hard truths about honesty, from the personal to the political . . . We’re incensed by politicians who lie and corporations that cheat, but when it comes to our own honesty choices, we often barely notice. So, what happens when we do notice? Judi Ketteler thought of herself as an honest person. And yet, she knew it wasn’t the whole story . . . How often was Judi engaging in the same dishonest behavior she was condemning in others? To answer that question, she started her “Honesty Journal,” and set out to confront her perennial fear of speaking the truth in a range of situations—including with friends, her kids, and even inside her complicated marriage. The result is a timely consideration of the joys and pains of truth in a world that seems committed to lying. “Great for generating discussion on the subject of authenticity and thinking through tough questions.” —Library Journal “Would I Lie to You? is filled with so many fresh insights and proactive solutions that it could pass for a masterclass on honesty.” —Camille Pagán, bestselling author of I’m Fine and Neither Are You “Candor, humor, and wry guidance for developing positive, forthright relationships with ourselves and others.” —Foreword Magazine
274 pages, Kindle Edition
Published December 31, 2019
44 people are currently reading
1241 people want to read
About the author
Judi Ketteler
3 books21 followersJudi Ketteler has been writing stories since she was old enough to hold a pencil. She got her professional start working as a copywriter for a small agency, but has been a full-time freelance writer since 2002. An award-winning essayist, she has contributed to dozens of publications, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, Los Angeles Magazine, Better Homes & Gardens, Good Housekeeping, Runner’s World, and Women’s Health. She is also the author of two books about sewing. Judi has a B.A. in English from Northern Kentucky University, and an M.A. in English from Miami University of Ohio, where she studied the intersection of race and gender in nineteenth century American women’s sentimental fiction. She lives in Cincinnati with her husband and two children.
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February 25, 2020An interesting reported memoir about the power of honesty—not surprisingly, a surprisingly honest account.
January 13, 2020
I think I was expecting more data, and broad examples than a very anecdotal book that reads more like a memoir. There are some interesting (to me) thoughts and ideas here, but mostly it’s the personal story of the writer and honestly it wasn’t what I was looking for.
November 12, 2019
This book reads more like a memoir than self-help. It's chock full of research, statistics, and anecdotes that explore what honesty means and looks like in our society. I appreciate how personal the author gets in sharing her experiences and feelings. It allowed me to connect with her in a way I generally don't with non-fiction books. She really went out on a limb by voicing her political opinions and I like that! The fact that this book was partially born because of President Trump's blatant lying made me feel less alone in the fact that I am troubled by it too. And I like the thought of saying, "I hate how much he lies, so what does my own relationship with honesty look like?" Going into this book, I considered myself a pretty honest person. I'm inspired by the author to maybe start my own honesty journal, as she did, to track how much I'm probably lying to myself and others in the name of politeness.
There are so many different angles in this book. She looks at honesty in the work place, friendships, intimate relationships, in parenting, and in relation to self. She breaks honesty down and quotes research that shows how dishonesty works in positive ways at times.
The writing style is casual, which I liked. Though the pace felt rambling and repetitive at times. Some of that may have been due to poor formatting in the digital copy I read. I'd be curious to get my hands on a physcal copy of this book later.
I highly recommend it for those who are also struggling with the current administration's dishonesty. Also for readers of social science and non-fiction.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Kensington books for an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.
There are so many different angles in this book. She looks at honesty in the work place, friendships, intimate relationships, in parenting, and in relation to self. She breaks honesty down and quotes research that shows how dishonesty works in positive ways at times.
The writing style is casual, which I liked. Though the pace felt rambling and repetitive at times. Some of that may have been due to poor formatting in the digital copy I read. I'd be curious to get my hands on a physcal copy of this book later.
I highly recommend it for those who are also struggling with the current administration's dishonesty. Also for readers of social science and non-fiction.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Kensington books for an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.
January 20, 2020
The title of the book, Would I Lie to You?
Answer: Absolutely! This author lies throughout this book. I found it to be contradictory and quite annoying at times.
I appreciated the personal stories and experiences that filled this book. I somewhat enjoyed the labeling of the various types and reasons for telling lies, although I also feel that liars could use it as a means of justification.
However, I feel that this was a sorry attempt at the author putting herself on a pedestal, or maybe she actually doesn’t see the contradictions. To me, that negatively impacted everything she was trying to prove as I kept thinking about the lies, deception, and omissions. I tried chalking it up to just trying to pass her own agenda or being naive but could not stop focusing on it.
Overall, I guess honesty comes down to a multitude of individual traits and characteristics. Some people just have a natural inclination to be honest and others need to focus and really work at it. For me, this book had little to offer because I feel that the author discredited herself by lying very early on and that ruined the rest of the book for me.
#GoodreadsGiveaways
Answer: Absolutely! This author lies throughout this book. I found it to be contradictory and quite annoying at times.
I appreciated the personal stories and experiences that filled this book. I somewhat enjoyed the labeling of the various types and reasons for telling lies, although I also feel that liars could use it as a means of justification.
However, I feel that this was a sorry attempt at the author putting herself on a pedestal, or maybe she actually doesn’t see the contradictions. To me, that negatively impacted everything she was trying to prove as I kept thinking about the lies, deception, and omissions. I tried chalking it up to just trying to pass her own agenda or being naive but could not stop focusing on it.
Overall, I guess honesty comes down to a multitude of individual traits and characteristics. Some people just have a natural inclination to be honest and others need to focus and really work at it. For me, this book had little to offer because I feel that the author discredited herself by lying very early on and that ruined the rest of the book for me.
#GoodreadsGiveaways
January 14, 2020
A deep dive into the topic of honesty--a subject most of us believe we know well, and act on almost constantly. However, this book prompted me to consider the times I'm not forthcoming and examine the reasons (good and not-so-good) behind that. An especially timely area for examination, given all that's going on in our world.
January 1, 2024
Pretty pedestrian book about first world white feminist moral dilemmas. This is a person who has been a liar for a long time over stuff people don’t need to lie about and thought she could use that to be some kind of a thought leader on moral integrity. For example, when her kid wanted to buy an overpriced keychain at a farmer’s market, she said “I don’t have any more money.” Then she did some reflecting, wrote about it in her “honesty journal” and now wrote this post-modern-but-selectively-Christian feminist moral thinking book about the power of telling your truth and living more authentically. Stunning.
Not the worst book I ever read. But certainly the worst book I have read all year (I gave one star to Jennette McCurdy's I'm Glad My Mom Died for moral reasons, that was still at least interesting and real). Surely there is a thoughtful post-religious author who can own up to their own failures without blaming it on their early-life religious programming. But not here. It reminded me of the irony of Miley Cyrus’s song where she talks about how she “used to be young” as if her phase of immaturity is somehow in the past and it’s obvious to everyone listening that she is every bit as unreflective as she ever was.
I’m not squeamish when it comes to reading about sex, but what is it with authors feeling the need to talk about losing their virginity? It’s not nearly as interesting as they think, and it feels like a manipulative bid for unearned credibility. Does anyone read this and think that this is somehow brave, vulnerable and authentic? So frequently these authors speak out against shame culture by speaking shamelessly about faking orgasms. And also throwing in a few f***s and sh**s to establish themselves as a plain-speaking credible persons.
I have read a couple of Ms. Ketteler’s opinion pieces in the New York Times. Her opening line on her own website is that she helps organizations create “extraordinary content.” In perusing her portfolio she mentions how humbled she was working for some of her clients. When you’re as humble and honest as Judi Ketteler is, I suppose you can’t help making extraordinary content wherever you go.
It’s less of a timely book for her era as much as a frustrating reflection of it. So many of the wokeness and Therapyspeak drinking game terms get mentioned: authenticity, narratives, safety, “live your truth,” “self-truths,” “share your story,” “do the work,” vulnerability, “racial justice,” “white fragility,” “white privilege,” intention, shame, triggers, she even combines some of them (“shame triggers”). She even mentions Donald Trump and her disgust with his supporters several times. I didn’t roll my eyes, but I was tempted to.
Some good things: she has some good sources. The research about students who cheat on tests predicting their ability to perform similarly well on future tests even when the opportunity to cheat disappears.
The writing is at least technically good, even if lacking in humility and objectivity (but, then again, what post-religious writer isn’t?). But her stories aren’t sufficiently interesting to stand on their own, her writing isn’t strong enough to elevate the mundane, and her credentials just aren’t there for me to trust her as a self-help author.
I appreciate the attempt to address the evergreen topic of honesty and dishonesty. She touches on the idea of pro-social lying and paternalistic lying. But she completely overlooks the complexities of telling the truth and why sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all. She mentions only in passing how the virtue of modesty is, in one way, a form of dishonesty, and yet it is not honest to immodestly engage in shameless self-display telling the world how humble or honest you are (which is neither humble nor honest, even if you are sincere in your beliefs about yourself). She prides herself in telling Republicans that she doesn’t have any interest in advancing their agenda, but rationalizes her evasions when she does nothing for Democrats. Perhaps she could just tell all activists that she is not interested in helping anyone but herself, but she still wants to extract credit for having Democrat/feminist/freelance author identities.
I wonder how she would respond to someone asking her why she brushes her teeth or puts on deodorant when both of those practices obscure her authentic true self. She talks tell-it-like-it-is, but she walks an ethic of being selectively honest as it suits her interests.
She never hits the right point of tension when it comes to the conflicting values that tempt one to “pro-social lies.” It’s not a virtue, for example, to cherry-pick favorable truths and overlook or minimize critical truths. That’s lawyerly manipulation. It’s not a virtue to say truths that are neither kind nor constructive. A parent can teach their children to be honest, but still cringe when they fail to integrate their honesty with appropriate social filters (I am getting visions of a teenage boy lacking in self-awareness who speaks out in class about which female class members bodies were best, another one describing with cruel exactness the odor of one foul-smelling female classmate, or an old person who meets a performer after a concert and the first thing she mentions was all the times the singer sang the wrong lyrics). There’s a reason why mature neurotypicals may value honesty but don’t aspire to being autistically honest. It’s also not virtuous to speak in earnest from a place of ignorance. For example, if someone asked me how to play the saxophone, I could say “You can play! All you have to do is blow on the reed while pressing the keys.” True, but useless.
Sadly, this book ends up being just that: true but useless. Brene Brown Lite.
As an alternative better takes on honesty I’d recommend Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, Michael Sandel’s Justice, Dan Ariely’s The Honest Truth About Dishonesty, Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, Robert Bolt’s A Man For All Seasons, Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
Not the worst book I ever read. But certainly the worst book I have read all year (I gave one star to Jennette McCurdy's I'm Glad My Mom Died for moral reasons, that was still at least interesting and real). Surely there is a thoughtful post-religious author who can own up to their own failures without blaming it on their early-life religious programming. But not here. It reminded me of the irony of Miley Cyrus’s song where she talks about how she “used to be young” as if her phase of immaturity is somehow in the past and it’s obvious to everyone listening that she is every bit as unreflective as she ever was.
I’m not squeamish when it comes to reading about sex, but what is it with authors feeling the need to talk about losing their virginity? It’s not nearly as interesting as they think, and it feels like a manipulative bid for unearned credibility. Does anyone read this and think that this is somehow brave, vulnerable and authentic? So frequently these authors speak out against shame culture by speaking shamelessly about faking orgasms. And also throwing in a few f***s and sh**s to establish themselves as a plain-speaking credible persons.
I have read a couple of Ms. Ketteler’s opinion pieces in the New York Times. Her opening line on her own website is that she helps organizations create “extraordinary content.” In perusing her portfolio she mentions how humbled she was working for some of her clients. When you’re as humble and honest as Judi Ketteler is, I suppose you can’t help making extraordinary content wherever you go.
It’s less of a timely book for her era as much as a frustrating reflection of it. So many of the wokeness and Therapyspeak drinking game terms get mentioned: authenticity, narratives, safety, “live your truth,” “self-truths,” “share your story,” “do the work,” vulnerability, “racial justice,” “white fragility,” “white privilege,” intention, shame, triggers, she even combines some of them (“shame triggers”). She even mentions Donald Trump and her disgust with his supporters several times. I didn’t roll my eyes, but I was tempted to.
Some good things: she has some good sources. The research about students who cheat on tests predicting their ability to perform similarly well on future tests even when the opportunity to cheat disappears.
The writing is at least technically good, even if lacking in humility and objectivity (but, then again, what post-religious writer isn’t?). But her stories aren’t sufficiently interesting to stand on their own, her writing isn’t strong enough to elevate the mundane, and her credentials just aren’t there for me to trust her as a self-help author.
I appreciate the attempt to address the evergreen topic of honesty and dishonesty. She touches on the idea of pro-social lying and paternalistic lying. But she completely overlooks the complexities of telling the truth and why sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all. She mentions only in passing how the virtue of modesty is, in one way, a form of dishonesty, and yet it is not honest to immodestly engage in shameless self-display telling the world how humble or honest you are (which is neither humble nor honest, even if you are sincere in your beliefs about yourself). She prides herself in telling Republicans that she doesn’t have any interest in advancing their agenda, but rationalizes her evasions when she does nothing for Democrats. Perhaps she could just tell all activists that she is not interested in helping anyone but herself, but she still wants to extract credit for having Democrat/feminist/freelance author identities.
I wonder how she would respond to someone asking her why she brushes her teeth or puts on deodorant when both of those practices obscure her authentic true self. She talks tell-it-like-it-is, but she walks an ethic of being selectively honest as it suits her interests.
She never hits the right point of tension when it comes to the conflicting values that tempt one to “pro-social lies.” It’s not a virtue, for example, to cherry-pick favorable truths and overlook or minimize critical truths. That’s lawyerly manipulation. It’s not a virtue to say truths that are neither kind nor constructive. A parent can teach their children to be honest, but still cringe when they fail to integrate their honesty with appropriate social filters (I am getting visions of a teenage boy lacking in self-awareness who speaks out in class about which female class members bodies were best, another one describing with cruel exactness the odor of one foul-smelling female classmate, or an old person who meets a performer after a concert and the first thing she mentions was all the times the singer sang the wrong lyrics). There’s a reason why mature neurotypicals may value honesty but don’t aspire to being autistically honest. It’s also not virtuous to speak in earnest from a place of ignorance. For example, if someone asked me how to play the saxophone, I could say “You can play! All you have to do is blow on the reed while pressing the keys.” True, but useless.
Sadly, this book ends up being just that: true but useless. Brene Brown Lite.
As an alternative better takes on honesty I’d recommend Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, Michael Sandel’s Justice, Dan Ariely’s The Honest Truth About Dishonesty, Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, Robert Bolt’s A Man For All Seasons, Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
March 1, 2020
The presentation and statement formation was utterly tiresome for me. Besides a few turns the whole book was - I think this; I think that, I did this; I did that blablablabla ffs! 😖 total waste of my time & resources.
February 16, 2021
3.75. An interesting look at honesty.
January 11, 2020
I loved this book, and you will too if you enjoy wrestling with big topics, want better relationships (even with yourself), feel stressed about our increasingly dishonest/filtered world, and/or relish self-development topics. If you think honesty is simple or straightforward – then you definitely need to get a copy. Judi combines personal insights and experience with research to make a compelling case for increasing awareness about our own day-to-day honesty and dishonesty. She covers vulnerability, emotions, expectations, and identity – and how they factor into our truths and lies. I particularly enjoyed the last half of the book, which is broken up into different chapters on relationships. It was a pleasure reading this book, and I finished with so many valuable takeaways. It’s definitely one I’ll save to reference in the future.
January 21, 2020
[I am friends with Judi so I am biased] If you've ever had that pit in your stomach because you said something that wasn't exactly true (or was completely false), or you've wondered how to truthfully answer your kid's questions, or have kept a secret that took it's toll on you or on a relationships, or have said something with the intention of being honest but wondered after if it was really the right thing to do...basically if you're alive you will get so much out of reading this book about what happened in Judi's life when she started paying more attention to when she was--and wasn't--honest and talking to researchers about what we've learned about honesty. I always trust Judi to help me see a murky subject with more clarity and more empathy than I had before and this book does that with honesty in spades! I loved it, and I think you will too.
December 22, 2020
I kind of expected this would be an extended version of the biblical commandment not to lie. But it’s far more nuanced. Ketteler recognizes that “prosocial” lies can serve a purpose of softening a painful message, as she did when someone barged into her swimming lane in a local pool. There was nothing to be gained by making the man feel terrible, so she told him it was a common beginner mistake that she and others had done.
A much more consequential example is protecting hidden Jews from certain death during the Holocaust (p. 65). While that was extreme, it fits in with her identity as a liberal-to-progressive who works to improve the world; she devotes significant space to confronting her own and society’s racism, for instance (pp. 233-236).
She also recognizes that not every truth is necessarily ours to tell. It is not necessarily your role to disrupt a happy marriage by revealing a secret you came across accidentally (p. 188).
Yet, she also argues the other side. She calls herself (and us) out for things like half-truths, omissions, failing to speak up, conflict of interest, exaggeration, unexamined claims, lack of candor (all pp. 45-49 and elsewhere), and sidestepping (p. 128 and elsewhere).
It’s a deeply personal book. We watch her struggle throughout the book with what she calls an “emotional affair”: a nonsexual but deeply intimate friendship with a man who is not her husband, a friendship that could have turned sexual in a heartbeat. How does this affect her husband, his wife, and both of their kids? And we watch her wrestle with several other demons. She also brings up many larger social issues, such as why we hate being lied to but are so willing to distort the truth to others, and what types of identities we can define ourselves with to help us in the honesty struggle (“I am a person who tries to tell the truth,” p. 120), and how we can define others with uplifting messages such as “you could be a helper” instead of “please don’t cheat” (p. 112).
It’s also very well-researched. In addition to the 9-page bibliography, she also includes material from 18 primary-source interviews, mostly with the top researchers studying honesty issues. Unfortunately, it’s missing an index—but it does gather all 11 Honesty Principles introduced at various stages onto a single page (p. 249).
This book evolved out of several shorter pieces and an “honesty journal” kept over several years. In that journal, and in this book, Ketteler argues with herself. Is she sugar-coating how hard it is to be honest? Trying to make herself look too virtuous and failing to note her faults and honesty failures? Has she set the right tone with her clients, her kids, her husband, her dead “screw-up” brother, and even the guy at the pool?
I took five pages of notes. You should read it.
Disclosures: I’ve subscribed to Ketteler’s communications-focused newsletter for several years, and have corresponded with her often about articles she’s posted. I’ve also had my own journey with ethical issues, identified honesty and integrity as two of three key business success principles in a book I wrote in 2003, and keep a public (Facebook) Gratitude Journal where I talk about the good things in my day. I am fully aware that I could chose not to sugarcoat. I could write a daily “grumpitude journal” instead—but I don’t see Andy Rooney as someone to emulate. The truth of my day, the fully honest picture, would include both gratitude and grumpiness—but my journal’s openly stated goal is to bring more happiness into the world. I am under no obligation to increase others’ sorrow and stress by dwelling on my own, plus I believe that the things we pay more attention to begin to dominate our lives, and thus I choose to focus on what I’m grateful for.
A much more consequential example is protecting hidden Jews from certain death during the Holocaust (p. 65). While that was extreme, it fits in with her identity as a liberal-to-progressive who works to improve the world; she devotes significant space to confronting her own and society’s racism, for instance (pp. 233-236).
She also recognizes that not every truth is necessarily ours to tell. It is not necessarily your role to disrupt a happy marriage by revealing a secret you came across accidentally (p. 188).
Yet, she also argues the other side. She calls herself (and us) out for things like half-truths, omissions, failing to speak up, conflict of interest, exaggeration, unexamined claims, lack of candor (all pp. 45-49 and elsewhere), and sidestepping (p. 128 and elsewhere).
It’s a deeply personal book. We watch her struggle throughout the book with what she calls an “emotional affair”: a nonsexual but deeply intimate friendship with a man who is not her husband, a friendship that could have turned sexual in a heartbeat. How does this affect her husband, his wife, and both of their kids? And we watch her wrestle with several other demons. She also brings up many larger social issues, such as why we hate being lied to but are so willing to distort the truth to others, and what types of identities we can define ourselves with to help us in the honesty struggle (“I am a person who tries to tell the truth,” p. 120), and how we can define others with uplifting messages such as “you could be a helper” instead of “please don’t cheat” (p. 112).
It’s also very well-researched. In addition to the 9-page bibliography, she also includes material from 18 primary-source interviews, mostly with the top researchers studying honesty issues. Unfortunately, it’s missing an index—but it does gather all 11 Honesty Principles introduced at various stages onto a single page (p. 249).
This book evolved out of several shorter pieces and an “honesty journal” kept over several years. In that journal, and in this book, Ketteler argues with herself. Is she sugar-coating how hard it is to be honest? Trying to make herself look too virtuous and failing to note her faults and honesty failures? Has she set the right tone with her clients, her kids, her husband, her dead “screw-up” brother, and even the guy at the pool?
I took five pages of notes. You should read it.
Disclosures: I’ve subscribed to Ketteler’s communications-focused newsletter for several years, and have corresponded with her often about articles she’s posted. I’ve also had my own journey with ethical issues, identified honesty and integrity as two of three key business success principles in a book I wrote in 2003, and keep a public (Facebook) Gratitude Journal where I talk about the good things in my day. I am fully aware that I could chose not to sugarcoat. I could write a daily “grumpitude journal” instead—but I don’t see Andy Rooney as someone to emulate. The truth of my day, the fully honest picture, would include both gratitude and grumpiness—but my journal’s openly stated goal is to bring more happiness into the world. I am under no obligation to increase others’ sorrow and stress by dwelling on my own, plus I believe that the things we pay more attention to begin to dominate our lives, and thus I choose to focus on what I’m grateful for.
February 23, 2020
I found some parts of this book insightful and there are a few things that I think I’ll take away from it. I got about halfway through and felt like it was becoming more memoir-ish as the book progressed and it became less of what I was looking for. She mainly discusses lie scenarios that can come up in everyday situations, and while I do think it gave me some things to think about, I was also hoping to get insights into larger lies. Meaning like, world-building lies. I’ve gone though a couple experiences recently with learning that people close to me had invented entire parts of what I believed to be their (and my) lives. I was hoping to learn more about the psychology of those types of situations as I’m making my way through the impact of them in my own life. I skimmed the second half of the book and it didn’t seem to touch on larger lies, so I decided I could move along.
April 11, 2020
Want to be a better human? Read this book! I've always thought that there were two types of people in the world: honest people and liars. But there are many shades of gray when it comes to being truthful. I appreciate that the author was transparent about her own honesty journey and what she learned about herself. "Would I Lie to You" covers the vast array of social interactions - family dynamics, romantic relationships, career, friendships, and being honest with yourself. The author explains why we sometimes lie and why we sometimes should. "Would I Lie to You" opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not quite as honest as I'd like to believe, and I have room to come up higher.
March 4, 2021
More of a memoir and her own journal fighting herself on her own dishonesty and coming up with reasons for it from research. I got tired of reading about her talking about her own lying and infidelity but not really doing anything concrete to stop it. No point working on the honesty then isn’t it? Got really tiring to read after 1/4 of it. Didn’t finish and wouldn’t recommend unless maybe you’re working on your own current issues of lying and cheating and want some support maybe.
February 29, 2020
To be honest.....
Judi Ketteler has plowed a lot of ground in this work--much of it uncomfortable territory for many readers. But her bravery and willingness to share her personal story brings us all to the kitchen table for a conversation on honesty. We are all the better for such soul searching.
Judi Ketteler has plowed a lot of ground in this work--much of it uncomfortable territory for many readers. But her bravery and willingness to share her personal story brings us all to the kitchen table for a conversation on honesty. We are all the better for such soul searching.
March 20, 2020
on page 45 & I'm done with this book.
I am not interested in her self discovery or exploration about honesty with herself and others. The straw for me when she gave an example of prosocial lying, described as lying to others to benefit them. And the example she gave was when the Germans lied to the Jewish people. DONE.
I am not interested in her self discovery or exploration about honesty with herself and others. The straw for me when she gave an example of prosocial lying, described as lying to others to benefit them. And the example she gave was when the Germans lied to the Jewish people. DONE.
October 17, 2020
Such excellent writing on a compelling topic. Not only does she clearly describe the various forms of lying, she tells a great story about her own efforts to practice truth-telling in her primary relationships. I can say, as a career psychotherapist, that this book is also one of the best books on healthy marriage relationships that I've read.
March 7, 2020
Yes, I would lie to you, myself, my dog . . . and so do you. Found Ms. Ketteler's writing relevant, her personal search and self-discovery compelling. She presents the Questions that can help navigate a more fulfilling life, a more aware experience.
April 21, 2020
The author exposed aspects of her life that had to be difficult to expose. She brought experts in to the fold to explain human behavior, which was interesting and she used her own life experiences as examples of the concepts she explored, not sure what else people were expecting.
January 17, 2020
Accessible and very thought-provoking.
Read
May 14, 2020Couple of pages, took back
June 26, 2020
Up to date & relevant to the current times. A good read!
March 24, 2021
This book was a tough topic for me and therefore not an easy read. I appreciate thinking through commonplace practices like pro-social lies and self deception.
May 27, 2025
Learned I’m a big liar
March 1, 2020
I think that perhaps a better title for this book could have been "Would I Lie To Myself?" because this is mainly what this book is about. This book is an introspective look into the author's thoughts, values and judgements about herself when she finds herself conflicted about her self perception. On the one hand, she considers herself to be a decent human being and tries to embody all of the sociological constructs that this entails for her. On the other hand, she is making choices that would be perceived by outsiders as selfish, self indulgent and unethical when she makes excuses to justify straying in her marriage vows. She then casts a wider net onto her outside world by projecting this shame and inadequacy onto her outside environment. This is the author's process as she comes to terms with who she is (a flawed human being, just like everybody else on the planet), reconciles her marriage, and reflects on her scapegoated brother's death (as he is more flawed than she as well as dead and therefore incapable of casting judgement on her and her psychological plight). If this had been the entire book, I think I would have given it 5 stars. I don't judge her marriage. That's between her and her husband. If he accepts her and she accepts herself, then more power to them both. What rubbed me the wrong way about this book was that the author then tried to spin this introspective journey as a sort of a 'tragedy to triumph' thing, and project her point of view on herself as a narrative of everyone else. This annoyed me, because I disagree with the book's conclusions. While the writing is excellent, the content of this book is a mixed bag.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 22, 2023
This book really goes into the different aspects of why people lie. I used to think about lying as something black or white. You either lied or you didn't.
I recently had a good friend end our friendship partially because she said that I am honest to my detriment and "not a kind person" (even though she said I was kind to her 🤨). Through reading this book, I discovered that I am not a "pro social" lier. Perhaps this is why she views me as not being a kind person. She may view it as showing a lack of compassion. Also, I realized that culturally it may be very important for her to "save face," simply because of her upbringing. I also suspect that she wasn't fully honest in her reasons for ending our friendship. I think that she viewed it as a "pro social " lie so as to go gentle on my feelings. However, I think that her lack of honesty actually made the situation more hurtful.
I pride myself on my honesty. It is important to me to be trustworthy to others. Doing it in the kindest way possible and determining if it is my truth to tell or not are some of the things that I struggle with.
Something that I wish was addressed in the book but was not, was the difference between lies told by men vs. women and how they are received. I feel like I received more judgement as a woman because I am "honest to a fault" than I would if I were a man.
Note: This book does contain bad language.
I recently had a good friend end our friendship partially because she said that I am honest to my detriment and "not a kind person" (even though she said I was kind to her 🤨). Through reading this book, I discovered that I am not a "pro social" lier. Perhaps this is why she views me as not being a kind person. She may view it as showing a lack of compassion. Also, I realized that culturally it may be very important for her to "save face," simply because of her upbringing. I also suspect that she wasn't fully honest in her reasons for ending our friendship. I think that she viewed it as a "pro social " lie so as to go gentle on my feelings. However, I think that her lack of honesty actually made the situation more hurtful.
I pride myself on my honesty. It is important to me to be trustworthy to others. Doing it in the kindest way possible and determining if it is my truth to tell or not are some of the things that I struggle with.
Something that I wish was addressed in the book but was not, was the difference between lies told by men vs. women and how they are received. I feel like I received more judgement as a woman because I am "honest to a fault" than I would if I were a man.
Note: This book does contain bad language.
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