Yeah, but I Didn't

by Ann Swann

Benji Stevens is 14 years old when her world falls apart. Betrayed, bullied, and battered emotionally, physically, and spiritually, her life spirals out of control. She is certain there is nowhere to turn and nothing to live for. Yet in the midst of the darkness there appears an array of hope in the form of her crazy uncle, her single mom, and a host of other characters she never dreamed would be there to help. When she is forced to join the Yeah, but I Didn't therapy group, Benji is finally able to confront her inner demons and embrace her own self-worth.

Genres: Coming Of Age

244 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 13, 2019

About the author

New Release Jan. 20, 2025

REMAINDERS: Apocalypse in Eden book 3

Most of the crew survived the apocalypse, but what now? All they have left is faith, hope, and each other. Will that be enough?



A TRACE OF ROMANCE
A Two-Hour Novella

Laynie & Trace were best friends until tragedy struck, then they were split apart. His family moved away. Somehow, he forgot her, but now, after six years, he was back, leaning into her flower shop doorway, taking up all the space just the way he'd always done. Why was he here, in her new life, after all this time?

https://www.5Princebooks.com/annswann...


SEEKERS: Apocalypse in Eden trilogy - Book 2

Jack and most of his crew survived the battle with the Takers in Book One. Now, they are headed back to Eden, seeking the whereabouts of Jack’s father. Along the way they will encounter other survivors, some friendly, some decidedly unfriendly. And they will find more Takers. Lots more Takers. But nothing can prepare them for what they will discover when they follow instructions to go on to Cheyenne Mountain. This time, it will be a miracle if anyone survives.

https://www.authorAnnSwann.com

This just in ...
TAKERS: Apocalypse in Eden now on Audio!
Message me here or on FB for a FREE audible copy! Whoohoo! "Jack survived the rip in the universe, he even survived the Taker-monsters, but can he survive the other survivors?"

And ...

My new HEA novel A CROSSBOW CHRISTMAS tells the story of a woman who has survived Covid and the loss of family members and now just wants a big, old fashioned Christmas. Unfortunately, the only one who shares her attitude is her young friend, Max. Check it out and let me now what you think. You can find a snippet and all the buy links at www.5Princebooks.com/annswann.html

I also have a novella in the anthology, A CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER. It's only 99¢ for seven novellas from 5Prince authors. My story is COPPER PENNY CHRISTMAS and I don't mind saying, I kinda like it. I don't write much regular romance, so I'm a little proud of this one. ❤️

Happy Reading -
And if you want to stay up to date on books in the works, sign up for my newsletter at www.authorAnnSwann.com

Did I mention there are a couple of FREE short stories on my blog/website? Yep. Enjoy!


Read on to learn more about TAKERS:

TAKERS: Apocalypse in Eden Book 1

TAKERS was just re-released in hardcover. It's the story of a boy, Jack, and a deaf pit-bull named Snake who have to battle the cannibalistic Takers after the monsters are spat out into the town of Eden, Texas from a parallel universe called Purgatory.

https://www.authorAnnSwann.com

TELEPHONE ROAD

Stalked, assaulted, and left to die, Marlena thinks her life is over. Then she meets Destiny and justice takes on a new meaning. It's called revenge.

https://www.authorannswann.com

A former emergency services dispatcher, rock-n-roll radio station secretary, hospital information operator, and grade school teacher, Ann Swann has been many things. Through it all were the words. She's been a writer since her teenage years and began winning fiction awards in college. As a child she grew up much like Stevie-girl in small town Texas. One difference? Ann never got up the nerve to enter the haunted house alone. She waited until she married her husband, Dude, then they went in together. Ann would love to hear your thoughts on her stories. Feel free to message her at any of

Reviews

[Tangled in Text · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this story growing up. This story did not sugar coat the struggles of growing up in your teenage years from the bullies and pressures to the internal turmoil and changing relationships. As much as I'd love to recommend this to middle grade students, to help them realize they are not alone and their thought spirals are normal, it is brutal. This story should have a long list of trigger warnings such as: suicide, attempted suicide, death of a parent, overdose, cutting, depression, teenage pregnancy, bullies, sexual assault, and PTSD.

As brutal as this story is there are so many learning moments in this book. I loved that Ben was not an only child. It seemed both Ben and her sister had very similar thought patterns only seeing a singular perspective and how situations changed their own personal lives. It was almost humorous to put that mindset in perspective and realize that even with how similar they were, they both claimed the other one was the only blindly, self-absorbed party. You were able to see both the internal dialogue and how it might look to someone on the outside with having two siblings in similar situations.

My favorite parts were in some of the smallest moments. The first was the teacher during her first day back at school after Paul. I had a teacher like that who said those few small words to me as well, asking if I'd like to go to the nurse, and she might have saved my life that day.This was a huge flashback and a great reminder that even the littlest of reactions can make the biggest impact.

The police in this story gave me the same tearful reaction and even the mother. The unprecedented, nonjudgmental empathy is something I hope everyone can take away from this story. Ben and her mother have a conversation where Ben simply states that "she didn't berate me or tell me I shouldn't have" and her relief is palpable. The other priceless moment that hit me hard was when the cop says, "I've been there. My own dad died when I was just a kid. It hurts like hell." and Ben's reaction says it all that she "grabbed her fingers like lifelines."

Be present. Be attentive. Because pain doesn't have to make sense.

A few quotes I adored were:

"We are always harder on ourselves than anyone else."

"You can't control everything around you--or even how others treat you--but you can control ho you react. And that's how you take back you power."

"Later on I planned to put a new note in the Answered Prayers Jar. A thank you note to God for making me as tough as denim. A note acknowledging all the runs on the ladder, those going up, as well as the ones going down. After all, without one, there wouldn't be the other."

[Ruthie Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

"...but sometimes grief gets its claws in you and just won't let go."

Being a teenager is difficult enough without the added stress of bullying/cyber-bullying, sexual abuse, and sibling rivalry in a single-parent household. For fourteen-year-old Benji in Yeah, But I Didn't, life is about to become off-the-charts difficult.

Yeah, But I Didn't by Ann Swann starts off with a young girl struggling to handle the loss of a boyfriend to her best friend and then the sudden sexual attack from a classmate she barely knows. A small bruise on Benji's forehead is more than simply a concussive bump from an assault that could have been so much worse. As the bruise fades, her memory of how it got there lingers, representing the constant reminder that the control we think we have over our lives is a fleeting and fickle beast.

"You can't control everything around you—or even how others treat you—but you can control how you react. And that's how you take back your power."

With feelings of guilt from the attack and still stinging from the betrayal of love and friendship, Benji turns to her art. In an almost mystical moment of artistic abandon, Benji produces a watercolor during art class that depicts the pulsating emotions of her young heart at its most vulnerable—squeezed between the hands of her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend. That painting, in all its honest, painful beauty, represents a central theme throughout the story. The heart is so fragile and vulnerable to onslaughts and pain yet oh so resilient and capable of enormous love and forgiveness. As if the teen angst of broken relationships isn't enough, other events occur that knock Benji to her knees and toward an impulsive decision that changes everything.

While it may seem the author has loaded way too many burden's onto Benji's young shoulders all at once, that is often an unfortunate reality. Life piles it on thick sometimes.

The main characters are well developed and interesting, and the reader watches everything unfold through Benji's eyes, but her older sister, Janie, deserves some special attention. She is rude, resentful, and downright cruel to her little sister, crushing her under accusations and hate. But by the end of the story, we finally know and understand Janie a bit better and realize that she is just as lost and broken as Benji.

The story is fast paced and engaging, with only a few odd quirks to ponder. Benji's character development often comes across as a little too immature for a fourteen-year-old (I kept thinking she was about ten or maybe twelve), especially when she passively accepts her mom deleting her social media accounts and commandeering her phone, all without too much fuss. Perhaps Benji is too overburdened by the cyber-bullying and fallout and rumors from her shocking artwork and other heartbreaking events to put up a fight, but I'm guessing most teens might pitch an epic fit if anyone tries to pry the phone from their hands, no matter what is going on in their lives (and many adults, too). Even so, the overall plot of Yeah, But I Didn't is imaginative and full of plenty of emotional highs and lows; laughter and tears.

Ann Swann delivers a raw and difficult glimpse into a reality that can be uncomfortable for readers of any age, but bullying, sexual abuse, and suicide and attempted suicide exist in real life, unfortunately. Through this touching work of fiction, all of those truths are laid bare but not without the much needed elements of hope, redemption, healing, and love. Benji finds her healing through her therapist, her mom's and uncle's steady presence and guidance, two police officers' encouragement and friendship, and a boy named Sam.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

(This review will be on my blog All the Ups and Downs soon.)
--
I love books that deal with some sort of downward spiral. I don't mean that in a morbid sense. I just mean that I usually find them interesting. When I was presented with the opportunity of reading Yeah, but I Didn't by Ann Swann, I jumped at the chance.

Benji Stevens is a bright 14 year old high school girl. In fact, she's so smart, she's even skipped a grade in school. When something horrible happens to her one day at her house, her life begins to spiral out of control. With bad things happening right after one another, will Benji find the light at the end of the tunnel or will it be too late?

The premise for Yeah, but I Didn't is really interesting. There were some great aspects of this book. In fact, after reading this book, my new life motto is now, "You can’t control how other people treat you. But you CAN control how you react. And that’s how you take back your power." I love that quote, and it's said a few times throughout Yeah, but I Didn't. I liked the theme of hope and forgiveness towards the end of the book as well. Ann Swann did a fantastic job with her descriptive language at making it easy to picture each scene in the book. I found myself being transported to the setting of Yeah, But I Didn't whenever I started reading.

The characters in Yeah, but I Didn't felt fairly realistic throughout the novel, though Benji's character seemed more like she was 12 with how she would speak and act sometimes. I liked Benji though, and I admired her determination to get through this horrible part of her life. I enjoyed reading about Benji's mom and how (in the last quarter of the book) she turns to God to help her with everything. (Though this was a sudden shift and was a little jarring. The story went from no real mention of God to suddenly focusing on how God can help you.) Janie was a well-written character, but I just wanted to shake that girl sometimes for being so spiteful and horrible to her mom and Benji especially! My favorite characters were Uncle Aidan and Dr Blue. They always came across as being optimistic and wanting to help Benji be the best version of herself. I will also say that each character is described very well, so it's easy to picture each one as a real life person instead of just some character in a book.

As much as I enjoyed the book, there were things that didn't work for me. I found the pacing to be a bit too slow for my liking, and I felt like there was too much narrative description through much of the book; I didn't need to know exact details of every little thing. I could have done without the mention of politics in this book; it didn't seem necessary. And a pet peeve: it's mentioned that Benji and her uncle they order chicken nuggets from Sonic. Sonic does not do chicken nuggets; they do chicken strips, popcorn chicken, and boneless wings -- but never chicken nuggets!

I also felt like, although this book is considered a young adult book and deals with some heavy subject matters, it felt like it was written for a middle grade audience.

Trigger warnings for Yeah, but I Didn't include alcoholism, suicide, attempted suicide, teenage pregnancy, some violence, and attempted rape.

While I found Yeah, but I Didn't to be a bit of a slow read mostly, I do think younger teens that who are going through a dark patch in their life would enjoy this. I would recommend Yeah, but I Didn't by Ann Swann to those 14+ who need a bit of hope in their life.
--
(A special thank you to Lone Star Literary Life for providing me with an eBook of Yeah, but I Didn't by Ann Swann in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.)

[Lisette Brodey · Rating 5 out of 5]

A profound and beautiful coming-of-age story

It wasn’t difficult for me to get swept up in Benji Steven’s story. Told in the first person, I felt as if I were sitting down with the character as she poured her heart out to me.

Fourteen-year-old Benji’s story mirrors so many things in all of our lives. Something happens that shouldn’t have happened, and then, like a car that has lost control on an icy road, things go in unimaginable directions. And everything keeps getting worse … and worse … and then, when we try to fix the pain … it becomes even more overpowering.

What I really liked about Benji’s story is that despite being in another generation entirely, I could see how those in her midst (those she loved, had loved, and never loved) influenced her perceptions, heartbreaks, thoughts, and actions. I could understand why life was so fragile for her, and how regaining her footing seemed like such a delicate operation.

Benji’s story evolves naturally and beautifully. Ann Swann has created a wonderful character that will have readers cheering her on. A lovely read indeed.

[Please Pass the Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yeah, But I Didn't by Ann Swann is a coming of age fictional novel chronicling a disturbing period in the life of a young girl named Benji (Ben) Stevens. At age 14, Ben has been advanced into high school as the result of a high IQ that pushes her beyond the level of classmates her age. While intellectually she is ahead of even her high school classmates, her young age and vulnerability make her an easy target. Once little more than a wallflower, an assault in her own home after artwork she created at school goes viral and the rumor mill begins to spin out of control. Cyberbullying by classmates and a brutal response from her own older sister Janie at home (compounded by another family tragedy) push Ben over the edge, prompting her to attempt the unthinkable. The road to recovery is difficult to navigate, but Ben and her family do their best to rally in order to bring stability back into their lives. As they nurse a fragile Ben, each grapple with their own personal traumas and work to make themselves whole once more.

Yeah, But I Didn't is a difficult read due to its subject matter, but timely and relevant against the backdrop of what many teenagers and families experience in their real lives. Ann Swann writes Ben's story in a first person narrative, allowing a reader to understand her struggles from within and experience the subplots, including an unexpected death and a runaway, as a stunned observer. There are multiple issues that are addressed in a short span of time and that keeps the book rolling forward at a sometimes dizzying pace, but it allows a reader to see how a devastating chain of events can snowball and threaten to crush an entire household.

One thing that struck me was Ben's age and her positioning as a high school student at a time when she'd normally be with students her own age and in an environment more suited for a younger teen. It's not an issue I've read much about and there's sort of this feeling that Ben's intellect—her superpower, as she describes it—actually puts her at a disadvantage, throwing a kitten to a pack of wolves because there is literally nowhere else for her education to flourish. This doesn't factor into the central plot but as a parent I felt it intensely.

This is a tough read but a good one, and an easy book to throw five-stars at.

Review written for Readers' Favorite.

[Lorilei Gonzales · Rating 4 out of 5]

One out of 2 marriages end in divorce. You probably already knew that statistic. Did you know that 1 out of every 3 girls is sexually abused in her life? One out of every 5 boys? If you don’t want to hear any more about this, then this book is not for you. Yeah, But I Didn’t by Ann Swann is a book that stares the ugliest side of growing up right in the face. If you were lucky enough to grow up without being bullied by your peers, physically abused by someone bigger or older than you, or had to deal with survivor’s guilt, then maybe you think the sequence of events in this story are farfetched or melodramatic. As someone who has had firsthand experience of more than half of it, I can tell you that you are wrong.

Once I got over the fact that Benji was a young girl and not a cute dog from the ‘80s, I was able to appreciate Swann’s ability to write from the perspective of a hurting and humiliated 14-year-old. Already feeling rejected by her father’s desertion years ago, you can really feel the pain of having to live in a household that is completely opposite of Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women. Maybe that’s the reality of present times when you cast aside Pollyanna’s glasses. Single mothers often don’t have time to be there for their children. And children don’t know how to sort through their feelings because of lack of parental guidance and too much reliance on communicating through technology. I had a hard enough time alternating between defending myself from or ignoring rumors in high school. I can only imagine what it would have been like if social media existed at the time.

The draw and danger of social media is portrayed so well in this book. I could tell that Swann is very familiar with how young people use the various platforms and doesn’t just use the references as a means to validate this story as one for young adults. It’s hard to explain, but you can tell when a writer talks about a subject they know very little about.

The only part I found problematic was one of the therapy sessions. The therapist hugs Benji and says something like, “You poor thing. Thank God…” Hospital therapists normally do not hug their patients or mention anything religious. Normally, they would ask for permission to touch the patient. I would think that is particularly important when someone has suffered assault.

I thought that the chapter titles were an interesting choice and it all becomes clear when you reach the end. The allegory of the ladder can be interpreted in several different ways, both positive and negative. It can be used as a tool to get somewhere or to accomplish something good or necessary, or it can be the tool to one’s self-destruction. Ultimately, Benji’s climb up the ladder wasn’t so straightforward and I liked where Swann had her end up. Let’s just say that it takes real balance to accomplish that feat.

I received an advanced copy of this book, so I hope that the various typos were corrected before the final press. There was also an error about Benji being the first grandchild when her sister Janie is four years older than her. I really liked how the epilogue really buttoned things up and gives the reader closure. I would have liked to see resources listed at the end for teens who need someone to talk to, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. I think that this would be a great book to initiate difficult conversations with teens.

[Jenn Z at That's What She's Reading · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a profound, yet brutally relevant coming-of-age story that chronicles deeply disturbing moments in Benji's life. Told in first person, the reader will walk right alongside Benji, witnessing every moment and feeling every troubling emotion. It's incredibly difficult not to be gripped from the very beginning, yet so many tragic circumstances surround this family that I often found myself taking breaks just to process the intensity of it all. Gritty subject matter abounds in this story: sexual assault, suicide, teen pregnancy, bullying, and divorce. These topics do not lend themselves to easy reads obviously; however, reading Benji's story is certainly worth every uncomfortable moment, and the author handles each with incredible grace, thoughtfulness, and with an authentic voice that will resonate with the young readers it needs to reach.

"You can't control everything around you - or even how others treat you - but you can control how you react. And that's how you take back your power."

Though Benji finds herself facing one devastating circumstance after another, readers will begin to see a mirror that reflects back their own harrowing experiences and individual responses to each event. They may not be similar, but unfortunately, no one is immune to bad things happening to them, and many often find themselves on the receiving end of one awful moment after another. Benji learns far too early about this gruesome reality, but the decisions she makes afterwards provide readers with the opportunity to safely discuss their own reactions. These issues are not pleasant to talk about, but not talking about them is not going to make them go away. Communication is important, and while it may not have changed events from occurring, it certainly gives us someone to reach for when it feels like there is nothing or no one left. The story is extremely thought-provoking and calls on readers to examine their own ideas on empathy, compassion, and connection.

"Be kind to everyone you meet, you don't know what they're facing at home."

This story certainly paints a realistic portrait of the after effects of a trauma in regards to relationships with family and friends as well as to the body itself. Healing is often just as hard as feeling overpowered and overwhelmed. Benji's vulnerability sheds light on this painful process towards reconciliation with not only herself, but those around her as well.

Overall, this powerful story is tragic and tender. Along with Benji, I never stopped feeling something - sadness, frustration, anger, concern, shock, pain, surprise, and eventually, hope, and I doubt you will either.

[Maryann · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book opens on an alarming note when Ben, Benji, is attacked in her home by a classmate and is almost raped. It's a horrifying scene depicting something that I'm sure is a fear of many young teens who are home alone.

The circumstances of Benji's life were complicated the first time when her father left the family for a younger woman whom Benji refers to as The Slut. Benji and her older sister have a difficult time trying to assimilate into the life of that new family, so after a year or so, they stop going to visit their father.

Benji's relationship with her sister, instead of being supportive, is combative and ugly, ultimately pushing Benji to that horrible moment when she tries to kill herself. Luckily, she is not successful.

The loss of a father figure in a young girl's life is very traumatic, and while Benji deals openly with a lot of her anger she doesn't often bring forward a lot of the other emotions associated with this type of abandonment especially the deep sense of loss.

Her life is even more complicated when her boyfriend and her long-time girlfriend decide to hook up and it breaks her heart. She expresses that anguish in a painting that becomes a catalyst for much of the rest of the story.

I enjoyed the read on many levels: the characters, the dynamics of relationships, and the way Benji came full circle in an understanding and acceptance of herself and her life. I also thoroughly enjoyed the revelation of the one supporter Benji had at school. That kept me guessing along with her, and I was very intrigued about whether she would be able to trust him after what had happened in the opening of the story.

While there was much to keep me reading, I found the last quarter of the book a bit slow in places and a little unrealistic in terms of the way the characters were suddenly all resolving issues that had been standing between them for a long time. With the exception of the problem between Benji and her older sister Janie, but even when that resolution came, it seemed a little unrealistic in terms of human behavior.

Still this is a good young adult novel that showcases numerous issues that young people face and certainly offers encouragement and inspiration for ways to deal with the difficulties in a positive way. It is not an easy read because of the traumas revealed, but it is an important read.

I recommend Yeah, But I Didn't to readers of all ages.

[Sandy Wolters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Devastatingly powerful read. Ms. Swann is one of my favorite authors. I don't normally read YA, but this book takes the reader through every emotion and back again. If you're looking for something with betrayal, sibling rivalry, tragic choices made by family members, all leading to personal growth and strength of spirit, look no further. This book has it all.

[Marianne McGinnis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well-written, coming of age story that all girls, and guys, should read in middle school. Ann Swan has written about a topic that is often very volatile in high school, in small groups, and between parent and child.

[Lone Star Literary Life · Rating 4 out of 5]

Featured on Lone Star Book Blog Tours. Lone Star Blogger Team average rating: 4.428 stars.