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The Mom Factor
No one has influenced the person you are today like your mother. The way she handled your needs as a child has shaped your worldview, your relationships, your marriage, your career, your self-image -- your life. The Mom Factor can help you identify areas that need reshaping, to make positive choices for personal change, and to establish a nature relationship with Mom today. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend steer you down a path of discovery and growth beyond the effects of six common mom types: - The Phantom Mom . . . - The China Doll Mom - The Controlling Mom . . . - The Trophy Mom - The Still-the-Boss Mom . . . The American Express Mom -- You'll learn how your mom affected you as a child and may still be affecting you today. And you'll find a realistic and empowering approach to filling your unmet mothering needs in healthy, life-changing ways through other people. The Mom Factor is a biblical route to wholeness and growth, to deeper and more satisfying bonds with your family, friends, and spouse -- and to a new, healthier way of relating to your mother today.
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1996
194 people are currently reading
1217 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
210 books2,170 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
May 9, 2014
Ugh... this book has important information. But I didn't like reading it! As a mom I am hyperaware of how my actions will have long-range effects on my children. As if I didn't have enough to worry about--I read this book and now I keep looking at different behaviors my kids display and think--is that because of me? Is that because I didn't ____________?
This book stereotypes different mothering styles and breaks each of those styles down and gives you insights on how that mothering style can effect your other relationships/jobs/personality/etc etc. It also gives great advice on letting go of the mother you wished you had, embracing the mother you do have, and how to identify the specific mother issues you may have in order to deal with it and move on in a healthier way.
This book I think is most helpful for people who had/have a difficult relationship with their mother and are needing insight in how to address old hurts and move on. If you are a mom and read this book, please be careful. It really made me doubt myself and I kept trying to figure out which mom I am so I can fix my bad behaviors. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it created some insecurities that weren't there before and I don't think that was necessarily a positive thing. This book probably would be better to read within a group context for support and affirmation than to read alone (especially if you are a mom).
This book stereotypes different mothering styles and breaks each of those styles down and gives you insights on how that mothering style can effect your other relationships/jobs/personality/etc etc. It also gives great advice on letting go of the mother you wished you had, embracing the mother you do have, and how to identify the specific mother issues you may have in order to deal with it and move on in a healthier way.
This book I think is most helpful for people who had/have a difficult relationship with their mother and are needing insight in how to address old hurts and move on. If you are a mom and read this book, please be careful. It really made me doubt myself and I kept trying to figure out which mom I am so I can fix my bad behaviors. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it created some insecurities that weren't there before and I don't think that was necessarily a positive thing. This book probably would be better to read within a group context for support and affirmation than to read alone (especially if you are a mom).
January 4, 2018
Disliked. Written by a heap of dudes who aren't mothers. Also, way too heavy and hard to read.
July 5, 2012
This book did me more good than thousands of dollars worth of therapy.
August 17, 2008
I learned many things about myself and my style of parenting. I also saw my mother and the effect of her parenting style on me and therefore the effect my parenting style has had on my four children. I am also hoping this book will be helpful in relating in a better way to my children. As I said with the first book listed I was a broken child raising children. I did not know how to heal the broken places but was too afraid to ask for help from authority figures because of my fear of authority. At the first time in my life I am finally taking risks and opening up to certain people more about the family struggles. No more hiding and pretending it will be ok.
October 23, 2022
I will read anything written by a Cloud and Townsend. This book lists 6 different types of mothers and how to navigate a healthy relationship with them. I found it very informative and useful. I underlined full pages and hope to implement some of these practices in my life.
July 7, 2020
This book had a lot of information but was lacking relevant research based conclusions. All references were either scripture or earlier texts the authors wrote. I don’t like the boxed terms for each of the mom types. Many of them bleed through to others. This book does not deal with abuse but advocates for forgiving mom and reconciling so you can be friends. That is not realistic to me. The authors are also white males and have sprinkles of bias, inappropriate racially charged phrases, patriarchal positions and heterosexual gender role stereotypes throughout. There was a lot of “musts” in this book that felt legalistic and “one way” to parent or handle situations.
May 6, 2010
I learned so much about why I am the way I am from this book. If you are even kind of thinking about reading this book please do; you will not regret it.
August 6, 2018
I picked up this book out of curiosity. This was written by the same authors that wrote "Boundaries", which I got a lot out of.
This is one of those books that I started a year or two ago, and am just now finishing. I'm afraid I have forgotten some of what I read, so forgive me if this review isn't very thorough.
Each chapter of this book discusses a different type of dysfunctional relationship with mom, what kind of issues that dysfunction can cause as an adult, and how to grow past that dysfunction. I got a lot out of this book, especially as a mom myself. It made me think of different ways I've related to my own kids, and how I could do better by them as a mom.
What I did like about this book is that it ultimately puts the responsibility back on the reader to recognize and deal with their own issues and stop blaming mom, while still recognizing mom's influence on who they have become. It was really a pretty fascinating read. What I didn't love was that the authors suggest leaning on a support group of people to help them learn how to relate in a more healthy way. While I think there is some value in that, I am skeptical of depending too much on other people to help us overcome issues. From a Christian perspective, it seems more important to make sure we are focused on the Lord and allowing Him to change us by keeping a proper perspective on our people issues.
The reason I say that is because I am also reading "When People Are Big And God Is Small" right now, which is an interesting book to be reading as I returned to finish "The Mom Factor". "When People Are Big And God Is Small" looks at Boundaries and human "needs" from an entirely different perspective than this book. While I think "The Mom Factor" had a lot of value from a psychological perspective, from a spiritual perspective (which also encompasses psychology), "When People Are Big And God Is Small" was much more helpful. So if you pick up this book, I'd recommend picking up that other one as well to view this topic with a right balance.
This is one of those books that I started a year or two ago, and am just now finishing. I'm afraid I have forgotten some of what I read, so forgive me if this review isn't very thorough.
Each chapter of this book discusses a different type of dysfunctional relationship with mom, what kind of issues that dysfunction can cause as an adult, and how to grow past that dysfunction. I got a lot out of this book, especially as a mom myself. It made me think of different ways I've related to my own kids, and how I could do better by them as a mom.
What I did like about this book is that it ultimately puts the responsibility back on the reader to recognize and deal with their own issues and stop blaming mom, while still recognizing mom's influence on who they have become. It was really a pretty fascinating read. What I didn't love was that the authors suggest leaning on a support group of people to help them learn how to relate in a more healthy way. While I think there is some value in that, I am skeptical of depending too much on other people to help us overcome issues. From a Christian perspective, it seems more important to make sure we are focused on the Lord and allowing Him to change us by keeping a proper perspective on our people issues.
The reason I say that is because I am also reading "When People Are Big And God Is Small" right now, which is an interesting book to be reading as I returned to finish "The Mom Factor". "When People Are Big And God Is Small" looks at Boundaries and human "needs" from an entirely different perspective than this book. While I think "The Mom Factor" had a lot of value from a psychological perspective, from a spiritual perspective (which also encompasses psychology), "When People Are Big And God Is Small" was much more helpful. So if you pick up this book, I'd recommend picking up that other one as well to view this topic with a right balance.
February 8, 2017
This is a hard book to rate. In all honesty, I didn't read the entire thing. The second chapter "Phantom Mom" is a problem I had sort of identified in my own life years ago.
I used to say that my parents practiced "benign neglect." I often said that I had no real role model for a mother because of that and felt that loss many times when raising my own children. I only knew one grandmother as a child and there was very little interaction between us, so I had no role model to follow as a grandmother. My models for these people were all things from TV or movies.
Reading the two chapters that have to do with Phantom Mothers was so difficult. I was often in tears. I had no idea how much it affected my life outside of my own parenting. I realize that childhood friendships all suffered because of the relationship I had with my mother.
But then came the suggestions of how to heal. And that brought more tears because I don't think I can enter into the healing process. I am already too damaged and too old to fix. My relationships as an adult are also severely affected by my childhood relationship.
I read a final chapter toward the end of the book "For Women Only" that discussed the relationship between mother and daughter. It talked about how to work with/forgive/relate to a living mother. Since my mother has been dead for almost 30 years, I didn't find that chapter very helpful. (There was another chapter "For Men Only" because men relate to their mothers differently than women do.)
I guess the best I can do is take some ideas from this book to help me in my daily life. I need to be less independent and willing to express needs.
My final thoughts are that perhaps this is one reason I was so adamant about homeschooling. I never felt a connection to my mother -she didn't interact with me a lot - and longing for that connectedness made me keep my own children close as I tried to create that in my own home. I failed at things like baking cookies with them because I had learned from my mother's actions that it was easier to do it myself. I missed many opportunities to connect to my children because I had no idea how to do it except through books which had been my "happy place" as a child. It was the one place where I knew how to act.....
I used to say that my parents practiced "benign neglect." I often said that I had no real role model for a mother because of that and felt that loss many times when raising my own children. I only knew one grandmother as a child and there was very little interaction between us, so I had no role model to follow as a grandmother. My models for these people were all things from TV or movies.
Reading the two chapters that have to do with Phantom Mothers was so difficult. I was often in tears. I had no idea how much it affected my life outside of my own parenting. I realize that childhood friendships all suffered because of the relationship I had with my mother.
But then came the suggestions of how to heal. And that brought more tears because I don't think I can enter into the healing process. I am already too damaged and too old to fix. My relationships as an adult are also severely affected by my childhood relationship.
I read a final chapter toward the end of the book "For Women Only" that discussed the relationship between mother and daughter. It talked about how to work with/forgive/relate to a living mother. Since my mother has been dead for almost 30 years, I didn't find that chapter very helpful. (There was another chapter "For Men Only" because men relate to their mothers differently than women do.)
I guess the best I can do is take some ideas from this book to help me in my daily life. I need to be less independent and willing to express needs.
My final thoughts are that perhaps this is one reason I was so adamant about homeschooling. I never felt a connection to my mother -she didn't interact with me a lot - and longing for that connectedness made me keep my own children close as I tried to create that in my own home. I failed at things like baking cookies with them because I had learned from my mother's actions that it was easier to do it myself. I missed many opportunities to connect to my children because I had no idea how to do it except through books which had been my "happy place" as a child. It was the one place where I knew how to act.....
November 5, 2012
I really liked boundaries. This one is not nearly as we'll written. He tries to apply anecdotes to situations that aren't so clearly applicable, and he doesn't work to discuss or justify the connection. It felt rushed and slapped together.
However, it is still a useful book for learning how to adjust your perspective on your relationship with your parents. Even though it is a mom book, I think it is just as applicable to some dad issues as well.
Also a lot of the biblical justification was unnecessary or felt irrelevant.
However, it is still a useful book for learning how to adjust your perspective on your relationship with your parents. Even though it is a mom book, I think it is just as applicable to some dad issues as well.
Also a lot of the biblical justification was unnecessary or felt irrelevant.
March 25, 2018
I like this book because it not only discusses the different types of mothering pitfalls you may have experienced and how to deal with them. It also discusses how to be a good mother and avoid passing those pitfalls onto the next generation. Overall a very interesting read.
May 3, 2023
A friend mentioned this book when we were discussing the various mothering styles that we notice. (This book does not include the Munchausen by proxy syndrome mother, which is one of the mothering “styles” we were discussing. Most likely, because that’s a disease and not a mothering style and deserves its own book.) This book was interesting and I did read most of it (I tend to skim self-help style books, as I find them boring; I only skimmed one chapter in this book, as it was a mothering style I hadn’t come across/recognized). I think I would recommend it for new moms. As an empty-nester it was interesting to reflect on my own mothering and I can say I closed the book feeling good about it. A “good enough” mom.
March 12, 2019
This is such a wonderful book. Even though it barely scratches the surface of the issues one has with mothers or fathers....or going deeper friendships and personal relationships - it does so from the position of understanding, working thru, reconciliation and forgiveness. I absolutely love the quotes from Bible sprinkled here and there. This is most certainly a re-read. We live in a zero-sum culture, where its all about competition and rarely about understanding ourselves. This books presents an opportunity for self growth or at least attempts too. This is going to be on my shelves as I will continue exploring other self help psychology books.
Read this book since it's just a start.
Read this book since it's just a start.
August 7, 2022
- [ ] I was a bit scared to read the book because of previous comments on how people reacted to it. But my curiosity made me read it as I decided to challenge my core beliefs. This book is wow for me! It is a lot like a parenting book and provides adequate advice on how to handle ourselves as parents. And this is the kind of advice that is missing in parenting books! However, I don’t recommend it to everybody because if you haven’t digged deep inside before, you may encounter bleeding wounds inside you which would trigger you too much to value the healing advice. But for people who read about trauma and complex ptsd this book would be valuable.
February 25, 2018
This book was given to me by a lady from a bible study that I was involved in. She gave it to me because I had a mom whom everything I did was questioned as in "why didn't you do this? You should have done this!" and with an attitude of "I am too busy and too good for you". I found this book really thought provoking and helped me to realize that it's ok to say your mom wasn't that great for you but you need to find someone to be your mentor to fill that space. Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed this book and it's one of those books I wouldn't mind reading one more time.
April 17, 2019
WOW. Intense read, but such valuable insight.
This book is relatively short, but it took me a LONG time to read it. The authors gave me so much food for thought that I found myself rereading paragraphs and/or pausing after every 2 pages to process it. A hard read, but worth it. Rather than just "blaming mom," Cloud & Townsend help you understand how your mom's mothering style affected you, and how you can heal from it (and move on!). Extremely helpful.
This book is relatively short, but it took me a LONG time to read it. The authors gave me so much food for thought that I found myself rereading paragraphs and/or pausing after every 2 pages to process it. A hard read, but worth it. Rather than just "blaming mom," Cloud & Townsend help you understand how your mom's mothering style affected you, and how you can heal from it (and move on!). Extremely helpful.
January 21, 2020
I am a huge fan of any book by Doctors dr. henry cloud and john townsend and this one did not disappoint! It not only helps you understand how your relationship with your mom affects your life and how to deal with past and current hurts. But it was a huge help in letting me see what my children need from me as their mom!!! Really enjoyed it and recommend it to anyone who has ever had a mom...and definitely to anyone raising children!
April 19, 2019
An unremarkable book, that helpfully outlines (albeit through cheesy stereotypes) the psychological needs children have and unhealthy ways in which moms relate to children. Authors help to see how healthy boundaries and attachment work, and encouraging "mothering" friends. Helpful book for adult children with mom issues.
May 24, 2020
excellent concept of forgiveness that i have never thought of.
goes through different types of mothering lacks and explicitly lists and describes what sorts of problems that will cause. and suggests that we find re-mothering from people who exhibit specific qualities that will nurture us in the ways we lacked.
goes through different types of mothering lacks and explicitly lists and describes what sorts of problems that will cause. and suggests that we find re-mothering from people who exhibit specific qualities that will nurture us in the ways we lacked.
May 14, 2023
This book assumes:
- no such thing as the good kid and bad mom: children have inappropriate responses as well
- there are preordained tasks of and responses to mothering
- the child needs love and limits
- a Christian point of view
Not a lot of reference to science, and regular religious references are a cultural mis-match to my world view so I couldn’t connect to this material.
- no such thing as the good kid and bad mom: children have inappropriate responses as well
- there are preordained tasks of and responses to mothering
- the child needs love and limits
- a Christian point of view
Not a lot of reference to science, and regular religious references are a cultural mis-match to my world view so I couldn’t connect to this material.
December 8, 2018
Helpful and Freeing
What a great book for anyone who wants to mend those broken relationship patterns with Mom. However, leave your pride at the door and prepare for the healing truths within this book.
What a great book for anyone who wants to mend those broken relationship patterns with Mom. However, leave your pride at the door and prepare for the healing truths within this book.
February 6, 2019
Has some good points but is definitely aimed at religious people. I’d prefer more psychology and less religion. Still I can recommend it for those who have this very specific problem the book is about.
March 12, 2025
for a book about moms written by men, not too bad! i really resonated with the controlling and american express wounds in different ways and look forward to applying that to my future motherhood journey as well as healing inwardly
August 17, 2017
Good insights on how mothers impact their children for life, how to overcome harm done by a mother, as well as how to reconcile a relationship with a mother.
March 3, 2018
Awesome insightful
Very good book that will help you grow as a healthy adult and improve all your relationships -spouse, kids,parents,friends inlaws
Very good book that will help you grow as a healthy adult and improve all your relationships -spouse, kids,parents,friends inlaws
August 12, 2018
A true healing starts with true, real, and deep relationships.
بس كتاب لعين بردك :'D
بس كتاب لعين بردك :'D
February 1, 2020
Very helpful to me as I sent my oldest off to college.
April 5, 2020
If you struggle with your relationship with your mom, you need to read this book.
January 3, 2021
Pretty informative. I definitely believe I learned a lot from it. I found it pretty helpful.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews